Hi! Yep, back with (insert exciting music here) Chapter 5!!! WHOO-HOO! Ummm... I received a couple of complaints about the cliffhanger from the last chapter... TOUGH. Heehee... I had to get you coming back for more, didn't I? Usually, I use this space to tell you a little bit about the chapter you're about to read... but I don't have a lot to say about it this time. It's a little longer, but that's cool... makes up for the fact that the last chapter was a little shorter! Ok... I'm just gonna shut up now and move on to the thank you's, all right?
First, and foremost... my eternal gratitude to Jeff, author of "Twist of Fate," without a doubt one of the best stories on the archive. Not only has he helped me out with my story, he's become one of my best friends... I can't say enough great things about him. Also, thanks to Adam, author of "Tests of Friendship"... he's also become an incredible friend... thanks to Braan, author of "Some Kind of Bliss," Matt, author of "Search and Rescue," ummm... Diana, author of "Intimate Stranger," and Ryan, author of "Crazy"... I haven't known Ryan for that long, but he's a freaky cool guy and fast becoming a great friend. Also need to say thanks to the other Jeff, who helped proof this chapter for me, DLS, Alain, Aurelien, Shane (yep, a real-life Shane... kinda freaked me out when he emailed me for the first time), Jason, author of "JC and Jas," Arlette, Alex, Mitchel, Nic, and, last but not least, Meri, who has an awesome NSYNC website... I'd put the address here, but I'm too lazy to look it up... email me if you want it though. Phew... well, I tried to get everyone this time, cause I got some complaints last time for not including everyone... that was tiring. Oh yeah... Rebecca, if you're reading this... what are you doing on a gay website? Heehee... you know I love ya.
Disclaimer Time! If you're under 18 or offended by homosexual material, don't read this. I use some big words that you might not understand.
This story doesn't mean to imply that anyone in NSYNC is gay... I mean, it's not like you're watching Behind the Music or anything... this is a gay fiction website... if you're taking this story as fact, I think you might have some other problems you need to work through before calling the lawyers (or the tabloids.)
Wow... this has gotten long... ok, one last quick thing: I love to get feedback on the story (it's the only way I can learn from my mistakes) so email me about it at: sethdropspants@hotmail.com. On that note, enjoy the story!
Josh had been looking down at the ground during that whole speech, but now lifted his head to face me. "So... so... where does that leave us?"
Crap... yet another sleepless night. I go through some periods of insomnia every now and then, and they usually don't pass until I figure out what the hell is wrong with me... the problem this time, however, is that I know exactly what's wrong... I just don't know what the hell to do about it.
I glanced at the clock... 8:00. Jesus... that means I got... oh, about an hour and a half of sleep, total. Deciding it wasn't really worth me just lying there, I got up and headed towards the bathroom. This was it. The last day. And I still don't know what to do.
Walking quietly down the hallway, I slowly passed the door to what had become Lance's room, and then Joey's, and then... Josh's. I sighed. Josh. I stood outside his door for a minute or two, wanting so badly to go in, to tell him... to tell him something. But I didn't. I just started moving again... heading straight for the shower. God... that's what I really need. A nice, long shower. I don't know why, but that's what it always takes for me... it just helps clear my mind, helps me to think straight. I quickly adjusted the water pressure, stripped and jumped in... avoiding, at all costs, a glance at the mirror. I don't know what it was... but I just couldn't look at myself the past few weeks. Every time I did... this uneasy feeling settled over me.
Once in the shower, as always happens, my mind started to clear and I focused on the issue that I knew was bothering me. Josh. It had been about 3 weeks since our conversation on the back porch. Time. That was what I said I needed. He had done everything right, told me how he felt, listened to me, cared about me. And I needed time. Which I was rapidly running out of.
Why did I say I needed it? That was the question that was running through my head most often. Why? Why? We could be together right now... I could be lying in bed, snuggled up against him... I could be happy. I COULD be happy.
