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Other stories by me on Nifty:
"Around My Way"- March 11
"I Hate Anthony"- March 28
"The Handsome Jewish Young Man"- March 17
All stories by me can currently be found simultaneously in the high school and interracial sections
"CHASE AFTER ME"
By Maddy A.
CHAPTER TWO: THINGS YOU CAN'T TELL
I was in love with him, there was no denying it. Chase Jameson O'Leary was the most wonderful thing in my life. I didn't know what I'd do without him. As close as we were, I had my secrets that I kept from him. He could never know about all the hell that my father put me through. On the surface, my father was a loving man. He had everyone fooled even Chase. I could never tell him about the monstrous things that bastard has done to me. The animalistic things that I have seen him do to other people. Chase could never know about that. He would probably hate me too. I know he would just think that I was weak and stupid for letting him do all those horrible things to me and he would be right. I am weak and I am stupid! I deserve it all! As much as it hurts me inside not being able to tell Chase just how deep my love for him ran, it was for the best that he never know. I could imagine the look of disgust and hatred that would exude from his face if he knew that his best friend was just some faggot! Some stupid fucking faggot who was in love with him. He had always been a laid back kind of guy and has never said an ill word about anyone, yet I knew that he would hate me if he knew the truths about me...I just knew it.
Chase and I had been best friends since the fourth grade. I remember him walking into class on that cool spring afternoon. He stood there looking timid and shy as the teacher introduced him. He had just moved in from out of state because his father's job had transferred him to New Jersey and it was easy to tell that he didn`t want to be here. He was wearing a bright red polo t-shirt and loose jeans. He was shorter than me and he was on the chubby side, but that only made him cuter. His hair was a mop of light blonde curls and his eyes were a deep hazel color that he would describe as ordinary brown, but they were beyond the that. They were two windows that I lost myself in. Our teacher assigned him the seat next to mine and as he sat down, butterflies began to dance in my stomach. My face flushed and I become nervous. I didn't know what the feelings I had inside meant, but I did know I wanted to be his friend. I didn't talk to him that first day, but I did the next. He had made friends with my best friend at the time Billy Randall, who introduced us. I remember thinking that Chase's smile was cute and that bothered me. No one yet had told me all about the birds and the bees, but I knew that I wasn' t suppose to feel that way about another boy. I can't remember what we talked about, but by the end of the day we had become friends. A week later he would become my best friend. He was Irish by way of Canada and sometimes when he was angry his words would come out in mixtures of Ah's and Oh's when it shouldn't have. That only added to his appeal. God! I was so in love with him.
Now I was seventeen and he was eighteen. He was the one who was taller. He was about six feet two to my five feet ten inch frame. He was a little over two-hundred pounds, but it mostly muscle. His face a certain places on his body still held that baby fat from his youth and gave him a cherubic appearance. The years of playing the position of Quarterback and Point Guard had done his body justice. I guess you could say that I was in shape , but I thought that I was too skinny. Chase, unlike me, just looked strong, but the goofy grin he seemed to always have on his face made him friendly and approachable. He was all of those things and more. He still had that mop of curly blonde hair tousled on his head, only know it was a few shades darker and fell down to his neck. It was shorter in the front and swept across his eyes enticingly. He had these dark pink full lips that I wish I could just kiss, but I knew I never could.
I heard his heavy foot steps climbing down the stairs and towards my bedroom ...NO!! HE'S COMING AGAIN!! I screamed inside of my head. I couldn't move my legs. The footsteps stopped and a light knocking came at the door. NO!! WHAT SHOULD I DO? RUN INTO THE BATHROOM? NO! GO OUT THE WINDOW???!?!? NO!! THAT WOULD JUST MAKE HIM MAD! DON'T GET HIM MAD...NEVER MAKE HIM MAD...! My thoughts were broken again when I heard the knocking get louder and more aggressive.
"Louis the phone." His voice said through the closed door. My shoulders relaxed when I realized that my father hadn't come down to hit me again. I knew better than to mistake the softness of his words for actual kindness. I knew that beneath his calm tone laid the hardness of a man eager to show me how difficult he could make my life. As I opened the door to retrieve the phone the look on his face only reassured my assumptions. He shoved the phone in my hands and I staggered back a little, recoiling out of instinct. He looked down at me with disdain and stalked off, his heavy footsteps pounding up the stairs.
