Confusion

This is my first attempt at writing a gay story. So, I hope whoever reads it enjoys it. A lot of it mirrors my own life, and a lot of it doesn't. If you legally shouldn't be reading this, then don't. You know who you are. E-Mail me with any comments since there will be many parts to it.

Confusion

Part 1

I've never been one to express what I really thought of people, much less let anyone know what I was thinking about myself. Maybe that's what got me into trouble in the first place. I always hid what I felt and wasn't even sure of that half the time. I still wasn't sure what I wanted from life, or what was expected of me. But once I became 18, I figured it was about time I found out.

I was a student at a university in Chicago. I had received a full scholarship, so I was pretty happy with myself. Brains were something I had been blessed with, and school had never been a problem with me. It was early April. El Nino was screwing with our weather, and you could never count on the sun. Sure, it was Spring, but that never stopped Chicago weather from throwing me a curve. One day I'd be all bundled up in my coat, chasing my hat down the street as the wind blew it through the middle of traffic. The next, I'd be out in a field playing baseball wearing nothing but a pair of shorts.

Today was different though. The sun was out, and it was unusually warm. I decided to walk along the lakefront and enjoy this rare opportunity. I wanted to get a head start for the summer, so I left my shirt behind and walked along the rocks in running shoes and a pair of soccer shorts. It was a great day and I wasn't about to let a good tan go to waste.

I'm not shy about my looks. That may have been untrue a few years ago, but I was ok now. I stand just under six feet tall. The wind was blowing my dark brown hair into my equally brown eyes. It was annoying at first, but I got used to it. I found a spot on a pier. There was a small lighthouse there, and it was far out into the lake. The water was an aqua green color and very soothing. I stretched out on the pier, letting the warmth of the sun cover my body like a blanket.

I liked getting a tan. I thought it helped accentuate my features. My chest was pretty developed, but not bulky. I never understood why people tried to make themselves into huge pieces of meat. I was fine with my body. I had what people call a soccer player's build. My muscles were noticeable, especially my abs. I figure it was from kicking the ball around so much. I loved to play soccer and a summer never went by when I wasn't on a field about three times a week.

My family was like that though. My dad was a huge hockey fanatic and was always playing. Even my little brother was a miniature version of me. If you weren't athletic in my family, it was like you were committing a grave sin. Christians go to church, my family plays sports.

After sitting out in the sun for a few hours, I got up and started walking back to my dorm room. The sun was starting to sink behind the tall buildings of the city, and it was making my tanning attempt pretty useless.

My dorm is this large building, about twenty floors. It was also extremely paranoid. Then again, it was in a terrible neighborhood. I had to use an electronic key card to get through at least three doors, not to mention a journey past the security guards that would scrutinize my ID carefully before letting me pass.

I walked into the elevator. I watched as an Indian kid pushed 19 on the panel as I hit 14. He was short and extremely dark-skinned. He was also painfully thin. If anyone had tapped him, I swear he would have split in two. There was that awkward silence I always feel when in the elevator with someone else. I always think that I should say something to just be polite, but I never do.

The elevator made a high pitched beeping noise and I walked onto my floor, using my key card yet again to gain access to my floor. Talk about paranoia. I lived on an all male floor. The floors were single sexed, which suited me just fine.

I classified girls into two categories: loud and obnoxious, or quiet and annoying. I can't say that I hated girls. Some of my best friends were girls. But, I never thought much of them as far as dating went. They just bothered me in that respect.

I unlocked my door and walked into my room. My roommate was gone, probably eating dinner. I chucked off my shoes and took off my shorts. I like walking around in my boxers. It gives me some freedom and it's really comfortable. I sat down at my desk and flipped the computer on. I spent a few minutes checking E-Mail and reading some message boards that I kept up with.

Incredibly bored and not feeling very hungry, I cruised around on AOL jumping from chatroom to chatroom. I was looking for someone to talk to, someone to take some monotony out of my day. For a little fun I looked up my university in the member's directory, hoping that someone from my school would be online. The search turned up about ten names, so I read all the profiles, hoping to find one that I liked.

I found a profile for a guy named Mike. He was from the suburbs of Chicago like me and shared my interest in baseball and soccer. I gave it a shot and located him. I almost fell out of my chair. The locator indicated that he was in a chatroom "m4m 18 to 21."

