Please don't read if you are offended by gay sex. The usual disclaimer applies.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
As the tour bus made a dinner stop at one of the McDonalds which now dotted all but the most remote areas of the country, Kevin's cell phone went off and he stepped out of line to take the call. It was Clive, and he sounded a bit frantic. "Yes, we were just stopping to get some food... We're on our way. No, I haven't. Which paper? Why, something about the show?" Kevin switched ears and glanced over at Brian and Misha, who stood together in line debating which kind of value meal to order. It had to be something between 1 and 4, since they weren't sure how to say 5 or 6 in German. "Well, what do the photos look like? Are they actually kissing each other?" A few fans came up and started yapping at him, while Kevin tried to cover his free ear to hear what Clive was saying. "Okay. Yeah, I'll tell him. Uh huh. Yep, I'll tell him that too." Kevin shut his phone off and smiled politely for the girls, signing their McDonalds napkins for them as they literally hopped up and down with excitement.
Kevin marched over to Brian when he was done, tapping him on the shoulder. "Yeah Boo, what?" Brian frowned, taken aback by the grim look on his cousin's face. "Come talk to me when you get your food. Get me a Number Five." Kevin marched out of the restaurant and Brian looked over at Misha. "What was that about?" "I don't know," Misha said worriedly. "But I guess we can hold up five fingers when we order." They got their food and got on the bus, which pulled out of the lot promptly after the second driver made a quick head count. "Why don't you join us in the back room," Kevin said. "Is that mine?" "They're all together, Kev," Brian said, "chill out." He and Misha made their way to the back of the bus, where the other three Backstreet Boys were taking up the entire couch and Dani was sitting in the only other chair. "Give me my food," Kevin said rudely, and he started picking through the bag to find his chicken sandwich. "Is somebody going to tell me what is going on?" Brian asked, exasperated. A.J. and Howie just looked at each other. Nick was staring at his food.
"I guess it has to be me," Kevin said sarcastically, "since I'm the big Daddy around here." He bit into his McChicken. "First off, Clive wants you to leave your cell phone on in the future. Second, there are photos of you and Misha in a tabloid." Brian stood there for an instant, processing this information. "What?" "You bastard," Nick said suddenly, looking up at Brian hatefully. "Nick, shut up," A.J. said, "this is not about you." "What kind of pictures?" Brian said, gasping. Dani went over to Misha, feeling that he might faint if she didn't support him. He looked ashen. "On your balcony, at the hotel in Berlin," Kevin said casually, munching on fries. "It doesn't sound like they're really, really bad," Howie said, looking around for somebody to agree with him. "I think I hear wedding bells for you and Leighanne," A.J. said, with a big smirk on his face. "Wouldn't you say, Nick?" Brian and Misha glanced at one another. Were they doing anything all that forbidden on the balcony? "Fuck, I can't believe it," Brian groaned, leaning back against the wall. "You can't come out," Kevin said quickly, "that's not an option." "I know that, Kevin," Brian said angrily. "God, don't fucking lecture me!" "Excuse me?" Kevin asked loudly, "I'm not the one showing up in tabloids with the title 'Gay Backstreet Boy Shocker'!" "I always thought it would be Nick who got caught with his drawers down," A.J. said. Nick just got up and left the room, purposely smacking into Misha on his way out. "Excuse you," Brian snarled at him. "Oh, I'm so sorry," Nick said, turning around in the hall, "please tell the asshole you're fucking that I feel really bad about invading his personal space!" "Don't talk about Misha that way!" Brian said, following Nick out into the tiny hallway. "Charming," Kevin said, taking Nick's place on the couch. "This is just fucking wonderful." "Are you okay?" Dani asked Misha worriedly. He was just frozen there, shaking his head. "I can't believe this is happening," he said.
