Chris

Brian absently studied his reflection in the window overlooking the lush landscaping of the hotel. His fair skin made his dark hair appear even darker. His grey eyes looked back from beneath a slight frown which in recent months seemed to have become a permanent feature. The frown was at odds with the rosy hint to his cheeks and lips. He hated the frown. He had always been a happy person. Even as a teenager, he never went through the 'growing pains,' his brother or sister had. At least the dark circles were gone from beneath his eyes, though his dark hair tended to highlight his pale complexion. He heaved a sigh and thrust his hands into the deep pockets of his shorts, looking at his slender reflection for a moment longer and then out to the surroundings which were intended to give the impression of being in a tropical paradise instead of a barren desert.

He stood in the lobby of one of the most exciting hotels in one of the most vibrant cities in the country, and he could still not break out of his funk. He had tried, but nothing seemed to work. The exotic sights, and even the laughter and excitement of those around him failed to lift his mood. He hated being alone. He looked around and realized he was one of the few people who was alone. Earlier in the day, he had wandered through the gardens, sat by the pool, and had even body surfed in the huge man-made lake, all in an attempt to overcome his pain. Now, he stood in the lobby, slightly sunburned and at a loss as to what he should do, not only in the next few minutes, but with the rest of his life. Nothing interested him any longer.

He came here thinking he might be able to recapture some of the excitement he felt the first time he and Eric stepped through the doors of the Mandalay and had been transported into a different world. He had been here for three days and was finally reconciled to the fact that he was not going to be able to recapture what he and Eric experienced, no matter how hard he tried.

He looked at the polished marble mosaic floors stretching across the whole of the large room, the intricate carvings on the walls, and at all the people who seemed as excited as he remembered being the first time he stayed here.

One of the brilliantly colored caged parrots held in a large ornate cage in the center of the lobby made a raucous sound which echoed in the vast space. Only the few children in the room showed any interest. To everyone else the call was merely an exclamation point to the general background din of the nearby slot machines. He knew how the bird felt, sitting all alone in the cage. No matter how big the enclosure, it was still a cage.

'Maybe he's lonely too,' he thought as he turned back to the huge windows overlooking the human-made jungle hiding the wave pool and swimming pools. People passed below him, through an avenue of sculpted elephants, each playfully sitting on their haunches with their trunks held high, spraying a fine mist over the walkway to cool the furnace-like desert air. Everyone below seemed to be laughing, creating a frenetic atmosphere full of motion, colorful beach towels, and bare skin.

It was the same when Eric dragged him away from work to spend a week in this city-wide world of make believe. Nothing was what it seemed. Elephants spouting a cooling mist, a fake Egyptian pyramid, a castle, or any one of a number of European vacation destinations, all homogenized and coughed-up along a narrow road in the desert. He and Eric had strolled wide-eyed up and down the Strip, joining thousands of others who were all seeking excitement, riches, or . . . an escape.

The two of them hadn't been seeking riches, though excitement was high on their list. It hadn't really mattered where they were, as long as they were together, life was good. As always, Eric had been right when he insisted they had to escape their day-to-day world and spend time together.

"We've begun to take each other for granted," he complained when he held the plane tickets in front of Brian's face and gave them a gentle shake. "Both of us spend so much time working, we no longer have time to sit back and relax." Brian remembered giving his partner a skeptical look. He wanted to be with his partner, but . . . a vacation? A whole week away from responsibilities?

"Look Bri," Eric had said in his best cajoling mood. "Whether you admit it or not, we need a few days to unwind. All we ever think about is work." He laid the tickets on the dining table and stood close to Brian, holding him in a loose embrace and looking into his eyes.

"I love you, Bri. I don't see enough of you. If slot machines and fanciful buildings aren't your thing, let's spend the entire vacation in our room." He kissed the tip of Brian's nose and gave him an encouraging smile. "I want to lie in your arms and be close to you while you softly snore." He grinned when Brian looked as if he might complain about being told he snored. Brian knew for a fact he didn't snore. It was all in Eric's imagination. "I want to laugh with you, and have wild sex with you for an entire week. I want to taste you, and smell you, and feel you inside me." He thrust himself against Brian with a sensuous movement of his hips.

Brian remembered smiling and pushing himself against Eric, feeling his partner's erection press against his own. It didn't matter that each were hidden behind layers of clothing, the feeling he experienced was electric.

A few weeks later they had come to this city and stayed in this very hotel. Brian grinned, a sad expression when combined with the wistful look of his eyes. Eric would have told him he should be eating more. He would have coaxed him to go to some wonderful restaurants and sample exotic food. Eric would have made the most simple things fun, just as he had the last time they visited.

Brian sat on one of the stone benches next to the window facing the mist shrouded elephants and sighed. Eric wasn't here to coax him or to hold him . . . or to make a face whenever he tried to tell a joke. He'd never hear Eric laugh again, or feel comforted in his embrace. He'd never feel Eric's breath as he snuggled close at night and rested an arm across his chest.

Brian opened his mouth and took a ragged breath, willing himself not to cry. For six years, Eric had been his life . . . and then he . . . died. Brian felt the familiar rage well up inside him.

