Hello... it's me again. I'm just going to say a couple of quick things and get to the story: First, thank you to everyone who emailed me in regards to the story... it made me feel special :). Special thanks go out to, once again, Jeff (who asked me to compare him to royalty, so I'll say this: he reminds me a lot of a court jester... heehee... seriously though, go read his story "Twist of Fate"... it's ridiculously better than mine.) Also, thanks to Matt, for his continued support (his "Search and Rescue is also ridiculously better than my story), Braan (great author of "Some Kind of Bliss"... go read that one too... it's excellent), and Yuli (who has the honor of having sent me the most flattering email, so I'll say that I like her the best :)). Also, I'd like to continue to ask for any comments on the story (email address: sethdropspants@hotmail.com). If you don't wanna email me, then both my AOL Instant Messenger and MSN Messenger names are also sethdropspants... feel free to drop me a line and talk. I'm pretty friendly... and i always love a good distraction!
Also, I need to say thanks to Clive and Chris (two more great authors in their own right), Arlette, John, Jerry (aka Jay), Tonny, Steve, Billy Burrew (another great author and a fellow Chapel Hillian), Alex, and, last but certainly not least, the other Jeff (quite the kewl guy, that other Jeff) for their (too) kind words. Phew!... did i get everyone? Probably not, but oh well... at least i tried...
Disclaimer time: If you're under 18, go away... or don't. I really don't care... just don't send me an email saying something like, "I'm 8 and I love your story," because I'm just gonna delete it. If you're offended by homosexual material, I don't wanna talk to you either.
Ok, last time, David, the Nifty Archivist, said that my disclaimer about NSYNC made him laugh (go read it if you don't know what I'm talking about), so I tried really hard to come up with another funny one... but I failed miserably. This is the best I came up with: This story doesn't mean to imply that anyone in NSYNC is gay. Pretty sucky huh? My gaydar is so fucked that I have trouble remembering that I'm gay half the time :)
Alrighty, on with the story... enjoy!
When we finally got back outside, I tried to think of something to do next. Unfortunately, my mind was a blank (not an altogether unusual experience for me), so I decided to ask them. "Well guys, I have no idea what to do with you now. Any suggestions?"
They all looked at each other, communicating silently. Finally, Justin spoke up. "Well, we're right near campus, correct?"
I nodded and pointed in front of me. "That's it right there."
"Well, I can't speak for the others, but how 'bout a tour? I've always wanted to see UNC-Chapel Hill, and when we came here earlier this year I didn't really get the chance." The other guys nodded, as if approving Justin's thought.
"That's cool. I can do that. In fact, we can start it right here. This is Franklin Street, the main place on campus to hang out, eat, buy stuff, and so on. When I went to UNC I spent more time here then in the classroom!" I laughed at my own joke.
Chris smiled at me. "I didn't know you were a Tar Heel!"
I smiled back at him. "Past tense being the appropriate use of grammar. I dropped out about two years ago."
"Why?" Josh asked.
I was a little surprised that he was now talking to me, but let it slide. "I just got too busy with the producing thing. I met Tom, starting working, and couldn't handle both. I would have never been able to forgive myself if I gave up my shot at producing, so I had to drop college. I might go back and take some classes one day." That wasn't the whole truth, but it was good enough for now. They didn't need to know about Shane. I turned to look at Josh, who nodded. He seemed satisfied with my answer.
We walked around campus for a while, me pointing out various "attractions" and them at least trying to look interested. Every once in a while I would regale them with a story of me doing something stupid, of which I had plenty. College wasn't the best time for me. We finally hit the student store, and Justin nearly bowled me over running to get in. When the dust settled, he had bought enough clothes to clothe a small African nation. Literally. I couldn't resist teasing him. "Do you think you bought enough stuff, or are we gonna have to rent a garbage truck to haul it all back?"
"I like the color," he responded weakly.
I laughed at him. "Good comeback."
He just smiled and called Josh and Chris over to help him carry the stuff back to our cars. They looked at him like he was crazy for a moment, but eventually gave in and started to pick up the bags. We slowly walked back to Franklin, discussing our plans for the rest of the evening. After much conversation, we agreed upon dinner at a fast food joint and a movie.
