Sunday, February 2
"Dear Diary...." LOL. Whenever I write this, I'm always tempted to start this way.
I had a very weird week. Boring as hell, but weird. First things first, last week, Dr. Strange changed my prescription and gave me some booster injections. (I'm not sure what. I've really got to do a better job of keeping track of what needles he's sticking in my ass.) Anyway, like IMMEDIATELY (ok, the next day) my boobies started feeling different. Not much, cuz there's still not much there, but more of a constant itch than an ache. I told Bri about it, and she said I was prolly having a growth spurt. She said it happened to her when she was like 11 or so.
Anyway, the weather sucks around here in January and February, but at least we could go ski-ing and I got to wear all my cute new ski clothes. Other than that, school sucked continuously.
This is all out of order, but Thursday I went to see Ms. Hargrove again and I told her all the nitty gritty about last week's "date" with Carlos and how I can't get him out of my mind and I feel like his property but in a good way. She just nodded as I told her the whole story, trying to remember all of it because, well, my mind was kinda a blur for a lot of it. After a while, she asked me what I knew about "dominance" and "submission".
I told her, "I mean, I've heard of it. I read 50 Shades, and we snuck in to see the movie, a group of us girls. Is that what you mean?"
"Christy, 50 Shades is a very poor representation of what dominance and submission is all about. I don't know that there's a good movie out there, although in some ways, Exit to Eden was actually pretty good. A lot of people -- not just women -- find themselves in a position of power sharing, where they give themselves over to someone who dominates them, and feel a certain owner/master relationship to the dominant. Are you following me?"
I just nodded.
"It's not uncommon among male-to-female transgender'd women, although usually I would see it in older women, for whom part of the transition process was rebelling against the power they felt as men and seeking the submissive role they might find in a stereotypical female position."
Again, all I could do was just nod.
"I'm not saying that all male-to-female trans women are submissive, far from it. It's just that I've seen it often in older trans women. Not younger though. You're becoming an interesting test subject."
I tried to laugh. Me. A test subject. "Ms. Hargrave, I'm not sure I'm ready for all of this. I have enough crazy in my life already. What you're telling me is a whole new layer of crazy.
"No, no, no, Christy. Put that out of your head. Crazy has nothing to do with it, or with you for that matter. You're a perfectly normal girl, given the circumstances. In fact, I'm amazed sometimes at how well you're adapting to your changing life and growing up. I'm just saying that you're manifesting some characteristics that put you in a submissive role, and you're attaching yourself, emotionally, to Carlos as a dominant figure in your sex life. The dominant figure, for that matter."
"OK. So what does this all mean?"
"Well, for one, you're 15 and he's, what, almost 17. Huh... sounds like a song from Sound of Music. Anyway, what happens if he goes off to school in a year and a half?"
I just sat there. A cold wave ran thru me. I couldn't imagine Carlos going off away from me. I couldn't imagine not seeing him on a regular basis. "I'm not sure how I'd react to that, Ms. Hargrave, but that's a year and a half from now. I guess I'll deal with it when it comes."
"That's the spirit, Christy. We just have to deal with this. Now, you and he need to be careful and safe. He doesn't have any other partners, does he?"
"I don't think so, Ms. Hargrave. I mean, I think I'm the only one he's seeing."
"And you?"
"No."
"OK, so you have a nice, monogamous relationship, albeit with some dominance and submission overtones. You and I are going to have to talk about this more as your relationship matures."
"Matures?"
"What happens when the two of you get bored? That's one of the fascinating things about D/S relationships, as they're called. They tend to progress into other modes of expression."
"Modes of expression? What do you mean?"
"Well, 50 Shades wasn't a very good story, but at least it did illustrate that emotional release comes from a variety of power sharing exercises. You're already experiencing submission to him through the mode of your sexual intercourse and your experience with it. You may find other forms. Discipline, for example?"
"Violence?"
"Well, spanking, for one. Bondage. Humiliation. These are all power sharing manifestations. I'm not suggesting you do these, but I am noting that some people in your shoes start heading that direction to keep things... well.... Interesting?"
Again, just nodding.
"Has he ever spanked you?"
I shook my head, but was suddenly shivering at the thought of him paddling my bottom. Not a bad shiver, but a good one. I was kinda drifty for the rest of the session, and she could probably tell that. We didn't talk about much more, but I left in a fog thinking about Carlos turning me over his knee and pulling down my underwear and paddling me. I almost walked into a wall thinking about it.
When I got back out to the waiting room, Mom was completely engrossed in reading the news on her phone. I asked her what was the matter, and she mumbled something about having a client in China and him having problems flying to the U.S. something about a virus or something. Mom said that on the way home, we were going to do some grocery shopping, which was weird because normally that's the sort of thing she does while I'm at school. When we got to the store, she grabbed a buggy and told me to grab one, too. She started filling up both buggies with really interesting staples -- toilet paper (do I poop this much?) and big packages of paper towels and stuff with a long shelf life, like dried beans and rice and powdered milk and shit. It got me really kinda nervous.