Three weeks had passed and now they were leaving. We had finished recording the CD. The guys were all motivated about doing it, and we just flew through the recording process. I had nothing else on my slate, so I started mixing right away. When I start mixing, I get obsessive about it, so once I start, I don't usually stop until it's done. The guys wanted to stick around... take a little break, help out with what they could... at least that's what they told me. I had a sneaking suspicion... or maybe blind hope... that they had stuck around so that Josh and I could resolve our little "issue." But I had been avoiding it... hoping that the answer would just come to me... just click in my head. Hoping that I could just tell him how deeply I cared for him... but I wasn't able to do it.
Josh. Things had been strained with the two of us after the conversation. It was like we didn't know how to act around each other, what to say, what to do. I remember being so sad... thinking that I had lost him for good. Finally, after a couple of days he sat me down, told me that he understood that I needed time to think about things, that he was still willing to give me that time, but not at the expense of our friendship. We basically decided that night to just try and put our friendship at the forefront, and the other stuff on the back burner, at least for now. We were pretty successful at hiding our emotions, all in all. Things pretty much returned to normal between the two of us, with us talking to each other on a fairly continuous basis.
And it just made things harder for me. Our talks just reinforced my belief that I was falling for him. I wanted so badly to tell him... but I couldn't. I was a broken man before Josh came into my life, and now he was about to leave, and I felt even worse than before. The guys had all noticed that I wasn't eating much... I was losing weight... I was more on edge... all because of this one person, and my failure to give into the one good thing in my life. I felt so guilty... the guys and I had been such great friends, but the last few weeks, I had been pushing them away. And now they were about to leave, and I had a decision to make. What do I do?
This was it. They were leaving early tomorrow morning to do a few promotional concerts... so this was my last chance. Should I take it? What if Josh has changed his mind about the way that he feels for me? What if he's upset that I made him wait, that I couldn't give him an answer?
Shit... why do I have to be so fucked in the head... why couldn't I just tell him how much I want to be with him? He was here for five weeks, living right down the hall from me... and I couldn't do it! Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life, to just be lonely because I can't express how the fuck I feel to the one person I care deeply about?
I sighed and climbed out of the shower. Well, that didn't really help. I felt worse than I did before... like there was some sort of bug gnawing away at my insides... for three weeks I felt that, and no matter what I did, it never went away. I slowly toweled off and threw some old clothes on. I headed downstairs... I could hear some noises coming from the kitchen so I figured that Lance must be up. He's the only one in the group who would ever voluntarily get up early. "Hey." He jumped about three feet off the ground, making me laugh. "Sorry... didn't mean to scare you."
"Hey Tobe... just give me a minute so I can get my heart beating again." I laughed. "So how're you doing?"
"Fine."
Lance looked at me strangely for a minute, as if he was wrestling with something. Finally, he spoke up. "Toby... you're... you're obviously not fine. I mean... I can tell that just by looking at you. I mean... you have rings under your eyes, you haven't shaved in a week. and you've lost so much weight... and you were a skinny guy in the first place! To be blunt, you look horrible!"
I tried to smile. "Well, gee... thanks."
He sat down across for me at the kitchen table. "Toby, look... I know that we've never really talked like you and Josh..." I winced when he said the name, and the bug in my stomach dug deeper. Lance noticed, but pushed on. "... Or Justin even... but you can talk to me if you want. I mean, I don't know... it might be easier to talk to someone who isn't the problem, or the best friend of the problem."
I sighed. He was probably right. Talking to someone who knew Josh might help... as might talking to someone who was in the same situation as Josh... that is, being on the road for endless amounts of time. "I don't know Lance..." I started.
He interrupted me. "Well, tell me this first: how do you feel about him? I mean..." he trailed off.
"Do I love him?" Lance nodded slowly. "I don't know... I mean, we've only known each other for like 5 weeks! I don't know if that's a long enough time to 'be in love' with someone."
