Oregon:
Oregon is ancient in a way, it feels thick with the past. The humidity, the rain, the moss, the giant ferns, it feels primordial. Ralphie, Todd, Emma, and I make our way to my deck.
"Let's go smoke on the trampoline," Emma states emphatically. Well there is no arguing with her. We arrange ourselves lying down on our backs with our heads pointing to the center and our feet pointing outward. The sun is bright in the southern sky; wispy clouds cover the afternoon firmament. Peace, no one is talking; there is this silence that is fulfilling, the only noise is a sporadic cough or the crackle of the burning joint blurred with the sound of our inhaling.
Ralphie breaks the silence, "So what is the plan for tonight?"
Todd answers with, "Michelle's mom is out of town so she's having a few people over, we should go over there."
"All right, sounds good to me," states Emma while glancing over at me.
Bam, "Oh shit, I think my dad is home, put that shit out"
"Fuck!" Ralphie nearly yells.
"Hey, you guys should just leave before he comes back here, we can meet up somewhere."
"Just meet us over at my house" Todd offers. They scurry around my house; hopefully I can get out of here in a couple of minutes.
I spot Mattie as I walk into the backdoor. "Hey what's up Mattie, why are you two home so early?"
"We're waiting on a shipment of tile, and we have everything else finished so we're done for the day."
"Hey there's a party at Michelle's house tonight."
"No, I can't do anything tonight; I have to pick up Kyle tomorrow morning at like 5am."
"Oh, is he flying in?"
"No he's taking the train."
My dad walks into the room, "Hey where did your friends go," he sniffs around a little, "Oh, smoking some more dope are we?" his statements are operating in climax, "I thought you were finished with that crap, do you want to go through your life in a daze." Then he starts to yell, "What's the matter with you, what did me and your mother do to you, it's bad enough that you're gay, now you're doing drugs, why can't you be more like Mattie!" Mattie was always his favorite, dad's prodigy, he has been dreaming of giving the construction business to Mattie from the first time Mattie picked up a hammer. My other brother, Kyle, was my mom's favorite, after he graduated, it was like she was done with her motherly duties.
Sometimes I kind of feel like I am somehow leftovers, when I told them I was gay it didn't exactly help matters, they kind of let me raise myself after that point, if I'm able to make adult decisions then I would be treated as an adult, it was simultaneously the scariest and most freeing experience in my life. It was last summer, I was fourteen, and I just blurted it out in the middle of dinner when my dad was ranting about these "gays" recruiting teenagers. I went completely nuts; Mattie was laughing his ass off, I had told him a year earlier, he harassed me to tell my parents every day.
In the end, after two days of yelling and then two days of silence, my parents said they would rather have a gay son then no son at all. Also, they surprisingly stopped forcing me to go to church, they don't like the fact that I'm gay but they tolerate it, I guess. Albeit my father likes to bring it up when yelling at me. Also I should say that they do not look at me like they used to, Mattie and Kyle are cool about it, but my parents' situation is a little more complicated, toleration isn't love or acceptance, it just means that they still allow me to live there, they treat me like I'm a leper sometimes, my mother holds outright contempt for me most days. Surprisingly, my dad is the one who is more supportive out of the two of them and he regularly jokes about "fags,"
I side step him and walk out of the house, my dad tries to get my attention, "Sammie, wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," (I'm thinking to myself, in what other way could you have meant it) I ignore him and walk to the high school and pick up my mom's bike, I left my bike there when we got a ride from Ralphie, I start to ride over to Todd's house. I try not to let my parents get to me, but a part of me realizes that they will never look at me the same way just because of who I'm attracted to.
Finally I make it to Todd's, I see Ralphie's squad car parked diagonally in Todd's driveway, he was never good at parking, I can't believe they let him drive the police car around when he's off duty, but whatever. I enter the garage and walk up the stairs and enter Todd's room.
Emma greets me, "Hey Sammie, how was it, I see you made it out alive."
I chuckle, "it wasn't that bad, and I'm here aren't I?"
"So when is Michelle's party?"
Todd looks at his clock, "oh shit, it started like a half hour ago, damn; it took you forever to get here Sammie"
"I had to get my mom's bike before I came over here, I don't want anyone stealing it," I respond.
"Ha, yeah that's a huge worry!" Emma says, while laughing. "So we partying tonight or what?"
"Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here, should we get booze?" I ask.
