Chad left with his mom for a visit to Montreal the Monday following our messy tryst. The week and a half he was gone was double for me -
He was, of course, all I could think about - as was the uncertainty I felt about the newfound intimacy we had known. It was obvious to me that we had gotten past being simple jerk-off buddies, however I sensed hesitancy and restraint in Chad. For the first time I began to interpret my actions - was I gay? Did it matter? Was he?
The 12 days he was gone saw his constant entrance into my thoughts - two weeks of jacking off to the replay of our bodies sliding against each other in the pool house. We talked on the phone towards the ends of his trip, a conversation consisting of small talk and friendly chatter, yet still my heart raced ahead of my mind.
Chad returned to town midweek. Though he didn't mention it at the time, his visit with his father was uncomfortable and strained, and he was relived to be back. His mother had stayed in Montreal with friends, and we planned what any other sixteen year olds would given such an opportunity for freedom. We invited everyone we knew to party that Saturday night- it was our project. In my mind, however, I wondered what would happen next. Our sexual life remained hidden amongst the patterns of our normal friendship.
The Saturday of the party, Chad and I played our usual morning tennis match, then returned to his house for a swim. I was anxious to get back in the pool house, but after our swim fate seemed to be against me. A few friends from the deli came by as we were swimming to plan for the event - who would arrange for the beer, etc. As afternoon settled in and plans solidified, I lost hope that we'd get to chance it alone, and went home to rest up and have dinner with my family.
I showed up at Chad's early, hoping to catch him alone. He was indeed alone, if a bit frantic, as the house seemed no cleaner than it had earlier in the afternoon. I joined in the cleaning and chatted with him about his trip. He seemed at first hesitant to talk about his father, but after a quick beer he seemed to loosen up.
Slouched into the couch, beer in hand, Chad offered an introduction to the topic after a silence.
"It's weird, you know, it's not that he's an asshole. That would be the easy out, I think. I mean he had every right to leave my mom, hell I can't claim they were happy or anything. It's just, well, I never realized how little he was involved in our lives until now. I expected to get there and hang out with him, just be normal. But I don't think we were ever normal, you know? It was like being with a stranger - and every time his girlfriend was around, he was even weirder."
"Man, I can't imagine having to see that-" I began, though I had misinterpreted his intention.
"-No, really, I didn't have a problem with her. I mean sure it was kind of bizarre, but it was him - he acted like the stranger in the group. Just crazy, I guess."
"I'm sorry, man," -I had no idea what to say, but found something to fill the void- "how was your mom on the trip?"
"She's incredible, god I'm so glad I take after her. And she totally warned me about this, now that I look back, but you know, whatever, is 20/20."
"Hindsight."
"Yeah, hindsight, genius." As he said this, Chad punched me in the arm, smirking. I gave my best smirk back, but it came off as more of a stare. He held my stare for a second, then chuckled and turned his head, taking a gulp of his beer.
"Well, I think it looks pretty damn good in here, A? I mean what's the point anyway, the place is going to be trashed."
"Yeah, just a meaningless rule." I decided to take the opportunity to imply my desires. My heart was knocking hard at my chest. "So I missed you, man, it's not as much fun with you gone."
His reply was short. "Yeah, thanks."
Another silence, then Chad quipped, "plus, this place is so boring, really. I mean just being back in Montreal for a few weeks, there was so much to do! You've got to come with me sometime. Anyway, tonight should be fun."
The time we had told people to show up had passed, and I knew I only had little time to work with. Though I knew it was no smooth transition whatsoever, I blurted out, "Man, and I've been so fucking horny." I slouched more into the couch and let my hand sort of drift onto my inner thigh. I looked up at Chad, hoping to see his will capitulate, but got the opposite.
Chad got up from the couch immediately, visibly uncomfortable. Embarrassment crept over my sly grin, and I suddenly felt the consequence of my risk. Ever the nice guy, Chad looked back with a fake smile as he walked towards the kitchen and said "what, like you haven't been jerking off. I know I have," and quickly turned his head back. I knew it, I had analyzed incorrectly, I had gone to far. Not only this, but I suddenly felt I had alienated myself, placing myself in some sort of new category.
