Crazy

'Sup? Just wanted to say Merry Christmas and stuff. Hope you guys and gals don't hunt me down after the psuedo cliffhanger at the end yo. Props go out to all the totally funky authors out there, and even more so to the totally crunk readers who've sent and re-sent awesome comments to me at crazystar@canoemail.com.

As always the legal crap applies. Stay Coo!

Crazy Chapter 6

After getting into Lance's car, things were awfully quiet. I didn't feel like talking, so I just stared out the window. There's just something within me that tries to shut me out from the rest of the world when I'm dealing with a problem. I couldn't be gay, or bi or whatever. I mean, I still liked girls. I still looked at them. I was still attracted to them. But then why was I having pictures of Justin pop into my head? Why was I having these dreams that were insisting that I was different? I didn't feel different did I? No, not really. I just felt this huge void within me. It was as if there was something missing. But I had absolutely no clue what that could possibly be. I hated feeling like this, and I just wish that the problem would solve itself. But that never happens does it?

Lance seemed to know that something was going on. I guess he was just one of those people that were really intuitive. Out of the corner of my eye I would see him open his mouth and then close it again; nothing seemed to come out. Something inside of him was stealing the words that he wanted to say from his lips. He did this a couple of times, and after each time he'd scrunch up his nose and let out this sigh; it was so long that it was obvious he wasn't trying to hide his worry. Finally he spoke.

"Ryan, what's going on?" He pulled me away from the window and the thoughts that had been running ramped throughout my head the last couple of days..

"Huh? What do ya mean Scoop?" I really did not want to talk about this.

"Stop it!" he nearly yelled at me, and suddenly realising that he had yelled at me he recoiled. "I'm sorry, but I'm worried about you. I mean, you've seemed so distant this evening, and, well... I heard you crying before you opened the door. I originally thought that it was coming from another room, but your face was all red when you opened the door; it was kinda obvious. So... umh... what's up?" I looked away. I really didn't want to get into this right now. Hell, I never wanted to get into this. What if he found out what I had been thinking? He'd probably tell the other guys and then I loose three really great friends. Then again, I was able to tell him and Josh about some of the things that had happened. No. Maybe I could just tell him that I didn't want to talk about. I mean, we were starting to become good friends, right? It might just be good enough for him to back off enough thinking that maybe I'll talk about it when I was ready. Although I wasn't going to kid myself into thinking that I'd ever be ready to tell him. Then again, it was a possibility... eventually.

"Lance..." deep breath I really don't want to screw this up and piss him off. "I... uh, would you mind if we didn't talk about it right now. I mean, I'm not ready to talk about it. Yet." Fingers crossed... please?

"Sure Ry. I mean, I'm not going to push you into talking about something that you're not comfortable with, but I want you to know that I am worried about you, and that the second you feel ready to talk about it, I'll be there for you. Ok?" He smiled. I could see in his eyes that this was really bugging him, but there was nothing that I could do about it. I mean, I wasn't about to tell him about everything that had been going on in my head because I knew that I wasn't even sure what it all meant. Maybe it's just from lack of sleep or something and it'll go away tomorrow? Yeah! That's gotta be it. Lack of sleep! I knew this was something that could solve itself!

"Sure, thanks Lance. I totally appreciate the fact that you're worried about me, and I appreciate it even more that you're willing to back off."

"Ryan, if there's one thing you haven't figured out about Josh, Justin and I, it's that we look out for our friends. I know it's kinda crazy to already be considering you a great friend, but there just isn't any other way to put it. Some people were just meant to be friends, and whether you like it or not, you're stuck with us." Woah. What a warm and fizzy feeling inside. I mean, I feel like I'm totally under a nice warm blanket by a fire. I grabbed his shoulder and turned to look him straight into his sparkling green eyes.

"Thank you. You have no idea how good that makes me feel. With all the things that have happened in the last year, I haven't really felt close to anyone, but for the first time in a long while, I do. Thanks to the three of you guys. And you know what? I feel the same way about y'all too!" And with that I started to giggle a little.

"What?"

"Nothing Scoop... it's just that word: y'all. It sounds so funny coming out of my mouth!"

"Huh? What are you on guy?"

"Nothing. I swear Officer!" Now we were both laughing until Lance decided to not be paying enough attention and drive through a red light.

"DUDE!" It was too late, we had already gone through the intersection. Luckily the other cars were paying attention and avoided us. I drew in a quick breath and muttered. "Fuck."

"God, I'm soooo sorry Ryan. I uh..."

"Don't worry about it Scoop, I mean, no one got hit right? We're all ok. In fact I've done that a couple times too. No biggie."

