I would like to take a moment and thank everyone who's written to me recently and given me feedback about the story. I REALLY, REALLY appreciate it! I'm sorry if I have neglected some characters. The story does centre around Brian and Nick, but I hope that I can give everybody some attention as I go on.
I'd like to follow the tradition and list the Nifty stories that I recommend to new readers, but honestly, there are too many that I enjoy and look up to. A few of my very favourites are "Brian and Me," "Brian and Justin," "'N Sync, Lance and JC," "Separate Lives," "Question of Faith," "Don't Wanna Lose" ... etc!!
Ye Olde Disclaimer: Please don't read if you are offended by gay sex. This is a work of fiction and does not imply anything about the personalities, habits or sexual orientations of the "real" people used as characters in the story.
NOTE: I don't know all that much about 'N Sync so I'm going to take even greater liberties with their characters. I hope I don't make any huge, unforgivable mistakes!
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
After the two shows in Vienna, the Backstreet Boys entourage hopped a commercial flight to Paris, packed into the first and business class sections and blocked in by a wall of bodyguards. They signed a few autographs for the flight attendants and huddled together for mini conferences. Dani and Misha commiserated; they were both in low spirits. Clive had taken the two of them aside and reiterated that they were a couple, and should behave as such. Dani going out to clubs without Misha was not going to happen any more. It wasn't until that moment that Dani realised this little charade would be a major compromise of her personal life and could stand in the way of a relationship with A.J. "We have nothing to bargain with," Misha said. By this point, they were completely entangled in both the public front and the behind-the-scenes reality of the Backstreet Boys, and the weight of this had come crashing down on their shoulders. Things between Misha and Brian had been somewhat tense and Misha wasn't sure why; he was afraid to ask. Dani was disappointed because A.J. was only treating her as a friend. Hadn't he said on the bus from Munich that he wanted to start over again? "He's been really preoccupied about something," Dani said to Misha, who replied sadly, "I was about to say the same thing about Brian."
Their schedule only got more hectic when they arrived in the bustling capital of France. Television appearances, photo shoots, press conferences, meetings with fans, and then the concerts themselves, three nights before a sold-out stadium crowd. After an open-air festival near the medieval city of Chartres, the guys would get two days off. Brian guessed that Nick would be doing another show and after a bit of prodding, managed to get the details from Mike, one of A.J.'s bodyguards, who always seemed to know everything that was going on. Brian came back to the room he was sharing with Misha and went on and on about what this might mean and what was Nick thinking and why hadn't he told him, while Misha sat staring out the window at the streets of Paris. They had one more show to do there, that night, and their stay in the city had been so crazy that they hadn't even had a chance to take in any of the sights. There was an after-party that night which they couldn't skip, because the guys from 'N Sync were going to be there to catch up and talk shop, since they would be doing the festival in Chartres as well. Misha was tempted to just leave and go see the city himself. The Backstreet Boys didn't have the time to go sight-seeing that day, and they couldn't leave the hotel without major hassle anyway, since there were fans literally staked out everywhere. If I left now, and stayed out until the show, I could see quite a lot, we're right downtown. Then, I could leave after the show and take in the nightlife of Paris.
"Are you even listening to me?" There was more than a bit of an edge to Brian's voice, and Misha tried to apologise, but Brian left the room angry and slammed the door behind him. Misha lit up a cigarette and paced around irritably, feeling like a caged animal. Brian found Nick in the gym, accompanied by his bodyguard Leo, who also served as his personal trainer. Nick, who used to be so skinny, was big now, with sexy, muscular arms and a tendency to put on weight easily. He was very self-conscious about his body and hated having other people watch him work out. "Can we talk?" Brian asked. "I'm not finished yet," Nick said, "I have to do two more sets of these, at least, and then I was gonna swim some laps." "Nick, this is important. I have to talk to you, now." "Fine Brian," Nick said in a low voice, avoiding eye contact with him the whole time. "Meet me in my room in ten minutes." Brian went out a back way and let himself into the private floor they had secured for themselves. He paused to gaze down into the lobby, standing behind a potted plant so as not to draw attention to himself. There were several large groups of fans down there, and despite the hotel staff's best efforts to keep the crowds down, there wasn't much they could do about the people who were actually guests at the same hotel. Brian hated all the craziness about being a pop star. He felt the same inside. Why couldn't people treat him like a human being?
