Hello all! Wow... it's been a LONG time since I've last submitted, and for that I apologize. Life has been keeping me quite busy lately, and I just haven't had the time or the motivation to write anything. But a great deal of people have encouraged me to start writing again, so here's the result... it's quite a bit longer than the other chapters that I've submitted, but since it's been a while, I thought that was fair. This intro is also gonna be a little long, so if you don't wanna read it, I understand... you just might wanna read my thoughts on this chapter and then move on... but for you masochists out there who enjoy reading my ramblings, push on.
Ok, about the chapter: like I said, it's longer than the others... and a LOT of stuff happens... it's kinda a pivotal chapter I do suppose... some of you might be surprised by some of the events, but oh well... that's what makes these stories fun, right? If, like me, you have no memory of what happened previously, you might wanna go back and read the older chapters, especially Chapter 8, cuz this one ties into that a good deal.
Thank You to: Jeff, author of "Twist of Fate"... his friendship and care have helped me through a lot... and for that I am deeply indebted to him. Also, Ryan, DLS, Matt, RCJ, Adam, Rebecca... thank you for listening to me and helping me through a bunch of stuff. And to everyone else who's emailed me or contacted me... I apologize for being so out of touch lately... but I want you all to know that I DO appreciate it.
Disclaimers! If you're under 18, you aren't supposed to be reading this. And quite frankly, you should know better by now.
This story is a work of fiction (and not a very good one, at that) and does not mean to imply that anyone in NSYNC is gay... got it?
One last thing, and then I promise you'll actually have a story to read... I have a NEW EMAIL ADDRESS... it's now wrongfulsuspicion@hotmail.com. Emails are always appreciated, and I PROMISE to try and be better about responding to them this time... and I tell ya what... I'm gonna be MIGHTY pissed if I took all this time to wrote this long-ass chapter and NOBODY emails me about it... just a polite word of warning.
"I know we'll make it I know we'll survive"
-Ann Beretta
And now, "Common People"...
I glanced down quickly at my key to see if they had put me in the room they were supposed to, and I was relieved to see that they had. At least one thing wasn't fucked up today. I took the stairs up to the third floor... I didn't really have the patience to sit and wait for an elevator right now. I turned down the corridor leading to my room and saw a person sitting in front of what I was pretty sure was my room. Great... just what I wanna deal with right now. Tom must've flown down here... I walked slowly down the hall. When the person saw me approaching, he stood up quickly with a huge grin on his face.
"Hi Toby."
"Josh?!?"
I flipped through my CD travel case, trying to find something... ANYTHING... that would shape my mood for the upcoming hell. I definitely needed something angry, so it would have to be punkish... but I also needed something that would inspire me... get me on an adrenaline high so I could go into that meeting and kick some record executive ass. After narrowing things down a bit, I decided on the Alkaline Trio's "Maybe I'll Catch Fire," closed up the case, and placed the CD in my Discman. I quickly wrote a note out to Josh, explaining that I'd be back in a little while or that I would call if I were to be quite late, kissed my still-sleeping cutie on the cheek, and slipped out of the room. I raced down the stairs (I was running a little late... like ALWAYS) and hailed a cab... I got one kinda quickly, which surprised me... especially considering what city I happened to be in... I climbed in and, remembering my experience with yesterday's driver, simply told the guy where I was going and slipped on my headphones.
I mentally reviewed the tracks of the CD... what would be good? I decided on the title track, Track 6... as I heard the music start, I leaned back in the seat and let the music envelop me.
"This house is full of ears but I can't talk to anyone they've heard this one a thousand times most exciting thing I do- hang half-way out of third floor windows maybe throw lit cigarettes down
and maybe I'll catch fire something warm to hold me something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind all that evil shit's not hard to find I guess I only claim to be nice"
The song was a perfect choice.. I hit repeat and just kept listening to it over and over... and by the time I reached Jive, I was pumped and ready to go. I paid the cabbie and headed upstairs, back to Nielson's office. I checked in with the secretary, who told me that the suits were running late and that it would be a little while until they were ready... great... just what I needed.
It wasn't her fault though, so I decided to be a bit of a nice guy and not start screaming at her. Instead, I took a seat and began to patiently wade through a Spin magazine. I was just finishing an article about Blink 182 when my pager went off. I glanced down at the number and, recognizing it instantly, walked back over to the secretary. "Excuse me... but I just got paged... is there a phone anywhere around here that I could use?"
She studied me for a moment before answering. "Yes sir... you can use the phone on the desk right there," she said, pointing to a desk on the other side of the lobby. "It's not a long distance call, is it?"
I smiled sweetly. "Of course not." Placated, she nodded and went back to her work. I walked over to the desk, picked up the phone, made myself comfortable, and dialed Aaron in North Carolina. If I was gonna have to sit through this meeting today, Jive could sure as hell pay for a long distance phone call... secretaries be damned. After two rings, Aaron picked up.
"Hey Tobe."
"How'd ya know it was me?"
"What are you talking about, dumbass?" he laughed. "I just paged you!"
"Well, it coulda been someone else!"
"Fine, fine, fine... so what's up?"
I laughed. "Ummm... I dunno... you paged me, remember?"