He sat there for a moment, thinking over what I had said. "Ok, well, what do you feel for him?"
"I don't know. Well, that's not true... I do know. I know that I care very deeply for him... I know that the thought of losing him as a friend terrifies me, I know that the thought of you guys leaving tomorrow makes me sick to my stomach... that's what I know."
"Whoa. Why... why haven't you told Josh any of this?"
I sighed again. "That's what I don't know. I mean... Shane hurt me badly, and it warped me in a lot of ways. But it's really no excuse. Josh gave me the greatest present in the world: the possibility of love. And the thought of accepting it scares me to no end."
Lance looked confused. "But why?"
"Have you ever had your heart completely broken, so that it felt like it had been ripped from your chest and stomped on?" He just shook his head. "Well, I have. I've had to deal with loving someone, and not having them love me back. Because of that, the thought of falling in love again, of loving someone else, just scares me... even if I know that Josh wouldn't do to me what Shane did.
It's like... have you ever heard of classical conditioning?"
"No... what is it?"
"It's a term used in psychology. You've heard of Pavlov, right? And the stuff that he did with the dogs?"
"Ummm... yeah, I think... isn't he the guy that got the dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell?"
I nodded. "Exactly. He conditioned the dogs to do that by presenting them with food and ringing the bell at the same time... and then, he found that by just ringing the bell, with no food present, he could get the dogs to salivate as if there was food there. I'm like one of Pavlov's dogs.
When approached with love, I've been conditioned to react badly... just because I've been hurt in the past."
"Well, does it ever stop... or like... I don't know..." He paused while trying to figure out the best word to use. "Well, I guess wear off, for lack of a better term?"
"Supposedly. But it just takes time."
Lance leaned forward and looked me in the eye. "Look, Toby. I don't mean to pressure you or anything. but that's exactly what you're running out of." I started to speak, but he just went on. "Josh is one of my closest friends, and I know him better than... well, probably better than anyone except Justin. And so I know this: he'll wait for you, but it'll kill him inside."
I looked down at my feet. "It will?"
This time, it was his turn to sigh. "Josh... Josh is an incredible person. But his biggest fault is that he doesn't let a lot of people in... he clicked with you almost immediately, and started to tell you a lot, am I right?" I nodded. "I've never, ever seen him do that before Toby. In all the years that I've known him. he's always been the slowest one to warm up to somebody, or the one who avoids 'deep' conversations. But he didn't do that with you... you brought him out of his shell... but making him wait is just pushing him right back in. Look... I'm not telling you what to say... but you just have to give him an answer. Whether it's yes or no, good or bad... but he needs something. Otherwise, he's just gonna keep everything bottled up..." he trailed off, rather then finish his statement.
"I just don't know what to do Lance! I wanna be with him so badly... but it's just so hard!" I buried my face in my hands. I had yet to cry during this conversation, and I wasn't about to start now... not looking at Lance was the best way to prevent it, at this point.
"You wanna be with him?" I just nodded. "Toby, look... I'm gonna give you some advice that will be of absolutely no help to you, but it's what I think you should do: then be with him. If you wanna be with him, and he wants to be with you, do it!"
"I know... but then, on top of everything else, there's an added problem... you guys are leaving!"
"So?"
"So? So?!? If we did decide to start something, it would have to be long-distance... and long-distance relationships are almost impossible to do! It's just like an invitation for hurt."
Lance stood up and started to pace. "It's not that at all, Toby! I mean... look at the rest of us: all 4 of us have girlfriends at the moment, even though we're not with them a lot. If you care enough about a person, and really want to see it work, then it'll work. I can probably speak for Josh in saying that he would do anything and everything in his power to make a relationship work with you. I really think he feels that strongly about you."
I sighed. "Why does everything just have to be so difficult?"
Lance chuckled a little. "Because it's life, Tobe."
