Disclaimer: This story is one hundred percent fictional. It was written purely for the enjoyment of others. It is not meant to imply anything about anyone's sexuality or their life in general. Only people who are eighteen years of age or older should read it. Enjoy!
Zac Efron, Taylor Lautner, and Justin Bieber were wearing nothing but their underpants. Their knees were pressed against a cold, hard stage floor. And their asses were up in the air for a studio audience of three hundred and fifty people to see. What exactly were these three young, hot, talented, successful, and rich studs doing exposing themselves in such an uncomfortable position? Well, all three of them were contestants on Celebrity Fart-Off, the most popular game show in America. Yes, you read correctly. These three sexy megastars were participating in a gameshow about flatulence. Celebrity Fart-Off was a program in which, as the title suggests, a tooting contest takes place. The premise of the show was simple. The three men did their best to produce the most impressive fart possible. Their flatulence would be judged by the show's host on its smell, volume, and duration. A contestant could receive a score of up to ten points in each of these three categories. The highest score possible was thirty points. The contestant with the highest score won the title of Celebrity Fart King. If it sounds odd to you that this was the most popular game show in America, it shouldn't. Every man in the country loved it.
Gay men obviously loved it because it gave them the chance to see the best asses in the entertainment industry up close. And straight men loved it because of the raunchy humor it supplied. The host and judge of the show was named Gaylon Prisston. His birth name was Tom Smith, but his stage name was a much more appropriate name for him because he was the most effeminate faggot on Earth. He had spiky platinum blonde hair, spray tanned skin covered in copious amounts of makeup that made his skin look almost orange, icy-blue contacts lenses, and his signature look consisted of a glittery, form-fitting tube top and a pair of white short-shorts. It was his job to introduce the contestants and score their farts. This required him to tell the audience a little about each contender before chatting with them to make sure they were relaxed and ready to go. He then got on his knees, pressed his nose against their cracks, and inhaled their farts. He also had to hold a microphone up to each muscular booty so that the audience could hear how long and loud each toot was. It was solely up to him to determine how bad the smell was because he was the only one close enough to the action. But he often crowd surfed for scores on loudness and length.
Straight men getting a kick out of a gameshow because a sissy boy gets ass blasted by their fellow masculine, heterosexual brethren may sound a bit homophobic, but it was all in good fun. The United States has become a much more gay-friendly country over the past decade, but no matter how much society progresses, I think we can all agree that every red-blooded, American straight dude will always get a kick out of seeing a feminine gay guy get farted on. Besides, Gaylon absolutely loved his job. Hot, muscular asses turned him on more than anything, so he was able to tolerate the nasty gas bombs dropped on him by some of the sexiest men alive. And this show really brought gay and straight men together. It made gay men horny and straight men laugh until their stomachs hurt. No other show was able to bridge this specific demographic gap so effectively.
But why would such powerful, award-winning entertainers stoop to participating in a low-budget gameshow centered on juvenile, gross-out humor. The pay certainly wasn't worth it. Gameshow participants don't make nearly as much movie stars and pop sensations. But there were two very good reasons for the three strapping young bucks to do this show. First and foremost, it didn't matter how silly they may have thought the show's premise was. It was not only the number one game show in the country, it was also one of the most-watched programs on cable overall. About nine-to-ten million people watched it every night, and it regularly beat out popular network sitcoms and reality shows. And as every agent in Hollywood will tell you, all publicity is good publicity. Secondly, all three of these men were at a similar stage in their career. They were former child stars trying to grow up. They wanted more than just hordes of young female fans. They wanted respect from other men. All young men want to be perceived as one of the guys. They were tired of being perceived as teenaged boys. They wanted to be perceived as manly men. Doing this show was simply the easiest way to score some quick man points and destroy their teenybopper image for good.
Those man points were what the three young dudes were focusing on intently in order to get over their initial embarrassment and unease at being practically naked on stage as Gaylon walked onto the stage and introduced the three contestants in his usual frilly ensemble.
Gaylon: Well, well, well... Looks like our three sexy celeb contestants are here! They are in their undies, on their knees, and bent over! Who's ready to see this queer get gassed?
The entire audience was roaring. Gays and straights alike clapped, cheered, and jumped up and down in excitement.
Gaylon: Fist up, we have Justin Bieber, a cute little pop sensation with a major bad boy streak. Tell us Justin, what did you do to prepare for today's competition?