I IMed him, telling him that I was from the same school, where I lived, how old I was. He ended up being my age and a freshman as well. We both thought it was cool that we found each other on the Internet. I pretended that I had no idea he was in a gay chatroom. I didn't want him thinking I was gay for some reason. If he knew I was gay, he might think I had an ulterior motive for talking to him. I didn't. I just like talking to other gay guys, since they seem to understand me more than most people.

After chatting for about 15 mins, my roommate walked in. I told Mike I had to run. He surprised me by asking if I wanted to have some dinner with him in the cafeteria of my dorm. At that moment, my stomach made a hollow noise. I agreed and said I'd be down in twenty minutes. I would be the guy wearing blue shorts and a black baseball cap.

I took a quick shower, got dressed, and told my roommate where I was going. My roommate is sort of like my mother. He's always wondering where I'm going. In the morning, he asks me how late I was out and where I had been. Some people love college because they were nowhere near their parents. I had no such luck. I left, took the elevator down, and walked past the security guards towards the cafeteria. The place was pretty deserted. It was about 7:30, and not too many people have dinner that hour. I didn't see Mike anywhere. He said he would be wearing a red Bulls jersey and black shorts.

"Erik?" I turned around at the sound of my name. I almost fell over myself. Mike was quite possibly the hottest guy I had ever laid eyes on. He was about as tall as I was with light blonde hair that went down just above his ears. His eyes were that clear blue that always made me get a lump in my throat. He seemed to be working on a tan as well. I could see his skin through his jersey. It was one of those shirts with all the holes in them. He was completely smooth and browned. His muscles were outlined so well I almost tackled him right there. There was no fat on this kid. His pecs ended with small, dark nipples. His arms were well-muscled, and his abs rivaled my own. I merely stared.

"Erik?" he asked again, breaking my trance.

"Oh, hey, you must be Mike," I said extending my hand, hoping he didn't notice that my mouth was open while looking at him. He shook it firmly. "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

"Don't worry about it. I'm always sneaking around. I like surprising people." He smiled, flashing perfect, white teeth. I laughed and smiled too, tearing my eyes away from him. I tried to act cool, but it was almost impossible not to gape at him in awe.

We grabbed some food, at least I think it was food, and sat down in the corner of the large room. I dug in immediately. I just realized that I hadn't eaten all day. Mike ate slowly, looking across his plate at me from time to time, then staring out the window.

"So, Mike," I said in my most friendly voice, "you were just bumming around the Internet?"

He leaned back in his chair and put his arms behind his head. My eyes immediately went to the tufts of blonde hair under his arms. That always turned me on, don't ask me why. "Yeah, I don't have any homework tonight and I was bored. It was the only thing there was to do."

"Yeah," I said, shoving a forkful of some kind of pasta in my mouth, "same here. I usually check mail and things when I get home. It's something to do to keep me busy."

After that, we both got quiet. It was a little uncomfortable. I really didn't know what to say. I'm not great at talking to people I don't know, and I didn't want to ask him generic questions. Thankfully, he saved me.

"So, what are you going to do tonight?"

I put down my fork and thought about it. "Not much, probably. I don't have any work to do and my roommate is going downtown. I think I'll enjoy his absence as much as possible." Basically, that was French for I was going to sit around and look at some gay sites on the Internet and whack off a few times. When you have a nosy roommate that is always wondering what you're doing, that opportunity doesn't present itself too often.

"Cool," he said, looking out the window. I swear, I was in love with his eyes. "All my roommate does is study all day. It sucks."

I thought I'd test the waters. "Well, you can come up to my room and hang out for awhile if you want. It would give you time away from your roommate, and me someone to talk to while I do absolutely nothing."

"Really? That would be cool," he said with a big grin.

We cleaned up our table and went back to my room. Since he was from a different dorm, I had to sign him in at the security station. It was an annoying chore. Security acted like I was bringing a murderer to my room. I was waiting for them to ask Mike what his mother's maiden name was. It's really that bad. We got up to my room. My roommate had already left thank god. I flipped on the light and turned on some music. I had this recent obsession with the Bloodhound Gang. I thought their music was hilarious. Mike didn't seem to mind.