Todd lets out a sigh, "you have much to learn little one" and then pulls out three massive coolers from his closet, they are filled with beer and wine coolers.
"Holy shit, I thought there was only going to be a few people coming over?" Emma states with her mouth agape.
"Well one must be prepared for anything."
"Wait; does Michelle know how many people are coming over?" Emma asks, and then adds "She doesn't exactly seem like the kind of person to permit a rager at her mom's house."
"What do you think we were arguing about after school?" Todd states while laughing, "She was kind of concerned with the number of people telling her they would be over; I kind of spread the word."
"Oh you prick; I hope Michelle beats your dumbass. I'll probably be called in to break the party up," says Ralphie. We start to bring the coolers down the stairs, Emma loses her grip and one of the coolers tumbles down the stairs, ice, Bud lights, Smirnoff ices, and mike's hard lemonade are scattered on Todd's garage floor, me and Emma start to hysterically laugh, only a few bottles break, Todd and Ralphie salvage the cooler and the unbroken bottles and we make our escape in Ralphie's crown vic.
Michelle's house is out in the country and thank god, If it wasn't we would have a major problem. There must have been around twenty five cars there and it was only 5:30, I felt sorry for the girl and I realized that Todd was a bit of an asshole to invite this many people to his girlfriend's house. As we were rolling up the driveway I could see two more cars pulling up, this definitely did not bode well. We unloaded the booze in her garage and were met by an endless stream of greetings from acquaintances in each nook and cranny of Michelle's house. Emma, Todd and me were trying to find Michelle. And Ralphie decided to exchange his cruiser for his truck. This party was too high profile for him to park a cop car out front.
When we finally found Michelle, she was all smiles and sunshine. If she was mad at Todd, it certainly didn't show, I think she was beginning to realize that this party was going to make her pretty popular if only for a night, plus I think she had a few drinks by the time we arrived.
"Todd, finally, you're here!" Michelle yelled, while practically strangling him.
"Hey Michelle, what's up." I state.
"Nothing, just having a huge fucking party, how have you been?" . . .
Subtle, meaningless conversation, convivial masses. Michelle has always been one of those good girls, me and Emma have never sold her any weed, or her group of friends any weed, which makes the following set of events ironic and humorous to me. Emma grabs me by the arm and takes me into the bathroom, we lock the door and Emma grabs out a freaking quarter pound of weed from her bag.
"Holy shit, Emma do you have enough fucking weed?" I state.
"Don't you see, we can make a whole lot of fucking money tonight," Emma counters.
"Yeah, I guess, but where did you get that?" I retort.
"Ralphie is still growing, so I bought all he had."
"Wow, you think we can unload all of that,"
"Uh yeah, Ralphie sold it to me for four hundred bucks, so if we do this right, we can sell 16 quarters for fifty bucks each and come out four hundred bucks ahead"
I question her, "You think we can sell sixteen quarters?"
"Only thirteen, help me with my scales I already sold three, I just need to divvy it up."
"Emma,"
"Yeah,"
"Sometimes you scare me."
Emma busts out laughing, "It's just business" Emma portions up the weed and I roll a couple of joints for us, I light one up in the bathroom, I know if I go out there with this, we will be attacked by everyone who wants a hit, they're fucking ravenous for ganja out there. Of course I don't know if Michelle would appreciate us smoking in her house, but shit we can blame it on some mystery stoner.
We exit the bathroom and meet back up with Todd, he is shouting at us to do an Irish car bomb with him in the kitchen, an Irish car bomb consist of 11 ounces of Guinness, and a half shot of Jameson and Baileys, Me and Emma are in, we love Irish car bombs. This is selling time, we tell Todd our plan, and he hooks up the rest of the sales, in an hour, me and Emma are four hundred dollars closer to our goal, and we can really enjoy the party without having to worry about the product, plus Ralphie is back and doing Irish car bombs in the kitchen with us.
"ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT!" Jeremy Fisher, your class clown, jockey, chachi type character yells while racing through the kitchen, almost knocking over Kim, Michelle's best friend.
"What the fuck you dumbass!" Emma yells towards the racing offender, "this party is getting crazier and crazier. Mark Wilson, a hot stoner, hippie kid, who is a junior and good friends with Todd approaches me and offers me a sugar cube of acid, fucking acid! It's only seven o'clock, and I'm thinking, this kid knows how to party. Mark is an interesting person, there have been many parties where me, Emma and Mark are the last ones up, and we are discussing politics or religion, or a hundred other things, Mark might be a stoner, but he is like some kind of genius, I wave Emma over.
