Well, hey. I am back. I am so happy. lol Anyway, thanks to you all who e-mailed me. I wasn't expecting such a big response. A lot of you really seemed to like it. I'm glad. Sorry this took a little longer to get out than I expected. I have like the first five chapters all written out, before I even sent the first one, but after reading something the other night, I had to change a couple of things. Don't worry, it's for the better. Now, as for the usual, this is all fake, don't read it if you don't wanna, or shouldn't, etc. One more thing, hope you like it Gary. You better be reading! Don't make me come up there. lol So, no, on wit the story.
Dealing Part2 By: CJ
Stars give off light. The moon gives off greater light. But nothing lights up the night sky, like millions of fireworks going up at one time, light reflecting of a big, beautiful bay. Brian and Justin had wondered down the beach, having to walk almost a mile to reach the viewing spot for the show. Brian had said he had been walking the beaches all day, and knew the perfect spot to watch. And he had known. It was completely empty, being on the side of the bay that was all nature, no development, as of yet. Justin didn't mind the long walk there, giving him and Brian some more time to talk, while being an `official' couple.
"Hey Just, can I ask you something?" Brian said using a name that he had only used when Justin was little. Justin smiled.
"You can ask me anything. I think that's like a rule or something in dating." Brian laughed with Justin as he said that.
"Actually, I don't think there are rules for dating. Especially not in our situation." Brian said grabbing Justin's hand. Justin stopped smiling and looked at the hand intertwined with his own. It was like a warm, wind blowing over him. It felt good to Justin, who had known a lot of bad recently. Justin finally snapped out of it as they came upon the place that they were to bring in the New Year.
"So, you had a question?" Justin said sitting down, pulling Brian by the hand down with him. Brian shook his head.
"Oh, yeah. Umm." Brian voice got serious. "You were gone all day today. I am sure I know what you did. thought about all of this and what happened. That's what I did." Justin nodded, as that was all he had done today. "But. what made you come back? What made you come back to me?" Justin looked at him and smiled as he thought.
"Honestly, all I have wanted to do today was come back to you. I finally just gave in to the feeling. But if you mean, what made me come down here, and believe I wanted to be with you." Brian smiled as he listened to Justin say what he was really trying to ask. "When I came back here, I figured you were in the room. I was I to know you had gone. So I ran up there. I thought you had gone back to NY or something honestly. All the lights were off, I didn't see your suitcase or anything, and I didn't see you. But luckily, you had left the balcony doors open. When I went to shut them, something made me go out there. I guess the ocean is just as soothing to me as you. And. that's when I saw you. You looked so sad and innocent. You hair rustling in the wind, your silk shirt flapping against your skin. That's when I knew. that's when I had to come down here. I don't know what I had decided when I came back up here. I don't think it was this. I don't think I had decided for us to be together. I don't know if it was for me to be gay. I don't really remember. But I mean if it was, then I could have easily." Justin was interrupted by finding himself gasping, and then the loud popping of fireworks.
Brian turned to the sky and gasped also at the site in front of him. It was truly beautiful. The only problem was, Justin was gasping at something totally different. Brian was so distracted, he barely noticed Justin get up, and start running back to the hotel.
As soon as Brian took notice, he was up yelling Justin's name while staying right behind him. The words didn't hit Justin for a couple of minutes when he started to slow and turn around. Brian stopped suddenly in front of Justin. He noticed the tears in his eyes. "Justin, what's wrong? Did I." Brian asked trying to catch his breath, and figure out what had just happened. Justin stopped him shortly.
"No. No. It's not you. I am sorry I took off like that. It didn't really hit me until. I can't believe I forgot. I am so stupid." Justin said chastising himself. Brian looked at him.
"Justin, what is going on? What's wrong?" Brian said trying to make sense of what Justin was saying.
"It's just." Justin tried to calm himself. He didn't know what to say. "JC." Was all that came out. Justin looked down not knowing if it sounded out loud, like it did in his head. Brian looked at him confused.
"As in, your friend, JC of `Nsync?" Brian asked trying to figure where this was coming from. Justin shook his head.
"No, as in my ex-friend, my ex-best friend." Justin said slowly as he turned to continue his walk. Brian took a second before he caught back up with Justin. He wasn't sure what to say.
