CHRISTMAS CAMPING WITH TED By: Dr. Ben Ezra Jacobson, PhD-Literature
I had met a wonderful friend while on a camping trip at Upper Fish Trap Lake near Boulder Junction, Wisconsin in the summer of 1967. Ted was a ranger with the local Lake and Forestry patrol. We had a few days of exciting times together when a summer storm wrecked havoc on our camp. The Ranger and his deputies took us into their homes for safety...and because I was the oldest in the group...Ted who was a deputy ranger, took me to his cabin for a few days...where I learned what intimacy with a man several years my senior could do for my self esteem. We continued to correspond after I returned home to prepare for college...when suddenly his letters stopped. It was devastating to think that the guy I had shared my most inner being was so soon out of my life. It became difficult to focus on anything but the loss of Ted's communications. When I was at my saddest moment...he turned up again...thanks to my parents...who found him working at the university where I was enrolled...and arranged for our reunion.
Like so many teenagers...having gay thoughts and preferring the company of boys, was not something one just blurted out to parents. My sexual preference was a carefully guarded secret...and I shared the data with very few except my closest cronies. My parents figured it out though because I called Ted's name in my sleep. They arranged for him to spend Christmas with us...and he had the adjoining room next to mine. My dad even went so far as to tell me to leave the door open between my room and the guest room...and if I was real quiet about it...like no bouncing on the mattress...Ted could share my bed...which he did.
December 24th, 1967
Dear Journal,
I am still reeling with amazement that my parents found Ted for me and even more so that he accepted their invitation to spend Christmas with us. My mom told me that Aunt Betty would be staying in the guest room next to mine and imagine my surprise when I found Ted in there instead. He and Dad had arranged the whole thing. Ted had left his job in Boulder Junction, Wisconsin to come to Illinois and had been hired on the spot at the university I was attending, to work in security. He had a law enforcement degree and the university hired him instantaneously. It had been a difficult task to keep it from me...especially when he kept seeing me on campus. He wanted to run up and grab me...but controlled his emotions for this Christmas Eve surprise. And what a surprise it was. I do not believe that I have ever loved anyone like I love Ted.
Dad told me that we could leave the door open between our rooms and if we were real quiet...Ted could stay in my room. It is almost time to go down for dinner. Ted is there now...and I am so excited... I have been sporting an enormous Hard On for the last twenty minutes. Can't go down with a protruding boner. I will write just a few more minutes and then I have to make my appearance. Oh, by the way...Aunt Betty did arrive a short time after Ted...and the folks have her in my sister's room next to their room. I guess it is so they can not hear the panting when we get together later on. :-). Sis and her husband will not be here tonight. Aunt Betty was very cordial to Ted. I heard her tell mom that her eldest son was gay...and that she was not judgmental about people like us. I did not know that Bill was gay...wish I had...I would have let him put the moves on me. He was so athletic...in High School...a real hunk.
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Supper could not have been nicer. Mom and Dad took the end seats, Ted and I sat next to each other and Aunt Betty sat across from us. There was no talk about our relationship. They treated Ted like they had known him forever and he was a paragon of cordiality. When Dad talked foot ball... Ted knew every team and team member that he mentioned. When Mom talked about her plans for the rose garden next summer...Ted was her match with botany and horticulture. Even Aunt Betty who was an avid historian...found that Ted had read every book of which she spoke and could keep up with her on the authors and the themes of each. I sat next to him and just sort of reveled in his ability to communicate and expound knowledge on so many planes. In Wisconsin...he had seemed like an ordinary Joe who was great in bed and a manly sort of man who was at his best driving around in an old truck. I pressed my knee against his leg several times when he was speaking and he returned the gesture.
At one point, he scooted back from the table and went to the wood box to add a couple more logs to the fireplace fire. As he bent to place the log on the grate...the contour of his butt made my dick get hard again...so much so that I sat as still as possible lest the family would think of some reason for me to get up and move around the room and I would be exposed for the trophy in my pants.
The dinner was outstanding and we adjourned to the family room to open packages. I remembered that there were quite a few for me from family members...but it was all a blur. The one thing I wanted for Christmas was to have Ted with me again...and here he was. My folks even bought him a couple of sweaters and some other little items which surprised him. He protested but to no avail.
"Mr. & Mrs. Jacobson...these gifts are too nice for me...I can not possibly accept such generosity...me a stranger to you." He said.
"Of course you can, Dear", my mom had replied, " You gave us the best gift we could have hoped for...Ben's happiness."