"Emma, Mark has acid, you wanna drop?" If I do acid it has to be with Emma, we are each other's sitters, we keep each other out of danger.
"Well I guess." Emma states while smiling that mischievous smile of hers.
"All right Mark we're in." Mark seems disappointed that I invited Emma, a little dejected even, like this was not part of his plan.
"All right, but we can't stay here, this scene will freak me out, we have to go over to my brothers house no one is there tonight, and we can walk, it's not that far away."
"Okay lets drop then we'll head over to your brothers, we'll be all right for an hour before we really trip, that will give us plenty of time to sneak away unnoticed."
Todd interrupts all the conversations in the kitchen. "Hey everyone come to the garage I have a surprise for Michelle." We all enter and find a small stage setup, there is a band. It is Todd's band and they start playing Helter Skelter by the Beatles, and Todd starts to sing, it is surprisingly good. Emma, Mark and I head off to the bathroom to take our hits, and we reenter. Emma tells Ralphie that we don't need a ride. Todd is too into his band to notice us leave, damn our plan worked out and I'm amazed. I thought for sure we would get involved in some interplanetary dispute before we got a chance to leave.
Me and Emma leave with Mark and walk to his brother's house. I'm wearing sandals and I feel the droplets of dew brush past and collect on my toes, a distinct cold I can't get enough of. As we enter his brother's house I'm beginning to feel the effects. Part drunken, part stoned, and part transcendental meditation; Mark puts some background music on, at least that is what it is to me. And before I know it, a bright burning scent of pine, that somehow conjures memory. Afternoon with dad:
"Hey I need you boys outside right now," Damn it, he has been doing this all day. I'm thirteen years old. Mattie is exiting his bedroom. Our father keeps having us do small chores all day, he waits until we are settled down and doing something before he makes us help him again. "Help me with this tree." My dad is referring to the row of immature pines lining the property. There is a tree that we continually stake, so it will quit leaning over. I am angry that he keeps asking us to do this. Every spring we take metal stakes and rope and try to correct this tree that is gently listing to the north.
"Why do we do this every year, it keeps going back and leaning over, the ground is wet and the wind blows and it leans, you can't stop that." I argue. I add, "We are going to kill this tree if we keep messing around with it!"
My dad doesn't appreciate this last comment. "Well, either we come out here every spring and straighten this tree out or I'll cut it down."
"Oh, I know, you and mom can't have any bent trees, that would just be unacceptable." After I state this I realize the truth of the matter. He can't have a bent tree, he can't live with this annoyance, and he would rather cut it down or kill it trying to correct it before he would just let it be. Any aberration, idiosyncratic notion, some identifiable imperfection, would automatically fail the outcome; aesthetic choices aren't always so narrow, taste change, fundamentally held truths are harder.
"All right boys, church starts in a half hour, get dressed," fuck, it's Wednesday, that means youth group, me and Mattie are forced to attend. The other teenagers are all right, it's the youth pastor I hate. He is one of those holier than thou types. How fantastic, tonight's lesson is written on the dry erase board in our meeting room, located in the church basement. In bold capital letters, "ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE!" Wow how creative. I've heard passing comments on how wrong it is to be gay in this church, but now tacit conclusions.am I discarded rubbish; resembling hundreds of solo cups, napkins and paper plates after potlucks have concluded in the church's multipurpose room?
Some are willing to forget key attributes and realities; some ignore camaraderie and are reasonably duplicitous, is it afoot, a betrayal of spirit, Judas' kiss. What is there to offer, what is there to beg? I don't know how to affect their logic apprehensively and successfully. Is this really the end point, receiving not the appointment of nature. Compassion seems meaningless in their eyes, the same ones that privately I wept for. An empathetic reaction violated, I am sorry and then not. I gain my soul back, redeem ability within, without, greater truths are erupting inside me. The garner and gather that I moss and create.
Wisdom is all around ripe for any raping. Representations and revelations, this is the central lesson tonight. I leave thinking to myself, wow that was asinine. We head home, its nine thirty I go to my room and lay in bed , I can't get to sleep. What the fuck, did that douche bag actually upset me.