Some things didn't change; when Nick let Brian into his hotel room, it was as messy as ever. The singer stepped over piles of clothing, newspapers, a large sketch pad, and some random crap that fans had tossed onto the stage as he made his way to the couch. "So you came to talk to me," Nick said mysteriously. "You're doing another solo show," Brian said. "Why didn't you tell us?" "You didn't ask," Nick said in a flip way, sticking his big hand into a little bag of potato chips. "Want some?" "No," Brian frowned. "Nick, I think you owe the rest of us the respect of at least telling us when you do these shows." Nick just munched on his food and they sat in silence for a minute. "Funny," Nick said finally. "What?" "I dunno, Bri, I just thought maybe you really wanted to talk to me. You know, about us." Brian sighed. I can't cope with this right now, he thought. There was such a surge of conflicting emotions in his heart that he literally had no idea what words might come out of his mouth next. "I have to take a shower and make some phone calls and stuff," Nick was saying. "So if you don't mind." Brian stared at Nick, who was sitting like a little boy, perched on the edge of the couch, his blond hair hanging in his eyes. The gulf between them seemed like an ocean, and Brian was looking at a drifting ship, in the mist, a mirage. "You don't fool me," Brian said quietly. "I'm not trying to fool you, Brian," Nick replied, his voice shaking slightly. "Nick, look at me. Look me in the eyes and talk to me." "Brian, I think you should go." "You can't just ignore me forever." Nick just ran his hands through his hair, gulping back tears. They sat in silence until Brian got up angrily. "You're being so unfair," Brian said. "Why do you have to be like this? Nick, I still care about you. Why won't you talk to me? Is that so much to ask?" "Get out!" Nick yelled suddenly, "get out of my room!" "Fine," Brian choked out. "Don't try to manipulate me," Nick said, "don't play those fucking games with me, Brian." "Nick, how can you say that? I would never do that to you!" "Get out, I said get out!" Nick stood up and shoved Brian hard. "I hate you sometimes," Brian said, tears running down his face. Nick just sat back down and put his face in his hands as he started to cry as well.
Brian burst out of Nick's room and ran right into Kevin, who was coming around the corner. "Oh, Kev," Brian said, frowning and wiping his face with his sleeve. "Where are you headed to?" Kevin flushed a bit, feeling suddenly nervous and guilty. "I was, ah, I was just going to see if Lorna was in her room..." His insides clenched with a severe reality check. What, Kevin said to himself, you're not going to tell your cousin that you were going to Nick's room for your daily fuck session? But Brian hadn't even picked up on Kevin's stammering response. "Look, I need to talk to you," Brian said quietly, and he took Kevin by the arm and led him a few steps away. "What is it? Bri, are you okay?" "No. It's about Nick." Kevin froze. "Kev, he's doing another solo show. I can't be the one to talk to him about it. I can't do it... I..." Brian started to cry again and Kev found himself giving his cousin a hug. "Kev, somebody has to talk to him and it can't be me. Please, just do something, anything..." Brian cried as he talked, and Kevin had the distinct feeling that the reason that he was this upset was not because of a stupid solo concert. "I know you and Nick haven't been getting along, but I don't know what he's doing, he won't talk to me anymore, he just lies to me, and he hides stuff from me, and ..." "It's okay, cuz. Just let it out." "When we got back together, he was like this too, Kev, he wouldn't ever tell me what was going on with him, and I didn't want to upset him. Damnit..." Brian wiped his face again. "He just... We just can't be together, at all." Brian turned on his heel to walk away.