I figured that all the guys would ride with Tom, so when Justin and Lance asked to ride with me, I was surprised. I agreed though, of course, and told Tom how to get to the nearest Wendy's. The three of us (and all of Justin's bags) piled into my car, and I pulled out of the parking garage. We drove in silence for a minute or two, before I glanced over and saw Lance gripping the dashboard like his life depended on it. "Oh come on! I do NOT drive that badly!"
I heard Justin start to speak under the mounds of clothing in the back. "Don't take this the wrong way Toby, but yes, you do."
I laughed, hoping the other guys would join in with me, but they seemed too terror stricken to move. "Fine!" I exclaimed, exasperated. "I'll slow down." I dropped the speed to about 10 over the limit and noticed that Lance relaxed a bit.
"Thanks."
I just nodded. "So why did you guys wanna ride with me?" Lance looked a little hurt when I said that, almost like he thought I didn't wanna spend time with them. I made yet another mental note to stop being so blunt with these guys... it didn't look like they could take it. "I mean, I just figured that you'd wanna ride with Tom and the other guys."
"I don't know. I guess we just figured that we would get to know you a bit more, seeing as we're going to be working together. Besides," he added, turning to look at Justin. He waited for Justin to nod before he continued. "We like you."
"Aww... that's so sweet," I replied sarcastically. The words were out of my mouth before I realized it. I was too sarcastic for my own good. Now both Lance and Justin really did look hurt. I attempted damage control. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. It's not really an excuse, but I'm just a really sarcastic person and I'm used to saying stuff along those lines. I guess it's why Tom doesn't introduce me to many people; he doesn't think I'm ready for the public!" I joked. They both laughed, making me feel a little better. "Seriously though, I'm glad you wanted to ride with me. And, for what it's worth, I like you guys too." They both seemed to brighten when I said that.
The rest of the ride passed pretty uneventfully. We chatted about nothing in particular until we reached our destination. Tom pulled up soon after me. Dinner went just as well as lunch had, and this time, Josh even contributed a little to the discussion. I smiled inwardly, happy that I was finally making some progress. We ate quicker this time, seeing as we had to be at the movie theater shortly if we wanted to make the 7:00 showing of "Magnolia."
We managed to sneak the guys into the theater without too much trouble, but they only relaxed completely when the lights went down and the movie started. I couldn't imagine being scared to go out in public like that. I tried to think about what it would be like, but the movie started and my nonexistent attention span jumped to that.
I tried my damnedest to keep my attention focused on the movie, but it was really really long. I am a true member of the MTV generation: I can't focus on anything for more than 3 minutes. Besides, my mind kept drifting to the rather surreal situation in which I found myself. I mean, even though I wasn't a big fan of NSYNC, it was a little intimidating to be sitting there, watching a movie with them. That thought crossed my mind quite often, as did the fact that, throughout the movie, every single one of them, with the exception of Josh, kept sneaking glances at me. I was getting a little self-conscious, to tell you the truth. I thought maybe I had something hanging from my nose, but there was nothing visible that I could tell.
When the movie finally ended, and I mean finally (don't get me wrong, I liked what I saw of it a lot... it was just ridiculously long), I couldn't take it anymore. "Can somebody please tell me why everyone keeps looking at me?" I asked, a little peeved. The guys just looked at each other. No one made a move to say anything. This was getting stupid. "Well?"
Finally, Lance spoke up. "It's nothing, really."
"Come on... just tell me."
Lance just looked at Tom, who seemed to understand what Lance was trying to communicate. Tom just gave me a look and said, "Tobe, just drop it."
I wanted to say more, but I knew that if Tom didn't think I should know something, then I probably shouldn't know it. But there was something up here, something that I was more than a little curious about. However, out of respect for Tom, I decided to let it slide. "Ok, fine. Let's get out of here." As if on cue, the guys stood up immediately and began to file out.
We slowly reached the parking lot and our cars. Once again, Lance spoke up.
"So Toby, do you know of any hotels around here where we could crash? Kind of on the nice side, especially since we're gonna be staying there for awhile."