"Cute. Really cute."
He smiled. "Yeah, I am pretty darn cute." He watched me bang my head on the table. "What are you gonna do Tobe? I mean, I know that you don't need any added pressure or anything, but this is our last day here. We're leaving tomorrow. You need to make a decision."
"God!" I exclaimed, probably a little louder than I had meant to. "Don't you think I know that?" Lance's head dropped, and I knew that I had hurt his feelings. Just what I needed to deal with on top of everything else: one more thing to feel bad about. "Look Lance... I'm sorry. I know that you're just trying to help. I... I just don't know what to do, and it's wearing me out."
He nodded slowly. "I know that Toby... I do. We all do. But look... I'm just gonna say this, and then I'll be out of your hair completely, ok?"
"Alright."
He sighed. "Toby..." He stopped for a moment, as if unsure of what he was going to say. He started again. "Toby... Josh is one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. He's always been there for me when I needed him, and he's always been there to back up the decisions I've made. I love him like family. He's not perfect... no one is. But what he is is an incredible, caring, loving person... and if you don't want that, fine. But I think you would be an idiot not to give him a chance." He stopped, allowing his words to sink in, and abruptly turned around and left the room.
I watched him leave and tried to call him back, but my mouth wasn't working very well at the moment. Did he just call me an idiot? I sighed and leaned back in my chair. He was right, about everything. but especially about that last part. I am an idiot. Josh is everything that I could possibly want in someone: caring, supportive, funny, intelligent, attractive... and here I was, sitting on my ass, wondering what I should do.
I was still staring into space a few minutes later when Chris walked into the room. "Hey, Tobe... what are you doing up so early?"
I jumped out of my chair and quickly walked over to him, before my brain could catch up to what my heart was about to do. "Chris... I need a huge favor."
He looked at me for a second before his mind clicked, and he realized what I was talking about. "Anything man. You name it, I'll do it."
I spent the remainder of the day holed up in the studio, avoiding the guys, and putting the finishing touches on their CD. It was turning out pretty well, at least a lot better than I had expected. I doubted that it would top any "Best of the Year" lists, but it was something that I felt that the guys and I could all be proud of. I had no clue if it would sell or not, but it's what they wanted, and I was just happy that I could help give it to them.
I had only seen Josh briefly over the couse od the day. He walked into the studio a little before noon, asking me if I wanted any lunch. I answered no, but he stayed and talked to me for a few minutes. I could tell, even in only seeing him for that short period in time, that he was in pain. I could only hope that I could somehow make up to him all the hurt I had caused.
I finally emerged from my isolation around 5:00 and greeted the guys, who were all lounging around in the living room. I tried to put on my happiest face before speaking. "Alright guys... I think we're about done." This jolted them out of their relaxed state, and they all sat forward excitedly.
"Really? That is so cool!" exclaimed Justin.
"So when do we get to hear it?" asked Lance.
"Well, I figured that I would just make five copies of it and you guys could listen to it on the plane tomorrow. How does that sound?" The guys all nodded, except for Josh, whose entire body seemed to collapse when I mentioned them leaving. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again, but I had to press on. "So... what do you guys have planned for tonight?" I asked, staring directly at Chris. He got the message, and nodded slightly.
"Well... Joey and I were thinking we could check out a Hurricanes game tonight. We haven't done anything like that in a while," he started.
Josh raised his head. "Hockey? I hate hockey."
Joey quickly jumped in. "C'mon... it'd be fun, Josh."
"No way. Last time you dragged me to a hockey game I spent the whole time freezing to death and bored out of my mind."
As if on cue (ok, so it was on cue), Justin spoke up. "Well... we don't all have to go. Some of us could go, and some of us could just stay here."
Before Josh could say anything else, Lance entered the conversation. "Sounds good to me. I'm in... who else wants to go?"