The ten minutes that passed before the first group of people arrived was painfully civil. We got more beers, went over the house again looking for breakables and other perils, and chatted up small, inconsequential things. Inside I felt I like a true idiot.
Fast-forward two hours, and the party was raging. A group of people from the town across the lake had gotten word of the night's plans, and the result was a full crowd. Given the noise generated by the crowd, I was glad Chad lived in the wilderness. People were everywhere - in the woods, around the pool, in the pool, in the house. The few times I visited the bathroom, I noticed the doors to the bedrooms were closed, and each time, though I knew he was out by the pool, my mind couldn't escape the image of Chad inside, making out with some girl.
The higher my blood alcohol level climbed, the bolder my anger grew. Though we were equal parts of the same social group, I had barely spent any time with the usual circle. My state left me unexpectedly extroverted, and by the time I was certifiably drunk I was hanging out with the new kids from across the way. It soon became clear to me that one of the girls, Anna, was specifically interested in my company.
I was being childish. I was hurt. And soon I was walking into the woods with Anna, her intentions clear and my willingness a direct result of Chad's indifference. The next ten minutes in the woods did more to solidify my feelings for Chad than anything - we kissed and let our hands run over each other's bodies, but something felt mechanical about the whole scene. When a friend of mine unintentionally passed by and caught us kissing, I felt relieved. Against her wishes, I coaxed Anna back to the party. "I'd like another beer. You?" There was no reason she had to answer.
By the time I got back to the pool area, the news had spread, I could tell by the expressions on my friends' faces. Then I saw Chad. He was standing on the patio just outside the great room, looking my way. It seemed he was standing there awaiting my eye contact. His face was blank, leaving nothing for me to interpret. I raised my eyebrows and shoulders in a shrug, beckoning levity. He responded with a forced, lifeless version of the same shrug, turned, and went in the house.
Confused. Confused, and distanced. Confused, distanced, and drunk. Yes, and Anna too. I pooled all the wisdom I had at my disposal into the best decision possible: drink a whole lot more. The following is what I remember form the rest of the party.
Parked at the beer cooler, I avoided contact with most people I knew, and drank. I remember not being able to see straight as I stumbled across the lawn to the house to get some water. Out of the blur from across the kitchen I heard loud voices cutting through blaring music. The next thing I knew I was crunched on to the couch with people I had never met, smoking a joint. What generous folks, I thought, my last clear and positive sentiment for hours. The weed threw me over the edge, and at once I had both a bad case of the spins and a burgeoning nausea.
Chad and I had made sure to put up a sign prohibiting entrance to his mother's room, and it was there I headed first. To my surprise, there were two people making out in the bed when I entered, but as I was sick and thus interested in pure efficiency, I barked at them to get out and shut the door. I ran into the bathroom, kneeled at the toilet, and got sick. For some time.
I awoke on the bathroom floor, peeled myself up, and found some mouthwash. I tried to amass the spirit required to return to the festivities, but once I left the bathroom and caught sight of Chad's mom's bed, my mind was made up. I took off my shorts, collapsed on the soft cover in my boxers, and sank into deep sleep soon thereafter.
I came out of sleep slowly, eventually recognizing a hand tapping my shoulder. My sight eased back and adjusted to the dark, and the first thing I saw was a glass of water. I grabbed it and drank it quick, looking up finally to see Chad, wearing no shirt, chuckling at me. Still perceptibly drunk, he showed a softer side of himself, asking, "How are you feeling? Man, you passed out, no one knew where you were for a while."
I said nothing. Speech was not yet possible.
"So looks like you had fun. Party was a success, I think. Certainly for you, no, what was her name?"
My first words came to me. "I don't care. Really, I didn't even have fun with her. I don't know..." my thoughts left me. Chad filled in.
"Really? I thought, well, I don't know what I thought." He seemed to be holding something back, something I knew I wanted him to get to. I continued for him.
"Listen, Chad, tonight totally sucked for me. I had no idea what was going on, when I saw you give me that look after I came out of the woods, I don't know, I felt like shit." I shook my head, continuing, "I just, whatever, I just can't figure things out right now."
"Well that makes two of us. I mean the whole time, I was-"
A crash sounded from down the hall.
"Are people still here?" I asked.
"Yeah, some people will probably crash here, I guess." Silence followed, during which Chad and I met eyes. "Um, do you want another beer?"
