This story is about a young man's quest to fix a major birth defect--he was born without a penis. On his quest he meets his soul mate and many other soon to be friends.
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Chapter 11--The Truth Doesn't Hurt
At Chris and Tom entered the hotel lobby. "Boys, over here," the sound bounced off the marble floors. Izzy was standing and waving a large floral scarf by a circle of chairs. It was obvious her son was embarrassed because he pretended not to notice her. Tom and Chris walked over to her.
"So nice to see you again boys," She turned as three people stood up from their chairs. "This is my son Steve, his wife Stephanie," "Stephy, please," the young woman interjected. "And their daughter Martha."
Chris and Tom shook hands with each and exchanged pleasantries. Stephy was a petite woman in her mid-thirties, brown hair and eyes, and an ordinary face. The face, however, was alight with warm and expressive charm that made people comfortable. Steve took Chris by surprise. He had a roundish face, slight balding and a neatly trimmed beard. He was taller than Chris by an inch or two and had a firm athletic build. Unless Izzy had told him, Chris would never suspect that he was trans.
"Are we really going in a limousine?" Martha asked with an excitement found in puppies and your girls. Tom nodded assent. "Cool, way cool." Martha looked at her mother, "Taking pictures so I can show Coleen. She didn't believe me." With the last her face fell into a frown the edged a pout. She looked up and gave Tom and Chris a studied stare. "You're both models, cool. Coleen going to be pissed." She studied Tom a little longer, "I think I've seen you. Did you do a Beyoncé video?" "Yes, a couple of years ago. Did you like the video?" "No," she firmly replied, "I prefer 1D. Harry's cute."
Tom interrupted Martha, "The limo is waiting, and we have reservations."
Martha looked at Chris, "You'll be my date tonight and Tom can be Gran's."
"Why me and not Tom. He has done music videos. I'm not famous."
"I like you better," she answered as if that was enough explanation. "You're closer to my height and have pretty eyes."
"Well then Ms. Guzman how can I refuse such a charming lady to grace my arm."
Martha giggled, "You're funny." Chris held out an arm, which Martha took with every attempt at sophistication.
"Ms. Guzman," Tom held out his arm for Izzy, "shall we go dine?"
Izzy laughed warmly and hit his hand with a fan she carried. "You're funny."
Chris looked at Martha as they headed toward the limo and thought of his sister at age ten and how he missed her so much.
Martha looked up at Chris and saw his lost eyes. "Don't worry Chris, you can have Tom back after tonight."
Chris looked at Martha and gave a large smile, "Tonight, I am all yours and Tom would need to fight me for you tonight. I will challenge him to a duel."
Martha grasped Chris's arm tighter, "You're funny. I'm happy you're my date."
It was early on a Wednesday evening and David and Buster's was not overrun with screaming teens and obnoxious adults. Martha was bouncing and giggling and whispering into Chris's ear. Chris would whisper back and Martha would giggle.
"I think you have lost Chris," Stephy remarked to Tom.
"Just like a pair of teenage girls." Tom replied and stopped short with a sudden realization that Chris was physically a teenage girl. Despite the jeans and the prosthetic, Chris was still a girl. Chris had caught his comment and the sudden panic on Tom's face. Martha also caught the sudden silence as the entire table realized what Tom said.
"Why is everyone quiet?" she asked.
"Tom said something so stupid that it surprised everyone." Chris smiled sweetly at Tom.
"What did he say?"
"He said we were acting like two teenage girls."
"I'm only ten and not a teenager." She paused. "Oh, you're not a girl." She scowled at Tom.
"No, I am not!" Chris said heat in his voice.
"Well, I know you are not a girl," she said with conviction. She looked at her father for support, who winked at her. "Cool, you're like Daddy. You're a girl who needs to be a boy."
Shocked, Chris mumbled "yes."
"I know all about that, my Daddy told me a long time ago when he explained I was adopted. I like be chosen than an accident like Brittany." She smiled at her parents, who beamed proudly back. "He said it was like me putting dresses on my Ken doll. He's boy and does not like it except for fun. He said he was like my Ken doll except someone dressed him as Barbie. That's wrong and needed to be stop."
"You Dad is right. And I am being freed from my Barbie." Chris gave Martha a small kiss on the cheek.
"That's rad. I like you better as a boy." She smiled. "Otherwise, you couldn't be my date."