"Mom," I had protested.
"It's true Ted...Your were moping around here like someone who had lost their best friend...and your father found him. We have known for a long time that you were...well...liking what you like...and we are ok with your choices. We love you...and that is what matters."
I could have hugged my mom at that moment. Ted was who I wanted. And now he sat next to me. There is little that could have made me happier.
By mid night, the family had gone to their bedrooms and Ted and I sat on the floor by the fireplace and continued to reminisce about our summer. We kept watching the stair case in case a family member might come back down. It was all I could do to keep my hands off of him. He would pull me close to him and put his arms around me. It made me think of the evenings at his cabin. It was just so easy to feel the heat of his body through my shirt as I leaned back against him and felt his hands on my chest...and every so often...he would make a quick pass to my groin to see if I was at full mast...and of course, I was. If I had dropped my pants right there and now...it would have looked like I had had an ejaculation...I was seeping so profusely. Finally near 1:00 AM...with the hearth fire burned down to embers...we closed the glass doors in front and tiptoed up to my room.
I secured the lock and stripped out of my clothes as fast as I could. Ted, however, took a little more time...he was playing with my emotion. First the shirt and then the tee shirt...then he messed around pulling off his socks slowly, then his jeans...and paraded around the room in his tidy-whities...with the bulge in front becoming more pronounced. He would laugh and move back to the chair where he had hung his clothes pretending to check if his jeans pockets were indeed empty. Finally he stepped out of the briefs and crawled into my bed and scooted over as close as he could get. I turned out the light at the side of the bed and felt him turn towards me. I reached down and took a hold of his erection...squeezed it twice in my hand...and then dove under the covers to slip it into my mouth where I slid up and down on it with my lips and tongue.
He arched his back as I went deeper on his dick and I could taste the presence of a great deal of pre-cum. After about a half dozen slides on his rod, he was pulling me up and away from it.
"Tiger, I don't want to cum the first 60 seconds in your bed...take your time...we have all night," he admonished.
"Can't help myself, Ted...you taste great and I am making up for your long absence," I replied back at him.
"I know Ben...but I am not going anywhere tonight...or the next day, or the day after that," he said. "I want to find some permanent housing near the university and I want you to come live with me. We can share an apartment...and have a lot of time together."
"That would be fantastic...and I think my folks would be ok with it," I replied.
"Your parents love you, bud...if it is what you want...they will be cool with it," Ted assured me.
"I believe you," I answered back...and then dove under the sheet again to resume the blow job I was giving him.
Typical of Ted...he would not let me proceed too long before he called time, and we switched places. He sucked my dick until I felt like I was going to explode, and then flipped me over onto my stomach and rimmed me until I felt like I could stand no more...before he slipped his stiff dick into my anal canal. The head massaged my prostate glad and the intensity was almost too much. I grabbed a hand towel that I had earlier placed under each of our pillows and barely got it under me when the next jab on my prostate cause me to ejaculate a heavy and complete stream of semen. The intensity was so over powering that I wanted to scream out...but Ted's hand over my mouth kept me from doing so. A couple more jabs and he unloaded his semen cache into my canal which left him shaking with spasms. The last thing I remember was his pulling me close to him, my back to his front, and he wrapped his long arms around me. I drifted off in a deep slumber...with a sigh of extreme contentment.
About 8:00 AM...my dad was knocking at my door and calling, "Breakfast in 30 minutes."
"Thanks Dad...I will be down in a minute."
Dad did not go to Ted's door. We grinned at each other and smiled. To my surprise...Ted got into the shower with me...and we lathered each other up with soap. He bent slightly toward the glass and I inserted my dick into his ass and gave him a quick fill up. He then turned around toward me...and I jerked him off with plenty of soap...we dressed and appeared at the table all fresh and perky.
Dad looked at us...and then looked at Mom.
"I trust you two slept soundly...you look awfully chipper this morning."
Mom looked at him and said, " Papa...leave the boys alone. They needed a good night's sleep."
We all chuckled but that was the end of the discussion. More family came in during the day. I introduced Ted to all of them...and they were cordial and welcomed him with glad tidings. If any other than my parents and Aunt Betty suspected anything...they kept their own counsel. My cousin Bill showed up in the afternoon. One look at us...and he was all smiles. I looked back...and smiled...he knew...and we knew he knew. Further more...he knew we knew about him.
Later in the day, Bill caught me alone...and said, "You dog...I always wondered...and now I know."
