Coachs Assistant

Ok here it is, you have been waiting for a long time but this is chapter 60 of Coach's Assistant. Enjoy this last chapter for this year and of cause let me know what you think of it.

More of my writings you can find at my website www.geocities.com/timsfunplace.

So for all of you have a wonderfull holiday period, a nice Christmas and all the best for the year 2005.

Of cause part of me writes because I like it, but I also love to hear what you think about what I write. You can contact me on my e-mail at noway16@hotmail.com.

Ok lets go on with the story here is chapter 60.

On Sunday morning, we went back for a few hours at the beach. We'd drive back late in the afternoon. We had a good time but the surprise and newness of things had worn off. Thomas had tried to talk with me several times, but I wasn't in the mood. The fact that my dreams had returned bothered me quite a lot. As we were driving back in the van, I saw some of the others look at me oddly. Yea, they'd noticed, I'm sure, that I'd been quieter that day ... but I had nothing to say.

By Monday we were back in our routine. I was happy to concentrate on my exercises, and I stayed more or less to myself. Not a lot happened during the rest of the week ... at least, nothing that was interesting enough to tell you. I did what we came to do ... and I found that slowly I was getting back to my old form again. I could tell that Alexei was happy with that as he tried to push me forward more and more.

I managed to stay surrounded by others as much as possible. At least that gave me the chance to not think too much. Some of the others tried to get me alone to talk ... but I was able to avoid such situations.

That was the case until Thursday evening around 7 or so. We'd just had something to eat and we were planning to go to Amsterdam the next day. The four of us had been doing the dishes, but suddenly I was alone with Alexei, and I knew he'd staged this.

"Talk, Nick."

"What?"

"Talk ... come on ... you've been quiet since Sunday, when something happened, correct?"

"Happened ... what?"

"Well ... something must have occurred. You had a good time on Saturday and, since then, you've gone quiet and have been avoiding contact with any of us."

"I've done what I came to do, Alexei. I've trained and learned. What more do you want?"

"Oh yea ... that's the only good thing about this trip ... but it seems you've just thrown yourself into it. What happened?"

"Nothing ... as I said before ... now, leave me alone."

"Oh, no! You're not getting away from me that easily. You've been looking tired and you're definitely not getting the rest you need."

I didn't answer him. I wasn't going to any more. I kept silent. He came closer to me.

"You know ... if you keep this up, there's only one thing I can do, Nick. I'll have to call your dad tonight."

"Why? He can't change anything."

"No ... but I'm worried. If I thought you weren't coping, I told myself that I'd call him ... and, after these past few days, I'm on the verge of doing that."

"Don't! I'll get over it."

"No, that's not good enough. Either you talk to me tonight, or I'll have to call him."

"Damn you, Alexei! I can't do anything about this. I just need time."

"Are you sure, Nick? What happened? Did Thomas do anything?"

"No ... leave him out of this."

"So, he did," he said. He was now standing very close.

"You're not alone, Nick ... you don't have to deal with this alone. We're your friends, remember that."

I looked at him. "And you have Francis, Nick."

Damn! I'd hoped he'd leave Francis out of this! "No, I haven't, Alexei. Truly, I don't," I said softly.

"Oh, you have, Nick. You'll get there again."

"No, Alexei. I've lost him. I don't deserve him. I just hurt him." I felt my voice cracking and tears starting to slowly make their way down my cheek.

He took me in his arms and I cried. All the pain ... all the fears generated by the dreams that I had been walking around with since Sunday ... I let them all out.

After a little while, he cupped my chin and looked straight into my eyes. "You just have to work for it a bit, Nick. You didn't lose him."

"But I don't deserve him, Alexei ... and, since last week, he's distanced himself from me."

"Well, just think about what happened. There's no need for any of this."

"I don't know, Alexei ... I just don't know any more."

"I know, Nick ... and I don't have all the answers, either ... but I think that, after all the times I've seen the two of you together, there must be a future for you. Your love was so strong, it has to be able to survive this."

"You think?"

"If you don't fight for it, you won't know, Nick."

"I guess," I said, not yet convinced by him ... but I saw his point.

"I don't know what happened last week, Nick, but in Cologne you were snapping out of it. For the first time I saw a littlie bit of the real Nick back ... the Nick we both know is still in there somewhere. I thought then, yes ... he's getting there slowly. I know ... and I think you know ... that it won't be happening in one go ... but you seemed to have reached some major breakthrough last week. I have no idea what happened or what triggered it, but you know that you can do it."

"Oh, I guess so."

"Now, I thought you'd gotten everything fixed up with Francis again. Oh, I can understand that what happened the other night has thrown you two for a loop ... but the worst thing you both can do is try to forget it by not talking about it. I think that that is the wrong approach, Nick. You'll not get him back if that's what you really want. Do you want him back?"

"Back? Yea ... back to the way things were a few months ago, Alexei!"

"Yea, I can see that, Nick ... but we'd all love to change things that happened with us in life ... ignore them ... or just redo them in a better way ... but you can't ... and you know what? Most times, when I look back at the bad things, I know I only got stronger as a result. It might have taken a while ... but I learned a lot by those things ... maybe more than the times I just kept bull-headedly throwing myself at a rock each time without learning anything."

"But he's changed, Alexei. It's not just me but it's him, too. I don't think he loves me any more."

"Oh, how do you know? Have you talked with him about it? Did you ask? Did he say that? I don't think so, Nick. I could see that he was hurt when you started spending time with Thomas instead of him. He wants you to have other friends, I'm sure of that, as he's just not that clingy ... but I think that you've overdone it the last week. That, together with the fact that you haven't talked about what happened, is making you think he doesn't love you any more."

I just sat down, quietly wondering whether he was right. It all sounded very logical. We hadn't been talking, that was true. Every time we'd gotten together alone, the atmosphere had been very strained ... as if we were afraid we'd hurt each other. Yea, that was it. I was definitely afraid to hurt him. I couldn't handle hurting him in any way ... and I'd been doing that oh so much!

I closed my eyes. But I loved him ... there was no doubt I loved him ... so much that I was afraid to hurt him. What if it was the same with him? Oh, we'd really moved in the wrong direction. And he deserved to know, I guess, why I'd been treating him the way I had.

I looked up and saw Alexei staring at me. "You think he'd talk with me?"

"He might ... it depends on the subject, Nick. I don't think a talk is enough. It'll need to be a real talk ... you know, about feelings ... about what's been happening to you. You think you'll be able to do that?"

I know the doctor had warned me about this, as he knew that I'd to tell Francis at some point. But was this the appropriate time, during a holiday?

"You think that this is the right time, Alexei? Do you think he'd be able to handle it?"

"Well, maybe you don't need to tell everything, but at least talk about last week. I think that's a good way to start. You don't have to go into great depth to start with but communications and trust are a part of a good relationship. You must trust him and he must trust you. Trust that your love is stronger than the pain you might cause each other."

"How wise, Alexei! It all sounds so easy but in reality? I'm still quite messed up sometimes and, although you're right, I did have a breakthrough last week, it's still not easy to talk about it all. It's so confusing."

"The doc has not been helping you with it all, then?"

"Yea, he has ... but, still, talking to him is something really different from talking with Francis."

"I know, but he loves you. That must mean something, too."

"I guess."

"Well, I think a talk soon is a good idea ... but in your own time and place. I think that Francis will be wanting to do the same ... so trust your guts and choose the right moment, Nick."

I looked at him. He was right, this was agony ... and my dreams had returned last week and, although I wanted to deny it all, I knew that it had to do with the things I'd done with Thomas and the fact that Francis was not there to protect me. I knew I felt safe when he was around.

"Thanks, Alexei. I'll see when the moment arrives, if we can move on."

"Good! I'll make sure you have a hotel room together in Amsterdam."

"Oh! Do you really think that's a good idea?"

"Yes, Nick. Walking away from it is not a good idea. You might end up not getting together to deal with it ever again."

"Thanks for this, Alexei." We hugged.

"You're welcome, Nick ... and, next time, don't make it so difficult for me to corner you! My god, I tried all week to talk to you alone!"

"Yea, I know," I said, blushing.

I had to think about it. I smiled at Francis several times so he wouldn't think I was ignoring him, but that was all I could do that evening.

