Dealing with Loss

Copyright John Cook 2007. All rights reserved.

OK. Here's the second part. Yet again I don't know what this story will have in store for us, at least not until I start writing it, although I do have a few ideas. Comments and feedback will as always be greatly received at jcstories+response@googlemail.com (although it may take me a while to reply to them) and I'll pass any flames to the nice red guy once you've sent them to jcstories+hell@googlemail.com.

Oh, better say that the usual disclaimers apply. As with all parts, this story is of gay relationships and sex (Dave: there are a lot of euphemisms and banter in this chapter, but not anything I needed to edit out for your reading – you know what I mean). Story is about loss and grief and the next few chapters (including this one) are not for the squeamish. As someone once said about a great film, what views you bring with you will be strengthened. Whether evil is all around us and can't be stopped, or that love, the good, hope, and faith can shine through in the end. Those that know what film I'm referring to might like to know there is no mushy pea soup being spewing into someone's face.

One more thing. http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/JCstories/ is the yahoo group I've set up for this and my future stories (whether there are future stories is up to you). See? I said the next author's note wouldn't be anywhere near as long! I'll even recap the end of the last part for you!

Last time...

The fact they had spent the whole evening submerged in talking and listening to every facet of each other's lives was cool. Sam had had a niggling feeling all evening that had seemed to be trying to tell him something, and had finally realized what it was. They had been talking about each other so much, Jase and Dave had never been mentioned. "I should really talk to Dan about them later" Sam mused as he put on his t-shirt. Just then he heard a familiar sound from the living room which sent a chill up his spine. Without realizing that he was still in just a pair of boxer-shorts and a t-shirt he ran out the room and sprinted down the stairs. Please say it's just the television. Please, it's just the TV! That sound is coming from the fucking TV! It has to be! It has to be!

He rounded the corner just as Dan had finished tuning the Fender. He froze in the doorway seeing Dan sitting on the couch with a beer on the coffee table with Jase's Strat in his arms. Sam was speechless. He mouth was dry. He felt like every cell within him had just exploded and was dead. As Dan started rubbing his palm up and down the neck of the guitar he needed to say something but couldn't. He was numb and unable to move or say anything. Just then he realized Dan had said something and had missed it. He looked at Dan's face and heard "I said you've got a nice guitar. You never said you played." and his fingers went naturally onto the frets as he was about to play a song. Sam wanted to shout and tell Dan to get the fuck out and never to go to the gym again but couldn't move. He should have told Dan about Jase, he should have, but he didn't. When the fuck will he be out of this comatose state?

Dealing with loss – Chapter Two

Dan had seen Sam's reaction and thought it perfectly natural. After all, every musician knows to treat other peoples instruments with love and respect. He knew he should have waited and asked if it was OK to play Sam's guitar but he couldn't resist. He'd have probably reacted in the same way if someone he didn't know had picked up one of his guitars without asking first. But the instrument that looked like it had been lovingly cared for (even if it did have a few grimy fingerprints on it) seemed to have been yelling "please play me. I need to be loved and played again" and Dan had responded in the same way any guitarist would have. He took a few minutes tuning it in before Sam had run down the stairs as if running from a nuclear explosion from which there was no escape. He thought about a song to play and his fingers instinctively went to the correct position for the first chord without Dan needing to think about it. One thing that was bothering him though was the cold, almost murderous, glare that Sam was giving him.

I need to move before he starts playing it. There's still time to stop him. Why the fuck can't I move or talk! Shit he's starting to play a song. It's, it's, it's... why is he playing that song? I know that intro. That song goes through my head every time I look at Jase's lovely beechwood and black guitar. Why am I hearing that song? Can I talk or shout yet? Damn, I can't. Is he going to sing too? Please, I can't handle it if he starts singing those words. Shit he's started singing. At least I'm able to move now, even if it is just my eyes so all those tears can run down my face. Here comes the instrumental. God he plays so good. But he shouldn't be touching Jason's guitar! No-one has touched that for five years for a bloody good reason.