I sat on my bed, and threw a pillow over my lap. I flipped through a notebook absently, trying to look like I had something important to look at. I didn't. I never do, but I always try to act like I'm busy. Mike looked around the room and finally sat down on my roommate's bed. "Hey, do you mind if I smoke? My roommate will never let me do it in my room." He fished a pack of Marlboro Reds from his pocket.

"Nah, go ahead," I said, reaching into my desk drawer and pulling out my own pack. Sure, I'm athletic, but I smoked occasionally. It's just this habit I picked up. I don't even remember when I started. I lit my cigarette and then reached over with the lighter to light his. His lips wrapped around the cigarette made it look so erotic. I just thanked God there was a pillow in my lap.

I inhaled deeply and blew out the smoke in a long stream towards the window. I was a smoker, but I hated second hand. Go figure. Mike sat there smoking and looking around the room at the various posters. We were starting to fall into that awkward silence again. I was determined not to let that happen again.

"So, you're gay." The words flew out of my mouth. I'm such an asshole. I didn't even know what I had said until after I had said it. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I knew that that was the last thing I wanted to say.

Mike looked like a deer caught in headlights. He just stared at me as his cheeks turned bright red. His mouth was moving, but no words were coming out. I felt like such a jerk at that point.

"It's ok dude," I said quickly, trying to be reassuring. "I located you online, and I saw which chatroom you were in. It doesn't bother me. Some people get all weird about that stuff, but I don't." Mike took a long drag from his cigarette and exhaled. His hands were shaking. I wanted to run up to him and give him a hug. But, I couldn't. I had to play it cool. I didn't want him thinking I had contacted him because I was looking to score.

Mike hopped up off the bed and started walking towards the door. "I really should get back to my room."

I jumped up and walked over towards him as fast as possible. "Dude, really. Don't worry about. I wasn't going to say anything. It just popped out. I feel really bad. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. We were doing that pretty well all on our own." He laughed which was a huge weight off my shoulders. "Seriously. I don't think being gay is a bad thing. It's just the way you are. It's no biggie."

He seemed to be feeling a little better and he went back and sat down on the bed. "So, if you knew I was gay, why did you agree to meet for dinner?"

I wasn't going to reveal too much about myself. I didn't know him too well yet. He seemed like a cool guy, and he was definitely good looking, but I am always on the defensive. "I dunno. Your profile said you liked baseball and soccer. I do too. I just felt like talking to someone from school with the same interests. I figured it'd be cool."

"That's cool," he said, still looking a little nervous.

"Mike, really," I said, reaching out and putting my hand on his shoulder. "It's cool."

He smiled again, and seemed happy. "I've just never met anyone that doesn't get all paranoid when gay people are around. People think if you're gay, all you want to do is get on them."

"Some people shouldn't flatter themselves."

He laughed. It came from deep within his chest, and it made me smile. "Yeah, exactly," he said. "There are some ugly guys that sit there and say 'I don't want a homo anywhere near me. No one's going that route with me.' Sometimes I wonder how some of these guys even get girls, let alone a guy, to look at them twice."

"Well, don't worry about. It's all an ego trip anyway. Do you want anything to drink?"

"Sure, that would be cool." I reached into the fridge and tossed him a Coke. He opened it and drank it. Like me, smoking made him thirsty. I watched as his adams apple moved back and forth. I wanted to trace every line on his body. Every little move and gesture just made me want him more. His shorts had been pulled up a bit when he got on the bed, so they were a little tight around his crotch. I could tell where his package was, and was able to get an eyeful when he wasn't looking. The head of his cock was pushing against his left thigh, and his balls were outlined just enough to give me a rough idea of what was behind those shorts.

"Man, I needed that." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Yeah, I always get thirsty after smoking too. Wanna watch some TV?"

"Sure." He seemed a lot more comfortable, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I jumped up on the bed and sat next to him. The beds in the room were set up where I could never get a good view of the TV from my bed. He shifted around a bit, but didn't seem to mind that I sat only inches from him. I grabbed the remote and started flipping through the channels after shutting off the stereo with another.

"So, you don't mind that I'm gay?" he asked, turning his face towards mine. I could feel his breath on the side of my cheek. Damnit, there wasn't a pillow within reach. I pulled up my knees against my chest and rested my chin on them.

"Not at all dude. Like I said, I don't care what people do. If you're a cool guy, whatever you do in your free time doesn't bother me."