'How dare he leave me alone,' he thought, knowing as the complaint formed he was being totally unreasonable. Eric had no control over how his life turned out, yet Brian found himself blaming Eric for abandoning him. 'There was so much I never said, so many things I wanted to do.' Brian took another gasping breath. The lobby, filled with people, had ceased to exist. He was lost in his memories.

He recalled the last day . . . when Eric grinned at him and fumbled as he tried to reach out and hold his hand. "I'm sorry, Bri." The words weren't much more than a whisper. He remembered Eric's once-sparkling green eyes trying to focus as he looked up from the hospital bed. Brian leaned close while his tears fell on the sheet draping over his lover's chest. Eric had slowly reached up and wiped his fingers over Brian's wet cheek. "Don't cry, lover." He had lowered his hand and rested it on his chest, trying to raise his head when he felt Brian's tears land on his hand.

Brian remembered watching Eric make a feeble attempt to grin once more. "Don't cry, Bri," he whispered. Brian had leaned close to hear the words. "I'm . . . sorry." Then the feather-like touch of Eric's breath on his cheek had stopped, and he had spent every moment since, mourning the man he loved, regretting that he hadn't told Eric how much he meant to him more often. He remembered all the little things he wished he had done differently, berating himself for not loving Eric enough.

Brian sniffed and stood, turning toward the spouting elephants once again. He couldn't help but grin at people who were still wet from the pool scamper through the pachyderm gauntlet of light mist, seemingly afraid of getting wet. He chuckled as he watched an impeccably dressed woman in a sleek black evening gown approach the elephants and turn toward her companion to say something. She seemed to shake her head in exasperation before she hiked up the hem of her dress, removed her high heel shoes, and make a mad dash through the mist, trailed by the applause of many people wearing swim suits who stood aside to watch her pass. The man she was with seemed unwilling to get his black suit wet. He held his arms out to his side in a sign of helplessness. His lady-friend was motioning him on from a spot beyond the elephants, urging him to be daring. Some of the swimsuit-clad onlookers were urging him on as well. Brian laughed when the man shook his head in resignation and ran. People stepped aside as he jogged past, cheered on by his lady-friend who was now jumping up and down in excitement at the uncharacteristic behavior of her companion.

"Excuse me." The voice behind him was vaguely familiar. "Brian?" He looked over his shoulder and then turned to face a man he couldn't place, but was sure he knew. They studied one another for a moment before either spoke.

"Brian?" The shorter man was wearing the beginnings of a smile. "Chris Loughlin," he said, smiling a greeting at the same time he held out his hand. "I used to live next door to you in the dorms."

"Now I remember you!" Brian grasped the man's hand and smiled, the tight feeling in his chest dissipating with the warm touch and bright smile before him. "The glasses are a new addition." Chris nodded and held onto Brian's hand a second longer than was absolutely necessary.

Brian studied the slender man standing before him. The few years since graduation hadn't changed him much. He still wore his light brown hair cut short, and still had the same ready smile that crinkled the corners of his brown eyes. The light sprinkling of pale freckles still could be seen on his slightly turned-up nose, making him look younger than he was. Brian smiled, and wondered at the sudden shift in his mood. In the space of only a couple minutes, he felt as if a fog had lifted.

He had spent weeks with nothing to say. Now, as he faced his handsome friend, he suddenly wanted to talk. "I could sometimes hear you laughing through the wall between our rooms. I never figured out whether I could hear you because you laughed really loud, or if it was because the walls were really thin. I was amazed at your constant good cheer." He paused a moment. "My roommate always used to whistle when he'd see you walking to the showers." Brian found he enjoyed the pink flush on Chris' cheeks as well as his wide smile.

"I remember." Chris shook his head at the memory. "The guy couldn't whistle worth a damn."

"He liked your legs." Brian laughed as the blush deepened. "He always complained about that towel you wrapped around your waist, wondering why you were attempting to be so modest while everyone else paraded around in the nude." Brian stepped back and examined the shorts-clad man in front of him.

"Yep, you're definitely Chris Loughlin." He winked, wondering at his shift in mood. "I'd recognize those legs anywhere. Shorts were invented for people like you." Chris looked down at his legs as if he were trying to figure out why someone thought they were special. Brian burst out laughing at the expression Chris was wearing. The two men had never been more than casual acquaintances while in college, but it was certainly nice to see a friendly face, and to laugh. . . . It had been such a long time. He remembered thinking Chris was cute, but at the time he only had eyes for Eric. He knew Chris had liked him, though he had never told him so, himself.

Apparently, he would keep his roommate awake talking about, "Brian, the guy next door." He remembered laughing when Chris's exasperated roommate knocked on his door one evening and urged Brian to, "go ahead and fuck him," meaning Chris. "Maybe then he'll stop carrying on and I can get some sleep." Brian had laughed and had rested his arm over Eric's shoulders, shaking his head.

"Nope," he remembered answering. "I'm already spoken for." Chris's roommate sighed and shook his head.

"Have you thought that maybe Chris would like the way Brian fucks?" Eric chimed in. "I know I do." Brian had playfully elbowed him in the side, embarrassed and pleased at the same time.

Chris' roommate shrugged. "Maybe I can apply for a new roommate, or tape his mouth shut or something," he muttered as he trudged back to his room. "You have no idea how much this guy can talk!" He shook his head and went back inside his room.

