Copyright 2010 by the author thobyandover@y7mail.com
www.costumedsuperheroes.blogspot.com
COSTUMED SUPERHEROES #7
Captain Von Heckle squinted through his glinting monocle and pursed his evil lips. With his leather riding-crop under one arm, he reached with the other to a rope pulley. He drew slowly on the thick twine. Wood creaked. The machine of old, sweat-stained Taiwanese Teak was large enough to fill most of the floor-space in the room, and its three sets of ropes and pulleys extended to crude windlasses at the extremities of the stone dungeon. Near the centre, three revolving platters were set upon bearings of antique wood, hewn from the rainforests of Taiwan in the seventeen-hundreds. As the rope moved through its heavy conveyors, one platter squeaked and rotated.
"Still working. Still an effective device," he intoned slowly, evilly. "Not used since 1799 when King Apichart punished the son of his most senior general, Boon-Me-Nam, for congressing with the King's daughter, Princess Chao-Fah, after Royal Soup!"
A wooden-shuttered door flew open and a breathless underling entered.
"What is the meaning of this interruption?!" the Captain snapped, turning to face the wretched minion.
"Captain Von Heckle, Sir..." the wrinkle-faced crook uttered, before his eyes widened at the sight of the dark, Taiwanese wood, the strange network of ropes and pulleys, and the three raised platters arranged in a line. With a gulp, he looked in horror at the devilishly-designed apparatus.
"Well, man?! What is it?! Spit it out I say!" said the Captain.
"Captain, Sir! We've just received a message from Whipper an' Trusty Joe on the two-way-radio mobile phone! They've captured Kid Buck!"
"Whaat?!!!"
"They've captured Kid Buck, Sir! They're on their way here now!"
Von Heckle's eyes narrowed with wicked intent, and a repulsive smile drew itself on his thick face.
"Kid... Buck..." he said thoughtfully. And then after a pause; "Prepare the display-cage."
"Y, yessir!" the quivering minion said as he departed.
Captain Von Heckle laid his riding-crop across his leather-gloved hand. He turned again to face two other occupants of the room. Indistinguishable from each other and clad only in loincloths, a pair of slim young Thai boys stood side by side, expressionless.
"Wasan! Wasi! Oil the machine!... And oil yourselves! Soon, my pretties, you will be presented with a subject for your remarkable skills!"
Unhurried and still without expression, the twins left the room, leaving Von Heckle to himself and his antique contraption.
"Excellent!... Eeeeeeexcellent!" he said as he sensuously fingered the rope. "Superhero sidekick Kid Buck -- now you are mine!"
***** Dear reader, this is not good. It may be prudent at this juncture -- as another chapter of the Superheroes opens -- to issue a warning. The following account will contain depictions of a most explicit nature. Hardened followers of the crook-catching crusaders -- get ready!!! *****
COSTUMED SUPERHEROES #6!!!
***** Special author's note: Because no disrespect is intended toward the Thai culture of Taiwan, historical aspects of that country's history used in this story are completely true, and taken from the history books! *****
"Yes, yes. Do come in, Nocturnal Intruder," said Mayor Vilkinsword. "I've been expecting you."
"Thank you Mayor," the massive Intruder said as he ducked his head past the oak doorframe and entered the book-lined office. His mighty boots made the polished floorboards creak and his bright, chromium codpiece shone under the light from the old-fashioned green desk-lamp."
"I've been looking forward to this meeting. Crime in Century City is a rising tide. Cigar?"
A box was offered. The Intruder noticed the fine nail polish the Mayor wore, and the cultured, graceful hands.
"Yes. Thank you, Ma'am."
"I have these shipped from Japan. That's where the finest cigars are made, of course."
"Yes, of course."
"Nothing else seems to satisfy my urge for a good cloud of smoke. One of my weaknesses I'm afraid. You'll have to forgive my breaking the no-smoking indoors rule, extent in all council buildings. Here, take a seat." Mayor Vilkinsword flicked a silver lighter shaped like a large penis. A long flame erupted from the eye.
