Wednesday , September 18
Mom was right -- I really can feel my fingernails strengthening with the nail gloss. My nails feel different, all the time, and no one knows I'm wearing it.
The week went normally -- slowly and boring. Brianne and I got into a gossip contest about Emma-Brunette and were trying to guess who her secret boyfriend was. Turns out, we were both wrong, and she was seeing a 10th grader on the track team named Eric.
Jason goes to another school, so I only see him sometimes when he comes over with Aunt Lilly. After Dad died, when I was 6, Aunt Lilly and Mom became super close, and so Jason, who was 8 then, was over a lot, particularly in the summer. We used to camp out together in the backyard when he was like 12 and I was 10. It wasn't really camping, cuz I really don't like the woods and stuff, but Jason had a tent and we thought it might be fun to sleep in the backyard. We stayed up really late and ate a bunch of junk food and told ghost stories. Jason matured really fast, and I didn't realize it at the time but when he was 14, the last time we camped like that, I swear I think I heard him beating off (is that what they call it?) in his sleeping bag after he thought I was asleep. I was really fascinated by it. I wished I could see him do it, just out of pure curiosity. Later, I saw some porn on-line and saw a guy beating off and a girl watching him. He shot off on her, and she acted like she enjoyed it. I tried to imagine what it would be like getting hit with flying boy stuff. It didn't seem like so much fun. Later, I saw videos of girls giving blowjobs to guys. That seemed like a lot more fun. One woman had a whole series of BJ videos where she usually swallowed the boy stuff. She smiled afterwards, and seemed to really enjoy it. Later, she also did some videos where she did anal sex, and the look on her face was really amazing.
Wow.... TMI... even for my diary...
I hope no one ever reads this and thinks I'm some kind of pervert. I don't watch porn all the time. Maybe like once a month or so. It doesn't make me horny. Heck, I'm not even sure what `horny' is. It's just fascinating and makes me wonder how the girls feel.
So, Tuesday evening, Mom told me Jason and Aunt Lilly were coming over for dinner Wednesday night. I hadn't seen Jason since maybe Labor Day, so I was pretty nervous about that. I'd been hanging out in girl mode' at home after school every day. I wasn't wearing any makeup around the house, except lipstick, but was usually in my swimsuit in the afternoon (Mom hadn't winterized the pool yet, thankfully) and then changing into shorts and a t-shirt or the boyfriend shirt' pajamas we'd bought.
So, Mom said, "How do you want to handle Jason?"
"What do you mean, `handle' Jason?"
"He's your best friend, Christy. You grew up with him. Are you ready to tell him that you're going thru a change, or do you want to do Wednesday dinner as a boy?"
Wow... I hadn't thought about that. Jason's always realized I was...well... `girly'. In fact, he's said so, not to be mean, but just as a fact. Could he handle me in girl clothes? What would he say? Would he reject me outright? This could really be a scene.
"What do you think, Mom?"
"Plan to wear something nice and girly, but not over-the-top. Put on makeup and that cute yellow sundress so there's no confusing you for a boy. Let Aunt Lilly and I break the news to him before they come over, so there's no surprise. When they get here, wait in your room and let him see you come down the staircase."
So, I played along. Wednesday afternoon, I tried to hide my nervousness. I swam some more (swimming was becoming my emotional release) and spent probably an hour getting ready for them to arrive. I made sure my makeup was as perfect as I could get it. I put on one of my white bralette and white panties so nothing would show thru the thin, short sundress. I even used the tucking tape that Martha had given me, even though I knew no one would see under my dress, but I figured I should go all the way. I debated wearing the wedges, and finally just settled on a cute pair of flats. They got here about 5 and I could hear Mom and Aunt Lilly and Jason talking downstairs. Finally, after the longest 5 minutes in history, Mom called me downstairs.
I came down the stairs and had a vision of Emma Watson as Hermoine in one of the Harry Potter movies coming down the stairs for the Ball. I saw Jason, and couldn't help but smile, both happy to see him and embarrassed wondering what he thought about me. He smiled and said, "That's exactly what I pictured.
"Thank you," I said, "but.... Huh?"
"Chris, or Christy is it now? I always figured you were more girl than boy. When your Mom and my Mom told me about this, I wasn't surprised. Or maybe I was surprised at how long it took for you to come out."
"Well, I'm not out' yet. On top of us four, there are like two other people who know about this, and one of them is my doctor. So out' may not be the best word for it."