"What brings you to town, Brian?" Chris moved slightly closer, trying to stay out of the way of the constant stream of people passing by. "Business or vacation?"

"Vacation, I guess. You?"

"Business." Chris made a slight face. "But, the convention's over and I decided to spend a few days of my vacation and check out the sights." He looked around with his big brown eyes. "I can't believe this place! When I think I've seen everything, along comes something even more outrageous." He spoke with a confidential tone to his voice. "A poor country boy like me doesn't know what to make of people who dress like that." He nodded towards a scantily clad cocktail waitresses. "I don't know anyone back in Nebraska who looks like that!" He laughed, shifting his gaze between the cocktail waitress and Brian. "They'd either be freezing or sweating." He glanced back to the woman who was reaching into the parrot's cage. "I bet she doesn't sweat." Brian snickered as Chris once again glanced over his shoulder. If she wasn't sweating, she'd be freezing. Somehow a heavy winter coat, wool scarf, and big black rubber boots, seem out of place when you're wearing feathers."

He looked at Brian with an ingenuous expression and blinked his beautiful eyes. "Feathers don't provide much warmth, ya know." He thought a moment. "I guess they're okay for ducks though. They don't seem to mind the cold." He shrugged and smiled, showing his perfect teeth before he joined Brian's laughter.

"Wonderful, I got you to laugh! A sad face doesn't seem right on you, Brian. I remember a guy who was always smiling. You look much better smiling than wearing a frown."

He looked around for a moment, as if searching for something. "If you have a few minutes, would you like to join me for a drink? There has got to be somewhere around here where we can sit down and talk." He looked at Brian with a hopeful expression. "I'd enjoy visiting with you, catching up on what's been happening, and stuff." He hesitated when he saw Brian's smile falter. "But . . . if you'd rather not, I'd understand." He appeared ready to turn away, wearing a crestfallen expression.

"Chris, wait." Brian reached out and lightly rested his hand on Chris's shoulder. "I'd love to have a drink. I've just had some stuff happen recently that I'm constantly being reminded off." He grinned a crooked smile. "You lead the way and I'll buy."

Chris regained his smile. "Then, dinner's on me!"

The two men walked side-by-side across the large hotel lobby, stopping a moment to visit with the cocktail waitress who had taken the parrot out of the ornate cage and was showing it to onlookers and posing for photographs.

"Ya think she has to glue those feathers on?" Chris glanced over his shoulder once as they walked away. "I wonder what her mother thinks about her dressing like that . . . in public." Brian laughed as they approached one of the hotel's lounges.

"What? Do you think her mother would think dressing in feathers is okay if she wore them in private?" Chris looked over his shoulder and grinned at Brian as they were being led to a small table overlooking a fountain and a jungle's worth of greenery. His mischievous smile hinted at wonderful stories to tell.

"Sure, but who wants to dress in feathers at home? They're really for special occasions."

"You sound like an authority on feather attire." Brian was falling under the playful spell of Chris's personality.

"I'm not an authority. Feathers don't suit me." He grinned his thanks at the person who took their orders. "I tried 'em once," he said in perfect seriousness. "I had more to cover than the lady in the lobby though." He seemed to squirm slightly. "Except for up top. She's got lots more up there." He covered his chest with both hands and smiled brightly as his eyes twinkled.

"Seriously?" He couldn't imagine Chris wearing feathers. "You wore feathers?" Chris nodded once again.

"I went to a party, and for some reason I decided I'd be daring and glue a bunch of feathers to a g-string." He nodded at Brian's slightly surprised expression. "I didn't know where to get any feathers, so I sliced open a feather pillow, and glued a bunch of 'em onto the pouch of the g-string."

"I wouldn't have known where to get a g-string." Chris made a dismissive gesture.

"I had one of those. Feathers were the problem." He leaned across the table. "Did you know that feather pillows don't have many actual feathers in them? They're full of a bunch of small ones."

"It's called down," Brian offered. Chris nodded.

"Tough stuff to glue, let me tell you. In fact, don't try gluing anything to a g-string. You have to wear it while you're doing the gluing." He made a face that morphed into a smile. "I could hardly get the fool thing off. You see, the glue had seeped through the fabric, so it was stuck to my pubic hair." Brian leaned back in his chair and laughed while Chris smiled brightly, pleased at the reaction to his story.

"I didn't wear my glasses that night," he continued, taking them off and squinting in Brian's direction. "I thought wearing glasses didn't really go with wearing a g-string, so I went around all evening squinting at people. I sorta looked like a near-sighted duck that had been half plucked." He nodded sagely and then joined Brian's laughter. "People seemed anxious to pluck whatever feathers were left, but I had used a lot of glue. Besides, I yelped whenever they tugged on a feather." He leaned closer. "I don't like strangers yanking on my pubic hair. Guys I know . . . okay, but strangers?" He shook his head. "After a couple yelps, people left the feathers alone."

"I'd like to have seen that."

"The party or the g-string?"

"You wearing the g-string!" Brian thanked the person who delivered their drinks. "Sounds hot. Remember, I know what your legs look like. I imagine the rest is pretty exciting, though I've never seen your butt. I'm an ass man, you understand."