This surprised me. "You guys didn't make reservations anywhere?" They all shook their heads, to indicate no. "Why not?"
"It seems that every time that we make advance reservations, even if we do it under pseudonyms," Chris started, "someone always finds out and our hotel gets mobbed. So we just wait until the last minute so we can get a little peace."
"Well damn... if it's gonna be that big of a problem, you guys can just stay with me, at least for a little while. I have the room and it wouldn't be a big deal. If anything, it might make all our lives easier because then we could just work whenever we wanted to."
Justin looked surprised. "Really? You mean it?"
"No. I was lying. Of course I meant it! It'd be cool... like I had a whole bunch of roommates! And then when I get sick of you, it'll be time for you guys to leave anyway!" I laughed.
They all chuckled at this. "That'd be really cool of you," said Joey.
"Well, good. Then let's get out of this damn parking lot. I'm freezing to death!" They laughed at me again. "Tom, are you gonna be staying too?" He smiled at me and shook his head.
"Nah, I'm gonna grab a hotel room anyway. I have an early flight out tomorrow."
"You do? Is that an indication of your faith that I would take this job?"
He chuckled and nodded. "Yep, pretty much! I'll follow you back though so I can drop off the guys' overnight bags."
"Overnight bags?"
He laughed. "Yep. All the rest of their luggage comes tomorrow. I don't know if you'll still have room after all their crap gets there, though. They're like 5 girls!" This comment garnered Tom five very distinct evil glares. I couldn't help but laugh though.
"I'll take my chances, I guess. So does anybody wanna ride with me?"
"NO!!!!!!!" Lance and Justin screamed in unison. The other guys just looked at them funny.
Joey finally asked, "What's wrong with Toby's driving?"
I felt the need to defend myself. "Absolutely nothing."
"Bull," Justin laughed. "Guys, if you value your life, do not ride with Toby."
"Hey... that hurts."
"Sorry man, but it'd be like sending someone to certain death. I can't do that to one of my best friends."
"Fine." I pouted.
Tom laughed at me. "Oh, give me a break! You know for a fact that you're a lousy driver. How many tickets have you gotten in the last year?"
I blushed. "That's not important." Everyone else laughed. I threw my hands up in defeat. "Fine, fine. I know when I'm beat. I'll see you guys there." With that, I climbed in my car and pulled away. Tom managed to follow me for a few miles, but I lost him by squeezing under a yellow light that was about to turn red. I was just glad that he knew how to get back to my place.
I pulled into my driveway a few minutes later and sat on my front porch, awaiting the arrival of the guys. I didn't have to wait too long. The guys piled out of Tom's van with their bags. Joey reached me first.
"Damn man! Remind me to never drive with you!"
"What? The light was yellow!"
"Sure... if that's what helps you sleep at night."
I just laughed and shoved him inside. When all the guys had filed in, I pulled Tom into a hug. "Call me soon ok? I miss you."
He hugged me back. "Don't I always?" He pulled away and looked me in the eye. "Take care of them ok? I don't wanna get any phone calls about how some record producer in North Carolina killed NSYNC." I laughed. "Seriously though," he began, "take care of yourself too. And get to know them. You might have a surprise in for you."
"What the hell does that mean?"
He waved me off and walked down the stairs. "You'll see. Be good."
I batted my eyelashes. "Aren't I always?"
He laughed. "Yeah, right. I'll talk to you soon. I love ya."
"Love you too. Have a good trip."
He smiled. "I'll try. Bye." With that, he jumped in the van and pulled away. I waited until he was out of view and went inside. I found the guys all wiped out on my living room couches. They looked exhausted.
"Do you guys wanna just crash for the night?"
They smiled at me. "Are we that obvious?" asked Justin.
"Just a little." I convinced them to get up and showed them all to their rooms. I had a pretty nice house, I suppose. I made a pretty good living as a producer and a few good investments go a long way, especially the way the Stock Market's been the past few years. When I had gotten everybody situated, I went back downstairs and went outside to have my last cigarette of the evening.