"That's cool. You seem like a pretty cool guy."

"Yeah, you do too. Otherwise, you're ass would have been out the window by now." I smiled. He laughed hysterically, grabbing my shoulder to hold himself up. I didn't flinch or draw away, which would have been a bad move at that point. He squeezed my shoulder. I guessed he was feeling the muscle there. "Hey, do you work out?"

"Yeah, sometimes I do," I replied, slightly moving my arm so the muscle beneath his hand would flex a bit. "I don't like sitting in a weight room though. It's too claustrophobic for me. I like being outside."

"Yeah, same here. I don't like guys that are obsessed with weights. It makes me think that they are obsessed with themselves."

"I can see why you'd think that." My days in high school gym came to mind. The football players were always lifting weights and measuring themselves. I thought it was obnoxious.

I wasn't sure if Mike thought I was interested in guys. I always feared that being cool with gay people would give me away. I was certainly being more friendly with Mike than most people would have been. I think he suspected.

I didn't even know what I wanted. I know I wanted him. He seemed a little unsure of himself. I guessed that he wasn't used to having someone around him that knew he was gay. I wanted to let him know it was alright. But, I didn't know if I should plunge myself into something. If I did something, that would make it irreversible. So far, I had hid my feelings for guys and never acted on them. If I did something here, it would change everything for me.

I always locked up my feelings. I figured I would get married, pump out a few kids, and make my parents and family happy. That was what I was expected to do. I had to cling to that idea of what my life should have been. But, I never felt so strongly towards anyone like I was towards Mike. Sure, I didn't know much about him, but I was drawn to him, more than any other person I had known.

"Dude, are you ok?" Mike was looking at me, his gorgeous eyes filled with concern. I didn't realize that I had been staring off with a serious look on my face. Whenever I'm turning over something in my head, my eyebrows get lower and my face gets dark. It's really dramatic looking.

"Sure, dude. I was just thinking about something." I tried to smile weakly.

"Well, what is it?" He seemed really concerned. Thinking about it, I realized what my face must have looked like. I was in theater in high school and know exactly what kind of expression is on my face at any time. I know he saw a look of worry and slight fear. He knew something was up.

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Are you sure?" He put his hand back on my shoulder. This wasn't a come on for him. He was really concerned. I could tell. His eyes were wide, and his light eyebrows arched.

"Yeah, it's ok. I've just had something on my mind lately. Sometimes I pick rotten moments to start thinking about something."

"Ok," he replied, squeezing my shoulder. Did he want me to lose control? He was doing a good job of getting me close. "But, if you want to talk about it, you can talk to me."

"Thanks," I muttered guiltily. Why couldn't I tell him?

He looked at the TV screen and continued talking. "I know guys usually don't like talking to other guys about serious stuff. It's some kind of macho bullshit. But, you can tell me because I'm, well, different." He looked at me and grinned.

"That you are my friend," I said, trying to be upbeat and giving him a playful punch on the shoulder.

We sat there watching TV for another hour. Gradually, we inched our way closer to one another, until we were touching. I leaned against him, and started falling asleep. I hadn't slept much the night before and was really starting to go out of it. I don't know how it happened, but my head ended up in his lap.

He acted really nonchalant. He knew something was bothering me, and I guess he decided to be sympathetic. I wish he wasn't. I wish he was an asshole. That would at least make me like him less. But, he wasn't. He was one of the most caring people I had ever met. He stroked my hair as I started drifting off to sleep. Before my day faded out into blackness, I swear I felt something on my forehead. They were soft, warm, and comforting. I think they were lips....

Confusion Part 2

I woke up with a start. Looking over at the clock, I noticed that it was just past eleven. It was dark in the room since all the lights were turned off. I was in my room mate's bed with a blanket draped over me. Jumping up, panicked, I flipped on the light, almost killing myself in the process. I really had to clean the room. I looked around and saw a note on my desk.

Hey dude,

I had to go back to my room and get some sleep. I figured you needed yours. Call me tomorrow morning. We'll go to a Cubs game after class.

Mike

He left me his phone number. I was tempted to call him, but I decided he was probably asleep. I turned on my desk lamp and turned the overhead lights off. I turned my monitor on and signed on. I listened as the screeching noise of the modem sliced through the quiet of my room. I lit a cigarette and sat back as the images flashed across my screen.

