Confusion Rains - Part Three
by ds elliot
The story of two gay high school students discovering each other
All rights reserved. This story may not be distributed on or linked to any other sites including pay sites without the express permission of the author. Copyright 2004.
This story contains descriptions of sexual contact between two young men. This is a story of intimate sexual contact and discovery. If you are not of legal age in your area to read stories of this nature or if you are offended by stories of this nature, please navigate to another site and stop reading now.
I would appreciate your comments, suggestions, and constructive criticisms. You can contact the author at: dselliot28@yahoo.com
and now for Part Three....
Those last few weeks of our freshman year were the most incredible of my life -- more than I'd ever hoped for or even dreamed of. Tyler basically moved in with me -- spending all but two nights in my room. Did we have sex? Hell yes! Lots of sex -- all kinds of sex in every position humanly possible. We couldn't keep our hands off each other it seemed, and all it took was the other's touch to get us started. I don't think I'd ever been happier, and couldn't imagine ever being happier. It seemed at times as if we were making up for lost time -- going at each other three or more times each day. We both seemed completely exhausted when we finally settled down to just sleep. Waking up each morning in a tangle of limbs was so much more than I'd ever considered possible. Feeling his morning erection pressing against me was an instant invitation to sex.
I'm not really certain how I made it through finals. The absolute last thing on my mind was classes. I attended all of them each day, but my first and it seemed only thoughts were of Tyler and how soon we'd be together in my room again. Everything those last few weeks revolved around sex. It was passionate and lustful and exciting and wild. Tyler preferred to bottom -- and that surprised me, but he told me he was content to let me do all the work while he just laid back and enjoyed all the pleasure. I didn't complain. Tyler tended to be rougher and faster when he was inside of me. It wasn't that it wasn't enjoyable, but it always seemed to end too quickly -- and I was always a little tender back there after he pounded away at me for the time it took him to climax.
We did sign up for a biology class together. We both needed to add a science class to meet our basic requirements. We also discussed living arrangements for the coming school year. We talked about how great it would be to actually be roommates. Tyler told me he would look into what it would take to get us assigned to the same room. Since he was attending school on an athletic scholarship he had been living in one of the 'jock' dorms. He wasn't sure if he could move to another or not since the coach had arranged for all of the baseball players to have a team member as a roommate. Tyler told me it was to help build the team mentality and create bonds off the field as well as on. I had no reason to doubt him so left this matter to him. I'd have lived anywhere to have Ty for my roommate and to continue our fantastic sex life.
Summer wasn't as much fun as I hoped it would be for us. We were both back home and working summer jobs. Tyler was at the factory where his dad worked, but Tyler was working in the shipping department swing shift. He didn't work directly with his dad, but he saw him everyday at work on breaks or in the normal course of business. I got a job as a teller in a local bank. Since I was the new guy, I worked Tuesday though Saturday. I went to work at 9:00 each morning and was usually off at 6:00 in the evening. Our scheduled didn't match very well. We did manage to go for hikes every Sunday. We hiked to a private place where we could spend our time having sex. Occasionally Tyler would come to my place after work, and I would sneak him into my room, While any time together was better than no time, the sex at my parents home was not as much fun because we both were constantly concerned about waking them. It seemed that having great sex quietly just wasn't something we were capable of doing. When I could I would go to the factory during Ty's meal break. We would sneak off to find a secluded spot for a bit of oral sex in the car. My car was a sports car, and we both had fairly long legs so finding a comfortable position wasn't the easiest thing, but it was time together and worth the effort.
By the start of August we were both anxious to get back to school. We were both tired of the mind-numbing jobs we had, but more importantly we were most anxious just to have a place of our own to have sex whenever we wanted. Tyler informed me that he would have to stay in the 'jock' dorm so we wouldn't be roommates. I decided to get a single room so at least we wouldn't have the roommate issue to keep us from having some fun. It would cost me more, but it was certainly worth the cost to me. Ty seemed very happy when I told him my plan.
Tyler left for school two weeks before I did. He had to attend a sports conditioning clinic at the college for the coming year despite the fact that baseball wasn't played until the spring. At his level of play and the division our school was in, it seemed all student athletes were required to participate. By the time I finally got to school and settled in my room, Tyler had acclimated himself to college life again while I was still adjusting. I called Tyler as soon as I arrived. He helped me take my things to my room, but before we unpacked anything we were both too overcome with desire and lust to not have sex. I arrived around noon, and it was dinner time before either of us considered dressing. I think we only dressed because we needed food to replenish our energy levels. I arrived on Saturday. Our classes didn't start until Wednesday. Tyler and I spent as much of that time connected in one way or another. The only really major disappointment during this period was the fact that Tyler felt he needed to hide his homosexual relationship from everyone but me. He believed that even the slightest suspicion that he was gay would jeopardize his position on the team and thus his scholarship. He felt he couldn't take that risk. I strongly agreed with him. Though I didn't like it, I understood that Tyler needed to keep up the appearance of being straight. Part of that sham was that he would date women one night of the weekend -- Friday. I really hated that idea, but he insisted that it would just be to keep up appearances -- that he would go to a movie or party or just hang our with here and do no more than kiss her good night. It was a compromise I didn't like, but believed necessary for Tyler to keep his spot of the team as well as make his life easier around a group of straight jocks. Even I realized that he'd be hassled to no end if he wasn't at least trying to date women. I could tolerate it and resolved to do so.