And then it hits me, my family actually believes this shit. I can't believe this, it takes me back, oddly enough, to an anti drug presentation,. "if someone doesn't want to be your friend because you won't do drugs then they were never your friend in the first place," roughly translated, anyone who won't be your family because you are gay, was never your family in the first place. I am breaking down, audibly crying, why do the people that I most want to be a part of reject me. I am crying hysterically, my bedroom door slams open,
"hey are you okay," Mattie grabs me,
"hey what's the matter," I can't talk, and this somehow makes it worse. Mattie is actually a good person. It would make it so much easier if he was completely callous. If he was some complete asshole I wouldn't give a shit. Now he wants to find out what's wrong. I believe that if I tell him he won't ever want to console me again. I have to tell someone though; if I keep this inside much longer, I am going to develop a brain tumor.
"Mattie, I..."
"What dude, just say it"
"I'm..." I gather myself,
"I'm gay!" I say almost shouting.
"Oh" Mattie sits quietly for about a minute,
"Well that shut you up." I state while nervously laughing, was this a mistake?
"Its, all right man," Mattie says slowly,
"Really, you're cool with this?"
"Well, I don't know about cool, but I don't care, you're still my brother, I don't care who you fuck." This wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting, but it was a pleasant one. Back to reality:
"Earth to Sammie," Emma puts her face in front of mine,
"oh, hey, I'm staring into a fish tank"
"I can see that. Come outside, Mark and I are watching the sunset, it's amazing." I make my way outside with Emma. "Hey, take a seat Sammie," Mark beckons me and I take a seat, Emma plops down right beside me.
"Wow, that is amazing." I know it's a stupid thing to say, a little vapid, not much meaning, but I kind of sit in absolute awe. A sense of introspection falls upon us and the back porch is silent with some kind of collective sigh and release of ourselves.
Mark interjects "pollution creates the best sunsets, and in America we are allowed this one last joy from cancerous pain."
Mark is intriguing, that last statement is why I love the guy, he comes up with more random shit than I do. Is it the acid or do I feel that we are some kindred spirit?
Emma gets a text. "Hey, Sammie I need to leave, Ralphie is going to give me a ride, its business."
"What, are you all right?"
"Yeah I have to go back to Todd's; I'll be right back, just stay here."
"Emma, you can't leave me, I think I can feel it right now."
"
It is going to be all right I'll be back."
"Okay, if you have to go that's fine." Emma kisses me, and gives this wondering, loving, generous look and a smirk that leaves me guessing, what is she doing. I question myself. Emma leaves. Mark suggests we come back inside.
"I feel so fucked up right now" I tell Mark. I gently lay myself down on the floor of the living room.
"It's all right, I do too." Mark lays himself down on his side, he is facing me balancing his head on his hand and smiling back at me. He is staring with his bright blue circling eyes, and they are too welcoming. What have I gotten myself into? How can I not reach out. But no worries, self discipline is my virtue. Still, I stare back, and our dilated eyes have found their respective match. My right hand becomes incontrollable, my pinkie touches and quickly retreats from his right hand which is resting on the carpet in front of him, he smirks at me again.
Julia, by the Beatles is playing in the background. Mark grabs my hand, and slowly traces my palm and fingertips. What am I getting myself into? I am pondering this as he traces my hand with his,
"Let me read your palm" states Mark,
"Oh you know how to read palms?" I respond gently laughing,
"No," he states,
I am weak, my hands are my power, he is capturing me, I am no longer my own. I give into his aggression, this is pure, and he is lacing through me. I am shaking, and I don't know if I'm shaking from the chill or from his advances. I realize at this moment that I would submit to any of his progressions. Lights, shapes, geometry, fractals fill my mind and spin perfected patterns around us. I lean forward and my muscles in my neck tense. I must get closer, and what is he feeling? Is this real? Separation, his hand unweaves from mine; my shirt undresses itself with no force or interaction. I am presented for him. Slow draws and sensations follow up my arm to my chest, he is holding onto my body. I stop and my whole body dilates, I feel more contentment than I have in my entire life. I am calm. I give a desperate longing look, I need him to touch, caress, kiss, anything.
His smile disrobes me, and seems to leave him naked before me also. What is this I am sensing, lust, longing, love; my soul aches for his. He is on top of me yet I don't feel threatened. Hands explore my hair, chest, stomach, thigh, face, fingertips tracing my lips; I am harder than I have ever been. A slow gasp escapes, I am completely overtaken, fear grabs and tears, I am petrified and euphoric at the same time. I don't know where my hands should be, I desperately grab for the first time; arm, arse, neck, and I feel his pulsating presence upon me.