Chris laughed. "Well, if you had been at the party you'd have seen all you wanted of my butt." He sipped on his drink and made a slight face. "So, that's the story of how it is that I know wearing feathers can be chilly." He mimed a shiver, grinning all the while.

Brian watched the man across the table from him for a moment and thought about how, in only a short while, his mood and brightened. "I regret not being at the party. Maybe I could have kept you warm." He paused a moment and then, when Chris looked up with a smile, he added. "I'd have loaned you my coat . . . or something." Chris grinned and studied his drink while he spoke.

"I had a heavy crush on you when we were in school. I don't know if you ever knew." Brian nodded slowly.

"I knew. Your roommate complained."

"About what . . . my talking?" Brian nodded and grinned. "He didn't say anything other than you seemed to really like me, and he wished I'd have . . . done . . . something . . . with you so that maybe you'd stop telling him of my virtues." Chris leaned back in his chair and tilted his head back, looking at the dark ceiling of the lounge, not sure how to handle this revelation.

"Damn, I thought no one knew about that. I never imagined he'd tell you!" He paused a long moment while Brian took a sip of his drink. "Geez, the things I told him." He sighed and began slowly rotating his glass on the tabletop, shaking his head.

"I was pretty serious about you." Chris seemed lost in thought and reluctant to meet Brian's eyes.

"Are you serious about anyone right now?" Chris slowly nodded and then shrugged, answering Brian's question.

"No, not serious. I live with someone, but we're not involved with each other." When Brian gave him a quizzical look, he continued. "I've been together with Jon for four years. It started out as a lover relationship, but now, things are not going . . . well." He looked at Brian, all traces of his earlier playfulness gone. "I feel trapped. I want out, but I don't know . . . how . . . to get . . . out." He dragged out the last few words as he stared into his drink. After a few moments he looked at Brian with a crooked grin.

"Sorry to burden you with my love life. What about you?" Brian knew the question was inevitable and yet he wasn't any more prepared to answer Chris than he had been to answer any of the other people who asked how he was doing. He shrugged.

"He . . . died." It was all Brian could manage without bursting into tears. When he looked up, Chris seemed shocked.

"Shit, man." He leaned forward and rested his warm hand on Brian's. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." He squeezed Brian's hand once and then returned to rotating his drink. "Damn, there's nothing I can say that won't sound trite or maudlin." He looked across the table and bit his lip. "I'm sorry, Brian, really."

He nodded once and managed to croak out a shaky, "thanks."

"Are you here, with someone? Do you need to be getting back?" Brian shook his head.

"No, I'm alone." He cleared his throat and tried to smile, regretting the light-hearted mood of a few minutes earlier had changed to one of melancholy. "I guess I was hoping to recapture some of the fun we once had here, but it wasn't working. I was just wandering around feeling sorry for myself. Seeing you again has been wonderful. I can't tell you how great it is to be sitting here with you." Chris grinned, reaching out once more to grasp Brian's hand.

"Same here, Brian. Same here." He finished his drink and stared at the empty glass. "Would you like to have some dinner? I haven't eaten anything since breakfast and if I don't get some food into my stomach soon, the alcohol will go straight to my head and I'll start giggling." He squeezed Brian's hand and prepared to stand. "There's nothing worse than a guy giggling because he's had one drink." Brian smiled at Chris's attempt to lighten the mood.

"You're paying for dinner, remember?" Chris nodded as they wound their way through the tables and headed for one of the hotel's restaurants. "I'd do a lot more than pay for dinner to be with my favorite man of all time," he said as they left the lounge. He instantly turned to Brian and looked embarrassed by what he'd said.

"It's the alcohol talking, Brian. Get me some food quick or no telling what I'll say." He giggled slightly and urged Brian forward with a hand motion. "Go on, choose a restaurant, and be quick about it. Preferably some place with food." Brian had taken a couple steps before he realized he had left Chris behind.

He joined Brian but seemed distracted. "One damn drink and I always start acting strange." He continued to talk as they walked. "Giggling and horny. A strange combination, don't you think?" Brian smiled, asking the person at the front of the restaurant if there were any open tables. The young man smiled and nodded.

"Yep," Chris continued as he sat down at the table and grinned. "I'm a happy, horny drunk." The maitre d' frowned and turned to Brian as Chris was distracted by something. Brian made a calming gesture which seemed to satisfy the young man.

Chris quickly glanced at the menu and set it aside, continuing to study the other diners with a slight grin. When it seemed Brian had decided what to order, a waiter appeared at their table.

"Have you decided what you'd like to eat this evening," he asked, poised to take their orders. Chris nodded, handing the waiter his menu.

"Food."

He grinned at the waiter, once again wearing his ingenuous expression. The waiter stared at Chris for a moment longer before turning to Brian who tried not to laugh at the man's expression. Chris seemed content to look around the restaurant wearing a hint of a grin. Brian looked at him over the top of the menu as the waiter . . . waited. Finally, he ordered two meals and asked for an appetizer to be served quickly, saying his friend needed something to counter the drink he had earlier.

"Drink?"

