Hello! Yes, it's me again, back with another installment of "Common People"... whoo-hoo! Heehee... ummm... a couple of quick comments about this chapter: First, I know that it's a bit shorter than the other ones... tough. It just ended up that way. I got to a point where I wanted to stop, and I didn't wanna go back and fill the story with a bunch of useless crap, so it's shorter. The next chapter, however, should be longer than this one at least. Second, Toby finally spills his guts and you guys get to find out his story... if anyone actually cares. So, after this chapter, you guys should probably have a better insight into who he is. Ok... I think that's about it.
Now for the thank yous... in the past couple of chapters, I've thanked a lot of people. I'm too lazy to do that this time, so if you don't get mentioned, don't be offended... I still love ya... umm... first and foremost, thank you to Jeff, author of the awesome "Twist of Fate"... he's a great, caring guy, and he's become one of my best friends. Also, thanks to Braan, author of "Some Kind of Bliss" (insert your own Aussie joke here), and finally thanks to Matt, author of the great "Search and Rescue," who said incredibly nice things about me in his latest chapter. None of what he said is true, but it's still nice to hear. Also thanks to all the readers who have emailed me about the story... you know who you are... if I get enough angry emails about not putting your names in this time, I'll see what I can do about it in the next chapter.
Ok, disclaimer time! If you're under 18, or offended by homosexual material, don't read this. Or do, but I don't wanna hear about it.
This story does not mean to imply that anyone in NSYNC is gay... it's fiction, ok? I would try and think of something funnier to say, but I'm tired and I wanna go to bed soon.
One last thing: if you like the story (or dislike it...) email me about it... I don't mind, really. I like emails. You can just send 'em to sethdropspants@hotmail.com.
Now, what you've all been sitting on the edge of your seats for (yeah, right)... chapter 4 of "Common People!" Enjoy!
"'Night Josh." Justin watched his friend leave. The last thing he thought before drifting off to sleep was, "Please God... let Toby feel the same way about Josh."
I finally got out of bed around 12:00. What a crappy night. I barely slept, the little sleep I managed to get was horrible, and I was still nervous as hell. I decided that a nice, long, hot, long shower would be the best thing for me. But it would have to be long. Did I say that yet?
I walked towards the bathroom, praying that I wouldn't see Josh yet. Thankfully, I managed to make it there without bumping into anyone. I used the toilet and brushed my teeth while waiting for the water to get hot enough. I looked at myself in the mirror. Could Josh be gay? If so, could he be attracted to me? I ran my fingers through my hair. I was kinda cute, true. I know that sounds really vain, but I suppose it was correct. I had a pretty nice body, a kind of skater's build (that's as in boarder, not ice...) Toned, but not muscular. God... does Josh like me? Could Josh like me? I hopped in the shower and began to rehearse what I was going to say to him.
I was shaken back to reality by a loud knocking on the door. "Hey Tobe, are you ok? You've been in there for over an hour."
Damn. That was a long shower. "Yeah, I'm alright Lance. I'll be out in a minute."
"Cool."
I turned the water off, dried off, and quickly got dressed. It was now or never. I opened the bathroom door, feeling a wave of steam rush from behind me. I slowly descended the stairs and went looking for Josh. I instead found Lance, Joey, and Chris. "Hey guys. Have you seen Josh anywhere?"
Chris spoke up first. "Damn man... pruney enough?"
I smiled. "Yeah, I suppose. I just... I just had some things on my mind. Umm... guys? Josh? Where is he?"
Lance answered. "Uh... outside on the back porch with Justin. They've been out there all morning. He seems upset."
Upset? Could he know how I felt? Was he put off by that? Disgusted? I sighed and tried to put those thoughts out of my mind. "Ok... thanks."
I slowly walked towards the back porch (I seemed to be doing everything slowly as of late.) I looked through the glass door and saw both Justin and Josh, deep in conversation. I sighed one last time and slid the door open. "Josh?"
He stood up quickly and turned to face me. "Toby."
"Josh, I... I need to..."
"Tobe, I need to talk to you," he interrupted me.
"No, Josh, I need to tell you something first."
"No, please, Tobe... let me just say this."
"I would Josh, but it's just that this is really important and..."
"Dammit!" Justin interrupted. "Will one of you just start talking already?"
For the first time, it really registered that Justin was present. I didn't particularly want him there. If Josh shot me down, I didn't need the whole group knowing about it. "Justin, could you please excuse us? What I have to tell Josh is kinda private."
