I'm not connected to Dawson's Creek in any way. This is a fan fiction story and isn't supposed to reflect on the sexual preferences of the actors who play the characters. All characters are the property of Sony and Outerbank Entertainment and copywrited to them.
It's been two years, almost exactly, since I last updated the story. This is the final chapter that's been floating around somewhere in my mind all this time. Because it's been two years, the story is still set back in the spring of 1999, and anything that's happened on the show since doesn't come into play. I hope you enjoy. :-)
Pacey Witter walked quickly through the darkness, his heart pounding in his chest. His mind was buzzing, a million different thoughts crashing into each other, all blending together to form the only real coherent thought: I just kissed Dawson.
Pacey began to walk even faster, as if by doing so he could escape what had just happened up in Dawson's bedroom. As if running would allow him to somehow go backwards, to erase these last few tortured weeks.
Ever since the day Pacey had accidentally discovered Dawson and Jack having sex, he hadn't been able to think about anything else. That had also been the day Pacey had discovered that Dawson had feelings for him.
Dawson. Pacey had loved him forever. First as a best friend and then, as the years went on, in a much deeper way. Pacey had been so afraid of what that love meant that he'd buried it beneath the facade of the Class Clown and, later, he'd even made love to Ms. Jacobs. And Andie, he couldn't forget Andie. Pacey truly loved them both, but never in the way he loved Dawson. He enjoyed making love to them, but there was always something missing. Something beyond his reach with both of them. Something that he sensed would never be beyond his reach if it were Dawson he was making love to.
No! Pacey couldn't think that way. He'd never let himself. He couldn't ever be with Dawson. He couldn't ever be gay. Not on the outside. Only in his innermost, private world could Pacey Witter ever be gay.
But tonight, he'd gone against all that he'd always promised himself. He'd gone to see Dawson after his brother, Doug, had told him that Dawson had been the victim of blackmail because of his sexuality. Pacey had had no choice but to finally admit to Dawson that he knew about Leery being gay. And, just as he'd always feared, that talk had led Dawson to admit his feelings for Pacey. Which was when Pacey had let down all his defenses, just for a few moments. But that's all the time it took for him to kiss Dawson and ruin everything.
Pacey stopped walking and looked around, not quite sure where he was. He'd left Dawson's in a blind panic and hadn't stopped since. He was pretty much in the middle of nowhere, on a deserted road at night. Not that he was lost. Capeside wasn't that big a town and Pacey had lived there all of his life. Still, he'd have to turn around and backtrack a little if he wanted to get home.
"And then what?" he muttered out loud. He wasn't sure. He couldn't see Dawson again. But that wasn't realistic. They were best friends, shared classes at school, and a job at the video store. There was no way he could not see Dawson again. Unless he left Capeside right now, forever. He could hop on a boat, sail away. He'd always dreamed of doing that. What did he have left in Capeside? He'd ruined the only friendship he ever truly valued. He and Dawson could never go back to the way things were, but Pacey couldn't let things be the way Dawson would want... the way Pacey wanted them to be, too. But he couldn't. He couldn't be that person. Could he?
The thought froze Pacey in his tracks. Could he? He'd never questioned that before. He'd always just told himself he couldn't be, that he wouldn't be. That no matter what he felt on the inside, the outside world would have a straight Pacey Witter. He'd have girlfriends, and maybe a wife and some kids later on. Because even though he didn't believe it was wrong to be gay, it wasn't right for him. It wasn't right that he had those feelings for Dawson. Not for him. For others it was fine, but for Pacey? He was enough of a screw up as it was. Why add to it?
But now, for the first time, it was a question, not a forgone conclusion. Could he? Could he let himself be with Dawson? Could he let himself be gay? Not just on the inside, but for real? Could he let that become a true part of who he was, of how other people saw him?
His family would never understand. He could see the look on his father's face already. One more outrageous screw up from Pacey. One more check in the disappointment column. Really, wasn't that it? Wasn't that what had been holding him back? The fear of his parents reaction? Of his friends' reactions? Of the world suddenly seeing him for who he really was and not just the person he pretended he was?
He was in love with Dawson. Couldn't he show that? He already had, with the kiss. He'd taken the first step. He'd cracked the facade just a little, but one crack had made the entire thing weak. It would be so easy to destroy it completely and let the real Pacey show.
Pacey often acted with bravado. He'd spit in a teacher's face not too long ago. Why, then, couldn't he do the same now? Why couldn't he just say to hell with the consequences and spit in the face of anyone and everyone who had a problem with him being gay? Wouldn't it be worth it, to be with Dawson?