Dan finished playing the song and Sam was still standing there. Why was he crying? My voice isn't that bad is it? Shit something isn't right here. I'd better put this guitar back on it's stand. There, guitar back where it was as if I hadn't touched it. I never touched it. Fuck I'm going to die here, where's the kitchen? It's on the other side of the room. If Sam goes to get a knife at least I should make it my car before he reaches this sofa. What's in that cupboard Sam's just opened? Fuck it's a gun. He's got a fucking gun in there! Thew, it's just a 2 liter bottle of vodka. He's not gonna bottle me is he? I'd better stop thinking all this shit and say something to him. I'll stand up first though, I can run faster if I'm standing. "Was my singing really that bad?" Sam cuddled the bottle of vodka as if it was a teddy bear he'd had since a child. "You'd best go now before I do something I might regret later." Do I say something else? That look in his eyes definitely was cold and deadly. I'd better take the chance now whilst I still can. Running to the front door he unlocked it and turned quickly to see Sam was still in the same position. "Yeah, I'm going. Sorry if I did something I shouldn't have." and he bolted out the door as quick as he could.

In the safety of his car he couldn't work out what he'd done. The whole afternoon and evening had been perfect. I was actually falling for Sam but what the hell had turned him so cold so suddenly? I guess it's a good job none of that beer had passed my lips. I'd better get out of here before he chases me. Dan drove down the road as fast as he could, noticing the front door to Sam's house was still open and Sam hadn't moved an inch. Once he made a turn he slowed his speed to what the car was used to. On his short drive home Dan couldn't get any answers to the thousands of questions going through his head. Sam wouldn't give him any answers that's for sure so who could he talk to? "Dave. If anyone knows what the fuck I could have done wrong it's Dave."

Parking his car on the driveway, Dan slowly got out and was thinking how he'd manage this. Normally he'd call Dave whilst sitting on the couch but knew he wouldn't be doing that tonight. He opened his bedroom door and stripped to his boxer-briefs and crawled into his bed cuddling up his three pillows. Grabbing the phone he held speed-dial number seven. "This call is going to cost a bomb" Dan muttered as he heard the all to familiar non-UK ring. "Hello? This is Dave." "Hi Dave it's Dan. Sam and I went to the movies tonight and had pizza together." "That's cool. How was Sam? Did he enjoy the movie?" "Yeah he was alright and enjoyed the movie a lot. It seems we even love the same pizza toppings..." "Great. Is the weather still wet and windy there? I heard you were going to have a quite a storm this week" Dave said quickly changing the subject as usual. "Yes it is bloody wet and windy and for once stop skating around your past lover. For fucks sake I need to talk to you about something that happened when we got back to his." Dave knew Dan rarely swore and started to get really agitated when he heard they'd both gone back to Sam's. "You went back to his for a shag?" Dave couldn't believe what he just asked but couldn't think of any other way of expressing himself. "No we fucking didn't. We went back to his to watch the episode of SG-1 we missed whilst we were out that he'd sky-plussed." Dave let out a sigh of relief. "So... ummm... what's the problem?" "Well I grabbed a beer out of his mini-fridge and sat on his sofa while he went to relieve his bladder. Next thing I know he's standing in the doorway in just a shirt and boxers looking at me as if I just committed murder. I can't work out what the fuck I did wrong." "What did you say or do? You must have done something for a change like that." "The only other thing I did was turn on his amplifier and picked up his guitar and started tuning it. He didn't move when I was playing a song although when I finished he looked like he'd been crying." "Fuck! Hold on a sec." Dan heard a phone start ringing on speaker-phone but no-one seemed to pick-up. "Shit! How did he look when he left?" "He had a bottle of vodka in his hand and I thought he was gonna bottle me. He said I'd better get out or he'd regret what he was going to do. Would you mind telling me what I did wrong?" "He was holding it my the neck?" "Nope. It was as if he was cuddling it." "Damn. Hold on I need to make another call." Dan listened to half a phone call only hearing what Dave was saying. "Cindy... I need to leave now and take an extended weekend. Book me on the next out-bound plane from the airport to the UK. I don't care which airport! Check with BA, Virgin, or with one of the low-cost lines. If there's no space in business try cattle or first. I don't fucking care! Heathrow, Stanstead, Luton, Manchester, Birmingham, any bloody plane. Get Greg or Jonathon to meet me at the helipad I'll be leaving my car here. Put the cost of the frigging fuel on my credit card, out of my account, I don't care! This is a family emergency and I need to be in London ASAP. Yes. I'll fly the chopper and one of the guys can bring it back from General Aviation. I'll try and get priority clearance when I'm about 20 minutes out. Call me on my cell when you've booked the ticket. Bye. I said bye!" Dan was shocked at what Dave was saying. "Could you tell me what the fuck you're doing coming back to London?" Dave took a deep breath and answered. "OK. That guitar isn't Sam's it's Jason's. It's not been touched by anyone for five years since the last time Jason played it one evening and didn't come home from work the next day." "Who the fuck is Jason?" "He was Sam's first true love. Even when we were going out Sam would sometimes keep looking at the front door hoping Jason would walk through it. He still hasn't got over it." Dan started to feel sick but needed to know if he'd misconstrued what Dave had just said. "Where did Jason go? Why did they break up?" "As I said, he went to work. He, uh, didn't make it in that day. He was walking and a drunk crushed him between the car and a lamppost. I've not seen Sam since I moved out, but I know him well enough to know what he's going to do with that bottle of vodka and the rest of the drinks in the house." "Shit! I shouldn't have fucking picked up that guitar no matter how much I felt it begging me to. No wonder he was crying when I was playing it... I just thought he hated my singing voice." "You know you've got a great voice. Ummm... which song did you play?" "The first song that came to my mind, Bon Jovi's I'd Die For You. I'm pretty decent at the instrumental too." "Oh fuck, no wonder he looked like he wanted to kill you. Of all the song's that'd probably be the worst to play. I'll be over there in a few hours, can I stay at your place? It would be too weird going back there." "First off, why are you flying thousands of miles to see someone that you dumped for your job? Secondly why was the song a bad choice? Was it their song or something?" "I'm flying because I have to. It wasn't their song, but..." Dan heard Dave gasping for air, what was coming he didn't know but it wasn't going to be nice. "... it was the last song Jason played to him. Go round there and try and get him to open the door. Take your cell, uh, mobile with you." Dave terminated the call. Shit. Way to fuck things up again Dan.