I had a very restless night. I thought about several things but I knew that Alexei (and, in the past, the shrink) had been right, too. We'd planned a talk together with the shrink and Francis so he would understand me better and things would be a bit easier. I'd been working on that aspect of my life before the hotel incident ... but, even so, that only convinced me about how I felt. The shrink was right: Francis needed to know that, if there was a future for us. But then, how would he take it? How would he respond to it? I know I'd been thinking that ending our relation would be better for him ... but, at the same time, that idea was unbearable for me.

When I got up around 6 a.m., I knew I had to talk to my therapist again. It was 1 a.m. in the USA now ... maybe not the best time to call ... but he'd told me I could call any time I needed him ... and I definitely did. During the next 90 minutes we talked. I was lucky to get a hold of him, as he told me he was about to go to bed. But, by the end of the conversation, he was congratulating me for the progress I'd made and he urged me to take the next step. There was no reason to wait till after the holiday. He wanted me to do whatever would make me happier and allow us to enjoy our holiday more.

I packed and was just ready for breakfast at 8, as we had to leave at 9 for the airport to fly to Amsterdam. When we got out at the airport terminal, I walked over to Alexei.

"After we check in, I'm going to take Francis for a walk. I think we need to start to do some talking."

"Good! I'm glad you're taking the initiative, Nick. I hope I didn't pressure you into this."

"No, you didn't. I just hope that dad isn't going to be too mad with me over my mobile phone bill, as this morning I talked with the shrink again for ... well ... a long time."

"Ah, excellent! That must have been some help?"

"Yep ... so, I'll make sure we're on time for the plane but give us some time, OK?"

While waiting to check in, I sidled over beside Francis.

"Can we talk after we check in, Francis?"

He looked up at me, a bit surprised. "Yea, of course, any time ... you don't have to ask."

"I think I do, Francis ... at least, it feels like I should at this point."

"Oh!" he said.

We checked in together and walked away from the rest. When David tried to intercept us, Alexei told him we needed some time together. I saw a gentle smile of approval on David's face as we walked away. We found a spot in a corner of a little pub, which had some music playing, but not anything very loud. We were quite far away from the others.

I looked at him. That same unnatural tension caused that same silence that had hitherto been there between us. I waited until our drinks were brought, as I didn't want to be interrupted.

"I'm glad you wanted to talk, Francis."

"Why wouldn't I, Nick?"

"I don't know, Francis ... but that was the feeling that I'm getting. You know ... it felt as if we've been growing apart during the last week. I just had no idea how to stop it."

"I guess I see what you mean, Nick. We've never had a week like that this before, have we?"

"No ... but, then, a lot has happened during the last few weeks."

"Yea, I guess ... but I thought last weekend that we were at least trying again."

"I know, Francis ... and I ruined all that."

"You didn't ... I did, Nick."

A gentle smile lit on my face. "Yea ... Alexei told me you might see it like that."

"No, Francis, I did it. I pushed you to go on. I flirted all that evening with you. It was me who made us go into things we might not have done otherwise."

"Oh, you think that it was all you? I should have known better, Nick. I should have known that it might hurt you ... well, you know where."

"Maybe ... but I thought that I'd hurt you enough. I tried to distance myself a bit ... but I can't, Francis ... so I hope you can forgive me."

"If you forgive me, Nick," he whispered back slowly as if he were afraid of my answer.

"Yea, I think I can ... let's try to forget it all, then."

"No, not forget it, Nick ... talk about it ... and grow from the experience. I know what I felt while you were talking and doing all those things with Thomas. I don't want to feel that any more. I want to share things with you.

When he said the name, "Thomas," I started to feel a blush coming on.

"I never wanted that to happen, Francis ... never. I'm sorry."

I could now feel tears starting to run down my face ... gradually more and more of them.

"Don't cry, Nick ... please ... as we said before, we were both to blame for what happened."

"Maybe, but ..."

"No buts. I guess we have to see what we can learn from this, as I want to do my best to prevent it from happening in the future."

"Yea ... me too, Francis. You think that a promise to talk about these kinds of things instead of running away from them will help?"

"It's a start, Nick! Yea, I think that might help."

"So, if we're worried about stuff, or afraid we're hurting each other, we promise to talk about it? OK, Francis?"

"Agreed!" he said with a smile on his face.

Well, that didn't go too badly, I though1, so now what? I'd never had any difficulty in talking with him before ... but now it almost felt that, in just one week, he'd become a stranger.

"I think, Francis, that you must have more questions and more things we need to talk about. I promised you that we'd do that when I was ready ... and I will, I promise."

"OK ... I can live with that. I don't want you to feel pressured by me."

"No, I don't ... but I know we need to talk."

"So you enjoyed our stay in England, Nick?"

"Yea ... well, I think so. The training went well and we had some good times at the beach." I blushed again when I realized what I'd said.

"That was a real surprise, I must admit. I'd never gone to a nude beach but that was fun ... so relaxing ... no loud music ... just the sound o the waves ... although all those men looking around sometimes were a bit too much."

"I know what you mean!" We talked a bit more over the next 30 minutes about what we'd been doing and stuff like that.

"I have one last question," I said to him when I saw it was almost time to get to the plane. "Do you want to share the hotel room in Amsterdam with me?"

"Yea, of course," he said now, with a big smile on his face.

"Good! I'll make sure Alexei knows," I answered. "But now I think we'd better get to the plane. "

We stood up but, during the last part of our chat, I'd had the urge to touch him ... so I looked around and bent over and gave him a quick kiss on his cheek.

"Thanks," I said to him softly.

He just smiled. In the plane we sat together, but we didn't talk a lot ... we just enjoyed each other's company. Oh, we played touchy feely a lot ... and I must say that I enjoyed that ... it almost seemed like old times.

Alexei had a big smile on his face as we walked back from our chat and, although nothing was said, I could tell that David and James were feeling a bit more relaxed now as well.

We had some fun on the plane ... oh, no, not what you're thinking ... we didn't join the "Mile High" club ... but we talked and held each other's hand between us most of the time. When we landed, we grabbed a taxi that took us directly to the hotel, which was in the city center. We'd seen quite a number of old buildings already and passed several canals.

"OK, guys ... let's get ourselves a drink before we go and check in," Alex said. We walked into the hotel bar, leaving our bags in the lobby by the reception desk.

"I wanted to give you some idea what we'll be doing here, at least for the weekend. After the weekend, it's back to the training routine again. But this is Pride weekend in Amsterdam, so it's another opportune time to be here, I'd say. I've been here for Pride once before, about five years ago or so. I'll tell you what'll be happening: there'll be street parties tonight by the canals in a few areas of town. It's an easy town to walk around, but just make sure you don't get lost. Make sure to get one of the maps that are available at the desk. So I want to go out tonight, to one of the street parties ... then, the parade is tomorrow afternoon ... and tomorrow night, there's more street parties. We can then see what we want to do on the Sunday."

"Sleep!" James said softly and we all smiled at that.

"Hmmm ... Alexei, did you see that there was a gay flag outside this hotel? Do they all do that for Pride weekend?"

"Oh," and Alexei smiled broadly, "no, David. We're staying in a gay hotel ... well, run by gays and probably most visitors will be gay, too."

"Ohhhhhh!" he said quietly

"Are you OK with that?"

"I guess so ... you just surprised me a bit."

"Well, nothing to worry about. We have three rooms and you can have the middle one, so if there's anything wrong, you can just shout."

I'm not sure that reply reassured David at all.

"So, what do you think? Shall we check in and then, say, meet here around 7 so we can have something to eat?"

"Sounds like a plan to me," Francis said.

That meant that we'd have two hours to kill in our hotel room. Although I was looking forward to that, I was a little scared of the idea as well. It had been more than a week since I'd been together with him for that long.

The hotel room was nice ... not too big, but comfortable. There was a couch on one side and the bed on the other. Between then sat a cupboard which included shelves for clothes, hangers, a big mirror above and space for a TV. We got unpacked first. As I was finished before Francis, I laid down on the bed and just watched him moving around.

From time to time, he bent over, exposing his very well shaped ass towards me. I laughed a bit and, when he heard that, he looked at me.

"You could help, you know."

"Why should I, Francis? I prefer to enjoy the view."

"Oh," he said and countered by getting down on his knees to work.

"Ahhh, that's no fun," I said.

"Well, maybe you'll get bored and help me."

"No, I'd rather wait and see if there's more entertainment."

He smiled again as he put his last stacks of clothing in the cupboard.

