Sunday, January 19 That was a hoot! (Which really sounds like something my mother would say, now that I hear it in my head.) We left early yesterday morning and were on the slopes by 10. I was the only girl on a snowboard, but a couple of the guys were boarders and we basically hung all day. Lunch was on our own in the café at the slope, and by then we were beat, so we all grabbed burgers and drinks and found a table out on the deck, which was cold but not that bad.
We pounded down the burgers in silence, until one of the guys, Nick, I think (I'm losing track of names) finally said, "So... tell me if I'm way off base here, but it's like impossible to think you used to be a guy."
I just nodded, mouth full of food, and finally said, "Yeah, I can't imagine it either." Everyone laughed, and then I said, "Mentally, I think I've always been a girl. I'm just kinda trying to get my outward personal in line with what's inside my head."
One other guy spoke up and said, "If Nick started looking like what's inside his head, it would scare the crap out of you."
We all kinda laughed at that, even me, and I don't know Nick, but Nick just nodded and said, "Yeah, he's got a point. Anyway. You board good, I mean not just for a girl, you board good."
I nodded and mumbled a "thanks" in between bites.
Father Bernie wandered along. He'd been hanging out at the lodge with a cell phone and "9-1-" already dialed in, and asked how we were doing, and we all just nodded and grunted thru burgers and said it was a perfect day for snow.
But, I'm getting ahead of myself...
Ms. Vaderwater wandered over and a couple of the girls sat down at our table. Ms. V reminded everyone to hydrate and wear sunscreen cuz, well, amazingly enuf you can get sunburned on the slopes. Plus, I've got that freckly face pale skin that burns a lot. The girls were brazenly flirting with the boys, and the boys were simultaneously lapping it up and ignoring them. It was fun to watch.
Ms. V came over and sat by me and asked me how I was doing. I told her, "Fine, I'm having a great time, and I'm sorry I'm the only girl boarder out here, but the guys are really friendly."
"You've snowboarded out here before?" she asked.
"Oh yeah, Ms. V. I've been snowboarding since I was little. This isn't my regular slope but I've been here before. My Dad was a snowboarder, before he died. He taught me."
"Oh. I'm sorry. I hope ....."
"Nah, it's OK. It's been a while. I miss him, but I've learned to deal with it."
"Do you have male relatives nearby? I mean, strong male figures in your life?"
My spidey-sense was going off big time. Dr. Strange and I had this conversation a few times, how some people seem to think that gender dysphoria may come from lack of strong male figures I the house. It's bullshit but still... I decided to ... stretch the truth a bit to give her what she wanted to hear. "Yeah, Ms. V, I've got a couple of uncles and the male teachers at my school have been great. I've had a lot of `safety net' to fall back on." I decided not to tell her about my terribly botched attempts at boy scouts and little league.
Ms. V seemed to be... well... what's the word? Mollified?
Anyway, just then, the guys came to my rescue by jumping up and yelling something about getting to the top of the slope before the afternoon-ers came in. I thanked Ms. V. for her concern and went running -- being sure to look as much like a girl when I ran away from Ms. V. as humanly possible.
That evening, we were all bundled up and hauled to the lodge where, true to predictions, the girls (me included!!!) tossed sleeping bags and pillows on the floor in the loft. We all took turns in the two-and-a-half baths getting to some semblance of "normal", changing any wet clothes and changing boots for sneakers. I'm surprised no one burned out the one and only hair dryer. Supper was massive amounts of comfort food (a couple of the parents had been cooking stew and cobbler all afternoon) and then we piled down around the fireplace to uniform, mutual exhaustion.
Most of the kids were older than me, so conversations wandered in the direction of "what do you want to do when you graduate?" That kinda led to a conversation about what everyone's parents did and following in family expectations and shit. Finally it wandered around to me, and one of the guys said, "Hey, Christy, you're the newbie in this group.
Tells us about you. What do you want to do when you get older? What do your parents do?" Someone elbowed him and whispered, "her dad's dead" which really brought down the mood.
I said, "Nah, it's cool. It's been several years. I've dealt with it. He and Mom both were in finance. She still is. Well, he was in the Navy first when they met."
"Cool. What did he do?"
I said, "You ever see Top Gun? You know Goose, the guy who sits in the back seat behind Maverick? He did that for a while and then went into Navy Intelligence. I dunno too much about that part of his life."
"So you want to go in the Navy?"
"Huh... nah, but I would like to learn to fly, which scares the crap out of my Mom every time I say that. Anyway, I've been thinking about law, really. My granddad was a lawyer. I've spent a lot of time messing around with lawyers and such cuz of the estate and whatever. So, yeah... that."
The conversation drifted along like that for a while and then one of the parents said that maybe it was getting close to lights out (or at least lights dim). The girls all wandered up to the loft and took turns in the bathroom changing into sweats to sleep. I lay down on my sleeping bag but didn't crawl in just yet because it was pretty warm in the loft.