"Don't say his name to me," Nick snarled at Brian, shoving him hard into the wall. "Don't push me, you shit!" Brian yelled, shoving him back. "Fuck you Brian, don't touch me, you liar!" "What? What have I ever lied to you about, Nick? You're the one who lied to me again and again!" "No Brian, you're the one who lied," Nick said, tears beginning to run down his face. "You never loved me." "How can you say that?" Brian yelled, beginning to cry himself. He grabbed Nick by the arm and shook him. "What kind of bullshit is that?" "Why did you leave me?" Nick said miserably, "if you love me, why did you leave me?" Everyone in the little back room tried their hardest not to listen to the two men yelling just ten feet away. "I didn't leave you!" Brian cried, shoving Nick again. "You left me! You're the one who went away..." He stopped, his voice broken by sobs. "I never left you, Brian," Nick said in a shattered voice, and he sank to the floor, crying. "You leave me every time you drink," Brian said quietly. "You leave me." Nick just cried harder and hugged his knees to his body. "I can't do it any more, Nicky," Brian said, sniffling. "And you shouldn't treat Misha that way. He saved your life in New York. You probably don't even know that, do you." "I was fucking unconscious in New York," Nick sobbed, "what the fuck are you talking about?" "He's a good person," Brian said, "and you being unconscious is not an excuse, because you know what, Nick? You've been unconscious for a long time." Brian walked unsteadily down the hall to the kitchenette, where he sank into the seat and stared resolutely out the window.
"Come on, man." A.J. knelt down beside Nick and rubbed his back. "Leave me alone, Bone," Nick sobbed, "go make fun of somebody else for a while." "I'm sorry," A.J. said. Hearing Nick's broken-hearted words touched him, as he felt all too familiar with the sensation of losing what was most precious. "Come back in and have some food, everybody else is gone." They had slipped past Nick in the hall, not wanting to look at him and make him feel even worse about doing this all in public. Dani escorted Misha to find Brian and then left the two of them alone, going to find Howie and Kevin quietly talking in the front of the bus. The rest of the bus ride was somber, as the little clustered groups talked quietly amongst themselves. They met with Clive, Lorna, Jeremy, Leighanne and a few others at the hotel in Leipzig, and although it was late at night, they sat up for a while discussing their options. The grainy images, taken with a telephoto lens, didn't show much beyond a few intimate looking hugs and two men gazing into each other's eyes, but they still had to figure out a way to wriggle out of any press inquisitions, and make sure it didn't look like they were desperate to hide something.
"I'm sorry, Misha," Brian said as they stood together inside the singer's room, by the door. "It's not your fault. We just have to hope for the best." "I'm sorry about what happened on the bus, too." Brian wriggled around, trying to get Misha to look him in the eyes. "That's not your fault either, Brian." "You shouldn't have had to hear that. I was just upset about that whole tabloid thing and I couldn't control my emotions-" "Brian, it's okay," Misha said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I know you and Nick have a lot of history and it's not easy figuring out where you guys ... how you relate to each other now." "You're a doll," Brian said, hugging him tightly. "Are you sure you don't want to sleep here?" He slid his hand around to cup Misha's butt. "I promise I won't get too frisky." "No," the photographer said with a little laugh, "I'd better not. Besides, the press could be staking out the hotel." Brian's face fell at that thought, but he quickly shook his head. "No... Come on, the whole floor is ours. But it's no big deal..." He looked up at Misha with a little smile. "Can I have a good bye kiss?" "Good night kiss," Misha said, "not good bye." He shut his eyes as he leaned down slightly to meet Brian's lips, brushing softly together and parting to allow their tongues to share a tingling caress. "Bye," Misha said quickly, smooching Brian on the forehead and stepping out. It was all he could do to keep from ripping Brian's clothes off, but he refused to let himself get swept away by his feelings. It was too dangerous; Brian and Nick were still too wrapped up with each other.
Leipzig and the next city, Munich, went by in a flash and bustle. There were multiple public appearances and Brian had Leighanne glued to his side. They kissed each other on their way into a movie theatre, and they posed for fans with their arms around one another. Leighanne sported a discreet but beautiful new ring on one finger. The subject of the Berlin pictures came up in a press conference and the five guys laughed as though it was the most hilarious thing they had ever heard of in their lives. Dani worried about Misha, but he seemed to take the posturing in stride. He told her that he was bitter about its necessity, but he had to accept it, because being with Brian was so extraordinary. He and Brian took it slow, but they spent all of their time together, sharing their memories and talking about their futures. Leighanne didn't talk much to Misha, but she seemed pleased, and she busied herself making plans to meet with a few producers in France. The group as a whole performed fairly well, although there was a certain lack of enthusiasm which seeped through at times. Destiny chatted with Dani backstage in Munich and wondered why the guys just didn't seem as into it any more. "They're probably still getting used to being back on the road together," Dani lied. She didn't seek A.J. out, although she was dying to know why he and Nick seemed to be getting along so well. It was Kevin who seemed the most affected by the tabloid photos, and Dani sought him out after the show in Munich. The guys were all partying since they had a day of sleep ahead of them on the bus to Vienna.