Pacey began walking quickly again, this time retracing his steps back to Dawson's house. His mind was still buzzing, his heart was still thumping loudly in his chest. But now there wasn't anything he was running away from. As scary as it was, he'd somehow already lost his grip on the person he'd always pretended to be. Now there was just Pacey, the real Pacey, racing through the darkness towards the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
Jack McPhee walked slowly along the waterfront, his eyes fixed on some point out in the distance where the dark sky met the equally dark shadow of the water.
His eyes were red from crying and his nose was swollen and bruised. Every time he breathed in there was a sharp throbbing of pain that seemed to envelope his entire face.
Not that he didn't deserve the pain. What he'd done was so wrong. What had he been thinking? Of Dawson, of course. Jack loved Dawson so much that his reasoning had become increasingly clouded lately. His fears that Pacey had feelings for Dawson had gotten the best of him and when he'd discovered Pacey asleep in Andie's room, he'd done a very stupid thing.
Of course, that stupid thing had at least told him all he needed to know. Pacey did love Dawson. And it was only a matter of time before Dawson realized it and the two of them got together.
Jack had fallen in love with Dawson the first time he'd seen him. Even though Jack had been desperately trying to be someone he wasn't at the time, he'd fallen hard. His poem about Dawson was what led to him coming out in the first place. After he'd been forced to read it in class, everyone had know he was into guys.
Because of Jack's relationship with Joey, he and Dawson had gotten off to a bad start. But when Jack had stumbled upon Dawson jerking off and calling out Pacey's name, it had seemed like fate. Dawson was gay, too. And they were finally together. Jack was never happier in his life than he had been with Dawson.
But, it was all a fantasy. The sex had been real, but there hadn't been any love. Not on Dawson's part. Dawson had told Jack that much himself, that afternoon at school. But Jack had refused to believe it. He'd thought that if he could just get Chris Wolfe to leave Dawson alone, everything would be okay. That in time, Dawson would love him back just as much. But that wasn't going to happen.
And now, he'd lost a good friend on top of everything else. Pacey had stood up for him and been so supportive when he came out. And how had he repaid him? By taking advantage of him.
All he'd ever wanted, really, was to be loved back. For someone to think about him whenever they were apart and want to hold him and to always be there for him when he needed to talk. Someone he could make love with as easily as he could laugh with and just hang around with. He'd hoped to find that with Dawson, the only guy he'd ever loved this seriously.
"I really made a mess of things," Jack sighed to himself. There was no other way to look at it.
"Join the club!"
Jack jumped at the sound of the voice and felt the adrenaline rush that accompanies a sudden jolt to the senses. He stared at the guy who was leaning against the railing a short distance from him, looking out at the water. Jack wasn't quite sure if he was talking to him or not.
"Hey! It's you. I... wow, what happened to your nose? Are you okay?" the guy asked with growing concern, as he reached out and gently touched Jack's cheek, turning his head to get a better look at the bruised nose in the light of an overhead lamp.
"I'm fine," Jack said, twisting away.
"It's Jack, right? We met at the fair. I took some pictures of your friend Joey, remember?" Colin Manchester asked.
Jack nodded, he remembered Colin very well. Both he and Joey had thought Colin was interested in the lovely Ms. Potter, but then he'd asked Joey if Jack was seeing anyone. Joey had set up a date between them, but Jack hadn't been ready for that yet. Hadn't, in fact, been interested in anyone but Dawson Leery.
"Are you sure you're okay? You weren't attacked, were you?" Colin asked, his face a mixture of worry and anger that someone had done something like this.
"I'm okay, really. I wasn't queer bashed, if that's what you think. I deserved this, believe me," Jack sighed.
Colin looked at him for a moment without saying anything and then smiled. "If you say so, Jack. So, I heard you say something about making a mess of things before, and I just wanted to welcome you to the club."
"The club?" Jack asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah. I'm the charter member. It doesn't really have a name, but if you're the type of person who starts out with the best of intentions and somehow manages to screw up any and all relationships, you're qualified to join,' Colin laughed softly.
"Then you'd better sign me up, man. Because I've made a real mess of my life. I thought coming out was hard, but what I didn't realize was that it was just the beginning!" Jack said, looking out towards the water once again.
"I know what you mean. You want to talk about it? I'm a good listener and I've probably been there before, in some way or another. I'm the King of messed up relationships. If I wasn't such a romantic, I wouldn't keep trying," Colin smiled.
Jack couldn't help noticing the way Colin's eyes sparkled when he smiled. He smiled a little himself and then winced at the pain from his nose.
"Careful. That's going to be painful for a few days. You should put some ice on it," Colin advised. "Now, come on. I'm listening. From one tortured soul to another, we'll share our stories of heartbreak. Consider it an initiation ceremony for the club. You first."