"I KNOW THAT... but how did the meeting go? I left a message for you at your hotel, but I guess you never got it..."
"No, I got it."
"What... and you just decided to ignore me? That's cold man."
"Pretty much, yeah," I laughed. "No, really... things were just crazy yesterday."
Aaron sighed. "Well, that's what I called to find out about. So spill."
"Ok, ok, ok... so I get here, and Tom and this woman meet me at the airport... she hates me, by the way."
He laughed. "Well duh... what girl doesn't?"
"Shut up!" I was getting more and more glad that Aaron had paged me... he was definitely cheering me up... it reminded me of an inmate's last meal before getting executed. "So," I continued, "Tom's acting really weird when he picks me up..."
"How so?"
I paused, trying to think back objectively, without my present feelings playing a part. "I dunno... he was just really scraggly-looking and he was getting pissed easily."
"Tom was?!? That's really weird."
I nodded, even though Aaron couldn't see me. "I know. That's what I thought. So anyways, I get to the meeting, and, just like I thought, they don't like the CD... to quote the execs, it's 'not poppy enough.' So they want me to change it."
"But you aren't gonna do it, right? Fuck 'em... you can't change that disc man... I know you, and you could never live with yourself if you did."
"I think I have to..."
"WHY?"
I sighed. "Because Tom slipped something into the contract saying something like the CD had to meet the approval of a whole bunch of people... and if it doesn't, I could get sued."
"HE DID WHAT?!?"
"I know. And that just adds to my problems... I don't know what the fuck to do about that. How in the hell can I face Tom knowing that he fucked me over like that? How can I resume our friendship after that?"
Aaron was quiet for a few moments, thinking my situation over. I know that he knew how important Tom's friendship was to me... and I guess he was tying to come up with some solution. "Shit man... I'm trying and trying to think of something... but I just can't. What he did was really low."
"Yeah." I couldn't think of anything else to say. Aaron must have picked up on that fact, because he spoke again quickly.
"So anything else?"
I laughed a little. "What... that isn't enough?"
He paused. "Well... I guess it is... I just thought that maybe there was something else..." he trailed off.
I didn't say anything for a few seconds, letting him stew in his confusion. "Oh yeah... I forgot... thank you, Mr. 'I'll tell Josh where Toby is so that he can surprise the shit out of him.'"
Aaron laughed hard. "So he found you?"
I smiled. "Yeah, he did."
"That's cool... lemme talk to him... I never got the story of how he managed to just pick up and leave."
"Ummm... he's not here..."
"Where is he?"
"At the hotel... I'm back at Jive... I got a meeting soon about the CD."
"Why didn't Josh go with you?"
"He was sleeping... we were up late talking and I didn't wanna wake him... he looked too cute." Aaron started to laugh. "What?!? He DID!"
"I'm sure he did Tobe... so did he tell you the story?"
"Yeah... it's nothing too involved... he just walked up to Dave... he's their manager... and told him that he was leaving. Dave, understandably, didn't take that news so well... but Josh just said that either Dave could excuse him for two weeks... or not have him at all."
"Wow... that's a pretty big thing for him to say."
I sighed. "Tell me about it... and he was so cute when he was telling me about it... he looked SO proud of himself... it really meant a lot."
Aaron laughed again. "You are SO far gone... you do know that, right?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You love him."
That pretty much shut me down quickly. "Wha... why... I..."
"You don't say," he laughed. "What? You do though... it's really kinda obvious."
"I don't know what you're talking about... I don't love Josh."
"Toby, stop. Just STOP. For five seconds, just let down all of your defense mechanisms and admit to yourself how you really feel." I paused to think about what he was saying. Did I love Josh... my head was telling me "Of course you don't..." but... but my heart was saying something completely different. "Toby? You still there?
I snapped back to reality. "Yeah... sorry... I was just... thinking."
"Toby, lemme ask you a question, ok?"
"Alright..."
"Good... when you're not with Josh, do you miss him?"
"Of course!"
"And do you try and think of ways to be with him again?"
"Yeah..."
"And when he left, how exactly did you feel?"
I sighed at the memory. "Like... like a piece of me had been ripped out... like I was empty."
"Toby?"
I ran my right hand through my hair and sighed again. "I love him."
Aaron laughed. "Good... so now you just have to tell him."
"NO!!!" I interrupted... kinda loudly.
"What? Why not?"
"What... what if he doesn't feel the same way about me?"
"Are you INSANE?!? Tobe, the boy was willing to walk away from everything... his career, his life... just to be with you... so do NOT even begin to tell me that he doesn't love you."
"I guess... it's just..." I was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, to find Nielson's secretary looking at me with a weird expression on her face. "Hey Aaron? I gotta go... but I'll call you tonight, ok?"
"That's cool... and Tobe?"
"Yeah?"
"Do us all a favor and just tell the boy, ok? Drop the psycho- analytical bullshit and just tell him... alright?"
I sighed. "Aaron..."
"Fine... fine... at least think about it?"
"Ok... fine... I'll think about it."
"Good... I'll talk to you later... bye dude."
"Bye Aaron." I turned my attention back to the secretary. "Are they ready for me now?"
