This is a work of fiction. The author retains all rights. Reproductions are not allowed without the authors consent. There are no explicit sexual acts contained in this work, it is a story of love and the strong bonds shared between two guys.
PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING: This is the last chapter of Centre of March and in previous chapters I supplied my email in the text as 'exuinoxneo@hotmail.com' when it is actually equinoxneo@hotmail.com (that is, it has a 'q' after the first letter and not a 'x') which was correctly published in the details provided by Nifty. I apologise to anyone who sent mail to the incorrect address and received a mail error and I also thank those of you who sent it to the right address. I don't know how that mistake escaped me but again I am sorry. I hope you enjoy the closing chapter to this story. Thanks.
You can also leave a comment on my blog (where I will update and post each chapter before I submit it on nifty, you'll also find other stories I've written posted there) so drop by at;
http://gayshortstories.blogspot.com/
TEN
No. I refused to believe this was happening. This was not right. It was all wrong. Somehow I knew this was not in the script. There was still so much I wanted to tell him, so many things I wanted to say but was too afraid.
A strange sense of responsibility flooded my being. Something was missing.
Like the feeling you get when you walk out of your house knowing there was something else you needed to do before leaving, but you just couldn't put your finger on it.
Suddenly, the room flared into blinding whiteness and time stood still. When my sight returned I was standing on a beachfront, waves rolled smoothly along the shore, the waters seeming to extend far beyond the horizon. I had no idea how I came to be here when just a moment ago I was in the hospital. This place felt familiar, but I couldn't understand why; the beach looked like no other I had ever been to in my entire life. Maybe this was a dream.
If it was a dream then it must be a very realistic one because I could feel the wind blowing against my skin, I could taste the salty air and feel the warm sand beneath my bare feet.
After a short time I felt the presence of another come to stand beside me. I didn't look to see who it was, I was feeling too peaceful to really care and I figured they might say something first. Finally I turned to look at the person who stood so silently next to me and I jumped back from extreme shock, landing flat on my butt. Dressed in white clothes was the exact spitting image of myself.
"What the hell is going on here?" I asked no one in particular. The pain at my rear end was a reminder that this was all too real.
My double looked down at me with a warm smile, he said, "You have nothing to fear in this place."
"Fear?" I said in a high pitched voice, I cleared my throat, "Who said I was scared?"
"Nothing can harm you here, least of all me, or should I say, yourself," my double said extending a hand down to me. I reached up to grab his hand and he helped me up.
Dusting sand off myself I said, "I don't get it, who are you?"
"Don't you recognise me?" my double said.
"Is that supposed to be a joke?" I said incredulously, "Wait, was that a trick question?"
My double laughed, he said, "I always liked having a sense of humour."
The confused expression on my face said more than I could express with words.
Continuing, my double said, "You already know the answer to these questions."
"Hey, I asked you, uh whoever you are . . . damn it, why do you look like me?" I said feeling like my head was going to explode from the conundrum.
I watched my double raise his eyebrow and waited for a response but none came. Then I realised I had essentially asked the same question as the first. I was definitely not in the mood for riddles, considering my best friend had died right before my eyes while I couldn't do anything to prevent it. My sight blurred as tears welled up but I refused to let myself mourn in this strange place.
"It doesn't have to end this way," my double said, "Our journey has culminated up to this precise point for a reason, don't allow this mistake to be repeated."
"What are you talking about?" I said.
"We must learn to open our hearts first, in this lifetime it is the key to opening our eyes, and our minds," he said.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"You know exactly what I mean," he said, "You need to tell him how you feel. But first you need to trust in your feelings, and understand that what you need is the same as what you have always wanted though never allowed yourself to have."
"You're talking about Edric," I said simply.
"You can deny yourself true happiness and live in ignorance of what could be, but know that your life will not be complete, and in your next life you will be destined to relive this mistake until you can finally learn to take your fate into your own hands.
"And when you understand that your soul can only be whole through a diversity of experiences spanning equally as many lives, will you have truly set foot on the path to enriching that soul."
The words stirred something deep within me. I knew that he was talking about more than Edric, but I also knew that Edric was to play a significant part of my life, and it was something that I've always known but never thought about too much. Like a ripple caused by a stone thrown into a pond it spread through me until I could no longer deny the joy and happiness I felt since my first encounter with Edric. I threw my head back, closed my eyes and basked in the ecstasy of release. I felt so much more for Edric than I could ever appreciate if I continued to keep myself from exploring those feelings. As I let them wash over me I realised how deep they went, right down to my inner being.
I felt lighter and could no longer feel the sand beneath my feet. Opening my eyes I found myself floating, drifting through the clouds high above the ocean. I wasn't afraid, I knew myself better than before, I knew that my life had purpose. I also knew that I had lived many lives with just as many purposes. It was clear to me now that who I was, and all the lives I've lived, were all part of the same journey. A journey containing lessons every soul would eventually learn, a journey of insights that we were all destined to grasp and master in one life or the next.
I looked at my double with understanding. I said, "You are me."
He smiled, "Yes, I am your higher self."
"I know what I must do now," I said.
"Everybody holds the truth of their destinies within them," my higher self said, "But that we can connect with this truth in this lifetime is due to the accumulation of all we have learnt and the karmic debt owed to us."
I nodded. My higher self floated towards me and we merged as one. A flash of white enveloped everything and I felt the pull of gravity grounding my feet. A glaring after burn distorted my vision, when it cleared I found myself back at the hospital. It took a moment to orient myself, but with the return of awareness, the feelings of pain and loss came flooding back as well.
"We're not giving up yet," the doctor said adamantly. "Nurse, prepare the epinephrine. NOW!"