"Sure?"

"Look at my face." I was wearing this big shit-eating grin. "Do I look like I'm lying to you?"

"Uh,... actually.... YES!"

"Well I'm not, so shut up and pay attention to the road!"

"Yes sir!" "Hey! I don't deserve that, I'm only 19!"

"Yeah. well. With giving orders like that you should expect to be called sir!" He started to laugh. I didn't think it was all that funny, until bing!: A light went off in my head.

"Didn't Justin and JC say something about you always ordering everyone around and being a control freak? In fact, I think I remember them saying something about you being worse than a little old la--- mph, mrrr, muuum!" Lance had placed his hand over my mouth as we drove into Justin's driveway.

"Are you ready to behave little blond boy?"

"Mmm Hmmm!" I vigorously shook my head up and down.

"Ok..." He slowly took his hand away, and I waited a few seconds to see in he was going to put it back. When he relaxed I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"LADY!!!!!!!!!!" He jumped. I don't think that Lance thought I could yell that loud. Either that or he wasn't expecting me to say it.

"I'm going to get you." He reached out to mess up my hair, but I sprinted out of the 4Runner and rang the doorbell. As soon as the door opened I squeezed myself inside and shut the door behind me. Not realising who had opened the door, I looked up into the face of a tall, fairly attractive blond woman in her mid-forties. Needless to say, she had this shocked look on her face until JC came bounding(literally) down the stairs into the hallway.

"Oh hey Ryan, this is Lynn. Justin's mom."

"Umh, hi." I stuck out my hand and she accepted it. "I'm sorry about that; it's just that Lance was trying to..." The doorbell starting ringing and ringing and ringing. Justin's mom let go of my hand and opened the door.

"Hello Lance. Nice to see that you've been giving your new friend a work out." Lance started to blush, for some reason unknown to me. Lynn turned back to me, and took my hand again. "Sorry, I'm Lynn. Like Joshua said(JC visibly cringed when she called him Joshua. I'd have to make a mental note never to do that.) I'm Justin's mom, and it's very nice to meet you. Just and this big tall goof were talking about you quite a bit earlier."

"Uh... oh." I looked down at the floor; more specifically my feet. She had a really pleasant tone to her voice, it's just that I always felt uncomfortable in situations where I've just made a huge ass out of myself. Although, I should be used to it by now. It just seems that I keep walking into stuff like that.

"Don't worry Ryan, they were all good things. I'm glad to hear that someone else is just as clumsy as my son can be."

"Mom!" Justin poked his head around the corner and started to whine.

"Hey Just!" It was funny, I could swear that his face lit up when I said his name. Naw... "Just remember you're not the one that tripped over the bench yesterday." Woah, yesterday. It's really hard to believe that I have barely known them all for little more than a day, yet we all just fit together so perfectly. Especially... NO! Out! I commanded the thought out of my head. There was no way I was going to let that crazy thought about Justin earlier creep back into my head. I could control this. I was not going to let it lead my life.

"Hey Ry. Yeah, I guess... I can't believe that it was just yesterday. It seems like it's been forever."

"I was just thinking the same thing." I started to look into his eyes until I realised what I was doing and quickly looked away. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw JC nudge Justin. Then Lance spoke up.

"Just think Justin, if you hadn't met Ryan you'd still be the baby."

"Hey! He's not that much older than me. Only like six months!"

"Yeah whatever..." Lance started to say before Lynn cut him off.

"Are you guys up to supper. I threw a chicken in the oven when I got home." JC almost jumped.

"Sweet!"

"For sure mom, right guys?" Lance just nodded and I was suddenly trapped again.

"Alright, well why don't you guys just hang out in the Living Room for a while and I'll let y'all know when it's ready." "Thanks Mom." With that Lynn walked away and my fate was sealed. For some reason I hated eating at someone else's house. I mean, it was different if it was for a party or something, but if it just kinda happened outta the blue. I hated that. For some reason I just felt totally uncomfortable. I guess it's just some weird thing where I'm equating it to eating the food that the family's supposed to survive on or something. Basically, no matter what I just felt like I was imposing. Either way, this was definitely not the best thing for me right now. But, it looked like I had no choice in the matter, so I followed everyone else into the living room and desperately tried not to squirm around too much. Apparently I had been trying too hard because I didn't even notice that JC was talking to me.

"Hey Ryan??? Hello?"

"Oh, hey... 'sup Josh?"

"Not much, especially not you." I looked around and saw that Justin and Lance were sitting on the big white leather couch playing some sort of video game. Wasn't too sure what it was, but it kinda looked like fun.

