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I really should have listened to my friends when they told me to let it go - that internet relationships don't work, I guess I had to disagree since that is the way that my mother met my step-father and they have been together for almost ten years now.
My name is Alex; I'm twenty-two years old with short blond hair and blue eyes. I'm not very muscular, but I'm by no means fat, just out-of-shape - or so I keep telling myself. I had just turned nineteen when I met Lucas on a gay forum I had joined. He was a sweet guy, albeit shy. He was thirty years old, short brown hair and hazel eyes.
We had only started chatting periodically, whenever I got home from work late in the evening. I remember that it didn't take me long to want to add him to my messenger and thankfully he was glad to accept my invitation. Our conversations were never really about anything important, just the normal things friends would talk about.
One night when I logged on after work and gave him my usual greeting I realized something was wrong with him; he wasn't acting like himself.
"Whats wrong?" I asked, genuinely concerned.
"My boyfriend and I had a fight tonight, we're breaking up" He replied.
"Do you mind me asking what the fight was about?"
"No. It's simple really, he was cheating on me, and I found out. When I confronted him he lied to my face about it and, well, here we are... He leaves tomorrow"
"Lucas, I'm really sorry to hear that, I know what its like to be cheated on and it ended the same way for me. I just hope he wasn't like the asshole I dated and still wanted to have sex with you while with his new man."
"No, he doesn't want that. Thankfully..."
"We'll that's good. You want a virtual hug? I know it's not the same as a real one but maybe it'll help?" Although I knew it really wouldn't, as I said, I had been through the same thing and nothing makes you feel good that soon after a break up.
"No, that's okay."
"Alright then, but if you want to talk about it, yell, scream, kick something, cry, then I'm here, you can always talk to me about it."
"Thank you, Alex. I appreciate that."
"No problemo!" The conversation that night died at that point, neither of us really had anything else to say to each other. Lucas was thinking - always with the thinking. I could remember all the questions I had asked myself when Serge broke up with me, I was so depressed and sheltered myself in my room. Looking back on that time now, I have to laugh, while it wasn't funny then, the whole event took place like a soap opera, without cameras, and better acting.
Serge had come over very early in the morning to visit me - not unusual since I was a night person and generally got off work around eleven in the evening, home by midnight. But when he came into my apartment, I knew what was going on just by the look on his face. The first thing he did was give me a kiss and hug and then went and sat down in the chair in the living room.
I went to the kitchen and grabbed some beer for us, I wanted to this happen as smoothly as possible, and not have it end in a dramatic scene. We sat down and talked about our days, the upcoming weekend, my birthday that had just gone by and of course, the weather! Then for the first time since I had dated him he actually came out of his shell and told me the truth flat out.
"I'm cheating on you, with Tory" He said to me, almost embarrassed.
"I know. I've known for about two weeks now. Funny thing is, I'm not even mad at you, and I don't know why I'm not. I should be. I should be yelling and telling you to get out, But I'm not. I guess because I know that if you really wanted to, you would stay with me, that I was enough, But I'm not. That's okay. I don't mind."
"I'm sorry"
"So am I."
There was silence. A very long, contemplative silence in the room as we booth stared at our feet thinking.
"So uhh.." He started. "I guess this isn't the best time to tell you, but. I uhh..." He trailed off and thought for a moment, while I waited in silence. "I didn't just sleep with Tory... there were others. I went to the bath-house.."
Before he could even finish his sentence I stood up and walked over to his chair, looked at him in the eyes and said " You did what?! You went to a dirty backwater bath house to get your cock sucked and ass pounded by some random person?! Did you have sex in the parks as well? Most important, did you use a fucking condom!?"
"No"
"No?! No?! What the fuck were you thinking?! If you want to go have unprotected sex with strangers, fine, do it! But for gods sake don't expose me to the risk of HIV and AIDS, or other infections because you cant get enough play time!"
That's when I had exploded. I went from the calm, collected individual dealing with a break up to a raving lunatic! Within a few minutes I had him dressed, out the door and downstairs on the street. I don't remember much of the details, but as I walked him to his car I remember he turned around and asked me if we could still have sex.
He had gotten angry with me when I told him that my dick was off limits to him from now on. He was about to storm off and drive away when his car broke down. And so the fighting continued, and after about an hour of him being stuck there I used my cell to call a tow truck, just to get him away from me.
I let out a chuckled remembering the moment and turned my attention back to Lucas. He was silent but I knew he just didn't know how to respond to this since it had never happened to him before.
"Don't beat yourself up over this, Lucas. I doubt there was anything you could do to stop him from cheating. But if you want to talk more, give me a call anytime."