"If you wanna talk." That was all Brian would allow himself to say. He didn't want press it. He knew he couldn't. Justin had changed so quick, from being the same guy who had been with him these two weeks, the same one he had kissed 20 minutes before, to someone who looked as though reality just hit him. Of course everything had changed so recently for Brian. He was just trying to keep up.
"You know, I never told you the reason I left New York. You told yours, guess I should tell mine." Justin smiled to hide his distance. Not very well. "I said I had to get away from everything for awhile. And I guess that is partly true. Before I left JC told me. and I am telling you this because I completely trust you." Brian smiled and nodded. He felt the same trust. Justin had to start from the beginning. There was no other way he could convey what was running through his head right then. "JC is gay. He told me awhile ago. I found him crying himself to sleep, just because he felt lonely. So, he finally told me after crying on my shoulder. I didn't care. He was my best friend. We have been forever. Right before I told him I was leaving NY, he came to ask what we were doing for Christmas. We always spend Christmas together. Ever since I was five, we were with his parents, or my parents, or both of them, or just us together. he was my best friend." Brian hated himself, for his thoughts were leading to some place, he didn't want to go.
Brian interrupted having to know if this was going where he suspected. "You have admitted your gay, at least I guess you have, so are you trying to tell me that you're not? Or are you telling me that you are in love with JC? Because either way, this is a good time to tell me. Before this gets too much." Brian said strongly, but ready to crumble if it came to those options. He really didn't understand what was going on.
Justin let a tear fall from his face. "Was it coming out like that? I didn't mean it too. Brian, I wouldn't lie to you. I actually don't think I can lie to you. I have told you too much for me to start now. I am not in love with JC. And I guess that I am gay, because I. because I love you." Justin wanted to go and hug Brian, but this was hard. That had just starting dating, not even in it a day and he was already screwing it up.
"Then where are you going with all this JC stuff? I want to be here to help you. You are one of my best friends, you are my. boyfriend. Let me be there for you?" Brian said pulling Justin into a hug.
"I am sorry. I shouldn't have brought this.." Brian kissed Justin in a way that was sudden and unexpected and made Justin stop in mid sentence.
"Yes, you should have. I am the one who is sorry. This just all seems so unreal. If someone had told me three weeks ago, I would be where I am, with you; I would have laughed them out the room. And then we met, really met for the first time, became close, and now we are starting a relationship that neither of us is really, can really understand what to do next. I am just scared this is all going to. fall apart, or not be real. I shouldn't. I'm sorry." Brian said, releasing so much, feelings that had been building long before he and Justin even met. They just happened to coincide with his feelings for this moment. "So, you were saying? Before you left NY.?" Brian said after telling him self he wanted to hear this. Or he at least needed to hear this. For his sake and Justin's.
"He told me he was in love. That he was in love with me." Justin sounded small and unsure. He couldn't think of any other way to put it. He wanted Brian to understand why he was upset without making it sound as if he was falling for JC or whatever else came into Brian's mind. He hoped that would be all right. Brian looked out to the ocean, just as he had been when Justin stood watching from above. "I told him.. Nobody wants to see the ones they love cry. It hurts almost as much as if you were crying for the same reasons. And nobody wants to be the reason that your loved ones cry. And I was they reason he had tears. So, I told him I didn't know how I felt. And I didn't when I left. I was confused, and things were going all wrong for the group, and me and I needed to get away. It was all too much for me. When he told me that he loved me, I told him.. I told him that. That I didn't know how I felt. But I do now." He took his finger and placed it under Brian's chin. He lightly pulled Brian's face to meet his, their eyes locking. "Please don't think I am saying something I not. I see you looking out into those waves. Look at me. I am here for you. You said you have to replace people sometimes, but not this time. I am here. Don't turn away." Justin was pleading now. How had this happened? Things were going to fast. And he knew Brian felt this too.
"Justin, I am not trying to replace you, I am listening to every word you say. I just don't get why this came up, if you don't feel this way. Why, at midnight, of the new Millenium, with me, did you think of JC?" Brian eyes were filled with small tears, trying to escape. Justin saw Brian's force holding them back.
