"Coming Out Of The Dark"
By Chris Engelke (chris_engelke@yahoo.com)
DISCLAIMER: As far as I know, nothing in this story is in any way true. Nobody from either *N Sync or Backstreet Boys have officially come out yet, but I think we all have strong suspicions about a few of the guys.
I hope y'all enjoy the story. Please send me e-mail to the address above. I really don't know if what I am writing is any good or not. Also, if you have an idea for a future storyline, please write to me! I love getting e-mail!
CHAPTER 5
Lance walked into Tom's room with a stern look on his face. The rest of the group knew that with that look on his face, Lance meant business. They left the room quickly.
"Lance, I can explain..." Tom started to say, but was interrupted by Lance.
"Shut up! Just shut the fuck up and listen to me!" Lance yelled.
Tom was pissed off when Lance yelled at him. "Excuse me! I don't deserve to be treated like that!"
"I don't think you can tell me how to treat people! Don't you know how hurt and angry I am right now?"
"Yes! I know that! I hate myself for doing what I did to you! I know I fucked up! You fucked up too! Why didn't you ever tell Chris that you loved me?"
"I didn't know you felt the same way about me! How was I supposed to know?"
"Right now, it doesn't matter how I feel about you?" Tom said.
What Tom said really scared Lance. Were they not meant to be together, despite what he felt? "Why?"
"Because you still led Chris to believe you were in love with him. The truth was you never loved him. Even I know you shouldn't do that!"
"Even you? What's that supposed to mean?"
"James, let me tell you a story about me. I don't like talking about it too much. I'd spent many years as a loner. For about 10 years, I would have the minimal interaction with anyone. I never dated. I'd go to work, and then go home. I was home all weekend."
"How did you get past that?"
"About three and a half years ago, I saw a play. I developed a crush on one of the actors. I was extremely shy back then. I had a chance to talk with him, but totally chickened out. I think that had to have been the worst I have ever felt. I wanted to die."
Lance cringed when he heard Tom wanted to die then. Despite the fighting they have been doing, he still loved Tom deeply.
Tom continued his story. "A few months later, I had the chance to see another guy from that show. I fell hard for him. We finally made contact a few months after that, thanks to what seems like an embarrassing note. We made contact initially through e-mail then we finally spoke later that winter. The rest is history. I know deep in my heart, he is the biggest reason why I am still here today. He always could have rejected me because I was freaking out quite a bit with him. I spent so much time alone that I didn't think that anyone could ever want to be friends with me."
Lance stopped the tears that were falling down his face while he was listening to Tom. "Did you end up dating either guy?"
"No." Tom sighed. "The first guy is straight and the second has been in a relationship for about 5 years."
"You are gonna have to introduce me to that second guy. I need to thank him for being such a good friend to you. If it weren't for him, I'd never have met you and fallen for you."
"That's not gonna happen." Tom softly said.
"Why? Did you guys have a fight?"
"Not really. He's been out of town a lot, doing a one-man show across the country. We haven't been in contact in a very long time. I think he eventually got sick and tired of my whining. Can we stop talking about this? It still really hurts a lot."
"I'm sorry if I pushed you, Tom." Lance meekly said.
"You don't have anything to apologize for, James."
"Can I ask one last question about him?"
"Go ahead." Tom replied, scared of what the question would be.
"Did he ever tell you that he didn't want you in his life?" Lance asked.
"No, but I never got the feeling that he really did like having me in his life. When he first met, he hadn't achieved the success and popularity he eventually did. Because of that, he always loved hearing my praising him. Now it means nothing." Tom began to cry. "I'm gonna be seeing him again soon, but I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can handle it."
Lance hugged Tom tightly. "I am so sorry, baby! Why do you even have to see him?"
"He's coming back in town and is doing a show at a theater I volunteer at quite a lot. I've known for a year about this and it took until a few weeks ago for me to decide if I'd be there at all for it."
"If he hurt you so much, why did you decide to be there?"
"Part of me is actually looking forward to see him. He is a wonderful actor. My opinion of his talent never changed. I wish I had the money to just get out of town."
Lance's normally bright green eyes brightened up even more. "You can come with me!"
Tom was stunned. He knew that he loved Lance and that Lance loved him, but wasn't it way too early for him to pick up everything and move to Orlando with Lance? He knew he wasn't ready for that. He adamantly replied, "No!"
"Why not?"
"Did you forget how we hurt each other?"
"No. There were good reasons."