"Aren't you lonely?" Dani asked with a little smile. It was half-dark in Kevin's room, the other half illuminated by a swath of icy neon colour coming from the lights across the street. Dani still felt as though Kevin didn't like her very much, although admittedly he treated everybody much the same way. "Not really," Kevin said. "I just wish they'd keep it down in there." Howie was hosting some kind of party in the room next to his, and Dani was itching to go and stick her nose in and see if A.J. was there. "Come on," she said, "why don't we join them?" "I'm not that interested in partying with Howie and A.J.," Kevin said. Ah, Dani thought, Alex is there. "Well, maybe I'll just see what they're up to." "Probably getting strippers," Kevin said. "I guess you wouldn't like that too much," Dani said teasingly. He looked at her oddly and then leaned back on the couch. "Come on," she laughed, "come out of hibernation already." Kevin raised an eyebrow at her. That looked too cute, and Dani giggled at him. She reached a hand out and stood. "You're my mission for the night. Kevin must have fun." "I don't know if you and I are into the same kind of fun," he said drily. "You do have a sense of humour," Dani said gleefully. "I knew it! Now come on, let's go." They banged on the door, and an intoxicated Howie almost fell over as he opened it. "We'll keep it down, sorry," he mumbled. "No, we're coming in," Dani said, "aren't we, Kev?" "Yeah. Can't wait."
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
"Here, have a glass of water," Misha said, smirking just a bit at his friend's expense. "Thanks," Dani croaked. The trip to Vienna seemed to be the bounciest bus ride she'd ever been on in her life, and her stomach lurched in tandem with the frame of the heavy vehicle. "I can't believe I don't even remember you guys coming by." "It was pretty late," Misha said. "We decided to see what was going on just because it had been going on so long, we figured everybody was going to be doing something embarrassing." "Was I still lying in the bathroom with Nick?" "No, you were on Howie's bed with A.J." "Oh God." Misha laughed and shook his head. "That's what you get for partying with the bad boys." Dani slapped him lightly on the arm. "Hey c'mon, nothing happened. Well, I might have kissed Nick." "Ugh," Misha made a face, "just imagine where that mouth has been." Dani laughed and clutched at her stomach. "Don't," she said. "Not unless you want to be covered in bile. Did you see anything too nasty going on?" The suite had been packed with strippers and groupies. "We didn't stay very long. Brian wasn't too into seeing Nick like that." Dani narrowed her eyes at him. "Misha, he isn't over Nick." "I know," he sighed. The guys were all crashed out in the bunks and in the back room, but the two of them still kept their voices low.
"We talked about it a little when we went back to our room." "Our room." "Okay, Brian's room," Misha smiled. "He told me that he's just worried about Nick hurting himself. He told Kevin to keep an eye out for him, and you know what Kevin said?" "Kevin was pretty drunk," Dani said. "What?" "He said that if he was so worried about Nick, why didn't he just get back together with him, then Nick would feel much better." "Oh, nice," Dani sighed. "He said this right in front of you?" "Pretty much." Misha shrugged. "I know it's going to be a mess, me and Brian, but Dani, I like him so much. He's so funny, so genuine. Sweet, interesting... good in bed..." "Michael Joseph Heinemann!" Dani shrieked, slapping his arm. "You did the wild thing?" "Shhh," Misha laughed. "Not really, but sort of." "Do I want to know?" "Let's just say that it wasn't a home run, but I did get a taste of the bat." "Oh, God," Dani grimaced, "that is a horrible pun. Or metaphor. Or whatever." "Sorry," Misha giggled. "It just came off the top of my head." Dani groaned at him.