He stood up and turned towards me. He looked at me. I could see that he wasn't sure what to do now.

'You're not going to join me, Francis?"

"You want me to?"

"Yea," I said as I blushed.

For some reason, it felt like everything we did was new. I knew it wasn't but, strangely enough, I felt that way.

He got rid of his shoes and sat down on the bed. Then slowly he moved his ass down so he could rest his head on the bed.

"Hmmm ... I think I know a better place for that." I pointed to my chest. He slowly moved over towards me and let his head drop on my chest. He looked up and our eyes met. I just smiled at him.

For several minutes we stared just like that, into each other's eyes. I could smell his scent, the one that I had been missing and really liked. It was so typical him: even when he wore a good deodorant, I could still smell the real Francis.

With one hand, I held him. With the other, I ruffled his hair. It had been too long since I'd done that. Then I started to slide my hand a bit lower, over his shoulders towards his chest. He took hold of it and brought it to his mouth to kiss it.

"Not yet, Nick. Let's just enjoy each other for now," he said smiling.

I didn't answer him but brought his hand to my mouth and returned the gesture to tell him I knew what he meant. My hand came to rest just beside his right nipple. I could feel his heartbeat, a reassuring sound with a rhythm that I'd listened to before, on nights when I couldn't sleep. It sounded as familiar as the bird singing his early song on a beautiful spring day.

We dozed off. I could feel myself slipping into a wonderful, restful sleep which was now accompanied by now two hearts flowing together to the same sound.

I woke up a bit before he did. I could feel his warmth now on the side of my chest where our bodies just touched as he leaned against me. I studied his face. It looked so familiar, so like it was a part of me ... as if I'd known it all my life. The little blemish just beside his nose ... his lower lip, which trembled a bit with each breath he took. I'd always wondered what would happen if I could put a flute or whistle to his lips, as it seemed like he would play a perfect song without even trying.

I looked a bit lower and could see his adam's apple bobbing up and down, giving further evidence of the air that flowed in and out of his body, sustaining his life.

The idea of living without him hurt from the moment I thought about him, as if life and death were inextricably intertwined in my mind.

Yea, I loved him. Trying to deny that had been foolish. There was no one on this earth that I'd rather spend my life with than with him. From the beginning, it'd felt like I'd known him forever ... from the first kiss, now almost half a year ago. Yea, that first surprise kiss in the locker room ... that kiss had given me hope that my dreams could come true. How right and also wrong I'd been, as life had been incredibly complicated since then ... complicated but, at the same time, very reassuring, as I knew that he'd always be there for me. When I realized that the first time, I'd been in pain, and the knowledge of his constant support had soothed my pain ... and now ... now, I'd just driven him away from me because I was afraid I would hurt him. But I knew what I'd done. I needed to remember that there was love between us ... a love that would overcome anything if we'd both just believe in it and acted on it.

I saw his cheekbone start to move slowly ... he was waking up. I could see more signs of consciousness ... his heart had started to beat a little faster and his toes had started to wiggle. Oh, yea, he was waking up for sure. I looked at his eyes, hoping to see that first glimpse of them when his lids fluttered open ... the moment when his eyes saw the world around him but his brain hadn't quite registered his surroundings. It seemed that his eyes never glowed shinier than at that moment.

I knew I had a smile on my face, but I couldn't help it. He opened his eyes slowly and a big smile appeared on his face from the moment he realized where he was.

"You've been awake a long time, Nick?"

"No, a few minutes."

"Oh! How long until we have to get ready?"

"Maybe 45 minutes or so."

"Hmmm ... time to get up, then ... or not?"

"Yea, I guess so ... but maybe there's enough time to wash our sweat off of us together."

"Sounds good!"

He got up and, after picking up a towel, he walked towards the bathroom.

"Come on, then," he said.

I followed him quickly, closing the door behind me.

He'd put his towel on the chair. I walked towards him to do the same. As I dropped it, I felt him tug on my shirt. I lifted my hands up and my shirt was pulled over my head.

He let the shirt drop and his hands wandered slowly over my chest, back, shoulders and tummy. It felt good to feel his ever so warm hands touching me, caressing my body, making slow circles around my nipples, teasing them while they rose up into the cool air, eager to be touched. He took my hands now and led them over to his shirt. I slowly started to pull it up. Electricity seemed to jump when I touched his skin. Slowly I brought his shirt upwards until it was over his head. I looked at him. Oh, my god! What had I done to deserve him? Look at that ... a perfect body with soft, warm, almost silky, skin to touch, to feel, to enjoy. Although I remembered every square inch of it, it felt like I was discovering it all over again.

We then hugged each other. His heart was beating faster than before but, again, it was in sync with my own. I could feel his nipples pressing against mine.

"We'd better hurry or we'll be late," he whispered in my ear.

"I'm not sure I want you to let go, Francis," I answered softly.

"Oh, so ... you don't want to dance with me tonight? I thought you'd jump at a chance to do that!"

I let him go now and looked at him. "But not with the same ending as two weeks ago, Francis! I never want that to happen again."

"I know! We can trust each other not to do that. Remember? We promised."

"Yea, I know. Let's move on."

We both undid our pants and stepped out of them. He took his green underwear off and I could hardly take my eyes off his beautiful cock. But not now ... I knew this wasn't the right time for it ... definitely not. Oh ...I saw him looking, too. I was more at ease with it now ... most of the hurt parts were healed.

We stepped under the running water and let it warm us up. I'd gotten the soap in my hands and I started to soap Francis up with it. Oh, yea! I touched every bit, little by little feeling every inch of his skin ... the lines of his body that had such a nice curve to it. I could feel him squirm from time to time, depending on the places that I touched. I tried to remember all of them ... to make sure I could use them again in the future: the middle of his lower back, the inside of his thigh, the top of his right foot and a tiny spot just under his toes of his left foot.

I didn't forget to clean the hard throbbing part of his body that now had started to pulse at the same speed as his heart was. But I just washed it and teased it a bit ... then, standing up again, I looked at him and said, "your turn." I handed him the soap and turned around. The next five minutes were like a dream. I knew he was close by ... I felt that that was good ... as, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have been able to let it all happen. But while he worked his way all over my body with the soap, I could feel his breath just by my left ear.

It was like a dream. In time, I became aware that his hands were not longer lingering on my body. Just a warm stream of water was hitting me. I turned around.

"You liked that, Nick?"

"Shhhh," I said as I moved closer and kissed him, long, soft and deep.

We got rid of the soap and knew it was time to get dressed. We arrived downstairs just five minutes late and were welcomed by a number of well-intended jokes.

We had a nice dinner on a terrace beside one of the canals. Which one, you'd better not ask me any more as there were just too many to choose from. It was around 9 p.m. by the time we left the place and wandered towards what should be one of the main places for an evening out in Amsterdam. It was named after the famous painter Rembrandt.

It was a large square with quite a number of terraces and pubs, along with open and treed areas around it. From it led two streets that were occupied by big street parties. On one street we heard music. It wasn't familiar ... it had a bit of an odd beat to it and it was definitely sung in Dutch. On the other street, there was a party going on with an incredibly large, younger crowd with techno and dance music.

We stayed there for several hours ... dancing, people-watching, talking and just enjoying ourselves. At one point, I saw that David was standing a bit to the side. I told Francis that I'd be right back and walked towards David.

"You're bored, David?"

"No ... just ... well ..."

"Fed up with all the gay guys after three weeks?" I knew him so well. Although he said he didn't have a problem with us, he was getting a huge dose of gayness on this holiday. I thought it might begin to be a bit too much.

"I guess, a bit, Nick."

"Well, we won't stay here all night, so just hang in there for a bit."

"Oh ... I'll get you back when we're home again!"

"Probably."

"So are you two back together again now, Nick?"

"Seems so."

"Oh, I think it takes more than what's been happening to drive Francis away from you. I'm so pleased, as he was incredibly miserable last week and I don't think that you were doing very well, either."

"You talked to him about it, David?"

"Yea, but that is none of your business."

"Oh! I didn't want to know anything that was discussed. I just wanted to thank you for being there for him when I wasn't."

"Ah, OK ... well, you're welcome. Just makes sure it doesn't happen too often."

"It won't. I've learned my lesson, David."

"Good! Now, go back to him and enjoy yourselves. I'll be OK here for a little while."

I smiled, gave him a hug, and walked back to the dancing queens.