"Maybe, maybe not. I have a lot of baggage. I'm not ready for a relationship. It wouldn't be fair, to either of us."
Lance started to cry. "Don't you love me?"
"Oh, baby!" Tom hugged Lance. "Of course I love you! I love you more than life! I'd die for you!"
"Then why won't you come with us?"
"I need to get past all of this shit I've carried with me for so many years."
Lance tried to reason with Tom. "But..."
"I know you're all there for me. It's not the only reason why. I don't have much money. I can't afford a vacation let alone moving down to Orlando."
"You can find a job down there."
"What will I do for money before I find a job?"
"You can move in with me."
"No, James. We're not even dating yet and you want us to live together?"
JC entered the room. "Scoop, we have to leave."
"Josh, there's still hours left until visiting hours are over. Or are you just sick of talking with a fuck up like me?" Tom sadly said.
"God, no, Tom! You know how much we love you! We have to go to Tampa."
"Tampa? Why? A vacation from me?" Tom asked.
Chris entered the room with Joey and Justin. "We're performing with Aerosmith!"
Joey added, "Don't forget Mary J. Blige and Nelly!"
"And Britney!" Justin beamed.
"Well, it did sound great until the end."
Justin pouted. "Don'tcha like my girl Britney?"
"Please, J! No more Justin-ebonics!" Chris said, and then hit him on the back of the head.
"Sorry, Justin. I just think she's way overrated."
Lance looked at his watch. "Guys, we're gonna have to leave if we're gonna catch our plane."
Tom sighed heavily. "I'm really gonna miss you guys."
Chris' eyes brightened, not unlike Lance's eyes just did. "Come with us."
Tom's eyes started to water. "No, Chris."
"No?" Chris said in amazement.
"I already tried, Chris." Lance softly said.
"Why won't you come with us?"
"There are a lot of reasons. I know I can get help down where you are close to me and it would be easier to heal. However, I need to raise the money to go down there and live while I look for a job."
"Is that it?" Joey replied. "We do have money, Tom. We're able to..."
Tom interrupted Joey. "No, Joe. I can't accept handouts."
"A loan?" Joey asked.
"Never between friends..."
"But..." Joey whined.
"Yes, Joey. You do have a sexy one!"
"Hey!" Joey snickered.
Everyone else laughed hard. "Sorry, Joe. It was just getting too serious in here. I hope none of you guys hate me, especially you, James. I love you guys more than anyone else I have ever known."
"We don't hate you, Tom!" Justin said.
JC added, "You're one of our best friends. We love you, too."
"Justin, I need one thing from you while I'm here and you're there." Tom asked Justin.
"Of course! What do you need?"
With a straight face, Tom responded, "Convince the other guys to my orgy idea."
Justin blushed. The laughing started again. "I thought you were joking before."
"You guys talked about that?" Lance said.
"Yes." Justin meekly replied. "I didn't think he was serious."
"Justin, remember that I do have a huge sexual appetite. I don't think any of you could keep up with me. Hell, I don't think all of you could keep up!"
"Lance, man, you're gonna dance even worse after you guys finally get together. Your legs will be so sore!"
"Not to mention your ass!" Joey joked.
Lance blushed deeply. "Joey!" He then hit Joey on the back of his head.
"I hope that we do get together, and I especially hope you all can forgive me."
"I understand, baby. I don't like it, but I understand."
"I'll be down there to visit in about a month. I'll even buy some Powerball tickets."
"What's the jackpot?"
"I think it's around $125 million. It'd probably be $3 to $4 million a year if I won. Of course I won't win."
"Someone has to win." Lance said then sighed. "Well, we really do have to go now."
"God, I'm gonna miss you guys!" Tom sadly said.
"Tom, just remember what I said. We all do love you." JC countered.
"I love you guys, too, Josh." Tom said. JC, Lance, Justin, Chris, and Joey started to leave, but Tom stopped them. "Josh, can I talk to you alone for a sec?"
"We'll be in the limo, Josh." Everyone but JC left.
"What's up, man?" JC inquired.
"Could you watch out for James?" Tom requested.
"Of course! I always keep an eye out for my guys."
"No. I want you to keep a real close eye on him. He and I never discussed his romantic past, so I don't know how this is gonna affect him."
"You don't want to know...trust me."
"What does that mean?"
"Yes, he's dated before." JC gave up. "He's cared about them deeply."
Tom didn't understand what JC was saying at first. "Josh, I didn't expect James to never have dated before." He paused briefly while he thought about what JC said. He finally got the gist of what JC meant. "Oh, God! I hope you are not telling me he's never fallen in love before." JC nodded then lowered his head. "Please! Don't tell me that!"