Justin: Well, instead of having my usual two breakfast burritos, I bumped it up to three. And I smeared some refried bean dip on the top. I also had an apple and a protein shake. That's a combination that usually messes me up intestinally for pretty much the whole day. So, yeah, I figured I'd be gassin' you out the minute that gay nose of yours touches my crack.
The audience members clapped and nodded intently after hearing this strategy. They were impressed such a little guy could down so much for breakfast. They also admired his rather methodical nature. But Justin was a bit nervous. He wasn't quite as cocky as he normally appeared in his music videos and confrontations with the paparazzi. That's understandable. It's not every day that he gets on his knees, pulls down his pants, spreads his cheeks, and lets a gay man enjoy the view. Would he be able to really nail this performance, or would his stage fright prevent him from bringing the goods?
Gaylon: Ok, little man! Give me all you got!
Justin paused for a couple seconds causing some suspense to fall over the audience. His twinky little butt looked perky and ready as ever to gas a fag. He was wearing long, saggy, black boxers covered in little green marijuana symbols. He tries so hard to be a thug, but underneath his hood exterior is a little, white, baby boy looking for acceptance from the big guys. After taking a deep breath and letting out one little grunt, the Biebs unleashed a dry, low-sounding, raspy fart that stunned Gaylon with its volume. And the readers at home should keep in mind that Gaylon's face had taken more farts than a toilet at an all-you-can-eat cabbage buffet. It takes a very loud fart to stun this queer. It lasted for quite a while as well. There were several stops and starts that punctuated this gassy little number that Biebs' butt was performing. Gaylon wondered if it would ever end.
The audience cheered for the little guy. Before today, they saw Justin as a spoiled, immature, little brat. Now they saw him as a spoiled, immature, little brat who farted like a man.
Gaylon: Well, eating beans for a farting contest is sooo clichéd. It did smell pretty bad, but I'm going to have to give him a five in the smell category due to lack of originality. Nothing special here. As far as length, I'm going with a nine. I was very impressed. I haven't smelled a fart that long in quite a while. I'll let the audience decide on volume.
The audience unanimously yelled out the number ten. Gaylon couldn't agree more. Justin was awarded twenty four fart points. After a commercial break, Gaylon then moved over to Taylor Lautner's big, muscled booty. Famous for playing a werewolf, Lautner and his big tanned ass made the audience excited to hear some real roaring.
Gaylon: Next up, we have Taylor Lautner. Tell us Taylor, what did your breakfast consist of today?
Taylor: Well, since you asked you stupid faggot...errr...I mean Gaylon...
The straight audience members laughed at Taylor's joke. It reminded them of the many times they instinctively called little sissy boys in the locker room faggot before correcting themselves after remembering their actual names. The gay audience members were not offended because they were in awe of his sheer confidence, aggressively masculine tone, and not to mention that muscled ass concealed under some tighty-whities.
Taylor: As I was saying, I had some prune juice mixed in with some Benefiber. I also had six slices of toast with peanut butter. Starches usually give me some gnarly farts. And I think that with some juice to get things flowing, you'll be puking your queer little guts out at the smell of it.
Gaylon: Well, big boy, let's see if that combination of prune juice and toast is as good as you say it is.
Taylor grunted loudly and let out a very wet and quiet fart. It was truly an example of a silent but deadly attack on the nostrils. Gaylon was very impressed by the smell indeed. But then something horrible happened. A crackling noise started to become audible to the audience. Once they realized what was happening, they gasped. Gaylon's eyes were closed, and he was so caught up in the moment he didn't realize what was going on until Taylor began to yell.
Taylor: Oh no, I think I'm pooping!
Gaylon fell backwards in shock and disgust as Taylor ran off stage. The entire audience laughed at Gaylon harder than any other crowd ever had before. He took a few minutes to compose himself, get over the shock of being shit on, and waited for the laughter to subside. Never had a contestant accidentally crapped their pants before. This would surely go down as the nastiest episode ever as well as the most memorable. Taylor received a score of zero. This show wasn't a shitting contest. There was no such thing on television! At least not yet...
Gaylon: Well, now that that's over, I would like to introduce our final contestant! He's an acting, dancing, and singing triple threat. He's got style, charm, and smarts. Heeerrre's Zac Efron!