She paused before answering. "Uh... Mr. Nielson asked me to tell you that the meeting is going to have to be postponed for a while."
What the hell? I'll be damned if they were gonna make me stay here ANY longer than was needed. "What?!? WHY?!? You can tell Mr. Nielson that I'm here now, and he had better..."
She cut me off before I could get any further into my tirade. "Sir... please calm down..."
For some reason, that comment just made me even more irritated. "No, I WON'T calm down... I had an appointment today, and..."
"SIR!"
I sighed. I could tell that I wasn't gonna win this. "Fine... what excuse did they give you?"
"Sir... the man that you came in with yesterday... Mr. Delaney... he... he passed away this morning."
All thought processes in my mind ceased, all blood stopped flowing through my body, and my stomach dropped down to my ankles. "Wha... what do you... he... passed... away? What... HOW?!?"
She stared at me for a second before answering. "They really don't know right now... the maid found him when she went to clean his hotel room. They think it might have been a heart attack." I was speechless... my entire brain had shut down, with no hope of restarting any time soon. Seeing this, the secretary continued. "Mr. Nielson assumed that you wouldn't be in the best state of mind for a meeting, so he's canceled it. He told me that I should instruct you to call him when you feel that you're up to it. He also said to take as much time as you need." I... I couldn't stand there anymore, so I just nodded and walked out the door.
Time no longer meant anything to me, and everything was just one big blur. It seemed that one minute I was standing outside of Jive, and the next I was back in front of my hotel room. My mind wasn't working at all... I somehow remembered that I had to unlock the door before entering. Doing this, I walked slowly into the main room, seeing Josh on the sofa, watching television. He spotted me and stood up with a grin. "Hey you... how was the..." He trailed off when he saw my face which, I would imagine, wasn't looking too good at the moment. "Toby?" He practically ran over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. "Toby? What's wrong? What happened?" I tried to tell him, I really did. but I couldn't get any words to form in my head, let alone come out of my mouth. Josh looked at me for a minute, the concern evident in his eyes, before leading me over to the sofa and trying again. "Toby... what happened?"
I looked up at him with watery eyes. It was beginning to all sink in. "Tom..."
"What happened with you two? Did you have another fight?"
I shook my head quickly, feeling a few tears drop down my face. "No... no... he... Tom's..."
He scooted closer to me, wrapping his arms around me. "What Toby?" he asked soothingly.
My tears were flowing freely now. "Tom's..." I heard my voice choke up, so I paused for a second and took a deep breath. "Tom's dead." I said it flatly, with little or no emotion in my voice... but I guess the river of tears betrayed how I really felt. Josh's mouth dropped open in shock.
"He's... dead?" he whispered. "Wha... how?"
I sniffled a little and chuckled a bit. "Funny... that's almost exactly what I said... they... they think it was a heart attack."
"Toby... Toby... I'm so..."
I cut him off. "Don't say it... I know... I know."
"Is there anything I can do?"
I shook my head. "I don't think so." I took a deep breath, and we sat in silence as I tried to compose myself. Tom... we had been through so much... he was one of my closest friends... he gave me my start... he was like a father to me... I began to recall my last moments with him... yesterday's meeting... the look on his face, the hurt he was feeling... and now... and now nothing. He was... he was... gone. I could feel my breathing become faster and I could feel the tears begin to form again. He was gone. Tom was GONE. FOREVER. I would never get to work things out with him, never get to talk to him... he was gone... my body began to shake as I cried. I could feel Josh beside me, and I looked up at him. He didn't even need to say anything; I could see by the look in his eyes that he was there for me... my tears kept flowing faster, if that was possible. My body was spasming pretty badly, and I was near the point of hyperventilation. I looked up at Josh one more time, saw his face. and fell into his arms. My last recollection before passing out was of his hands running through my hair as I sobbed into his chest.
Three days later, I found myself sitting on yet another hotel balcony... alone for the moment, gazing up at the stars. The irony of the situation sickened me. Four days ago, all I had wanted in the world was to be in Orlando. And now I was, and all I wished was that I was back in New York, working things out with the label and with Tom. I heard the sliding door open behind me... but I didn't bother to turn around... truth be told, I didn't really wanna talk to anyone right now. "Toby?"
"Hey."
"How are you doing?"
"Oh... I've been better." I laughed a little.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Josh... you've been asking me that question for three days now, and the answer hasn't changed yet... so what makes you think it will any time soon?"
He sighed and walked into my field of vision. "You mind if I sit?" I shook my head. "Toby... I'm just gonna say this... I'm concerned about you! The last couple of days, you've barely said five words to me, and even less to everyone else... I know that... I know that you don't like to let people in... I KNOW that it's tough for you... but..."
"But what Josh? You gonna say something that's gonna make EVERYTHING go away? Neat fucking trick." As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them. And one glance at Josh's face told me that I had hurt him... I sighed. "I'm sorry Josh."
He didn't say anything for a long time... it seemed like hours, but it very well could have been minutes. Every now and again I would glance at him... but the expression on his face was completely unreadable. "Toby... you've been hurt very badly. You've lost one of your closest friends, someone who's helped you SO many times..." He stopped, seemingly unsure of how to continue. After a few more minutes (hours? seconds?) of uncomfortable silence, he continued. "But DAMMIT! Pushing away people who care for you and want nothing more than to help you isn't doing you ANY good!"