Classes started and our routines quickly formed. I didn't see Tyler every night, but we did spend at least one week night together and always Saturday night into Sunday. We had our biology class four days a week plus a two-hour lab each week. We were lab partners so that made it a little easier. We used the excuse of studying together to enjoy an afternoon of sex whenever we could, but Tyler seemed to be constantly busy with something most afternoons. We didn't really socialize with the same people so rarely saw each other when we weren't together. I suppose the conflict started for me when I realized that I actually wanted more than just a sex partner. Sure we talked before, during, and after sex -- but those conversations were usually specifically related to the sex. We didn't usually have meals together or do many other things. Our interests were different. Tyler enjoyed being around jocks, but I really didn't. I could only take the boasting and bullshit for so long before I started to wonder if they really had any other thoughts aside from their sport or getting laid.
Talking with Ty about my concerns and desire to move our relationship along always brought the same sentiments from him. He told me over and over again how he wished we could just live together and be a normal couple. He wanted to hold hands and kiss in public and all of those things, but he had to keep up the appearance of being straight so he wouldn't be ostracized from the team. He told me how much he needed me and cared about me. He told me how much I excited him -- how he just couldn't keep his hands off me. He said such wonderful things. I really did love him. I decided that whatever sacrifice we had to make to maintain our relationship until it could move to the next level would be worth the pain and frustration. I decided that we could do this together.
Ty and I had been making plans to get away for a weekend -- well actually just Saturday and Sunday. I booked a room at an ocean side hotel about an hour from campus -- far enough away that we wouldn't see anyone we knew. We were going to have two days completely to ourselves. We talked about the time away and both were excited for the day to arrived. The morning we were supposed to leave I walked up to Ty's room to let him know I had the car downstairs and was packed and ready. When I got to his room it was clear that he had woken up just seconds before I arrived. He let me into the room. I sat in his desk chair as he apologized for oversleeping. His door was still partially open as he gathered his things to head to the communal shower. Before he got out the door someone on his floor poked his head in the room saying,
"Hey Ty... Was that Sandy you had in here last night? Damn that bitch is loud. You really had her hitting the high notes last night. Usually when you're pokin' her I can block out the noise with a pillow over my head, but not last night."
"Brian... I've got company. I don't think he wants to hear your bullshit." Ty said while blushing a deep red.
"No Brian... It's ok. I'd really like to hear about my buddy's exploits. He's always complaining that he doesn't get any." I replied.
"Doesn't get any? Ty is the man. He's always got some chick waiting for a ride on his dick. The chicks are all over him man. If he ain't getting enough it's because there aren't enough hours in the day. A couple times he's done two in one night. He's an animal."
"Brian, get lost. No one wants to hear that shit." Ty said as he eased Brian out the door and closed it behind him.
I got up from the chair and stood at the window staring out into nothing. I felt weak and faint. It seemed like I'd been hit in the gut. I couldn't get any air. I couldn't get a clear thought. My mind just kept replaying Brian's words over and over again. I wanted to run out of the room, but I couldn't get that message from my brain to my legs. I wanted to yell at Tyler, but I couldn't seem to form the words or find my voice. I really didn't want to cry, but I could feel the tears running down my face. Ty rested his hand on my shoulder.
"You lied to me." I said flatly.
"Brian is just full of shit. You know how all the jocks exaggerate. It's all just bullshit."
"And you're going to keep lying to me."
"I never lied to you. I told you I was going out with women."
"Yes you did. You told me you were going to movies, parties, hanging out. You even told me you kissed them good night. You just left out all the rest. I can't believe you. I'm sure you thought I'd never find out. I have to go."
"Brandon, lets talk about this. I can explain. It isn't what it looks like. It doesn't mean anything."
"I'm sure I don't mean anything either. If I did you wouldn't have done this. You wouldn't have lied to me. I trusted you. I believed you."
I left the room. The tears were still running down my face. I wiped them away with the back of my hand, but that didn't slow the flow. Strangely I wasn't crying, but the tears still fell. I didn't pass anyone in his dorm as I was leaving. I was glad about that. I didn't want to encounter anyone. I got into my car and drove off. I really didn't think about where I was until I realized that I'd pulled into the parking lot of the hotel where I'd reserved a room for the night. I checked my face in the mirror. I'd looked better, but I really didn't care. I registered and paid for the room then took my things inside the room and collapsed on the bed. I just stared at the ceiling for hours trying to figure it all out. Confusion was raining down on me all over again. I thought I had figured all of that shit out. I thought it was behind me, but here I was in this dense fog of confusion. I think I asked myself all of the typical questions... 'Where did I go wrong?' 'Why didn't I see this coming?' 'How didn't I see this?' 'What did I do wrong?' 'Should I have done something differently?' "Was this my fault?' 'Why wasn't I enough for him?' 'Why did he lie to me?' 'Was he always fucking some girl?' 'How could I have been so stupid as to trust him -- to believe him?' 'What else did he lie about?' 'Why me Lord?' 'What did I do to deserve this?' 'Why am I being punished?' 'Why wasn't I enough for him?' 'Why didn't he love me?' 'What's wrong with me?' 'Did I do something to make him do this?' 'Didn't I give him enough in our relationship?' 'What more could I have done?'