"Another half hour ... then let's go back," I said to Alexei, James and Francis.

We enjoyed more dancing and talked a bit as well ... although, with the music, it was more shouting then dancing. I hadn't drunk too much, making sure that I'd be able to control myself.

It took us a while to get through the mass of people back towards the hotel.

We walked alongside one of the canals on the way back. The houses were beautifully lit. As we walked into the hotel, someone at the bar shouted Alexei's name. He waved and walked towards him.

"See you tomorrow, Alexei."

"OK ... sounds like a plan. You're joining me, James?" he asked.

The three of us walked back to our room while James and Alexei entered the bar.

When we opened the door to our room, I went into the bathroom. I wanted to clean my teeth and needed to use the toilet. I could hear Francis put on some music. More dancing, I thought, and I smiled.

For quite some time we danced to the music until the song that I'd heard before came on. I liked it a lot. I'm not sure when I heard it, but the sound was familiar. It reminded me of all the things that had happened during these last few months.

don't give up 'cos you have friends don't give up you're not beaten yet don't give up I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around never thought I could be affected thought that we'd be the last to go it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home the place that I was born, on the lakeside as daylight broke, I saw the earth the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up you still have us don't give up we don't need much of anything don't give up 'cause somewhere there's a place where we belong

rest your head you worry too much it's going to be alright when times get rough you can fall back on us don't give up please don't give up

(As we listened, I'd rested my head on his left shoulder and he had his on my right. Our cheeks were touching, sometimes rubbing as we slowly moved around. I heard the lyrics continue:)

'got to walk out of here I can't take anymore going to stand on that bridge keep my eyes down below whatever may come and whatever may go that river's flowing that river's flowing

(Oh, yea! Tears of joy streamed from my eyes, running down my cheeks, meeting up with those that had sprung from Francis's eyes ... flowing down and slowly starting to drip from our chins.)

moved on to another town tried hard to settle down for every job, so many men so many men no-one needs

(Many men ... but just one for me ... the one I was holding ... the one whose scent I could smell ... the one whose warm hard cock I could feel pressed against my thigh.)

don't give up 'cause you have friends don't give up you're not the only one don't give up no reason to be ashamed don't give up you still have us don't give up now we're proud of who you are

(Definitely! With everything that had happened, where would we be without friends? Without Brian, Andy, Randy ... and, of course, Alexei. What would we have done without him?)

don't give up you know it's never been easy don't give up 'cause I believe there's the a place there's a place where we belong

(Yea! This is the place where I belong, in his arms, feeling the warmth of his body against mine.)

We danced to several more songs but that one became our song forever. I felt that the emotions had gotten to us, big time. I'm not sure when we stopped dancing and just stood, hugging each other hard ... afraid that one of us would let go.

In a kind of a daze, we managed to move to the bed and, in the end, we fell asleep.

I woke up feeling a tongue caressing my nipple. I managed to put a smile on my face when I realized who it was. I didn't move. I wanted to enjoy this for a bit longer. Francis continued slowly making little wet circles around my nipple, then going over it again, keeping it in his mouth for a moment before going on with his circles.

It was hard not to moan or to touch my dick, which had become very hard. He continued until I felt some cold air rush over my body as he pushed the sheet away. His head went lower and his tongue continued to track a wet line from my nipple towards my belly button. I knew that he must have seen my hard dick pressing against the cotton of my white briefs.

I tried to keep as still as possible but, with his head now resting just below my chest and his tongue making circles on my tummy, I was sure he must have felt my quickened breathing. I slid down further ... I could feel his head go down slowly. I couldn't resist his advances ... the idea of what was going to happen in a moment made my dick jump in my briefs. Slowly, I'd moved my hands towards his head and, at the same time that I put my hands on his head to push him lower, I moved my hips upward so that he'd touch it as soon as possible.

I felt him continue to lick ... now moving all along the shaft of my dick, down towards my balls. The cotton was wet and got a bit stuck on my dick. I couldn't feel his tongue any more when he said, "You're enjoying this, aren't you, Nick?"

I smiled and answered, "I've had worst times waking up."

"Yea, I thought you'd love to be wakened like this."

He moved back up now until he could look into my eyes.

"Good morning, Nicky," he said, then he gave me a kiss on my cheek.

"Morning, Francis."

"I see you're a bit excited this morning ... any nice, hot dreams?"

Yea, he was right! I hadn't had any bad dreams that night, only nice ones ... or so I thought.

"Oh, yea! The guys in it were incredible, you know."

I saw his face darken a bit when I said that. Oh, he didn't get the joke, I thought. How strange! He knew I liked to tease him like that.

"Oh, come on! You know you're the only one I want."

"Hmmm ... yea ... I guess so."

"Come here," and I kissed him, but this time on his mouth, our lips touching each other. Then, slowly, I felt his tongue on my lips and I opened my mouth as our tongues started a passionate dance of their own. My hand had moved down over his body until it had reached his boxer briefs. I felt his equally hard dick pressing hard to get out. I started slowly to take it in my hand. Through the cotton, I could feel the warm of his pulsing dick. He did reciprocate my movements, reaching for my dick. Now we were both rubbing each other hard through our underwear. Still kissing, I could feel his breathing starting to pick up pace. I couldn't resist any more and I moaned into the silence. I knew he didn't hear it ... but I'm sure he felt the outflow of my warm breath filling the inside of his mouth.

I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy it if I came ... but, on the other hand, there was no way to stop it. Our rubbing had gotten more and more intense. I felt his dick start to pulse and then ... yes! I could feel spurts of his cum, making his cotton briefs quite wet. The area around us now filled with the smell of his cum. That was enough to push me over the edge as well.

The moment I came hit me hard. I went completely rigid. I knew Francis felt it as our kiss ended. Oh, no! My mind went back ... the excitement of cumming ... the feelings that had gone with it those weeks ago ... all these memories came flashing back to me. Not just the joy of shooting ... but also the pain of my empty balls ... the emotions of being used. Francis had let go of my dick now, and I felt his eyes now focus on me.

"Nick, are you OK? You've gone quite pale."

Oh, if that could be the only thing! I slowly started to feel emotionally drained. I let go of him and collapsed on the bed.

"Nick! Nick!" Francis continued to say. I could hear the worry in his voice. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

"Nick, are you OK? What happened?"

"Fine ... give me some time, OK?" I said and I closed my eyes again. The afterglow of the orgasm started to go away. Wow! I knew this was a risk ... but I'd hoped that, with Francis, I wouldn't have them. Those horrible flashbacks of me bound to the bed in the hotel ... of me in the basement of Mike's place.

"I'll get you something to drink ... I'll be right back," Francis said.

My god! What now? Would they ever go away? It had been so incredibly nice with him, so touching ... almost like the old days again. And now? Now what, I wondered. Would this be the end of what we'd started to build up again during these past two days? Would I be strong enough? No, I thought ... this isn't going to control my life ever again. It'll always be there, but I'm stronger than that. I slowly opened my eyes. Lots of emotions were going through my head now as I looked up and saw Francis, still walking around in his now wet boxer briefs, coming back with some water.

"Are you OK, Nick?" he asked again as he handed me the water. I lifted myself up a bit and took the glass. I sipped a bit of water and put the glass on the nightstand. His question was hanging in the air. We'd promised to be honest with each other ... I knew that ... but still. Was this the first real test of that pact?

I looked at him, his eyes full of love and concern. Yea ... he was worried ... I could see that. I moved a bit closer to him and gave him a peck on his cheek. When I backed off, his smile had disappeared.

"What happened, Nick?"

Oh, yea. You couldn't know, Francis. I came and I felt such a mix of emotions ... pleasure like always, mixed with some dirty flashbacks and feelings about all the things that had happened.

"I'm OK again, Francis. Just give me some time," I said.

"OK ... you wanna be alone?"

"Yea, if that's OK with you." I saw some disappointment on his face as I said that.

"I need to shower anyway," he said, pointing at his boxer briefs.

I smiled a bit and said, "I need some time, Francis ... but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to talk. We will, after your shower ... OK?"

His smile now reappeared on his face. "Oh, Nick. I love you so much, Nicky," he said and turned around and walked into the bathroom.

After he'd left, I slowly got out of bed to get my towel. I got rid of my briefs and cleaned myself up a bit. The rest would have to wait until after our talk. I got a new pair of red briefs out of my bag and put them on. I puffed up the cushions and positioned myself on the bed, pulling the sheets back up to my chest.