"No!" Josh shouted, a little louder than I think he intended. He looked embarrassed and lowered his voice. "I want him here."
"I would really feel more comfortable..."
"Then let me talk first."
I sighed, knowing that I didn't really have a choice. I didn't want Justin there while I talked to Josh, but he wouldn't let Justin leave without talking to me first. "Fine. Go ahead."
He looked at Justin one last time before he began. "God, I don't know how to start this..." He chuckled a little. "Toby, these last two weeks have been so great. I've felt closer to you than I have to just about anyone else. I mean, it's been two weeks, and I already consider to you to be one of my best friends." He looked at me, awaiting some sort of a response. I still had no idea where he was going with this, so I just nodded. "These last two weeks have been so wonderful, but they've also been hell for me."
I was confused. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I guess this is it huh? Toby, I've come to realize something. I've realized that... that... crap." He looked away from me, but I could tell that he was crying. I tried to comfort him, but he just pushed me away. "Don't... I... I need to tell you this. Toby... I... I have... feelings for you."
What?!?!?!?!?!? It seemed like the entire planet was spinning around me. He has... he has... "You're... you're gay?" He just nodded. I looked over at Justin. He silently urged me to say something. So I did. "I need a cigarette." Ok, so it wasn't exactly Shakespeare, but my insides were about to spill out.
"Toby?" I looked over at Josh. "Toby, please say something." His tears were flowing rapidly.
Ok, Tobe. This is it. Just tell him how you feel. "Josh... I... I have feelings for you too." Go, Tobe! Wow... I actually meant to say something and it came out correctly... I must be getting smarter in my old age.
He looked up suddenly. "You do?" I nodded. He ran over to me and nearly knocked me to the ground in a hug. God... I can't even begin to describe how wonderful I felt. Just feeling him in my arms... but... but he needed to know the whole story. I reluctantly pulled away from him.
"We... we have to talk though."
He looked concerned. "What's wrong?"
"Josh... nothing is wrong. Hearing... hearing you say that is... is just incredible... but I need to tell you some stuff."
"Is what you didn't really wanna talk about before?"
Damn... he remembered. I nodded. "Yeah... it's a long story, but it's one that you need to know, especially now."
Justin got up to leave. "Well, I don't think that I need to be here anymore."
I spoke up. "Justin, wait... you've heard all this, and you've been such a good friend to me... please stay. I want you to hear this." He just nodded and sat back down.
"Toby, I don't want you to feel obligated to tell me this right now."
He was so sweet. "Josh, I know that I'm not obligated. But it's something I need to do." He simply nodded and waited for me to go on. "Well, I guess the beginning would be as good of a place to start as any huh?" I sighed and went on. "I guess that I should begin by telling you a little about my family. I never had a really close family. I mean, my parents and I got along fine, but I never felt like I could confide in them. It was the same deal with my sister, Gwen."
"I never even knew you had a sister."
I laughed a little. "Yeah, well... let me go on. So my parents divorced when I was 6. Gwen and I went with my mother, and we moved to New York. We lived there for a long time, about 5 years or so, before she met Mike. Mike and my mom started dating, and after a long courtship, got married. This was about 2 years later."
"What about your dad?" asked Justin.
I sighed. "After that, I barely saw him. he hasn't played a real large role in my life since then, if you know what I mean. But anyway, when I was 13, my mom, my new step-dad, Gwen, and I moved down here. The reasoning behind this, I suppose, was so that we could get a fresh start. However it wasn't long after we moved that Mike began to show his true colors."
A concerned look washed over Josh's face. "Did he... did he hit you?"
I shook my head. "No, he never hit me. He did hit my mother a few times, but I'm getting ahead of myself. A few times when they were dating, Mike lost his temper... I mean, that wasn't that big of a deal, because it's gonna happen to anyone, right? And the worst he would do was yell a little bit. Well, after we moved, it got a lot worse. He would yell almost constantly. He would be nasty to the 3 of us on a fairly regular basis. It was during this time that I first started to become extremely introverted... I would spend almost all of my time locked in my room, mostly because I didn't wanna be around Mike."
"That's horrible... why did your mom stay married to him?"
"I really have no clue."
"When did she divorce him?"
"She didn't... they're still married."
Both Josh and Justin shouted at the same time, "What?!?"