Questions and self-doubt. I hated what he did to me. I hated the fact that he'd lied to me. I hated being cheated on. It brought back all of those same old feelings of not belonging and being inadequate. I cried more, slept some, and continued to wallow in self-pity and self-doubt. I wanted to die. It seemed like the only way to end the pain. My heart was broken -- not just broken in two but shattered, smashed, crushed, and stomped on. I didn't leave the room that night and only got off the bed once to use the bathroom. I didn't even remove my clothes. I slept and replayed Brian's words over and over in my head until I thought I had gone crazy. I checked out of the room at the last possible moment. I started to drive back to campus, but I couldn't go back yet. I stopped in a rest area along the highway. While I was still wallowing in self-pity, I was starting to ask myself how long I really suspected something might be wrong. I continued to examine our relationship from our first sexual encounter. I started to realize that I had made too many concessions. The relationship I thought Tyler and I had was really nothing more than a sexual relationship primarily revolving around his needs and wants and limitations. Around midnight I came to the conclusion that I wanted too desperately to be in loving relationship with Tyler that I really didn't pay any attention to the reality of the situation. I slept in my car until the sunrise woke me Monday morning. I drove back to campus.
Once I showered and dressed I headed to breakfast. I hadn't eaten since breakfast Saturday morning before I went to Tyler's room. Back in my room I made an early appointment to see my college therapist. I hadn't talked with him since just before finals spring quarter of my freshman year. I needed his help to sort all of this out. I needed perspective and support. We talked for two straight hours that morning -- well, I talked mostly while he listened to me ramble on. I would have talked more, but he had other appointments. I did go back that afternoon for a second session. My therapist was helping me gain some perspective. He did assure me that I wasn't going crazy, but rather was just in need of time to allow my broken heart to heal and to put it behind me.
I ate dinner alone then went back to my room. I slept the rest of the evening -- crying occasionally, but more importantly I think coming to the conclusion that I obviously wanted Tyler more than he wanted me -- that I was in love with him while he didn't feel the same way about me. At some point too I realized that life would go on despite this setback. I believed my therapist when he told me that more than anything I needed to continue on with school and my routine.
Classes Tuesday were simply places I went. I don't think I really heard a word that was said in any of them. I was dreading biology because I shared that class with Tyler, and this would be the first time I would see him. As it turns out he didn't come to class that day. I think I was relieved in some respect, but also very disappointed in another. Somewhere in my fantasies I guess I hoped he'd have come to his senses and beg me to take him back -- of course doing all of this on bended knee and in front of the whole class. I saw the therapist again that afternoon.
I did see Tyler the next day in class. We didn't speak to each other. The lab session the next day was polite at best. Tyler wasn't the best student, but the reason was simply because he didn't put in much effort if he wasn't motivated. During the lab Tyler did talk to me. He said,
"Are you ok? I mean I guess you're pretty pissed at me over all of this. I tried to call you Saturday afternoon, but you didn't answer your phone. I didn't see you Monday in biology class so figured you were pretty upset. I'm really sorry about all of that. I didn't mean for you to find out."
"Yea Tyler, I figured you preferred to keep it a secret -- and continue with the best of both worlds. Am I pissed? That doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I just don't understand how you could lie to me. I never expected you would be anything but honest."
"I didn't know how to tell you or what to say."
"Telling me the truth would have been a good start. We had talked about your dates not two weeks before. You told me that nothing was going on besides some hand holding, hugging, and a kiss. That was a direct lie. You should have just told me the truth. I might not have liked hearing it, but at least I couldn't say that you lied and betrayed me. I could have made the choice to either continue or stop what we were doing with all the facts, but instead I feel like you tricked me into doing things that I probably wouldn't have done if I'd known."
"Just because I spent some time with someone else doesn't mean that I done care about you. Besides all of this with you was just getting a little to heavy. It was more than I wanted. You were thinking of me as your boyfriend or something. Sometimes it felt like we were married. I'm not ready for that. Maybe I just got scared or felt too much pressure."
"Then Ty, you should have told me what you thought and felt. Don't try to blame your bullshit on me. I never asked you for a commitment. You implied and more than suggested that we were together. You told me the women were just a cover because you weren't ready to come out yet. What you did was wrong. We have an assignment to complete in here today. I don't want to talk about this now. It isn't the place. If you want to talk later then we can do that, but this lab isn't the place for this conversation."
We started the experiment -- or rather I started it while Ty wandered around the lab visiting with our classmates. He eventually came back to our table and helped to finish the work. Usually we would get together to write up our notes and results as well as complete a questionnaire about the experiment, but I didn't want to spend time with him doing that. If we spent time alone together it would only be to discuss what happened. I knew he didn't really want to do that so when class ended I left.
I wrote up the experiment results from the afternoon and made a second copy for Tyler. I knew that he likely wouldn't do it, and our lab grade was based on both our contributions. He didn't call that evening -- no surprise there. I dropped his copy of the work on his desk at the next class. He didn't even acknowledge me or thank me.