Sam was sitting on the couch looking dejectedly at Jason's guitar. "Why that song?" Sam sighed to himself. "He even played the instrumental like Jase. And that phone is really starting to piss me off." Sam unplugged the DECT base-station from the power socket, turned off the TV and lay down on the sofa and started to sob again. "Jase? Are you here? I miss you so much babe." Sam grabbed the remote and turned on his iPod Nano, selected random, and hit play. As Savage Garden's Truly Madly Deeply started playing through the surround sound Sam shot out of the sofa and looked around. "There are 10,000 songs on that iPod. Why is our song playing? Jase?"

Throughout history, humans have always tried to find patterns between things to explain them. Look in any daily newspaper from any country and you'll find what the "scientists" or a "university" have discovered from their most recent poll or survey. Some of these facts are complete nonsense and were obviously not conducted in a controlled environment. For example, "you're four times more likely to have a crash when you're driving on a mobile phone". That might be true, but what data did they use to come to that conclusion? At least the "67% of statistics are made up" rings true because there are a lot of polls and surveys drawing nonsensical conclusions. Is the narrator making any sense and what the fuck does this have to do with the plot? Well, everything is relative and the human mind is always trying to find patterns even in completely random events. No matter how improbable a combination of events are likely to occur, it is still possible. What conclusions we draw from them is another matter entirely and we sometimes use our beliefs and experiences to help us come up with an explanation.