"You'll have to forgive the rather vulgar tastes of the gift-giving clergy. Bishop Cartwright brought it back from Rome. When he saw it in the Vatican souvenir-shop, he said he couldn't resist. It's taken from a mould of Valerio Rigodo, one of the major porn-stars over there. Good Catholic boy, of course. Schooled by the Brothers of Saint Darren...
"Mayor, should we get down to business?"
"Yes, of course. By the way, where's Kid Buck?"
"Oh, he's following along behind. He won't be long. Look. I can track him on my mobile phone." The Nocturnal Intruder reached for one of the pouches on his leather harness and retrieved his advanced communications device. "The Don of Doom invented a very small GPS, disguised as a cock-ring. It's pierced through the head."
"Nice," said the Mayor.
"That's odd," the Intruder said as he peered at the phone's screen, puzzled. "According to this, Kid Buck is heading away. A long way away."
"Well, surely he's chasing a crook," suggested Mayor Vilkinsword.
"Yes. That's bound to be the case." Nocturnal Intruder snapped his phone shut and replaced in its pouch at his gigantic chest.
***** At this juncture it would be prudent to acquaint the reader with one of Century City's outer destinations. Quagmire-Downs Hamlet is a picturesque little settlement, not yet engulfed by the sprawl of the Century suburbs. Established in the 1830s by prospectors eager for the profits of the local shit-bogs which supplied a Victorian-era Century City's methane market, it was eventually bypassed by the main railhead when natural-gas reserves replaced sewerage and effluent-derived fuel for the city's gas-candles. Now, it is a tourist-spot, inhabited by jam-sellers and financially driven by a few boutique turd-mines still supplying old-timers and good-ol'-boys who refuse to convert their corrugated-iron shanties to the new technologies. You see, Quagmire-Downs lies atop the main sewerage vein driven underground from the centre of Century City. Little wonder, then, that visitors are welcomed with the signpost: "Welcome to Quagmire-Downs Hamlet -- Shit-farming capital of the Century Provinces."
Furthermore:
Five miles from this charming village, there lies a certain disused methane-farm -- one of many around Quagmire-Downs -- with uprising belch-stacks like silent fingers pointing to the sky, and clay-brick ovens, their gaping mouths no longer fed with the effluent and bum-eggs of a city's population. Abandoned stool-wagons lie hither, their wheels broken. Dear reader, here is to where a metropolis's craps came to generate methane-power. If Sir Walter Hobbe coiled off a bristling length of fudge into his water-closet, it came here. Similarly, old Gaspard the shoe-tinker may have laid a cable in his outdoor dunny-can while reading his Daily. It also ended at this industrious place, bobbing alongside Sir Hobbe's gruff-nut. Aristocracy and pauper -- rich and poor -- rabbit-tods and rusty water -- hard, constipated butt-nuggets and brown arse-slush -- there were no distinctions nor class barriers. And it was very advanced technology for the time! If Mrs. Clegg took five minutes from her busy schedule to pinch off a tortoise-head... anyway, look. Why are we visiting this deserted place? Ah yes! That's right! A white van has pulled up to the gates of the out-of-the-way methane-farm! Observe! *****
Kid Buck lay hog-tied in the rear, on his front, on the metal surface. His wrists and ankles were handcuffed together behind him and he "mmmfed" angrily into a rag shoved into his mouth. His tight, narrow rump-cheeks clenched hard around the twisted cord of Speedo as he struggled.
"Nearly there, Kid-Buckeroo!" said Whipper, turning from the front seat. "Ha! Ha! Capt'n Von Heckle's waitin' ter see ya! Ahhh ha ha!"
"Mmmf! Mmmf!" went the superhero Kid. His head turned and a fiercely angry glint shone from behind his stick-on eye-mask. His yellow cape was wrapped around his neck.
"Say, Whipper," said Trusty Joe. "Sure is clever of Captain Von Heckle to base his operations at this `ol shit-farm! Nobody ever comes near here to find his torture dungeon."
"Except it stinks!" Joe said.
"That's why nobody comes here," replied Whipper.
The vehicle halted, and the tressed-up Kid was carried by the two evil-doing felons to an open mine-shaft. Joe wrapped the cape about his hand and Whipper grasped the rearward component of the superhero's Speedo, pulling it hard and tight.