Saturday morning I was working on some of my assignments when Tyler came to my room. I asked,
"What do you want?"
"Brandon, can't we just talk?"
"Tyler there really isn't a whole lot to talk about."
"I can't believe you're still pissed at me. That just proves that you were way more into this 'relationship' than me. I wouldn't have been pissed if I found out you were with someone else -- guy or girl."
"This isn't about me Ty. This is about you. You lied. There really isn't anything more to it than that."
"I'm sorry." He said as he moved closer to my chair and started to kneed my shoulders and massage my neck.
"Ty, I know you're sorry, but the problem is that you are sorry you got caught. You aren't sorry that you lied to me -- that you hurt me."
"Can't we just forget about this and start over?" He said as he continued to kneed my shoulders and slid his hands over my pecs.
"Ty, please stop. I don't see how I could just forget this happened. I expected more from you. It isn't like I didn't tell you how I felt about you and about us. I don't deny that I saw you as my boyfriend, but you never complained about that when you were getting your rocks off. It never scared you so much that you couldn't get hard. It didn't stop you from kissing me. It didn't stop you from telling me that you liked being with me. I didn't think you were at a point where you were in love with me, but I really thought that we were building to that point -- that someday you'd be able to express your feelings for me. I never told you that I only wanted to be another notch on your headboard -- another hole for you to fuck -- another willing mouth to suck your dick. Don't get me wrong, the sex was damn amazing, but I don't have anything to compare it to. You were the first and the only one, Ty. I guess it just wasn't good enough for you or you wouldn't have gone looking for it from someone else. What you did was just so wrong."
"Brandon... The sex was good... hell it was more than good -- it was great! That isn't the reason I went out with someone else. Look, you're gay. I think that is great for you. You want that for yourself. I don't want that for me. You're a really great guy. You really are by best friend. You know everything about me, and you still love me. I think you're the only one who would if everyone knew. You think the guys on the team would want me on the team or in the locker room if they knew what we did? You think I wouldn't be an outcast if the guys in my dorm thought I was a fag? I'm a man, or at least I'm supposed to be Brandon. This whole thing with you really fucks with my head. The thing is... I'm this stud. I'm supposed to like boning some chick -- any chick -- as often as I can. That is what I'm supposed to be. That is what everyone thinks I am. It is what everyone expects me to be. How the fuck am I supposed to rationalize in my own mind that I'd really much rather have your dick drilling my ass? How should I tell my dad or the guys I hang with that I'd rather suck your dick than some girl's tit?"
"Tyler... I understand all of this is difficult for you. I know you have issues with what we were doing. I tried to give you all the space you wanted and needed to deal with those issues. I know you want to keep a straight face for the rest of your world, and I did everything I could think of to help you do that. I didn't get upset when you told me you wanted to date women too. I didn't like the idea. I didn't want to share you with anyone, but I knew you wanted that so I agreed. I didn't set limits on your interaction with women. You set those limitations. You told me what you'd do with them. I believed you. I never went to your room when I was horny or when I just wanted to be with you because I knew that wouldn't be appreciated by you -- that it would be difficult for you even with the door to your room closed and locked. I've been very aware of your insecurity over what we've been doing, but that doesn't give you the right to lie."
"So you're saying that if I told you I was gonna have sex with women you'd have been fine with that?"
"No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that you didn't give me a choice. I think you lied to me so you could have sex with the women you dated and with me. You knew I wouldn't like the idea so you didn't tell me. I should have been able to decide. I feel like you used me -- like you took advantage of me."
"Do you think I wanted to lie? I didn't want to -- not to you, but what choice did I have? If I have told you then you would have stopped seeing me. That isn't what I wanted. I still want to see you. I want things to go back to the way they were. Why does this have to be such a big fucking deal? We're just talking about sex here. It isn't like someone is being murdered or even hurt."
"Tyler, it's a big deal because it wasn't just sex for me. To me it was sharing a very personal and intimate part of me. I wanted to know you way before you even knew I existed. I wanted you more than ever once I got to know you. I never thought it would ever happen -- that we'd actually have sex and share those sensations and feelings. It was more than sex to me. It was an expression of a deep personal connection. To me it felt like love. There isn't anything that I wouldn't have done for you. When you first came to my room last spring, you were open and honest. I was the same way with you. Would I have stopped having sex with you if I'd known? Probably I would have. I would rather you told me that I was just your boy-toy or your cum dump or your... whatever... than to not be told the truth. I got hurt Tyler. Learning about your activities when I'm not around makes me wonder about all the other things I probably don't know about you and what you do. For all I know there's another guy you've got hidden away just waiting for you to do him too. I feel like I don't really know you at all. I don't always approve of the things you do or agree with your ideas, but I have always respected you for them because you were open and honest about them. You didn't trust me with this little bit of knowledge because you were worried you'd get cut off. Well guess what Ty... you're cut off!"
"Brandon... don't be like this. Every time I know I'm coming over here, it's all I can think about. I get a hard on during the walk over because I know I'm gonna be seeing you. I am so aroused by you that sometimes I think I might cum just watching you undress. I'm hard now.... See..."