So this is passion. Simple twist of fate that I am here, what lottery have I won. I gulp wildly; he is leaning forward, lips matching lips, soft caressing madness, and my first real kiss. Prodding, he demands insertion and I can't deny him, tongues, muscle, taste, this is too perfect. His weight pins me, I am still, no longer shivering, and I feel warmth overtake us. I meet his eyes and soul once again; he is no longer the aggressor. Veracity awakes in me, I need this, no longer a desire, this feeling conquers will. A sudden shift, he is below and smiling at me. I wildly kiss his lips and cheek and neck and nipple. Sudden interuption, "BAM!" like the sound of a car door.
Mark throws me off of him. Misery is present, too quick of a separation. what of myself have I left with him? The shock wears off and we quickly dress, what is this presence.
Emma and Ralphie appear.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Uh, hey,"
Even though we are tripping, we both know to get ourselves around so no one knows about us. I personally don't care if we are discovered, I'm not ashamed about anything I have just done, in fact I am trying to figure out how I can do it again. Emma is the only one at school who knows I'm gay but I have been contemplating coming out all year, so I really wouldn't be distraught if I was outed by my actions with Mark. Of course I don't know how Mark feels, is he gay? Is this just the high? Does he want to do this again? I am swimming in questions, and I think I am peaking at this point. I have to get out of here, I run out the door.
"Sammie!" I hear Emma yell. I am running into the woods surrounding Mark's brother's house.
Tripping Balls:
There is a full moon radiating. The sky blurs and patterns surround me, I am bare foot, the moss sends tingles up to my spine. I feel the expanding squishy life below me and it propels me. The northern lights are in view, at least to me.
Charged particles interacting with pure animal magnetism. I can't believe Mark and I just made out. It was perfect. I should go back. My mind is completely cleared, and no more questions need answering. "Uh oh, where am I?" Did I say that out loud? I decide to stay put. I reach out to the sky, and I am touching dark thickness, the night, and I am stirring the sky. The stars react to my direction. Epiphanies awake and resound,
"Mechanized madness, complete uncaring death, far off terror, starvation, deplorable condition, separation. I don't have to feel it, that button death. Humanity where are you? Find. I know there is a well that is still full, some never ending love. I will never give I will always fight, I will not stand by, while the millions die, kindred souls, kindred spirits. Nature is inviting me back, I have been gone for too long, it tells me to commune once again. Oneness, we are one, not cowed and destroyed, power to us the people, living here in harmonious singularity."
Flittering, glowing fireflies dance and become stars, and stars dance back and form into fireflies, they are landing on me. I feel their pulse, the pulse of the stars, the pulse of the universe. The forest clears itself away and their erratic dance becomes a symmetrical and choreographed ballet. I am being taken away. The softness of the moss grows up and surrounds my body and gently whispers in another language. I ingest the sounds of the forest, I sense complete love and acceptance from the planet, I am one with all and all is one with me, euphoria, ecstasy.
A faint call floats through the air, "Sammie," "Sammie", Its Mark, I hear him calling me.
"Mark", I call out, and then a little louder, "Mark"
He walks into the clearing,
"Oh God, I thought we lost you." Mark's smile makes me laugh, it is so exaggerated and funny and awesome.
"Nope... I'm right here. I'm perfect." I state and somehow believe. Mark strolls closer and folds his arms around me. He whispers in my ear and coursing chills invade my every pore,
"I know you're perfect." A pause, I am lost and found inside this clearing, I know that I won't look at anything the same way. Mark slowly meets my lips with his, damn he tastes so good, I never want this to end. The world and universe is spinning around us the center. Mark parts and states "Let's go back," I pause,
"Okay." I am frightened, my will is powerless when I am around him, and I just give in to him for some reason, I sense this will be a continuing blueprint for our relationship.
"Sammie, what's up with you?" I see Ralphie as I come into view of the house.
"Nothing Ralphie, just letting the Earth talk to me."
"Uh...okay." Ralphie is giving me this totally fucked up look, he looks like my mom.
"Sammie come inside," Emma is rolling on the floor in front of the sliding door. Mark and I enter inside. "Where were you?" Emma questions, "I missed you." Emma stands up and hugs me and starts to dance. The rest of that evening becomes a hazy dream.