There was a knock at the door and Sam went over and answered it without thinking. "Oh. Hi Dan I thought it was someone else. Come in if you want." Sam said as he walked back into the lounge. Dan was flabbergasted. Here he was expecting to wake up the whole street shouting and Sam just opened the door and invited him in. He didn't even seem to be upset anymore, although he did look like he'd just seen a ghost. "Look, I'm truly sorry about earlier. Ummm... who are you expecting?" "This is going to sound crazy but I was expecting my ex to walk through the door." Dan thought this would be about the right time to mention Dave even though it was pretty obvious Sam was talking about Jason. "Yeah, Dave said he's popping over in a bit." "What the fuck do you mean 'popping over'. He's on the other side of the pond, not down the road." "He said he'd better check you're alright." Dan glanced at the unplugged phone "he said you wasn't pick up your phone. He sounded worried about you turning to the booze." "Oh great." Sam plugged the phone back in and it started ringing again straight away. "I bet he's driving with a purpose to get to the airport." "Well... not exactly." "Hello Dave? Yes Dan's here. Look can't you go somewhere quieter it's obvious you're at the airport. You've not landed yet? What do you mean you're waiting for clearance? Shit. You'll lose your job. You know I can't handle seeing you again. Yes, that is what's playing. No I didn't, I think my iPod has a mind of it's own. I guess there's no way to change your mind? Alright, I'll see you in a few hours I guess. You'd better be using a hands free kit. Hmmm, bye then." Sam put the phone down and looked at Dan. "There wasn't any point arguing with him. I wouldn't have won. I guess I should have told you about Jase and him earlier. By the way, this song was Jason's and mine. Put the damn thing on shuffle and this is the first song it chose." "Yeah, no-one can win against Dave. I remember when he was spotting for me. He'd never let me miss a rep. Are you alright?" "I guess. Shall we watch SG-1 now? Before my iPod decides to play This is How You Remind Me by Nickelback." "Yours and Dave's song?" Dan enquired. As if on queue Nickelback started playing and Sam turned the iPod off and turned the TV back on. "Yeah, it was."

They grabbed a beer each and sat down on the sofa and started watching the latest saga of the Stargate series. Instead of fast-forwarding during the ad breaks they talked to each other and somewhat discussed the earlier events of the evening. Even though they both wanted, or needed, to talk about the guitar incident when either of them got close to the subject they immediately skated around it. Although neither of them really believed in spirits and whatnot, at various points during the evening events and strange feelings had transpired around them which Dan nor Sam could explain – they didn't even bring them up because they each knew they'd sound crazy. They felt as if they were pawns in someone else's game but hid that feeling from each other. They'd been chatting for a few hours and it was the early hours of the morning – or late hours of last night depending on which way you look at it – when suddenly Sam picked up the guitar and turned on the amp and held it out to Dan. "Play something."

Dave got out of the white taxi – they used to be called black cabs for a reason, but now the majority have adverts plastered all over them – and paid the driver. One hundred and seventy pounds seemed a bit high but this was London after all. After the taxi left Dave was left staring at an all too familiar house. He was a little tipsy from the free champers on the flight but he had been giving time to think on the flight while lying down on those nice flat chairs which almost felt like beds. He should have called on his way from the airport, or even used an air-phone, but he was here now and the past can't be changed. One thing he couldn't get his head around was how Sam had sounded on the phone. He couldn't even hear the slightest slur (although the noise from the chopper had made it difficult to even hear Sam). Dave walked up to the door and thought about knocking even though he still had a key but decided against it and sat on the highly uncomfortable seats at the bus stop on the other side of the road.

Why am I even here? It's been four months and I've never wanted to come back but what Dan did earlier I felt a need to come back. I could have turned round at any time. Well, not any time. You can't exactly ask a steward to tell the pilot to turn a plane around at cruising altitude. Maybe I'm here to deal with what happened all those months ago, to get over my past. Opening the bag he got from duty free he unwrapped the multipack of Marlboro Red's and pulled out a pack. He opened the pack of cigarettes and put one between his lips. "Why did I even buy these? I've not smoked in months" Dave said as he put his hand in his pocket and grabbed his lighter. Lighting the cigarette and taking the all-so-sweet first drag he remembered where he got his lighter from. It had been a birthday present from Sam two months before he left. He had known then that he was going to move but didn't tell Sam for another six weeks.