I set to work right away and checked my buddy list and my E-Mail. Mike was on neither of them. I sighed, feeling somewhat lonely, and looked at the phone number he gave me. Just then my roommate, Greg, walked in.

"Have fun?" I asked. I'm always nice to my roommate. Personally, I don't like him, but it makes living with him easier.

"Hell yeah." He started telling me abut his adventures, talking about girls and how he got this one girl's phone number. He was always getting girls numbers. Well, at least he told me he did. I knew it was a lie. My room mate lied all the time about his exploits. There were never any girls in the room. I humored him though and nodded whenever he started getting really excited about some aspect of the night that only existed in his head. It was really sad.

I reached over and grabbed a bottle of vodka from a shelf and poured it into a glass. Since I had napped, I wasn't tired. I needed something to get me to go to bed for the night. I couldn't wait until the next day. My anticipation of seeing Mike prevented me from sleeping.

After writing some mail to my mom and surfing the internet, I turned the computer off and fell into bed. I got drunker than I intended and fell asleep almost immediately.

The next morning, I overslept. I just said fuck it and decided to skip class for the day. I got out of bed. My dick was rock hard and poking through the hole in my boxers. I was just glad my roommate was in class. I walked across the room, scratching my chest, and gathered up some clothes to wear for the day. I noticed that the light on the answering machine was blinking on and off. I walked over and hit the button to play the messages and went back to my clothes search.

The calls were pretty lame. My mom had called, wondering when I would be home next. There was a message from my professor telling me that a lecture had been moved to a different room. The last message caught me by surprise. It was from Mike.

"Hey Erik, this is Mike. I just wanted to make sure you got my message. If you're still up for that game, it starts at 3:20. I'll give you a call when I get back to my room. That should be at 1:30. Talk to ya then."

My heart had pretty much stopped beating. His voice had a certain quality that was driving me nuts. I moaned and flopped down onto my bed, pulling a pillow over my face. I had no idea what I was going to do. Actually, I knew exactly what I was going to do, and I had yet to come to terms with it.

I walked into the bathroom and slipped off my boxers. I turned on the water and waited while it warmed up. No one was around at that time. They were all in class. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my body, wondering if Mike found me attractive. I looked at my shoulders and arms. I was happy. The muscles bulged out just enough to impress, but not enough to make me look bulky or overly muscular. My chest was still smooth and I hoped it would stay that way. My legs were solidly built. The muscle rippled across the smooth skin of my thighs. I traced the line of dark hair from my navel to my cock. Around the base of my dick, it was darker and curly. Some people I heard had to shave their body hair. I guess I lucked out. I was no longer hard and hung limply between my legs, the head reaching an inch past my hairless balls. I admit, I had a good body, but confidence isn't my strong point.

I showered slowly, making sure every inch of my body was clean. I scrubbed my butt cheeks, even the hole. I wanted to be spotless. I guess, even then, I knew what I wanted with Mike. I would be fully prepared. I even went so far as to shampoo the hair around my cock. I don't know what got into my brain, but I was suddenly conscious of every part of my body.

I wrapped a towel around myself and walked back to my room. I toweled off and wrapped it around my waist again. I just love to have very little on. The breeze coming through the window felt great against my skin. I laid my clothes out on my bed. I was just about to get dressed when someone knocked on my door.

"Come in," I said without thinking. People were always coming in my room during the day. In a dorm, there is rarely any privacy.

"Hey dude, oh sorry." I froze. Slowly, I turned around. Mike was standing in the doorway, wearing a pair of red soccer shorts and a white t-shirt. He had an embarrassed look on his face.

"Oh hey, dude. Come on in. I just got out of the shower." I tried to act as if him seeing me in only a towel had no effect on me. "I thought you were going to call when you got back from class at 1:30."

"Well," he said, reluctantly sitting down, "I thought I'd just pop over."

"What time is it?" I asked. I'm not good with time. I never know what time it is during the day.

"It's 1:45."

"Oh shit, I really overslept." I pulled on a white t-shirt. I decided to just make a move. I had nothing to lose really. He either liked me, or he didn't. I dropped the towel to the floor and turned towards him, pretending to look for my boxers. It was then I realized I really didn't know where my boxers were. I had to do a lot more moving around in the buff than I had intended. The shirt didn't do anything to conceal my lower half.