"Am I pushing you away?" I asked, still staring up at the sky.
"Yeah... you are Tobe."
"Are you gonna leave me?"
"WHAT?!? Where in the HELL did that come from?!?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. Just a question. One which you have yet to answer."
He sighed again. "Toby... the only place I'm going is where ever you are."
I smiled a little. "That was pretty mushy, ya know."
"I know. But I meant it." Again we sat for a while in silence, me staring up, Josh staring at me. "Why did you ask me that?"
"I dunno. I honestly don't know. Just something that was on my mind."
"Toby?" I felt his hand on my leg. I broke my gaze with the heavens and turned to face him. His face was full of nothing but concern and care.
"Yes?"
"Toby... tell me. Please. What's going on?"
I sighed. "I wanna go home."
A look of confusion washed over Josh's face. "I don't think I follow."
"There's nothing to follow. It was just a thought."
"Why? I mean, why do you wanna go home?"
"It just... it just feels so weird being here, so... uncomfortable. I can't deal with all of this."
"All of what?" Josh's voice was barely above a whisper, but I had no trouble hearing him. "Please tell me Toby."
"Do you think I killed him?"
"WHAT?!?"
"I just... I just keep thinking back to the last time that I saw him... the way he looked... he certainly didn't look good, and I have a pretty good idea that he was very stressed out about me... and then the last things that I said to him... what if I caused his heart attack?"
"What if you did?"
"Well... that really doesn't help," I said, half-jokingly.
"What do you want me to say Toby? 'No, of course you didn't cause his heart attack?'"
"That would have been good..."
"Well, I can't say that! Because I don't know what caused it, you don't know what caused it... there's absolutely NO point in placing blame anywhere near this... because no one will ever know what he was thinking, what actually happened that morning. The doctors said that his heart just gave out. Why can't you just leave it at that?"
"Because... because I KNOW what our last meeting was like... I KNOW what he looked like, I KNOW how he acted."
"Toby, you can't blame yourself. That's not gonna do you or anyone else any good... and you KNOW that Tom would be kicking your ass if he knew you were thinking something like that."
I smiled a little. "Yeah..."
"So leave it alone! Tom's gone in body, yes... but, as corny as this is gonna sound, he's with you, he's with all of us... in spirit."
"You're right... that was corny."
Josh ignored my comment and went on. "You gotta get past this Tobe... you're never gonna be happy if you keep living in the past, kicking yourself for what happened."
"But... but I don't know how. Fuck it... I don't even know where to begin."
Josh paused, trying, I assumed, to think of something to say. "You begin by admitting to yourself that Tom's death was NOT your fault!"
I sighed. "Melissa wants me to give the eulogy."
He sat up in surprise. "Really?" I nodded. "You gonna do it?"
"Yeah, I guess... but I don't even know what to begin to say."
"What's in your heart?"
I looked back over at Josh. "Ummm... tissue, muscle, blood, veins."
He smiled. "Now THAT sounds like my old Toby."
"I guess I'll come up with something... by tomorrow..." I sighed.
"If you can't write anything down now, don't. The words will come to you when they're ready."
"But what if I'm standing up there tomorrow and the words still haven't shown up?"
Josh shook his head. "I have faith in you."
"Thank you," I said quietly. We sat there in silence again. but this time it wasn't nearly as uncomfortable. I felt at peace for the first time since I had gotten the news about Tom.
"Toby?"
"Yeah?"
"I need to tell you something..."
"Ok..." I said, slowly. I turned to look at him... his face was showing a mask of confusion and worry. "Tell me."
He took a deep breath. "It's something I've wanted to tell you since I came to New York... but... for obvious reasons, I couldn't... and I KNOW that this isn't the best of times to be telling you this and that you have SO much on your mind already and that..."
"Josh... just tell me!"
He fell silent for a second. "Toby... I... love you."
My mind emptied as what Josh had just told me sunk in. "You... love me?"
He nodded and stood up quickly. He began pacing across the balcony, running his fingers through his hair. "I don't know what to tell you Toby... except yes, I do love you. I don't know... I mean, I know that I don't know you all that well, and I know that we've only known each other for about seven weeks or so and I know that there's a lot of stuff we haven't done or have avoided doing, if you wanna look at the physical side of it... but... but I KNOW that I love you! I've... I've never felt like this about ANYONE before! When I'm not with you, it KILLS me inside! When you walked into the hotel room three days ago with that..." he paused and looked down before continuing, "With that look on you face... I felt it too! I felt your hurt, and all I wanted in this world was to take it away! I would have done anything at the moment... ANYTHING! You keep... you keep telling me that you have a lot of problems, that you have a lot of issues with trust and love... I wanna be the one to help you get past them! I wanna be the one who's there for you when you're hurting, and I wanna be the one who's there when you're happy... I LOVE YOU TOBY... you mean the world to me."