"Ditto...you hound dog...Aunt Betty spilled the beans on you too buddy."
Bill looked surprised and then regained some composure.
"I would have dicked you a few years ago if I thought you would not have made an issue out of it," he said.
"Hang in there cousin, I thought the same thing about you...when Aunt Betty told us you were gay," I shot back at him.
"Your secret is safe with me...if mine is with you." he responded.
"Deal," I said...and patted him on the butt as I passed. He chuckled and walked the other direction.
Through out the day, Ted would touch my hand or shoulder in moving about the room. He would sit close to me every chance he got and one point...suggested that we go upstairs after Christmas dinner for a quick...ahhh...nap. As tempting as it was...we stayed with the family until they had all departed.
Mom and Dad retired to their room early in the evening...and Ted lay down on the sofa and motioned for me to come lay down next to him. Again, he put his arms around me and we both drifted off to sleep. When I awoke...the clock had just struck 9:30 PM. Ted was still asleep. I kissed him on the side of the face, turned out the lights and went to bed. Sometime in the night, he came to bed and I could feel his warmth next to me...even though I could not wake up enough to kiss him good night. How happy I was. I never wanted this to end.
December 26, 1967
Dear Journal,
Ted and I went to sleep on the sofa...his arms wrapped around me. When I woke up this morning...he was snuggled next to me as close as he could get. I teased him a bit by playing with his dick until it got hard and throbbing. I sucked him off as he awoke...and he thought he had been dreaming the whole thing. He has been very near all day. We took down the Christmas decorations which we always have done the day after Christmas... and Ted helped me carry them to the attic for storage. Each time we got up there...he would take me into his arms and hold me close. He wants to start looking for an apartment as soon as we can. Mom said that she wished we would just stay here with them for the winter...but it is awkward. They have been so kind and welcoming to Ted...but he would like for us to have our own place so we could walk around naked while we were there and not have to worry about anyone seeing how much fun we have together. I agree. It feels great to be naked...especially when it is with someone you love.
December 27, 1967
Dear Ben,
You left your journal open on the desk and I read what you said about me. I can not begin to tell you how much I love you. Never in my life did I ever meet anyone that means as much to me as you do. I heard your mother wondering if we would grow tired of each other. Sure hope that never happens. Right now...I can not imagine sharing my life with anyone other than you. You make me so much happier than anyone I have ever met.
Forgive me for taking the liberty to write in your journal. Feel free to do the same with mine. Ted
December 28th, 1967
Dear, Journal
That Crazy Ted...he does not keep a journal! I do not mind him reading or writing in my journal. He is becoming more and more a part of me. He has been here with me for three days and has not shown any hint of tiring of the arrangement.
We went to Charleston this morning and looked at apartments. They were a little more pricey than I had expected. It might be wise to stay here for awhile as Mom and Dad suggested. Ted has slept in my bed every night...and none of the family members have commented about it. Well...not true...my mom mentioned that Ted must not turn over much in bed because the bed in the guest room looks like it has never been slept in. Hmmmm.
December 31, 1967
Ted and I are going to a New Years Eve party at some of my friends house. I hope he will not be uncomfortable around my friends.
January 1, 1968
Ted and I both are draggy this morning. We tried the spiked punch and I think I am experiencing my first hang over. Ted drove my car home because I was not feeling very well when we left the party last night. He put his arm around my shoulder and guided me to our room when we got home. Mom and Dad had gone to bed earlier...and did not see my disgusting condition. I puked on the bathroom floor and Ted cleaned it up. He tucked me into bed in the early hours of this morning...and I slept it off. About noon, I came down stairs. He and Dad were watching the football game. No one said anything to me about last night or my sorry state this morning. You know...I do not remember much about last night. I do not recall how my friends treated Ted.
P.M.
When I got a chance to talk to Ted about how the party went last night...he said it was fine.
I asked if anyone made any comment about me bringing another guy to the party...and he said they did not. He said my cousin Bill was there...and when I went to sleep on the sofa...he said Bill suggested they go for a walk...but Ted refused to leave me. That damn Bill...he had better not try what I am thinking he wants to try.
January 4, 1968
Ted and I found an apartment about three blocks from campus. It is upstairs in an older Victorian sort of house. The lady who owns it was very nice. She said that she had had two guys share an apartment before and she had had two girls. She seems unconcerned about the arrangements as long as we pay our rent. The $150 a month price seems steep to me...but it is furnished and clean. It has two bedrooms, a large living and dinning room and a Pulman style of kitchen. Ted says it will do nicely. We move in tomorrow. Hope my family handles this one ok.