As Justin, Joey, and, Chris all raised their hands, I made a mental note to give them all a huge thank you later. Josh sighed and leaned back. "Well, if everyone's gonna go, I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I?"
Chris spoke up again. "Well, wait a minute. Toby, what do you wanna do?"
I paused, as if I was actually considering the question. "Well, honestly, I've never been a big fan of hockey either. I'm thinking I would rather just stay here too."
"Are you sure?" I nodded. "Well, then you and Josh can just hang here... is that cool?"
"That's fine with me."
"Josh?"
He paused and looked at me. "Well..."
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Please don't let him be too pissed at me to stay here. That would not be good...
"What's wrong Josh? You can just stay with Tobe... that way we don't have to listen to you bitch all night," Justin quickly said.
Josh sighed. "Ok. I'll stay."
Thank God. I made another mental note to give Justin a huge hug later. "That's cool. Besides Josh, with these creeps gone, we can order as much Chinese food as we want." My joke seemed to placate him, and he nodded. "So when do you guys have to leave?"
"Well, the game starts at 7:30, so I would guess pretty soon. We can just grab dinner on the way," answered Joey.
"Ok. Do you think you guys can find your way alright?"
Lance nodded. "Yeah, I think we can manage... you've taken us by the arena a few times, and I think I remember how to get there."
"Cool. If you guys get lost or anything, just give me a call on the cell phone." I threw Lance the keys to my car. "And for God's sake, don't let Justin drive!"
"Hey! I'm a good driver!"
Chris laughed. "Yeah, about as good as Toby."
"Hey! I'm a good driver! Or... at least better than Justin!"
Lance smiled. "Ok, ok. I'll settle this. You both suck at driving. Now, I suggest that we get ready to go so we can grab some food." The other guys nodded in agreement and went off in various directions, leaving me alone with Josh.
"So..." I began, "Looks like it's just you and me tonight." He just nodded.
"You want me to order the food?"
"Yeah, ok."
"What do you want?"
He just waved me off. "Surprise me."
"Alright." I walked into the kitchen and began perusing the menu. When I finally decided on the order, I placed the call. As I was walking back into the living room, I ran right into Chris.
"So? How'd we do?"
"Chris, I can't thank you enough. You guys were perfect."
"Well, we do try," he laughed. "Seriously though, no problem. It's not every day that I get to hook up two of my best friends."
Wow. Best friend? I didn't know that the guys thought of me like that. It really meant a lot to me. As if reading my mind, he continued.
"Yeah, that's what I said. Get that dumb look off your face. We all love ya, and you know it."
"Wow... that means... that means a lot to me Chris. Thank you." I pulled him into a hug.
"Hey, like I said, no problem. Now don't disappoint me... when we come back, you two had better be doing some serious kissing."
I laughed. "I hope it turns out that well... but... but I don't know. The way that he's been acting around me lately, I feel like I've lost him."
He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. "Listen to me. You haven't lost anyone. But he needs to know how you feel. So just do it... and try not to be so nervous. I would doubt that Josh would change his mind about you."
I hugged him again. "I don't know what to say Chris..." I started.
"Well, then don't. The guys are in the car waiting for me. We'll see you later." He hugged me one last time, and turned to leave. I heard him say goodbye to Josh, and then the front door open and closed. This was it. I was alone with him.
I walked slowly into the living room. Josh was sitting uncomfortably on the edge of the couch. "I'm gonna go outside and smoke a cigarette... do you wanna keep me company?" He looked at me for a moment before answering.
"Ummm... no... I don't think so. I might go and take a nap or something before the food gets here."
"Oh. Ok." I watched him climb up the stairs before I headed outside. I lit up and tried to think, which was a difficult task at the moment... my head was kinda spinning. He didn't wanna come outside with me? He ALWAYS wanted to come outside with me. Why did I have the feeling that this whole evening just wasn't gonna go well? I've waited too long. I've just... I've just waited too long.