There I waited for Francis to return ... waited to give the answers on the unsaid questions he would have ... waited, keeping my fingers crossed that he'd understand.

As I expected, it didn't take him that long. That was good, as I was starting to get more and more nervous waiting for him.

"Can I join you?" he asked. He'd put on some clean underwear and crawled in bed with me.

We were both now lying on our sides, looking at each other.

"I'm not sure where to start, Francis," I said. "I know you have questions and I want to answer them. I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for them."

"You are, Nick. You can do it. Although I may have questions, you only need to tell me what you want. That's all I expect ... nothing more. Oh, and remember. I love you ... that is something that will never change."

Oh! I hope so! I was so afraid that he'd never want me again after I told him how I felt.

"What happened, Nick? I know we were having a good time ... and then you froze."

"I was having flashbacks, Francis ... and not nice flashbacks."

His face indicated that he expected that answer.

"They scared me ... no ... 'scare' isn't the right word. They went by so fast! You know ... emotions of pleasure ... excitement ... our kissing ... and then ...." Tears started to flow down my cheek as I reviewed what had happened. "Pain ...," I continued with a sigh. "Pain and ... more pain, I guess. Incredible pain ... of being thrown from the heights of having fun with you, Francis, to the depths of those ugly moments from my past."

I saw his tears streaming down his face now, too. His hand reached for my face and brushed the tears from my face. He waited for me to go on.

"You know ... I'd worried about it ... but, like the dreams, I expected the flashbacks to disappear if I was with you."

"You've had them before?"

"Hmmmm ... yea," I confessed. "You know, I'm a guy ... so you didn't expect me to stay celibate for all those weeks, did you? But I've learned ... oh, yea ... I've learned my lesson the hard way. I was crushed the first time it happened. I'm so afraid, Francis ... so afraid they'll never go away. You know?"

"They will. You know that it will take time ... but they will go away."

"I don't know! They're so strong, so intense, so ..." I wasn't sure if I could go on or not. I closed my eyes.

"Flashbacks of the last time, Nick? You last time in the hotel?"

I opened my eyes and looked at his face. "Yea," I said quietly. "And from the times before ... they all arrive together."

"Oh," he said. "That's worse."

"Yea ... incredibly so, Francis." I couldn't have dared to say that word some minutes ago, but I knew that it was the truth. "So humiliating," I continued. "You know ... they're so opposite to the feelings of love and excitement that I felt when we were making out, Francis. I think that the deep divide between them shocked me the most."

"You want tell me about them, Nick? About those flashbacks?"

Could I, I asked myself. Should I? Would it help? I looked into his eyes again ... those full of love eyes. I knew I could trust him.

"Well, they go back to the times with Mike, as you might have guessed, Francis. Do you really want to know?"

"If it helps to share, yea ... if not, then don't, Nick."

"Oh, I want to you know everything, Francis! There's nothing more than that. I'm just afraid of it all ... I don't want to relive that, you know."

"You won't! I'm here now, not Mike."

"Well, the flashbacks date back to the hotel. The doctor warned me that it might happen, you know. He said that Mike had almost brainwashed me. I haven't told him yet ... he was right ... so I don't know if he has a treatment to end them."

I waited for a moment to see where my mind was heading. I felt this was right: the doctor had been right ... it had been conditioning.

"You know what? I'd never have expected he could be right ... but he was. I guess that's what is making me so afraid, Francis. What if he's right? Then I'll never, never be able to enjoy sex any more ... you know ... never ... never." Panic now entered my voice.

I could feel myself start to tremble.

Francis took me in his arms, my head resting on his shoulder. I continued. "You probably won't understand this ... but you will when you know what happened, Francis. It'll hurt you as I know that you get hurt when I get hurt ... but I know you can handle it. You're strong ... you have to be, for me," I whispered in his ear ... afraid that someone would hear me.

"I can't think of the future if this is going to continue. I know you love me ... and I know I love you ... but if we have to go on without sex? I just don't know, Francis.

I guess that's the other fear that I have. I'm so afraid that some day, those flashbacks are going to break me mentally. I want so much to feel you ... to touch you ... to cuddle with you ... but also to give joy ... and receive joy from you ... but not if I continue to have the flashbacks. If it's a form of conditioning, then I don't know what will break it."

Francis whispered back, "We'll do that together, my love, for you and your love for me. With those feelings, we can overcome anything we want."

"Maybe ... but you should know what happened to fully understand, Francis. Are you ready for that?"

"You know I am, Nick. I can be strong for you. I've been that in the past."

"You promise you won't want to run away from me?"

He pushed me back now and, while looking into my eyes, said, "Never, Nick, never again. We promised that two days ago and I'm not about to give that up."

I saw love in his eyes ... I knew he meant it. His eyes could never lie to me ... that was impossible.

"I know ... I trust you, Francis." I took a deep breath, looked away from him, and quietly starting to tell my tale.

"It wasn't a problem in the beginning, you know ... as it was just lust ... I was full of lust the first few times that I came ... but then, after he went to bed and he started to use me in ways I never knew someone could ... then, it must have happened. He broke me. It became a kind of routine, and I couldn't stop. I was totally in the control of the devices he used on me ... and they kept doing it to me, time after time. I got some rest in between sessions ... but he brought them back, time after time. At some point I think I was so tired, the only thing that was moving was my dick and balls, time after time. I have no idea how long it went on ... long after the point that I had any bodily fluids to give any more. Slowly the process started to drain me ... drain my energy ... drain my thought process ... drain my feelings of joy that normally go with sex ... ending up in a total drainage of my balls."

I'm not sure how long I kept talking, but I went on speaking quietly for quite a long time, one sentence after another. I'm not sure if he found it hard to hear or not.

"I couldn't stop it ... I didn't pass out ... no, I relived those feelings, time after time ... until it all started to run together ... getting hard, getting ready to shoot, the pain of nothing there, the pain of being drained ... then, when it stopped, the pain of having been used, humiliated."

Yea ... it was the pain of the humiliation ... and me wallowing in it until the next wave of humiliation came again. I wasn't sure if I could explain that bit to him. Could I? Would I, I wondered? This is what the doc had wanted me to talk to Francis about. He'd said that it would take the wall away that I'd built between us from the moment Francis had heard that Mike had been using me. I hadn't been able to tell Francis the way that I'd let Mike do that to me. But could I? Could I do it now? Was this the time to continue and break down the wall, layer by layer, stone by stone?

I looked at him again. His understanding of my pain was apparent in his eyes. I must admit, it felt good that I'd told him this.

"He used you like that? He's ... he's ... unspeakable! My god, no, Nick ... tell me it's not true!" He started to cry now ... big, wet tears were running down his cheeks.

"Yea, but he can't hurt me now... not any more, Francis."

"Oh, but Nick ..." I saw his eyes move towards my dick and balls now. With that look, he brought the pain right back to them ... the feeling I'd had after it had happened ... the feeling that I'd had the morning after, of being totally broken.

"My god! If I'd have known, I'd have never gotten you off, Nick! Never! You have to know that! I love you. I don't want you to relive that ... not ever again."

"Shush ... I know, Francis. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's Mike's fault ... and we have to keep that in mind every time we talk about it or do something about it ... OK?"

He nodded.

"I need you, Francis. I need your support, so we can be strong together."

He smiled now. "Oh, Nick! You know I love you and I would never ...not even for this reason ... abandon you."

"You must have questions, Francis?" I asked him after we'd been quiet for some time, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"You're sure you'll be able to answer them?"

"Come on! We're getting somewhere now."

For the next 20 minutes, we talked ... well, he asked questions and I answered them. I told him in more detail what had happened in the hotel room.

Sometimes my voice was strong ... sometimes it was shaking and I wondered whether I'd be able to go on.

"Incredible! I never thought that such a device would exist, Nick."

"Me, neither, Francis ... but now, I'm afraid I'll never be able to forget it."

"Yea, I can see that ... but we'll get past it, I know we will."

"I don't know, Francis. Those flashbacks are intense ... not only visually, but even more in feelings that race through my body the moment I ... well, you know ... come."

"We can't change that now. We'll have to wait till you are back in the USA so we can talk with the shrink, right?"

"I guess so."

"Come here." He took me again in his arms and we hugged.