Mike tried to avert his eyes, but I caught him taking a few peeks at me. The thought that he might be interested in me made my dick twitch. I saw his eyes widen. I was well on my way to getting fully hard when I willed myself to go down. Not an easy task with someone looking like Mike in the room. Thankfully, I found my boxers and put them on quickly, throwing on some soccer shorts right after. He just sat there as I put my shoes on.

"I thought you might want to catch batting practice. I wasn't sure when you'd be out of class, so I just stopped by."

"How'd you get past the security guards? I can barely get past them, and I live here!" I pulled out my mitt from under my bed. I turned, and he looked away suddenly. He had been staring at my ass.

"Someone from your floor that I know was down there the same time I was, so he just signed me in and let me through the door."

"Cool. You ready to go?"

"Yep, ready when you are." I wasn't sure if he was talking about the game anymore. For some reason, I took that comment in an entirely different context.

The game wasn't too bad. The Cubs won, and that made us happy. Halfway through the game, we had taken our shirts off, hoping to get tanner than we already were. Half the time I was watching the game. The other half was spent catching peeks at his body. I watched as his sweat ran down his chest and under his arms. He smelled great. It was a musky scent that only another guy could give off. His hair practically glowed in the sunlight. He smiled a lot throughout the game. We were out in left field and were constantly heckling the left fielder from the opposing team. It was a lot of fun.

When we returned to the dorm, we were a little tired and considerably darker. Fortunately, neither of us were prone to sun burn. He looked better than before, if that was possible. His eyes were more prominent as they peaked out beneath his white eyebrows and bronzed skin.

We went back to my room. Greg had left a note. He was gone until the next day. He was staying with some friends that he knew in the north suburbs. They were having a party up there and he had left early. Well, it was Friday night after all. I counted my blessings and thanked whatever god that had allowed me to have the room to myself for the night.

Mike sat on my bed and threw his shirt off. We were still warm from the sun. I was tempted to put the air conditioning on, but I knew he'd eventually put his shirt back on if it got too cold. I decided to bear the heat just so I could look at him.

He reached into the fridge and grabbed a Coke and threw me one. I took it gratefully and tossed my shirt into my hamper. Sweat still covered my body. "That was some game, eh?" I jumped on my bed and sat with my back against the wall. I chucked my shoes off and threw them on the floor.

"Yeah, I haven't seen the Cubs this good in years."

We shot the shit for a few minutes talking about baseball teams and statistics, trying to forecast how the year would turn out. We were both puzzled over the Marlins. Why a championship team would throw away so many good players was beyond us.

Eventually, we got quiet again. My brain started working full force. I wanted to know more about him. I guess we were approaching what people called intimacy. I didn't know anything about it, but I knew it made me wildly uncomfortable. Still, I wanted Mike, and I would do whatever was necessary. "Dude, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Erik. Whatever you want." He looked at me seriously. It was then that I realized that he truly my friend. At least I had that, and it seemed it was written in stone.

"What's it like being gay? I mean, did you always know you were?"

He shifted on the bed a little bit and drew his knees up against his chest. "Yeah, I guess I have. I mean, I dated a few chicks in high school, but they didn't do anything for me. I always looked at guys in locker rooms and shit. Plus, I don't like what comes with women. I mean, their personalities drive me up the wall. They come with baggage, I guess. With a guy, it's simpler. You can be relaxed with a guy and you can see where he's coming from. Guys understand each other."

"That's cool," I said, looking at him intently, studying every feature on his face. I wanted to kiss his face, his cheekbones, his forehead, his lips. Everything.

"Yeah. It's hard, because people don't accept it still. And, I guess they just don't understand. I hated being gay. I asked God why he'd let this happened to me. I wanted to be straight. I tried to be straight. I just couldn't do it. Every thought always led back to guys."

I felt like a knife was twisting in my heart. Here he was, talking to me about his inner feelings. I felt as if I was listening to myself. These were my feelings. He had them. He knew who I was. I couldn't help myself. I began to cry.

"Dude, what's wrong?" he was panicked. He thought something he said had frightened me. He moved over and put his arm around my shoulders. I leaned my head into his chest and started sobbing. I felt terrible. Here he was, thinking he was alone in his thoughts, and I was there the whole time relating to everything he said.