The food arrived and conversation returned to a normal flow of Martha and school, Izzy's new novel, Chris's new career. Everything was comfortable, but Chris kept glancing at Steve wondering what he looked like as a woman. Occasionally, Steve caught the glance and smiled with encouragement and support.
"Stop that!" Martha said as she swatted Chris's fork away from her tower desert. "But I'm your date," Chris whined back, "dates share." Martha stuck out a very blue tongue acquired from a blue beverage with gummy worms. Stephy frowned at Martha. Martha quickly grabbed Chris's hand, "Wanna play some games?"
"I think Chris would like to talk to your father," Stephy quickly intercepted. "Maybe Tom will play games with you?"
"I think that would be grand." Tom replied.
"But Chris is my date," a pout y whine from Martha.
"No whining, it is not lady-like. I'm sure Chris will not mind if you play with someone else."
Chris looked at Martha, "It's fine. I think you might be able to beat Tom." Martha nodded.
"I think I will join you; I need to move after that large meal," Stephy said and rose to join Tom and Martha as they disappeared into the game room.
An awkward silence descended upon the table. Finally, Steve said, "How far along are you with your transition? It looks like you've had the mastectomy. Have you started hormone treatment?"
"I had the breast done about two months ago. My doctor thought it prudent and feasible because they were small. I am scheduled to start hormone therapy next week, but with going to New York tomorrow. I don't know." Chris huffed a sigh of frustration. "Although Tom says there are excellent reassignment surgeons in New York."
"You were fortunate to have small breast. Mine were ample, Right Mom?"
"Definitely enough for boys to notice."
"36D and perky." Steve smiled at Chris, "Pity I didn't like them." Steve did a swipe across his chest. "Ripped those puppies off as soon as the doctor said I could."
"I could hide mine under a tube top with barely a pucker," Chris laughed, it felt good to laugh about this, "Guess I was lucky there. But my first period--suicide."
Steve look became very serious "Suicide? Thoughts or attempts?"
"It was not like I didn't know that eventually I would have the curse. But until then I could pretend I was male, but then the blood and the cramps. I could not escape this aspect of my body no matter what my mind said." Chris trembled as he remembered the experience. Izzy surreptitiously placed her hand on Chris's. "Mom's sleeping pills and Dad's whiskey." Chris looked at Steve expecting revulsion, but what he saw was understanding. "Mom found me and the two bottles. Forced me to puke and took me to the doctor." Chris paused. "It seemed like the only option. Stupid me." Another pause as he remembered the look on his mother's face concern, worry, and confusion. "I went to a psychiatrist for four months. What an ass. Tried to probe my relationship with my father and blame him for my gender disassociation. Said I needed to dress like a girl all the time, develop female habits like cooking and gardening. I wanted to puke even more. Told me all the wonderful things I could experience as a woman--marriage and children being the top of the list."
"Many male doctors are very insensitive." Izzy commented.
"That is the fucking irony of it. My doc was a woman. A prissy, fussy, anal retentive bitch." Chris took a deep draft of ice tea. "I have never hated anyone as much as her. She had her theories, and I was to fit in." Chris took another drink.
"So, you told your parents eventually. Because that kind of therapy does not work and the next time your suicide would be successful."
"I was over suicide. I knew what I was and that my body did not mesh. I was going to change my body even if I had to do it myself. So, I told my parents." Chris gave a cold laugh. "It did not go well." Steve looked at Chris waiting. "They kicked me out." Chris gaze was at his spoon. He twirled it nervously.
"Christmas, barefoot and without a coat." Izzy added.
"That is child abuse." Steve growled, horrified. "Did you report them to DCF?"
"Never occurred to me. But what would that gain? I still had the gender issue that I," Chris gave the word I extra emphasis. "had to live with and correct. I lived on the street until I met Tom." A flush filled Chris's face at the thought of Tom--his savior but so much more.
I'm so, so sorry Chris." Steve's voice was soft and gentle. "I am so fortunate that my parents were supportive from the beginning." Steve turned to Izzy and smiled with deep love. "It still was not easy."
"God no," interrupted Izzy. "at three he had a fit refusing to wear this beautiful dress I bought him for his birthday party. He threw it on the ground and stomped on it yelling, `Me not a girl, no dress, pants'" Izzy gave a hearty laugh and put a hand on Steve's. "We survived." "Yes we did," Steve murmured.