Wow... no one had ever said that kind of stuff to me... I stood up and made my way over to Josh who, as his speech ended, had turned away from me and was leaning on the railing, staring out at the world below. When I reached him, I hooked my arm around his stomach and laid my chin on his shoulder. He eventually turned back around to face me, the tracks of tears still fresh on his face. I softly wiped them away with my free hand. "Josh... this is... this is the awkward position to be in, because you might feel like I'm only saying this because you said it... I want to assure you though... that I'm not." I took a deep breath. "I love you too Josh." I paused as a smile began to break through on his face.
"You... do?"
I laughed a little. "Yeah Josh... I do. I, Nicholas Tobin Evans, love you, Joshua Scott Chasez. And, for the record, that'll be the ONLY time you hear me say my full name." He giggled a little and I brushed my fingers along his jawline. "Josh... I dunno what to say. Basically because you said everything so well, you little bugger... what I can tell you is that... my love... my heart... my soul... is yours... and... and I hope you know... I hope you know how much it takes for me to say that."
"I know," he whispered.
"Well good." I smiled at him. "Because I mean it. I... I thought I knew what love was when I was with Shane... but what I get from you, what I feel for you... it's light-years away from what I thought was 'love.' You... Josh... have shown me what love is."
"Thank you..."
"No Josh... thank YOU."
"For what?"
"For WHAT?!? How long do you have?" He smiled again. "Josh... thank you for loving me... for caring about me... for being here for me... for wanting to understand me... for wanting to help me... for... God... for everything."
"Toby... you never have to thank me for that stuff."
I smiled a little. "Well, that may be... but I need you to know how much it means to me... you much YOU mean to me."
He laughed a little. "You do realize how mushy we must sound, right?"
"I couldn't care less." I leaned in slowly and kissed him, my lips pressing against his and causing shockwaves throughout my body. He pressed his body closer into mine... and I could feel his heartbeat... I could feel OUR heartbeats... as one. His hands began to roam around my body, traveling up my back and then down my chest and stomach. He pulled away from me for a second and looked me in the eye.
"Toby?'
"Yeah?"
He blushed a little. "I feel so stupid asking you this..."
I smiled at him, having some idea what he was thinking. "Just ask... nothing you say could be stupid."
He laughed. "Ok... now THAT was a good one."
"Why thank you... now ask me."
"Will you... can we... I mean..." He stopped himself, a mixture of anxiety and embarrassment in his voice. "Toby... I know that we've pretty much avoided the subject at all costs but... but... will you make love to me... with me?"
I grinned. "How did I know you were gonna ask that?"
"I dunno... you're psychic?"
"A strong possibility... Josh... you don't know how badly I want to make love with you..."
His face fell a little bit. "But?"
I sighed. "But... not now."
"Jeez Toby, I didn't mean NOW. We're going to the funeral of one of your best friends and a good friend of mine tomorrow... it wouldn't be right!"
I smiled. "Or... at least... not tonight."
"Is that an invitation?"
"Just maybe... look Josh, I'm sorry, but..." He held up his left hand, effectively cutting me off in mid-sentence.
"Toby, I understand completely. You're right. Ok? Don't feel bad about it, because I happen to agree with you totally."
"You sure?" I asked, searching his face for any sign of uncertainty.
He laughed. "Yes Toby... I'm sure. But..."
"But what?"
"But you'll just have to make it up to me on a later date, ok?"
"Deal," I laughed. I took his hand in mine and kissed him. "Now let's get some sleep, ok? Tomorrow's gonna be a long day."
"Hey... I'm supposed to be the one who says that... I'm the responsible one, remember?"
I grinned at him. "I guess I learned from the best." He blushed at that comment, which made me smile even more. "Hey Josh?"
"Yeah Tobe?"
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For getting my mind off of... stuff... for cheering me up."
"No problem Toby. And it only took me three days," he said with a smile. I laughed and led him inside.
The day was nice... not too hot, not too cool... one of those beautiful 75- degree weather days. There was quite the turnout... I guess even I never realized how many close friends Tom had made over the course of his life. I was positioned in the first row, next to Melissa and Jen and the rest of Tom's family. I looked around, searching for Josh and the other guys, but I couldn't find them... all I wanted was Josh next to me to help me through this crap... but we decided that it might look kinda odd for him to be sitting next to me, holding my hand... people might assume something... odd how people jump to conclusions. Aaron and Lori were also somewhere around here, but we had arrived kinda late, and didn't get much of a chance to see anyone.
A priest was at the front, standing beside Tom's coffin, speaking about his life. This struck me as somewhat odd, since Tom was never the most religious of men... but I suppose that, in death, most men try to claim otherwise. I was only partially listening to what the priest had to say, since I was still trying to come up with something to say during the eulogy, which I was due to present in about 10 minutes. The surroundings I currently found myself in were not, I discovered, the most conducive to speaking about a person's life. I dunno how the priest did it, time after time, funeral after funeral. Every time I looked around, I just got the overwhelming sensation of death... not a subject I like to think about under any circumstances.