When he finally let go, I looked at him and gave him a gentle kiss on his cheek. He responded with a longer one on my mouth.

"Hmmm, you smell nice from the bath soap, Francis."

"Yea, you'd better get into the shower too, Nick."

But I wanted to tell him more. He deserved that and now that I'd started, I'd better finish.

"How late is it?" I asked him.

"Just after 11 ... we have another 30 minutes or so before we have to meet the others."

"Well, we'd better hurry up, then we can chat later again when we get back ... or tomorrow, if you prefer."

"OK ... so, are you ready to have some fun today, Nick?"

"I will be, as long as you're there with me, Francis."

"I will be, don't worry, Nick. I'll be at your side forever."

We kissed and I knew I had to tell him more ... but I was happy, on the other hand, that I didn't have to do it now. I needed time ... time to distance myself from reliving all the horror of the hotel that morning ... first in the flashbacks ... then in repeating it to Francis.

I got into the shower and we made back downstairs just in time to meet the others for breakfast.

"Hey, you two! Did you have a good night's rest, guys?" James asked.

"Yea, thanks! You, too?" I asked with a wink in my eyes.

"Oh, yea. We chatted a long time with that guy at the bar. Alexei and he have been friends for a long time, so it was nice to hear all the gossip about Alexei."

"Hey! You stop that! I was embarrassed enough last night!" Alexei interrupted ... and, just to make sure that James would stop saying anything, he kissed him on the lips.

"Come on, guys! You should have gone to bed early ... then you wouldn't be so gossipy this morning," David said.

"Oh, we definitely need to find you some girl today, David," I said.

"No, I'm committed to only one, as you know."

"We'll see."

David started to blush now.

When Alexei and James had come back up for some air, Alexei said, "Well, we'll be seeing a lot of people today ... so, who knows? You might even find someone nice, David."

"Oh, stop that! I'm not looking, as you all know."

"So ... I hope you slept OK ... as we have a nice, long day ahead of us ... with lots of dancing."

"Good! Sounds like a plan to me," I said.

"Yea ... we know you love to dance, Nick," James said.

"We all can have some fun this afternoon. The guy we talked to last night is a member of a gay gymnastic organization here, and they're taking part in today's parade. Last night, he invited us to join them today in the parade. We'd be able to dance on the boat and go through the canals, instead of standing on a corner watching it at all. How does that sound?"

"Yeaaa!!!" we all shouted.

"So we need to be there in 45 minutes to get ready. We'll have something to eat ... the boat is one of the last ones in the parade, so we probably won't start until 3 p.m. or so. He wasn't sure how long it'd take us to complete it all, but it could take us two hours or more."

"Good! This should be fun!" Francis said.

"Oh, you'll like the guy ... he was really nice to talk with last night," James said.

We chatted a bit more. It seems that the guy had been a former coach of Alexei's and had been living and training youngsters in the Netherlands for quite some time. They'd met several times during the last few years. We walked for about 45 minutes until we came to the starting point of the parade, on the harbor at the entrance to one of city's many canals. It was a chaotic picture of people, all preparing for the parade. There were an incredible number of boats on the water. Music came towards us from every side. The whole production seemed massive to us. The last part of our walk to the starting point had been along the canal route, and it was crowded with people on both sides and on the bridge that we had crossed.

We were welcomed aboard the boat by Alexei's friend. Several guys were already there and we were hugged and kissed. It was what you'd call a very warm welcome. Language was not a problem as they spoke pretty good English ... something I'd already noticed most Dutch people could do.

"OK, Alexei. I managed to get a pommel horse to put on board; it'll be brought aboard in a few minutes. We're going to put that on the middle of the podium so we can demonstrate what we do for sports. Others will perform other sports around the sides of the boats, and we'll have people dancing on either side of the pommel horse. We've created some dance steps to do to each piece of music that we'll dance during the demonstrations."

"Good! Sounds like a plan to me," Alexei said.

"Can we learn that dance?" I asked.

"Do any of you want to join in on the pommel horse and the dancing?" he asked us.

"Yea, we'd love to," Francis and I said.

"Ahhh! You must be the two naturally gifted love birds!" he said.

We blushed. "Sorry, guys," James said. "Alexei mentioned you several times last night, so shoot him if you want."

"There's no need to do that but that's what Alexei said. Anyone he says shows promise for the future must be good, as I know he's not one to give out compliments."

Now we really started to blush.

"Can anyone show us the dance?" I asked, trying to get away from this embarrassing subject.

"Sure. Go over to the other side of the boat ... the guys there should be able to help you."

Francis, James and I walked toward the other end. A few of the guys were practising some steps and we were invited to join in. For the next 15 minutes, they taught us the steps ... steps that required us to have a ball in our hands most of the times. Some of the guys really looked gay; others I wouldn't have been able to tell their orientation if I'd bumped into them on the street.

They had a program of about 15 minutes that would be repeated several times.

It involved the exercise on the pommel horse, the dancing we did, and some impromptu dancing as well.

We were brought together at the bow of the boat. Beside the podiums there were lots of balloons in the rainbow colors and a big sign with the name of the club on it. Some loud music broadcast from the back and some tables were placed up front.

The guy who seemed to be the president of the club started off with a small speech, telling us that we'd all eat first before we started off. He outlined the safety rules and told us to have a good time. He gave us visitors a special welcome and told us to do whatever we wanted and to have fun.

While we were eating, the first boats started off into the canal. We were well placed to see each float leave before we had to set off. I heard some yelling coming from one of them and all of us looked in that direction. There was a boat that was painted all in black and some cages had been erected on it. In the cages were several naked guys. More guys, dressed in their underwear, were chained at several locales on the boat. I felt myself start to shiver. I felt an arm around me and I could smell Francis. He was there right for me, just as he'd promised. I looked at him and gave him a smile.

"You OK?" he whispered softly.

"Yea," and I looked away from it all. It had gotten me confused again ... confused about the feelings I had, seeing those guys.

"Oh, my god, no!" David yelled as Francis led me to the other side of the boat so I wouldn't see any more. I didn't know why he screamed that. We started to talk to some of the Dutch guys on the boat. The pommel horse was brought on board and safely installed so it couldn't move around. We all got around on it and I could see that we were the best float by far.

Then the boat slowly started to move towards the first bridge, entering the Prinsengracht as the canal was named. It was the third ring of canals which circled the center of Amsterdam. It finished on the other side in the river Amstel where the parade route ended.

We were standing on the rear of the boat and I saw that, when the bow approached a bridge, the guys would lie down. Of course! That was the only way to pass under it! We dropped down going underneath the first of many bridges to follow.

The guy in control of the music must have done this before and knew what to expect, as he pumped up the volume the moment the front of the boat passed the bridge. Lying on my stomach, I saw the guys start to dance as soon as they got up. When we rose, we could hear the roars that had started from the crowds on either side. Although I had no idea what kind of song it was, the crowd joined in. Incredible, I thought and started to dance along. When the song was finished, the DJ announced the name of Alexei Nemov, which must have been well known as people began to applaud as soon as he started to do his routine on the pommel horse. He was followed this time by David and one of the Dutch guys. Everyone on the boat kept dancing. When they finished their routines, I was pulled up to one of the platforms by a guy our age and we started dancing. I'm not sure if he knew I could dance but he was good and, together, we gave quite a hot demonstration. I was afraid that Francis wouldn't like it but, when I saw him smiling, I knew it was OK and let myself get into the music. The others were still dancing along as well. Then the music quieted, we got a big round of applause and, when I looked up, I saw that the next bridge was already upon us. People on the bridge threw stuff down ... flowers, money, candies ... on us while we were lying there.

This went on for quite some time as we sailed down the canal, under one bridge after another. Tens of thousands of people were standing along both banks of the canal while some hung out of windows or sat on balconies. This was fun, moving down the channel, passing one bridge after another. We all did some routines on the pommel horse and we danced. As we approached the river Amstel, the boats stayed close to the side, for it looked like even more people were crowded along the banks.

Just before we entered the river, we stopped and a police officer stepped onto the boat. He talked with Alexei and David for some time. I saw them pointing at me, but I was kept busy as now I was dancing with Francis. He kept my attention as again we danced like we'd never danced before. I'd gotten his t-shirt off and on the podium I slowly started to rub sun lotion all over him, making his body nice and shiny. He followed by doing the same to me, our hands still moving over our muscles, chest, and nipples. Oh! It was hot, I can tell you, as I was aroused, my dick pressing against my shorts. As we found out later, the crowd went wild at seeing us but, at that point, we only had eyes for each other. The world had stopped to exist for us.