January 5, 1968
I was surprised that Mom & Dad were ok with me moving in with Ted. I need to find some part time work to help with the expenses while I am going to college. Ted says that I do not have to worry about it...but I think I do. It took about a half day to move in. The phone company will install the phone next Monday. There are some boxes to unpack...so I will write more later.
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Ted reported to work at noon...and I unpacked boxes and put things away. He had stayed at a motel before joining us at Christmas. When he gets off work...we will unload his things from the back of his truck. It won't take long...because he does not have much with him. Mom gave us some old dishes. I think they were grandma's and she gave us some old pots and pans, some new sheets and pillows...and an assortment of things to help us get started. Her parting remarks were not to get so absorbed in a new life style that I let my grades slip. That is not likely because school was always so easy for me. A 3.98 grade point average speaks for itself.
Ted got back to the apartment at 8:00 PM. We went to one of the local joints for Pizza and Pepsi, shared a few laughs with some of my college friends and then back to the apartment to finish unpacking his things. It was nice to call it a day...to shower and slip beneath the sheets...buck ass naked of course...and go to sleep with Ted as close as he could get with out entry.
January 6, 1968
Alarm clock went off at 7:00 AM...one hour to shave, shower, have breakfast and dress so I could get to class. Ted got into the shower with me...and I felt his big dick near my ass and a hefty ejaculation as he reached around me and stroked my dick with plenty of Dial Soap. It was a rushed event...but he promised me more time when we got home tonight. He would work the day shift today...and we would get home about the same time. I could hardly wait.
All my classes met today with the exception of Physical Education. Thank goodness. Why did I take swimming during winter quarter. The pool was nice and warm the first day...but every day after that it seemed to get one degree cooler until the mean temperature was about 65 degrees...entirely too damn cold for January. By the end of the quarter...I would cut the class as many times as I could and still pass the class. It was the first time in my life...ever...that I got a "D"...in any of my classes.
I loved the literature classes. My instructor was a kindly lady who came into class with braces on her legs and crutches...the kind that grasped around the arm. She was charming and interesting and called all her students Mr, Mrs. or Miss and their surname. It took me awhile to get used to being called Mr. Jacobson.
History class was the Revolutionary War...and the professor...a man named Henning...lectured on and on...barely taking time to draw breath. He would get so caught up in his lectures that it appeared that he was quoting the data from memory.
By 4:00 PM...I walked back to our apartment. Ted was there...I could hear the shower running. I stripped naked and hopped into the shower with him. He washed my hair for me and rinsed it...then took the wash cloth and washed my back. With his long arms, he reached around me and soaped up my chest and held me close. The warmth emanating from his body was as comforting as was the very warm water cascading over our bodies. He took his tongue and teased my ear lobes.
"I love you Ben," he whispered into my ear. "Having you here with me is the most wonderful thing."
"It is wonderful for me too, Ted." I turned to face him and stretching up on my tip toes...planted a kiss on his lips. " I love you too."
Ted grabbed me in a tight embrace and I put my arms around his back...and we just stood there in the shower...enjoying the moment. The water began to cool rapidly.
"We run the course with the hot water...it is time to bail out," Ted said as he pushed the shower door open and grabbed towels from the rack. He wrapped me up in a large towel and with another...began to dry my hair and then blot my face.
One can tell, if one is truly loved by the gentleness that the other extends to you. Ted took a great deal of care to dry me down...every square inch. As he kneeled before me and dried my groin...he popped my dick into his mouth and began to make all kinds of little tantalizing movements. In just seconds, my cock was at full attention. In turn, I dried him down and reciprocated in kind...with his rod jutting out at a ninety degree angle.
"You hungry," I asked?
"Yeah," he said, "hungry for you."
He lead me to our bed and for the next thirty minutes or so...we teased and tantalized each other.
"If you keep doing, what you are doing, I am going to cum...in about three seconds," I said to him.
"Do you want to get off now...or stop and catch our breaths...have some supper and come back to it later," He asked...grinning from ear to ear.
" If you don't stop...I am going to cum," I responded back.
"What," he said.
" You had better stop, if..."
Too late..that intense feeling of a beginning orgasm had now turned into a real throbbing orgasm...and I shot my load all over his chest. Taking some lubricant from the bed side table...I rolled him over on his back...lubed his sphincter...inserted my longest finger and then poured lube down his shaft and started stroking. He lasted less than a count to ten before he too shot a load all over himself.
