Changing Classes 4
An intense cloud of thoughts raced through my head as he pulled away from me. It was incredible, beyond the written word to describe the first kiss you ever got, and nothing else would ever quite touch it. It was different in some detail, like a recipe that calls for pinches of this and a dab of that so that it's next to impossible to imitate or duplicate. I lost myself in his eyes, in the spiraling hypnotic gaze and knew I could get lost there and never want for anything. I closed my eyes and relived the kiss, again and again. I was so relaxed I seemed to be floating peacefully.
"You didn't just fall asleep did you?" Drew asked.
"I feel so relaxed I could." I said truthfully.
"You know, I could be wrong," He said as he got off the couch and crossed to the TV to switch it off, and then to the fireplace, "But I don't think a kiss is supposed to make you want to go to sleep." He began to stoke the fire creating small clouds of soot and burning embers.
"Well," I said thoughtfully, "I suppose if one kissed long enough they'd be tired, spent, right?" I asked. He nodded slowly.
"But it was just one kiss." He said.
"Well, it was like a million." I said, and leaned back on the couch again. He padded across the room and sat on the end of the couch again.
"Really?" He asked timidly.
"Definitely." I replied and gave a luxuriant sigh. "Kody was a good teacher." I said.
"He was good at a lot of things." Drew said quietly. No other phrase could have set my mind pin wheeling through more possibilities than that one. Kody had taught him how to kiss, which was the most pleasurable thing I could think of to date besides, well, you know. What else could he have taught him? And did they feel as good as that? He broke my train of thought by picking up the threads of the conversation again.
"He would always talk to me, I think he was best at that. No one besides Kody would just talk to me, have a real conversation." He turned to face me, "I was the only one who knew Kody was different. Different and scared almost all the time, scared what people do to other people when they find out they're different from themselves."
"Different how?" I asked quietly.
Drew looked into the fire and a lone tear traced down his cheek, a single drop like a crystal sparkling with the hues of the firelight.
"I told you Kody was my best friend, but I didn't say he was a lot more than that. He was a really deep person, he thought all the time about people and what was inside those people's hearts. His family, their hearts were so black, I think maybe he got all the goodness the family had, you know? Like when he was made there just wasn't enough for them." He sniffled and sighed heavily before continuing. "He was always stopping by just to say hi, but I knew it was cause he wanted to make sure I wasn't sleeping in the hallway and stuff. No one stops by to say hello at ten at night, you know?" He fell silent again for a moment. "Did I ever tell you how I first met Kody?"
"No, you haven't. But I'd love to hear, he sounds really great." I said.
"Kody first made friends with me after I had gotten my ass kicked. This kid was stepping on the backs of my shoes and when I turned around to face him he punched me in the face. It was broken up just like that, but Kody was there for me later on. Lots of people made fun of me, lots but never him. They made fun of my clothes cause I couldn't afford to wear what they had. They made fun cause I had free lunch, cause I was short. Not Kody though, he just sat down with me at lunch one day and started to chatter away like we did that all the time. He talked about things I never knew about like books. He loved to read.
"He was really special, you know?" Drew sighed again and looked down at the floor, "But for all his caring ways he really had nothing to fall back on, nobody at home to give him hugs or anything.
Biggest regret is that I never even got to say goodbye to him. He did so much for me, cared so much. His folks, I told you they weren't any better than my Ma was, whatever was going on in their heads...They just couldn't get their shit together enough to be parents. Kody told me he was different one day, before he went away to the group home, and I told him I knew he was different. That he was special. He was my only friend, of course he was different! But he told me that he was different because he liked boys instead of girls." Kody chuckled at the memory, " I said, oh man this sounds so stupid." He stopped.
"Go ahead Drew, it's ok." I urged. He looked at me and I just about melted onto the floor. His eyes were huge pools and they shimmered with teary eyes.
" I said," He spoke in a whisper looking back at the dying fire, "That girls had cooties, so what was wrong with liking boys better. Didn't all boys want to be around other boys?" He shook his head, snuffled, and plunged on.
"He smiled at me and said I was so innocent it was almost funny. He said that he liked boys like girls like boys." He fell silent for a moment and I thought for a few moments that he wasn't going to continue, and then he started speaking in a low voice again, almost as if he were conspiring with the flames.
"I asked him what he meant, and that's when he kissed me. He just leaned over and wham!" He said in a voice barely above a whisper, " It was my first kiss, and I was so surprised that I didn't even have a chance to feel it, I mean really feel what was happening. I was just stunned. And he grinned at me and asked I was ok."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Sat there and looked stunned I guess, I couldn't speak. I was too busy trying to grab that feeling, to hold it for a second and just... I don't know, make it last I guess." He turned to look at me, "Kody told me he was worried about me. He said he thought maybe I got along with him so well because I was like him." His head turned back to the fire.