Brian nodded at the waiter's skeptical look. "Just one." Chris nodded and looked at the waiter, scanning his body slowly, from his highly polished shoes all the way up to his slightly starched expression. His gaze came to rest on the waiter's crotch, which was almost at eyelevel. He looked up with another of his mischievous smiles.

"Yep, one drink makes me happy and horny." The waiter backed up a step, covering his crotch with the menus before turning and walking away, shifting the menus to cover his butt. Chris waved as the man looked over his shoulder.

Brian leaned across the table and spoke in a low voice. "You're not really that drunk, are you? You're just having fun with the guy." Chris grinned and nodded.

"I do start to giggle after a drink, and I do get horny. Actually, I think the horny bit comes first and then the giggle, because I find I'm very horny right now and I haven't started to giggle yet. Strange combination, don't you think . . . horny and happy? I'm having fun with the waiter because he's so full of himself. I mean, he's a waiter not a rocket scientist." Even if I had two drinks I wouldn't tease one of them. I was never very good in science."

Brian sat back and studied the man sitting across from him. "I'm amazed." He continued after Chris looked at him with a puzzled expression. "We're sitting here visiting as if we've been friends for years." He looked across the table with the barest hint of a grin, thinking how comfortable he felt. "I'm sorry we weren't better friends when we were at school. I realize I missed out by not knowing you better." He sighed and sat back in his chair, resting his hands on the table. Their appetizer was placed at the center of the table by a young lady who grinned at them both and returned Chris' smile. "All my attention was focused . . . elsewhere." He toyed with his fork while Chris silently watched him in the dim light of the restaurant. "I don't make friends very easily . . . at least not good ones."

"Of course you do. Besides, we go way back. Remember, we've lived next door to each other for a whole year. That makes us almost roommates, and you said you like my legs and wish you could see my butt. That counts for something on the intimacy scale. As for me, I know that I like all of you . . . even though I've never seen it all, I know I like it." Brian laughed and felt slightly embarrassed by Chris' candid disclosures. "You may not have thought of me as a good friend, but I've always thought of you as one." He shrugged and grinned, pushing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose with a finger. "Maybe that was wishful thinking on my part."

"Is that the alcohol speaking again? You seem to be revealing quite a few secrets." Chris shook his head at the question, and pierced one of the tidbits from the plate of appetizers. He held it before him for a moment as he studied it, and then bit into it.

"Good," he managed to say around the food. "I wonder what it was when it was living." He stopped chewing for a moment while he contemplated what he might have in his mouth and then shrugged and continued chewing.

"But, to answer your question. No, the alcohol's not talking any longer. It's just Chris Loughlin, a Nebraska farm boy who has wished every day that things had been different when he was at school, so he and the guy he used to live next door to could have had a chance with one another." He sat back in his chair and looked across the table while Brian sampled one of the appetizers.

"We've already heard that my roommate thought I talked too much. I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable. It's just that . . . I don't know. I guess I thought I'd never see you again. Now that I have, I guess I'm saying more than I should."

Brian smiled as he watched Chris blush and grin, amazed at how comfortable he felt. "I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you would have liked. I was just so . . . focused, on one person, I didn't really even think of anyone else. If you had paraded back and forth in front of me, naked, I don't know if I would have really thought too much of it. I guess I was living in my own little world. During the past few months I've been made aware of the pitfalls of loving one person with a singlemindedness that caused me to ignore everyone around me. When I needed a friend, I found I didn't have any."

"Since seeing you this afternoon, I realize the way I've lived my life has been a mistake. I realize how much I need a friend. I didn't really give you a chance when we were in school and now . . . things are different."

Chris sat forward, leaning his forearms on the table and laced his fingers together. "I agree. Things are different from when we were in school. Brian, you are lonely and in need of more than a casual friend. You haven't had anyone hold you in a long time, have you?" Brian bowed his head.

"No. It's been too long. Being a loner isn't a good thing when one needs some support." He tried to smile. "I just don't know, Chris. I mean I don't know if I can." Chris looked at him with a puzzled expression.

"You don't know if you can allow me to hold you? When I squeezed your hand back in the bar, your body responded, whether you think you did or not."

"You know what I mean."

"You mean, you don't know if you can have sex without feeling as if you're betraying your partner." The way Chris said it, it wasn't a question, it was a statement of fact. Brian nodded slowly.

"I'm not talking about sex, Brian. I'm talking about you needing to be comforted. You're acting as if you're totally alone. That's not the case. You seem to think no one loves you. I personally know that's not the case. You need to be held by someone who cares for you. Tonight at least, I'm that man. I care for you . . . more than you know."

"But your partner," Brian began, but stopped speaking when Chris put up a hand to stop any further mention of his partner.

"Brian, I told you earlier, I'm in a relationship in name only. We share a house, and little else. I work days, he works nights. We see each other for about fifteen minutes a day and have very little to say to one another when we are in the same room. We're not angry with each other or anything like that. We've just drifted apart, and neither one of us knows how to end it." He trailed off with a sigh.

"I've stayed because I don't like change. I tend to let things go on forever, or until something or someone kicks me in the butt and screams for me to do something . . . anything!"

"My sex life for the past few years has been reduced to beating off while I'm watching some porn. I also would like to be held, but I don't need it like you do." He leaned closer. "Brian, having said that, I'm not propositioning you. I would love to, but I'm not. What I am doing, is offering to hold you. Would you let me?" He suddenly seemed embarrassed.