As the bus trundled across the border into Austria, the guys began to emerge from their bunks like zombies rising from the grave, staggering around and scratching their messy hair. "Hey sleepy head," Misha beamed at Brian, hugging him as the smaller guy nestled into his body. They sat together in the kitchenette. "Hungry," Brian whined. "Aww, poor baby. Okay, I'll play mommy just this once. But I like it better when you wear the apron." Brian just laughed and let his head smack down onto the table top. "Ouch! That hurt!" "Goof," Misha said, ruffling his hair. "Still hungry." "I'm preparing your food, m'lord! Just hold the royal horses." Brian rested his chin on his hands and watched Misha get some mac and cheese together for him. Everything about their relationship seemed so sweet, so uncomplicated. They hadn't even been together enough to get on each other's nerves or discover any annoying habits. Was it ever like this with Nick, Brian thought to himself. No, he realised, there was no comparison. With Nick, there had been an all-consuming passion, a need to be together, a hunger for each other's touch that seemed to be the vital force in their lives. Maybe that kind of love just isn't for me, Brian thought to himself. Maybe I can't deal with the dark side that comes attached. "Here," Misha said, offering him a spoon of the savoury food, fresh from the microwave. "Eat."
"You're alive," A.J. said, slipping into the seat next to Dani. "Basically," she smiled back. A.J.'s shades hid his expression from her, but he looked as though he'd been run over by a tractor or some other large piece of farm equipment. "Dani, I have a question for you..." "Shoot." "Do you remember what we were talking about last night, in Howie's room?" He took his sunglasses off and Dani was delighted once again by those big brown puppy-dog eyes. "Actually," she laughed, "no. Don't remember a damn thing." A.J. laughed too. "Oh good. I don't either." "We probably discovered a cure for cancer, or the secret of immortality." "Probably," A.J. smiled, scanning Dani's sweet, tired-looking face, her large, deep brown eyes and her pretty mouth. "Hey," he said, his face growing more serious, "I'm sorry I've kind of been avoiding you." Dani stared at him. "Alex, it's okay. I know things got kind of weird in Berlin." "I ... I really like you, Danielle. I've just been so psycho lately, all the stuff with the tour and Nick and ... stuff..." A.J. looked up at her pleadingly and Dani melted inside. "I like you too, you freak." A.J. laughed and leaned over to give Dani a delicate little kiss. "Let's start over, okay?" "Oh God, from the very beginning?" A.J. laughed again. "You're demented. Have I told you that yet?" "Probably last night." "Yeah, probably!"
"Howie, can I talk to you for a second?" Kevin glanced over at Nick, who was playing a video game in the back room with headphones on and ignoring them both. Howie was sprawled out staring blankly at the screen. He could consume a lot of alcohol thanks to his Irish heritage, but he still looked like death warmed over. "Yeah, what?" Nick seemed to be oblivious, but Kevin waved at Howie to get up. "Come talk to me in the hall." With much moaning and groaning, Howie followed him just outside the room. Nick discreetly turned the volume off on his CD player. "You were too fucked up last night to tell me what's going on," Kevin started in immediately, accusingly. "What?" Howie clutched at a rail for balance as the bus went over a bump. "You and A.J. seem like you've patched things up with Nick. Is that true? Are we okay to work together? I need to know what's going on." "Jeez, Kev, calm down," Howie snarled, "I don't need an inquisition right now." "Well, everybody looks to me to be in charge and get things sorted out," Kevin said, "but I'm the one in the dark here. One day you're all talking like we're going to split up, the next day you're doing drugs together." "I don't know what's going on, okay," Howie said, "but I can't deal with it right now." His cell phone rang and he opened it, wandering away from Kevin as he talked. Kevin flung his hands up in the air irritably and went in to sit beside Nick.