All JC said was, "I'm sorry you had to find out like this."
Tom grew very upset. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" He screamed. "I pray forever to have a wonderful guy fall in love with me. I finally get my wish for God know what reason and what happens? I totally fucked it up! I'm such a fucking loser! I don't deserve love!"
JC was increasingly distressed by Tom's change in attitude. "No, Tom! You are so not a loser! You are a wonderful, caring, loving, beautiful person who I am very proud to call my friend! You deserve love and you definitely deserve having Lance's love, and all of ours, too."
"No, none of that is true! If I was such a good person, why am I alone?"
"You're not alone! You have all five of us who love you. You've mentioned all of your theater work. You must have a lot of friends there." JC said desperately.
"No! I don't have any friends there. There are some people who tolerate me enough to talk to me, but no friends whatsoever. Why would anyone be friends with me?" He began to cry.
A doctor entered the room. "Mr. Chasez, would you please leave us alone for a minute? I need to speak with Tom."
"Sure. I need to speak with Lance. Tom, I'll be right back."
Tom turned extremely quiet. "Josh, you need to leave."
"I'll be right back." JC repeated, and then left the room. He saw that Lance, Justin, Joey, and Chris were still near Tom's room.
"There you are, Josh. We really do have to leave." Justin said.
"I'm staying." JC simply said.
"WHAT?" Justin said in surprise.
"I said I'm staying. Tom needs me here."
"Josh, there are doctors here who will take care of him." Chris said.
"You guys just don't get it." JC said, as tears fell down his face. "I think if he's left alone, he's going to kill himself. He'll do anything he has to do to succeed."
Lance was stunned, scared, and angry. "You're lying! You're fucking lying!"
"I wish I was, Lance. Trust me on this. He will kill himself if he's left alone."
"How do you know this for sure, Josh?" Chris asked, getting into his psychiatrist mode.
JC told them about his conversation with Tom and why he was so scared. By the end of the story, Lance joined JC in crying. Everyone else had tears and fear in their eyes. "I'm staying, too." Lance said.
"No, Lance." JC replied.
"Who are you to say I can't stay with him?" Lance angrily asked.
"He needs to get past his guilt over what happened with Chris. He can't do that with either of you here. Also, I need Justin and Joey to watch out for you for me and Tom."
"But..." Lance whined.
"I'm sorry, Lance. You know how I hate telling people what to do." JC was interrupted by Chris, Justin, and Joey cracking up. "WHAT?" he said.
"Josh, we don't call you Big Daddy for nothing." Joey snickered.
"ANYWAY, when do we start rehearsing for the Super Bowl?" JC asked.
"Two weeks. Why?" Lance replied.
"I will stay here with him during those two weeks. I'll even convince him to let me pay for his flight to us whenever he is ready."
"What if he's not ready by the time you leave? He'll be alone!" Lance complained.
"I'll talk to Michael. He cares about Tom greatly, maybe even more than we do, maybe more than he knows he does. I know he'll be here quickly when I let him know what's going on. He'll probably be here as much as he can. Once Tom is ready to fly, I will fly him to wherever we are."
"And if he's still not doing better once we finish the Super Bowl?"
"I'll fly back up here and be with him."
"You know that can't happen. We have to continue working on our next CD." Justin said.
"J, that's not as important as doing anything and everything I can to help a friend."
"Josh, are you in love with Tom?" Chris asked.
"Of course not!" JC replied with fury. "I love Justin!"
"Why does it have to be you that stays here and not me or Justin?" Joey asked.
"I am his best friend!" JC said, then stormed off. He was about to go back into Tom's room again when he saw the doctor leaving. "Doc, can I talk with you for a moment about Tom?"
"Of course." The doctor answered. "Let's go to my office." They walked silently to the doctor's office. JC tried his hardest not to lose his composure. Finally, they reached the office and entered. Once inside, the doctor asked JC what he needed to talk to him about.
"I'm really worried about Tom."
"It will take some time for him to get well enough to be released, but he is doing better."
"No. He's not getting better."
"I just checked him. He looks better. He'll need some counseling, but he's doing better."
"He's still suicidal. I was talking to him before you came in. It looked like he was giving up on everything and was planning on dying."
"Really? We will need to get him into counseling immediately. We had wanted to treat his physical injuries first before getting him into talking with someone about what is troubling him, but if it is that serious, I will arrange something."