"Don't stop," he said, " I might cum a second time."
Sure enough with my finger massaging his prostate as I moved my finger in and out of his orifice...he arched his back...moaned a half waling sound, and again ejaculated another big load all over his chest. Ted was amazing. I had helped him do this several times before. He told me as long as I did not remove my finger from his ass and kept stroking his dick...he could have multiple orgasms. Wondering if he could go for three...I continue to push my finger deep and then pull partially the way out...and true to his word...he arched his back again and shook all over as he had a third orgasm...but this time, no more semen. I pushed against his prostate gland and felt it deflated.
" Pull your finger out slowly," he said, " all of a sudden, I am so sensitive...that if you move very fast...it is going to hurt instead of feel good."
Slowly I withdrew my finger...as Ted went, " Aaaahhhh..!"
Ted wiped off his chest with a towel, and rolled over and on top of me...kissed me with a full contact to the lips and pushed his tongue deep into my mouth.
Again he said, "Man...how much I love you."
It was hard to break apart...but we did. While I went to set out supper...he climbed back into the shower to wash the cum off of his chest and legs. The water was cold..and I could hear him howling from the discomfort. When he returned...he was all grins and smiles. He kept embracing me...
"Ted...I am never going to get supper ready...if you do not let me go," I laughed.
"Ben Ezra...I do not intend to ever let you go."
I was happier than I could ever remember. I hoped he would never let me go. Of all the things I have ever loved...of all the people I have ever loved...none of them could compare to the emotion I felt for Ted. Nothing.
February 12, 1968
Dear Journal,
Ted and I have been staying in our new apartment for six weeks. I can not recall having ever had more purpose and meaning in my life. I can not recall having ever been happier. Mid term exams were over last Friday...and the grades were posted today. I have an A in every subject except swimming. Screw swimming in winter. Ted is doing very well with his job in University security. He got a merit raise and a $15. bonus check. We went out for Pizza and beer...but this time...I only drank one.
February 12, 1968
Ted...here,
Ben did a good job with our dinner date. He only drank one beer...and showed no signs of inebriation. I was very proud of him. He was as congratulatory over a fifteen dollar bonus as if it had been hundreds of dollars. I am getting better acquainted with some of his college friends. None of them seem to mind that I am eight years older than he. We ate our pizzas and laughed and commented about the sporting events on the pub television. I asked Ben if he wanted me to get us a television for our apartment. He told me "no." He said that he wanted to spend his time after studying for class...with me and did not want any distractions. How cool is that. Can you ever get tired of telling someone how much you love them. I have not become tired of telling him that...and he seems not to have tired hearing it. Night time is the best. I love coming home, getting a shower, having supper and spending the evening and night with him...both of us as naked as jay birds. We have been in our apartment a little over 40 days and we have had sex every night for over 40 nights. I got me a real little tiger... a tiger that I need dearly. Thank you God...for bringing him into my life. Ted
March 10, 1968
Dear Journal,
My last class for the day ended at 5:00 PM and the walk back to the apartment was cold with a new snow on the ground and over cast skies. The wind blew in my face most the way home and I could hardly wait to get there. It is suppose to be nearing spring...but it damn well feels more like the middle of winter. I am so tired of snow. At the apartment...all the lights were out...but a sole candle burned on the dining room table. Close by was a note saying...I am in the bathroom. Take your clothes off and come join me. When I got to the bathroom...Ted had a dozen candles lit around the room and was chest high in water within the old claw foot bath tub.
The bath room was toasty and the hot water of the tub divine. It took about five seconds for the chill I felt in my walk home to leave me. Ted had placed a large white towel in the tub at my end...and I leaned against it with my back and stretched my legs out in the water...on top of his.
On a bar stool next to the tub was a plate of cookies from the bakery and a two mugs of very hot chocolate. The candle light, the warm water, food and Ted...what more could anyone have wanted. The water tap was in the wall centered directly over the middle of the tub...so neither of us had to have our back against it. We turned the hot tap on and let it trickle into the tub and the over flow took away the excess. For an hour...we soaked and talked about our day...enjoyed the cookies and the hot chocolate which was too soon gone...and felt the touch our bodies touching each other. When we finally stepped out ..both of us were wrinkled like prunes...but we did not care.
"Do you want to go out for supper...or stay here," Ted asked?