"It's just, he gave me until today. Or tonight I should say to make up my mind. If he didn't hear from me, it meant that I didn't feel the same. And I DON'T." Justin said making sure Brian understand this point. "But, I completely forgot about everything when I met you. Everything that was wrong in my life seemed to be fixed by you. Just being with you. So I haven't called. I haven't thought about it. But then, we were bringing in the New Year, and you asked why I came back, and it wasn't just `cause I thought I was gay too, because I could have known that when JC told me how he felt before I left. It's like." Justin tried to think of something Brian would understand. "It's like I didn't think I was gay, and so it would be easy to fall in love with you, but I fell in love with you and thought, I guess I am gay." The things Justin was saying. about him touched Brian. He too felt this about Justin, but all his life he had thought this moment would never come for him, and that reality wouldn't leave in one night.
"Well, maybe you should go and give him a call now." Brian conceded, letting Justin's hand go. Justin looked at him.
"You really want me to go?" Justin asked, more than the obvious question. If was asking if Brian wanted him to go for good. He voice was shaky at best.
"Justin, we have been together, what, a whole of three or four hours, and look at us. We are already crying and.. This just doesn't seem right between us. There is something not there. There is something missing." Brian looked down as he said this. He couldn't believe it. He had just spent all day crying that he had messed up his chance to be with Justin, and now he was telling Justin to run to another man. Justin nodded and turned away, not knowing what to say.
He got about 4 feet before turning around. "You know," He said getting Brian's attention off the ground. "You say there is something missing between us.but every since I met you, the thing I was missing seemed to be found." Justin's words hit heard within Brian. He didn't say anything though. Letting Justin walk back up the shore. He never saw Justin turn back once. And Justin never did. He hurt too much.
"Hey. I am so, so sorry for calling you at such a god-awful hour. And I am really sorry for not calling you before New Year's Eve. I know I just kinda took off. Left everything kinda unresolved. But I really need a favor." Justin was speaking so fast, trying his best to hide the hurt in his voice, and suppress the tears in his eyes.
"I know what you mean. I would have left if I could too. Don't worry about. Are you OK though? What do you need? You know I am here for you bro." The voice said a little too cheery for Justin, especially at 3AM.
"Well, I have a flight coming in tomorrow coming in at 10AM. I was hoping you could pick me up. Please. I hate to bother you. But I have gotta get out of here." Justin said Brian's image flashing in his mind. `What had just happened between them?' Not just the fight but them even getting together was so. different for Justin. But it was over now. Over before it had even started.
"Like I said, `I am here for you. Always bro. Are you sure you are all right though? You sound. different. And a little anxious to get away from whatever it is you are running from." Justin hated the fact he was so easy to read. People, especially his best friends, always picked up even the slightest things.
"Yeah, I am fine. I will explain when we meet. Just, please, be there."
"Sure. What gate?" The voice asked getting some paper and a pen.
Justin gave the man everything he needed and said his good-byes. He didn't have much time to pack and get to the airport. The flights were pretty empty, nobody wanting to fly with the whole Y2K thing in effect. But he had to leave. Now. He had never heard Brian enter the room, until he turned to find his bags to pack.
"Oh my!" Justin said seeing Brian's figure in front of him. "You scared the crap out of me." Justin said still searching for his bags. He was uneasy knowing Brian had to have heard his phone call.
"You are just going to leave?" Brian asked sadly, with a hint of anger and sarcasm. But his face held nothing but pain. Justin simply nodded.
"Isn't that what you wanted. I wouldn't want to. keep you from finding what you are missing." Justin said with his own sarcasm, and pain.
"You know, when we started off, we were both looking for something. Maybe we can still look together?" Brian was trying to undo what he had done, even though his points were real when he made them on the beach. They both knew they still were. Even Justin had to admit it.
"We can't do that, because along the way, I found what I was looking for. I thought you had too. But I was wrong." Justin was still gathering his stuff, almost having his one bag back to its overloaded status.
"No! Don't say that. Don't ever say that. Even if you get on a plane and leave, don't think you left nothing behind. Don't think this was nothing." He said pointing to himself then Justin. "At least remember that we gave it a shot and it just didn't work out." Justin's headed snapped and looked at Brian. He flinched. "That didn't come out the way I meant." Justin returned to packing.
"Doesn't matter. It's not an `if', about the plane. I already called. My seat is all ready."
"And if I said stay? Stay with me? If I said I was an arrogant jerk who was scared of losing something he didn't understand. But desperately wanted to?"
Justin knew what Brian's eyes were saying, even without looking up. That is why he couldn't look up. He knew they wouldn't betray Brian. They would have the love and essence that Justin had been with these past two weeks.