Duty free in hand, cigarette in mouth, he plucked up the courage and crossed the road. After knocking on the door he was surprised to see Dan answer it. The Marlboro dropped from his mouth when he saw what was in Dan's other hand and Dave quickly turned a shade of gray. "Hi Dave, come on in. I was just about to play a song." "That's, that's, that's, you can't play that!" David screamed at Dan. "Sure he can" Sam said forcefully after pulling Dave into the lounge. "He played it earlier before you went on your mission. You made it I see. Drink?" "You know I don't drink much these days" Dave muttered. "It wasn't a question." Sam said as he handed David a glass of wine. "You don't smoke much these days either, so why all the cigarettes?" Dave went from a shade of gray to a shade of red in an instant and all three burst out laughing. "So..." Dave started, "how come Danny's holding the guitar?" Sam and Dan looked at each other. "Sam said something about instruments needing a lot of love and attention and he's not been man enough to give this instrument the joy and stimulation of being played with." Sam grinned at Dan and added "I also said I prefer playing the sax as I get to use my mouth as well as my hands." At this they both chuckled and Dave downed the glass of red in one which Dave quickly refilled.

They spent a few hours chatting about pretty much everything – even talking about Jason – when Dave said he'd better get going. After some lengthly discussion including the fact that Dave still had some clothes in the house and that no cab would pick someone up that was so inebriated Sam had talked both Dan and Dave in staying in the two spare rooms. "Are you going to take the couch then?" Dave asked. "There's a perfectly good master bedroom that hasn't been used for five years. I think it's time I started to move on, and at least if I wake up in the middle of the, uh, morning screaming I've got two caring studs nearby. Night night." Sam said as he retired to bed. Dan sat back down on the sofa followed by Dave. "You alright Dave? You look a bit off color." "It doesn't feel right being here. I shouldn't have come back. I don't even know why I did." "It's obvious you both still have love for each other. That showed tonight. You came back because you still care." "Yeah, but nothings going to happen again. Not the way I ended things. I guess I'm trying to get forgiveness for the things I said and did." "Absolution for your sins?" "I didn't take you for a religious bloke." "Sorry, parents influences. They're all "praise the Lord!" "Jesus loves you!" "show Jesus your love!" and I'm pretty much the opposite. It's quite ironic really how they reacted when I came out to them." "Shit. They disowned you?" "Yeah, but not the way you think." "You wanna talk about it? You don't have to if you don't." "Na, I think it's about time I told someone."

Dave came home from school and sat in the arm chair. His parents were sitting on the sofa watching the news. "Mum, Dad, I need to tell you something." "What is it son?" Dave's dad asked. "I think I'm gay. I've been attracted to guys for a few years now." "It's just a phrase Davey." Dave's mum replied. "No it isn't! I know what I am. I'm gay!" Dave looked at his parents trying to gage their reaction. They didn't look the slightest bit pissed which threw him a bit. "OK. But you've spoken to God about it, yes?" Dave's mum inquired. "No I haven't. I've not spoken to Him for a while. He isn't the greatest conversationalist you know." "Go to your room now!" Dave's dad shouted "and don't expect any dinner until you've spoken to God about what you think you are." Dave went to his room and didn't have dinner that night.