"I guess if I'm going to be totally honest, I should tell you that while I want to hold you because you need it, I'm also being selfish. I feel as if I've just found you, and I'm thinking that I would really like to feel your arms around me. . . . After dinner, of course." He smiled brightly as the slightly wary waiter approached the table with their dinner. The man placed Brian's meal in front of him and then leaned close to Chris, gingerly arranging his meal while trying to stand as far away as possible.

"Hi. My name's Chris." The man stood as if he had been shocked. Chris ignored the rattling dishes and curious glances cast their way from nearby diners wondering at the noise and sudden movement. He continued smiling brightly, seemingly unaware of the waiter's distress. The man stuttered a moment.

"Uh, um. How nice for you." He shut his mouth with an audible click of his teeth and walked away with a straight back. If he had looked over his shoulder he would have seen Chris chuckling and Brian looking across the table in wonder.

"You are one nasty operator, Mr. Loughlin," Brian tried to hide his grin as he watched his dinner partner examine his meal. "When we were in school I never thought of you as being so playful."

"I wasn't, then. I guess I've loosened up a little." He winked at Brian. "Wearing a feather g-string does that to a person." He cut into his steak. "This is going to be good." He gave Brian a merry glance over the top rim of his glasses. "Thanks for ordering steak. If you'd ordered something that used to swim or crawl about in the ocean, you'd have had to eat it." He savored the first bite of his dinner and sighed with pleasure. "Once, I heard lobsters referred to as the cockroaches of the ocean. Since then, I haven't been able to even think about sea food." He shuddered and grinned when Brian began laughing.

"Yep, the smile's much better than the frown." He raised his glass as if in a toast.

The smells and sounds of the restaurant followed them as they strolled past groups of people on their way to an evening's dining and entertainment. A roll of thunder briefly overpowered the jumble of music coming from the many restaurants, but quickly rumbled into a distant grumble, allowing the music and laughter to be heard. Another clap of thunder came on the heels of a dazzling flash of lightning which illuminated the inside of the building through a skylight. The gold skin of the hotel above briefly shone brightly in the strobe-like light.

Chris turned from looking up through the skylight and inhaled deeply through his nose then grinned when Brian gave him a curious look. "This is so nice. I haven't had as pleasant an evening in a long time." Brian grinned, looking much more relaxed than when Chris had first encountered him earlier in the afternoon. There were moments when he would seem perfectly at ease and then he would close up, his frown would return, and he would look around as if he were searching for someone. The longer they were together the more he smiled.

"Same here." Brian's deep voice seemed more relaxed . . . less haunted by his memories. "I had almost forgotten what it's like to smile and laugh." He nudged Chris and grinned. "A farm boy I know showed me that I hadn't lost the knack entirely. He must have practiced telling jokes to the cows, or something."

"Ha! I never went near any cows." He held his hands out in front of him and wiggled his fingers. "These babies have never fooled around with anyone's tits." He shuddered, and then wiped his hands over the front of his shorts at the same time he made a face. "Now, pecs are an entirely different thing. I even like to suck on those."

He quickly looked toward Brian, losing his playful smile. "Sorry guy. I'm getting carried away." He turned toward one of the store fronts they were passing and didn't see Brian's frown. When Brian moved close enough to touch shoulders he looked up.

"Chris." His voice was serious. "I have always loved sex. I'm not afraid of hearing you talk about it. What I'm having trouble getting past is the feeling that somehow, if I'm with . . . someone . . . I'll be cheating on Eric." He held up both hands to prevent the response he knew would be coming. "I know it's stupid to think something like that, but . . . I do. I don't want to, but you see; I never even thought of another guy when I lived with Eric. I mean ever. That's why you didn't totally register in my mind when we were back in school. I knew you were living next door to us but I didn't see you . . . or any other man." He sighed and turned his back on the brightly lit shop.

"Monogamy is wonderful, but I think I must have been something more than monogamous." He turned to Chris with a slight frown. "Do you understand what I mean?" Chris managed a single nod and then steered Brian away from the store with a gentle pressure on the small of his back.

They passed through the casino with its constant chiming of slot machines, and strolled back into the largely deserted lobby, heading toward the large window where they had met.

"It's still raining." Chris grinned to himself at the words. He could see Brian's reflection, and that he was apparently focused on the wind-driven rain.

"How far is your hotel from here?" Brian continued, looking straight ahead.

"A couple miles I'd guess. I walked over here."

"You'll get wet."

"I could take a taxi. I'll be okay."

"Oh." There was a long pause. "Chris." Brian turned to him and then back toward the window, focusing on the reflection rather than on the man himself. "Chris, I can't promise anything." He made a helpless motion with his hands. "I know you're not Eric." The words had become a murmur, barely heard over the distant slot machines.

"Without your help, I could end up sitting . . . alone, waiting, wishing, he would come home." He choked as he tried to continue speaking. "I mean, I know he's not coming home, but . . . " He turned his pain-filled eyes on the man next to him.

"He'd want me to be happy . . . wouldn't he? I mean, I . . . " He shrugged and loudly swallowed, unable to go on. "Wouldn't he?"