"What ever you want to do...," I responded...but the menu here would have been sandwiches and chips...and that didn't strike either of us.
"Let's go to that new Mexican joint down the street," Ted had replied, " I want a stuffed burrito before I come home to my `hot tamale'. He laughed and ruffled my hair.
Ted always brings the best out in me. Our supper was a lot of fun...and we ran into a couple of the guys on security. As we sat and ate...and laughed with them...the fatigue I had felt from classes today...vanished. Food has such a way of lifting my spirits...and then of course there was the dessert waiting for me at home. After nearly two hours with the guys...we walked home. Ted lit the gas log in the fireplace and a couple of candles...and we huddled and cuddled on the sofa...before it seemed like time to adjourn to a more comfortable position. He lay down on the genuine imitation oriental rug that we bought second hand from another student who was moving away from mid term graduation...and I kneeled down next to him and slowly started to unbutton his shirt and unzip his jeans. He pulled my sweatshirt over my head...and caught a hold of my sweat pants...and pulled them off. Neither of us had anything on, underneath our
jeans and shirts. If there was a race for getting naked...I won it.
Sorry Journal...I am no longer interested in writing...I have more important things to do for the next couple of hours. More later.
April 1, 1968
Dear Journal,
Spring has sprung here on campus. I have started riding my bicycle to classes. It is nice to see spring flowers in bloom and the flowering trees are in full array. The co-eds are in shorts in the afternoon...and rumor has it that they are sun tanning on the roofs of the dorms that have a flat roof. Like wise...a lot of the guys are pitching foot balls on the greens in shorts and shirtless. I went into the restroom in the Old Main building after leaving the reference library...and a young professor was standing at the urinal with his dick hanging out...but he was not urinating. I set my books on the radiator by the window and stepped up to the urinal...you know, the old kind that go clear to the floor...and took care of the matter at hand. The prof started a conversation and watched me pee. Every now and then he would stroke his own...and it was stating to rise. I would not mind having spent some time with him...but I
would have been late for class...and I kept thinking how Ted would have felt if I had succumb to the temptation. I nodded to him as I pulled myself together, grabbed my books and headed out. Wonder if he got lucky. If there had not been someone in my life...I might have been interested. I wonder how many boys he has bent over his disk in his office and inserted a little enthusiasm into them. I bet he could really give them a ride for their money...ha.
April 14, 1968
Ted got home this evening and has been very quiet. He did not respond well to my inquiries as to how his day went. At one point...he snapped, "It was o.k., alright", and went to the restroom and locked the door. I wondered if he had heard about the professor who was trying to proposition me. After a half hour...he came out. His face was puffy and red...and his eyes were red. I knew he had been crying. I will write more later...when I know something.
"Ted...tell me what is wrong?"
He ruffled my hair and said he was sorry he snapped at me...then he handed me a piece of paper...from Wisconsin that had found it's way here.
"Oh my Gosh...You are going to be drafted."
"Yes," he replied, "my reserve unit has all been called up to go to Vietnam."
"What are you going to do"
"What can I do, Ben. It looks like I have to go with them."
"What if they knew about us," I asked? "Doesn't same gender arrangements exclude you from serving in the military?"
"It can Ben...but I have to go. I can not run out on this...I have to go."
"I see," I said stunned. "But what about..."
"What about us," Ted said...looking into my face..?
"Yes." I responded.
"I don't know Ben...I will have to go...and I hope you will be here for me when I get home."
"But what if..." I asked.
"We can't go there, Ben. Of course there is risk. Every soldier that has gone over seas has wondered the same thing. It is my duty and I will go. What happens here, back home...will be up to you."
He was right, of course. I need to buck up...because it was not going to be easy for him.
I had a student deferment...but perhaps I could relinquish it and we could go together on the Buddy Plan. Ted forbade it. He said the buddy plan was only good until you had signed on the dotted line and left for boot camp...from there on, it was every soldier for himself.
"No Ben...you will stay here and finish your degree, and I will go to Vietnam. If you are still here when I return...we will try to pick up where we left off...if you will still have me," he stated emphatically. "This is the way it has to be. This is the honest and honorable way it has to be...trust me...I am telling you the truth."
I knew he was telling me the truth...but the thought of being separated from Ted was killing me on the inside.