"Ooof! This superhero shore is a heavy spunk-boy!"
With wrenching and straining and some struggling and wriggling from the captured superhero, Kid Buck was hoisted on a small mechanical crane, slung by chains at his cape and Speedo. He swayed over the mine-shaft, dangling, facing down into the dark lair, with his arms and legs folded behind him.
"Get ready, below! Lowerin' away!" shouted Trusty Joe into the hole.
Clinking and clanking, the chain ran through its runners, dropping its live, wiggling load into the blackness. The rough, stone walls of the shaft disappeared below, and a breeze of cool but foul-smelling air came upwards. Down and down, the suspended, swaying sidekick was lowered, his neck stretched backwards by his tied-off cape, and his tortured Speedo at breaking-point, knotted and elongated on its chain-hook and pulling hard with every jerk and bounce.
Finally, there was dim light. The Kid came to rest on a stone floor, front down and with a pair of incredibly glossy black boots inches from his nose. He twisted his head sideways to see upwards, the rag propping his mouth wide open.
"Aha!" said a thick, guttural voice. "The famous, do-gooding Kid Buck! Well, young Master Buck - welcome to my secret torture dungeon!!!"
"Where the fuck is Buck!?" Nocturnal Intruder asked angrily at Superheroes Headquarters.
"Wasn't he with you?" said Titan Man.
"He was supposed to follow me to the Mayor's office. I've got no idea where he's got to!"
"Why don't you check his whereabouts on the miniature GPS in his cock?"
"I've already tried that," the Intruder said, exasperated. "But it appears to be out of range!"
"Hmmmmmmm..." said the Titan, a massive, gauntleted hand to his chin.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." said Teen Ranger.
"Any ideas, Teen Ranger? You're his buddy. Where's he got to?" Titan Man asked.
"Yes," said Nocturnal Intruder. "He's supposed to be grounded. If you incorrigible teenaged sidekicks have cooked-up some ridiculous scheme and he's off somewhere at a video-game parlour, I'll whip both your backsides!"
"Perhaps he's been captured by Von Captain Heckle," said the Teen. "And he's tied-up in a secret underground chamber..."
"Oh do try to be sensible, Teen Ranger!" Titan Man said. But Nocturnal Intruder looked concerned. In fact, he felt a small sensation of disquiet.
"Turn him over!" Von Heckle ordered, and Kid Buck was roughly inverted, kneeling, his wrists and ankles locked under him at his back and his knees spread wide.
Von Heckle's monocle glinted, and a very large hunting knife gleamed in the low, electric light. The yellow cape was sawn from its silver-soldered chain, leaving a small, fluttering rag of silk. The knife's point was drawn -- slowly -- down the prickling skin of the Kid's rounded breast muscle -- across the inked blue-and-yellow "KB" logo. He stared ferociously into the pudgy eyes of Von Heckle and tried to grunt as he felt its sharp point twiddle his small, brown nipple which formed the dot between the "K" and the "B." It traced lower, and tingled the miniature dog-tags at his ring-pierced belly-button.
"A colourfully and attractively adorned superhero!" Von Heckle sneered. "And a handsome one!"
"Mmmf!!!" said the Kid.
The silver knife flashed and was inserted under his Speedo brief at the hip. Ultra-sharp, it parted the nylon and a fine, meaty cock flopped forward, its shiny ring silver and bright in the dim light.
"Mmmmfff!!!"
"I believe, young Kid Buck," Von Heckle said. "That you are no longer costumed -- and not anymore a superhero, particularly! I see your Nocturnal Intruder friend has had you be-jewelled through the head of your rather obvious appendage! A nice touch. But not useful to you here, I'm afraid."
Now, the Captain's riding-crop swizzled in the Kid's mop of yellow-and-blue hair. "Certainly, a fine young fellow. A worthy guest of my commodious facilities!"
The leather flap of the crop stroked the puffed cheeks, it brushed down the surface of a rippling stomach, into the pelvis, and lifted the hefty meat-schlong, testing its weight, bouncing it, and allowing it to flop sideways to a straining thigh.
"Ludwig! Strip away his eye-mask!"