I was still trying to process everything that had happened in the last 14 hours or so... it just was so unreal. The guys did seem to be really nice though. If Josh came around, we might even have a pretty good time while we were recording the c.d.
"Toby?"
I jumped at the noise. I had thought all the guys had gone to bed. When I turned around to see who was speaking to me, I was even more surprised. "What can I do for you Josh?"
He stepped out onto the porch, somewhat hesitantly. He seemed upset. "Can... can we talk?"
I stared at him for a minute before remembering that I was supposed to answer his question. "Yeah... I mean, of course." He hesitated for a moment before walking towards me, eventually settling in the chair next to mine. He didn't seem to be in any hurry to speak, so I tried to help him along. "So... what can I help you with?"
He sighed. "Look Toby, I just... I just needed to apologize to you. I've been acting like a real jerk all day."
I smiled. "True. You have." Seeing as he wasn't really expecting me to be that blunt (mental note #3: stop doing that around these guys, Toby... you're freakin' them out!), I continued. "What I mean is, I noticed that you kind of avoided talking to me most of the day. Just for the record though, I am sorry that I ragged on your music. I really do try not to criticize any musical genre, especially to the artist's face." I laughed.
"Well, regardless of that, I had no right to act the way I did. Can we just forget about this afternoon?"
I pretended to be deep in thought. I mean, what was I gonna say, no? "Of course. No harm done."
He smiled at me. It was the first time, I realized, that I had seen an honest smile from Josh. Damn. If I thought the other guys were cute when they smiled, Josh was fucking gorgeous. I tried to convince myself to push that thought out of my mind, but it wouldn't budge. "Thanks Toby. That means a lot to me."
"Hey, no problemo. Besides, especially if we're gonna work together, I can't go around holding a grudge against you. Life's too short."
This seemed to pacify him, and he leaned back in his chair, the smile still glued to his lips. We sat there in silence for a few minutes, Josh staring off into space and me smoking (and occasionally sneaking glances at him.) Finally, he spoke up again.
"It's really nice here." I just nodded, waiting for him to finish his thought. "I mean, we're on the road a lot and the tour takes us to a lot of cities. They're nice and all, but you can't even see the stars at night. I forget sometimes how beautiful they can be."
"True. But I wouldn't think that you're the only one who forgets that. People go along with their lives everyday, not even noticing how pretty something is, or how incredible it is that we're actually here." I was like that for the majority of my life. It wasn't until after I tried to kill myself (half-assed as the attempt was, it still had an impact on me) that I realized how lucky I am to even be on this planet.
He didn't respond to this for a while. Instead, he just leaned back and put his hands behind his head. I was beginning to figure that this was the pattern with Josh; that he liked to think about what he said before the words left his mouth. "It is incredible. I mean... I don't know... I just... I just feel so small, so insignificant when I look up at the sky. I mean, it just goes on for millions of miles, and I can't help thinking: 'Why does what I do matter?'"
Whoa. This was getting heavy. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love to have serious discussions, but I usually don't end up having them with people whom I've just met. Part of me was convinced that I should just end this before I said something I would regret later (I have a lot of views that people might not agree with, especially people who are very religious, something that I knew most of the members of NSYNC were). But I wanted to keep talking to Josh. He seemed easy to speak to, and interested in what I had to say. "What do you mean, you feel insignificant? You're a ridiculously famous pop star!" He laughed. "Seriously though, I understand how you feel. I think about it a lot too. I guess that the conclusion I've come to is that we just have to live our lives so that it matters to us, and to the people we care about. I mean, the universe is huge! Nothing anybody does is going to make that big of a difference, short of blowing up the planet. So we just have to live our life in the best way that we can, and do what we think is right. It won't make a difference on the cosmic level, but at least it can to our loved ones."
He sat up in his chair, absorbing what I had said. "I like that a lot. I don't know though. we just think of ourselves as so damned important, but we're really not. We're not anything special. We're fallible, finite creatures."
I laughed. "Ahh... true! But you're not supposed to think about that! I mean, you're what? 23?" He nodded. "You're not fallible! You're not finite! And you're not allowed to think that you are until you're at least 50. It's the law. Otherwise, people wouldn't be able to cope. Coping, if you didn't know, is what we as humans do best. Saves us a lot of grief."