Chris reached out and rubbed the open palm of one hand slowly over Brian's upper back. "Shhh. You're torturing yourself for no reason. I knew Eric, from back in school, and I know he would want you to be happy. He was always laughing and wanting to have a good time. I don't think he'd expect your life to stop . . . because he's not able to be with you . . . " He paused a moment, not sure whether he could keep his composure. After a few moments when it became clear Brian wasn't going to say something more, Chris decided to trust his voice. "I don't think he'd want you to waste your life waiting for him, Brian." He gently touched his friend's shoulder. "He was a good guy. I'm sure he'd tell you to stop torturing yourself." Once again, he squeezed Brian's shoulder and gave him an encouraging grin.

"Geez, what I'm thinking is not coming out very well. Do you know what I mean?" The corners of Brian's lips twitched up into a crooked grin and he slowly nodded.

"Is that offer of a hug still open?" Brian seemed suddenly shy. "I've been thinking of holding you and feeling your arms around me." He took a ragged breath and grinned. "I watched you when we were eating and wished you were holding me . . . then." He gave Chris a sheepish grin. "I must say, the longer I'm around you, the more I want to feel you . . . close." He bowed his head and was looking up through lowered lashes. "Will you?"

"I would love to, Brian. More than anything." Suddenly, a cheer erupted from the casino and someone screamed, "I've won! I've won!" Chris tried not to smile as he and Brian strolled toward the elevators. He knew exactly what the happy person was feeling. The reality of seeing Brian was turning out to be better than any fantasy he'd ever had.

In only minutes, Chris was standing in Brian's dark room, before the wide expanse of floor-to-ceiling windows. He could see Brian's reflection, standing motionless in the room's entry. He appeared to either be having second thoughts about having someone in his room, or he didn't know what to do next. Chris turned to him and gestured for him to come closer and then turned back to the window, giving Brian all the time he needed to reach a decision.

He could see Brian take a deep breath and slowly exhale before slowly walking across the room until he was at Chris' side. "Sorry," he murmured. "I . . . " Chris moved closer and wrapped an arm around Brian's waist.

"Shhh. There's nothing to be sorry about. But, if things get to be too much for you, let me know. I'll leave . . . if you want me to." He could feel a slight tremor as he drew closer and Brian rested an arm across his shoulders. They stood in silence, welcoming one another's touch, watching the wind whip the palms far below and the rain beat against the window. As the minutes passed, Brian became more relaxed. His breathing steadied and he leaned into Chris' one-armed embrace. After a moment he chuckled to himself drawing Chris' attention. Brian looked toward him and Chris saw a different man than had stood next to him only moments earlier.

The frown was gone, as was the firm set of his mouth. His entire posture seemed to be less tense. It was as if the anxiety he had been carrying with him since his partner's death had been washed away by the rainstorm. Brian took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"I love the rain." He moved behind Chris and wrapped both arms around his waist, resting his head on Chris' shoulder and murmuring in his ear. "Thank you, farm boy . . . for everything you've done for me today." He moved his head slightly and nuzzled Chris' neck for a few moments before he kissed it. Chris inhaled deeply and moved closer, silently urging Brian to tighten his embrace. As Brian pulled him closer he could feel Brian's erection pressed against his buttocks causing him to smile.

"This is so nice." He realized as he spoke that Brian wasn't the only person who had begun to relax. He loved the warmth and feeling of being needed, having a pair of strong arms around him. That it was Brian who was holding him made the sensations all the better. The warm breath on his neck, and the slow, deliberate kisses sent shivers up and down his spine. Brian seemed to know what he felt because he could feel him chuckle as he tried to push himself closer, reveling in his fantasy-come-true.

Suddenly, the earlier tension returned, in force. He stiffened, causing Brian to make a questioning sound before returning to kissing his neck. "Just a sec, I have to say something." He was watching their reflection and saw as well as felt Brian raise his head.

"Brian, we've just found each other. Even if what we have lasts only tonight, I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back to Jon . . . and my old life. I feel as if a new chapter has started today." Brian further tightened his embrace but remained silent. "I'm serious. I've tolerated the situation I'm in for the last couple years, because there was nothing better. I had sort of stopped looking for someone. Now, I've suddenly found you and I don't want to let go." He turned to face Brian, and threw his arms around his shoulders.

"Hold me . . . tight." Brian tried to grin his reassurances, but was feeling many of the same things himself. He gently stroked the back of Chris' head, running his fingers through his hair.

"Hey, I'm the one that's supposed to need comforting . . . remember?" He grinned slightly and tilted Chris' head up with a forefinger. "Things will work themselves out." He leaned forward and kissed the tip of Chris' nose, causing the corners of his lips to curl slightly. He rested his head on Brian's shoulder and was quiet while Brian slowly rubbed his open palms over his back and down to the seat of his pants.

"Yeah, I guess. It's just that a few minutes ago all I could think about was how this has been the very best day of my life, and now all I'm thinking about is what I'm going to be feeling when the day is over and I have to say goodbye to you." He trembled slightly in Brian's arms.

"Shit, I hate the word, goodbye."