"How long ago did you transition?" Chris asked.
"About 12 years ago. The year after I married Stephy."
"She knew about your transitioning?"
"Of course. I could not have done it without her or my mother."
"She is remarkable."
"Yes, very." Steve gave Chris a very broad smile. "You need someone. Will you have Tom?"
"I think so, but."
"You seem very happy and compatible. How many years have you been together?"
Chris gave a study laugh and looked at Izzy and she laughed. "Five."
"Five years?"
"No," another laugh, "five days."
"No shit, five days." Steve shook his head in disbelief. "Just five days. You look and act far more comfortable together than five days."
"From streets to Tom and now to New York. It just turns a girl's head." A Southern drawl ended the statement. "I'm freaked out by the whole thing, but it does seem right. And he is supportive."
"You'll need that."
"Is it tough? I mean I researched the clinical side. The hysterectomy, using my clitoris to form part of the phallus, fake balls, etc. My doctor assured me that I would have a functioning penis with the ability to enjoy penetration."
"All that is true. My surgery was more complex than today's with more realistic results. Stephy seldom complains because I have more stamina than most men. Don't go soft until I say." Steve looked at Izzy. "Don't look embarrassed. You pumped me for information for one of your books." Steve looked at Chris, "My Mom, a gay porn queen. Try telling your friends that. It makes my transition seem tame." He laughed again.
"She arranged this visit so I could talk to you, so I hardly consider her naive about anything." Chris looked at Izzy who waved her hand before her face like a Southern belle with a fan. "Have you read any of her books? Steamy is mild."
"I started one and then stopped, too embarrassed to continue. Now, if it were a man and a woman. I'd devour them all."
Chris sat silent for a while thinking. "Was it all worth it?"
"Yes and no." Steve opened his palms toward Chris is doubt. "Ultimately it was, but the process was long, painful, and emotionally draining. First, they play with your hormones from estrogen to testosterone. The testosterone I think rewired my brain as more masculine. I am more aggressive, got acne, and an increased sex drive, and facial and other body hair." Steve stroked his face. "I need to shave, not daily but it is still shaving. This beard took me about a year."
"None of that seems too terrible, except the acne."
"None of that is. The hormone therapy was more of a challenge for Stephy than me because I did not see it. I was an emotional roller coaster for the year before my surgery. I would bounce between belligerent, moody, sulky, loquacious, crying. And then combine that with the surgeries. I had three for a complete transition. Some men do not do a complete transition for that reason." Steve looked earnestly into Chris's eyes. "After the surgery and I healed, I was ecstatic. I would no longer need to hide my gender, and Stephy and my sex life was never better. Stephy is more heterotrophic, and sex with a woman never was that satisfying. As a man, she felt herself again. It was perfect, until, about six months after the surgery I was looking at myself in the mirror admiring the maleness I saw. Then this strange thought seized me. I felt a fraud. A person in a costume. I was still a woman now dressed in a man's body. I have all the appearance of a man, but it was only an outward manifestation. I panicked. I thought by the surgery my internal image of myself would correspond to the outward. Had I wasted all the money, pain, and emotional distress for me and Stephy. I called Mom. She was her usual helpful self. She said, "Did you think surgery would erase biology. The surgery did not change XY to XX. You must accept that part of you make it part of the new you.' Of course, I initially ignored her." "Like usual," added Izzy with a tender smile. "But she was right. It took time and effort, but gradually the her/him of me is merging into just me." Steve took Chris's hands. "I am happier for the merger. Occasionally, I will look into the mirror and see her in my face. I laugh and tell her that she looks very pretty with a beard." Chris sat quiet looking at his hands. "Are you sure you want to do the surgery and put yourself, and Tom, through the ordeal?"
"For me still yes. I will end myself if I don't. I cannot stand the curse and everything else. As for Tom, that will be his decision. If he cannot. I must understand and accept."
"Are you that strong?"
Chris just shrugged. "Chris is one of the strongest people I know." Izzy stated compassionately. Her eyes filled with tenderness. Chris wondered how he might have thrived if Izzy had been his mother. A quiver of the head cleared the thought. "Do you regret the decision?" Chris asked Steve.
"Sometimes, but less so now." Steve gave a pause as he saw Martha and Stephy laughing wildly. "No, not now, but it took time and Martha to reach my equilibria."