"Sorry, I've been a little spaced lately."

"So I've noticed! Anyways, as I was saying, did ya get enough sleep this afternoon?"

"I never get enough sleep. Some of my friends think that I'm verging on becoming a narcoleptic. I mean I really can fall asleep anywhere. I just don't do it in mid-sentence."

"I know how you feel. There are times when we're on tour and I feel like I could sleep for days. I love to sleep."

"Do any of the guys ever make fun of ya because of it?"

"Naw, just good ol Scoop. But he's not really making fun of me either, he's just trying to make sure that we meet all of the timings on our schedule. Besides, Justin sleeps more than I do. And we've told you how he is without his cereal."

"Yeah I know. I guess I'm kinda like that, just not as grumpy. I mean, I need to get my cereal into me before I can even think about using my brain, but I'm at least in some sort of mood to talk to people."

"You're telling me. There are some mornings when we have to give Justin more room than an elephant he's so crabby."

"Ahh... that's me when I want to go to bed." JC started to laugh lightly, and I ended up joining him. Then I realised that I didn't know why we were laughing. "Wait. Why are we laughing?"

"Uh, I just thought that it was kinda funny that you're similar to each of the three of us, but in different ways. It's like you've got a little bit of each of us in you." JC paused for a minute. "Are you happy?"

"What? Oh, I mean... I guess." Shit.

"It's a pretty simple question. Are you happy?" I couldn't tell if he was a little mad or what, but there was something in his eyes. It was like he knew something that I didn't know. Or... no, there's no way he could've known what had gone on in my head. He definitely wasn't in the shower with me. And I don't think that I had been looking at Justin or anything. The coast's gotta be clear. It must be something else.

"Yes."

"Shut up. You can't lie to me." His crystal eyes were looking right through me. I'd either have to successfully roll him, or I'd have to tell him the truth.

"That wasn't a lie... at least not totally. I am happy right now. I mean, I can't believe that I've actually found three people that I trust and can be totally open and honest with."

"Then be honest with me now. What's stopping you from being truly happy? Why can't you move on with your life and be happy then? I mean, don't get me wrong Ryan, you're an awesome guy, and the shit you've been through is not something that anyone should have to go through. But, what is it that's missing, and stopping you from being happy?"

"I don't know." I whispered, but he still heard me. JC leaned in and put his hand on my shoulder to get my full attention. His voice was smooth, quiet and calm. Josh was a leader and it showed through in everything that he did.

"I know that you know what you need to be happy. Go for it and you'll get it." Huh? What the hell did that mean? "You deserve better and I hope that you can be happy. Promise me that you won't let anything stop you, ok?" I was kinda confused, but somewhere- deep inside of me- I knew exactly what he was talking about. Maybe not consciously, but somewhere, somehow, I knew.

"Thanks Josh." I smiled, I wasn't a hundred percent sure what he meant. But I got the point enough. I still can't figure out why he would say that though, and what is it that I need to be happy. How come he knows? "You guys really are too real."

"Hey," he gave me this totally cheesy grin, "why do you think we call ourselves *NSYNC?" I started to laugh.

"Man, that line is worth a serious fromage award!"

"What?" I should've know that he would know about them.

"Hey Ryan?" Justin had just beaten Lance again; and he must've been bored because he left Lance playing by himself and had plunked himself on the stool of my chair.

"Yeah Just?"

"What were you just saying to Josh about cheese?"

"Huh?" Josh was totally confused.

"I didn't know you spoke any French Justin."

"I don't really, just a little. Like, maybe twenty words or so."

"Oh, cool. Umh, there's these awards on MuchMusic that they have once a year. Except they're not really awards right? More like serious disses. But they're called the fromage awards."

"So what did Josh do to deserve a Cheese Award? Huh? Huh?" I loved how enthusiastic he could be. He was just like a big ball of energy. Wait a minute... did I just say loved? No, Ugh! I didn't. My mind must be playing tricks on me or something. Justin's Mom brought me outta my own little world that I had once again retreated into.

"All right, I'm all set for you guys now."

"A'ight Mom, thankz." We all stood up and I followed the three of them out of the room.

"Oh, Josh just came up with this cheesy line about y'all being called *NSYNC for a reason."

"It's true Ryan." Lynn spoke as we entered the dining room. I stopped dead in my tracks, not only had Justin's mom cooked dinner for us all, she cooked what looked like there was enough for a small army! "I came up with the name not just because it has the last letter of their names in it, but because the five of them really are in sync."

"Wow." Lance was looking at me kinda funny.

"Why are you so shocked Ryan? You knew that story already."