The little black masked was ripped away, and two brown eyes glared violently.
"Why, Captain!" said one of the crooks. "You've just unmasked Kid Buck!"
"Yes, of course I have, you dolt!"
"He looks just the same as when he had the mask on!" another crook observed.
"You fool!" the Captain snapped. "Century City superheroes are not backgrounded with secret identities! It's immaterial!"
"Why not?" asked another. "Aren't all superheroes supposed to have..."
"SILENCE!!!"
The riding crop was smacked with a sharp crack onto the Captain's breeches.
"Get the pliers! Cut away the neck-chain!" (snip). "Cut off those things in his navel!" (snip). "And snip off that penis ring!... No wait! Leave it! It's a convenient place for a dog-leash! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!! Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!"
The evil villain giggled and chortled.
"Take him to the display-cage!"
Excerpt from the City Hub News -- twenty-four hours later:
KID BUCK CAPTURED!!!
SUPERHERO TAKEN IN UNKNOWN CIRCUMSTANCES!!!
By-line: Clarence Charmichael.
It can now be conformed that earlier speculation that Century City superhero KID BUCK was a prisoner of a criminal mastermind is true!!! The Speedo-wearing, law-enforcing crook-catcher and member of the COSTUMED SUPERHEROES is hostage to a CRIMINAL GANG in an unknown location!!! The daring, dashing superhero youth was captured yesterday, somehow, and information is scarce!
However, the offices of this newspaper have received undisputable evidence that the courageous KID BUCK is now a captive, unbelievable as it may sound!!! A grimy, stained envelope was delivered, containing a sliced pair of blue, slinky Speedo-briefs!!! This is now the second broken example of a Speedo plucked from the smooth, trim waist of the superhero Kid to make its way to the desk of a reporter -- to be sniffed furtively when no one else is looking!!! The envelope also contained a FIENDISH note in glued-on, haphazard font! It said: "IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR KID BUCK, HE IS NOW IN THE HANDS OF CAPTAIN VON HECKLE!!! AND HE WON'T BE RETURNED UNLESS ALL OF CENTURY CITY BENDS TO MY DEMANDS!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
Mayor Vilkinsword was asked for comment. "This is undeniably an occasion of great concern for all citizens of Century City," she said. "We all hope for the Kid Buck's safe return, and the Superheroes, myself, and the Police Department are all working to get him back. Speaking personally, I've had Kid Buck in my office many times, his tight ass practically bouncing on the polished surface of my oak desk, his fabulous abs flexing like rows of billiard-balls in a bag, and his bulging front-pack sagging deliciously. As we are all aware, Kid Buck continued to win the Mayor's Prize for Thighs year after year -- where the most graceful and lithesome legs were paraded and tested by me personally, and I felt those hard bands of muscle as I slid my hands up and down over that warm, soft skin, judging them, considering them, tickling them..."
And we'll have to stop you there, Mrs. Mayor.
Being captured is considered among the most well-known traditions of superheroes everywhere, particularly among sidekicks. Professor Edel Gold of Century City University was asked to explain:
"The captured sidekick is considered, in narrative terms, to represent the damsel in distress,' if you will, who must be rescued in a modern transformation of the mythological tradition. It is also said to introduce a form of underlying but titillating bondage' to a sequential series of events, which may or may not be depicted in literature, television, or film -- or, in this case, real-life itself. The evil villain, of course, symbolises our own, inner dark-side, who wishes to be titillated, and who personally inflicts the oppressive control -- perhaps with torture, perhaps with nipple-clamps squeezed tightly, or perhaps with hot, dripping candle-wax, dripped right onto the sidekick's cock-head. We, the audience, share in the horror, the fascination, but also the sinful delight in hearing the howls of pain..."
Yeah. Sure, Professor.
The other superheroes are said to be distraught.
NOCTURNAL INTRUDER slapped the newspaper to the table angrily.
"Damn!!!" he hissed icily. "I've myself to blame for this! Completely!"
"Ease yourself, Intruder," said TITAN MAN. "It wasn't your fault!"