"I would say, that I need to go before I miss the plane." Brian's tears came like a floodgate that had broken. He still stood tall though, never faltering in front of Justin. Justin grabbed his bags and went to the door. As he reached for the knob, a hand grasped his shoulders. He sighed heavily.
He set his bags down and turned around. "I'll tell you this. If you still want this, us when we next meet on the 13th, I would love to try and not screw things up with you again. I admit I shouldn't have brought that stuff up. But I also would like to be able to, I thought I would be able to tell you anything. But it's not just that. We rushed this. We didn't even know before we met how we felt, and we can't figure it out in two weeks, maybe not even in two years. And I really think we should try the friend thing. Sometimes it means much more than a relationship. And maybe that is all that's in it for us. But I am not going anywhere. You always will know where to find me. But I need to be away right now." Justin finally turned around and picked up his bag. He opened the door and stared at the empty hallway. He couldn't help. In one quick motion he turned to face Brian, stared into his eyes, and he kissed him. He leaned in, took his hand behind Brian's neck and kissed him. It was soft and reassuring, yet distant and misplaced. He leaned back and stared at Brian. Brian nodded confusing Justin.
"You better go, you are going to miss your flight." Brian stood there, slowly stepping backwards. Justin turned his back and before he had a chance to turn around, he heard a slam. The door now separated them physically. However, Justin had never felt so far from someone in his whole life.
"J! It has been two long. I have missed you!" Chris wrapped his arms around his unexpected friend and squeezed hard. Justin couldn't help but smile. He was glad he had called Chris. He was the only one left in Orlando besides JC, and he couldn't call him. That was a whole thing Justin couldn't be ready to deal with for awhile. He hoped he could get over it by the time he had to see JC again. But he shook these thoughts from his mind.
"I have missed you to Braids. It has been too long. Two weeks is like forever for us. Thanks for coming to get me. I wasn't in the mood to call my mom and all. My time away didn't prepare me to deal with all that again." Justin said smiling. He and Chris started walking towards baggage claim as they caught up.
"So, JC is in town. Why didn't you call him?" Chris asked as they exited the airport and they had gotten quiet. Justin looked at him. Was he really ready to go through the whole story again? No. His episode with Brian ran still fresh in his mind.
"Because, you are just as much my friend as JC. I love all you guys." Justin continued staring out his window, trying to stop thoughts of Brian enter his head. That was not going to happen though. Chris had become silent and `I wonder what Brian is doing now?' kept coming up.
"Goodbye." Brian said to the door he had closed so many times on so many important things, in such a short time. He had tried to sleep after Justin had left, but 30 minutes later he found himself packing his things. He had figured Justin had the right idea. He had started this journey to be alone, and get away. He needed it when he was in NY, and he still needed when he was with Justin. Justin just helped him forget he needed it for awhile. But now that he had gone, he was free to finish up. To really find what he was looking for. He just hoped he could find it with out Justin. He had felt so much stronger when he was around. Now he felt small, weak, and, even worse, alone.
January 13, 2000:
"JC, how ya been man," A deep voice boomed from behind him as he sat in the 3rd floor conference room. JC turned around and faked a smile.
"Lance, nice of you to finally come home to us. I felt so lost without someone telling me to do every second." JC stood up and went to hug his fellow bandmate.
"Ha ha ha. You are so funny. Is that what I missed this whole time? Your humor?" Lance looked at him for a second. "Oh that's right." Lance said overly dramatic. "No, it was your sarcasm." His face had turned dead serious causing JC to burst out laughing. They both goofed around for a couple of seconds until they settled until their seats. "So, I came early, because I am always early. I needed to prepare and all. Why are you so early?" Lance questioned him because JC was always late. It was usually Justin's fault, but the point was he was never on time. JC looked at him.
"I can be early. I just thought I would. prepare too." He wasn't fooling anyone. He kept the act though, not knowing to tell Lance what was going on, or even how to approach the subject. He wasn't about to say, `I am waiting to see a man who has pretty much said he doesn't want to be with me in any way.'
JC was taking Justin not calling hard. He had thought it would be easy to get over, and for awhile, he had fooled himself into thinking it didn't matter. And it wasn't that Justin didn't feel the same way, he had expected it. He was still saddened by it, but he would get over it. It would take time, but he would find another, hopefully. He had lost a lot more than a love interest though. He had lost a best friend. He didn't know if he could get that back again. And he desperately wanted to get back what he had. He decided that he was stupid for telling Justin minutes after he told him. And on New Year's Eve he had even told himself that he didn't even want them together, just to be friends like before. But he had talked to Chris.