"Hello?" I asked trying to sound normal. I hoped that the pain that I felt inside was hidden.
"Hey dude! Wuz up?" My heartbeats began to race and my stomach fluttered as it always did whenever I heard his voice. "HELLOO?" the voice inquisitively repeated, dragging out the word.
"Uh, hey Chase. Wuz up man?" I replied. I loved talking to him. His voice was so deep and intense that it was soothing.
"Nothing, you just spaced on me, you cool?" He asked with concern. It was just like him to worry about a friend. He was so caring and compassionate when it came to the people he knew. How could anyone not love him.
"Yeah dude, I'm fine. Just thinking about some stuff." I knew that I sounded distant, but I tried to put a little cheer in my voice.
"What?" He asked. He always could tell when something was bothering me.
"Huh?"
"What are you thinking about?" Chase's voice was heavy with curiosity. I couldn't tell him that I was thinking about him, that wouldn't be wise. Again the lies came out, it was second nature for me. A defense mechanism that wouldn't be turned off no matter how much I wanted it to.
"Nothing important." I said, but one thing about Chase is he could never just except an answer. He was a smart guy an always had to ask questions.
"What is it? You've been spacing on me a lot lately. Everything cool?" He was right I had been spacing on him. It was Spring, the time of year when she left me. Whenever I would think of her all of these intense feelings would run through my body. I would start to question everything around me. What was real and what wasn't. What I could say and what I couldn't. My father made sure that I wouldn't slip up. But, I knew what happened, what really happened. He tried to make me believe all of his lies and there was a time when he actually had me convinced that I was the one who was wrong. Like I was the one who was mistaken. In a life that was full of secrets the only thing that I knew was true for sure was Chase. I was beginning to fall more and more in love with him as time went on. Lately when ever I would be around him I would get nervous and uncomfortable. It was like I was aware of everything that I did and I had to watch myself. It took all the self control I could muster not to just blurt out that I loved him.
"Nothing dude. Drop it." I spoke to him calmly, but my voice wavered slightly.
"Naw dude, you can tell me what's wrong. You know I am the BEST at giving advice." He laughed at his own joke because we both knew that giving advice was not one of his best attributes.
"Forget it man, its' nothing. Now what the hell did you call me for?" I playfully asked. We had this thing that we did where we get rude with each other and try to sound as mean as possible until one of us cracks and starts to laugh. Sometimes when we would do this, I would get hurt by some of the things that he would say. I knew that it was just how the game was played and he never meant any of the things that he said, but it was just that sometimes it would feel too real.
"Okay, fuck face! If you wanna be a little BITCH about it, it's dropped."
He laughed and paused briefly before continuing. "Anyway, I wanted to talk about spring break bitch! What the fuck are we going to do?" He asked with a false irritated tone in his voice.
"Spring Break? When is that again?" WOW! I really was spacing out. Spring Break had completely slipped my mind and it was only two weeks away. I have got to get a grip on things.
"Okay for real now, what's wrong. I KNOW something is going on if your forgetting the last high school vacation that we`re ever going to have. Spill it!" He demanded.
"There's nothing to spill, I just forgot is all!" It hurt me to lie to him, but that was easier than the truth. Getting angry was the easiest solution, hopefully that would make him back off.
"Oh, there isn't huh? Then why get so defensive if everything is so good? And how could you forget about spring break? IT`S SPRING BREAK!"
"No, it just slipped my mind." That was the truth. Graduation was just approaching and I was getting closer and closer to being free of my father. I just had to make it a few more months before I would be five hundred miles away from that asshole.
"BULLSHIT! Mac baist you're my best friend you can talk to me". I loved it when he called me that nick name. His mother liked to use old sayings from Ireland even though she never lived there. She use to call me her unofficial "god son" hence the nickname `Mac baist'.
"Chase dude, I know you my boy and shit and I can tell you almost anyth-"
"NO, not ALMOST anything BUT ANYTHING!" He exclaimed, stretching out the words to make his point.