I stood out on the porch for a minute or two before I heard the door start to open. Yes! He came out to see me! I tried to play it cool, but my insides were doing somersaults. "So..." I began, turning to face him, "decided to join me after all?"
"No," he said bluntly. What? Then why was he out... "Phone's for you." He thrust the phone into my hands and walked back into the house.
I sighed. No sirree. This was not gonna be a fun evening. I eventually remembered that I had a call, and brought the phone up to my ear. "Hello?"
"Hey Tobe! What's up?"
"Hey Aaron... what are you so damned cheerful about?" I heard him sigh on the other end of the line.
"Hmmm... let me guess: things aren't going very well over there, are they?"
Now it was my turn to sigh. "Oh, to say the least."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No. But I probably need to... what do you know?"
"Ummm... all I know is that he told you that he cares about you, you told him the same, and then you had to go and be a dumbass and tell him that you needed some time."
"Yeah... I think that pretty much covers it."
He laughed. "So what's the latest?"
"Well... they're leaving tomorrow... and I've finally decided that I was being an... an INCREDIBLE idiot by not being with him... and I have to tell him that... that I need him in my life." I paused.
"Uh-huh..."
I sighed and went on. "So I got all the other guys out of the house for the evening so that I could talk to him... but... but he's just blowing me off! He won't spend any time with me, and every time that I try to talk to him, he cuts me off... I just... I just don't know what to do anymore!"
"Wow. Umm... Tobe... I don't know what to tell you."
I laughed a little. "That's funny. I don't know what to tell me either."
He sighed again. "Look, Tobe... the only thing that I can tell you is... is that you just have to talk to him, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much he blows you off. You have to find a way to tell him. You can't... you can't let him leave without knowing."
I slouched down on the front stoop. "I know that. I know that. It's just... it's just hard... I don't like talking to people who are angry with me... and the fact that I care so much about Josh only makes it worse!"
"I know Tobe. But this is a bit of a different situation... you have to do it."
This confused me a little. "What do you mean?"
"He's not angry with you, he's not mad at you."
"But..."
"No buts Tobe. My guess would be that, more than anything else, he's frustrated! He's frustrated that he likes you and can't do anything about it. He's frustrated because he knows that you like him too, and yet you guys still aren't together. He's just frustrated because he wants to be with you, and you aren't letting that happen!"
"Don't you think that I'm frustrated too?"
"I never said that you weren't. But look... there's no way of getting around this, Tobe... it IS your fault. You're the one who needed more time. You're the one keeping the two of you apart."
"I know!"
"So fix it!"
"Don't you see? He's not letting me."
Aaron cut me off. "No Tobe. Don't do it. No excuses. Just fix it. Fix the damn thing. Be with him."
I paused. He was right. It was my fault... and it was up to me to fix it. "You're... you're right... you're just right." As I was saying that, a car pulled into the driveway. Must be the food. "Look Aaron, our food just got here... I gotta go... I'll talk to you soon, ok?"
"Are you gonna talk to him?"
I thought about it for a second. I didn't really have a choice... I had to do it. "Yes. I am."
"Ok then. Let me know what happens."
"Will do. I love ya buddy."
"Love you too. Good luck."
I laughed a little. "Thanks a lot Aaron. Bye." I switched off the phone and met the driver halfway down the walkway. I took the food, paid him, and headed back for the house. I walked in and placed the food on the kitchen table. "Josh? Food's here." I was expecting some sort of response, but got none. I waited another minute or two, before I called again. "Josh?" Still nothing. I climbed up the stairs and headed for his room. I was about to knock on the door when I heard a muffled sound coming from the other side. I pressed my ear against the door and waited. A second later, I heard it again. He was crying. Why was he crying? What should I do? Should I go in there? Should I leave him alone?
No... I couldn't do that... regardless of everything that's happened between the two of us, Josh is still my friend... I had to try and help him. I slowly opened the door and stepped inside. "Josh?" I saw him lying face down on the bed. "Josh? What's wrong?"