Chris had told him a couple of days ago, that Justin had come back to Orlando on the first of the year. Chris was still wandering why JC had not been called. All the guys were close, yes, but there was closeness even within the group. Chris and Joey really clicked, Justin, JC, and Lance were close, but Lance usually took control of things, so that left JC and Justin. They had been close before, and being segregated like that brought them closer. Chris was worried. JC played dumb, but knew why Justin didn't call him. He tried to sound careless and as much in the dark, but Chris was too smart for that.
"You know, don't take it personal man. Justin is going through something really serious." Chris had told him when they met for lunch.
"What do you mean?" JC had been concerned with his friend when he didn't call; hearing he was back was a relief. He had too make sure he was OK now. That he wasn't hurting like he was. But why would he? He is the one who didn't call.
"Well, he called me up at like 2 o'clock in the morning, Jan. 1 and told me he was coming in that after noon. He asked if I could pick him up. It was obvious he was running from something. I didn't press it too much, it being so early, and I was dead tired. I just agreed and went back to sleep. Then, when I picked him up, he was so pale, like he hadn't slept or eaten in two days. He was really silent too. He talked only when spoken too, and his answers were short and not so sweet. He got real silent soon, and just stared out the car window all the way home. I took him to my place, he didn't want to go home, and he said he had just gotten out of a hotel in SF." JC's attention was caught.
"Wait, Justin told me he was going to LA. I saw the tickets in his room before I left. I was just walking out after I had." JC stopped when he realized he was going to start rationalizing what he had just done with Justin.
"Yeah, he said he went to LA, but ended up driving to SF." JC was hurt he knew nothing about this. He didn't like not being the one everyone ran to to find out about Justin. "Like I said, don't take it personal. Something happened. It's not you." That was no comfort for JC. Even if Justin hadn't been through whatever it was, he still wouldn't be running to JC. JC didn't know if he would ever run to him again.
"You know, we really need to get up." A voice said sighing. He was talking to the person who lay their head on his chest.
"Do we have to? I am rather comfortable right here." The voice coming from his chest had a hint of sadness hidden in the joke. It knew that he would have to get up.
"We can't be late. We both have stuff to do today." The man still had not moved, despite his objections to do so. He had to admit he was comfortable too.
"We really need to talk before we go though." The head resting on the man's chest got up and looked him in the eye. "It's kinda important." They both nodded as they adjusted themselves to talk.
"What is it you want to." the man knew to shut up as he saw a hand wave him to stop.
"I love you. I have for a long time. And we have been together for almost a year. " The man smiled as the voice mentioned how long they had been together. Mentioned how long they had found what they were looking for. "But we have been together in secret. Nobody knows about us. And I understood it at the beginning, we weren't sure this would last. We weren't sure we would last. But we have. And we have done a pretty good job of it if you ask me." The man lay there, knowing where this was going. The topic had only been brought up one other time, but he knew it was due to resurface. He just didn't know what to say about it. "I don't wanna hide anymore Kevin. I love you. I wanna be with you. In every way. And that means EVERY way. And I am not saying that everyone needs to know. Because I not that shouldn't happen more than you do. But, I think it can be more than just between you and me. I hate this sneaking from one room to the other. Leaving before the sun comes up, or not being able to kiss you around anyone. I can't do it. I think we should say something. What do you think?" The voice no longer held the strength it had when it started. It was now low, and nervous. If Kevin hadn't been right next to it, he might have missed what was said. But he didn't. He heard everything. All he had to do now was respond. "Kevin, what. what do you think?"
Kevin sighed. He was in love. There was no doubt in his mind. He didn't understand it, and didn't try to. He stopped trying to rationalize his personal life a long time ago. It was getting too hard. He just aloud himself to feel what he felt, and he wound up where he was. And he couldn't say he was disappointed. He was happy where he was. "Alex, I don't know. I mean, what is wrong with what we have? For just a little longer any ways? It's too hard right now. We are going to start a tour in two weeks. We have a meeting about it today. I really don't think it is the time to bring up our relationship." AJ looked at him. He was so calm about it. "Don't you agree?" Kevin knew he didn't. But things would be OK if he just kept things like they were for a little while longer. Until he had time to figure out what to say.