I looked around again, FINALLY finding Josh and meeting his gaze... he nodded at me and smiled a little, but I could tell that he was fighting back tears, making me want to do nothing but comfort him... I reluctantly turned away from his eyes and sighed, feeling helpless. My mind started to wander a bit, and, as usual, my thoughts drifted back to Josh... what would I do if he died? I mean, I know that it's a kind of silly question, but it IS possible... nobody expected Tom's death... people die everyday... what makes me or Josh or anyone else so damn special that we happen to live? If Josh were to die... I dunno what I'd do. I couldn't picture my life without him, AT ALL... so did that mean that I had to kill myself if he was gone? I've been down that road once, and it isn't very appealing to me for a return trip. I guess the answer is that a person just has to go on with his or her life, the best way that's possible. It couldn't be easy... I couldn't even begin to fathom what Melissa was feeling right now. I glanced over at her... she was sitting, completely stone-faced... but I knew her well enough to know that her heart was broken... she was probably just trying to be strong for Jen... God... that would be WAY too much pressure... to not only have to deal with the death of the person whom you love... but to also have to pretend to be strong to help another person through the same ordeal? That would just be too much for me... I KNOW that I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I fortunately snapped back to reality at the exact same time the priest was introducing me... Melissa grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze as I stood up and made my way to the podium. Up there, all I could see was rows and rows of people... some crying, some pale, some simply expressionless... I guess that each person deals with death in his or her own way... there isn't any "cure-all" or any easy choices for easy results... I suddenly felt very scared... I had no idea what I was about to say... and I was just worried that what I did have to say would seem like an injustice to Tom's memory... but everyone was expecting me to speak... so I guess I had to say something. I looked out one more time at those rows and rows of faces... and just began to say what was on my mind.
"I have to be honest with you... I have no prepared remarks. When Melissa asked me to speak today... I accepted, of course. But I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to put into words what Tom meant to me... what Tom meant to all of us. We are all here today because Tom touched us in some way... I would ask that everyone stand up and tell the rest of us what Tom meant to you... but there are far too many people here and far too many stories... stories of love... stories of friendships... stories of Tom." I paused and took a breath, still trying to find some words that would do Tom justice.
"Tom was... one of the most unique individuals I have ever met. The word 'unique' is used almost exclusively to refer to people who are outcast from society, people who differ from social norms. Following this definition, Tom WAS unique... for many reasons. Kindness. Caring. Love. In our times, these traits are unique... and Tom embodied them all." I stopped again, and caught Josh's eye. He nodded almost imperceptibly... but it was enough to encourage me to go on.
"People... people wrap themselves up in the act of living that they forget what's behind that act... what's important. Tom spent his life knowing and enjoying what was important to him... but that wasn't enough for him. He also spent his life showing others... reminding us, the people whom he loved and who loved him..." I trailed off as I felt the first tears begin to form in my eyes. I took a minute to compose myself and re-establish my train of thought. I laughed a little. "He would probably hit me if he knew I was crying." I said as I wiped a stray tear from my cheek.
"I wish... I wish that I had something more memorable to say, some word or phrase that represented Tom... but I don't. And somehow, I think that was probably Tom's masterplan. He wasn't the type who would like to be summed up so easily." I stopped and sighed. "My only regret in my relationship with Tom is that I never told him how much he meant to me, how much I looked up to him... how much I admired him. In many ways, he was my father, a role he took it upon himself to uphold... and I loved him for that. I never told him... but Tom meant the world to me. And... and... I miss him already." For the first time since arriving at the podium, I looked to my left and let my gaze settle onto Tom's new home. "I have nothing more to say really... like I said, I wish I was a more eloquent speaker... but I'm not. I can only hope that I've been able to express a tenth of what Tom meant to me... because I know that there's no way I could ever fully describe his impact on me, and on my life." I turned again to the coffin and took a deep breath. "It was good living with you Tom... but it wasn't for nearly long enough."
I was tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. everything. I exhaled slowly and watched the smoke drift upwards. It was difficult... trying to adjust to life without Tom... he had been there for so long.
"Toby?"
I sighed. "Hi."
"Can I sit down?"
"If you want to... though for some reason this seems really familiar."
Josh laughed a little. "Yeah... this balcony has gotten a lot of conversation lately, huh?"
"Yeah." We sat in silence for a while, me smoking and him watching.
"I thought you were trying to quit."
"I am."
"Ok." He sighed. "Toby... why... why did you just leave?"
"I couldn't stay there anymore."
"I can understand that... really, I can... but... but you could have told me! I was worried about you... and I wasn't the only one... Melissa, Aaron, Lori, Justin, Lance... just to name a few."
"Sorry. I guess I wasn't thinking."
"I guess not." His words were filled with something that sounded like hurt. And for some reason, that just set me off.
"What the hell do you want from me Josh? I'm SO sorry that I couldn't be there anymore... I'm SO sorry that I just had to give the eulogy for one of my best friends... I left! Big fucking deal!" I glanced over at Josh and, from the look on his face, could tell that that was the exact wrong thing to say.
"It is a big fucking deal! Dammit Toby! What the hell is wrong with you?" He was yelling now... I had never seen him like this and it frightened me a little bit. I slouched lower in my chair and waited for the onslaught to continue. ""For God's sake... for one second, can't you stop thinking about yourself? There are a lot of people... A LOT... who care about you and love you... why can't you see that? You say that you love me, and then pull a stunt like you did this afternoon... you didn't even think to tell me you were leaving or that you were hurting or ANYTHING! What am I supposed to think about your so-called 'love' from that?!?"