"I know...but I'm not...I just don't know...ergg! Just not right now, okay?"
I was so close to slipping up and that frustrated me. It was like I had the words on the tips of my tongue just waiting to come out before my brain started to work. Chase must have known that he was striking a nerve and that he should let it go because a moment of awkward silence passed before he spoke again.
"Sooo, Umm...What do you want to do for vacation?" He asked, changing the subject.
"I don't know? Wanna get the crew together and head to the shore?" Every spring and summer was always spent at the Jersey shore. The water was kind of dirty, but no one went to the Jersey shore to swim. It was for hooking up and Chase loved to run after all the girls. I would stand back and pretend like I was doing the same thing when really inside it would be killing me to see him flirt with them.
"That's cool, but you know its gonna be cold as shit out there and I ain't swimming in that rank ass ocean. But, me and you should hang too...you know just us. We ain't chill like that in a hot minute. WAIT...that sounded mad Gay! Don`t take it that way hehehe." He started to laugh at his joke and my heart broke as I pretended to laugh along with him. I had to, I couldn't let him know why it hurt so bad to hear him say those words.
"I didn't jerk-off!" I yelled out playfully. My ability to cover up my true emotions sometimes amazed me.
"I was just checking, but you know I don't get down with that gay shit anyway..." He replied and I didn't immediately respond. I already knew that he wasn't like me, but I didn't want to hear him say it. Hearing those words were just a confirmation that I could have done without. Even though he said it in jest, I couldn't help the heaviness that I felt in my heart. I needed a moment to gather my thoughts.
"HELLOOO...Louis? You still there?"
"Yeah, I'm here." I responded quietly. I just needed to try a little harder to not let the truth come out and get in the way of things. My father was right, I was a failure. Nothing I did was right, NOTHING! I couldn't even lie right! What the hell was wrong with me? Everything!
"You got all quiet and shit, I thought you hung up on me."
"Nah, I'm just chilling. Listen man, I'll holla at you lada." I needed to go be alone with my thoughts. I started to hang up when his anxious loud voice boomed in my ear.
"WAIT! I mean, where you going so fast, we just got on the phone."
"I gotta go with my Dad to pick up my Mom from the airport, so I gotta go."
"Do you think you can come over and chill later?" He asked. It was pretty much an unspoken rule that we always would hang out on Friday nights with the exception if one of us had a date. I did my fare share of dating to please my father, but it was Chase who truly enjoyed it.
"Yeah, I'll try. What time?
"How's 8:30?
"Cool, see you later then." I replied.
"Okay, it's a date. Bye!." He hung up the phone as I held mine in my hand. I was in a state of confusion. Date? Why did he have to say date? I was being stupid , but a thrill ran through my body as that word escaped his mouth. I don't know why I torture myself with my mindless fantasies of something that could never be.
The ride to the airport was quiet as were all of the times spent alone with my father. I was made to sit in the back like always. He said I didn't deserve to ride up in the front. I wasn't a man yet and didn't deserve any privileges. It was just a front seat, but in represented so much more for me. It was another example of the hate that he held for me. I wasn't worthy of a stupid front seat and I wasn't worthy of his love. I tried not to love him, but I would have loved to be loved by him. The only time he spoke to me was when he was putting me down or humiliating me. He gave me the usual speech about not running my mouth off to my mother and I knew what he meant. Like she would have believed me anyway.
My mom looked beautiful as she always did. Her skin was a dark brown and she kept her thick, dark hair curly and long passing her shoulders. She was a thick bodied woman and an inch shorter than my father who was just under six feet tall. She greeted me with a hug and a kiss to the forehead. Those were the times when I forgot about the hell that was my life. Even though I sometimes felt that she must have hated me just as much as he did, it didn't always feel that way. She could be so good at pretending to love me that it felt real. That was the problem, I never knew what was real and what wasn't.
The sight of my parents lovingly embracing each other repulsed me. How could she love him? How could anybody love a monster like him? Why was he loved so much and I wasn't at all. Maybe it was all superficial. My father may have been a bastard, but he was a handsome one. He strong set jaw line and dazzling smile wowed many. I wouldn't be surprised if he even had another woman or two on the side. His nose was slightly upturned giving him a youthful appearance, the only thing from him that made us look even close to being related.