Brian tried to keep his voice calm, but hearing Chris mention saying goodbye brought back memories of Eric, and how he refused to let go of his dead partner's hand as hospital employees wheeled him to the morgue. Only when a stern looking man stopped him at the doors to the morgue, had he finally released Eric's lifeless hand. Hospital personnel wheeled Eric away, and Brian stood in the hallway with bowed head and cried as he said goodbye. Now, it was Chris who needed comforting.

"Don't think about tomorrow. We're here tonight, just the two of us." He grinned as Chris nodded slightly. Brian leaned forward and tentatively brushed his lips against Chris'. "No one's saying goodbye tonight, so don't try to run away, Mr. Loughlin. You're spending the entire night by my side, like it or not." Chris gave him a small smile and a nod, not quite able to stop thinking about tomorrow, but willing to try.

"This room comes equipped with a bed, ya know," he breathed into Chris' ear before kissing his neck once again. Chris took a deep breath and leaned into the kiss. "May I undress you?"

"You sure?" Brian nodded slowly and drew Chris into another lengthy deep kiss. "Yes . . . I'm sure. You feel so good in my arms, so warm." He could barely suppress a chuckle as he added. "And hard too."

"I'm no harder than you are, Mr. Winslow." Chris ran his hand down the front of Brian's shorts, caressing the erection within before cupping Brian's testicles. "I'm yours to command." He backed up slightly and held his arms out to his sides. "Strip me, handsome. When you're done, I get to do you." Brian made a groan deep in his chest as he stepped closer.

"Ever since we were at the bar, I've been wanting to do this." He unfastened Chris' belt and the zipper to his shorts, gently pushing them to the floor. Chris began to breathe heavily as Brian fondled his erection through his underwear.

"You're not gonna cum on me are you?"

"Huh? . . . You mean . . . now, or later?" Brian slipped Chris' shirt over his head, leaving him in a pair of tight black briefs with a lengthy mound reaching for the waistband. He chuckled as he pulled Chris to him and began to massage his buttocks while they kissed. "I meant to ask if you were about ready to cum . . . now." He licked a broad swath over Chris' neck, leaving a glistening trail of moisture behind, before he sought out Chris' mouth.

He couldn't help but compare Chris with Eric. Chris and he were the same height, where Eric was slightly shorter and sported more muscle than Chris, though Chris was by no means skinny or frail.

Chris shook his head slightly, answering Brian's question about if he was about to cum, as he continued to breathe through his open mouth.

"Good." He licked across Chris' lips, gently teasing them with his tongue. He could feel Chris' warm breath and smell his spicy scent and found himself excited by the smell as well as the nearness of a man. "Later . . . when you do cum, you can shoot on me, or in me. . . your choice." He could feel a shudder move through Chris' body.

"Shit, Brian. Are you the same man that I came into this room with? I mean, you're driving me crazy, here. It's like you're a different man. What happened?" Brian grinned a crooked smile as he ran the palms of his hands over Chris' smooth chest, pausing to tease the nipples between a thumb and forefinger. Chris threw his head back and groaned at the touch. Brian continued to tease the nipples for a few moments longer and then slowly moved his hands down Chris' flat stomach and once again caressed his erection through his underwear which now had a large wet spot on the front. Brian grinned to himself as Chris closed his eyes and began whimpering at the touch.

"You want me to get you naked, farm boy?"

"Uhh Huh."

"Are you sure?"

"Please Brian. I need to be naked. Strip me, please." He still had his eyes closed and trembled as Brian gently kneaded his buttocks. Brian chuckled low in his throat and gently began to lower the tight boxer briefs. Chris' whimpering increased and his hands were opening and closing at his sides, as if they wanted to help.

"Oh, yeah," Brian groaned as the head to Chris' cock appeared. He spread some of the precum over the head and began to lightly run a forefinger over the underside. Chris opened his eyes when he felt Brian's warm breath on his face and opened his mouth, welcoming Brian's tongue.

"Please, Brian." He gasped for breath as Brian began kissing his neck working his way down toward Chris' nipples. "I can't take any more of this. I've gotta get naked. I want you to be too. Pleaaase,'" he whimpered, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. Brian ignored him, intent on sucking Chris' nipples.

In a flash, Chris moved back a step and pushed his underwear to the floor, letting his penis spring free. Brian straightened and smiled, raising his eyebrows in appreciation. Chris was absolutely perfect. His long cock stood out from a base of thick brown pubic hair. His testicles nestled in their smooth sac, their size making a promise that would be fulfilled when Brian finally brought him to orgasm. He could see them shift as he watched.

"Now you." Chris quickly stripped Brian out of his shirt, dropping the clothing on the floor. With a little help, he was soon standing before Chris looking slightly embarrassed as Chris stared at him open mouthed.

"Damn, Brian. You are so much better than any fantasy I ever had. He moved closer and reached out to tenderly caress Brian's cheek.

"You mentioned something about a bed . . . " He winked. "What do you say that we make use of it?"

~ to be continued ~

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I would appreciate hearing any comments you may have, and if you would like a pic of the men who inspired the characters, please ask.

If you enjoyed this chapter, you may also like to read my other stories, also in the Nifty College Section. They're entitled, 'Phalen,' and 'Leith.'

Roy Reinikainen

roynm@mac.com