"Shit!" Dan finally said after Dave recounted his tale. "They got over it yet?" "Nope. We don't even speak these days. I guess I was expecting them to react that way but not for that reason." "They're more upset about you not talking to the guy in the clouds than you being gay. How did the rest of the family react?" "Well, my older brother gave me a bit of a hard time about it. He kinda thinks it's something that can be changed through therapy or some other shit. My younger twin brothers are fine with it though. So... is there anything between you and Sam?" "I don't honestly know. There's something there but I'm not sure if it's just one way. We do have a lot in common. It feels really strange talking to you about it though. You always avoid talking about Sam whenever I try." "Look. I hate myself for how I ended things between Sam and I. Not a day goes by when that day passes through my mind and how ashamed I am of my actions." Dave started to sob silently. Dan noticing this straight away put an arm around his friend to comfort him. "I just can't talk about it, I don't think I ever can. I was scared at moments this evening when I looked into his eyes. Did you see what I saw in them?" Dan shifted uneasily not sure where this was going. "I saw compassion and caring love in his eyes, why?" "That's not what I saw." Dave looked at his lap considering his next words carefully. Dan squeezed his shoulder and he tensed, Dan feeling the tension dropped his hand from Dave's shoulder. "I saw pain. I saw excruciating pain and hurt that I'm partly to blame for. I saw anger in his eyes I've only seen once before, when I left here. I expected to see those feelings in his eyes and when I saw them I had to look away from him. What I wasn't expecting or prepared for was what I saw the next time I looked into his eyes. Like you I saw compassion, care, and love. I also saw acceptance and forgiveness. How can he be so forgiving?" Dave broke down on Dan's shoulder, soaking the front of his shirt with warm, salt water. "Let it out man" Dan said patting David on the shoulder. "he's really something, I'll tell you that." Dave sat up again, looking at Dan. "Yes. Yes he is. He is capable of so much. I don't even understand how he's capable of some of the things he can do, but he is. Why he does a job he hates I don't know, maybe I'm to blame for that too. I hope by the time I leave Monday – or before if I have to – he'll be able to move on with his life... to a brighter future with you." Dan was tearing up hearing what Dave and just said. He was stunned (something that was near impossible to make Dan feel, but here he was stunned). "You... you... you think... you think there might be a future between Sam and I?" Dan looked at his friend and saw that he was struggling. Was he thinking about telling him something? Was he trying to say something but not say too much? "Early in our relationship Samuel taught me something. He taught me other things later on too but I wouldn't be working where I am now if it wasn't for the first thing he taught me." David weighed up his thoughts carefully, choosing just how much to divulge. "We were in love with each other. Deeply in love. But I always told him the day would come when I had to leave, and when that day came he could finally look for his second true love. I could never measure up to Jason and I know I'd never be able to even if I spent every second of every day trying. From early on I knew he wasn't truly in love with me no matter how deep our love was for each other. But one thing I knew with every fiber in me was that he would find someone else, someone better than me, someone that could finally heal the hurt that he has inside him from Jason's death. I know how you both feel about each other and feel you are that man." Dan was still stunned, even more so. Dave was still hiding something, he could see that, but he wouldn't push him. Maybe Dave wasn't telling him because it couldn't come from his mouth but had to come from Sam's. He sat there reflecting on his friends speech and then realized he was sitting with his work-out buddy. This wasn't supposed to be the mood in the atmosphere around each other and he needed to change that. "How the fuck did a pen-pusher like you become so emotional and speak with his mind and heart. Dude, you're supposed to either sit in a suit and look scary or be in shorts and shirt working those muscles of yours." A grin spread across both their faces and erased the tension with their laughter. "Sorry bro, didn't mean to get all sentimental and that shit. Must have had a moment of weakness." "Damn straight. Look, it's been a long day and I know jet-lag must be killing ya. We should both get some shuteye. You sure you'll be OK in that room?" Dan knew his mate was going to have a hard time sleeping in the bed him and Sam had shared. "I think so. If not I'll wake you up and ask to switch. It's going to be strange that's for sure, but I've brought my laptop along with me if I can't sleep." "OK then."

They both got up, giving each other a brotherly hug, and walked upstairs retiring to their different rooms. Dave waiting for Dan to go into the bathroom and finish before taking his turn. After having a quick wash and brushing his teeth he returned to the room him and Sam had shared for all those months. Plugging in his phone and laptop to charge he got into bed with his laptop. He started going through all his e-mails and then decided to respond to the important ones – including several from his colleagues and PA checking everything was OK. Once that was done he entered the address for the server on Sam's network. He didn't expect any of his files to still be on there, hell he didn't expect his user-name and password to still work, but they did. All of his files were still there, they hadn't been accessed since the last time he had opened them up. Looking at all the folders he decided to listen to some songs he hadn't heard for a while. He added them all to his music player's play-list and set it to random. Clicking play he lay his laptop on it's side on the floor half-opened laying back on the bed listening.

Dan was sleeping comfortably and soundly. He was usually a light sleeper and found it hard to relax and sleep in an unusual bed but he'd managed without needing any of his regular ritual. Something wasn't normal though. He wasn't seeing the blackness he usually saw when he was asleep. He hadn't had a dream for a long time yet tonight he was and it was peaceful and tranquil and it showed on his sleeping face. After two hours his face started twitching, tears rolling down his cheeks, fear evident on his face to anyone who was there with him. He was having a nightmare and unable to wake from it. In his dream he tried pinching himself – hey it's what they say to do when you want to wake up – but it wasn't working. He was in extreme pain and unable to wake from it.