May 16, 1968
Dear Journal,
Ted left for his unit in Wisconsin this morning. From there, they will start the procedure for going over seas. Mom & Dad went with me to see him off on the train. We shook hands and promised to write and acted the roles we agreed to act in front of my folks. They too shook hands with him...and my mom kissed him and gave him a sack of snacks to take on the train. She cried and it was all that I could do to keep composure...but we had spent the night before in each other's arms and loved...and cried...and loved again. Today...it was my duty to show that I too could be brave. So...as the train pulled out of the station heading north...I drove Ted's old pick up back to the apartment I shared with him...and made plans to return to my father's house until he returned from his tour of duty.
Our land lady hugged me and told me to take all the time I needed to get moved home. It is going to be hard to go forward with Ted gone...but for his sake...I must. The semester at college ends in a couple of weeks. Surely by the end of that time...I can accomplish the task before me. Tired...will write more, later.
BEJ
July 4th, 1968
Dear Journal,
I have had several letters from Ted this week. His unit is in Saigon. He said that the camp in which they are stationed has not seen any enemy fire...but the cooks burned the mess hall down the second night he was there. So much for chow. He writes that he is well but home sick...and his letters are very heart warming. In order to preserve our anonymity...he addresses me as "Little Brother"...and puts his surname after mine on the envelope so no one will be suspicious of our arrangement. We never talked about that before he left...but to let him know that I approve...I have been putting my name on the return address with his surname after it...keeping up the disguise. Actually...I like being his little brother...and when he gets home...I am going to suggest that we combine our last names with a hyphen from now on. I am happy he is well...and although I am a person of some faith...but not a radical like some...I have started praying every night and morning for his safe return.
July 14th, 1968
Dear Journal,
I got a short letter from Ted. He could not tell me where he was stationed...but said that the conditions are not nearly as pleasant as when he arrived in Saigon. He says the temperatures are hot and steamy. The insects evidently are a great concern...and bathing has become a problem. The other night...it poured down rain. The guys in his unit went out into the rain buck ass naked and bathed. He says it is too dangerous to do so by day light. He got the cookies mom sent him...but they had been tumbled so bad in the mail...that they were just pieces and crumbs by the time he got them...never the less...he ate them all...he and his soldier buddies. I am pasting his last letter in my journal.
July 6, 1968
Dear Little Brother,
How I miss you and Mom & Dad. Give my love to them and know that I think of you in school and getting a good education so you can go out and improve the world :-) The cookies Mom sent were wonderful. My buddies say to tell her thanks...and if she wants to send more...they would be much obliged. When I get home...I am never going to complain about the weather again. The chaplain was here last night...and we prayed for peace and an end to the war. I am well enough...considering. Take care of yourself...and tell Mom and Dad that I love them. Love you too...Little Brother.
September 28, 1968
Dear Journal,
I am getting a letter from Ted now about once every two weeks. Classes have resumed at college...but I am having a hard time focusing on them...for concern about where Ted is and how is getting along. One of the professors asked me to stay after class for a minute. She asked if I was feeling ok. I told her my brother was in Vietnam...and I was concerned for his safety. She patted my shoulder and said that that explained the far away look in my eyes during class...and she gave me a copy of her notes for today and for tomorrow. She is very kind...and seems genuinely concerned not only for my well being but for my brother's welfare.
There is a young lady who sat next to me today in class named Lillith Anderson. She is quiet and appears to take excellent notes. She asked if I would like to have a copy of her notes...because evidently she too noticed that I was preoccupied in though. I kindly thanked her...but declined. She told me that if I ever needed them...she would gladly make me copies.
This is unusual because girls have always found my quiet and reserved nature uncomfortable.
I believe she was sincere.
October 6, 1968
Dear Journal,
I got another letter from Ted. Instead of recording what he said...I am just going to glue it into my journal and let it speak for itself.
Dear Little Brother,
Your letter came this morning and cheered me immensely. We have not been getting mail very regular. The last dispatch was sabotaged and the mail sacks were confiscated by the enemy. Evidently after they had read our mail...they burned the mail sacks. Residue was found where they torched them...and that is how we knew they destroyed the mail. They know that if they can break our spirits...the better chance of their winning the conflict. Fortunately this did not happen on this mail call. I still can tell you where I am at...or what we are doing...but the fighting is intense...and there are some nights...that we pray for an early sunrise.
How are Mom and Dad? Tell them I feel their prayers and yours...and I thank them for the letters they have written. The food is not very good here...and I have lost more weight. Our leader says that when we get R & R...he is taking us all to the best restaurant he can find...and fill us up on steak and chocolate pie. Tell Mom thanks for the homemade candy...but do not tell her it was so melted by the time it got to us...that we had to lick the waxed paper she put around it. Ha.