Jack smiled again, unable to help himself. He leaned against the railing next to Colin and began to tell him everything, amazed at the ease he felt with this guy who was a virtual stranger. Maybe it was just having someone to talk to, but suddenly Jack didn't feel so alone and hopeless after all.
Since Pacey had climbed out of his window, Dawson had barely moved. He still lay on his bed, clutching his ET doll to his chest. His mind replayed everything over and over again, in a continuous loop.
The way Pacey had leaned forward so slowly, the way he'd pulled Dawson into the kiss. The electricity that had passed through him at the moment their mouths had met. It was everything Dawson had ever dreamed, and more. That kiss was like something out of a movie, pure perfection. But it was better than that, because it was real and it had happened to him.
To him and Pacey. The guy he'd loved for as long as he knew what love was. The guy he'd fantasized about, dreamed about, thought about constantly.
What did it mean? For the first time, Dawson felt a touch of fear. What if the kiss had just been Pacey's way of letting Dawson know he was okay with him being gay and having those feelings for him? What if it hadn't meant the same thing to Pacey as it did to Dawson himself?
After all, Pacey had never indicated he might have feelings for Dawson. He'd never shown any signs of being gay, for that matter. Dawson had seen the proof himself that Pacey liked women. He'd never forget finding the tape he'd accidentally made of Pacey and Ms. Jacobs having sex. It had turned him on and broken his heart all in the same moment.
So what did it mean? And how would Pacey act the next time they were together? Would he pretend it had never happened? Would he make a joke of it, laugh it off? Dawson didn't think he could bear it if Pacey did that. That kiss had meant so much to him, he wanted to hold onto it forever. It was the single most magical moment of his life. The first kiss that really counted, the first kiss that meant anything to him.
Dawson laid there, a million different scenes playing in his head. What could be, between him and Pacey. Some were too wonderful to even dare to hope for, and some were too horrible to even think about. What if Pacey completely shunned him after this? He'd certainly run out fast enough after the kiss.
Dawson wished he'd said something, stopped Pacey from fleeing. But he'd been so dazed from the kiss that he hadn't been able to form a rational thought until it was too late.
Too late. What if it was too late? What if that kiss was all they ever shared? Would it be enough? Could that one kiss carry him through the rest of his life, knowing that at least once, he'd experienced something of true love? Or would it always make everything that followed pale by comparison? And what if-
There was a knock on his window and Dawson jumped up, his heart leaping into his throat. It could have been anyone- Joey, Jack, even Jen. But somehow, he knew. He knew that it would be Pacey.
"Hi," Dawson spoke the word tentatively as he opened the window, not quite sure he trusted his own voice.
"Hi," the word was soft on Pacey's lips as he climbed through the window and stood in front of Dawson, staring into the face that had always made him weak at the knees.
The stood there, silent, for a few seconds. Then Pacey slowly reached out and brushed back a strand of hair from Dawson's forehead. Dawson leaned into the touch, his eyes closing as a soft moan escaped from his lips.
"Dawson, listen. I've..." Pacey stopped, his voice catching in his throat. Dawson opened his eyes and waited, not daring to even breathe.
"I've been in love with you for so long that I can't remember a time I didn't feel this way," Pacey said, the words coming out in a rush. They'd been building up for so long, Pacey felt a little light headed at finally releasing them.
"Pacey, I've loved you just as long. Always. You're all I've ever wanted. All I've ever thought about," Dawson said, taking Pacey's hand in his and bringing it to his mouth, where he softly kissed the tips of Pacey's fingers.
"Dawson, I don't know if I'm ready for this yet. I just know that I love you. And I want to be with you. I want to have a life with you. I want you by my side, forever," Pacey whispered.
"That's what I want, too. You and me, forever," Dawson smiled, leaning forward, his mouth meeting Pacey's for the second time. The electricity was still there as their tongues met and Dawson slid his hands down Pacey's back.
After what seemed all too short a time, Pacey pulled back. "Dawson, I want this so much. You and me, together. I want to be with you in every way."
"We can be," Dawson moaned, leaning in for another kiss. Pacey quickly placed his hand against Dawson's mouth, halting him.
"Not so fast. We're going to have to take this slowly, Dawson. I have to sort things out with Andie before we do anything more. And I don't want this to just be about sex, Dawson. Not with you. You mean too much to me," Pacey explained.
Dawson smiled, resting his forehead against Pacey's and looking into his eyes. "I've waited so long for this Pacey. For you. I can wait forever if I have to."
"You won't have to wait that long, Dawson. And in the meantime, you can take this as a promise of what's to come," Pacey said softly as he pulled Dawson into another deep kiss.
Outside, the stars shone brightly down on Capeside and all it's lovers, be they past, present, or future. They shone especially for those who were forever.
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