"What do you mean it wasn't my fault?!" Nocturnal Intruder's pain was palpable. "It was me who recruited Kid Buck to the superhero business! It was me who made him follow along behind the Vehicle Intruder instead of riding with me!" The mighty Intruder held his head in his hands
"How were you to know?" Titan Man said.
Presently, the Intruder lifted a half-hooded but obviously sorrowful face. "Where's Teen Ranger?"
"He's coming along shortly. The Don of Doom is fitting him with a GPS."
"Good!" said the Intruder with some force and a mighty thump of his fist on the table. "We cannot allow any more sidekicks to fall into the clutches of Von Heckle! Why! When I think of that villainous wretch...!!!" his face now screwed in anger. "How's the Ranger taking the news?"
"Terribly. He's beside himself. Here he comes now."
Both massive superheroes turned to face the purple-suited sidekick in the doorway. The Teen's face was a picture of misery and anger.
"It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not..."
"Easy, Ranger. We know."
"But Kid Buck gets to be in the news again! And Kid Buck gets captured by the evilous villain and I don't! And Kid Buck is probably tied-up in the villainous lair! And Kid Buck had his ass whipped just the other day! And I'm the one who has to stay here and polish rubber! And it's not fair! And when am I going to get captured? Huh? And why won't a evil villain mastermind catch me in a mastermind plan and make me the hostage of a villainous evil villain!?"
Nocturnal Intruder's phone beeped. "Take it easy, boy. We know it's hard," he said as he reached for his advanced communications device.
"Yes? Nocturnal Intruder here."
"Ah. Mayor Vilkinsword."
"Yes. It's tough, but we're formulating a plan."
"Yes?"
"Yes. The Kid would appreciate your concern."
"Yes. He does have a fine, bouncy ass."
"What? Yes. His pectorals are firmly-formed and upstanding... and not too prominent like a big muscle-man... and yes, like round little melons... and yes, Mrs. Mayor. I'm aware of the fine shape of Kid Buck's handsome thighs..."
"It's just not fair!" Teen Ranger pouted, banging the table with his white, latex glove.
"Where's your GPS, boy?" Titan Man asked.
"In my nipple! And even that hurt! And I wanted to be captured by Von Captain Heckle! Instead of having my nipple pierced by the Don! Oh yeah!" Teen Ranger continued in a whiny, sing-song voice. "I'm Kid Buck! And I've got my cock pierced with my superhero GPS! And I've been captured! And everyone's paying attention to me! And I've been in the news twice! And Nocturnal Intruder whips my ass! And..."
"Shh!" said Nocturnal Intruder. "Yes, Mrs. Mayor. What was that?"
"A call? To police headquarters? Patched through to you?"
"You're patching it through here? Okay. Fine."
"Hello? What? Yes. This is the Superheroes."
"What? Who's this?"
"What? Two what? Two college-jocks?"
"What? Cody Swingpop?"
"And what? Mathew Cack? Yes, yes! You're two college-jocks! Go on!"
"What? Who was awoken with the sharp buzz of their alarm clock...?"
"........... "
"So you checked yourself out in the bathroom mirror? Wait! Who is the one with the swimmer's bod?... Right!... So your buddy is the one with the 8" cock. Right."
".... And then what? Wait a minute. Who's this Coach Evans?"
"Right."
"Right."
"Right."
"Yes. Okay. Right. So this Coach Evans humiliated you by the pool with some kind of bet."
"............ The bet was what? You had to swim naked with your cock dangling in the water..."
"Ahh! Right! So this was last week! And your buddies... what?"
"Yes. I see."
"Yes. Thanks for the call."
"Yes... Yes... Yes. I see. Yes. Thanks. Yes. Okay then. Yes. Thanks. Goodbye."
Nocturnal Intruder snapped his phone shut.
"Gentlemen," he said to the silently expectant Titan Man and Teen Ranger. "We have two witnesses to the capture of Kid Buck!"
"Aha!" said Captain Von Heckle, striding into the stone-walled, electric-lit room, swishing his riding-crop with sharp `swooshes' through the air. "I see you are now somewhat acquainted with my display-cage!"
