This is a true story and it is very close to my heart. It tells about the one guy that I would use the term "lover" to describe. I am opening my soul, here and I know that that can be dangerous. As always your coments are welcome.
ben_sc@hotmail.com
David Chapter 6-Final
Pretty pathetic, huh? I also sent him an anniversary card that I had designed. It had a fireplace and a thick quilt, a bottle of champagne, and a bowl of strawberries. His 7th anniversary coincided , almost to the day, with that or one month anniversary of when he and I met. I sent this separately, the next day. Little did I know that doing so would have the detrimental effect it did.
I got a message on my voicemail from David telling me not to write, call or come by. He further stated that if I did, he would call my wife. I guess I got my answer...
David had told me where his brother, Joey, worked and I called and made an appointment, stating that somebody told me about the place and that I was interested in learning more about their services. I did go there, and I did meet Joey, but I was very nervous.
He looked very much like David, though, truthfully, not as good looking. I wanted to tell him all about us and ask him if he would let me know from time to time how David was doing. But I just couldn't work up the nerve. He gave me his business card and I told him I would be in touch.
A couple of days later, I got a phone call at work from my wife. She said that we had gotten an "interesting package" in the mail. It was a big envelope and had "I didn't read it. Leave me alone" on the outside. She had opened it and inside there was torn up paper. She had looked through it and it seemed like some sort of letter between some guy named David and another guy named Ben.
I nearly shit my pants. I just couldn't believe he would do something like that. I told her I was on my way home and hung up the phone. I was blown away. I dialed David's number at work and he answered. I didn't even give him time to say anything before I was screaming at him and asking him why he would do something like that. Thank God nobody was in the office at the time. He just said he didn't want to talk about it and hung up.
I went home to face the music. I told my wife that I was Ben (not a name I use at home) and that I had been seeing David, intimately for a while. Apparently, she had read enough of the letter to get the gist of it. She said that she had been talking to her psychologist about the possibility that I was seeing a guy for about 3 weeks. She was hurt to have it confirmed but not really surprised.
We talked , I mean really talked, about me being gay and tried to figure out where to go from that point. Divorce? Only if that's what she wanted, but it would prove to be monumental hardship on her as she would have to take care of everything by herself. She was, and is, so totally dependent on me that this prospect scared the hell out of her.
She wanted me to go to counseling. I did, though I didn't know what she was expecting me to get from it. Her shrink recommended another in his office and I went to see her. She basically told me that I didn't really need to be there, but suggested that I bring my wife in and she what her thoughts and expectations were.
Surprisingly, my wife just wanted me to have somebody to talk to about all of this. She further shocked me by saying, in front of my counselor, that I could see men, but she didn't want to know about it. WOW! Don't ask-don't tell...
I took me awhile to get over the hurt and anger of David's betrayal. But I finally did. I wanted to let him know that I forgave him, but how? I knew he wouldn't take my calls, and dared not write to him or go by his work or house. I wrote to the pastor of his church, without mentioning any names or details of or relationship. I simply told him that I had had a falling out with one of the members of his congregation and wanted to tell them that I was sorry and that I forgave them. I never got a reply.
Then I found Joey's business card and wrote him a letter telling him basically the same things, but included the love affair, again not revealing names. I asked him to call me, if he was willing to relay my message. Again no response.
I was feeling frustrated and needed closure, so I wrote a second letter to Joey telling him of my meeting with him and identified my lover as his brother, David. No response from Joey, but David called my wife a few day's later and told her that I was constantly bothering him and that there had never been an "affair".
He said that it was all just a product of my sick mind and that if she didn't get me to stop, he would get a restraining order. I was aware of who was calling and picked up the extension and listened as lie after lie rolled out of his mouth. She hung up and said that she had thought that "this was over". She told me to "leave that poor guy alone". I assured her that all I was doing was telling him I forgave him, and that I would never make any form of contact again. And I haven't, not once.
That's it. The whole thing. The only thing that remains are the questions I have. What did I do to make him hate me so much that he would hurt me so badly? Was I that far off thinking he was a decent guy and that he loved me? Could somebody who has genuine love for somebody else betray them like that? I will never know.
The End
Afterword
It hasn't happened yet, but I am expecting some feedback from some of the stuff that I wrote to David in my final letter to him (in Chapter 5). I expressed some of my spritual feelings and this might have caused some to become upset with me or at least confused.
As I wrote this letter, it needs to be understood that I was writing to somebody who, like myself is a Chrisitan. Being Christian and being gay, for someone of my background and age is somtimes not personally compatible. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with all of this. Add to the facts that my church affiliation is and has been Southern Baptist and I think you begin to understand my inner turmoil. Desire and guilt have played tug-of-war with me all my life.
I am not here as an evangelist, nor am I about to condemn ANYBODY for their beliefs. Honestly, I don't feel entirely comfortable with everything in my life, but I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. Some things I will not understand fully until I am able to be with God and receive his answers face-to face.
Of this I am certain, I am Chritian and I am gay. It no longer matters how this all came to be. The God who made me, loves me, and I cannot bring myself to believe that the feelings I have were given to me to be denied for a lifetime. I have experienced deep and very real love with a man, and I KNOW that it was right, and it was good. I hope that I can share myself this deeply and completely with another someday.
Thanks for your continued reading of my stories. I really do appreciate your comments and look forward to receiving your messages. ben_sc@hotmail.com
Ben