Brenda threw her sleeping bag down next to mine and we turned to face each other. "You handled yourself great down there."
"I get a lot of therapy."
She laughed and said, "Yeah, maybe all of us need that."
After a pause, she said, "Were you OK hanging with the guys today?"
I said, "Yeah, I'm sorry there weren't any girl boarders, but the guys were cool, but I'd really like to have hung with you girls."
"You didn't miss much. We actually kinda broke up once we got on the slopes. Caroline is a bunny, so she never got very far up the slope.
The rest of us except Kristen are intermediates at best and so we just sorta tired ourselves out. Kristen wants to be a ski patrol type. Hey, you ought to talk to her. She's the best skier I know. Anyway, you've been snowboarding a long time, right?"
"Yeah. My Dad taught me. I'm totally double diamond. They guys actually almost got hurt trying to keep up cuz they didn't want to get shown up by a girl. I'm glad none of them got hurt, `cept maybe their pride."
"That's funny". Then we both sorta passed out at the same time.
We woke up this morning to the smell of waffles and sausage. OMG!! I ate like 5000 calories of the stuff. I was bloated. Everyone was bloated.
All of the girls laughed about looking pregnant. The game plan was a late breakfast then a late morning ski to maybe 1 and then bundle up and head home, with maybe a stop for fast food along the way. Everyone was sore, so the skiing went slower and everyone was ready to pile into the awaiting SUV's at 1:30. We hit a taco bell on the way home and cleaned them out of stuff that'll make us fart all night, and I was home on my sofa covered with blankets by 4pm. Mom asked about dinner and I said whatever was leftover in the fridge or maybe just some ice cream. Sigh.
So that was all about yesterday and today, which were kinda the high points of my week. Most things went the way most things went. Drama club talked about the play a little bit and handed out scripts and said there would be auditions but I said I was cool with just doing sets and tech. Carlos, on the other hand, was adamant about being in a lead role, so I told him we could read together and prep. Thursday we went to see Ms. Hargrove. I told her about my week and my Christmas and the upcoming ski trip and she asked me if I had any further questions about my sexuality and I said no. I like boys. There's a boy who likes me. We fit together nicely, thank you very much.
Then she wanted to know about my orgasms. I explained to her about how I enjoyed the occasional "menage a one" which was fine and how I used my pillow and imagined it was a guy. She just nodded. Then she asked me about anal stuff. I told her yes, I'd been using the anal massager and a penis-shaped vibrator and after a bit of practice, was really, really comfortable with it. But, I said, I know this is just a substitute and I don't feel like I can really go into a place where I'm totally enjoying it...
She said, "In the BDSM world, it's called the subspace'. One way of looking at it is when your partner is completely in charge and you can just go off into never never land of enjoyment. It's difficult to do that in... what did you call it, a menage-a-one'? Where did you ever ear that by the way? That's cute."
"Yes, Ms. Hargrove, somewhere on the internet." She frowned at that, like maybe the internet was her competition. "Well, like I say, be careful.
I paused for a bit and then said, "Ms. Hargrove, Monday's my birthday.
We're going have a little party and such, but next week sometime, I was kinda hoping that, well, Carlos could give me a very special birthday present."
"Ahhh... well... now I understand. Look, Christy, sex with an actual partner is wonderful, but can be very different. For one, you're talking about sensitive areas of your body. When you're masturbating back there, you are in control and you know when you're feeling pain or sensitivity. When you're with a partner, you have to remind him to be very, very gentle. Also, from a practical perspective, you'll need to use LOTS of lube. You'll want to do an enema shortly before, a couple of times, to get really cleaned out. Even with that, you'll need to clean up afterwards, and if there is ANY hint of blood at all, you have to stop and get help. I'm not here to encourage you to do this, but I am here to make sure if you cross this line, you're safe. Is your boyfriend a virgin?"
"Yeah, I mean... yeah."
"Why the hesitation?"
"He'd had a couple of boyfriends before, but they never went very far with it."
"So he's never....?"
"Nope."
"OK. So this is new territory for both of you. Remember. Slow.
Gentle. Don't think you have to set any records on the first try."
"Yes, Ma'am."
With that, my hour was over. Mom was out in the lobby to pick me up.
Ms. Hargrave walked out to the lobby with me, something she rarely does, and smiled at Mom. She said, "Your little girl is growing up."
Mom just nodded and said, "Yes, too fast. Faster than I was at her age."
Ms. Hargrave said, "That's not unusual for transgendered girls. They have a lot of pent-up `girl-ness' and often they rush right past the goal line."
They both sighed, like I wasn't even in the room.
So that's how my week went. Oh, and the sisterwives were all excited about my party next Monday night, so there's that.