"Thanks. I will."
"I'm heading off to bed now, I hope to talk with you tomorrow, sleep well and keep your chin up!"
"Yeah. Good night Alex"
"Night"
From then on I made it my duty to help Lucas get through this as painlessly and quickly as possible. It was better for him in the long run and it gave me an opportunity to get to know him better.
It may seem selfish of me to use this situation to my advantage, but I did have a crush on him, and I don't blame myself for wanting to reap some benefits out of the situation either. But I also knew not to move too fast, nothing is worse than being the rebound guy.
I have to admit that Lucas, unlike myself, didn't seem too bothered by these events, since just a few weeks after it happened he was back to his old self, but I knew to tread carefully, it could have been a guise so no one would worry about him. I was also happy though that he found the courage to keep going on and not let this interfere too much with his daily life.
Eventually months had passed and we were nearing Christmas, I wanted to take some time and get together with him, go shopping or just hang out, but alas, plans never seem to go as - well - planned. It was during one of our conversations that he broke it to me.
"Got any plans for the Christmas holiday, Alex?" He asked.
"A few. Hoping to spend some time with some of my friends up here, and waiting for one of my friends from back home to come up for a visit. I haven't seen her in almost... a year and a half!"
"That's cool! I wont be in town from tomorrow until January second. Going to visit some family I haven't seen in a while."
"Aww, I was hoping we could do something before Christmas, ah well, there will be plenty of time when you get back, right?"
"Definitely. Well, I'm off to pack. Later!"
"Later"
While it may have been a little disappointing for me to hear that from him, it wasn't like it was a big deal. My friend Samantha had came to visit me and we spent hours talking about Lucas and other guys. She could easily tell how into him I was and supported me in trying to reel this catch in.
I think I trusted Sammy more out of a lot of my friends since she was the logical one. I don't think I have ever been so intimidated by a person in my entire life. She was one of the smartest graduates of our school; her averages were in the nineties and she had been accepted into the most prestigious and expensive university in our province. The best way to describe her thoughts would be mathematical; she would see a problem, analyze it and give you the solution, without being judgemental or condescending.
Well Christmas had come and gone and she had left to go back to school. I remember being at the train station watching her depart and wishing I could go with her, back home to see my friends and family, and at that moment, I got a text message on my cell.
"It's Lucas. Coming back early. Did you enjoy xmas?"
I gave a smile looking down at my cell and paused for a moment. After the screen had dimmed I came back to reality and hit the reply button.
"Cool. You have fun? I did. Sam just left."
I didn't receive a text after that, but I assumed, as usual that he simply hadn't gotten around to replying as he was working. But even still, small moments like that gave me hope that maybe there was something between us... something that held us together.
Oddly enough though, I never asked him to do anything with me after he had returned, maybe I was a little scared to meet him in person, or maybe I just didn't know how to ask, either way, it doesn't matter now.
However, when spring started to roll around I worked up the courage to ask him, and was happy that he had said yes.
"So where do you want to meet at, Alex?"
"Hmm, well you live really far from my place, how about someplace in the middle? There is a Coffee House on Bank st. How does that sound?"
"Sounds good. I like the coffee there. What time do you want to meet?"
"Hmm, I'm going to the mall that day with a friend, so she can pick up some stuff for her apartment, but I will be free around three o'clock. Is that okay with you?"
"Yep, three o'clock I can do."
"Great, see you there!"
My closest friends always pick on me because I have "mood swings" and not the kind where I'm happy one minute and totally pissed off the next, that's PMS, and I only get that once a month. No, the mood swings I get are from overly happy and outgoing to nervous and sheltered. And that's exactly how I was as the hours counted down to my meeting Lucas for the first time.
It was about an hour before I had to be at the coffee shop and I was still messing around. Should I wear this shirt, or maybe that one? Do these pants look alright? Is my breath fresh? I can only imagine what I looked like running around the apartment. But finally I was ready, and was wearing my dark low-rise jeans with a nice red tee and black boots. I grabbed my MP3 player and headed out the door, running to catch the next bus.
It was about the time I got on the bus when I started to get excited that I was finally going to meet Lucas. I stood on the crowded bus listening to my music and slightly dancing as I thought about what it would be like. I hoped everything would go well, I don't take disappointment easily and this was important for me.
I had arrived early - if there was one thing mom instilled on me, it was to be early, to get a better seat. I ordered myself a large hot chocolate and took a seat by the window so I had a better view of the street. And then I waited, listening to my music, twenty minutes to go... My mood swing kicked in and in no time at all I got nervous. I was going to say or do something stupid I just knew it. I was going to ruin my one chance with this guy. Ugh, I should have just stayed home. So I stared at my hot chocolate...