When we got home I called Carlos and we just talked about everything and nothing for a while. I was just glad to hear his voice. I hinted that I wanted to see him soon, and he said maybe we could run out to the golf course on Saturday. I told him I liked that idea, and I'd see him in school tomorrow.
That night, I was on the internet constantly reading stuff about S&M. I learned about something called "topping from the bottom" and downloaded the movie The Secretary. It was all really confusing, but I could see myself in her role, trying (unsuccessfully) to convince a boyfriend to discipline her. Friday morning, I saw Bri (all of the other Sisterwives were busy) and I pulled her aside. I asked her straight out if she and Randi had "done the deed" yet and she said "what do you mean by `the deed'?"
Huh... well, maybe I don't know. "You tell me."
"Ahhh... let's call us 2nd base and occasionally trying to steal third."
My vague lack of understanding of baseball metaphors as they apply to lesbian sex left me with looking like puppy.
"Why?"
"OK, is one of you like the `top' in your relationship?"
"You mean like does one of us initiate?"
"Yeah, like does one of you take the boy role and one the girl?"
"You know absolutely nothing about lesbian sex, do you?"
"No, I mean, yeah..."
"All right, it's kinda mutual, but maybe she's a bit more... aggressive... (?) than I am."
"So, if something feels good, how do you get her to do it?"
"You've lost me, Christy. How about spill it. What do you want Carlos to do that he's not already doing?"
I just stared at her.
"C'mon. Spill."
"My therapist things maybe I'm kinda into being dominated. What if I wanted Carlos to, you know... spank me."
"Girl!"
"Thanks. That's the nicest thing you've called me in a while."
"OK. Bitch!!!"
"There's the Bri I know and love."
"Damn, girl, now you want me to play madam to you two leather-clad love birds."
"It's not like that... well... maybe..."
"When are you going to see him again?"
"Saturday. I mean, yeah I'll see him today, but we're going out Saturday."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"NOOO! Like fuck no! He'll think I'm crazy."
"You ARE crazy, Christy, not let's focus on some kind of crazy that he likes, too."
Just then, everyone started heading into class. Bri and I grabbed our seats and every few minutes, she would look at me and just start giggling uncontrollably.
Saturday morning, Carlos came by. Mom seemed completely focused on other things -- for all the world like she was turning our house into some kind of nest. We told Mom we were going shopping (now I have to buy something -- I wonder if the golf course pro shop sells ear rings?) and we headed out in Carlos' car. (Technically his Dad's car. Note to self -- I want a BMW when I grow up.)
Small talk and hand holding, it took about 30 minutes to get to the golf course but it seemed like five. We held hands looking like a pair of silly kids (duh...). Carlos locked the door in the private room, and when he turned around, I grabbed him and pulled him down on top of me on the bed. For longer than I can remember we just made out and I was in Heaven.
I got my courage up, and decided to try a little experiment. I stood next to the bed, and pulled Carlos to a sitting pose on the edge of the bed. I put on some music (nice of the club to have a blue-tooth speaker in the room!) and started doing my best impression of a little strip tease. He seemed to enjoy what he was seeing, and leaned back on the bed to watch. Once I was down to just bra and panties, I smiled, danced over to his right side, turned, and lay down on his lap, my ass pointed up to the sky. In the position I was in, it was handy to reach down and caress his left leg. He seemed to get the message, and started caressing my legs and my bottom with one hand and my back with the other.
After a moment of this, Carlos took both hands and slowly pulled my panties down just to my thighs. With his left hand, he held me down to his legs (as if I was going anywhere!) and with his right hand, laid a swift slap to my naked ass cheeks.
I thought I was going to have an orgasm right then and there! I started shivering, and could feel his cock getting rock hard under me. At the same time, I was overjoyed that he was getting the message, and that this was going somewhere.
He didn't pound away long -- just a few slaps to leave my ass nice and stingy-sore. When he took a break, I slid down off his lap onto my knees and reached up to feel his cock thru his jeans. I looked up in his eyes, and he just smiled and nodded. At that point, I knew his cock belonged in my mouth, and nothing would give me more pleasure than that. I unfastened his belt and zipper, and he sprang out of his boxers like a rock made of warm meat. I began slowly licking him and enjoying some of the pre-cum, but he took my head in his hands and guided me to engulf him with my mouth. I went completely into a daze, and his cock and my mouth became one. Before long (time passed so quick!) I felt him vibrating, and then spasming, and then his warm cum spewed in my mouth. I swallowed without missing a beat and kept him in my mouth as he slowly receded and softened. When he did, I just laid my head on his lap, and let him caress my hair and tell me what a wonderfully good girl I'd been.
I've been in a complete fog since then. I can barely write all of this, and my hands are still shaking. Part of me is afraid of what I'm finding out about myself, and part of me just wants to curl up in his lap like a little kitten. All I know is that I'm a different girl than I was a week ago.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I'll see him, at least at lunch. Will I be able to contain myself?