He laughed and asked, "So why 50? Why can you think about it then?"
"Because then you're 'mature' enough to deal with it... duh!"
"But Tom's over 50, and he sure isn't mature."
I cracked up... I couldn't help it. "True," I began, amidst my laughter, "but he's an exception, not the rule."
"Ahh... gotcha." His smile broke through again and he started to laugh as well. When we had both quieted down, he spoke again. "Then are the people who kill themselves the ones who can't cope with it?" The smile dropped off my face. I was trying not to act too uncomfortable, but I'm not in Hollywood for a reason. Josh must have noticed me fidgeting in my chair, because he quickly changed the subject. "So how long have you lived here?" When I didn't answer him right away, he put his hand on my arm. "Toby, are... are you ok?"
I looked up and saw the concerned look on his face. At the moment, I wanted to tell him everything, my whole story, because... because... because I just felt like he 'should' know. It sounds stupid, but I felt like I could tell him anything, and he wouldn't judge me or... or listen and not really care. He would care. He did care. I just felt so connected to him and I...
"Toby?" He had gotten out of his chair and was kneeling in front of me.
...wanted to tell him everything. But I couldn't. I don't know why. Every fiber in my being was telling me that I should do it, but I couldn't. I looked up and gave him a weak smile. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm ok."
"Are you sure?"
I almost lost control then, but I managed to pull myself together. "Yeah, I'm sure. I was just..." I paused to choose my words carefully. "Thinking about some things." I could tell that he wanted to ask me another question, but he thankfully chose not to. "Listen, do you mind if we go inside? It's getting kinda cold."
He just shook his head and followed me into the house. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a Sprite. "Do you want something to drink?"
"Yeah, a Sprite would be great." I went back to the fridge to get another soda and handed it to him. We sat there for a while, neither of us wanting to be the first to say something. I normally hated situations like that, but I... I just couldn't tell him. Not yet, anyway.
Josh finally broke the silence. "Toby, you know that if you need someone to talk to, I'll listen, don't you?" I just nodded. Seeing that no further response was coming from me, he continued. "I mean, I'm not gonna press the issue, because it's not really my place. But I just want you to know that I'm here for you."
I took a sip of my soda before I answered him. "I know. And I appreciate that. But... but not now. Maybe some other time, some other place, in a galaxy far, far away," I joked.
He didn't laugh, just simply nodded his head and said, "Ok."
We again sat in silence for some time, before I realized I had never answered his question. Sure it was stupid, but it seemed to be the best way to jumpstart the conversation again. "Ten years."
He got a puzzled expression on his face and asked, "What?"
"I've lived here for ten years."
Josh slowly remembered the question he had asked me what seemed like eons ago and smiled. "Oh. That's cool. You must really like it here."
We ended up talking for another hour or two, about nothing in particular. He told me horror stories of teenage girls run amuck, and in turn I told him of the horrible time I had trying to produce a c.d. with a certain bald-headed alternative frontman who was known to be an obsessive and controlling person. It was terrible at the time, but very humorous in retrospect. We just chatted, like we were old friends. It was an incredible turnaround, seeing as, earlier in the evening, we had barely been speaking, but it was one that I was glad occurred. We clicked immediately. Finally, however, I could barely keep my eyes open, and I noticed Josh having the same trouble.
"Well Josh, I tell ya what... you wore me out. I think I'm about ready to pass out."
He laughed and nodded. "Same here."
I led him upstairs and dropped him off in front of his room. "Listen, Josh... thanks for coming out and talking to me. I really enjoyed spending time with you."
He smiled as I said that. "Hey, thanks for forgiving me for acting like a jerk. I was sure you were gonna tell me to piss off and not speak to me for the rest of our time here." We both laughed and he continued. "I had a great time too though. We should do it again."
I smiled. "Well, there's always tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day..."
"Ok! I get it!" he laughed, cutting me off. "In the meantime however, I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Hey, I'll be here... it is my house and all."
He just laughed and walked into his room. "'Night, Toby."