"You heard me. Is it ok if I move on, or do you have any more questions?" They both just shook their heads, so I continued. "I don't know... maybe a year or so after they were married, he hit her for the first time. Both my sister and I were at school when it happened... all I really remember about that first time was my mom picking us up from school and her just being a total wreck. She was shaking and crying uncontrollably. She told us what happened and I... I just remember being so angry with him. I couldn't understand why he would do something like that. I wanted to help her, defend her... but what could I do? I was 14."
"Did it get worse?" asked Josh, in a barely audible voice.
I paused before answering. "Well... yes and no. Let me explain. To the best of my knowledge, he's only laid his hands on her twice since then. One of those times was especially horrible though... it was the only time that he did it when my sister and I were at home. It's one of my worst memories that I have... I was up in my room, which was pretty much my life at that point, and I remember hearing the two of them start up. It just got worse and worse, louder and louder... until Mike finally stormed out of the house. At that point, my sister and I went downstairs. And there was my mother, in the kitchen..." I choked up and could feel the first tears begin to crawl down my face. Josh crossed over to me and pulled me into a hug. I had forgotten how hard it was to tell this to people, especially to people who I cared so deeply about. In the years since, I had only told three other people the whole story: Aaron, Tom, and Shane. I regained the ability to speak and started again. Josh pulled away from me, but stayed seated beside me. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize for anything," he said.
"Thanks." I sniffled and went on. "She was just lying there... nearly unconscious. Her glasses were across the room, broken in half because he had hit her so hard they had just snapped. We didn't know what to do, how to help her. I felt so helpless... and I felt like I had no one to turn to."
"Why didn't you call the police?"
"My mom wouldn't let us. She wouldn't let us." I paused again and wiped away a few tears. "After that, my sister just started making things worse. She was always nasty to Mike, when she would talk to him at all. He just took out what she did on my mother."
"What about you?" asked Justin.
I chuckled through the tears. "I was the 'good one.' I was always nice to him, always courteous."
"Why?"
"I really don't know. I just... I don't like a lot of conflict around me. Me being nice to him was the easiest way for me to prevent conflict, at least between him and me. I guess I figured that if I couldn't prevent it between him and my mother, I could at least save myself... selfish as that sounds."
Josh shook his head. "It wasn't selfish... you were just a kid! You couldn't have done anything else."
I smiled at him. "I guess. The problem with me doing that though, was that I became the go-between. I had to sit there and listen to everyone bitch about everyone else. Mike would complain to me about my mother and my sister, my sister would bitch about Mike and my mom, and my mom would vent her frustrations about Mike and my sister to me. Everyone used me as their therapist, but I had no one to talk to. After my sister graduated and went to college, I used to dread the car ride to school everyday... because it was just me and my mom. How horrible is that? I used to dread spending time with my mom. But I couldn't help it! Everyday, she would just complain to me about how much she hated her life and how much she hated Mike... I would have to watch my mother cry every morning... and then go to school. And pretend like nothing was wrong, like I had such a happy life!" The tears and sobs were coming faster now, and Josh leaned over to hug me again.
"We can stop here if you want."
I looked into his eyes and all I saw... all I saw was love. It made my heart jump and, despite the tears, it made me happier than I had ever been... because I knew that that look was directed at me. I shook my head at him. I had to finish. "Stop? We've barely even started."
"Toby, I don't wanna upset you or..."
I cut him off. "You're not. You're not. It's just a little hard for me. I want to tell you the rest. Just give me a minute. I'll be ok." I lit another cigarette and took a few drags.
Justin spoke up. "Do you want me to get you a drink or something?"
I nodded at him. "Yeah, a Sprite would be great." He nodded and darted inside. Josh and I say there for a few minutes, neither of us speaking. I couldn't believe I was this upset... and I hadn't even gotten to Shane yet. This was gonna be a long day.
Justin returned soon, with a Sprite in one hand and the rest of the guys close behind. He handed me the drink. "I hope you don't mind," he asked worriedly, "but the guys were kinda curious as to what we were talking about so I told them they could come out here."