"I'm sorry, Mike. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to go through this."

"What are you talking about, dude?" He was stroking my hair again. His arm tightened and drew me closer against him. "It's not your fault. None of it is. It's the way things are. I'm used to all this."

I shook my head. "No." I pulled away from him and wiped the tears from my cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'm just being a pussy."

"No you're not, dude," he said. Somehow, whenever he talked, it was comforting. "Something's bothering you. It was last night, and it is now. You can talk to me, Erik. I won't judge you. I just hate seeing you like this. Please." His eyes were pleading with me. He wanted to understand.

I looked up at him and did the unthinkable. I kissed him. My lips met with his, and I pressed against him. He tensed up. I knew this was a surprise to him. Maybe he didn't suspect after all. He slowly relaxed. His mouth opened as his tongue slid between my lips, searching for mine. I ran my hand along his neck and put it behind his head, stroking his hair. My tongue entered his mouth. A groan rumbled from his chest as we kissed passionately. For a moment I forget where I was. I forgot even who I was. I was lost within him. All my thoughts were absorbed in him. I kissed him like I was starving. I couldn't get enough.

I pulled him against me, slipping my hands behind him to caress his back. Our chests pressed together. Heat was emanating from him. I felt his heart beating. It was like thunder. His hands tenderly stroked my face while we kissed, telling me that I would be all right, no matter how afraid I was.

I pulled away and looked into his eyes. They were so blue. I cannot describe that shade, nor would I try to. They were shimmering, as if unwept tears lingered there. I was frozen in time. I could die right there, if only those eyes were my last sight. "Mike, I don't know what's wrong with me."

Mike wrapped his arms around me and drew me against his chest. My ear could hear his heart thumping. He kissed my hair and pressed his cheek against my head. "Erik, it's ok. I understand."

He did understand. I knew he did. I knew he felt everything that I had felt. I knew that he felt the fear coursing through my veins. I had never loved before. I had never let myself. And here I was, as vulnerable as a child. But, I was in his arms. At the time, that's all that mattered to me.

I kissed his chest and looked into his eyes. I wondered if he knew they could cause so much pain and so much longing at the same time. "Mike," I said heavily, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never felt this way before. I know I like you, and I know what you've been going through. I can't believe I let you feel that way without doing or saying anything. This is all my fault."

"Don't worry about it." He stroked my hair and looked into my eyes. "I was afraid that you could never feel the same way I felt about you. I knew something was bothering you. I figured you'd get it out on your own. I didn't know it had to do with me."

I stared at him. There wasn't a trace of hair on his tan skin. His pecs were hard, but the skin was soft at the same time. His right nipple pressed against the corner of my mouth. "Mike, I know this must sound completely insane, but I think I'm in love with you. I can't stop thinking about you, and I don't know why. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said, kissing my forehead. "I'm glad you told me. I'm pretty sure I feel the same way. But, I never thought I could have you, so I put it in the back the back of my mind immediately. Dude, you don't how know you make me feel, but I'm glad I found you."

I turned my head up and kissed him quickly. "I just don't know what to do."

He gave me a strong hug and sighed. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

I turned my head and kissed his nipple. It immediately stiffened. Gently, I brushed the tip of my tongue across it. I couldn't resist. It tasted salty from his sweat, but there was definitely a certain element that was completely him. I looked up. "But I want to do something with you, Mike. I just don't know what I should do." My eyes were begging him, tears forming just around the edges. I was lost. I didn't know how to handle the situation.

Slowly, he lifted me up under his arms until I was sitting on his lap. He took my face in his hands and wiped the tears away. "Don't worry, dude," he said, looking into my eyes. "I'll take care of you. If you don't want to do anything, just tell me, and I'll stop."

I merely nodded as he pressed his pale lips against mine. I opened my mouth and let his tongue enter. He searched for my own and found it with ease. Soon, we were consumed, our mouths rubbing against each other rhythmically. I opened my eyes slightly to look at him. His were closed. He was completely absorbed in kissing me.

I felt his hands run down my chest, giving my nipples a soft pinch. I groaned as a tingling sensation traveled down my chest into my crotch. In no time, I felt my cock straining against the fabric of my boxers. It was so hard I was almost in pain. He continued his slow assault and slid his hand along the trail of hair beneath my navel. I wrapped my arms around his back, drawing him closer against me.