"Naw, it's not that. I mean, that's coo and all, but Mrs..."

"Lynn. None of Justin's friends call me anything but that." Justin started to laugh as he sat down.

"Yeah, and you better watch out, cuz if you do it again, she'll kick your ass!"

"Justin!" She reached across the table and swatted at him.

"Hey! It's true isn't it Mom?"

"Well, yeah... I guess it is, but you don't have to swear at the table."

"Sorry Mom." He looked down at the floor. It really was weird how we acted so alike sometimes.

"It's all right Just. Just watch it!" Justin perked back up and was smiling at me. "Anyways, as you were saying Ryan?"

"Uh, well, I was just surprised at how much food you made. It smells great Lynn, thanks."

"I'm flattered Ryan, but don't thank me, thank God." I almost cringed but stopped myself. I didn't know what He would be thinking right now about all the stuff that had been going through my head. "Lance?"

"Sure." Everyone closed their eyes and bowed they're heads. I followed suit, as was so customary in settings like this. I mean, it wasn't everyday that I said grace, but there were certain occasions when it was called for. "May we thank the Lord for what we are about to receive and be thankful that we are able to share it in such good company. Amen." Everyone repeated the Amen and I crossed myself. It was kinda weird. I didn't even consciously think about it, I just did it now. Lynn must've noticed though, cuz she asked about it.

"Dig in guys." The three of them each grabbed a platter with food on it. "Are you Catholic Ryan?"

"Naw, I'm Anglican."

"I didn't know that any Protestant's crossed themselves."

"Well, not everyone does. It's kinda a personal thing." That was the whole way the religion in my life worked: it was there, but it was personal. I don't usually talk about it unless someone asks. Partly because I feel that it's something that belongs just to me, and partly because my whole idea about religion wasn't completely orthodox. I did it in my own way, and sometimes people just don't see that and they tell me I'm wrong.

"Cool." Lance spoke up while he was piling mashed potatoes on his plate.

I was glad that the conversation was left at that; dinner went pretty well. Lynn was so relaxed and calm that it was difficult for me to be uptight around her, and I relaxed. Not to mention, doing anything with Justin, Josh and Lance was sure to put you in a good mood. After we were all finished eating, the four of us sorta looked at each other and somehow knew that we were going to clear the table. Or at least we were going to try. When we stood up and tried to take some of the dishes away, Lynn took no time at all to stop us.

"What are you guys doing?"

"Com'on Mom, let us..."

"Nope, you guys are going to leave everything exactly where it is and get your butts outta this house. You spend enough time here when you're all working in the studio, and you all spend way too much time in hotels when you're on tour. So, get out!" Lynn had stood up and was ushering us out of the room. Before walking back into the Dining Room. You'd think they'd have hired help or something to take care of stuff like that. As we reached the hall, Justin stopped.

"Hang on, let's go upstairs so we can figure out what we wanna do and so I can brush my teeth." We all changed directions and followed him upstairs. Somehow when Josh went into his own room, Lance followed him there and left me alone with Justin. I plunked myself down on the chair in front of Justin's big glass desk. His room was suprisingly clean, well except for the messed up sheet on the bed and the overflowing laundry basket that I could see in his bathroom as he opened the door so he could brush his teeth. I had to admit the room was pretty sweet without being overly posh. He had a nice four-post, Queen sized bed in the middle of the room. All of the furniture in the room, except for the glass desk which had a cast iron frame, was made of light wood. The walls were a dark blue colour and he had track lighting focusing on various places in the room. There was a huge entertainment centre in one corner of the room, although it looked like it didn't get used all that much.

"Hey Ryan, if you want I have an new toothbrush you can have." Justin was talking to me with his toothbrush in his mouth.

"You sure?"

"Uh, yeah. Like I would've asked if I didn't mean it!"

"K." Justin whipped a long, thin package at me, containing a... BLUE toothbrush. The next thing I knew I had a tube of toothpaste hurtling towards my head. I caught it just before it reached my face. "Thanks."

"No prob. Nice catch by the way." He rinsed out and walked back into the room. I walked into the room and pulled the brush out of the package, and then I started scrubbing away at my teeth. "So what do ya wanna do?"

"Movie?" I asked with the toothbrush still in my mouth.

"I was just thinking the same thing. Do you know what's playing?"

"Nuh Uh." I pulled the brush out. "I'm not from here remember? But we gotta make sure we go somewhere that has tons of room between the seats. Do you guys have those cool theatres with stadium seating and cool seats?" I put the toothbrush back into my mouth.

"Uh, yeah. I think there's one across from the Winter Park Mall."