"And are you, do you think?" I asked quietly.
He sat still and I think I could hear his thought process trying to reach a conclusion on that very subject when the lights that had come on with the return of the power winked out again. We weren't plunged into complete darkness however as the candles still kept their vigil. We stood and went to the window and looked out into he night again. The cloud cover had intensified and the moon was no more than a hazy glow in the sky. Large snowflakes drifted by the billions and seemed to be in conspiracy to keep us inside. As we watched the wind howled and the view disappeared in a veil of white, and then appeared again clearly showing the drifting snow had piled so far up the side of the house as to have reached the windowsill. I began to worry about how long it might take for people to reach us and then thankful that there was more firewood from the trip I had made. I wouldn't want to try and make it out there now.
"It looks really pretty, doesn't it Quinn?" He said in a voice with wonder. "I've never seen so much snow before."
"It does look kinda nice, sort of like a huge quilt of snow." I replied.
We stood shoulder to shoulder till I felt him shiver and turn away from the window.
"I better start that fire again." He said.
"I'll get the wood." I replied and headed out to the kitchen.
"Quinn?" He said in a questioning tone. I turned to face him from the kitchen doorway. "Yes?"
"I don't know." He said uncertainly. I stood in confusion.
"About what?" I asked.
He looked down and replied softly. "I don't know if I'm like Kody."
I stood still for a moment and at last he turned and bent in front of the remains of the fire and began to shift the ashes to the far corners to make room for the new wood. I turned into the kitchen puzzled by his statement and my own thoughts. How would I feel if he were like Kody? How would he feel if I were like Kody? It struck me like a thunderbolt and I struggled to stay standing, finally sitting heavily in a chair for the kitchen table. It was making sense now, all of it standing out clearly. The fleeing of my chat friend on the computer earlier today, the sudden bold asking of a kiss, the emotional upheaval I was going through over Drew. I was turning into a homosexual and didn't even realize it. But I had never felt like this before, never gazed at a schoolmate, never wished to kiss one of them. Was it because Drew had been around such things? Did he exude something that was triggering this response in me? I sat puzzled and tried to straighten out my thoughts in order to understand myself. Did I even know enough about the subject in the first place? I'd heard the terms, usually in a derogatory sense, but I had no real understanding of it. I knew I wasn't going to find any answers lying on the kitchen table, so I got up to get the firewood thinking that my only source for more information right then was Drew himself. I balanced the wood in my arms and made my way back out to the room where Drew was waiting by the mantle, looking out the window at the swirling dunes of snow.
He didn't seem to hear me approaching, or if he did he made no movement to indicate he did. I laid the wood on the bricks next to the fireplace and went towards him when I was stopped by his voice.
"I tell you about the day Kody left? And why?" He said, and his voice made it obvious tears were threatening again.
"No." I answered and held my place.
"Kody got in to a fight. This guy was picking at me and picking at me, he just wouldn't let up and folks were laughing and... Kody just snapped. He really beat that kid broke his nose and three ribs. When he got in trouble the school suspended him and they wanted his mom to come and get him, but of course she couldn't answer cause they didn't have a phone. So the truant officer drove him home, and when they get there they knock on the door, right? But she doesn't come to the door for like ten minutes, and when she does she's not dressed and the house smells like pot. And there are two guys in the nude there who were partying with her. So the truant officer calls child protective in, and just like that Kody's gone." His tears were slowly leaking one by one and I once again felt as if no words could begin to mend the pain I was seeing, so I encircled him with my arms and held him from behind. He spoke again as his eyes looked in the direction of the swirling snow as it continued to drift and pile higher.
"He wrote to me once." He said in a whisper, voice thick with emotion, "He told me everything I just told you. He said he was scared and might run away. He said there was someone there that was protecting him, a friend named Aaron." He paused, "I never told anyone, except for you just now. I miss him Quinn, and I pray for him too. I don't think I believe in a God, but I pray for him anyway. Isn't that stupid?"
"No, it's not at all." I murmured. He inhaled deeply.
I held him in silence until his snuffling indicated he needed to blow his nose. He asked where the bathroom was and I sent him down the hall to the one off the kitchen. He took four steps before he realized he had no candle, then retrieved one and went out of my sight. I sat on the couch and thought again about all that he had just said. I wiped my own eyes; his words and the story of such a true friend really moved my heart. Kody really was a special person, how could I hope to live up to that standard? I settled on the couch with the blanket and listened to Drew padding back to the room. He crossed to the fire and began to speak again as he laid the bed of kindling down.