There was only Francis for me ... his beautiful body, his soft voice that kept singing along with the music. I'd recognized the song, as it had been played before. It was a song from the group U2.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard I'm just trying to find a decent melody A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool But darling look at you You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake, the colors that you bring The nights you filled with fireworks They left you with nothing I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me I listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see

[Oh, yea, I thought. He was right about that, as I felt energized by the emotions of Francis singing. I felt my eyes start to tear up.]

And you are such a fool To worry like you do I know it's tough, and you can never get enough Of what you don't really need now...my oh my

You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it Oh love, look at you now You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

[Yea, stuck in a moment that I would relive for all my life! It felt like that ... a moment that, if it had never happened, I'd never be forced to deal with it all ... but maybe ... maybe it had actually made our bond tighter. I wondered.]

I was unconscious, half asleep The water is warm 'til you discover how deep... I wasn't jumping ... for me it was a fall It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it Don't say that later will be better Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

[These last few weeks had gone past, me seemingly in a daze, walking around, not wanting to deal with it, unable to think about it ... but reality had gotten me now, there was no running away from it, no ignoring it any more.]

And if the night runs over And if the day won't last And if our way should falter Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over And if the day won't last And if your way should falter Along this stony pass It's just a moment This time will pass

[Yes, Francis was right ... it will pass. It has to ... otherwise, how can I continue to live? I needed him ... I needed him to be strong for me.]

In my mind the song kept on going and Francis kept singing it for a long time. Then I realized ... I was crying, not gently but in deep sobs. I opened my eyes and saw other people looking at us from time to time ... some with concern on their faces, but not all.

I was still holding Francis. I could still hear him whisper, but now his words didn't reach my mind any more.

It was James who got us out of our trance.

"Come on, guys! It's time to thank them and leave ... the parade is over and we're at the end."

I let go of Francis and looked him in his eyes. "I'll never forget this, Francis."

"Me neither, Nick ... never."

"Come on, you two lovebirds ... the others are waiting."

I became more aware of my surroundings and saw that the boat had docked and the first people were already leaving. Alexei and David were standing with the guy who arranged it all. There was someone else with them and they seemed to be talking quite animatedly.

"OK ... let's go out of here. I'm tired and ready for some food. All that dancing made me hungry."

We walked past Alexei and David and shouted, "Come on, guys ... food time!" I was ready to go but they looked a bit concerned ... but they joined us in the end.

"Where to now?" I asked.

"Well, you said you were hungry. Why don't we sit down somewhere? We can have a rest, sit, drink and have some food if you want."

"Sounds like a plan."

We walked towards Rembrandt Square, where we sat down on the terrace and had something to drink and eat. It had been quite warm and it was good to sit down for a bit. We could see that, in both streets, the parties were starting to get lively again, but we needed to rest and eat first before dancing again.

At one point Alexei's phone rang. He answered it and talked for about ten minutes. I kept talking with Francis and James. It seemed that my brother was distracted, more interested in the phone call Alexei was having.

When Alexei hung up, David asked straight off, "And? What did they say?"

"Later, David ... OK? I don't think this is a good time to talk about it."

David looked around and realized that we were listening to their conversation.

"Yea, I guess you're right."

"What's going on, guys? It didn't look as if you were having a good time when we left the boat and now this again," Francis noted.

"Leave it for now, Francis. We'll explain tomorrow."

"No, I think I want to hear more. It's not like you to be secretive," I added.

"Well, I need to be tonight ... so, you won't get it out of me. Stop asking and let's get some food."

I found it very strange that he totally refused to talk. I'd never seen him so decisive before. We kept on talking, but I saw some non-vocal communication going on between Alexei and David and, whatever was happening, David seemed pleased by it all.

For the next few hours, I forgot about everything else as we danced, talked and enjoyed ourselves for quite some time. We danced together, Francis and me, just like we had that afternoon, together on the boat. He was right: this was a day we'd never forget. We went into the clubs when the street parties ended and met a number of people, all enjoying the evening.

Around 4 or so, I thought it was time to head back as I was starting to feel tired. I was quite drained by all that had happened that day. In our room, I saw that Francis was tired, too.

"You enjoyed that, Nick?" he asked.

"Yea, I did, Francis," I whispered softly.

"You know, Nick ... after last week, this all looks too good to be true. It was something I didn't expect to happen ... but I'm glad we made up. We belong together ... that's something I know."

"Yea ... me, too. Let's get to sleep."

We got undressed and I saw that he was putting on a show with his nice, hard dick outlined in his boxers and I knew that mine was just happy to say "hi" back. But we just slid into bed and cuddled. We fell asleep with my hand on his chest.

When I woke up, the sun was shining through the curtains. My hands were still resting on his chest. I moved a bit so I could stroke his nipples, which were hard. I opened my eyes and saw that he was asleep but he moved a bit from time to time. I loved him ... oh, yes ... I loved him so much.

My mind went back to the day before. It had been an incredible day ... just an interminable day of celebrations. It was good that we'd had that talk in the morning. I knew he had the right to know more ... and there was more. I wanted no secrets any more between us. I didn't want to doubt him any more. We'd promised to be open and I knew now how important that was. I needed to tell him the last bit ... the bit about why I felt like I felt ... but that wouldn't be easy. But after yesterday, I knew he'd understand ... or, at least, I hoped he would.

I moved a bit closer and kissed his chest.

"Yea, go on," he whispered softly.

"Oh, no! You're just bugging me ... I knew you were awake already," I said.

He opened his eyes. "So you don't want to go on, then?" he said with a smile.

"Always," I said, smiling. "But not now."

"Oh!" He gave me a kiss after saying that. "Hmmmm ... you look a bit preoccupied. What's going on in that conniving mind of yours, Nick?"

"Nothing," I said ... but I knew it didn't sound convincing.

"Oh, if that's nothing, then I'm not sure I can trust you when you said that you enjoyed yesterday."

"Yea, I did, tremendously, Francis. I'll never forget that day."

"Good."

"But we didn't completely finish our chat yesterday, Francis, and I feel that we need to do some more talking."

"Hmmm ... what about, Nick?"

"Well ... it's about me and ... well ... you know ... why ... and stuff."

"OK ... if you're up for that, I'm ready ... but I didn't expect you to tell me that quite yet."

"I need to, Francis. I can't live with the idea that it stands between us."

"OK ... if you think so ... but we can wait if you wish."

"No ... I think it's time."

"Oh," was his only response.

"Yes. You know why I tried to distance myself from you ... why I've been so cold to you most of the time in the last month or so ... why I flirted with everyone I could since that weekend in Cologne."

He just nodded.

I took his hands in mine. I wanted to feel a connection.

"You asked me some time ago, I think, why I started it with Mike ... what had happened ... how I could let him? I've talked with the shrink about that a lot, Francis ... and he's helped me to come to a conclusion. I have no idea if you'll like it or not ... but it's a part of me ... a part of who I am."

I saw looking at me intensely. He'd strengthened his grip on my hands. I think we were both afraid that one of us would let go.

"It was a real shock to understand that about myself, Francis. It was something I didn't think was true ... but it seems it is. I thought that I'd been pressured to do all those things with Mike ... that the doctors had manipulated me into it all as a test. Do you remember that evening?"

"Yes. Is that when it started?"

"Yea, they had those tests ... and they proved that I liked to play ... well, the sorts of games I did with Mike. I'd be the one enduring it all and ... well ... they used those feelings against me, Francis."

"So you were tricked into it? But did you like it from the start, or did you feel coerced?"

"Both, Francis. At first, I thought it was pretty exciting ...the way you feel the first time you discover wanking. But later, when we moved on ... and definitely after what happened in the basement ... I felt more and more coerced."

"That's no surprise, Nick. We've all felt like that."

"Maybe ... but all along, even though I felt pressured ... I still got very excited by the idea ... and especially when we played ... for example, the stuff we did in the locker room. To be exposed in front of others was something both nice and ugly. I knew we had to do it ... but, at the same time, the pressure to do it didn't prevent me from getting hard.

Even when I started to understand it all a little, I couldn't prevent it from happening.

