You asked me to write about what my world would look like without responsibility (or that is what I understood). I could not figure it, what would I tell you about, what job I would do? who I would love? what a supermarket shopping day would look like? I had no clue. Then I remembered my interaction with D. Sorry what comes next may sound like a Harlequin romance, but I think it exemplifies a life where responsibility is not the end all and be all.
So, when I left you, I stopped by D. I had arranged that earlier. The plan was (with funds present) that we would go have a drink, get a bite to eat. Not a date, but a getting to know you better. But I did not have the funds (neither did he) and I was not in a space to drive up and down.
He lives close to the office so I thought that I would just drive over and call him when I was outside. I knew the house, or I did 30 years ago. But I got lost, as is my way, and I called him for accurate directions (no foul, I really was not in a rush to go anywhere including home). I found the house and waited outside for him. When I called earlier, I told him that we were not going out, but just chat for a bit.
D came out to his gate, and I got out of the car. I felt so much taller than him, than I remembered. Last time I saw him was when we reconnected several months ago. I am 6'4" and he is 6'1". I just kicked off my shoes to see if I still felt very tall and I did. The thing is I don't kick off my shoes unless more is to come. Barefoot or in this case socked feet is an invitation. He was standing inside the gate I was outside. He walked out the gate and leaned on the car to talk to me. When I think of that action I have two thoughts, either he did not want the people in the house to see me or, he did not want me to drive off quickly. It was both, I think, as I found out later.
We chatted for a while, pure bullshit you know. A getting to know you. Words that mean a lot and mean nothing at the same time. But the freedom to say them. I asked him if he cussed (I do sometimes, now more than ever) and he said no. Then he told me a story about someone he knew who cussed every other word and proceeded to tell me the words. Hmmmmm, a clear message to me. What message do you ask? He was telling me that he wanted to play.
I have to declare that I started getting hot. Hot you say, well, I began to have a physical reaction (an erection), or I began to experience the joy of his company. Bear in mind, we are at his gate in public, there is a space between us, I am standing away from him. The conversation becomes more pointed as he speaks to the distance between us. I can see that he is experiencing the joy of my company. I tell him that I want to move closer, but in actuality I step back. You see if I stepped close, I would have kissed him in public to boot. It was something, I felt something. I had not felt anything in such a long time. I wanted him, I really did.
Leave, leave now that was what was in my mind. I did not want to stand up there chatting anymore, I did not want to chat I wanted to talk with every part of body. I wanted to touch him, to explore him, to taste him, to see him as God brought him into the world. I had to leave. So, I told him so. He would not move from the car. I got into the driver's seat and wound down the glass and he came and leaned over my door.
I had to touch him, gently, timidly. I touched his wrist, then his arm tugging at the hairs and then I held his hand. We held each other's arms. I touched the stubble on his chin, and his nose. I touched the joy that I saw. He touched my knee, and I brought his fingers up to my joy. He caressed my joy through the constraints. I wanted so much more. No responsibility, freedom, joy, weightlessness, timeless, bliss, just pleasing each other.
Is this the beginning of a relationship? me no know. Is this something that can last? me no know. Is this even a thing? me no know. What I do know is that I felt removed from all constraints and best of all we followed each other in this dance. He knew I was into it and I knew he was into it and it was lovely.
I hope this answers the question. I could think of no other way to do it. I pray that all goes well for your son's surgery. See you week after next.
Chris...