"You'll pay for your villainy, Von Heckle! There's no doubt about that!" said the Kid Buck, for indeed, he was now familiar with the cage. He stood outstretched on his toes, spreadeagled widely behind the silver bars, secured by ankles and wrists. His ribs and overlapping bands of flank-muscles were outlined beneath his skin, and his belly sucked in and out. Limbs extended to the fullest, his thighs were strained to take his weight on his toes -- and between, his silver-ringed meat dangled in a forward-going arch.
"Ah!" chortled the Captain. "Unfortunately, the universe -- this one, at least -- is not nearly so justice-prone as you would wish. For you see, the evil mastermind is freely swishing his riding-crop and gloating, while the poor young superhero -- the essence of all that is good and wholesome -- is confined behind bars! And my men here have no intention of making you comfortable. My only regret is that your ridiculous companion, Teen Ranger, is not here with you!"
"Why, you rotten fiend!" said Kid Buck. "Don't you mention Teen Ranger's name! He's worth a hundred crooks like you!"
"So it may be, my young Kid Buck. So it may be. Our discussions could very well carry on in this vein for quite some time, but I have a desire to hear you make other utterances."
"Why, you...!!!" The Kid's brow furrowed inwards with anger.
"Yak! Yak!" one of the grinning crooks laughed. "I canna' believe we caught the Kid fuckin' Buck! It's a fuckin' beauty! Lookee at im! We nailed im fellers!" There was a small flurry of congratulatory high-fives and back-slaps as the happy gang celebrated their catch. A hand reached through the front of the cage and went up a toned, inner thigh. It quickly felt into the rear crack and then rudely handled the suspended balls. The Kid struggled in his bonds.
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"My men are looking forward to accommodating you here," said Von Heckle. "But you haven't quite been introduced to all my subordinates!"
He turned and snapped his fingers.
"Wasi! Wasan!"
The twins ran on their toes into the room with short steps, and stood side-by-side. Their brown, slim bodies gleamed with a high gloss. Kid Buck's eyes widened.
"...oh..." he breathed to himself.
A drawstring bag made from a tanned bull's scrotum swung in the Captain's hand. It held something heavy. Meanwhile, Kid Buck's brown eyes were on the twins, bright with surprise. His pendulous member twitched -- straightened -- and rose.
"Haw! Haw! Haw!" the crooks guffawed. "Lookee at the Kid Buck! He's so happy to be here!"
The Captain drew from the bag a device of black iron and hefted it in his hand. It was about the size of two men's fists, one atop the other, and comprised ornate loops and rings, and small padlocks. "Wang Soc!" he said as he held it toward the twins. One ran forward to collect it, and they moved to the cage.
A slide-bolt clanked and the Thai boys entered. Inside the cage, they moved slickly and gracefully, and Kid Buck felt the warmth from their smooth, glistening skin. His cock bowed upwards and back, and flattened hard into his belly.
"...Ah..." he said as the slippery, oiled hands were upon him.
A small finger was inserted into the GPS ring, then it tugged down. Sharply.
"...Ah...!... Ah!...Ah!!!... Ah!!!"
"You will have to be made soft before the Wang Soc can be applied," said the Captain. "Difficult, I know..."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!" the Kid cried loudly as his wang was wrenched against its upward naturalness. "FUCK!"
An iron ring was shuttered into place about the base of his scrotum and shaft. A small padlock snapped shut. Oily, dexterous hands worked quickly. A rigid band of metal and more rings rattled as the device's purpose became clear. "Aaaah!!! No!!!"
"You are now being fitted with `Wang Soc,' the Captain explained. "Once it is applied, you won't get it off. This particular example was forged in Ming-Dynasty Upper-Mongolia by the hill-tribes there."
"...Ugh!... Fuck it!..."
"Patience, my superhero Buck. It was known as the `Special Disappointment,' and it works slowly."
The spreadeagled prisoner's organ was now encaged in a heavy lacework of metal. He looked down and flicked his hips frantically, making the small padlocks clatter. His egg-shaped balls hung from underneath and swung with his desperate movements.
"You are unable to complete an erection," said the Captain. And indeed, this was true. The Kid's blue-veined flesh was swelling inside its locked enclosure, and as it lurched upwards, the structure of the strange, cage-like device lifted his testicles from behind and put impossible pressure on these most vital parts.