"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." AJ got out of the bed and started towards the bathroom. As soon as he got the door shut his back was sliding down it. Kevin had been to smooth about things. Why wouldn't he want to tell the guys? It had been almost a year. One more month and they would have made it. `We would have.' AJ thought to himself. It wasn't long before he decided to do what he didn't want to, but what he had to do. He walked out fully dressed. Kevin looked up from some papers to look at AJ.
"Don't we look nice for a dull meeting?" Kevin hopped out of bed and went to kiss AJ. He knew something was wrong though, when AJ pulled away. AJ always liked the kissing part. He was one of the `It's in his kiss' people. He believed that a kiss said a lot. To him anyway. "What's wrong?" Kevin asked as he put his arms around AJ's waist.
AJ shrugged. "I dunno." Kevin started to kiss his chin when AJ pulled away again. "Wait, I do. There is something wrong, and it is you. It is us. I can't do this anymore. On that bed, I was trying to tell you, we need to tell our friends, or we need to. we don't need to be together." AJ's eyes were welling up. But he had decided he couldn't hide his feelings for Kevin. He didn't want to. And the real test for Kevin was if he wanted to hide it all away or not. AJ just prayed he didn't fell.
"Is that like a treat?" Kevin asked walking away from AJ. AJ shook his head.
"Kevin, I love you. We don't threaten the one we love. We want to be with the ones that we love, we want everyone to know that we are in love. That is all I am asking. Is that really too much?" AJ had been angered a bit by Kevin's hesitation.
Kevin turned and walked back to AJ. "You know how difficult it was for us first to get together. But when we did we were happy, just like this. We hide it from everybody, because we had each other and that was all we needed. Has that changed? Telling everyone will just add more crap that we will have to deal with. We are already dealing with another tour and with Brian's incessant problems with his music and his life, Nick and Mandy are already getting crap.. It will just be harder than it is now. I really don't think we should change anything. I love you, and I want to be with you. The only question that needs to be asked here, is do you feel the same for me?" Kevin looked down at the ground. Kevin and AJ had had only one fight since they had gotten together. It was small, and ended up being nothing to even fight about. But even so, after that they promised never to fight again. They were truly in love and they didn't want anything to ruin that. But now, this didn't just seem like a fight, it seemed like.
"Goodbye Kevin." AJ said between tears as he opened his one drawer of the dresser and shoved it into a bag.
Kevin looked stunned. That was what he had expected. He should have. AJ had been wanting to tell since they got together, but he had held out. Asking him to hold out forever was never the plan, but it seemed to even him, that that is what they had been doing. "What do you mean, goodbye?" Kevin barely uttered the words. Thinking of life without AJ was something he had thought about for a year. They had grown so close so in love. This wasn't what either of them wanted, yet Kevin just stood there, and AJ kept packing.
"Tell me, why? Why can't we tell them? Why can't that know? And you have to tell me he truth. Don't lie. I know when you're lying, and I know the truth. So be honest."
Kevin had never heard AJ be so. blunt. AJ wanted everyone to like him, not hiding who he was to get it, but like him for being who he was. Kevin should have thought about that before the relationship started. He could see that now. AJ never hid who he was, and for him to hide this for a year now, Kevin was suddenly amazed. But he still couldn't let them know. And he couldn't keep AJ caged up any longer. And that is what he felt. As if he was holding AJ back, and he loved him too much for that. The only that hurt more than this little trip to reality, was the reality with out AJ, that he would have to deal. He looked at AJ, dead in the eyes, before turning around and walking away. He would never let AJ see him cry. He couldn't start now.
Orlando. Brian couldn't say he was happy to be back. He had spent the last 13 days as he had suspected, alone. He thought he could find what he was looking for, after Justin had left, but he only found despair. The early morning fight, that had ended something so quickly, replayed in Brian's mind. That was all he could think about. It tore him up inside the whole two weeks he had time alone. Now it was time. The tour was starting and Justin would be there. Brian still found himself feeling the way he had felt when he left NY, but he still was going back. He was going back to everything he had tried to escape. The only reason he could think of was Justin. He stopped looking for everything he thought he was missing when they met. He didn't even think that Justin was what he was looking for until he had lost him, and was alone yet again. He came back for the meeting, at least that was a good reason, but he had to see Justin. He had spent the last couple of days trying to see what he could do to fix what he had done. He still hadn't come up with anything.