"Stop rubbing your dick on my arm. You aren't going to distract me. I love you Tyler. The only thing I won't do for you is allow you to fuck me up more than I already am. If I continued to have sex with you on your terms -- where you get to fuck anyone else you want to along the way -- then all of this becomes my fault. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to get to the point where I actually liked myself. I wouldn't have any self-respect left if I allowed you to use me like that knowing how I feel about you. If you get to the point where I could be enough for you then we should talk again, but as it stands now this just doesn't work for me."
I wrote the name of my college therapist along with the phone number on a piece of paper and handed it to Tyler, I encouraged him to call the guy. I told him it would all be confidential -- no one would ever know what he discussed with him. I told him that the doctor could help him figure out what he really wanted, Tyler was pouting as he sat on my bed. He had his head in his hands. He took the piece of paper I gave him and sighed...
"So you really want to put a stop to what we had? I can't believe you want to just throw that away. We were so good together."
"Ty... I'm not throwing anything away. I'm telling you that I just can't live with the way it is now. I don't expect you to love me, but I do expect you to be honest with me. I care very much about you. What you are doing isn't right for you. You need some help to get it all straightened out. You need to figure it out now. If you don't, you will end up married to a woman and likely have children and a guy on the side. How much heart ache will you suffer when one or both of them find out about the other? Don't put yourself through that or your potential family. Don't be fucked up your whole life. Figure out what you really want."
I moved to sit next to Ty on the bed. I put my arm around his shoulders in a show of support and friendship. Tyler decided my attempted show of support for him was a sexual overture. He pushed me back on the bed as he pressed his body against mine. His had immediately went to my crotch and began massaging my dick. I can't deny that I was aroused by his actions, but I wasn't going to let this happen. We were fairly evenly matched from a strength point so I was able to push him off me. We struggled a bit -- more wrestling than fighting. I was confident in my ability to withstand any attack if Tyler became more physical. It didn't. Ty rolled over on this back and signed again...
"Can't we just do it once more Brandon? You've got me so worked up. I need to bust a nut."
"Call your woman -- the one who screams when you fuck her."
"Why do you have to be like this? I want to be with you. Why the fuck isn't that enough?"
"Because I want more than that. I don't just want to be someone you fuck. I want a relationship with you. I love you, and I love myself. I didn't for a long time you know. I hated who and what I was, but I have learned to accept it. I'm proud of myself now. I couldn't be proud of myself if I just let you use me for your own pleasure. I wouldn't be any more than a whore."
"So that's it then? You can't really love me if you can't love me the way I am. If you really loved me you wouldn't throw this away."
"Don't play head games with me Ty. I don't need you trying to make me feel guilty because you weren't being honest with me. It isn't my fault. We can still be friends, or at least I will try to be your friend if you want that. We can still work out together if you want and do things friends do, but we won't have sex under the current circumstances."
"You expect me to just come here to talk and do shit and not want to have sex? That seems pretty unreasonable to me."
"Tyler, it is the best I can offer right now. I do love you. I want nothing more than to be in a healthy sexual relationship with you, but this isn't healthy for me. If you don't want that kind of relationship with me, that's fine. I want that. If you aren't the one then I need to keep looking for a guy that I can love who is capable of loving me back. I'm just not the type of guy that sleeps around. I'm different than you in that respect. Sex means something to me. It is more than just fucking and sucking. It is the emotional connection that is shared -- the passion and trust and joy and love. I need those things in my life."
"I don't think I can just be your friend. I can't just turn off my desires like you can."
"I'll be here if you need me. It won't be easy for either of us. I'm just as attracted to you, but I'm going to control those urges. You can do that too if you really want to. Talk with the doctor, Ty. I know he can help you decide what you really want."
With that Tyler left my room. I hoped and prayed on some level that he would come back into my room and profess his undying love for me, but that didn't happen. I had never wanted someone so much as I wanted him. I spent the rest of the day questioning my decision to stop sex between us. The sex was good -- it was better than good -- it was great! I did love him, but I had to be true to myself. If I didn't do what I knew was right for me, I knew it would star all of those self-destructive things all over again -- hiding, cutting myself off from the world, self-loathing, insecurities ruling my choices and existence. If Tyler didn't want to be friends, then I would have to learn to live with it. I understood how difficult it would be. I'd been through that before with him. It hurt a lot the last time I lived through it so I knew what to expect. I wasn't even sure if I could be his friend. I knew I would resent it if he continued to fuck around -- and I knew it would be even worse if he found another guy to fuck. In some perverse way I was happy that he cheated on me with a woman and not another guy. The sad reality was that I only knew about the woman. Perhaps there was another guy out there he was also fucking around with. I clutched the pillow to my chest and just stayed on the bed curled up in a fetal position as I tried to block out the hurt and disappointment.