"...Aaaaaaaargh!!!...Fuck!!!..."
"In time," continued Von Heckle. "The `Special Disappointment becomes a thing of utmost despair for its wearer. Especially for a vital young wearer in prime condition!"
"...Oh!... Fuck!... Von Heckle!... You Bastard!..."
"Devices of similar design can be found on the Inter-Net. There are, for example, plastic versions used by sports coaches..."
Kid Buck grunted as the heavy, ornately-decorated and ancient thing swung from his male-organ. Inside it, his purple flesh rose and strained -- and lowered in abject frustration. The end of it was embellished with the iron-forged head of a dragon shedding tears.
"Our website, www.costumedsuperheroes.blogspot.com,' is completely inundated with traffic," the Don of Doom said. "The bandwidth of www.costumedsuperheroes.blogspot.com' is stretched to breaking point. I'm not sure whether any other crisis has stimulated such a response. Of course, there's the usual sordid messages from unsavoury quarters, not worthy of mention. But even that's increased, straining our servers." The Don of Doom hunched over a glowing computer-monitor in Superhero Headquarters.
"We're not worried about `www.costumedsuperheroes.blogspot.com' right now," said Nocturnal Intruder. "The website is the least of our worries. We've just received vital information from two college-jocks about Kid Buck!"
"But my special page was just about to go up on www.costumedsuperheroes.blogspot.com!" Teen Ranger wailed. "With pictures of me! And how I busted the gang of video-game pirates!"
"Teen Ranger! Take a break, will you!?" Titan Man growled. "Kid Buck's everyone's concern now!"
"Oh fuck Kid Buck!" The flouncing Teen sulked, kicking the table-leg.
"Shush! Listen!" Nocturnal Intruder impatiently snapped. "The college-jocks were able to note-down the licence-plate number of the vehicle with which the Buck was captured. We've run that number through the central database connecting the Century City news services with www.costumedsuperheroes.blogspot.com. Darken the lights, professor! Everybody, look!"
A special, highly advanced presentation was projected onto a screen.
*** "CITY HUB NEWS (Twelve months previous) By-line: Clarence Charmichael
MUSEUM HEIST BAFFLES CITY DETECTIVES!
INEXPLICABLE ROBBERY FOILS SECURITY, POLICE, SUPERHEROES!
The CENTURY CITY MUSEUM of EROTIC TORTURE was ROBBED last night of some of its most SIGNIFICANT EXHIBITS!!! The POLICE and the COSTUMED SUPERHEROES have been UNABLE to determine the IDENTITY of who the thieves WERE!!! The CULTURED CIRCLES of Century City's TOP 400 citizens is said to be DISTRAUGHT at the loss!!!
Said Museum Curator Doctor Tristram Tickletouch; "This is a dreadful deficit. Century City's contribution to the preservation of culture and history has been irreparably damaged! Unless the valuable artefacts can be returned!" ***
"I remember this!" said Lady Lassoo. "No one ever found out who robbed the Century City Museum of Erotic Torture!"
"The only museum of its kind in the land," said Electro Man.
"Keep reading," said Nocturnal Intruder. All eyes returned to the screen.
*** "Among the stolen relics was a priceless, Ming-Dynasty, Upper-Mongolian cocklock, the only known example recovered from the ancient, Hill-Tribe civilizations. Also, a set of 1970s Electro-Stim devices -- highly advanced for the time -- still complete and still in its original foam and slide-box cardboard-packing with pictures of wild-eyed female models with fluffy, Farah Fawcett hair and turtle-neck sweaters, as if the only thing they wanted for Christmas was a vibrating Electro-Stim and not a hard, pumping cock from a real man and a tit-jiggling good time!" ***
"Hmmmm..." said Electro Man.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmm..." said Lady Lassoo.