Kevin knocked on Nick's door, not even sure what he was doing. He had been on the edge of the maelstrom of Nick and Brian's relationship for a long time before getting fully sucked in, and now he felt a sudden eery calm at its very centre. Nick let Kevin in and the two men stood just inside the doorway with their arms around each other, and Kevin kissed Nick softly on the lips. Just the touch of his skin sent a bolt of arousal through Kevin's body. He felt as though his sexual need grew every day; he was addicted to Nick. Kevin looked Nick in the eyes, brushing his hair gently away from his face. "You look so sad," Kevin said. His low, mellow voice echoed in the big room. "I'm sorry," Nick said, wiping away tears, "I know I look really bad." "No, you don't," Kevin said, and he hugged Nick tightly. Nick shook a bit, trying to hold back more emotion, and Kevin walked him slowly to the bedroom, where they lay down together. "We're going to fuck in the bed?" Nick asked, playing with the buttons of Kevin's shirt. They made eye contact and Kevin found himself unable to read Nick's expression at that moment; he appeared to be emotionless. "We've never fucked in a bed before." "Your voice is all scratchy," Kevin said, "you should keep quiet and rest it for the show." "Okay," Nick sighed, and his hands found Kevin's belt and zipper, unfastening them and caressing his muscular body. They kissed lazily, savouring the sensation of their tongues playfully battling for supremacy, and then Nick blew a whispering breath of soft warm air on Kevin's neck. "Don't you want me," Nick said quietly, laying back on his pillow and gazing at Kevin. "Your face," Kevin said, "you just look ... I don't know." Nick gulped as a fresh wave of sadness crashed over him. He turned over to lie on his back, resting one hand on his stomach, and exhaled shakily as fresh tears formed in his eyes.
"Kevin, you know what they say about second chances." "What's that," Kevin said, lying in the same position and staring at the ceiling. "You're not supposed to get them. But I did." Kevin didn't respond, but Nick just continued anyway. "In New York, when Brian and me got back together. I fucked up so bad but he took me back. And then I fucked it up again." "Nicky, everything changes in life. You can't hold on to something from the past." They both lay there in silence for a split second, thinking that it was odd that Kevin had called him Nicky. "I never deserved to have him anyway," Nick said, "it was too good to be true, I guess. I know I have to move on, but I just don't want to be alone. I hate being alone more than anything." "It's hard not to be alone living this kind of life," Kevin replied sadly. "Maybe I'll meet somebody else," Nick said, "somebody really different from Brian. I'm pretty young, I mean, I'm only 21." "I was 21 when I met you," Kevin said with a little laugh. "How strange." "You got to be a real person until you were 21," Nick said. "I never had that."
"Sometimes I wonder," Kevin said, "what if that woman I was dancing with hadn't mentioned the auditions?"
"I don't think I could go out with anybody who wasn't in the business. It just couldn't work. They wouldn't understand me... I think they'd really hate me..."
"I was being paid to dance with old women. That just seems too appropriate, doesn't it."
"They'd think I was totally insane."
"Whoring myself out. What a joke. How can you fulfill yourself at the same time? Damn it, I keep trying. Musically, personally, spiritually... Now I sound like Brian."
"I don't think I'm insane. But there's the performer me and then there's another me. And most people don't know that other me. They wouldn't want to anyway."
"Nick, let's try to catch some Z's before the show. Your voice sounds like shit."
Nick turned over to curl up beside Kevin, slipping his hand up his shirt and resting it on his heart as he lay his head on Kevin's shoulder. "Wake me up in a bit," Nick whispered, and he licked Kevin's ear. "I think you know how to."
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
"As long as you love me..." "Bon soir Paris, and until the next time ... au revoir!" A.J.'s last words hung over the screaming, packed stadium crowd as the guys ran backstage, dripping with sweat and hyped up from adrenaline. "What the hell is that thing?" Howie was laughing, asking Brian about an inflatable toy somebody had thrown on the stage. "Beats the crap out of me. Boo, any thoughts?" Kevin shook his head, gulping down a glass of water. "Fuck, I'm nasty," Nick said, wiping his long hair back with both hands, "I have to get in the shower NOW." "Damn boy, you stink," A.J. agreed, and he picked up the big toy. "I think it's some kinda alien. Nick would know. Nick, hold up, what's this supposed to be?" "I don't think he heard you," Howie said, pulling his shirt off and sniffing himself discreetly. "Oh, he heard," Brian said quietly, scowling. They headed their separate ways back to the hotel to get changed.