Sam had been having a peaceful sleep. He'd been dreaming about the good things that had happened in his life. All the pain and sorrow from the past was skipped by as he went through the best times of his childhood into his youth. But then it all went wrong, he was powerless. He'd gone to work and been in pain all his shift. He'd tried to zero in on it but couldn't focus. He'd even been forced to take pain killers from the trained nurse at the gym just to relieve the pain he was suffering. Something was wrong and he didn't know what it was. He left when his shift finished and rushed home quickly. Something wasn't right.

Sam knew this dream and he didn't want to go through it again. He knew the pain he was going to go through when he opened that front door. He parked the car diagonally in the driveway and rushed to the front door unlocking it and slamming it open rushing into the front room shouting Jason's name. No answer. Jason wasn't home. Sam started screaming in his sleep: "LET ME FUCKING WAKE UP! I CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! PLEASE! NOT AGAIN!" but his mind and body wouldn't let him. Maybe he's running late and left a message Sam thought running to the answering machine. It was flashing and he hit play. "You have ninety-seven new messages. First message..." Sam was forced to listen to all these messages again. How Jason had been hurt walking to work in an accident. How he was stable. How he was being rushed to hospital. Jason's mum phoning to say she was at the hospital but they wouldn't let her see him. How the doctors were trying everything to stabilize him again after the trauma from removing his body. That eighty-fifth message saying they'd tried all they can. And that next message saying those words that had torn him up ever since. Why couldn't he have been there to help his love? Why did he have to suffer in pain for seven hours alone? Why did he work through his shift and not take the advice and go home early? Anger and self-hate started rushing through his body as he was forced to listen to the last messages.

Dave was sitting in his bed playing Freecell on his laptop. He'd spent an hour in bed and was restless. He'd looked in on Dave seriously wanting to switch rooms but when he saw how peaceful he looked he couldn't go through with it. Just then a feeling hit him. The house had been so peaceful and calm he shot right out of bed sensing a sharp change in the atmosphere. He tried to focus where it was coming from but it was all around him. The room started shaking and he instinctively opened the door and stood in the door-frame. He'd been taught that that's the best place to be in a quake. After a minute he looked back at the bed he had been lying in and realized where he was. "This house shouldn't be shaking like this. London isn't fucking near any known fault-lines." Then he heard the screaming. Sounds of pure pain and torment. He looked down the hallway to the left past the shaking walls to the room at the end. That sound was definitely coming from Sam. He ran ten steps and stopped. Turning around quickly he looked at the room opposite the one he'd come out of. He was hearing Sam's screaming... in stereo. Guilt was rushing through his mind as he ran to the room his best friend had been sleeping in and threw the door open. What he saw shook him to the core.

Do you hate cliffhangers that much? I know I do and I will try not to end all my chapters with them. But each chapter must come to an end and I had to stop where I did. I had considered ending after Dan and Dave's chat but felt I had to go onto the next bit. Without something to work with the next chapter would have taken me ages to start, looking for a way for the story to go.

I have been asked who the characters are based on and whether Sam is me. I told him yes and that in a way Jason was based on him – telling someone close to you that you based a dead guy on them isn't something I'd recommend! Despite the traits and similarities between the characters in the story and those I know in real life, no one character is based on any one person I know. If you have been there in the past for me, you will likely find your strengths in many of the characters and possibly some of your weaknesses and fears as well.

There is a fork in the plot ahead (how far ahead I don't know yet) but there is a character that no-one will like and those that know me well will know who that character is based upon, and solely based upon. If you've seen Armageddon I'll give you a clue. This character fits with the words spoken after the piece of rock was named Dotty.

I never thought about a dedication for this story, but it seems right to. For Jon, Nick and Joey (the reason I started writing and realizing life was worth living again). For Dave, Sarah, Nicky, Jason, Coz, Cathy, Niel, LJ, Matt, Kev, Andy, Kel, Paul, Jerry, Kevin, Sam, Joe, Brett, Tony, Nicholas, James, Nic, Chrissy, Richard, Dan, Carey, Chris, Matty, Michael, Gavin, Jonathon, and those I've not mentioned (for all your help in getting me this far and being there for me, even if some of us are on different paths now. If they cross again I won't make the same mistake of losing contact, but I won't seek you out. We lost contact for a reason and I know better now than to use technology to get back in touch.)