"'Night."
I dragged myself into my bathroom and brushed my teeth. I actually managed to get the toothbrush in my mouth about half the time, pretty good considering how tired I was. I rinsed my mouth and headed for my bedroom. I briefly contemplated putting on my pajama bottoms, but as soon as I saw my bed I knew that that wasn't going to happen. I simply collapsed on my bed and drifted off.
I awoke around 11:00 the next morning to the sound of laughter coming from downstairs. I was at first confused about who the hell was in my house, but soon remembered the events of the previous day. Since I had company, I decided that I should probably get up, instead of sleeping for another three hours or so. I crawled out of bed and grabbed a quick shower before heading downstairs. I found all five of the guys in the kitchen talking and eating, except Justin, who was talking on a cell phone.
Joey looked up from his meal and saw me. "Whoa... it lives!!!!" The other guys cracked up.
"Ha ha. Ridiculously funny. This is nothing. I usually like to sleep until 2:00, so you guys should feel honored that I'm up this early."
"Oh yes, thank you so much for honoring us with your presence, Oh Great One," laughed Chris.
I smiled. "That's better."
Lance spoke up. "I hope you don't mind Toby, but we cooked some breakfast... we just didn't know when you were gonna get up and we were tired of waiting."
I just waved him off. "No problemo. If you're gonna be staying here, you're gonna have to make yourselves at home. I don't want you guys to be coming up to me for the next two months, asking permission to have a drink. It'd drive me insane."
The guys nodded. "Cool..." Joey said. "Free food!"
I laughed and hit him in the back of the head, which just set the other guys off. "So who's he talking to?" nodding my head towards Justin.
Josh answered in a childish voice. "His girlfriend." Justin realized that we were talking about him and winked at us.
I was a little surprised. I never knew that he had a girlfriend, and, as a pretty regular watcher of Total Request Live, I would think I would know such a thing. "He has a girlfriend?"
"Yeah. Management likes us to keep the fact that we have girlfriends quiet, for obvious reasons," Lance replied.
"'We?' How many of you guys have them?"
"Actually, we all do... all of us but Josh, that is," Chris said, giving me a really odd look. I looked over at Josh, but he was just staring at his plate.
"Ewwwww... so I'm surrounded by people in relationships? That sucks!"
Justin laughed. He had finished his phone call and had come over to join us. "So I take it you're unattached?" he asked.
I paused for a second, thinking of Shane, but recovered quickly. "Yep, single as can be."
"Why is that?" asked Lance.
I shrugged. "Don't know. Guess I just haven't found the right..." I hesitated, wondering if I should complete the thought, before, to my surprise, Joey finished it for me.
"Guy?"
I was shocked. How did they know that I was gay? I tried to move my mouth, but nothing of any meaning came out. "How... what... I mean..."
Chris cut me off. "Tom told us."
"Oh." It was all I could say. I didn't really care that Tom had said something because I was very out, but still...
"I mean," Justin began, "if he hadn't said anything, I would have never have guessed it."
"Thanks... I guess."
He shook his head. "No, I mean, we don't care. It's cool with us. You're still a really awesome, caring, intelligent, funny person. You're just a really awesome, caring, intelligent, funny person who happens to like guys. No big deal."
Joey laughed. "Couldn't have said it better myself, Curly."
I took a second to take it all in. I eventually decided that if they weren't going to make a big deal out of it, then I shouldn't either. "Ok, cool. I'm sorry if I seemed a little shocked, but you just caught me off guard."
Lance smiled. "No worries."
And that's it for this installment... tune in next time when you'll find out... well, I don't really know what you'll find out, cause I haven't written the next chapter yet, so you'll just have to wait and see. Kewl beans? So did I drop enough hints in this chapter as to who the story is about? I'm pretty sure that next time, things are gonna get more interesting... (no, i don't mean sex). Again, I'd like to make a desperate plea for comments (sethdropspants@hotmail.com). I don't think you guys realize the vast extent of my loneliness... heehee... so please, talk to me! Anyway, until next time, be good and don't do anything I wouldn't do (which, granted, isn't a lot, but still...)