"Sorry to dump that on you, Quinn. I haven't been able to tell anyone anything since I lost contact with Kody and... Well, thanks for listening." He said sounding very hesitant and embarrassed.
"I'm really in awe of you Drew. Kody sounds like the best friend you could ever have, and I feel pretty special that you shared all that. Besides, I like to hear you talk." I said. He remained silent as he finished placing the larger pieces of wood and set the fire burning again. He watched it for a moment until he was satisfied that it was burning and then he came and sat on the couch again. His eyes remained locked on the fire as he began speaking again.
"I felt ok telling you, I felt like you'd understand. I guess maybe some people can't say what's in their hearts and minds. I know I can because that's the last lesson Kody taught me when he was taken from me. You never know so you better do it or your chance could be gone. When you invited me for dinner I was nervous, mostly cause Greta was trying so hard to light the fear of you into me. And I can admit I didn't want to look like an idiot either." He paused and looked at me. "But from the minute I got here I had this feeling like you really wanted me here. I mean, I wasn't sure at first and I asked you why and stuff, but I felt it deep down. Like I noticed you must have been wearing a tie and took it off, maybe cause I wasn't wearing one. You tried to ask things that would get me to talk instead of monopolizing the conversation. I told you I don't know if I am like Kody or not, and that's true. I love Kody and I always will. Not for his kissing and not cause of the way he looked, but for who he was and what he was to me. But I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't think about him in that way.
"But I do think about you like that. Does that make me like Kody?" He seemed to ask himself, "I don't know if it does Quinn, I really don't." He finished with his eyes resting on me. I was a little unnerved at his direct speech, and it was almost right on target with some of my own thoughts and questions. I opened my mouth and shut it again. I waited and then opened it again.
"Drew I have been... " I stopped having a hard time forming the words. Making my feeling known has never been necessary so it's very difficult for me. "I have been thinking of you often since we met and I... I don't quite know what to make of it. I am not accustomed to... Making my feelings known." I stopped and looked at him and saw he was watching me intently. I felt my cheeks flush and he smiled.
"It's ok, Quinn, go on. Please." He said hope creeping into his voice.
"I have never, never looked at a schoolmate. I have never considered the remote possibility..." I stood and began to pace in an effort to settle my nerves and thoughts. I turned on my heel to begin a fresh track across the rug when I about knocked Drew over who was standing in my path looking into my eyes intently, nay, peering into my very soul. I gathered myself and spoke to him eye to eye.
"I never considered the possibility of being attracted to another male. But I am undeniably..." I faltered. "What I meant say is you have a certain..." I stopped again. "An undeniable. Drew, I can't explain, I don't have the words to say how you have affected me. I have never felt this before, In fact," I said turning away from him, "I can't believe I am even voicing this to you." I whispered.
"Maybe we should sit." Drew said and I heard the leather sigh and squeak with his settling on the couch. Isn't that a funny sound leather makes when you sit on it? Almost as if you did something indecent? What a thought to have right now!
I moved back to the couch and Drew turned and rested his back against my chest again and I held him once more.
"I liked it earlier when you were stroking my hair, it's very comforting. You have a really neat ability to listen to people Quinn, and to make them feel better without useless, tired words." He said softly. I took that as an invitation and began to run my fingers through his hair once more and found that it calmed me as well. I marveled again at its silky feel as it slid from between my fingers almost caressing each digit.
"Drew I have never felt this way for anyone, my heart beats so fast and my palms sweat. I don't want to be a homosexual; I don't want people to dislike me. But I know I like you, and I like you like I have never liked anyone in my life. I realized that when I walked out to get the firewood and I wanted to ask you if that would make me like Kody. But you said you don't even know the answer to that, so I still don't know."
We sat in silence for a minute as I continued to stroke his hair, reveling in the texture and taking some indefinable comfort from the touch. The fire gained in strength and continued it's effort to warm the room, and it wasn't having much luck with the high ceilings. It crackled and popped in the background of my thoughts. I was wondering a million and one things, like what was he thinking? Would anything at all come of this? I felt secure enough that this would not be his only visit here and that I would see him again at least. Again I wondered how I could ever measure up to Kody and all that he had done for Drew. Maybe I didn't have to though; maybe just being myself would be enough for him. I wondered what had become of Kody, hoping that he was all right. From the closed doors of the library I heard the grandfather clock chime two in the morning and yawned. Drew stirred and sat up stretching.