"Danielle, you look ... mahvelous," A.J. smiled as he held an arm out for her to take. "You don't look so bad yourself," she smiled back graciously. Dani wore a tight-fitting burgundy velvet dress with mock-medieval arm ties and a square neckline, and had her dark brown hair swept back with a couple of rhinestone clips. A.J. was, by coincidence, wearing a deep purple velvety jacket and a black top with an interlaced front over shiny silver-lavender pants, all of which matched her ensemble quite nicely. "You'll have to tell me which of those 'N Sync boys to stay away from," Dani said as they entered the dark banquet hall together. "Well, J.C. and Joey will probably not move from the food until it's decimated," A.J. smiled. "You could talk to Chris. He's wacked." "You guys all get along, though, right? No big brawls are going to break out?" "If they do," A.J. said dryly, "it will probably be just us Backstreet Boys killing each other." Leighanne came bouncing up. "Dani, how are you, girl? Wait 'til you hear my news!" They took glasses of champagne from a waiter and began chatting as A.J. headed over to catch up with J.C. Chasez. "And who is this lovely lady?" A.J. asked as he slid in between J.C. and a brunette. "Veronique Fourier, meet A.J. McLean." "My pleasure," A.J. said as he took the woman's hand in his to kiss it. She laughed. "Ah, Josh, you didn't tell me ze Backstreet Boys are so cute." She pinched A.J.'s cheek. "Si mignon, we say in France." "They're not that cute," J.C. grinned. "I'm pretty damn cute," A.J. said with a highly offended air. "Leighanne, that's fantastic," Dani said, hugging her friend tightly. "I know, I can't wait! We start shooting in a month, and I'm going to go down next week and meet the rest of the cast and start working on lines ... Oh, and hit the gym big time of course!" "Tanning salon." "Yep, that too!" The two of them laughed happily together and Dani peered over Leighanne's shoulder to check on what A.J. was up to. She was hoping to get a chance to talk to him one on one before he inhaled mass quantities of controlled substances.
"That's going to be a pain in the ass, though," Lance was saying to Howie as they stood together filling their plates with food from the buffet. "It's only two days, less than that with all the travel," Howie sighed. "But being away from her is killing me. I've been spending too many nights in my room watching European television shows." Lance let out a big belly laugh at that idea. "Oh yeah. That could convince me to hop a jet too." He turned around and took in the room, nibbling on some of the delicacies which he wasn't too afraid to try. Chris and Joey were chatting with Brian, who looked stressed out about something. Kevin seemed to be running late, as always. Justin and Nick were having some kind of intense discussion by one of the windows, accompanied by Justin's girlfriend Larissa. "Howie, can I ask you something?" "Sure, shoot." Howie popped a sauteed mushroom creation into his mouth and looked up at the green-eyed blonde, who pursed his lips as he tried to figure out how to word his question. "There's been a lot of rumours about you guys," Lance said finally. "That you're going to split, and that things are real bad." "I can't say they've been good," Howie said sadly. "I feel pretty trapped right now. Things are a mess, nobody is in charge, our management is fucking us over, but what are the alternatives? I have financial obligations, I have a family to think about. Plus, do we really want to start another bunch of legal battles? We're supposed to go into the studio once this European tour is over and record another album. And I gotta tell you, right now I don't really see that happening." "See, that's why we've never really done the stuff apart," Lance said. "Yeah well, you guys haven't been together since 1993," Howie said with a hint of bitterness. "We did our time together, let me tell you. We had to take a break from each other." "But you can't make it work as a group anymore." "I didn't say that," Howie said, his voice rising a bit.