And as if by instinct my head propped up from its drooping position and I looked at the door. There was no sound to alert me the door had opened, no words were spoken, I just knew he was here and, he was. I watched him stroll in through the front door and at that moment he too, somehow knew to look directly at me. I gave a smile and waited as he went to the counter and got himself a green tea. I took my time scanning his body with my eyes.
He was shorter than I was, that was noticeable just from him standing at the counter, he had a little belly; which was oddly cute, for reasons I cant explain. Lucas had a nice frame to his body and a nice ass from what I could see. His hair was short and thick, and spiked towards the front and he wore reading glasses. Definitely someone I had instantly fallen for.
He sat down at the table with me and we introduced ourselves officially for the first time.
"Hi, I'm Lucas... you must be Alex" he said.
"Yes, and I suppose its lucky I am, or this would be odd for both of us." I smiled at him, "Its good to meet you in person, Lucas. How are you?"
"I'm good. Just woke up about two hours ago though..."
"Its almost three fifteen. How can you sleep so long on a day like this?"
"I close my curtains" He joked.
I shook my head at the comment. "Well you're awake now. And here. So s'all good."
We talked for well over two hours and customers came and went from the coffee shop. I was amazed at how much we both had to say to each other. He was a very smart individual. He owned his own business, preparing, repairing and managing servers for people within the city and he enjoyed the work, although he admitted he wanted something that paid a little more.
"So what do you do, Alex?" He asked.
"For a job?" I had forgot that in the midst of our conversation I had neglected to mention that to him. "I work two jobs at the moment. My primary source of income comes from Youth Social Outreach - a program funded by the government. Doesn't pay quite enough to pay all my bills, so I also work at a call centre downtown, doing surveys. The combine income supports me. Though I would really love to drop the call centre work."
I have to admit that when I looked at him after telling him that, he seemed really surprised. Sure I was young, but I was fully capable of running a small program for youth. Wasn't all too difficult either; educate and prevent in a way that youth will understand. Maybe I was looking too far into it, but it doesn't matter anymore. With that said our conversation pretty much ended and I knew I would have to leave soon, but I didn't want to be the first to say it.
"I'm sorry, I have to be going. Gotta work on a few more servers tonight. But I cant drive you to the mall so you can catch a bus home...if you want"
"Sure, Id like that. Waiting for a bus here really sucks. Ha-ha."
When he drove away after dropping me off, I stood at the bus stop going over the events as they had occurred that day. I felt so good all over and while I was sad it was over, I had already created a fond memory that would not leave my mind for months to come. Since Serge and I had broken up I didn't really have that someone in my life and I missed the feeling, something that Lucas rekindled in my heart.
It probably sounds so strange to think that I was able to feel like I could talk to him about anything, and not really fear his reactions. My roomie, my dear sweet roomie suggested that he was still very much a stranger to me.
"Online chatting doesn't count! Anyone can lie to you, and its much easier online than in person since you cant see them! Don't fall for this so easily, Alex."
"Beck...You just don't understand. I know that people can lie online... and in person... but I cant help but feel something for him!"
"You're just not used to the idea of living your life single, I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this but you simply lack the ability to be truly happy unless you have someone at your side at all times. You like him because you need a boyfriend to feel complete." She snapped at me.
"Wow, someone's quite the bitch today. What the hell is wrong with you? I doubt I actually deserved that, and by the way, I can be happy alone. To prove it, Id like you to go the fuck away so I can go back to being happy."
Fights weren't exactly uncommon with Beck... we had the tendency to fight over stupid things, much like a married couple. Though there were times when we argued I knew it was for a good reason, like the time I had come home high on E. It was the best night of my life, and I had a lot of fun, but she was so pissed with me. I made her a promise I wouldn't do it again, one I have kept so far. But for this, I didn't understand why she was so angry about it, and I doubt I ever will. A few days passed and I hadn't heard anything from Lucas and things at home had calmed down - life returned to normal again. I wasn't overly worried though, I thought the meeting went well and I know I had a good time. But as usual, someone in my life took interest and started to warn me about the dangers of meeting strangers.
"Mom, we had coffee. We actually I had a Hot Chocolate and he had..."
"That's not important" She yelled over the phone.
"It is to me! I'm watching my caffeine intake... Oh, you meant in relevance to your conversation..." I said sarcastically.
"Yes. I'm glad you noticed." She paused. "I worry about you, you live so far away. What if he had raped you? Or drugged you? Or left you for dead in an alley?"