"Cool!" I followed Justin out of his room and across the hall into JC's room.

"You guys up for a movie?"

"Uh, sure." Lance didn't seem too motivated about it, but Josh was a little more interested.

"Sweet!"

"A'ight, well let's go. We can take my car."

We all went downstairs and went into the garage where Justin had his black Beamer parked. We crawled in and Justin took off. It was a nice drive because I got to see more of Orlando that weren't Disney World or my hotel, even though they're not in Orlando proper. When we got to the eleven-theatre complex the guys threw on hats. Justin was of course wearing a North Carolina Tarheels hat. It was pretty sweet; I actually made a mental note to pick one up for myself. The colour totally rocks. Anyways, I couldn't figure out why the guys even bothered. I mean, it didn't really disguise them all that much. Lance just replied that it was dark enough outside that people wouldn't expect to see them, so they're usually ok. It's just good to try and disguise themselves just in case, because it'll make someone think twice before approaching them.

Lance wanted to go see some weird movie that I hadn't even heard of, but he was shot down before he even got the whole sentence out. Josh told me that he had a really bad track record with picking movies, so they didn't let him pick anymore. I hadn't seen the Sixth Sense yet, so I asked if anyone else was interested. None of the guys had seen it yet, so we decided on that one.

The disguises must of worked, or they weren't really needed because no one noticed them when we went into the complex. The guy at the ticket counter didn't even look up at any of us when we asked for the tickets. Somehow I managed to convince the guys to let me buy the tickets. It wasn't like I couldn't afford it or anything. None of us were interested in eating any of the greasy food they sold at the concession- not to mention, I don't think we could possibly eat any more with all the food that Lynn had cooked us- so we headed into the theatre and grabbed our seats in the upper-middle area. I had Lance on one side, with JC beside him, and then Justin was sitting to my left.

"Hey Ryan." Justin was whispering in my ear. "Don't mind Lance if he starts to get all squeamish. He doesn't like scary movies." I started to laugh and Justin joined me. I could never understand how people could be afraid of a movie. It is, after all, just a movie right?

The movie turned out to be cool. I was impressed by the fact that Bruce Willis had actually acted for once, and done a really good job. I had always thought that he was just one of those action flick actors who maybe had some talent, but never proved it to his audiences. The four of us ended talking about the movie for almost all of the way back to Justin's since we had decided to head back there. Josh and I laughed at Justin and Lance when they hadn't figured out a crucial part of the story-line. It was fairly obvious by the end of the movie, but I guess you just had to be in the right frame of mind to get the point. It was just after midnight when we pulled into the garage.

"So what do you guys wanna do?" Trust me to ask the obvious question. Everyone thought for a minute, until the light went on in Justin's head.

"Let's go swimming!"

"Are you crazy? You know I hate to swim Justin."

"Lance, it's not my fault that you can't swim."

"Hey! I can float! That's good enough isn't it?"

"Uh, actually," Josh paused for effect. "NO." We all started to laugh at Lance. Poor Lance, it always seemed like we were picking on him. He did blush really easily though. His face was almost crimson red at this point. "Although, I think you'd be safe Lance, cuz isn't Ryan a lifeguard?"

"Yeah, I am... but I don't have anything to wear in the pool with me."

"That's ok, I'm sure that you'll fit something of mine, and if not Josh can lend you a pair."

"A'ight then I'm down with swimming. Josh? Lance?"

"Well, actually... yeah I'll come out for a bit, then I think I'll header off to bed."

"Sweet! Ok, Ryan and Josh are for it, what about you Scoop?"

"Yeah, sure I guess... but Ryan let's me drown I'm going hurt him."

"Don't worry 'bout it Lance. It's all good."

We quietly went upstairs just in case Lynn was asleep already. Justin mentioned that she wasn't much of a night person. Justin grabbed me a pair of shorts and told me to change in the washroom first. When I came out he was already changed and threw a towel at my head.

"Do you normally throw things at people's heads, or is it just me?" Justin laughed.

"Naw, it's just you Ryan."

"Ok!" I threw the towel back at him, and grabbed the one in his hands before running out the door and down the stairs. I stopped in the hallway when I realised that I didn't know where the pool was. Well, I mean, I figured it was in the backyard or something, but I didn't really know how to get out there. Justin came bounding down the stairs after me and punched me in the arm.