I didn't see Ty very often around campus. I wanted to go see him at his dorm, but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't trust myself. I knew it would hurt to be rejected by him. I knew it would hurt even more if he saw it as a break in my will. I didn't want to be his sex toy. There were times when I was so lonely and missed him so much that I knew I would likely throw myself at his feet and beg to be used by him. I couldn't let that happen. I'm sure my therapist got very tired hearing about Tyler. I cried and whined and bitched and moaned about the injustice of it all. During all those sessions the doctor kept urging me to move on. I did try to date -- attending meetings of one of the gay groups on campus gave me access to other gay men. I did go out with some of them, but it was always only one date. I suppose I was too maudlin to be worth another evening -- none of them seemed that desperate for companionship.
During winter quarter I was asked by an art/photography major to pose for his senior project. I was flattered to be asked, but really wasn't interested when he first asked. He didn't give up though, and I'm glad that he didn't. He convinced me to look at some of the photographers he admired and considered his mentors. I looked at the work and listened to his proposal. The photos would all be black and white. I would be nude. The photos would be a artistic and not at all pornographic. I would never have an erection in any of the pictures or be posed in a sexual position, but he did want to capture what he said was my great body and muscle structure and my natural sensuality and sexuality. I was tempted and finally agreed.
The photographs were taken over a period of four days. He had arranged for three different locations. I helped him with the lights and photo equipment and the few props he wanted to use. Most of the time the sessions lasted four hours -- with much of that time spent arranging lighting and props. I was fascinated with all of the details as he created the illusions or settings he wanted for the photos. The first day once everything was in place he told me to strip so he could get me in the position he wanted. As I stripped -- putting my clothes in a pile on the floor -- I asked if he was gay. He told me he wasn't. He asked me if I was. I told him that I was -- and no more was really said about it. He helped me pose as he wanted -- arching my back, arranging my limps, positioning my stance -- to get he angle he wanted for the shot. He touched every part of my body, but his touch was completely non-sexual in nature. I can't say that I wasn't worried about those times he touched my dick and balls as he arranged them to get the angle he wanted. I did get hard the first time he touched me in that area. I nervously laughed about it, but he was professional and basically ignored my erection as we made small talk while we waited for the erection to subside.
He, Martin, showed me the pictures when all were developed. I was amazed at the artistic quality of the pictures. In many my face wasn't an obvious part of the shot. Each though was very sensual and some very sexual. He showed me the fifteen pictures he would be using for his final project. I couldn't object to his selections. They were wonderful. I was extremely proud to be a part of the project. He offered to frame some for me if I wanted to pay for the frames and matting. I told him that I really did want some of them. I selected twenty from the hundred-plus photos he'd taken -- some the same he was using for his project and others that I liked. When he had them framed it was near the middle of spring quarter.
I picked up my framed photos from Martin just prior to my appointment with my therapist. Martin invited me to come to the opening of his show. I asked what he was talking about. He told me that ten senior art majors were showing their senior projects at the campus gallery. He was showing the fifteen photographs that he originally showed me. It never occurred to me that the photos were be shown to anyone beyond his instructors or maybe one or two to the class. I had no idea that he would be showing his work and my body to the entire campus. He told me that several critics and community members would also becoming to the show as well. The show ran for two weeks. The photos I'd paid to have framed were in two large boxes. I was startled to have two large boxes because the prints I saw were all small -- none any larger than 5X7. The photos were now very large -- huge in comparison to what I'd first seen. I loaded the boxes in my car and headed to my therapy appointment. I sat in the parking lot looking through the first box of photographs. I picked one to take in with me. Before we really started our session I showed the picture to my doctor. He praised the photography. He compared the work to several famous photographers. I was proud once again. My embarrassment began to fade as he discussed the finer points of the work and not me. We talked about the show. He encouraged me to attend. He thought it would be good for me to hear that others really looked at the quality of the work and not just the person in the work.
I did go to the opening. It was actually much more fun than I expected. Many people admired and praised the young photographer. Martin and his work were really the center of attention at the opening. Each of the artists gave a short speech near the midpoint of the evening that detailed their work. Martin introduced me to the crowd. I was nervous at first -- a little embarrassed, but the round of applause I received did wonders for my ego and self-confidence. I did meet a man at the opening. He was also an artist displaying his work at the show. We had a few dates before the quarter ended, but since he was a senior there wasn't much hope that anything would happen beyond those initial dates despite the fact that he was really fun to be around. We did eventually have sex. It was the first time since Tyler -- and my second partner. I suppose it is human nature to compare partners. I recall thinking that Tyler did this or that better or that Tyler's body was much more erotic. I guess the best part of the sex Ray and I enjoyed was that it signaled to me that I was finally willing to move on and put Tyler where he seemed to want to be, which was not in my life.
Finals week would be a bit of a bitch for me that spring. I had three finals in two days -- two on Tuesday and one on Wednesday morning. I felt I was ready for them, but would rather have had more time between them. I woke up early Monday to review for the first two finals. I was nearly finished with the review for the first class when someone knocked on my door. I opened it to find Tyler standing there. I said somewhat shocked,
"What are you doing here?"
"Nice way to greet someone you love."
"Tyler, I'm sorry for that. I'm just surprised is all. I haven't talked to you since fall quarter. I really didn't think you'd talk with me again."
"I came to ask a favor. I was hoping I could get a ride home from you. My dad's having truck problems and can't get it fixed until his next payday. That is nearly two weeks away so I need a ride home. I know it is kinda last minute, and I understand if you don't want to do that. I just didn't know who else to ask."