Those words twisted into me like a sharp knife. "That was really low Josh."
He sighed. "Maybe so, and I'm sorry. But... you ask what I want from you? It's simple really... I want you to LET ME IN! TALK TO ME! I love you Toby, and you still can't talk to me? You still pull away from me? That's not right at all."
As usual, he was right. But things just weren't that black and white. "I don't know how," I said quietly.
"What?"
"I said that I don't know how to let you in, ok? For a very long time now, I've kept A LOT of stuff bottled up inside of me... and for you to suddenly expect me to just spill it all to you at the drop of a pin is completely unreasonable."
"Why?"
"I dunno... I just don't think I could do it! I have... I have a lot of problems Josh, and a lot of insecurities... and I would doubt that you would want to hear about them."
"Toby... what part of me loving you do you not understand? I WANT to hear this things, no matter what they happen to be... but you have to give me the chance Toby!"
"Josh..."
"Try me Toby... give me a chance."
I sighed. I could tell that I wasn't gonna win this battle, and fighting it was just making me even more exhausted. "Fine Josh... what if I told you that I was just waiting for you to leave me?"
"What?!?"
"You heard me. I'm just waiting for you to find someone better, or realize that I'm NOT all that you want... you told me that you love me... well, ever since that moment, I've been wondering every MINUTE when it's gonna change, when it's gonna stop."
"Toby..."
I cut him off. "No Josh... you wanted to hear this, so you're gonna. I have absolutely NO idea why someone like you would love someone like me... it just blows my mind, and I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"Wait a minute... what the hell do you mean, 'Someone like me?'"
"What do you think I mean? You're so... perfect... and I'm... an idiot. It doesn't add up."
"I'm far from perfect Toby, and for you to put me up on that pedestal is unfair."
"Well, maybe so, but the fact remains that you're a much better person than I am."
"How can you say that?!?"
"Because it's true. Look at you, and then look at me."
"Toby..."
"No. Let me continue." Seeing no further statement coming from Josh, I went on. "So answer me this: why should I let you in when I'm sure that you're just gonna leave me when you realize what an ass I am? Let's face it Josh... long distance relationships are hard enough as it is, and when you factor in my stupidity, the odds of our survival is practically nothing."
"Where did all this self-loathing come from?!?"
"I don't know."
He sighed and stood, pacing across the balcony, a hurt and sad expression enveloping his face. "You really, truly believe that I'm just gonna leave you?"
I paused to think about my answer... should I be truthful and hurt and possibly lose Josh, or lie and keep this relationship going? I sighed. "Yes. I do."
He ran his hand through his hair trying, I guess, to come up with something to say to me. "Ok Toby... you asked me why you should let me in, so I guess I get to ask you a question too, alright?" I nodded slowly, wondering where he was going with this. "Then why are you still here? Why, if you're so sure that I'm gonna leave you, are you still with me?"
"Because I love you!"
"Well guess what Tobe... I love you too! Would you ever cheat on me?"
"Of course not!"
"So why are you so damn sure that I will? Do you think I'm lying when I tell you that I love you?"
"No..."
"So why can't you trust me enough to stick by you? I'm not gonna leave you Toby... and even if there was 'someone better,' as you put it, guess what? I'M NOT LOOKING FOR HIM... and I'm not looking because I've found YOU, and you make me happier than I've ever been! I love you Toby!"
I laughed a little as memories of Shane flooded my mind. "That's funny... the last person who said something like that to me ended up breaking my heart twice."
"Dammit Toby, I'm not Shane! I'm not! And I'm not anyone else who's ever hurt you! And it's completely unfair of you to lump me in with all those people when I've done NOTHING to cause you to think that way about me."
"Don't you think I know that? It's just so fucking hard."
"Toby..." He sighed and knelt beside me, putting his hand on my knee. "Toby, I know it's hard. I know that. But... but you have to give me a chance!"
"Do I?"
That question hit hard, if I could read the expression on Josh's face correctly. He stood up, looking at me with sad eyes. "No Toby... I guess you don't." He turned from me and walked back inside. I sighed, knowing I should go in after him. but I didn't. I couldn't. I just sat there and lit another cigarette.
It had been dark for quite some time when I finally stumbled back inside. I was surprised to see Josh still here, and still up... sitting on the bed, watching television. "Hi."
He responded without looking at me. "Hi."
"I thought you left."
"I did. Then I came back."
I sighed and collapsed in a chair, dreading my next question. "Do you... do you still love me?"
This got his attention, as he finally looked up at me, with a mixture of amazement and hurt in his eyes. "What?!? Of course I still love you Toby... I'm just pretty pissed at you right now."
My head dropped. "Why?"
"Why am I pissed?!? I think that's gotta be pretty obvious... I mean..."
"No," I interrupted. "Why... why do you love me?"
"Are you serious?" I nodded slightly. He sighed. "Toby... that's an almost impossible question to answer. I could give you a list... but that would come off as nothing but generic."
"What do you mean?"