When he heard me in the room he sat up quickly and tried to wipe his eyes. "Nothing Toby. Is the food here?"
I sighed and leaned against the doorframe. "Josh... please... I know that things have been kind of weird between us lately, but please... tell me what's wrong," I pleaded.
"Just drop it, ok?" He was staring at the ground, refusing to look at me.
"I can't do that Josh."
"What?" For the first time, he looked up at me. It took all my strength to restrain from gasping. He looked horrible. His eyes were bloodshot, there were tearstains running down his face, and his hair was a mess. "What do you mean? Just leave me alone Toby."
I walked closer to him, almost to the bed. "I can't just leave you like this. Tell me Josh."
"Why do you care?" he snapped.
I was in shock. I had never heard him speak with such anger... "Why do I care? Because I care about you! Isn't that good enough?"
"Really? You care about me? You sure have funny ways of showing it."
Oh shit. So that's what this is about. "Josh..." I began. I paused, not really sure of where to go with my thought. I finally regrouped and continued. "Josh... don't ever doubt that I care about you. Ever. It's pretty much the one constant thing in my life right now."
"Then why aren't you with me?!?" he wailed, before collapsing back on the bed. "I mean, what more do I have to do?"
"I... I... I don't know. I don't..." I just trailed off. Josh looked up at me for a minute or two before speaking.
"What do you want me to do Toby?" he asked softly. "Just forget about you? Go back to Orlando tomorrow and pretend like this..." he paused and ran his fingers through his hair before continuing. "Like WE never happened? Is that what you want me to do?"
I sighed again and walked over to the bed. I took a deep breath before speaking. "No... I don't want that at all."
"Then what do you want?"
"I want... I want... I want YOU Josh!"
He paused, thinking about what I had said, before looking up at me in amazement. "What?!?"
I laughed softly. "I want you Josh... I want to be with you, to comfort you, to hold you, to encourage you, to... I just want you Josh!"
He shook his head in wonder. "What? I mean... why?"
I laughed again. "Why? Digging for compliments, Mr. Chasez?"
This got a small laugh out of him, which I was glad for... it was the first time I had seen Josh smile in a while. "No... I mean, why did you change your mind... decide that you could do it?"
I sat down beside him. "Josh... the last three weeks have... have probably been the worst three weeks of my life... and that's saying a lot. I mean... I've had a lot of crappy-ass weeks in my life. But... but knowing how you feel... and me being such a complete idiot... I guess what I'm heading towards is that... I'm sorry Josh. For everything."
He lifted his head up. "Sorry?"
I nodded. "Josh... I have so much to be sorry for. I've been a complete jackass... these past 3 weeks, all I've thought about was being able to be with you... and the fact that I wasn't! And I've put you through all this crap..."
"Look Toby... don't say that... I'm sorry if it seems like I'm pressuring you into something. I said that I would give you time, and I mean that... it's just really hard."
"Josh... I don't think that you understand. I..." I stood up again and started to pace, something that I do a lot, especially when I'm nervous. "Over the last few weeks, I've known what I've wanted... hell, I think that I knew what I wanted from that first night that we talked." I stopped, took a deep breath, and went on. "Well... I... I... I care for you so much Josh... and no matter how fucked in the head I am..."
"You're not fucked in the head Toby!" he interrupted me, running his hands through his hair.
Whoa. I had never heard him swear before, and it kinda threw me. "Josh... I've never heard you..."
He cut me off again. "I don't. Almost never. But Toby, believe me when I say this: You're NOT fucked up! You've had such a rough time..."
"Josh..."
"No Toby. You might have some problems, but we all do. We all do."
I sat back down and put my head in my hands. Wow. Why did he have to be so damn wonderful? If he was just an asshole, I could just... I could just forget about him, push him out of my mind. "Thank you Josh."