*** "But most notably of all," continued the City Hub News on the screen. "There is missing the Museum's centrepiece of historical erotic torture -- a sixteenth-century Taiwanese dancing-rack, stolen from its Perspex security enclosure, its motion-sensing alarm-system disabled! Hordes of visiting schoolchildren to the Museum will now be tragically disappointed not to be able to activate the antique dancing-rack with Doctor Tickletouch's newly installed interactive and educational system of motor-driven pulleys. `Horace,' the flexible dancing mannequin with universal-jointed knees and waist was left sprawled in the otherwise empty display case. Nine-year-old Trixie Jones was one of the disheartened schoolchildren to arrive at the Museum today -- only to find crime-scene tape and broken glass in place of the antique Taiwanese dancing-rack!
"We were supposed to be doing a project on erotic Oriental tortures," said Trixie, in pigtails and with a Justin Bieber lunchbox. "And Miss Winterbottom had given us a question-and-answer sheet all about the dancing-rack! It's fucked!"
The antique Taiwanese dancing-rack was commissioned by King Apichart of the Middle-Dynasty for the amusements of his Royal Court, and made its way to Century City in 1921 when respected anthropologist Sir Wendel Smallwood..." ***
"Just what is the point of all this?" asked Titan Man.
"The point is," said Nocturnal Intruder. "The only clue to that crime one year ago was a sighting of a vehicle at the scene -- and a licence-plate number!"
"A licence plate-number? You don't say...!?"
"Yes! The same licence-plate number that was seen in the Kid Buck kidnapping!"
"Von Heckle!" exclaimed Electro Man.
"It makes sense!" said Titan Man, slapping a fist into an open palm. "The Mongolian cocklock! The 1970s Vibra-Stim collection! The antique Taiwanese dancing-rack! And Kid Buck!"
"Right now," intoned Nocturnal Intruder. "Von Heckle could be shackling the Kid's genitals into the cocklock -- tingulating him with Vibra-Stim technology -- and tying his testicles to the dancing-rack!"
"Oh golly!" said Teen Ranger. He quickly adjusted his Speedo.
***** It may be prudent at this juncture to leave-off from the tribulations and focus of the main part of the Superheroes, for surely the reader has heard enough of the torture of Kid Buck, and there will be plenty of that left over for the next episode. And no doubt it will be documented in full at www.costumedsuperheroes.blogspot.com. Consider now a delicate and intimate interaction between two lesser-known superheroes. Read on! *****
"This is a Wifi spot!" said SPARKY. "I can feel my fingers tingling. Quick. Get out your Inter-Net computer and download the latest hits from pop-sensation Justin Bieber!"
"Fantastic!" said GOGO GIRL. The two young superheroes sat close together on the steps of MacBeachBallBurger, peering intently at GoGo Girl's pink laptop as a data-intensive musical feast spiralled from the airwaves into the wireless-enabled machine.
"GoGo Girl," said Sparky as they waited for the little line to go across. "It's been so strange lately with the Superheroes. This business of Kid Buck being captured has everyone on edge. Electro Man's been acting funny."
"He's bound to be worried, Sparky. It might have been you who was captured."
"No. I mean he's been acting funny funny. You know?"
"GoGo Girl sighed. "I think I know what you mean. Lady Lassoo's been all kind of... weird."
"What do you think could be going on?"
"I don't know, Sparky."
There was a pause. Then Sparky said; "I've always looked up to Kid Buck. But he spends so much time with Teen Ranger. And Teen Ranger can be so... oh I don't know..."
"He's so annoying!" said GoGo Girl.
"Yes!"
There was another pause.
"GoGo Girl?"
"What, Sparky?"
"I've never told anyone this before, but..."
"What?"
"I think I might be into... girls"
"Oh, Sparky!"
The two consent-aged super-kids met each other with their eyes.
Dear reader! The Costumed Superheroes Club of Century City has broken controversial new ground again! A heterosexual superhero! Is that was this is about? As Sparky -- in his shiny green hotpants and vest -- and GoGo Girl -- in her red, thong-backed one-piece -- stare sickeningly at each other on the steps of MacBeachBallBurger, it is time to think about whether the series has jumped-shark,' as it were. Is Sparky the Scrappy-Doo' of the Costumed Superheroes? The `Cousin Oliver?' We hope the producers get back to the traditional sexual tensions of Teen Ranger and Kid Buck soon! We hope!
thobyandover@y7mail.com
www.costumedsuperheroes.blogspot.com