COMPASSION
Chapter 19
Paul could not have been happier if he tried. He was studying to realise a dream, well, not so much a dream as a reality that he just needed to develop skills so that he could achieve it, and, most important of all, he was with Michael for the next four years.
First year set the tone for their college life. Michael wanted to party and Paul needed to ride shot gun. If Michael got drunk he could damage his spine again, so Paul was there to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Totally teetotal, Paul would drink sodas and watch Michael's back. If he picked up a girl, Paul would brief the girl that Mike's back was not to be overstressed. Mike had to explain to the girl then that he had been a paraplegic when he nearly severed his spine at eleven years old, and had only begun walking again two years previous, he found this all quite amusing until after that year he realised Paul never picked up a girl and spent all his free time studying.
"Lighten up Bro, have some fun. When we leave here it's going to be a lot of years with our noses to the grindstone if we don't want to disappoint the dads."
"I'm ok Mike, I just need to watch your back and I have so much I need to learn."
Mike pondered this and spent more time Paul watching. No girls, no parties unless he was there. During college breaks Paul was never happier than when he was with him, which was most of the time. Next college year Mike broached the subject.
"Hey Little Bro, how come you're like my shadow. You have to be the cutest guy in college but no dates, ever. You're always with me or studying."
Paul blushed and couldn't look at the brother he worshipped.
"I promised I would look out for you forever after your accident. That's my full time job Mike. I love you so much, I never want to see you in a wheelchair again."
Mike lifted Paul's chin and looked him in the eyes. He saw the love and something else that he didn't understand straight away. It shocked him, there were feelings there that Paul wasn't clever enough, or devious enough to hide.
"I love you too Paulie, but I'm not going to do something silly because you take your eyes off me for a minute."
Mike saw the tears forming, and it clicked. He shuddered, Paul was like their Dads, but the man he wanted was his brother. He wrapped his arms round the boy that had been with him forever, the boy he loved above all others in the world, but not in that way.
"Oh Paulie, no, that can't happen. I love you so much, but not like that. I'm going to get married one day and have kids, not like we were but with a wife that I love."
Too much for Paul he disintegrated.
"I can't help it Mikey, whenever I think of loving and sex I always have you in my mind. I love you so much I'd be your slave forever if you wanted me."
Mike didn't have a clue how to handle this situation and Paul made it worse with his next statement.
"You won't hate me Mikey, will you? I'll die if you stop loving me."
Mike couldn't handle this, but he knew he had to reassure Paul.
"I could never stop loving you, you are part of me, losing you would be worse than chopping my legs off. I have to think about this Little Bro. You stop worrying though, I'm always going to be here for you."
Mike almost overloaded emotionally, what the hell was he going to do about Paul? A wrong decision could end up with horrific consequences. It was doubtful he would love his wife, when he found one, more than he loved Paul, but not in a sexual way. He had to talk to Darren, oh hell, he had to talk to both his dads, this was way too big to keep from either of them.
While Paul was at the library one evening, Mike `phoned home. He got hold of Jack first.
"Hi Dad, can you get Pa and go on speaker `phone, I need to talk to you both together."
Jack didn't ask questions, he knew it was serious, so he just called Darren.
"Ok Son, we're both listening, go ahead."
"I don't know what to do or how to handle the situation here. Paul admitted to me the other night that he loves me in the same way you two love each other. I'm not like you Dad and Pa, I want to get married and have kids with a wife that I love. I love Paul so much but I can't go his route and I'm worried about him. He was pretty distraught when he told me and he is still very uptight around me. I keep telling him that I love him and I'm not upset with him, but it's not enough. What am I to do?"
The last words were said with a desperate edge to them.
Jack and Darren looked intently at each other waiting for the other to say something. Darren eventually shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.
"Ok Son, try to calm down. Your Pa and I don't know the answer off the top of our heads, we are going to have to talk about it and we'll get back to you as soon as we have any suggestions."
"Ok Dad, I'm on my cell, please don't take too long, I'm really worried."
"We understand Son, talk to you again soon. We love you."
Both men slumped into easy chairs opposite each other and just looked. Jack eventually spoke.
"I don't have a clue Lover. Those boys have been together from birth. Paul has had nineteen years to grow his love for his brother, how the hell do we vary that love so that it isn't destructive?"
"I don't have any better idea than you Jack. If you had told me eighteen years after we met that you weren't gay I would probably have died. I know Paul has never had a sexual relationship with his brother, but that probably makes it doubly frustrating now that he has come out. I wish he had done it before they went to college, we would have been better placed to handle it."
"Mmm, I agree. I wonder what caused it to happen now."