That day in the hotel, I got excited at first. I couldn't control it. I felt ashamed, too, to be honest. But it seems that's a part of me. The doctor said I was aroused ... excited ... from being humiliated."

"But there's nothing wrong with that, is there, Nick? It's not a mental illness or something?"

Oh, he's not getting this, I thought. Now what?

"No, it's not a disease, Francis ... but this goes a bit deeper. Remember the last time we were together? I was so incredibly horny, I'd have allowed you to do anything. I wanted to be used. I was scared when that happened ... my passions had completely taken over that evening. I know I was willing to submit to you that evening ... more than I ever had before with Mike or anyone else."

"Oh, but we talked about that on Friday. I topped you and you topped me."

"Maybe ... but still, I just get incredibly turned on by submission ... if I'm humiliated ... sometimes even in front of others. You remember the day you took me to get all those gymnastic outfits?"

I continued to tell him a few more things that I did with Mike, hoping that he would understand how I felt. Gradually his face started to show that he was beginning to understand.

"You mean that you wanted me to use you like that, Nick?"

Oh, he's getting it now, I thought. That was the question that I knew would come eventually ... but I was definitely not ready for it at that point.

"I don't know, Francis. I don't think so. I feel love for you, nothing else. But I definitely still have those feelings from time to time. I had them before the hotel incident and, after that? Well, I'm not sure ... but I probably will. I don't have the urge to follow up on them, though ... I just get excited when, for example, I have to display myself somewhere in my underwear ... or pee in my pants ... or you dominating me, ordering me to suck you long and hard."

"So ... you want me to use you then?"

"No, not like that, Francis. Not at all ... but if it comes up in our sexplay, then I might react positively ... or I might also be out of control, you know? It's difficult to stop then as my feelings urge me on."

"Hmmm, I think I understand ... it's almost like cumming ... being at a point that, even if you stop playing with yourself, you'll still cum because you're beyond the point of no return."

"Yea ... something like that, Francis. I'm sure it's difficult to understand ... but I can't help it. It's just a part of who I am. But remember ... I love you and I never want to hurt you."

"Oh, I think I can understand a little of what you feel ... sometimes I feel the same."

"You mean that?"

"Yes ... you've never seen my response when I eat strawberries."

"What have strawberries got to do with all this?"

"Well ... I get hard ... very hard ... when I eat them. They are really a turnon for me."

"Oh! That's good to know," I said with a devilish smile on my face.

We looked at each other and then we kissed ... a long, wet, sloppy kiss.

We cuddled for some time and then there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" I yelled. The door opened.

"Breakfast in 30, if you're up for it," James said, sticking his head around the door.

"Yep ... sounds like a plan to me," Francis said.

"OK. See you then."

We showered together, enjoying each other's body again ... but we stopped before we got too carried away. We both knew that wasn't a good idea at the moment.

We met the others in the restaurant where we had breakfast together.

Alexei got another call and he was now arguing quietly on the phone. He ended the call. OK ... I guess I had to ask if I was going to find anything out.

"Anything wrong?" David asked, before any of us could say anything.

" Maybe. I guess we'd better go upstairs first."

"What's wrong?" Francis asked.

"Let's go upstairs and talk."

We followed Alexei to his room where we all set down.

"Sorry, guys, but I'd hoped you could be kept out of this until we got back to the USA ... but it seems that that plan can't work ... so I guess I need to do some explaining."

"Oh ... OK. Has this got anything to do with yesterday's phone call?" Francis asked.

"Yes, it has. Why don't the two of you come and sit on the bed?" Alexei said.

What is going on, I wondered. Why did he want us together? I looked at him, worried. He got closer to me and then he knelt down in front of us.

"I'm sorry, Nick ... Francis. I never wanted this fabulous weekend to end."

"What, Alexei? What is going on? Did someone die?" I said.

"No, Nick ... nothing like that ... but, still, something that will shock you."

He waited again. Looking at Francis and then at me, he continued, "You're together again, aren't you?"

"Hmmm, yea," we both said at the same time, looking at each other and smiling.

"OK, you might need each other. I know we're all here for you, Nick."

I was started to get really worried now.

"Yesterday, do you remember that David screamed something?"

"Hmmm ... yea ... but I just thought he'd just seen a cute girl."

"No, he didn't, Nick, he saw something that I couldn't let pass ... something I needed to take action on. That was why I was talking with that policeman later on, before we got off the boat."

"Police? Why?"

"Well, David and later I saw that some familiar people were on that boat with the cages. The doctors were on board that boat, Nick."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," I said with a scream. I started to shiver.

"They've been captured, Nick. They can't hurt you any more."

I looked at Alexei. Had I heard him correctly? Did he say they'd been caught?

"Good," Francis said.

"Yes, it's good news, isn't it, Nick?" Alexei said.

I didn't know what to say. I was now safe from them ... safe from being hurt somehow by them ... and they would pay for what they'd done, I knew that."

"Yea, good," I said softly.

"But we have a problem. They want you to identify them, Nick. They said they need that or else they can't extradite them to the USA."

"No!" Francis shouted.

I was about to yell, but he beat me and my scream was silenced.

"We'll be there with you, Nick. You don't have to go alone."

"Are you sure there's no other way?" Francis asked.

"Not if we want to make sure they go on trial in the USA," Alexei said.

"Will he need to see them face to face ... or is it just like at home ... he can see them but they can't see him?"

"I haven't asked them that, but I suppose that that's the case," Alexei said.

"When?" I said quietly.

"The sooner the better, I think. They're going to pick us up in an hour if that's OK with you."

"I guess," I said, without too much enthusiasm.

We had something to drink but we more or less kept quiet. I could feel the tension in the room. I was torn from one emotion to another. I got the feeling that I was losing it. I wouldn't ... I knew that ... but what if I did? There were so many new questions ... so much to think about ... but, then again, I wanted them to be punished for what they'd done. I wanted to make sure that I could sleep safely and not need to be afraid any more of either of them showing up.

"Let's go," I said after we'd been there for 45 minutes. "I have to do this, so we'd better do it now."

"Oh, OK," Alexei said. They all started to stand up but I didn't want them all to come along.

"Would you mind staying here, David and James?"

"You don't want me there, Nick?" David asked.

"No, sorry, David ... but I think that with Francis and Alexei there, that will be enough." He looked a bit disappointed, as I knew he wanted to be there for me.

We got downstairs and the police were already waiting ... so we left with them. It was a bit strange to be picked up like that ... being taken to a precinct, as if we were the criminals.

When we entered the building, we were taken to a separate room. They informed us what to expect. I indeed needed to identify them and make a short statement. I wouldn't have to face them, so that was good.

The identification went quickly as there was no way that I wouldn't recognize them. It felt odd ... and a bit of a relief as well as I did that. We were then brought back to the office we'd first used and I had to answer some questions. They didn't go into events very deeply as they'd already gotten the warrant information that the FBI had put out.

As we left the office, some guy walked past me and I felt something slipped into my pocket. I got it out and opened it.

It read: "We'll always be there. You'll never forget us and, in the end, you'll want us ... as that is what you need.

The world started to spin. I could feel Francis take the note out of my hand. How could they? How did they get a guy to do this? How? My god! What if they were right? I could hear them still ... everything that had been said when he got caught last time, visiting our place.

Francis caught me just in time. I think I lost consciousness. The next thing I remembered, I was lying on the bed in our room. I opened my eyes slowly and looked into his face.

"Hi!" he said.

"Hi, Francis. Where are we?"

"Back in our hotel room."

"I guess it got a bit too much for me."

"Yea ... well ... who could have known that they'd do something like that?"

"I ... I should have known ... and I should have been prepared, Francis. I knew they were in Europe. I ... well ... I think they were in Cologne, too ... and they ... well, let's say ... pressured me a bit down there. I didn't see them ... I only heard some voices ... but I'm now sure that they were there."

"Oh! You should have told us."

"Maybe ... but at the time, I wasn't sure."

"Come here."

He got closer to me and we hugged. His warm body felt like home. I knew I could trust him. He'd be there for me and I would be there for him.

We snuggled ... my back against his chest ... our legs tangled together ... his dick resting against my ass ... his breath caressing my neck ... his hand around my chest.

How much safer could a person feel? How much more love could there be?

"I love you, Francis," I whispered.

Well that is it for this chapter. ... will there be more. I don't know to be honest. I have lots of idea so who knows. You want me to continue or start a new story write to noway16@hotmail.com.