I shook my head, indicating that I didn't mind, and he visibly relaxed. Lance, Joey, and Chris filed onto the porch, without saying anything, and sat down quickly. I laughed a little... it was like they were at a wake or something. "I hope you guys don't mind," I started, "but there's no way in hell I'm going back over this stuff, so you'll just have to catch up as we go along." They smiled and shook their heads. I took a sip of the Sprite and started again. "So anyway, the moral of that story was that my home life wasn't very happy. And as a result, as I said, I became extremely introverted. For the majority of high school, I did nothing... and I mean nothing. I never went anywhere with anyone... I just stayed in my room. And that's it. I was struggling with a lot of things, not the least of which was my sexuality. Finally, the summer before my senior year in high school, the shit hit the fan, as they say."
"What happened?" asked Josh.
"Basically, I had a nervous breakdown. I had been invited to attend a pretty prestigious music camp over the summer, so I went. But everything just caught up with me all at once. I flipped out. I became even more anti-social, I did nothing but cry the whole time, I rejected the few people who did try and talk to me... I don't know. It was truly one of the low points in my life. I left a week after I arrived. My mom wanted to start sending me to a psychologist, so I went."
"Did that help? I mean, you finally had someone to talk to about stuff."
I laughed, remembering the psychologist. "No, it didn't help at all. She was a complete idiot. She had no idea what was wrong with me, and I don't think she even cared. I stopped going pretty soon after I started. So I was basically back to square one. But this time... it was different. I was just so tired of feeling like crap all the time. I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided that I didn't want to. It's a little hard to explain, but I just felt like I had to make a change. So, towards the end of that summer, I started to call people up and ask them to do something, like catch a movie or go to dinner... it doesn't seem like much, but for me, at that point in my life, it was."
"Didn't your mom want you to go back to a psychologist?" asked Lance.
I shook my head. "She was just happy that I was getting out, being more social. I think she was really worried about me for a while, but then it was like she didn't have to worry about me anymore. I was becoming more 'normal.' She stopped talking about a psychologist, at least for a little while."
Joey spoke up. "Why only a little while?"
I smiled. "I'll get there. So I had moved from being depressed and introverted to being, well, I wouldn't say happy, but happier and more extroverted."
"Why weren't you happy?"
"Mainly because I was still struggling with my sexuality. But it wasn't until May of my senior year that I came out to the first person, Aaron."
Josh looked confused for a moment before, I suppose, remembering who Aaron is. "Your best friend?"
I nodded. "That summer, I came out to my mom and my sister... my sister said she was fine with it, but we haven't talked about it once in the five years since then. My mother, I think, grudgingly accepted it... but she wanted me to go back into therapy... more, I think, to ease her worries than mine. I agreed, and went... but it didn't really matter. Because, at college, I was truly happy for the first time in my life. I was completely out, I wasn't living in that house anymore... it was the best time of my life. And then... I met Shane."
"Who's Shane?"
I laughed. "Shane is basically the reason why I'm so screwed up in terms of relationships. My family did it to me with everything else, but Shane's the cause for that." I sighed, not sure where to start this part of the story. I looked over at the guys. Chris decided to speak, for the first time in the conversation.
"Listen, Tobe... are you sure that you want us here for this? I mean, it seems kind of personal and all."
"Yes. Look... in the last few weeks, you guys have become some of my best friends... all of you have the right to know this." He seemed satisfied, so I went on. "Umm... I've always loved music. Throughout my entire life, that's been the one constant. Even all those years that I spent up in my room... most of my time was spent writing songs or banging away on some instrument. It wasn't until college, though, that I started my first band. And my second. And the third. The third one was the one that led me to Tom. But it was the second one that led me to Shane. I met him the day after my 19th birthday... which would be 4 years ago today, actually."
"So that's why you were so upset yesterday?" asked Josh.
"Yeah... that would be the reason. We were some weird rock-techno band, but we played a lot of shows in and around Chapel Hill. It was at one of these shows that I met him. I just remember looking at him and thinking, 'Damn! If only he were gay...' After the show, I went up to him and we started talking. And things just kind of progressed from there."
"Was he your first relationship?"
I nodded. "Yep, first kiss, first love, first... everything." I paused for a moment, glancing at Josh, before I continued. He seemed a little taken aback by my honesty, but recovered quickly. I pushed on. "He just seemed so wonderful, in every aspect. We moved in together about 5 months after we started seeing each other, and I thought that I had found the love of my life. I allowed myself to give myself utterly and completely to him... and he hurt me... badly." I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes again. "He just left me... like I had meant absolutely nothing to him. I came home one day, and he was gone... just like that. No warning, nothing. That was it."