Love you all...especially you ...Little Brother.
Ted
November 30, 1968
Dear journal,
Got another letter from Ted this evening.
Dear Little Brother,
Well I'll be damned...Richard Nixon actually won the election. Now let's see how soon he brings this son-of-a-bitching war to an end. We had a Thanksgiving dinner of sorts here in the field...but I would have bet that the turkey was really some kind of Vietnamese buzzard. It was cold and tough...but it was food. The pumpkin pie was the real McCoy though...and we could have all we wanted. Tell Mom that it was nothing like hers. We are moving to a new location in a day or so...so it may be a while before I can get another letter to you. Have patience with me. Love you Little Brother...and miss you and Mom & Dad more than you will ever know.
Ted
December 18, 1968
Dear Journal,
The weeks have passed slowly...and no letters from Ted since the one in November. He said it would be a while before we heard from him again. Christmas break has started. I have been back home with my parents to save money. Ted sends the money for the apartment and utilities and food...but I have put every penny into the bank for his return. I am still driving his old pick up truck because it keeps him close to me. Dad has been generous with the gasoline money. I got a Christmas Card from Lilith Anderson. She asked me a week or so ago to be her date for her sorority Christmas dance, and I thought why not. She has helped a lot with notes for our class together...and as I have become more acquainted with her...I find that we have a lot of similar interests. She like me...is a bit of a brainy-ach . Although I have no romantic interests in her...she has become a good friend. We have received our second semester class rosters...and this new semester...we have several classes together. Until Ted gets home...she is a pleasant diversion.
December 25, 1968
Dear Journal,
Still no letters from Ted. This is going to be a hard Christmas to celebrate with him over seas and me here at home. Try as I may...it is getting hard to focus on anything except where he might be and is he safe.
January 1st, 1969
Dear Journal,
Ted...where are you?
January 13, 1969
Dear Journal,
Still no letters from Ted. Mom & Dad are worried as we watch the news of the war in Vietnam. They continue to reassure me that he is surely safe and that it takes time to get the mail moving over there. I do not mind telling you...that I am damned worried. I am praying more and more for his safety.
We are back in school and the President Nixon's inauguration has passed. He pledges to end the war and bring the soldiers home. Ted...where are you?
February 2, 1969
Dear Journal,
It has rained here all day. My spirits could not be lower. Lilith has been telling me to have faith...that you, Ted (my friend) are safe...and will surely be home soon. I sure hope she is right. She is so different from any girl I ever knew...and of the few I actually dated. I can say things to her that I could not say to anyone else. As far as she knows... Ted is just a life long friend with whom my family sort of adopted as a proxy family member. If she knew how I really felt about him...she might not want anything further to do with me...and then, maybe not.
I am not any good at trying to second guess someone else's emotion.
February 27, 1969
Dear Journal,
I can not believe that I am about to write this...but I fear the worse. Still no letters from Ted.
Mom and Dad try to reassure me...but I can tell in their faces that they are just as worried as I am. Lilith however, encourages me to have faith. She is such a devote individual. She goes to mass every morning before coming to campus. I do not profess to understand her church's doctrines...but I admire the devotion she has to it...and her ability to be the ever going optimist.
Perhaps my new years resolution should have been to emulate her belief in a positive mental attitude. It would do me no harm...and might do some good. I went to her sorority valentine's dance. The thought went through my mind that I might be the only gay guy there. The thought made me smile so hard that I had cramps in the muscles of my face. Ha.
March 15, 1969
Dear Journal,
Two men in uniform came upon the porch today with an envelope addressed to me. They were very respectful and dignified and advised us that Ted had been killed in the Vietnam War on February 26th. He had listed us as his family and it was to us...they reported his death. Mom and Dad looked at me to see how I would react, but I knew he was gone. I have known it for days. One said he had known Ted in Vietnam and that he was always speaking about his little brother and how much he missed me. They were very kind...and left shortly there after.
I do not know how to convey the loss I feel...but at least I know assuredly that he was not one of the many who were lost and their families never knew their fate. I am not going to say too much more about this at this time dear journal. I need some time to grieve and to come to terms with what has happened.
Dear Ted...
I heard today of your passing...and want you to know that I will never forget the wonderful times we spent together. I will see you again someday by and by...until then...thanks for the love and joy you brought into my life.
Your little brother...Ben