"Hey Dani," Brian said, tapping her on the shoulder. "Have you seen Misha?" "Oh, Clive had to talk to him about something," Dani said. "He's not here yet?" "No, he's not." Brian let out a sigh and let Leighanne fix his collar and tie. "Come on, Rok," she said, "let's sit down together and have some food." "Okay, okay," he smiled, and he followed the two women over to the banquet table. Brian took a seat next to Joey and they slapped each other on the back. "Gotta love France," Chris was saying to the general audience. "The place I went to eat lunch today was so chic, so avant garde, that the woman next to me brought her poodle in with her and let the dog crap right on the floor while we were all eating. That is France for you." "Oui oui," A.J. laughed, lifting his glass to Veronique. J.C. raised an eyebrow at him and just shook his head. At the same time, Nick and Justin stood together gazing out at the lights of Paris. The slender, curly-haired man looked elegant and unapproachable that night, while his waiflike date Larissa wore pale cream, her long spirals of deep auburn hair trailing down her back. "I'm going to go sit with the guys," she said. "See you later, Just. Bye Nick." "Bye," Nick said distractedly, turning a bit too late to catch her eye. He wore a black suit with a grey shirt underneath, setting off his deep blue eyes. His long blond hair was loose, a section of it tucked casually behind one of his ears. "Where did you meet her?" Nick asked. "Oh, we met in L.A. She's an actress." "Hmm." "Hey Nick," Justin said softly, and he moved closer, resting his hand on the small of Nick's back. "Yeah?" "I heard about what happened in New York." "How did you hear that?" "I just did." Nick's eyes swept over Justin's face before falling, his gaze resting on the floor. "Well, it wasn't such a big deal really." "Well cool," Justin said. "Glad to hear it. Come on, let's go get something to eat."
Misha sat rubbing his temples. Clive had not been amused to find out just how involved Misha had been with the gay community in New York City, and that he had been "out" on a small scale for years now. "Look, what was I supposed to say?" Misha said. "If you want me to pretend to be straight, I can pretend, but I can't take away what I've already done. This is ridiculous enough as it is." "You think it's ridiculous," Clive said. "I think your career depends on it. And Dani's." "I realise that," Misha said angrily, "I can read between the lines. But do you really think lies on top of lies are really going to work, or just make things worse when they're found out?" "I really don't need any advice from you," Clive said. "I need you to do exactly what you are told to do, when you are told to do it. I don't want to hear any second guessing, any suggestions, any complaints. You're deep in this now and I am not letting you take down the Backstreet Boys or my management company. Do you understand me?" "Yes, I understood you the first time you opened your mouth," Misha said, standing up. "You don't have to lecture me. I'm not a child." He brushed himself off. "Shall I rejoin my 'wife' at the party now?" "Do that," Clive said, "and tell Leighanne that I need to see her, immediately." Misha walked out of the office and downstairs to a waiting limo. He lay his head back on the seat as they sped through the city he'd barely had a chance to see. Is this what I walked away from my family for, Misha thought, is this what I suffered for all those years of being teased and beaten up and insulted? To go wading into the biggest pile of bullshit the world had ever seen?
"You're going to New York?" Dani asked A.J., squinting at him as they slow danced together. "I don't want anybody to know," he said. "You're the only one I'm telling." He pressed his face against hers, cheek to cheek, and she could smell the rich arouma of wine on his breath, feel the cool metal of his earring and the gentle burn of his facial hair. "I'm just confused about why," she said. "Why don't you come with me," A.J. said softly, "and then you'll find out. We'll leave directly from the show in Chartres." Dani's heart raced. All of the depression she'd felt about his seeming lack of interest in her melted in one glorious blast of warmth. "Remember, you can't tell anybody, not even Misha." "I won't," she sighed, and held A.J. more tightly as he kissed her neck, sending an aching heat through her body. At the same time, Nick caught Brian's eye at the table and he mouthed, "I'm sorry." Brian's face broke into a weary but appreciative smile. "Come on," he said, "let's go talk." The two men got up together and walked into a back room, closing the door behind them. Nick sat on an overstuffed sofa which faced a glass wall, offering a spectacular view of the city beneath them. Brian sat down beside him and they gave each other shy smiles.
