The following story is fiction and may contain sexual content and situations between males of various ages. If it is illegal for you to view such content then please leave this page immediately. All characters and names are figments of my imagination and are not meant to resemble or portray any person in real life - past or present.
All work is copyright protected by the author, me. No reproduction is permitted without explicit permission from me.
Enjoy!
======== Five - Discourse of Recourse
I'm not sure if shock is the correct word. Scottie's face showed a bunch of emotions - but I do think shock was one of them. I saw confusion, fear, happiness, fear again, and some that I couldn't identify.
This all happened during the conversation, or I should say monologue, from my mom about Scottie's current situation and his future. Mom made it very clear that his past would NOT repeat itself if she had anything to do with it. Mom's monologue was occasionally punctuated by a "yes mam" from Scottie, but she was doing most of the talking. Not that this is a bad thing - I don't think Scottie could say much right now judging from the expression on his face.
This all lasted for about half an hour and then mom says "Ok, you two, I think I need to go downstairs and let you finish your talk. Yell if you need me for anything." As mom started to walk away, she turned around and said "Hey Scottie", and as Scott turned to look at her, she finished "Welcome home."
As mom closed the door behind her Scottie turns back towards me and I can see the tears streaming down his face. I don't know if they're happy tears or what, but I'm not taking the chance. Scooting across the bed I put my arm around him and pull him into a hug and just hold him for a while. It feels SO fucking good to know that he's here with me, and that I'm here for him when he needs me. We still have a lot to talk about, but I'm not gonna break this hug until he's damned good and ready to!
It's like two years worth of frustration, anger and fear are working their way out of his system. I can feel him shiver from time to time and I hug him tighter. I can't really imagine what he's gone through - or what he's feeling now. All I know is I never want him to have to go through it again. And like my mom, I'll make damned sure he doesn't!
As Scottie's breathing is calming down he pulls back and looks at me with those beautiful eyes of his. "Toddy, I don't want to be a problem for you or your m-", he started but never got to finish. He was too busy being kissed to finish. Those fucking eyes lure me in - they own me. Not that I mind - actually, I love it!
Slowly, I pull out of the kiss and then lean in to him - nose to nose, forehead to forehead. "Scottie, you aren't any trouble. And even if you were, your being here makes it more than worth it to me", I tell him gently.
"You sure, Toddy? Are you really sure you want me here? This is your world, Todd. I don't want to be an invader in it. Everywhere I've gone it seems I've been an invader in their lives. Nobody wants to deal with a gay guy and his problems."
"Scott, I'm gay too. Remember? And you aren't invading. WE want you here. I want you here.
"That day you kissed me made me open my eyes and realize just how much I did care for you. I mean, I realized before that something was happening - that I was developing an attachment to you. But when your lips touched mine it all rushed at me at once just how much I DID feel for you. And then you were gone. I never had the chance to tell you just how I felt.
"So guess what? You're back! And now you're gonna hear it!", smiling as I said it.
Leaning back on the bed, staring straight at the ceiling, I continued "For the largest part of my life I've known I'm different from most guys. Not that I didn't like to do guy things - I do; it's just that I look at things somewhat differently than most. One being that I look at other guys differently. It wasn't till I was eleven or twelve that I finally learned the word that described me - or actually lots of words; most of which I don't even want to think about.
"When I realized how most other people look at guys like me, and now you too, I just decided that the best way for me to deal with it was not to deal with it at all. I tried my best to avoid any thoughts about relationships and sex. I kept myself busy with work and when I did have time to myself I went out on the hill and just sat back and looked in wonder at nature. I'd watch the birds, clouds, deer, mice, bugs - whatever; just so I didn't have to look too hard at myself. That little grassy patch on the hill is where I hid from myself.
"Then, a little over a year ago this clumsy blond kid comes along and starts intruding on my routine. At first I decided I'd be nice to him since he was new. So, I'd go off with him and do stuff so as to be the good neighbor. After a while it wasn't really a chore anymore. I got to know him and he was a pretty cool kid. I didn't mind spending time with him and sometimes actually looked forward to it.
"Then one day about three months ago I started realizing that my routine wasn't working anymore. I was starting to see that not only did I like this kid as a friend, but that I was starting to feel more for him. This scared me. I'd hidden those feeling and thoughts away so long that I didn't have any experience in dealing with this kind of thing. One thing that I did realize was that I'd lied to myself for far too long in thinking that I could actually hide this part of myself away.
"As the day progressed I realized more and more how much this person actually meant to me. How his emotions and feelings meant as much to me, or more to me, than my own did. As the events played out that day I made up my mind, as he and I walked up my hill, that I was going to try to tell him just who and what I was. I had to risk it! Because if I hid it from him I would be hiding it from myself again. And I didn't want to go back to being who I was. I liked the feelings I was experiencing.
"Though, I will admit that I was scared to death. Scared that by telling him I'd lose the friendship I already had with him. Scared that he could maybe shatter my whole existence by telling everyone else. But I was determined. I'd made up my mind. And if anything, I'm very bullheaded when I get something in my head.
"As the sun was setting that day, my blond haired boy and I were sitting on my little patch of grass - and just as I was about to bare my soul to him, he stood up, kissed me, and walked out of my life."
Suddenly I feel a finger on my cheek wiping away tears that I hadn't even realized I'd shed. I turn my head and Scottie is laying on his side beside me with a few tears of his own trailing down his cheek.
"I never meant to leave you feeling that way, Toddy. I never dreamed you felt anything more than maybe friendship towards me. I was scared; and in my own goofy way I thought maybe my leaving might make things easier for you because you wouldn't have to deal with my problems. Because, if I had stayed, I wouldn't have been able to hide them from you anymore", Scottie nearly whispered. "And I think I was also sorta trying to protect myself from being hurt - from having my feelings towards you turned against me.