"AJ, hey man." Brian snapped out of things when he saw someone reaching for the door. "Bone? Hey?" AJ quickly snapped out of things also.
"Rok! Hey." AJ pulled Brian into a hug. He was happy to see him. He was worried about him, like the others, but he knew some of what was bothering. Kevin had let him in on what he knew, which was more than what the others knew to say the very least. They released both smiling.
"I was kinda worried about ya. You were kinda zoned out. You OK?"
"Yeah. I. just have a lot on my mind. The thing is, are you OK? I was really worried when you left." AJ started opening the door again, letting Brian in first.
"Yeah, I just had a lot on my mind too. Guess we have a lot in common." They both smiled feeling a little more relaxed. They both had missed the usual pattern of their lives. Nothing good came from their freedom along with their `loved ones' new and old.
They both wandered up to the third floor, getting ready for the briefing for the tour. They both were doing a good job at hiding their feelings. They both were also too wrapped up into their own feelings to really take notice of the other anyway.
"Hey Lance, JC, Chris." Brian and AJ both said their hellos. Lance, JC, Chris, Howie, and Kevin had already made it too the building, as well as some of the management. Everyone appeared to just be standing around, waiting for the rest of the guys. Brian kinda wandered of own his own, trying to make small talk with the suits, AJ wouldn't dare look towards Kevin. He knew he would break down and cry, and run back to Kevin no matter what he had to hide. But that wasn't the person he wanted to be. And for Kevin not to be with him, he felt Kevin wasn't the person he had wanted him to be either.
Nick and Joey came in not long after Brian and AJ. "So, are we all ready?" Jason, the manger of the tour, said getting everyone in their seats. He looked around. "I am only counting nine. Who is missing?" he asked still becoming acquainted with the bands. The guys looked around.
"Justin still isn't here." Brian and JC looked down at the table as they heard the all familiar name. Jason sighed.
"We'll give him five more minutes, and then we start with or without him." Everyone remained seated, but turned to continue their conversations. Brian got up and walked out, going to get something to drink. He couldn't take the room any longer. He went to the soda machines and got some Dr. Pepper. Not long after the first drink, he found himself with a visitor. It was JC. He looked him up and down. He didn't seem in a mood much different than Brian, so he took that as a sign that Justin didn't go running to him. He was somewhat relieved. Justin said he would be waiting when he got back, but Brian's mind only saw Justin running to JC for awhile.
"Hey man." JC said as he stood next to Brian. Brian nodded in acknowledgement. They stood in awkwardness.
"So, how did you enjoy the New Year's?" JC asked trying to make small talk. Brian thought he was going to break down right there. He really didn't know how he would handle Justin if he couldn't even handle JC's question. He kept himself together though.
"Actually up until 3AM it was the greatest." Brian was very monotonous. He shared no emotion in his moments or voice.
"What happened?" JC not taking the subtle hints, that Brian was giving. He was not in the mood to talk.
Then the voice came from behind them. The voice they both knew all so well, and a voice they had both longed to hear, as much as they feared it. They turned to see the figure they had both fallen heavily for, and a figure that had left them both behind.
"Hey guys." Justin said simply walking past the guys and going towards the door. "You better hurray. I am sure I am the last, and we are already 7 minutes late." Justin walked in the room, the door shutting behind him. They both stood in awe. What had just pasted them was not someone that either recognized. He appeared cold, and distant. JC had managed to look him over before he disappeared behind the door. He took Chris words in as he watched the young boy's movement. `He looked so pale, like he hadn't eaten or slept in two days.' JC could see it. It appeared that Chris hadn't been helping Justin too much. He still looked pale, and the bags developing under his eyes told his sleeping habits. JC looked and Brian, who was shaking his head, mostly in shame and they both went back to the meeting. To people whom had changed as much as they thought they had.
"Now that we have you all joining us at one time, we can begin. We are only going over the dates and main setup this meeting, so it shouldn't take more than three hours. Everything here has already been decided. No exceptions. We think that you will be pleased though with what we have done." Jason started out a long, drawn out lecture, outlining every aspect of the actually venues. "Brittany, Mandy, and EYC will open first. Then we will have a break, and `Nsync will come out and do the show. Then we will get Aaron Carter, Blaque, and Innosense to come out before the BSB." AJ's head snapped.