I felt something stiff just below my balls. I knew in a heartbeat that he was getting into it just as much as I was. I shifted a little, brushing my sack across his bulging head. He groaned and continued moving his hand down. His long, slender fingers disappeared under my waste band, caressing the hair just above my pole. Tenderly, he wrapped his hand around my swollen seven incher.

I inhaled sharply and almost came right there. He lightly stroked my shaft. My body involuntarily began thrusting forward to meet his hand. I knew I was beyond control at that point. Little gasps left him as my body put more pressure against the bulge in his shorts.

I slid off his lap, not wanting to come too quickly, and pushed him against the bed. I looked into his eyes as I straddled him. I bent over and began kissing his chin, moving my way down to his neck and underneath his jaw. Slowly, I moved further, running my tongue across his collar bone. I ran it down between his pecs, kissing him in that shallow valley before taking each of nipples into my mouth one at a time. I nibbled and sucked on each one. He began squirming around on the bed, running his hands through my hair.

I made my way to his belly button and spent a few minutes kissing it and grazing my teeth against it. I grabbed the elastic band of his shorts and boxers in my hand and pulled them down, throwing them on the floor.

I almost wept at the sight that greeted me. His cock was rock hard, nestled in soft, dark blonde hair. It was perfectly tan and cut, without a single trace of a scar. The dark head seemed swollen to capacity and throbbed as my breath drifted over it. A steady stream of pre cum leaked down the length of the shaft.

I brushed the tip of my tongue underneath his sack and watched as it seemed to pull closer to his body. A shiver went through him so intensely that I thought he would leap off the bed. I ran my tongue from beneath his balls all the way to the head, gathering whatever warm liquid had escaped. It was a little salty, but sweet at the same time. I let it rest on my tongue, savoring every drop of it.

Mike was panting heavily with short ragged breaths. I wrapped my lips around his beautiful head and flicked my tongue back and forth across his slit. I heard him cry out, but that was in the back of my mind. I was concentrating only on what was in front of me as I thought of various ways to get the same response out of him.

Slowly, I lowered my head on his shaft, moving my lips back and forth as I descended. Suddenly, I stopped. His head was pressing against the back of my throat, and I still had several more inches to go. I knew I had no choice. I pushed harder, feeling my throat muscles clamp just underneath the ridge of his head. It seemed to swell in my throat if that was possible.

"Oh...God....Erik....uunnhh." His hips began thrusting up and down, meeting my attack. My nose was buried in his hair. The smell was rich, deep, and all consuming. I inhaled though my nose deeply before pulling back, only to plunge down again, my saliva dripping over his hairless balls.

My hands ran up and down his thighs, squeezing the muscles. My fingers worked their way underneath him. I reached behind his balls and felt intense head. Prodding harder I knew I had found his boy pussy. I rubbed my finger along the wetness of his sack before putting it against his hole. I pushed softly, hoping I wasn't hurting him. I met with some resistance. I gave it another try and my finger slid in.

"Oh God Erik I'm cumming!" Erik was moaning deeply. His sphincter muscle clamped down on my finger as I felt his whole body grow rigid. Suddenly, boiling liquid exploded in my throat. I pulled my mouth back a bit, letting the spurts land across my tongue. I wanted to taste him more than anything.

I lost count after seven powerful eruptions, but it kept coming. Mike was writhing on the bed as I struggled to swallow every drop that entered my mouth. I couldn't keep all of it in and it began running down the corners of my mouth. I continued sucking, not letting any of his man juice out of my sight. His cum was full and creamy, with a powerful taste that wasn't unpleasant. I lapped all of it up greedily before letting his softening cock out of my mouth with a popping sound.

I climbed on top of him and kissed him deeply. Our tongues swirled the remnants of his cum. He moaned as he tasted himself. I felt his heart beat slow, but it still pounded powerfully in his chest.

I sighed, forgetting that I had been hard just minutes before. I don't know why I wasn't any longer, but I was content with where I was at. Mike put his arm around me protectively and whispered in my ear. I barely heard him, because I was drifting off to sleep again. I guess I felt safe with him. Before I knew it, I slipped off, the steady rhythm of his heart guiding me into my dreams...