"Don't thank me, I care about you. It's what I'm here for. I just want... I just want to make you feel good, to build you up, to... to just be with you."
God... how could I be so dumb as to almost let him out of my life? I looked over at him. He was staring at me with... with the most concerned, loving look. "Josh... you are so..." I cut myself off... I couldn't take it anymore. I slowly leaned in and kissed him. He seemed a bit shocked at first, but he recovered quickly. God... the moment I felt his lips against mine, I knew that I could never let him go. It seemed like the world was spinning around me, and Josh was my anchor... it was like I was being kissed for the first time all over again. There was no tongue, no slobber involved... it was just a simple, loving, caring kiss... I eventually pulled away and looked at him.
"Wow. I mean... wow." A huge smile spread over his face, mirroring my own.
I laughed. "Ummm... yeah... pretty much."
"Wow. I can't think of anything else to say... ummm... so I guess that's what you were trying to tell me, huh?" he laughed.
"Yeah, pretty much."
He stood up and began to walk excitedly around the room. "Wow! I just had my first kiss and it was with..."
Whoa. That snapped me out of my daze. "That... that was your first kiss?"
He stopped walking and looked at me. "Well... yeah, kinda. I mean, I've kissed a couple of girls during my 'straight' phase, but it didn't mean anything to me, for obvious reasons.
But I've never kissed a guy before... I... it would have been too hard the last couple of years and besides..." he paused, "I had never found anyone I cared enough about... before now, that is."
Wow. Oh God... now he's got me saying it. "So..." I began, as a smile spread across my face, "was it any good?"
He laughed. "Hell yeah!"
I laughed with him for a minute before walking over to him. "Well good... then you wouldn't mind doing it again?" I pressed my forehead against his.
"Not at all," he whispered. He brushed his lips against my own. "I think I might enjoy it a lot." He leaned in again... my God... if I was gonna feel like this every time he kissed me, I would never be able to give Josh up. He broke away this time, and placed his head on my shoulder. "Thank you Toby."
"For what?"
"For just being you."
I sighed and pulled him closer to me. "Well," I laughed, "you don't know me that well yet."
"True... but I'd like to try." We stood there for, well, God only knows how long... it could have been seconds, minutes, hours, years... I didn't really care. Finally, Josh pulled away. "You said the food was here?"
I laughed. "Uh-huh... it's downstairs... and way to ruin the mood!"
He grinned. "Well... I'm hungry! Give me a break!"
"Well, ok... just this one time though," I teased. I offered him my hand, which he gladly accepted, and we headed downstairs. I quickly set the table while Josh heated the food back up in the microwave. When everything was settled, we sat down for our first meal "together." I mean... we had eaten together before, of course, but it wasn't really the same. I was... well, I guess "giddy" would be the best way to describe my mood... and judging from the shit-eating grin on his face, Josh felt the same way. "So Josh... I realized something upstairs..."
"What's that?"
"Well, when you mentioned that that was your 'first kiss,' I realized that I don't know a whole lot about your past."
"Well, whadda ya wanna know?"
"I dunno... tell me a story?"
"A story? What are you now? Five?" he laughed.
"Exactly. I don't know... tell me about when you came out, or realized you were gay, or something like that. I mean, all the guys are so great about it... was it always like that? Do your parents know? Who does know? Do you ever plan on coming out completely? What..."
"Whoa," he laughed. "Slow down boy. Ummm... how about I just tell you about me coming out, and we'll see where that leads us?" I nodded, so he continued. "Ok..."
Alrighty! That's gonna be about it for this chapter... are you guys happier now? They're together... for now... heehee... what will the future hold? Hmmm... you'll just have to wait and see. If you liked the chapter... if you hated the chapter... if you had no feelings whatsoever about the chapter... email me about it! sethdropspants@hotmail.com... feedback of any kind is always welcomed. Well... I suppose that's all I have to say for now. So until next time... be good and don't let the man get you down!