"Let's go!" He took off and I ran after him down the hallway and into the kitchen. Then through the sliding door out onto the patio and across the lawn. When he reached the pool he threw his towel on the ground and jumped in. I wasn't far behind him. Except I dove in quietly and went underneath him. When I surfaced he was facing away from me, so I grabbed him and pulled him under. All my years of working and playing around in the water gave me a pretty good advantage and soon he was struggling to get to the top. I lifted him up out of the water and pulled him into what was known as a Pia carry(they named it after the guy who invented it), which basically meant that I had a strong hold on him and he would have to put a lot of effort into getting out of it. When he started to squirm I pulled him back under the water. He almost got the upper hand when he grabbed onto my legs, but I used my arms to lift my head out of the water for a breath and then kicked him away before swimming under him and away to safety. He swam over to the edge while I tread water in the middle of the pool to catch my breath. Well that was at least until JC snuck up on me and pulled me down.

It didn't take long for all three of the guys to gang up on me and finally kept me under and relatively under their control. Although, they could say that I didn't give them all one hell of a fight. After we caught our breaths we ended up playing an aquatic version of basketball for a little over an hour until Josh decided to go to bed. The three of us remaining ended up chilling out in the Hot Tub.

"I love just sitting outside in a Hot Tub at night. I mean, it's so cool just looking up at the stars and melting in the water. Up at home it'd be so cold outside at night that you'd have only a little bit of your face sticking out of the water. But it was so relaxing."

"I know what you mean. My mom wanted to put a gazebo over-top of the tub, but I told her if she did we'd have to buy another one."

"I wish we had these on tour in our rooms, or on the bus. It'd be a totally awesome way to relax after a show."

"Hmmm... maybe we should get management to arrange it so that we do get to have hot tubs when we stay in hotels. Think you could deal with that Scoop?"

"Shouldn't be a problem." We all just sat there for a few minutes looking up at the stars. "I'll be back in a sec. I gotta hit the little boy's room." Lance jumped out of the Hot Tub.

"Just make sure you don't touch any of the little boys Lance!" We all laughed at that, even Lance.

"Yeah, right." And with that Lance took off across the lawn. He was wearing these brown swimming trunks and from here, in the dark, it looked like a streaker.

"Am I ever going to meet the other guys Justin?"

"NO! You can't know them. It's not allowed!" He giggled and showed his perfect teeth to me. I mean, I had good teeth, but he had awesome teeth. I faked an upset look and pouted until I gave in and started to giggle too.

"Anyways, really, when do I get to meet 'em?"

"Uh, lets see... Chris should be back tomorrow or the next day. And I think Joey'll be back at the end of the week. We all actually have to head into the studio. Grrr... I love recording, but I hate spending ALL DAY at the studio. I always want to make sure that it's absolutely perfect, cuz our fans don't deserve anything less!"

"Coo." There was a short silence as I thought about meeting the last two members. I didn't know how it was going to turn out. I really hoped that they didn't hate me or anything. Cuz I definitely would not want to come between the five of them. Not that I liked the idea of not being able to hang out with Justin, Lance and Josh. I kept telling them how great they made me feel, but it was true. I haven't been able to relax this much in a long time.

"So do you have a girlfriend Ryan?"

"Nope. I mean, I've been on a few dates with some girls, but it's nothing serious. They always seem to want more out of it then I'm willing to give. It's not because they're not good people, it's just that I have trouble seeing them more than just friends. I just haven't met the right girl yet I guess. What about you?"

"Naw. We're not really in any one place with any sort of regularity, so it makes it really difficult. That and like you said, I haven't really met the right girl. What kinda person are ya looking for?" I sighed and leaned my head back against the edge of the tub. I wanted to tell him that I was looking for someone that would make me feel good all over; someone that would make me feel completely safe. For some reason, some part of me didn't want to tell him that, maybe because I didn't want him to figure out what had been going through my head recently. I sat back up at looked at him.

He looked so... perfect. Justin was perfect. The perfect friend... The moon was reflecting off his tanned skin, his eyes has this incredible sparkle to them, and it made him look, well... angelic. Ugh! But I couldn't think that, so I turned my head to look at the grass.

"I think I'm looking for someone that I know I can be me with. Obviously I'd have to be attracted to them. Except it's really important to me that I'd never have to worry about what they were thinking about me, because I'd know that she wouldn't care; that I'd be loved for just who I was." Justin didn't respond, so I closed my eyes and laid my head back down against the side. I heard some splashing of water to my left, so I just assumed that Lance had finally gotten back from the washroom. "Hey Lance." There was no response, at least not right away. Finally, I heard a whisper in my ear, but I was pretty sure that it wasn't Lance.

"Hey." I didn't open my eyes, but I was pretty sure it was Justin; and he sounded really close.

" 'Sup Just?"