"Are you kidding me? No!"
"Well I do, I'm going to get another beer. Be back in a second."
Chad was back in ten seconds, and after entering the room, with a chug on the bottle, his expression was that of something spanning the border of courage and fear. He sat down on the edge of the bed and said, "What you said before, about missing me while I was gone. I, I should have said the same thing. I mean truthfully, I was so glad to see you. This is so fucking weird! I don't know, you know?"
My whole self reacted to what he said, and my growing hangover seemed to vanish. I smiled grandly.
"What? What are you smiling at?"
I didn't say a word. I extended my arm and punched him on the arm. Without deciding to, I punched him again, this time leaving my hand on the meeting of his shoulder and his arm. I ran my arm down his shoulder and onto his back, following his muscle to the small of his back. Chad's expression went from serious to nervous and back. I took my hand off his body, and laid on the bed, unsure of what to do next. Chad tried to talk.
"I just," he hesitated. "I just don't know what I want."
I retorted. "Don't you?" And held his gaze.
To this day I am so glad I chose those words. Perfect for the moment. No more words needed, just decision. Which Chad came through with, of course, as he was famous for.
Chad leaned down in my direction. At last instant, he turned his head away from me and shook his head in a self-conscious smirk, as if to allow himself a last chance out. He didn't take it, however, and turned his face back to meet mine. My whole chest seemed to ignite with yearning, and as my eyes fixed on his with more passion, Chad closed his eyes and leaned into my lips. Our mouths met and didn't move at first. I remember thinking, if I could clone this second, I'd live in it for the rest of my life.
Our lips eventually began to move together, and our mouths opened as our pace increased. For a few moments we laid there, our mouths the only mutual contact. When I realized this, though, I put my arm around his back and pulled him into me. Our bodies slid into place next to each other, and I ran my hands up his back to his neck. Locked in an intense kiss, Chad and I moved closer. Chad propped his leg up onto mine, and moved it over, positioning it between my two legs. Our crotches grew nearer, and the anticipation drove me wild. I made the final move, pulling Chad almost on top of me. I could feel his erection through his shorts, and soon it made contact with my hardness. Chad pushed his hips into mine, forcing our dicks together, and the sensation made me gasp out loud. Chad took his lips away from mine, and smiled his Cheshire grin in a way that I'll never forget. No matter how confusing the night had been, it was clear now that we both were getting what we wanted. I couldn't believe it. We continued to grind against each other and kiss for several minutes, when suddenly Chad got up.
I watched, unsure of what he was doing, as he crossed the room and turned the lock in the door. He looked back at me, and I nodded in approval. He stood at the door, and looked down at the erection tenting through his shorts. A small wet spot appeared where the tip hit the cloth, and as we both acknowledged this, we laughed out loud.
Chad came back to the bed, and assumed the position we had been in. For the first time, he let his hands explore without inhibition. He explored my chest and my stomach, my back, my legs and my inner thighs. He teased around my crotch, making me buck a little as he approached and turned away with his hand. I felt completely comfortable with him. I gave him a friendly push, and said "you fucker, cut it out."
He laughed, joking "oh yeah? oh yeah?" The next thing his hand found the slit of my boxers and reached inside to feel my erection. He popped it out of the hole and held it in his hand. "This better?" He asked, though without the upturn in pitch that normally distinguishes a question.
"Yeah," I moaned, approaching ecstasy. He slowly began stroking my dick up and down, staring at my member. I laid my head back, closed my eyes, and breathed hard. Chad stroked me for a few moments, and as I got to the point where my hips began to move in opposition to his hands, Chad leaned in and kissed me again. Hard. This took me aback for a second, and I opened my eyes to his stare.
"I kind of, well, I've always..."
Chad seemed incapable of the clarity he usually exhibited. Without finishing his thought, he sat up on the bed and shuffled down a bit. His head came down towards my stomach, and as he laid his lips down near my bellybutton, he gave me a quick glance. I must have looked like a little kid, frightened and giddy and nervous. He too, though, looked nervous.