My father put on his "good dad" act around my Mom and it amazed me every time that she bought it. Couldn't she see the tightness of my smiles around him or the tensing of my body? Did she not see the same reactions is him?
Mom was in the mood for sea food so we stopped at Red Lobster. The conversation with my mother was lively as it always was. There were times when she could be the funniest person that I knew. Her loving nature only added to the confusion I had inside of me wondering if she truly loved me or if it was just an act. No, it felt too real to be fake, she had to love me, she just had to. I talked about the usual stuff about school and how my driving lessons were going. I did find out that Mom wouldn't have to be making anymore trips until the end of the month. That would mean she would be home for close to three weeks and that meant three weeks of freedom from my father's fists.
Mom wanted to do something fun as a family and suggested that we go camping in the Pocono Mountains. Dad hated camping, but that was something that my mother and I enjoyed. I was about to happily accept, but one glare from my father hidden from my mother warned me that I'd better not.
"Naw Mom. Next week is spring break and I`m going to hang with the boys. I 'll stay home why you and Dad go." I told her and she frowned.
"Louis baby, we don't spend enough time together anymore. Your getting so old and soon your going to be leaving for college. My little boy is becoming a man now and I know I have to let go you go, I just which you could stay ten forever. You sure you don't want to come?" My mother seemed truly saddened by the fact that I was growing up. I was touched by her words, but I still knew I couldn't give her what she wanted. She smiled warmly at me and I was tempted to agree to go camping when my father intervened.
"Claire, Louis is a big boy. Let him go and have some fun with his friends.
He has to grow up sooner or later. Besides, show me a teenager who wants to hang out with his parents and I will show you one disturbed child." My father flashed one of his dazzling broad smiles showing perfectly white and capped teeth. My mother returned his smile and I pretended to laugh along with them.
"You're right Tim. I just wanted us all to be together. It seems like we' re drifting apart." She replied and started to play with the shrimp on her plate. That comment seemed to be directed more towards my father than to me and I don't think that fact was lost on him either. He reached across the table and began to gingerly rub her hand easing away her worry.
"I love you and you love me. We're fine baby and Louis and I are as close as a father and son can be." I wanted to throw up at my father's words. He looked over at me expectantly, waiting for my confirmation. I smiled and nodded, pretending like I always do. He went on and on with false stories of us bonding and being loving towards each other. He had the audacity to lie to my mother's face and tell her that I go to him with my problems. If I even tried talking to him about anything that I was going through, he would kill me. No doubts about it, I would be dead. I can see it now , I walk up to him and say " Hey Dad, I have a problem. I have this gay thing and I'm in love with my male best friend." Flash forward to me getting my face bashed in and him pissing on my head stone. He went on with his lies. He told my mother how he loved going to all of my football and basketball games. He loved to go all right, but only to demean me afterwards. Around all of the other parents he played to role of supportive father so well, that everyone was fooled.
But, the minute we were alone I would always get knocked upside my head and
berated with how off my game had been that day even if it wasn't. That was how he showed me he loved me, with his hands and his feet and his shoes and his belts and his words and his anger and his lies!
"You and your father really must get along, don't you." My mother asked with a sad, hesitant smile on her face. It was like she believed him as much as I did. Before I could answer, my father put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it roughly. To anyone watching it would have looked like a loving gesture from a father to son, but I knew that the only thing present in his touch was maliciousness. He forced a smile on his face to let me know that I'd better give her the answer that he wanted to hear.
"Yeah Mom! We are." I could day no more than that.
The ride home uneventful. When I asked him to drop me off at Chase's house he immediate said no, but my mother told him to. Much to my father's dismay my mother made me ride up in the front seat. She said that she was tired and wanted to lay out in the back seat. A smile slipped across my face when I thought of how miserable he was having me ride next to him. It was a small victory, but it was mine. I put my face in my hands to hide the smile, but I knew he saw it anyway. Mom was home now so I didn't care....
TO BE CONTINUED
(c) 2005 Madison Aysha Dante
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