Counselling was an obvious route, but that would shatter Paul, knowing that his dads knew and had set it up. This was a dilemma that neither of them had ever considered. Both thought that the boys love for each other was a healthy one. Both gay, or both straight it would have been ok, but one of each was a disaster.
Darren came to a decision.
"I can transfer my next few days appointments to other doctors, Jack. I'm going to do it and go up to the college to see the boys."
Jack didn't say so, but he thought that was a brilliant suggestion, someone on the spot to assess the situation. Michael could well be exaggerating a bit as he was only twenty one.
"Ok, let me know if you want me to come up as well when you have assessed the situation." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mike was surprised as he walked up to his dorm the next day to see his pa pacing up and down outside. He gave him a big hug first, thinking how much Paul was like his pa.
"What are you doing here Pa?"
"Your Dad and I thought we ought to send in the cavalry. He'll join me if I think it's needed."
Mike looked serious as he stepped back.
"I don't know what to do Pa. Paulie has withdrawn into his shell. He doesn't look at me anymore and around me he's like a little mouse, almost scared of his own shadow. I'm not gay Pa but I'm even considering having sex with my brother I'm so worried about him. I know that's not the long term solution, but I'm so worried about him."
Darren could see the love and hear the worry in his son's voice.
"You're right Son and I'm proud of you for considering it. We'll sort it somehow. Now where will I find Paul?"
"He'll be in the library until supper time. We usually meet up in the cafeteria."
"Ok, keep your cell `phone by you, I may want to change that."
Mike gave his pa directions to the library before heading for his dorm room.
Darren found Paul with his head in a book and notes surrounding him on a library table. Touching him on the shoulder he wasn't prepared for the reaction. As soon as Paul saw who it was, he jumped up, tumbling his chair back and making an awful racket. He threw himself into Darren's arms and broke down.
"Oh Pa, what am I going to do? I love him so much."
Darren looked round at all the stunned faces that could see the action, but fortunately didn't hear the comment. He held his son and spoke quietly in his ear.
"Pack up your things, let's get out of here."
A quick exit from the library and a slow walk back to the dorm.
"We are going to sort this out Son. You can imagine how worried Mike is. He loves you so much and hates what is happening between you."
Paul was slowly composing himself and managed a reply.
"I know Pa, but now that he knows, I feel uncomfortable around him. I so wanted him to be gay like me, but the more I saw how he reacted with girls the more I realised it was an impossible dream."
"Remember how strong you were from ten years old, helping your crippled brother? Well now you need to be strong for you. Michael loves you so much. He told me he had even considered having sex with you, but knew that was only a short term solution and he doesn't want that. So, we can do one of several different things. Move you to another college, move you to another dorm, or leave you where you are, but whatever we do you need to start looking for a companion outside of your family."
Paul teared up.
"I know Pa, but it is so hard when you have loved someone as long as I've loved Michael."
"I know Son, but you've loved me and your Dad just as long."
Paul sniggered, "Yes Pa, but you're both a little old for me to want sex with."
Darren was affronted, not seriously.
"Huh, you should be so lucky to have a lover like your Dad even at our age," then he blushed, realising what he had said.
Paul was now in full flow, "Mmm, you'll have to let me watch you to get some pointers then when I find a boy friend."
The banter was just what was needed. When they arrived at the dorm, Paul threw himself into Michael's arms.
"I'm sorry Mikey, I've been so silly. I know I've embarrassed you, but it's only because I love you so much."
Michael looked at his Pa as he stroked his brother's hair and replied.
"And I love you so much as well Paulie. We'll work it out. I'll have to help you find a boyfriend."
"Yes, and when I've got one, I'm going to let Dad and Pa show me how to make love to him."
Paul was laughing then which spoilt the effect a little.
"In his dreams Son, now though, Paul, do you need any more help from your old man or now that we've had all the bloodletting can you two handle it without me moving you to another college?"
Paul looked at Michael who gave him a nod.
"I think so Pa. I know it's going to be hard because there aren't any guys that I've seen ever that I could love like I love my brother."
Michael jumped in then to let Paul know that their love was strong.
"I've never loved anyone either Paulie like I love you, and even when I get married my wife will always be second in my love list."
That appeared to be it. Darren couldn't believe how easy it had been. He just hoped that Paul would keep it all together. He was, after all, an intelligent young man. He must realise that if Michael was straight they could never have the relationship he wanted and if he didn't sort it he would lose his brother.
"Good. In that case, let me take you both out to dinner after I've `phoned your Dad, and I'll head back in the morning if you're sure I can't do anything else here."
"We're sure Pa."
Both boys said it together, then looked at each other and laughed.
"Thanks Pa, I guess I just needed someone to talk sense to me and get my mind back in place."
Crisis over, hopefully for good, but at least Paul had started to realise the futility of what he had dreamt. *****************************************************************************