All of the gay men swooned after the dreamy hunk in red boxer briefs was introduced. They all had a soft spot for him ever since he sang and danced his way into their queer little hearts nine years ago in High School Musical. So many little fags get beaten up by the athletes they lust after. But Zac's character Troy was all-jock and all-heart. Unrealistic? Sure. But hey, it was a Disney Channel Movie. What do you expect?
Zac: Hey there, cutie! You ready to smell some one hundred percent grade a man ass fumes?
Gaylon was totally taken in by Zac's flirtatious ways and blushed a deep shade of red. He was in no way gay and plowed as many chicks as he possibly could, but he knew when and how to turn on the charm to get what he wanted.
Gaylon: So Prince Charming, what did your first meal of the day consist of?
Zac: Well cutie-pie, I didn't rely on any gimmicks or tricks to enhance my farts. No beans. No cabbage. I stuck to a manly, All-American breakfast. I had three omelets, two pieces of toast, five sausage links, three pancakes with syrup, a glass of milk, and a cup of orange juice.
The audience and Gaylon were in shock. How could a man eat so much and stay so toned? He must really take his exercising seriously to burn off so many carbs. Then again, anyone who has seen his abs in the movie Neighbors should be able to tell that this is indeed true. The audience also worried if eating so much might cause Zac to do a doodie like Taylor did.
Without warning, Zac unleashed what can only be described as an anal tornado of manliness that would knock any sissy fag right off his perfectly pedicured feet and simultaneously command the respect of every straight man alive. It was so loud that the audience had to cover their ears to protect their hearing from the booming of the speakers. The smell literally made Gaylon gag. He had coughed plenty of times after sniffing a straight lad's gas. Never before, however, did he have to actually hold his mouth shut to prevent chunks of vomit from escaping his mouth and ruining his favorite pink and sparkly tube top. After all, this one had the title of "Daddy's Little Princess" embroidered on the front of it. And it seemed to last forever. The audience was floored by this. They thought they'd seen everything tonight. Bieber farted like a man, and Mr. Lautner shat himself. But those two events paled in comparison to Zac's nuclear ass gas attack.
Gaylon simply couldn't handle it any longer. He was required to be on his knees like a good little queer and keep his nose on the contestant's rosebud until the fart had subsided. He took his job too seriously and would never abandon his duties. But his body eventually gave out from its senses being overwhelmed, and he fainted. After Gaylon fell to the floor, the fart finally subsided. It must have lasted for about five minutes. The audience seriously wondered if Gaylon might be dead. But he was fine. He woke up a few hours later in a hospital bed.
Zac: Well, gee, looks like Princess couldn't handle the Ef-farts! Guess that means I won, huh?
Zac's father had taught him and his brother that the men in their family didn't just fart. They Ef-farted. It was something to be proud of because for generations, the Efron men had been known for having the manliest farts around. Zac knew his Dad was proudly watching at home.
The audience roared with cheers and chanted Zac's name at the top of their lungs as he smacked his booty and shook it around to celebrate. It wasn't just his charisma and his flirting that impressed Gaylon, he truly earned the reaction he got. And he was somehow actually able to control his bowels despite the fact that he ate twice the amount that Taylor did. And he did it without beans! Almost every contestant pumps up their stomach with beans to enhance the volume and length of their farts. But Zac's manly ass gives the goods no matter what he eats.
The show's producers walked out on stage, informed him he won all thirty of the possible fart points, congratulated Zac, and crowned him Celebrity Fart King. The actual crown itself looked like a plastic toy that could be purchased at Wal-Mart for less than ten bucks. It barely even fit his head. But it wasn't the value of the prize that mattered. What mattered was that Zac was the manliest farter in Hollywood. He would now command the respect usually reserved for cinematic legends, and his career continued to reach new heights ever since. As Zac waved to the crowd, the straight men had to hold the gay men back in order to prevent them from mowing down the gassy Adonis-like figure on stage. Each of the heteros shed a tear of pride as they watched the one-time teenybopper become more of a man than they ever would. This was truly the best Celebrity Fart-Off ever.
So, what did you guys think? Please do not hesitate to email me. My address is zacsfag@aol.com. I welcome all comments, praise, and criticism. I'd also love to hear suggestions for a sequel. If I get enough good feedback and some creative suggestions, I will begin working on a second installment. Thank you so much for reading!