Justin looked shocked. "What a prick!"
"Yeah, that was pretty much my thought on the matter. I had a hard time dealing with it though... I kept asking myself 'What did I do wrong?' I blamed myself, and thought that it had to have been something I did, something that was wrong with me that drove him away."
Josh looked me in the eye. "Is that when you tried to... tried to... kill yourself?" The other guys looked stunned... and I have to admit that I was pretty surprised to.
"How did you know about that?"
He sighed. "C'mon Tobe, I'm not stupid. That first night, when I brought it up... you reacted so badly that that had to be what was wrong."
I thought about the events of that evening again. He was right, of course. "Sorry... you're right... I'm not an actor for a reason, I suppose."
Joey interrupted. "But I thought that all gay men were supposed to be able to act!" I laughed, and the rest of the guys soon followed. Frankly, I was glad for the little bit of levity. The conversation was too heavy.
"Well Joey, I hate to break stereotypes here, but nope... I can't do it. I also don't dress well, am messy as hell, and I'm not a real big Tom Cruise fan... did that dispel enough myths for you?" I laughed.
He pretended to bury his face in his hands. "Damn! You just shattered my world!" That just set us off again. It was a nice feeling, to be laughing after such a serious conversation. When we had quieted down a bit, however, I decided to continue.
"But yes, to answer your question, that was when I tired to kill myself. I don't really know why I did it... I guess that I just felt everything building up inside me again, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt like giving up was just the best answer. So... I swallowed a bottle of aspirin and then followed that with a bottle of vodka."
"How did you..." started Lance.
"Not die?" I interrupted. "I called Aaron right after I did it and told him to get his ass over here. He did, and he saved me. I don't think that he had realized how hurt I was feeling... and I know that he felt guilty because he had been on the road with his band for a while and wasn't really around. But after that he took time off and stayed with me, and helped me work through it."
"Sounds like a great friend."
"He is," I agreed, thinking back on all the times that Aaron had helped me through something.
Josh started to speak, but couldn't quite get out the words. I was a little surprised by this, because he had managed to remain pretty calm throughout the entire conversation so far. But now, I could see the tears starting to roll down his cheeks, and it just hurt that much more because I knew I was the cause of his pain. Finally, he composed himself a little and tried again. "Have you... or would you ever... I mean... are you..."
I leaned in closer to him and grabbed hold of his hand. "I'm fine now. And I wouldn't ever try anything that stupid again." He seemed satisfied with my answer, but refused to let go of my hand, which was fine by me.
"So then what happened?" he asked, drying his face with the back of his free hand.
I sighed. "Then... then Shane came back."
"What?!?!?" all five of them shouted at once, which was kind of funny, but I wasn't in the right mood to laugh at the moment.
"Yeah."
"Please don't tell me you took him back," said Chris. I just nodded. "Why?!?"
"I don't know... if I could answer that, I'd be a much happier person. I guess... I guess that I still thought of him as my 'true love'... and, because of that, I couldn't rationalize not taking him back. Since I thought that I was still in love with him, I thought I had to take him back. It kinda comes with the territory, I suppose."
"So how long before he split again?" asked Justin.
"Three months. Then he was gone, this time for good. It was after he had left the second time that I realized that he wasn't my 'true love'... pretty clever of me, huh? I don't know... I realized that even though I was in love with him, he obviously didn't return those feelings, so I hadn't yet experienced 'real love.' The kind of love that is unconditional, and that is the most important thing in the world. That realization made the second break-up easier in some aspects. On the other hand, I had still been dumped, hard, twice. And it hurt a lot, and, truthfully, it still does. I gave him my love, my trust, and my forgiveness. And he completely disregarded all three." I turned to Josh. "Which is why this is so hard for me. I don't know if I can give myself to someone again. I don't know if I can love you as much as you deserved to be loved. And I don't know that I can keep myself from loving you too much."
Josh had been looking down at the ground during that whole speech, but now lifted his head to face me. "So... so... where does that leave us?"
Alrighty... that's about it. So is that what they call a cliffhanger? Heehee... well, you'll just have to live with it... gotta have u coming back for the next installment, don't I? Ok... again, it should be about 2 weeks 'til the next chapter... if I get it done a little early, I'll try and submit it earlier than that, but I'm making no promises. One more time: if you guys like the story, email me about it at sethdropspants@hotmail.com. Until next time, be good and don't let the man get you down!