"Uh..." It came out so barely audible that I don't even think that I was sure I heard it, "this." And then I felt it. It was as if I had been standing in a tropical ocean and I had just been washed over by a huge, warm wave. My whole body was tingling like I had just been dipped in a big vat of Novocain. There were little electrical currents running throughout my veins. I had never felt so awesome in my life. It was a totally exhilarating feeling. His lips were so soft. They felt like silk pressed against my own. Finally I realised what Josh had been talking about earlier: all I wanted was someone to love me, so that I could love them back. That was the part of me that was missing. And here was not just anyone, but someone who I considered a great friend. Not to mention, I could no longer ignore the fact that I was incredibly attracted to him.

Unfortunately, when I finally registered the fact that Justin was kissing me, my mind started to scream at me that this was so wrong. Guys don't kiss guys. Guys can't be attracted to other guys. It's wrong. It's against nature. The first two people on the planet, well at least according to most people, weren't Adam and STEve. I couldn't be doing this. He didn't mean it. He's just trying to find out if I liked other guys, so that he could tell the other two and they could kick my ass. Lance and JC were probably hiding behind a bush just so they could kick the shit out of me. Well, maybe that was a little bit of a stretch in my overactive imagination, but this was sooo not right. I had to get out of here.

Without looking at Justin I jumped out of the Hot Tub and ran for the house. I heard Justin call out my name and start to sob. I guess Justin really did mean it. But I didn't. I wasn't gay. There's no way. I have to leave. I kept repeating over and over in my head that I didn't like other guys. I COULDN'T like other guys. NOOOOO!

I was crying by the time I got into the house. Tears were stinging my eyes and streaming down my face. I wish I could've died right then and there. I ran out of the kitchen and into the hallway, right into Lance and JC who were standing there talking.

"Woah, Ry! 'Sup? Chill out. What's going on?" I could hear Josh talking to me, but I couldn't see anymore. All I could think about is how dirty I felt. Just like when the bastard had sexually assaulted me. I was just as bad as he was. Worse even. A disgusting piece of flesh that deserved to be left on the side of the road to rot. I couldn't think anymore. My mind was completely overloaded with emotions and thoughts. "Hey, com'on. Let's go up to my room and talk. Lance go outside and find out from Justin what happened." Josh was pretty sure he knew what had just happened, and he knew exactly what he needed to do. Lance solemnly nodded and headed outside. He had no clue what was going on, but he knew that he had to help.

I couldn't get the words out to object. I had been reduced to a sopping wet, sobbing shell of the person I was. It took the little bit of energy left in my body to follow him upstairs. Once we got upstairs to his room I collapsed on the bed and let the sobs take over my body. I was shaking. Partly because of the fact that I was cold and wet, but mostly because of what had just happened outside.

Josh must've have gone into his bathroom and gotten a towel, for I felt him wrap me up in a big, fluffy towel and dry off my hair. He pulled me into a deep hug and just held me there. The whole time he kept saying, "It's ok, it's alright. Everything's going to be fine." I don't think I believed him, but after what seemed to be forever my body gave up and I finally stopped crying. I wanted to fall asleep, right then and there, but Josh wasn't going to let that happen.

"Ok, are you ready to tell me what just happened Ry? I can't help you unless you tell me what's going on inside that head of yours." I knew that there was no way I was going to get myself out of this one. In my present state, I wasn't capable of lying myself out of this. Not to mention, I think Josh is a little more intuitive than that. He'd be able to tell that I wasn't telling him the truth. I just had to hope that he really was as good a friend as he said he was. If not, I was going to end up in a worse emotional mess than I already was. Then again, he might just understand and actually be able to help me.

I nodded and took a deep breath. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. My throat felt all horse from all the crying. He nodded and seemed to understand. "Hang on, I'll be right back." He slowly got up and walked back into the bathroom. This time returning with a tall glass of water. "Here, drink this." I gladly accepted and slowly drank the glass down. I think that he realised that I was stalling, but he sat there patiently waiting for me to start. Josh wasn't going anywhere else, any time soon.

"Umh... well..." sigh "Justin kissed me." I whispered, hoping he wouldn't hear me. But, I had no such luck.

"And?"

"And, umh... well. I dunno. I can't..." I started to cry again. This was not going to one of the easiest things I've ever had to do. Josh just hugged me again and waited totally patiently for me to carry on. After a few minutes I regained my composure and started again. "He kissed me, and I liked it... but it's wrong. Guys aren't supposed to like each other. I'm sick. I don't deserve to have you guys as friends. I don't deserve to live. It's not natural!" Josh instinctively tightened the hug and moved his mouth to within five centimetres from my ear.