"Sure I can give you a ride home -- no problem. My parents are coming on Wednesday to haul the big stuff home so if you have things you want to send along that won't fit in my car we can send the stuff with them. When is your last final?"
"My last one is Friday morning. When is your last one?"
"My last one is Wednesday morning."
"So you've made plans to leave on Wednesday then. It's cool. I can always take the bus home."
"I don't mind hanging around for a couple of days. That's what friends are for."
"I don't believe you. I've treated you like shit this past year, and you'll still do me a favor. If it had been the other way around, I probably would have slammed the door in your face."
"Ty... I don't like what you did. I don't like the fact that we haven't talked at all since the problem, but my feelings toward you haven't changed. I still care very much about you. I'm still your friend -- even if you aren't ready for me to be yours."
"So you still love me?"
"Yes."
"I love you too. Hey... I saw your pictures at the gallery. They were pretty hot. Everybody was talking about them. They were discussed in this art history class I was taking. We had to see the exhibit. I couldn't believe it was you in those pictures. The girls in the class were drooling all over them, and some of the guys were too. It kinda pissed me off at first. One of the guys on my floor is in the class. He recognized you. When the girls found that out they pleaded with me to get your phone number. I told them not to get excited because you were already taken. I figured you didn't want a hord of horny girls camped out at your door and trying to get into your bed."
"Well, you could have given my number to the cute guys in your class. I'm always looking for someone to date."
"Are you dating someone? I mean I guess it isn't my business, but well... are you?"
"I was seeing a guy named Ray, but he's a senior so that really isn't going anywhere since he won't be back here next year and doesn't live close to me."
"So how was the sex with Roy?"
"His name is Ray. It was good. I don't have a lot to compare it too -- in fact I only have you to compare it to. It was different."
"Different better or different worse?"
"I don't know Ty... It was just different. I don't have as much experience as you do. It just felt different -- not as comfortable as it was with you, but then you and I did it many more times than Ray and I did. Maybe it was uncomfortable with you at first too. I just don't remember that part of it."
"You make me sound like a slut. I haven't had that much more experience than you. I mean you're the only guy..."
"That's nice to know. I feel a little better about that. I always wondered."
"So you wanna grab lunch? I've got a final at 3:00 so if you want to eat we could do that."
At lunch Tyler wanted to talk about the photos and the photo sessions. I told him all the details that I could recall -- including getting an erection. He wanted to know if the photographer was gay. I told him that Martin was straight and married. A couple of guys from his dorm joined us as we were finishing lunch. One of the guys kept looking at me and finally said that he recognized me from somewhere. Tyler told them that I was the guy who posed naked for the pictures in the art show. That embarrassed me, but it seemed that a light went on for this guy when Tyler mentioned the show. He told me the pictures were great. I thanked him trying to find a way to change the topic of conversation.
Monday evening I was finishing my class review while sitting at my desk. It was a hot day and still hadn't cooled off much. I had taken a shower after dinner to cool down and wash the sweat away. I was sitting on my chair in my boxers when there was a knock at the door. It was after 9:00. I figured it was Tyler coming to talk so yelled that the door was open and to come in. A guy walked in that I didn't recognize. He closed the door and introduced himself as Tyler's roommate, Mark. I asked him to have a seat -- the only option being the bed. As he sat down I apologized for not being dressed and started to rummage around for clothes to put on. He told me not to worry about getting dressed just for him -- that living in a jock dorm he was use to guys running around in boxers or less. I sat back in my chair. I asked,
"Mark, what brings you here? Is something wrong with Tyler?"
"This is just a friendly visit. I really hope you won't tell Tyler that I stopped by. He doesn't know that I'm here or even know who you are. I'd really like to keep it that way. There isn't anything critically wrong with Tyler, but I really would like to talk with you about him. Will you swear not to tell him about this conversation?"
"Sure. I won't say a word. I'm surprised though. It all seems like a huge mystery unfolding here. What's up?"
"I'm gonna trust you, and I hope my trust isn't misplaced here. I've been Ty's roommate for the last two years. We're both on the baseball team and both here on scholarships. I need mine just as much as Ty needs his. Without the scholarships neither of us get the chance to go to college. I'm gay. You are the fourth person I've told. I have a lover who lives off campus. I guess that's one of the reasons why we've never met. Tyler is really struggling this year. I'm fairly sure he's gay, but I don't think he's admitted it to himself or anyone else. I checked you out earlier this year. I know you are gay too. Ty never told me that you were. I don't know if you are out or not, but I want you to know that Tyler didn't out you if you aren't. I don't know what happened last fall between you two, but whatever it was really sent Tyler into a tailspin. I think he is in love with you. I think he knows that, but I don't think he knows how to handle it. I know you live alone, but you probably know that roommates talk. It isn't what Tyler has said about you that makes me think he's in love with you. It is the way he talks about you. I think if he had a straight roommate he'd have been outed by now. I'm more sympathetic I guess because I've been where he's at now. It isn't a great place to be. There have been many times when I've wanted to tell him that I really knew what he was going through, but that would be outing myself. I couldn't take that chance. All sports teams tend to be more homophobic than any other organization around. If Tyler is in denial or pissed for whatever reason he could tell the coach or our teammates and I'd be driven off the team."