"Would you make some more hot chocolate?" He asked in a really cute sleepy voice. I said I would and felt somewhat sorry to lose the closeness of him, but at least now I understood why. I headed to the kitchen realizing I had been taught something great this evening by some one I would never have thought could teach me something. He taught me who I was, and not only that but if I ever forgot again I now knew how to look at myself and see again. Very strange for me, really reshaped the thought process. As I stood at the stove I felt him standing in the doorway mere seconds before he spoke.
"You don't know how to cook but you can make hot chocolate on the stove?" He stated.
"Miss Greta taught me when I was little." I replied, "She used to spend a lot of time tending to me when I was smaller."
"Kind of like a mom, huh?"
"A little I guess, if only because she spent that portion of my life with me. She never held me or soothed my hurts or anything." I replied as I turned on the gas burner. And went to the porch to get the milk.
"Still it's kind of neat, I don't know how to do it." He said.
"You?" I asked, "I thought you knew everything!" I said teasingly.
"Nope, just the important stuff." He replied with a smile. He walked to the window at the back of the kitchen and looked out behind the house. The shed with the wood was gone, buried in a huge drift of snow. The backyard looked like a huge sheet of vanilla icing for a Guinness sized cake. I brought the steaming cup to him and he gratefully accepted it, warming his hands on the sides.
"You would have been warmer if you had waited by the fire, silly." I said.
"I wanted to be where you were." He said simply. I felt embarrassed for a moment at his forward comment, but it was said with no mocking tone, just simple honesty.
"Shall I get some blankets for our camp out on the floor?" I asked. He nodded.
"I'll help you." And with that we walked back to the fire and set our mugs on the table before starting back up the stairs. I held the candle aloft as we reached the landing to shed light on the hallway. We continued down the hall until we reached the end, where the linen closet was. I must have moved the candle too quickly in setting it down because it went out and we were plunged into semi-darkness. I felt Drew standing close to me, just a shadow in the hallway. His hands reached out tentatively and once they came into contact with me he drew me to him in an embrace. I hugged him back feeling the warmth he radiated and the soft feel of his cheek on mine. We stood in that intertwined position, he needing comfort and I there to supply it for an amount of time that was surely not long enough. I felt his cheek move away from mine and I started to release him from the embrace when I felt his breath near my face again and realized just in time what was happening. I felt his lips close on mine again and this time I was ready, holding him close to me and feeling like the world was mine in that moment. The kiss broke and then I felt it return but with the oddest thing in the world, it felt as though his tongue were on my lips! What was I supposed to do? I felt a slight pressure between my lips and so I parted them and he moved in closer to me and his tongue slowly moved into my mouth, unhurriedly moving over my own tongue and then he slowly moved back, taking my lower lip into his mouth for just a moment before releasing me.
"Quinn?" He said slowly.
"Yes?" I said.
"Breathe, you've stopped."
I gave a nervous laugh and he did as well.
"Did Kody teach you that as well?" I asked.
"Yeah, but it was more fun with you." He said and I swear I could see his cheeks burning in the darkness like Rudolph's nose on Christmas. He shivered and I reluctantly let him go as I opened the closet and removed blankets to take downstairs. I felt slightly mischievous taking these to the floor, as that surely would have given my parents a heart attack. I headed over to my room with Drew in tow and retrieved the pillows off the bed, which Drew took as I really couldn't manage it all. The candle was left behind as we couldn't carry it now anyway, and besides it was out. We went back downstairs slowly, giggling as we bumped and fooled about on the way down the stairs. I had never felt so alive I don't think. We set the blankets on the couch and sat on the floor in front of the table with our mugs of chocolate. As we drank he, well ok, we kept looking at each other and giggling for no reason. It was like those rare moments when someone says something funny and you can't stop laughing, just like that we started to laugh each time we looked at each other the giggles started afresh. I just wanted to know one thing.
What was so damned funny?
When the chocolate was done and the last of the giggles worked out we spread the blankets on the floor and as I reached for the pillows Drew added some of the wood to the fire and stoked it one last time. He came to the makeshift bed and climbed in. I too got beneath the blankets and lay on my back, as the floor was too hard for sleeping on your side.
"I'm cold." Drew said.
"Do you want me to get another blanket?" I asked.
"No." He said and rolled over laying his head on the hollow between my shoulder and my upper chest and draping his arm across my stomach. "Now I'm fine."
Outside the wind howled and the snow continued to dance and spin on the currents of air, riding like miniature daredevils. The fire popped and crackled and the sounds of the house settling could be heard. That and the gentle, steady rhythm of his breathing as he drifted into sleep. I had never felt so content and that was the last thought I had as I too surrendered to sleep.