"I need to be a part of whatever you do." JC demanded.
"That would be great, but considering how busy you are and how you're leaving for Tampa..." When JC raised his eyebrows, the doctor said, "I have a child who loves you guys very much. They tell me practically every step you guys make."
"We have two weeks until we need to start rehearsing for the Super Bowl."
"Two weeks is nowhere near enough time. He will need months of treatment."
"What if I bring him with me? Will he be able to travel then?"
"He might. If I do release him, it will be your responsibility."
"I understand. I just felt that he needed to be near his best friends. It could make things go better."
"OK. I will see how Tom is at that time."
"Thanks, doc!"
"It's good that Tom's boyfriend is able to stay and help him."
JC blushed. "I'm just his friend, not his boyfriend."
"It's OK, Mr. Chasez. That child I told you was a big fan is my son...my son who is gay."
JC didn't want to explain himself further, so he left the doctor's office and went back into Tom's room. Tom was surprised to see JC.
"Josh! You're still here!"
"Why wouldn't I be here?"
"You have a plane to catch."
"No, I don't."
"Excuse me?" Tom said, confused.
"I'm staying here."
Tom smiled when he heard that. "What?"
"Tom, I am very, very worried about you."
"Josh, you don't have to worry about me."
"One of my best friends wants to kill himself. Shouldn't that worry me?"
Tom hadn't thought about JC knowing what his emotional status was. He tried to lie his way out of the situation. "Suicidal? Josh, I'm not suicidal."
JC knew Tom was lying. He told Tom how scared he was for him. "Tom, how do you feel about me?"
Tom smiled again. "Joshua Scott Chasez, I love you very much. You are my brother. I know you know that. Did you think I was lying?"
"God, no, Tom! I just asked that because I wanted you to know how it would destroy me if you were to off yourself and I did nothing to help you. Please!! Please don't kill yourself!"
Tom sighed. "Josh, I don't want to die."
JC replied, I know what you told me earlier."
Tom started to yell. "Josh, I don't want to fucking die! I just don't want to live either!"
"What?" JC couldn't understand what Tom was saying.
"It's true. I know it sounds strange, but it's how I feel."
"Have you ever been really and truly happy?"
"Yes. It took all of my life, up until a few years ago for it to happen. I really was happy. I was still occasionally depressed. I don't think you can spend one hundred percent of your life happy. Everyone gets depressed at one point. You just can't let it overpower you. You have to fight it with every grain of strength and courage you have."
"You have that courage and strength to fight it and win."
Tom started to cry. "No, Josh. The really scary thing about this is that I know I shouldn't be like this, but I can't fight it. I don't know what's wrong with me! I am so fucking scared!"
"I am so sorry!!" JC hugged Tom tightly, trying to show him that he was there for him and he was indeed loved greatly. "I'm sorry you have to go through this! What can I do? Just name it and I will do it! I will do anything for you!" JC frantically said.
"You're here! You're doing so much already!" Tom bawled. "Please don't leave me!"
"I'm not going to leave you, man! I would hate myself if I left and something bad happened to you!"
"What's gonna happen when you have to leave and fly to Tampa?"
"I'll take you with me."
"What? You know that can't happen. The doctor wouldn't allow it."
"I already talked to the doctor. It all depends on how you are doing. He might clear you to travel. I promised him that if he would release you, I would take care of you."
"Does James know about this?"
"No. I talked to the doctor after they left. They weren't really happy that I was staying. I just left them and saw the doctor leaving your room."
"Please don't tell him yet." Tom asked.
"Why not?"
"If I am actually able to get released in a couple of weeks, I want to go all out for him. I need to show him that I am in love with him. Will you help me?"
JC agreed to help Tom plan for his surprise for Lance. "Of course I will help you."
"Thanks, Josh. Not just for saying you'll help me with James. I just can't believe you're still here! I can't say how much it means to me!"
"Lance wanted to be here, too, especially after I told them why I am staying."
"But he still left." Tom sadly said.
"I hope you won't hate me, but I didn't think it would have been good to have either Lance or Chris here right now."
"You're probably right. God, I miss him. God, how am I gonna ever beat this depression? It feels like I am falling in a very deep hole and really soon I just might hit the bottom of the hole. I will be so far down the hole that I won't be able to get out...ever."
"If you are so far down that hole, I will throw a rope down there and pull you out myself." JC said with great love, and then hugged Tom again.
TO BE CONTINUED
Nope, no cliffhanger. PLEASE, PLEASE e-mail me.