"Ryan, listen to me. Don't say any of that. First of all, you do deserve to have us as friends. We may not be perfect, but you do deserve to have good friends. Second of all, you definitely do deserve to live. You're a great guy, and a great friend. I feel blessed that we were able to meet you." He paused briefly, as if to collect his thoughts. Josh wanted to make sure that this came out completely right. He had to make me understand that there was nothing wrong with this, and that if I liked Justin in that way, I needed to follow my heart. "Finally, Ryan... look at me." He pulled us apart so that I would look into his eyes as he spoke. There was nothing hiding behind his eyes. I felt as if everything that had been going through his mind was visible and exposed to me. I saw nothing but concern, friendship, and worry there. It helped to calm me, and I guess that it was then that I knew I would be safe in telling him my secrets.

"Finally, there's nothing wrong with having feelings for another person. It's completely natural. If you think that it makes a difference to me or Lance whether you have feelings for a guy or girl, you haven't learned very much about us the last couple of days. What's important to us is that our friends are happy. And if that means that you and Justin find out that you have feelings for each other, well, then that's cool. And if not, and you decide to hook up with some girl that you trip in front of instead, then that's still cool too. Like I said earlier, you know what you need to be happy, and you need to do that or get that one thing. Basically that means that you need to follow your heart. That doesn't always mean that it will lead you to the right place. What it will do is help you find things that will make you happy. And you know what? If I thought that you were someone who was going to be miserable most of the time, and would never follow his own heart and mind, then I'd have a lot of trouble being friends with you. I've said it before, and I think I need to say it again, because you're not hearing me: You are a totally cool guy and I'm glad that I'm blessed enough to know you, but you have to do what makes you happy. If you don't there isn't any point in having friends or doing anything with your life. You have to think cool to be cool inside." Josh was totally flustered, but he was right. But, this was too easy... I'm not supposed to have feelings for Justin. But then why is Josh telling me it's ok? I mean, he wouldn't lie to me about something like that. He's not the devious type of person. Oh... k, well just think about this.

What did I just tell Justin about what I was looking for in a relationship? I said that I was looking for someone who I could be me with, right? And that it had to be someone that I trusted. And that it had to be someone that I was attracted to. All three of those are satisfied by Justin. Not to mention the fact that I think he's totally an amazing human being. Argh... and he must feel the same way, because if he didn't, he wouldn't have kissed me. Why was I making this so complicated? Because the world was fucked up. Maybe if I hadn't grown up thinking this was wrong I wouldn't be having this problem. Why do we have to put stereotypes on things and people anyways? And it's not like either of us are those totally flaky, feminine types, right? And I really AM still attracted to girls. But what does this mean?

"What are you thinking Ryan?" Josh was propped up on one arm, while the other was still around my shoulder. The intense looks of worry and concern, while still present, were joined by one of curiosity. He felt as if he was successful in getting through to me, and now all was required was for me to completely process it and everything would be ok. Well, as long as Lance had managed to do some pretty effective damage control with Justin.

"I'm thinking... well, jumbled thoughts. I'm confused and I don't know what to think."

"What does you gut say?" He poked me in the stomach as he said it.

"Huh? What does my stomach have anything to do with what's going on." If I hadn't been so fatigued and exhausted I would've caught on to the fact that he was talking about my instincts.

"You know, what does your heart say? Never mind everything that's going on in your head. With everything you've been through it's bound to be jumbled and confused. But what are your instincts telling you to do?" He paused and then decided to get blunt. It was a lot easier to control the conversation, then to let it die from lack of participation. He had to make me understand that if I liked Justin, it was cool, and that it was even cooler if I told him what I was thinking. "Do you like Justin?"

"Of course, you guys are totally awesome friends." Josh shook his head.

"No, no. Not like that. I meant are you attracted to him; do you think he's cute?"

"Well, yeah..." Hmmm... JC was thinking this might just work and then everything would be all good.

"Ok. If you were a girl would you go out with him."

"Yeah..." I wasn't quite so sure where he was going with this.

"Ok, so what's the problem? It's ok for you guys to like each other, and you both do. So, what's stopping you from exploring each other's feelings?"

"I dunno..."

"Exactly! You have no reason." Josh smiled. He had attained victory, or at least he was pretty sure he had. " So now you're going to go find Justin, and apologise for taking off on him... and you're going to tell him you have feelings for him."

"Right now?" I wanted to tell him, I really did. And Josh was right, but I was so tired. Or was that just an excuse.

"Yes. Right now."

Chill, I hope to have the next chapter out soon. Forever *Nsync yo!