Kevin and Lance sat together to go over the plans for the show in Chartres. "Well, since we're up right before you," Lance was saying, "we could do a number together at the end of our set. Or, we could come on for one of your encores." "That would probably make more sense," Kevin said. "I mean, we'll have to set up the stage after you guys are done, and it's a bit weird to come out, do a song, and then go offstage for another twenty minutes." "Okay, then let's plan on that. Now we just have to decide what song." Lance grinned at Kevin, who smirked back at him. The two had always gotten along well, since they both liked to take care of business, and Kevin found himself thinking that Lance was a pretty attractive guy up close. What, Kevin said to himself, now I'm in the market for another cheap fling? He shook his head and told himself that he was being ridiculous. Misha came in, looking a bit frantic, and found Leighanne at the table. "Clive wants to talk to me now?" she asked, alarmed. "Yes, I'm afraid so." "What about?" "He'd better tell you." "Well, all right," Leighanne sighed, "but it better be important, I was enjoying myself here." She gathered her things and left. "Brian's talking to Nick," Howie said as Misha sat beside him. "Oh." Howie studied Misha's face and handed him a glass of wine. "Here, drink this. They might be a while."
"I didn't cheat on you," Nick was saying quietly, his head resting on Brian's chest as he held him in his arms. "I should have known you were lying," Brian replied. "I don't even know why I said that, Brian." "It's okay. It's my fault really. Maybe I was looking for an excuse to break up with you." Brian slid his chin across Nick's smooth, silky head, and he shut his eyes and enjoyed their familiar closeness. "Maybe we weren't meant to be together after all," Nick said, looking up into Brian's eyes. Brian looked away; Nick's eyes were hypnotic to him and he felt himself losing control of his emotions. "I don't know, Nicky," Brian said softly, his voice shaking. "I'm sorry for everything I did," Nick said. "I wish I turned out better." "Don't start talking like that," Brian said, feeling more secure when his emotional pendulum swung toward anger. "You know that makes me mad." "Well, you fell in love with me once," Nick said tearfully, "and I changed somehow." "We both changed, Nicky." "But why? I didn't want to change. I wanted to just be with you." "Oh, Nick..." Brian sighed, and they held each other closely. Brian ruffled Nick's hair gently and they caught each other's eyes, sealing their fate. They began to kiss, their lips barely touching, just brushing, with an almost cruel softness. Their kisses became more passionate and their hands swept over each other's bodies, reclaiming their old territory. They kissed desperately, wishing the rest of the world away and out of their lives, trying to recapture something out of the past.
They broke apart when a loud knocking at the door startled them into consciousness. "Hey, what are you guys doing in there?" It was Howie, who was well aware of what they were doing in there. Brian stalked over to the door and opened it. "We're talking, D. Go away." He slammed the door again and Howie turned to Misha with a shrug. Misha had seen enough; Brian looked disheveled and his face had been flushed. "I'm out of here," he said. "Sit down, come on," Howie said, "let them talk it out." "I don't think they're just talking," Misha said. Howie didn't respond. "Damnit, Nick," Brian said edgily, lingering near the door. "What did you do that for? What were you thinking?" "You don't love me any more," Nick said weakly. "I'm with Misha now," Brian said in a defensive tone. "I have feelings for him and I'm not going to leave him for another chance with you. It feels good to be with you, at first, but Nick, we can't be together. It won't last and I can't take it any more." He was speaking loudly, almost yelling at Nick. The blonde stood up, his face contorted by anger and pain. "Don't blame me for your feelings, for wanting me," Nick said, "you should feel guilty, because I know you don't give two shits about that fuckhead Misha." "That's not true," Brian said, and Nick shoved past him and opened the door, so that they both stood in the open entrance to the main room. "Oh yeah?" Nick said. "Would it bother you if I said I've been sleeping with Kevin? He's a good fuck... Better than you." He practically spat the words in Brian's face, and everybody in the room froze. "Kev-" Brian gasped, feeling his knees go weak with shock. "Fuck you Brian," Nick said, and he turned as Howie approached. "Fuck you too, you asshole," Nick said to Howie, and he hauled off and punched him in the stomach. "What the hell!" Howie cried, clutching his body. "Bastard," Nick said shakily, almost collapsing as Lance forcibly held him up, putting an arm around Nick's shoulders and leading him away. Kevin stood there dumbly, helpless. From across the room, apart from the rest of the group, A.J. watched the scene sadly. Chris turned to Joey and J.C., who had temporarily stopped eating. "Nice party," he said.