"Not that I wanted to leave, though - THEY made me leave. But, in a way it was sort of an escape, too. I wouldn't ever have to feel the rejection I was sure was going to come after I told you what I wanted to.
"I had pretty much accepted the situation in my mind - that you and I would both be better off since I was leaving. But, when the time came for me to tell you that I loved you I couldn't. I looked at your face and saw the tears, and all I could do was kiss you.
"The tears on your face that night confused me. That confusion was probably the biggest reason I came back. I had to know if maybe you did feel something for me. I really didn't have anything else to lose. I was without a home, so what could it hurt to just see you one more time?
"But I guess I was still pretty scared. It took me several days after I got here before I even got the balls to try to see you - even from a distance. And, well, when I did make the effort to do that, you saw me. I heard the anger in your voice and I thought you knew it was me. That you were angry at me over that night on the hill. I saw that stick in your hand as you jumped the fence and thought for sure you were going to bash me with it", Scottie finishes.
"Heh, I'll be honest. Before I knew it was you I was prepared to do just that", I say sheepishly. "I thought you were poaching deer or something. You know how I am when it comes to that shit.
"But once I saw you there I didn't feel anything but joy and hope. Hope that maybe I'd have the chance to let you know how I felt and maybe, just maybe, we could have the chance to be more than just friends to each other.
"I'll be honest, Scottie. I don't know what to expect out of all of this. Relationships are new to me - especially ones where I feel the way I do towards you. I don't want to fuck this up and hurt you in the process. Like I said, I've sorta hidden myself away so I didn't have to deal with this stuff - and now I can't hide anymore. Where do we go from here? I'm scared that now that I have you back I'll fuck something up and lose you again - and I couldn't bear that."
"Toddy, I don't really know where this goes from here. All I know is you and I are here, and that's all I need for now. We'll figure everything else out as we go along. That is if something doesn't happen and I get sent somewhere else", Scottie finishes.
"I don't think mom is gonna let that happen - or put up a hell of a fight if they try to do something like that", I try to re-assure him - well, actually both of us, I think. Hell, I'd put up a hell of a fight before I'd let that happen.
The room was silent for a while after that. We just lay there, side by side, looking at each other - each of us off in our own thoughts.
And there's lots to think about - at least for me. I had Scottie back. This thought alone brings me a huge amount of happiness. I feel sooo good being able to look over and see his blonde hair and beautiful face laying there so near me.
But me being the person that I am, I also worry. Where do we go from here? Will he be able to stay with us? How will mom handle having two gay guys that have feelings for each other living here? And I guess the biggest question was - how DO we feel about each other?
I THINK I know how I feel about Scottie. Hell - no thinking about it. The last few months have pretty much shown me that I love Scottie. But do I even really know how to love another person that way?
"Scott", I start, "over the last few months I've had a lot of time to think about all of this, but I didn't - I avoided it. It hurt to think about you. Every time you crept into my head I'd start missing you - wondering how you were and what you were doing. So, I'd avoid it. I'd do anything just so I wouldn't have to think about you.
"And now you're here and I haven't figured any of this out yet!
"I don't know what it's like to love someone like I love you, Scottie. It scares me. I've hidden that part of me away for so long that I'm not sure if I even know how to. Hell! I've just, in the last few months, started even thinking about being with a person - and the person I wanted to be with wasn't here.
"I don't want to be hurt. And even more than that - I don't want to hurt you. And I'm afraid that I'll do both. This is all so fucking new to me! Guess this is what I get hiding on a hilltop for so long."
"Todd", Scottie says as he reaches over and takes my hand. "It's new to me too, ok? Sure, I accepted I was gay a couple years ago. But I'd never really cared for anyone like I care for you. It scares me just as much as it does you. But guess what? If what you said is true, and you do love me, then we'll both figure it out together. Because I sure as fuck love you, Toddy. I can't think of any person I'd rather be with, or any place else I'd rather be - if you let me."
"Let you?! You asshole, there's no letting involved here. Your ass ain't goin nowhere so long as I have anything to do with it! I thought I'd lost you, once. I'm NOT gonna let that happen again", I finish.
Smiling, Scottie says "Oh, so it's just my ass you want, eh?"
Grinning from ear to ear, I respond "Well, it IS a nice ass - or, at least I think it is. Not really seen much of it. But, since the rest of you is sorta attached to it, I guess I'll have to settle for all of you."
Turning a bit more serious, Scottie says "Toddy, let's just take things one day at a time, ok? I think love is what you make of it. There's no instruction manual, so we're gonna have to write the rules as we go along. I'm sure we'll fuck up from time to time; but, if you love me half as much as I love you, we'll work through it."
For all of his physical clumsiness, Scottie really knows the right words to say to make me feel better. Yeah, I'm still scared, but knowing Scottie will be here with me makes it easier for me to deal with.
"Scottie? Erm.. I have a very serious question I need to ask you, k?", I ask. As Scott gets a serious look on his face and slowly nods, I continue, "next time you piss on the electric fence do me a favor and don't zip up so quick, ok? How the hell is a gay guy supposed to get a glimpse with you doing that?"
"You asshole!", I hear while simultaneously getting slammed in the head with a pillow. "I STILL wince when I remember that! But, well, maybe someday if you're a good gay boy, you may get a glimpse without having to worry about getting pissed on", he finishes with a grin.
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This is my first attempt at writing a story. Please feel free to contact me at terry@thestorycloset.org with any comments or feedback. A few newer chapters and updates of mine, and other author's stories, can be found at http://terry.thestorycloset.org . Chapter 7 is the current chapter at the above web site.
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