With that small kiss on my stomach, Chad shifted again, and moved his head toward my penis. He lowered a bit, and stuck out his tongue to meet the head of my dick. This sent chills through me, and I lurched a bit. Chad kept hold of my dick, and lowered his lips over the head. I felt his tongue swirl around the head, and I was aware of every sensation. He lowered his head more, taking about half of the dick in his mouth, and then slowly pulled his lips off. This pattern continued, each time taking more into his mouth, until he could almost fit the entire length of the shaft in his mouth. I remember the rhythmic rustling of his red hair, I remember his back muscles, expanding and contracting with his movements. The warmth of his mouth over my dick drew me close to orgasm, and I tried to distract myself. I shuffled a bit, pulling Chad's legs down so that he laid in an L-shape.
I moved my hand to his crotch, and felt the bulge. His dick jumped as I touched it through the cloth. Trying my best not to concentrate on the sex his mouth was giving me, I carefully unzipped his shorts, reached under his briefs, and freed his penis. I stroked him in my hand slowly, and through my penis I felt the vibration of his moan. I felt, once again, like I was floating atop the bed with him. Our bodies moved as one, his mouth, my hips, his head back and forth, mine plunging back onto the pillow in ecstasy, my hand moving against the slight oscillation of his hips and back.
My breath grew hard and a bit uncontrollable, and I knew I was getting close. My hips moved up and down, my dick in and out of his mouth. I stroked him faster, wishing I had some Vaseline, still trying to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible. With a huge deep breath, I knew I was almost there.
Then a crisp knock at the door. I jumped out of my dream, and stared at the door. Someone outside shouted 'Chad, you in there? Chad? Some kid just broke something in your kitchen." Chad looked at me, noticed my fear, and as cool as Sinatra he took his index finger and put it up to my lips, quieting me, the whole time holding my throbbing penis in his hands. I remembered that the door was locked, and calmed down. I took the finger in my mouth, sucking it, as he had been my dick. Chad laughed silently and smiled at me, and I suppose at that moment I knew for sure I wasn't alone in my sentiment.
"Chad? Eh, I guess he's outside." We heard the voices fade. Chad looked back up at me.
"You're pretty close, eh?" He teased me.
I let out an airy, trite "yeah" that seemed perfect for the moment, and Chad lowered his lips back onto my dick. I was so close, and I knew to let myself go this time. My dick was so slippery that as Chad moved up and down it with his mouth, his hand slid along with it. The pleasure was too much to handle, the constant contact drove me over the edge. I tried to warn him, but he seemed unconcerned. I surrendered to lust and let my head collapse back as my orgasm hit. My breath quickened suddenly, and I let out several short, blunt grunts. I felt my cum charge out into Chad's mouth, and with each of the first spurts I only felt my passion grow, finally subsiding a bit as I re-entered reality.
After a moment, as my dick softened, Chad finally took his mouth off my penis, wiping off the excess with the back of his hand, and just started laughing quietly. His laughter was always addictive, and I too chimed in. Chad turned back to me and shuffled to my side.
"What I was trying to say was, I've been dreaming about trying that. How was it?"
Before I could answer he thrust his lips at me, and we engaged in a long, hot kiss. Yes, I could taste something in his kiss, but I didn't mind, not one bit. We held a kiss for several minutes, when we both became aware of the people arguing outside, down the hall. Chad sat up and said, "I have to see what's going on."
I didn't want him to leave, but I understood he was going to.
"Listen, you just sleep here, I'll see what this is. Have a good sleep. Man, I am so glad, well, you know."
At this point, standing up with a still half-hard erection poking out of his shorts, Chad and I both laughed. He put his penis back in his pants, zipped up, and grabbed his beer. The bulge was still visible, and the wet spot remained, but Chad just moved towards the door.
"Chad, uh, aren't you going to wait a second?" Looking down, Chad saw what I meant, and shrugged, "nah, no need."
He opened the door carefully, looked back at me, and took a swig of his beer. He made a playful face, and spoke the word 'gulp' to me in silence. I laughed as he closed the door behind me.
I never got to try and give him the same that night, as I was fast asleep in minutes. The next day, as everyone left (and before I had to go home and nurse a hangover at church, then still mandatory for our family) Chad informed me that he had jerked off twice before going to sleep. He was headed back to sleep, and was walking around the house that morning in nothing but a sheet tied around his waist like a half-toga.
Church was, for the first and last time, exciting. I was ripe that morning for a spiritual rush.