DISCLAIMER: The following story is FICTIONAL. It contains descriptions of sexual activities between teenage boys, as well as between a teenage boy and girl. If you are not over 18 years of age, or if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is illegal where you are, then please DON'T READ IT! If you choose to read it, then please enjoy.
Part of this is based upon actual events in my life but also upon dreams I have had of how I guess I wanted my life to be. I may also take moments from things that have happened to friends of mine. or even maybe bits from movies and TV shows, so if you see something you recognise then you are prolly right and I took it from there. I'm a slow writer but I will try and write a chapter once a week. Please enjoy.
People's names will be changed to keep their identities a secret.
The Courage To Be Me!
Chapter 2
"I can't!"
I started to head for the bedroom door. I was so ashamed, I wanted this but I couldn't do it. I was in some guy's house making a complete fool of myself, he wanted me and I wanted him, but I just couldn't do it. I was so scared of what was going to happen and the fear had such a hold on me I couldn't fight it. I had to get out of there before I embarrassed myself any more. As I reached the door Joseph was on his feet and walking towards me.
"Charlie, wait! What's wrong?" he asked, placing his hand on my shoulder and gripping it tight, stopping me from walking out the door.
"Joseph... I'm sorry... I can't do this... please, just let me go." I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I kept my gaze on the wall in front wishing he would let go and I could slip out into the cold night and not be seen again.
"Charlie, how old are you?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" I turned to look at him.
"Well, you look young, I figured this was your first time. It's ok to be a little nervous." He rested his other hand on my other shoulder and I was now facing him looking him straight in the eyes.
Do I tell him that, yes, this was my first time and how nervous I was, or do I lie and pretend that I had done it before and it was no big deal? I didn't really want to leave. I studied his eyes for a second, I don't know what I was hoping to find there. I finally found the words and they flowed without a second thought.
"I'm 19, and this isn't my first time, I've done it loads of times!" What was I doing? I should have just told him the truth, he's never going to fall for that!
"Oh really!... 19 huh?" his hands dropped from my shoulders and he turned to walk back across the room to his bed. "Lots of guys too, huh?"
"Well, I'll be 19 soon... in a few months." Did I really think he was going to buy this story? But still I kept it going, "Yes, I've had lots of guys!"
"Come on, we both know that's not true," he sat on the bed looking at me, but smiling. I wanted to tell him.
I opened my mouth and screamed at him:
"Ok! so I'm 15, I'm scared shitless, it was my first time going to a gay club, let alone going home with a guy, so, yes, you're right, this is my first time!!"
Only when I had finished screaming, I realized my mouth wasn't open, he hadn't heard a thing, I was screaming inside and he was still looking at me waiting for my answer.
"I'm 17..." I finally said.
His eyebrow twitched, he still didn't look like he beleieved me.
"Ok, I'm 16." I looked at the floor and kicked the imaginary ball, You know that ball you always kick when you don't want to look someone in the eye?
"Charlie, is this what you really want?"
I crossed the room, now standing in front of him, "What do you mean?"
"Well, you left the club wanting this, right? You knew what was going to happen?"
"Of course, I knew what was going to happen!"
"So what's wrong then?"
"Nothing!"
"So you do want this?" Joseph stood up, put his hands on my hips, and with a little tug he pulled me close to him; he smiled and leaned in to kiss me again.
"Wait!"
"Thought as much... Charlie, I get the feeling this isn't want you want?"
"It is... It was..." I pulled away from him.
"Was?"
"When I left home tonight I wanted this, but right now I'm not so sure."
"First time, right?"
"Yes." I turned my face away from his, I felt so embarrassed.
"And you're not 16 are you?"
"No... I'm 15."
"Ok, same age I was when I first did it, so I understand how you feel, but maybe you should wait for a while till you really feel ready."
"But how will I know when I feel ready?"
"Charlie, you'll know."
"Maybe if you gave me some time and took it slow, I might feel better later?"
" I don't think that's going to work do you? And a minute ago you wanted to leave, what's changed?"
"Nothing I guess. Fine! I'll go!" I turned and headed towards his door.
"Charlie, you don't have to go!"
"Why? you dont want me here any longer."
"That's not true, look, stay for a while. Let's get a drink and we can talk," he passed me and went downstairs with me hot on his heels.
"You dont want to fuck me, so why hang around?!"
"Is that all that matters with you, getting laid?" he walked into the kitchen.
I followed, stood in the doorway leaning against the door post, "No, not really, just I came out tonight to change, and now I haven't!"
"What do you mean change?" he filled the kettle and flicked the switch.
"From a boy to a man!"
"And how the hell do you do that?" he pulled a cup out of the cupboard then turned to me. " Do you want one?"
"By losing it!" I shook my head in response to his question - never was one for hot drinks.
"Losing what?" he had turned back to make his drink, but when I said about losing something he looked back at me rather puzzled.
"My fucking virginity!"
"Oh, and that makes you a man right?"
"Yeah, I won't be a child anymore, everyone at school does it!"
"So they say! Charlie, does it mean that much to you?"
"I guess... I don't want to be a child anymore."
"But who says you're a child?" he poured the hot water into his cup and stirred his coffee.
"My parents, everyone!" I moved from the door way and sat down at the table.
"So, say you get laid tonight, who is going to know that you have done it?" Joseph sat down opposite me.
"I don't know, but I'll know and I'll know that I'm not a child any more." I kept my gaze on the table top.
"Charlie, you're not a child anyway! Look at what you did tonight, do you think a child would have been able to do that?"
"What do you mean? I haven't done anything!"
"You went to a GAY CLUB! that's a big deal, very grown up of you, you left with a guy you didn't know and were heading back to his to get laid!"
"So! I didn't go through with it though, did I? Chickened out like a baby!" I fidgeted on the seat.
"No, you listened to your heart and when it told you that you weren't ready, you stopped, Some say that it's a big step, and if you're not ready then you shouldn't do it. Maybe wait till your 16 and then see how you feel?"
"I'll be 16 in a few months. I don't need to wait"
"What's the rush?"
"Nothing, I just... I want to get it over with!" I looked at him.
"Now you make it sound as if it's something bad, 'get it over with!' You shouldn't feel like that, you should want to do it, want to experience it, not get it over with!"
"But its scary!" His eyes caught mine and I felt there was an understanding in them, and I began to feel a little more relaxed.
"Yes, it is, and if your still scared then you're not ready. Charlie, I really think you should wait, just till when you're with someone, and it feels right."
"Ok, I see what your saying, but how will I know that it's right?"
"Charlie, you're a nice guy, you'll meet someone, things will just happen, but don't rush them, ok?"
"Ok," I paused. "I guess I should get going, I told my parents I was at the movies and, well, the last showing finishes in about 20 minutes, I could get in without them knowing I didn't go."
"Ok." He stood up crossed to the work surface and started writing something down and then he turned back and walk towards me. By this time I was already on my feet, I stood frozen to the spot.
"Here," he slid a piece of paper into my jacket pocket and then kissed my forehead. "Don't rush things, Charlie, just enjoy them."
"Thanks."
I turned and left Joseph standing in his kitchen and I let myself out and took off heading home.