Chris formed a thin determined smile, "I must do this to survive."
"You must survive" Izzy whispered quietly to Chris.
Martha's voice again broke through the conversation "How did Martha react during all this?" Chris changed the topic.
"Stephy and I decided to adopt after all the surgeries and I leveled out. She was three when she blessed our home. She made us a family." Steve could see Stephy and Tom being dragged to a new game by Martha. Stephy waved. Chris waved back. "You and Tom need to have children."
"Little premature--five days remember--to talk kids."
"After everything," Steve paused, "You could have your eggs frozen before the surgery and then Tom could inseminate. Use a surrogate when you are ready for children."
Chris's eyes twinkled at the suggestion. Chris drifted off into a fantasy family.
"Martha is a charming young lady," Tom said to Stephy. "but she does have a lot of energy," as they were pulled to their third game.
"She does and she is the joy of our life." Stephy smiled as she watched Martha play Skeet-ball. "You and Chris make a nice couple. Izzy says that you just met."
"Yea, just a few days ago."
"Fell fast?"
"Head's still spinning."
"Long term or casual?"
"I think long term." Tom paused to look over at Chris and Steve. "I would like long term, but I don't know about Chris."
"Haven't talked to him about a future?"
"Hasn't come up yet."
"You haven't brought it up yet." Tom nodded. "Well, boy, if you want him you better act fast."
"Yea, I know. My cousin says the same. But."
"But what. You're secretly married? You're addicted to meth? You're an idiot and afraid?"
"Definitely the last." He and Steph turned toward Martha as she yelps when she won a prize. "This, us is going so fast. I don't want to scare him off."
"Your grandfather?"
"How'd you know?"
"Izzy is a listener and researches."
"Gotcha. That and after he transitions will he want me? I mean he is hot now. When he is truly himself, will I be enough?"
"Life gives no guarantees. It would be a shame to waste any of what you have on tomorrow's problems."
"Easier said than done."
"Not really if you are willing to take risks." Stephy pulled Tom into a friendly hug. "How are you doing with this whole idea of Chris's gender reassignment?"
"Surprisingly well, I mean, intellectually it scares the shit out of me, but then there is Chris. When he smiles I melt."
"The transition is not easy for anyone. It was terrible for Steve: the hormones the several surgeries and recovery, mood changes, body changes. Although I know that the transition was the best for Steve and everything was worth it, the trauma to the body is severe and it takes a very long time to adjust, for everything to sink into place, literally and figuratively. Steve and I had it rough the first three, four years after surgery. Without Izzy, I think I would taken Martha and left him."
"That bad?"
"I don't want to scare you but you need to know. Do you have friends that will be there for you?"
"My cousin, maybe Toby." Tom paused panicked, "not many."
"You will always have Izzy, Steve and I. Do not hesitate to call or text."
Martha had just run up and was showing off her prizes. She looked up at Tom with big brown eyes. "Are you and Chris going to get married?" Tom coughed as if he'd swallowed an ear of corn.
"Martha, honey, that is not something that you ask people."
"Why. I think they should get married and have babies. I think Chris and Tom would make a good fathers."
"I do too," Stephy smiled at Tom enjoying his discomfort.
"You may be right," Tom looked seriously at Martha, "but we have just met and Chris has not even seen by apartment yet." Then Tom looked at Stephy, "or met the in-laws." Stephy laughed and grabbed Martha's shoulder.
"I think it is time we head to hotel, sweetheart. You have schoolwork to do."
"But Mom, we're on break. I don't have school tomorrow and I can do the project then."
"No. Hotel and to bed." Stephy explained to Tom, "She gets cranky when she does not have enough sleep." Pause. "Unless you want to take her with you."
Martha looked at Tom, waiting. "As much as it would be fun, Chris and I need to pack. We leave for New York tomorrow. And tomorrow before we leave we have tons to do." Martha frowned in disappointment "Maybe another time."
Back at the table Stephy said, "Steve, it's time to put the little one to bed. You know how she gets if she does not sleep enough." Steve groaned acknowledgment.
"But Mom, Chris and I have not played any games together." She put her hands on her hips. "He is my date."
Stephy looked at Steve and then Chris. Chris smiled at Martha and took her hand. As they were heading toward the games, Stephy yelled, "Only one game."
Stephy turned to Steve, "I think we lost that round."
Steve laughed back, "We lose every round."