Mom jumped in and said, "Whatever, kids. You two go down to the basement playroom and catch up, while Lilly and I make dinner."
Jason and I headed downstairs, turned the TV onto something mindless, and he started in with a thousand questions. "When did you start?"
I told him about how I'd been dressing in Becky and Mom's clothes for a couple of years, but really mostly since Becky had left for school.
He asked, "So, I always kinda figured you were more into guys than girls, but wow, this is really a change. Are you dating a guy? Does he know?"
"Woah, partner! You're getting w--a-a-a-a ahead of the game. First, I don't have a guy'. Second, no one knows outside of us and my doctor and the lady who's helping me buy girl things. Even Becky doesn't know." And then I explained to him the difference between sexual orientation and gender, but told him that, yes, I was probably more into guys than girls, but I didn't even get horny', if I really understood what that meant. I was curious as hell, and probably one day would want to experiment, but I was still trying to figure out how to be a girl, and not how to make girl plumbing work. "Plus," I said, "I don't think any of the girls I know have lost their `v-cards' yet. Some are probably getting pretty close, if you know what I mean, but I'm sure not anywhere near the front of the line."
"OK," he said. "That's cool. I'm still your buddy, and let me know what I can do to help."
"You have always been like my best friend, Jason, and I know I can count on you. You're very sweet. Just be patient with me." With that, I'm not sure what I was thinking, but impulsively I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.
He laughed and said, "I didn't see THAT coming!"
"Look," I said, "Don't take this the wrong way, and maybe I don't mean anything by it, but I suddenly want to sit closer to you. Can I? Do you mind?"
He thought about it for a bit, and then reached out, and put his arm around my shoulders, and scooted me across the sofa to sit next to him. I leaned my head back against his chest, and we watched something meaningless on TV until Mom and Aunt Lilly called down for us to come upstairs for dinner.
Dinner was meaningless chatter. Aunt Lilly owns a small boutique clothing store, and business was good. However, we were financially a lot better off than she was. I never really thought about that, but she and Jason lived in an apartment while we owned two houses (one huge one here, one smaller one at the beach). I guess you could say Mom was rich, and when Dad died, I understand he left a lot of insurance. I've never really known all the details, but other than managing some real estate investments, Mom doesn't work. She helps Lilly out with her clothing store occasionally, but that's just cuz she's bored stiff all the time. I never really knew how they knew each other, but I think maybe they were college roommates or something.
Anyway, Lilly and Jason left, and Lilly gave me a hug, and I hugged Jason really tight and he hugged back. Lilly and Mom gave each other a glance, whatever that meant, and I headed off to the kitchen to help Mom load the dishwasher.
Mom said, "I've got this. You go on and get ready for bed. You've got a blood test in the morning at 7am and then school."
I headed to my bedroom for what was becoming my night routine. I would peal down to my underwear and remove any makeup with a makeup remover sponge. Then moisturize thoroughly, brush my hair and teeth, and pull on something comfie to sleep -- usually just a sleep camisole. I was always peeing like a girl now, sitting, so other than necessary bathing I paid little attention to my boy--bulge. However, as I was getting ready for bed, I couldn't help but notice an itch down there. I had to look and couldn't hold back a scream. Mom was just down the hall by that point, and came running in.
"What's wrong? Are you OK?" She asked.
I could barely hold back the sniffles. "I... I... I ... saw a pubic hair. Just one, but it scared me. Does this mean...?"
She cut me off, "By itself, it doesn't mean anything, but I'm sure whatever it is, it will pop up in the blood work tomorrow and we can talk about it with Dr. Preston on Monday. I've made an appointment for late afternoon Monday, so you'll have a full day of school before we go."
"That's five days from now! I'll be a basket case worrying. I can't turn into a full-grown boy! I just can't!"
Mom came over and hugged me tight. "Even if we let it happen, it wouldn't happen that fast. You're going to be OK. I'm sure there's something Dr. Preston can do to help. I've been reading up on this, and there are some sort of puberty blockers he can give you to set all this aside until you and he can clarify your gender identity."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm pretty sure. Now, you get a good nights sleep, and we'll talk in the morning."
Pretty sure' sucked. I wrote out all of this diary entry before I went to bed, and it calmed me down just writing what a nice night I'd had with Jason. Hell, it was almost like a date'.
That made me smile.