He reached for the remote and shut off the t.v. "Well, I could sit here and say that you're kind, funny, intelligent, caring, sexy, passionate... but those are just words Toby. And they're words that have been so overused that they barely mean anything anymore." I nodded again. "What I can tell you is... tonight excluded... you make me happier than I've ever been! I feel things when I'm with you or when I'm talking to you that I've never felt for anyone! You make me feel so good Toby... and all I want, all I can think about is how I want you to feel like that too!"
"I do," I mumbled quietly.
"Do you?"
"Yes," I said, a little louder this time.
"Why?"
"Because... because of you!"
He smiled a little, the first time I had seen that all day. "Then what's the problem?" I started to say something, but he held up his hand, causing me to keep quiet. "Wait a minute... let me finish." He sighed. "Love is... love is the most simple thing in the world, but also the most complicated. The trick is knowing that you have to deal with both sides of it. You can't just sit there and expect things to happen for themselves, because love takes a lot of work. But you can also overanalyze everything, and that's not good either! Some things you have to just take on faith."
"That's not exactly my strong point."
"I know it isn't Toby. But look... how can anything progress with the two of us if you push me away from the start?"
"So maybe we shouldn't be together."
"Is that what you want?"
I shook my head. "No."
"So why did you say it?"
"I dunno... maybe to give you an out in case you wanted one."
"Well guess what... I DON'T! I wanna be with you... I thought I had made that clear before," he said with a little laugh.
"I can't... I can't promise you no insecurities or problems."
"I'm not asking you to! What I'm asking you for is the opportunity to work through them WITH ME. That's all I want."
I paused to think about what Josh had just said. Everybody was right. I though about things and analyzed them WAY too much. "Ok."
"Ok?"
"OK!" I said, with a grin.
He laughed. "Good."
"Are we... alright?"
"I don't know... are we?"
"I think so..."
"Well... then so do I." He grinned... a REAL grin, full force. "You wanna get to bed? It's late, and we can talk about things more in the morning..."
I shook my head. "No."
"No?" He looked at me with confusion. "What do you wanna do?"
"Come with me."
"What?!? Where? It's almost 1:30."
"Just come on. I need to go somewhere, and I want you there with me."
"But where?!?"
"Jeez... stop asking so many questions and just trust me!"
He laughed. "Ok, ok... you got me. Let's go."
The car ride had been completely silent until I pulled into the parking lot of our destination. "Toby... what are we doing here?"
I looked at him, trying to keep my confidence level up. "I need to do this."
"But... but can't this wait until morning? Cemeteries really freak me out... especially late at night."
"You can stay here if you really want... but I have to go."
He sighed. "No... I'll go with you... but if anything like `Thriller' happens, I'm throwing you to the zombies."
I laughed. "Deal. Let's go." We began trekking across the grounds, and I silently thanked Melissa for not putting Tom in one of those cemeteries surrounded by big stone walls... I wasn't really feeling up to scaling anything at this point. Josh led the way to the grave, since I had skipped out before the actual burying. When we reached it, I let go of Josh's hand and knelt down beside the tombstone, running my hands along the freshly dug earth. I studied the marker, reading what Melissa had seen fit to place on it. I was surprised, and glad, to learn that she had decided to include Tom's favorite quote: "You may say I'm a dreamer/ But I'm not the only one/ I hope someday you join us/ And the world will live as one." I sighed. He was always a huge Lennon fan.
"You ok?"
I turned back to look at Josh. "Yeah... I just need a minute."
"Take as much time as you need. I'll be here."
I smiled at him and turned back to the grave. I sat there for what seemed like hours, searching for something that would put my soul at ease. "I... I feel kinda stupid doing this... because I don't even know if you can hear me... but I need to." I paused, still looking for the right words. "Why... why'd you do it Tom? Why did you hurt me like that? All the people I know, all my friends... you and Aaron were the only ones I trusted unconditionally... so WHY?!? What was worth betraying my trust like that?" I felt the first tear make its way down my cheek, but I didn't wipe it away. "It hurts... it HURTS SO MUCH. And... and I don't know how to get past it! If... if you were still here, we'd be able to talk about it, maybe work things out... you could have at least explained WHY to me! But... but that'll never happen now... and I have to just live with what did happen." I sighed. "But... but that's not the reason I came here tonight. I came here... to tell you... to tell you that I meant what I said this afternoon, in the eulogy. Even after all this shit... I still love you Tom... you were one of my best friends... and... that'll never change. I just... I just wanted you to know that." I stood up slowly and stared up at the sky. "I'll miss you... wherever you are... know that. Know that." I placed my hand on his tombstone and brushed away some errant dirt. "Goodbye Tom... you'll always be in my heart," I whispered. I took one last look at the grave before turning and walking back towards Josh, who was sitting patiently on the path. When he saw me approaching, he stood up quickly. As I reached him, I held out my hand for him, but he pulled me into a hug instead.
"Are you ok?"
I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes... seeing... seeing nothing but love. I laughed a little through my tears. "No, not really... but I think I will be."
Well, was it worth the wait? Email me and let me know... I'm pretty open to comments and constructive criticisms. I dunno... saying "you suck" to me might not get a nice response in return though. Other than that, feel free to email me and lemme know what you thought. As for the next chapter, I have no clue when it'll be out, but I will promise you that the story WILL continue... cool beans? Until next time... be good and don't let the man get you down! SLJ!