"Hello?" Kevin tapped Nick hard on the shoulder as the blond continued to ignore him. Nick slid his headphones off and calmly shut off the TV. "Yes, Kevin?" he asked innocently, smiling at the tall brunet. "Nick... We need to talk." "Okay Kevin. What shall we talk about?" Nick smirked. "First, you still doing drugs. That needs to stop." "Uh..." Nick smiled, half-shutting his eyes, "oh yeah, okay fine whatever." He leaned back on the couch. "I'm serious, Nick. Second, after this whole thing with Misha and Brian, we all need to be extra careful about our, uh, extracurricular activities. That relates to what goes up your ass as well as what goes up your nose." Nick just laughed. "Oh, Kevin. You're so funny." "Why do you have to act like such an asshole?" Kevin said irritably. "That's funny too. Ass. Asshole." "Nick, cut it out, okay? It wasn't funny when you were 13 and it's not funny now." Nick stuck his tongue out at Kevin. "Too bad. You can't make me." Kevin's face was turning red and he stood up, frustrated. "Nick, it's not fair for you to just- just, make fun of me like this... Do you realise that your attitude is tearing up the group? Don't you care at all about..." Kevin fumbled for words. He didn't even really know what it was he felt or what he wanted to say to Nick. "Shove it up your ass, Kevin," Nick said coldly. "You don't control me or anybody else, either. Get over it." He turned on the TV again and resumed playing his video game.
Vienna was cold and beautiful and everybody headed to a public square for a photo shoot shortly after their arrival. Dani and Misha went along to take some casual shots after being informed by Clive that they were now a "couple" and in fact, had always been a "couple." "How convenient that I'm female," Dani said. "You need to wear more skirts and dresses," Misha smirked. "Or grow some titties." "Damn you, he-whore!" Dani laughed, and they wrestled around with each other while Brian watched, bemused. A.J. had worn a frilly top in honour of Mozart, clowning around together with Howie next to a fountain. "You two look so good together," a German photographer said to Kevin and Nick, who looked at one another with mutual dislike. "Nick, will you put this on?" he said, handing Nick a thin black jacket identical to the one Kevin had on. Nick took off his wind breaker and slipped the other jacket on, and they posed standing together, encircled by the decorous architecture of the romantic city. "Closer, please. Nick, your hand on his shoulder." They leaned together for some close-up pictures and their faces brushed, Kevin's carefully maintained stubble against Nick's baby-smooth skin. Brian watched from a distance and flushed slightly, jealous of their closeness. "Hey, Bri-" Misha stopped in mid-sentence when he realised what Brian was looking at. Brian's trance was broken and he turned. "Misha, wait!"
Misha just walked, not sure where he was going, and he went into an old church at one end of the square. He had entered the main area of congregation when he realised where he was, and he looked up to see the huge vaults of the high ceiling, the decorated columns and stained glass windows, the golden crucifix and blessing face of Jesus at the far end of the church, above the altar. He turned when Brian's hand reached his shoulder. Brian was out of breath, gasping and wide-eyed, at much at the interior of the building as from his sprint across the square. "Oh my God," he said quietly, reverently, "this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life." "It is incredible," Misha agreed, "and I'm not even Christian." They sat together in a temporary pew, gazing around at the ornate meeting of art and architecture. "Are you Jewish?" Brian asked quietly, as though that were a forbidden topic in this building. "Technically, but I wasn't raised to practise anything in particular." "Sorry if I babble on about God sometimes." "Brian, it's okay. I know it means a lot to you and so ... well, I like it when you talk about God." Brian looked at Misha intently. "You are beautiful, Misha. Inside and outside." "Should we be talking like that in here," Misha said with a little laugh. "Yes," Brian said firmly, "I think we should." He gazed out at the rows and rows of chairs leading up to the hidden, sacred space at the front of the church. "I think God wants us to find love in life," Brian said quietly, and his eyes became moist with tears. "I don't know what God wants," Misha said, "but I've spent most of my life hiding from the world because I thought everybody would hate me and curse me for being gay. I finally felt as though I was free to just be who I was, but now, if I want to be with you, I have to hide again." Brian gazed at him sadly. "Things with Nick fell apart once we had to be straight," he said, "once the rest of the world's opinions became important." "I don't know if I can live a lie," Misha said as he got up. "I don't know where this relationship is even going, or if it's real or not." "Misha, the most important thing is the love between two people," Brian said softly, "and being open and honest with that other person. The rest of the world doesn't matter." Misha shook his head. "Brian, it does matter, that's the whole problem." "I'm sorry," Brian said sadly. "I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be." He stood and walked slowly out of the church, leaving Misha feeling more and more uncomfortable under the gaze of another society's God.