"Well, lets start at the beginning of that list. Rape: Yay me, I have sex...again. Drugged me: he would have them proceeded to rape me. Left for Dead: I wouldn't be on the phone with you now."
"You used to be such a good little boy... what happened to you?"
"Dad. And is bitch of a wife; and your new husband for that matter. I'm fully capable of taking care of myself. I told someone where I was going and got them to call me at a certain time to make sure I was ok. God you place so little faith in me!"
"I have faith in you! Why would you say that?"
"You are such a drama queen. I'm hanging up now... call me back when you aren't going to belittle my life choices." And with that I ended the call and shut my cell phone off. Ah, the best option in the world, to be able to shut the phone off so they can't call back.
Has your life ever been like a soap opera that you wish would just end? I know for certain my life feels that way all the time and I just want to kill off all the main cast members, save for myself, and be done with it. If it wasn't Beck, it was Family, if it wasn't one of my family it was someone at work...
I was sitting at my laptop on day - which I affectionately call Henry listening to music on my headphones when my cell phone began to vibrate across the table. I was still listening to my music as I flipped it open and saw I had a new text message. I hit the Open button and read. It was from Lucas!
"Hey, sorry I haven't been in contact lately. Been really busy with work. How are you? Text me back whenever you can."
I immediately hit the reply button and started typing back. "Good to hear from you. I hope work is going well. You want to get together again soon? Maybe see a movie?"
"Sounds good. I will be in touch online to hammer details out. Got to get back to work on this server. Later!"
"Later. Don't damage it. lol"
In my mind I was running up the walls and doing cartwheels across the ceiling! I was so happy that he had messaged me and wanted to hang out more, I proved to myself I wasn't a total loser! So now it was time to research movies, what was out? I went into a mild frenzy, I made it past the most important step - the first impression and it was good enough to warrant a second meeting, now I wanted to move it up to let him know I was interested... although that might seem a little creepy considering we only met once... maybe let him know more about me then, see how much more we have in common. If things went well from there I could work on maybe getting an official date with him.
"Hey hunny! You sound happy! Its really a nice change, you've had it rough the last few years and were kinda down, whats going on, you've met someone haven't you? Oh my god why didn't you call me immediately and tell me?! Im so mad at you right now"
"Its good to hear from you Nat. Yeah I have met someone, we've only gone out once but he's really nice. I like him. I didn't call because I was hoping to hold off on the news until I had more! But you and your psychic powers figured it out."
"We've been friends for how long? Thirteen years?"
"Fourteen..."
"Fourteen years. If I wasn't able to tell this stuff about you from just the sound of your voice... I wouldn't be much of a best friend, would I?"
"Ha-ha, I suppose you wouldn't be. But aren't you going to warn me about him? I mean, I did meet him online. He could have raped me." I said more in jest than anything.
"Hun, you can take care of yourself, you don't need anyone to tell you what to do. I trust you and know you will be fine. I'm happy for you and hope it works out."
"Thanks. That's the first nice thing anyone has said about all of this."
"That too, is my job. But I mean it. I'm happy."
"We're arranging another get-together. I suggested a movie, we're working the details out now. Got any suggestions?" "When he's not looking kiss him? Hehe. Hmm, seriously though, I say go to something like a comedy or thriller. No chick flicks. Yuck!"
Though she couldn't see it, I was shaking my head at her. I knew Nat didn't like chick flicks, it was simply a way for guys to get on a girls side to get into their pants by appealing to their emotions. She wasn't that type of girl - never was. She would rather a guy be forward about his intentions rather than beating around the bush.
"So how are things with Shane? Are you two still dating?" I asked to break the silence.
"Oh hunny, I don't know about him sometimes. I really just don't think he's the man for me..."
"Is this because for that short time in his life he thought he was gay and came on to me and showed me his penis?"
"No, that doesn't bother me. I just don't think that he wants exactly what I want."
"Break up with him?"
"How would I do that?"
"Same way I do with setting up plans... and email!"
"But isn't that kinda---"
I cut her off before she could finish her sentence and said, "I was only joking, that's a horrible way to break it off with him. Just talk to him, let him know that if he isn't man enough to meet your needs, then he best be going back to gay, 'cause he wont please any woman! Mmmhmm!"
We both laughed at my overly dramatic comment and let out a sigh, it was good to catch up with each other now and then since we lived so far away. We were so very similar to each other that it scared most people, and we were so inseparable as children. I had only made it as far as I did in life because she was beside me helping me along, and I was there for her. Now that we lived so far away we only had intermittent conversations about life, but we held true to our friendship and did what we could. I had also gotten the feeling that I was going to need her guidance in roping Lucas in and making him a part of my life.