One of the nurses hurriedly complied. Most of the needed equipment and drugs must have been stored in the cart that was wheeled in with their arrival. The nurse filled a syringe with a liquid, presumably the epinephrine, and passed it to the doctor. With haste and precision, he stabbed the syringe into Edric's heart and injected the fluid. I winced at that. It felt like it was my own heart being pierced.
The doctor once again applied the defibrillator paddles to Edric's chest. It seemed like time was passing slowly again when he activated them. Edric's chest arched upwards. Nothing happened. I couldn't begin to describe what I was feeling at this moment, but needless to say, I was more on edge than I'd ever been in my life.
I tried to move towards Edric, I wanted to be next to him, but something held me back and I realised the female nurse was still restraining me. She must have given up trying to drag me out of the room. Nevertheless, she wouldn't allow me near him either.
Time was ticking away and with every second that went by, the chances of resuscitating Edric grew slim until soon any efforts would become futile and hopeless. I wished there was something I could do. I would have gladly given my life in exchange if it were possible.
"Tell him how you feel . . . trust in your feelings, and understand that what you need is the same as what you have always wanted though never allowed yourself to have," the voice of my higher self echoed in my head. Well, if that episode I had recently wasn't a hallucination brought on by my distraught brain it was still good advice. Useless advice for now, perhaps.
How was I supposed to tell him what I felt for him if I wasn't even completely sure of what those feelings were? Even if I was sure, I couldn't possibly tell him in his condition at the moment; for God's sake, he wasn't even exhibiting any signs of life.
I sank down to my knees, helpless and more scared than I knew how to show. If there was ever a time for God to intervene and save my sorry ass, then now would be the time, because somehow I knew that my life would never be the same if Edric died today.
I looked at the nurse who held me back for the first time since she started to restrain me. Her face was filled with more compassion and understanding than she was required to feel. Then she said something that shouldn't have meant anything beyond condolences under the present circumstance.
"Sometimes it's better to say what's in your heart, then to never say it and always regret it," the nurse said to me. I couldn't understand why she would give me such advice in light of this situation, but then I remembered a documentary I watched a while back that proved the brain could still function and can still be aware of the environment for a limited time even though the heart would stop beating. I glanced at Edric, and then back at the nurse. She nodded silently as if in encouragement.
"Edric," I said, but it came out more of a croak than anything intelligible. I continued with more force, "Damnit Edric! You can't leave me now, not before I have the chance to tell you . . .!"
The doctor looked towards me, then at the nurse irritably. Droplets of sweat glistened on his forehead as he returned to his work.
"Edric!" I almost screamed. Hot tears welled in my eyes as the last of my opportunity quickly faded away. It was now or never. With every breath I could muster I shouted across the room, "I love you!"
At that moment the doctor activated the defibrillator paddles once more. Again Edric's chest arched. Again a moment of silence ensued. Then a beep.
And another beep. Then more as the cardiac monitor relayed cardiac activity. I couldn't believe it; Edric was still alive. The nurse smiled at me as she helped me onto my feet. My legs still felt weak but she continued to support my weight. I turned to the doorway where I saw Aunt Jen wearing a knowing expression on her face. Julie, on the other hand, looked plain bewildered.
When I returned my attention to Edric I noticed his eyelids were twitching as he struggled to open them. He blinked rapidly as he came into consciousness. The doctor pried his eyelid open wider and shone a penlight to observe the pupil dilation of each eye. The doctor went through the rudimentary assessment of consciousness, asking Edric to follow has hand movements and how many fingers he was holding up.
"Unbelievable," the doctor muttered to himself, "Such a remarkable yet spontaneous recovery from cardiac arrest."
Edric noticed I was still in the room, in a weak voice he called out to me, "March?"
"I'm here," I said sniffing with tears streaming down my face. Tears of happiness this time. The nurse loosened her grip on me and I made my way to his side.
It was almost unreal. Like a vivid dream it was just the two of us now. Nothing else mattered, and it didn't, everything around me disappeared except for the sight of Edric.
"I thought I lost you," I said to Edric.
"You're not getting rid of me that easily," he said.
I laughed abruptly, then softly I said, "No, I wouldn't try even if I could."
I held his hand and brushed aside a few strands of hair that stuck to his forehead. He was observing me with a questioning look on his face.
"God, this was a lot easier when you were dead," I said absently.
He raised an eyebrow and I realised I had just spoken my thoughts aloud.
I bit on my upper lip and steeled myself for the worst. He needed to know, I owed him that much. I owed myself that much to tell him at the least.
Smiling I braved on. I said, "Before I met you I didn't know how to let anyone into my heart. It was you who broke down my defences, and showed me I deserve to be loved."
Edric listened patiently, understanding. His light green eyes delved into my very soul.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are my centre, I couldn't live without you in my life and I will always be drawn to you . . . even if . . . you don't feel . . ."
"As you are mine," he said without allowing me to finish, his tone suggested he wasn't even prepared to let me consider it. "You are my centre."
A tear slid down his face and I wiped it away.
"I really do love you Edric," I said finally. My heart was on my sleeve but I wasn't afraid anymore. This is what I wanted. This is who I am now.
Edric's face was a picture of contentment. He said, "I love you too, and if we're going to have a future together you're going to have to let me rest first."
I laughed again. "Okay, get better Edric."
I kissed his forehead, squeezed his hand one last time and did the hardest thing yet so far; I walked away.
Leaving the intensive care ward I linked one arm around Aunt Jen's and the other around Julie's. Despite recent events, everything worked out well, albeit unexpectedly well and I knew that things would be fine from now on. As an afterthought and while I led my aunt and sister out of the hospital I said, "By the way Aunt Jen, remind me not to ever get a reading from you again!"