"Wait, Innosense is coming with us? I thought that they were not on the bill? I was told that." AJ was getting a little excited. He hadn't see Amanda and so long and missed her greatly. He could never repay Amanda for everything she had done for him. Especially what she had done for him and Kevin. She had been his best friend through it. Kevin never knew that AJ had told Amanda, and he would never find out. Not now, more than ever. The only problem he saw was everyone thought of Amanda and him as a couple. And granted they were, that was a long time ago. She had excepted the fact they had drifted, and she was really understanding about AJ. She was even excited about AJ's involvement with Kevin. He hated dragging her through the motions of love through the guys though. Even though they said they were only friends, everyone suspected more. And AJ never denied it. Kevin had him up on the whole secrecy thing so much; he was willing to go that far. But not anymore. He would just get to be with Amanda now, as best friends.
"Well, plans changed. They got through with their studio work way ahead of schedule. We picked them up. Now, moving on." Jason continued on but AJ stopped listening. He saw Kevin's gaze from the corner of his eyes. He knew he couldn't look at him. They were both hurting too much. And he wasn't sure if he was willing to give up things he stood for, even to be with the one he had believe his soul mate.
Brian's eyes were shifting between Justin and JC. He looked at Justin, starting to notice what JC already had, the paleness, and tiredness in his face. He had seemed to age 20 years in that two weeks they had been apart. He couldn't help but feel responsible. But did he really over react? He couldn't answer himself anymore. He fought an argument with himself debating it much like he and Justin had done that night.
JC's mind was focused on Justin mostly, but his gaze shifted with Justin's to Brian. He had found Justin's eyes fall upon Brian quite often, only for seconds at a time. He had also caught Justin looking at him but quickly turning away when the gaze was returned. Chris had been right. He was running from some thing. That is why he wouldn't look at JC. JC could always tell about Justin, his life, all through his eyes.
Justin hoped no one was looking at him. He knew he had run off, and there were questions left unanswered, but he also knew his appearance. He had dropped 10 pounds in a week, not able to eat anything, or at least keep it down. His sleep was always interrupted by nightmares he couldn't stop, or even remember after they had awoken him.
Tensions in the room, that some knew nothing about, and others didn't know how far it extended, seemed to calm somewhat during the meeting. Both groups gave their comments, disagreeing with Jason rarely. Around 5, the suits were heading out, taken the news back to the opening acts or were unable to make the meeting.
"Now, you all hop a flight in two days Berlin. That is where we are going to start. You will setup and rehearse. We are hoping to get you guys to do a song together or maybe you guys and all the acts. We are not sure yet. After the run through in Berlin, we will make the final decisions. Is that all right?" Jason asked collecting his papers. As soon as they all nodded, he was on his way out the door. "C-ya guys later."
The ten young men sat around the table in silence. They all seemed distant and not really knowing where to do next.
"Hey guys." Joey said breaking the silence that had formed. "Me and Nick were talking on our way in, and we were thinking that maybe for the next two days we should spend time together. We are going to be on tour for awhile. I think each group is pretty close, we just need to work on everyone getting that close. What do you say?" Joey's idea was a good one. They would be together a long time. He got nods from everyone more or less, taken a yes from the silent ones. They all agreed to meet at Chris and Joey's house around 7 to find out what they would do. They all agreed and got out as fast as they could. They were ready to leave.
"Hey Justin." Brian said when he and Justin were the only ones left in the room. Justin turned around and looked at Brian nodding very slightly.
JC hung outside the door waiting for Justin to come out. He had to try and patch up a friendship. That was the most important thing for him right then. It meant more to him than wanting to be with Justin romantically. Maybe they were meant to just be friends?
"AJ, do you need a ride home?" Kevin asked as he held the door leaving the building open for AJ. AJ went through and nodded.
"Actually, I would like a ride to your house. I have some stuff to pick up. If that's OK?" Kevin nodded. He was hurt. He had meant home as his house, as their house. AJ had practically moved in there whenever they were in Orlando and had a chance to stay at their homes. Now it was just a place he had some `stuff to pick up.' He shook his head of these thoughts as he walked with AJ to his car, in silence.
TBC
*OK, I am really sorry this is so shirt and it took so long. Like I said, I had to do a lot of changes. I had a lot of different ideas. Hoped you enjoyed it. Let me know. Send comments and suggestions to witeliteleo@aol.com. The following chapters won't take so long to get out. I can pretty much be sure. ? C-ya!