"Mark... this is a surprise. Tyler never told me anything about his roommate. I didn't know Tyler was gay. I didn't know he was struggling. To be honest I hadn't talked with him since last fall until earlier today. We didn't discuss much other than that he needs a ride home once finals are over."
"He got notice last quarter from the dean's office letting him know that his grades needed to improve to maintain his scholarship. I don't know if he has worked any harder this quarter or not. I honestly don't see him studying as much as I see him just staring off into space. When he does talk about what is troubling him, it always comes back to talking about you. He considers you his best friend. He misses you. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. What happened between you two?"
"Tyler lied to me about something I considered very important. I couldn't forgive the lie. I told Tyler we were still friends, but that he needed to be honest with me. I didn't like being told one thing only to find out that it wasn't true. Tyler didn't feel that he'd done anything wrong. I told him that I would always be here if he needed me, but he hasn't been back since we talked last fall."
"Tyler can be a jerk sometimes, and he can be really stupid. I don't know what he lied about, but I'm gonna guess that it had something to do with fucking around with some of the pathetic bimbos he manages to find. This one, Sadie or Sandy or something, is a regular with him. She's a real piece of work. She's the kind of girl you don't bring home to momma or even take out to dinner. She's the kind you just bring home to fuck. Tyler was the talk of the dorm one Sunday when I got back to the room. I asked him what it was all about. At first he started bragging about his sexual prowess and skill, but after a while he told me that she just really didn't do much for him. He said that he could fuck on her for hours without cumming -- like he couldn't feel anything in his dick. He told me that most of the time he just hammered away at her until he got tired and never did get off. That's one of the reasons I think he's gay and having trouble coming to terms with it. I mean... if he was straight he'd surely get off or find another bimbo, but he doesn't."
"Tyler and I have never really discussed the intimate details of his love life. You already know more about it than I do. I really don't know what to say."
"Do you know his old man?"
"I met him when Tyler and I were in high school, but I really haven't talked with him at all. Why?"
"His dad really seems to hate women -- a real redneck asshole. I mean he's straight and all, but he just really seems to be pissed at women in general. I've only been around him a few times, but in those few times he just seems to have nothing good to say about any woman he's ever met -- including Tyler's mom. He sees women as things to fuck and nothing more. I think Tyler is doing the same thing in some respects. I don't think Tyler is straight, but he seems to have the same disrespect for women that his old man has. When I asked Tyler about that he told me that his dad was always bitter towards his mom when she left them. Ty told me that his dad never had anything decent to say about her and went out of his way to demean her, call her names -- usually 'that cunt', and tell Tyler not to trust women. His dad really fucked with his head growing up. Tyler told me that his dad was real strict too. Tyler got more than a few beatings when he was growing up. He told me that he even got one last summer. His old man came home drunk and pissed about something, pulled the covers off Tyler while he slept, and got in three or four solid strikes with his belt before Tyler got away from him. His old man doesn't have a very high opinion of gays either. While he was in our room after one of our games I don't think I've ever heard the words fag, homo, cocksucker, and ass-licker used more times. I finally left because I couldn't take listening to his rednecked bullshit anymore. I told Tyler the best thing he could do was get the hell out of that place. I think he wants to do that, but just doesn't have any other options for right now."
"I guess Tyler and I need to talk about a lot of things -- if he will talk to me about any of them..."
"You really are the only bright spot in his life. I like the guy. He really does have a big heart, and he does work hard -- at least on the ball field. I know he means well, but he is so confused. He's never said it directly, but you are the best thing that's ever happened to him. Look, I'd probably really hate it if someone butted into my life like I'm doing here, but I don't know what else to do. Tyler is a friend. He's a valuable part of our team. You are the one person he really cares about -- the one person he loves. I just don't want so see him throw it all away because he was afraid of something that is out of his control. Spend some time with him. See what you can do. Maybe he will open up to you. Try to put the lies he's told behind you. I know he regrets his lies. He's told me that it was all his fault. I also know that he's seen the doctor you recommended at least a couple of times. He told me you thought he needed a shrink so he went to a few sessions and maybe more. He doesn't talk about them, but at least he tried. Do what you can to help him."
"Thanks Mark! I think Tyler and I both owe you a lot for doing this. I hope that I can help him. More than anything he is a good friend. He helped me through a lot of my difficult times. The least I can do is be there for him."
Mark left. All I could think about was a few of the things he said... Ty loves me; Ty respects me; Ty was sorry for what he did. I forgave him a long time ago, but maybe Ty didn't know that. We clearly had a lot to talk about, but I had no idea where to start. I decided to call my therapist before my first final to make an appointment for Thursday. I was hoping the doctor could give me some suggestions. I needed a starting point. I needed his insight and help.
and that brings me to the end of Part Three...
I do hope you've enjoyed reading this story. Please share your comments and constructive criticisms with me at: dselliot28@yahoo.com
Please try another of my stories at Nifty in the 'College' section. The title: "College Life" was last posted on May 1.
Thanks for reading my submissions!
Peace and Love.
ds elliot