Delusion

Delusion Part 4

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Light awakens me:

I am sleeping in an incredibly soft bed., I close my eyes and go back to sleep. I am being spooned; I feel a hand rest upon my chest.

"What the fuck, Emma are you finally trying to fuck me?" I turn my body, Oh shit its Mark, and he's smiling at me. Wow I hope I didn't dream about me and Mark last night. That shit has to be real. Mark leans in and kisses me; I guess it wasn't a dream. YES! YES! I am screaming to myself, I am ecstatic, wait, what all did I do with him; I hope I didn't give it up on the first date, if you would call last night a date. No, I just made out with him, right?

"Mark, I hate to ask you this, but, what exactly did we do last night?"

Mark gets this almost comical, petrified and defensive look on his face. "It's not that I don't remember that we made out, it's just that everything sort of got hazy after that."

Mark's face relaxes, and he lets out a sigh and tells me, "Oh god, I thought you were going to say you were straight or some shit." He lets out a small laugh, and so do I.

I pause and state, "What, has that happened before?"

"Yeah, actually"

"So, back to the original question, what happened, I didn't give it up that easy, I gave a little struggle I hope, we wore condoms at least?"

Mark laughs, "No we only made out, I didn't rape you or anything"

"That's always a plus; I know I can't keep my hands off of me." Mark laughs and gently brushes my hair from my face. It's like I lean into every one of his touches, or just a hope of his touch. I look over at the clock its two in the afternoon.

Mark asks, "I wonder if Emma and Ralphie are up."

"I don't know."

Mark pauses and excitedly states, "Let's find out." Mark races out of the bedroom; damn that kid has some energy for just waking up. I hear a door slam and within a couple of seconds Mark is diving back into the bed, and putting his head under the covers.

"What the hell happened to you?" Mark is laughing his ass off. "What is going on Mark?" He tries to speak but can hardly get it out.

Finally he says, "I just found Ralphie banging the shit out of Emma."

"What, are you serious, that is so fucking crazy."

Mark is catching his breath, "Yeah for lack of a better phrase, Ralphie was pounding that pussy," as soon as Mark said that Emma burst through our bedroom door,

"Thanks for the privacy, and we weren't doing what you think we were doing." Emma is wrapped in a blanket,

"Uh, I'm pretty sure you were having sex with your uncle." Mark states while trying to hold back his laughter.

Emma erupts, "He's not my uncle, he's my step mom's brother, and I am not related to him!"

"Okay, calm down, we all know that." Mark states.

I then try to interrogate Emma, "How long has this been going on?"

Emma softens, "I don't know a couple of months,"

"Huh, I thought Ralphie wasn't hanging out with anyone."

"Well I was hanging out with him, I really don't want Carol finding out, or Joe, I'm only fifteen and he's nineteen, they will freak out." That last part, Emma unnecessarily elongated like a valley girl.

I counter with, "But, Joe married Carol when she was like nineteen and he was forty something,"

"Yeah, but I'm a minor"

"Well I guess it would be weird telling Joe you were having any kind of relationship, let alone fucking your uncle." I'm going to give her some shit for this, I mean it's hilarious.

"Yeah I know." Emma starts laughing, "I guess I should have known you would find out who I'm screwing, you always go CSI on me."

"First of all, that was a complete accident and second of all, I didn't walk in on you two. I didn't know that was going on, nor did I want to find out."

Emma tilts her head and questions me, "Well hey, what are you doing in here with Mark?"

"Oh shut up, this was the only available bed,"

Emma counters, "There's a couch,"

Mark's face was beginning to turn a hundred shades of red, Emma was not going to let this go. Emma stops and looks at Mark, then at me, she squints and then her expression transforms into shock, her eyes get huge and she smiles at me. She then stammers through her words, "Well, hey I'm going to get Ralphie around, I should probably be heading home."

"I'll come with you." I state, "Mark do you have a ride?"

"Yeah I parked at Michelle's, I'll just walk there."

"We can take you," Emma states.

"Okay," Emma leaves the room; Mark shoots me this panicked look, and says "do you think she knows we fucked around last night."

"Yeah, probably," I'm not going to lie to him, "but don't worry she already knew that I was gay, I told her a year ago, and she hasn't told anyone yet, so you're safe there tiger."

Mark's expression calms, "thank god, I was thinking I was going to have to change schools."

I question him, "Mark, does anyone else know you're gay?"

"Just you and Todd"

"Oh, okay, I was just wondering."

Ralphie shouts something and we all get around and jump in his pickup. I'm sitting on Mark's lap, this isn't good, and Emma keeps shooting me these devilish grins. She is going to attack me with questions as soon as we are away from Ralphie. Mark and I are sitting on the far right side. Mark is using his right hand to grab my arm and he glides me back from sitting on his knees to his groin. Oh fuck, he is hard, I can't believe he is doing this, wow, he must be pretty big. I start to blush and look over to Ralphie, he gives me this confused dog expression, oh, if he only knew. Mark puts something in my right pocket.

We enter Michelle's driveway, this place looks trashed from the outside, and I can only imagine what the inside looks like. There are beer cans everywhere and the lawn is fucked from all the cars. Michelle and Todd are outside picking up beer cans and cigarette butts.

"Hey do you need any help?" Mark asks as he exits,

"Fuck yes," Michelle answers. Ralphie backs up and we head out, we sure as hell aren't going to get caught up in cleaning up that big of a mess. I wave at Mark. Ralphie is now out on the open road, silence fills the truck, and we pull up to Emma's house. I get out with Emma; I can't stay in that awkward-mobile with Ralphie any longer, even if this isn't my stop.

I walk inside with Emma; Carol is standing in the middle of the living room, and she gives this scary death stare to Emma and me. Emma is the first to say anything, "Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing, Joe still isn't back, that fucking douche bag, mother fucking, worthless son of a bitch, pile of shit is still gone."

"Well, that's weird." Emma responds. We go to her room as we enter I know exactly what she is going to do, she grabs and hugs me, "Yeah, we both aren't virgins anymore!" she is jumping in the air, "Tell me everything; I can't believe Mark is gay, how big is he? How long have you two been fucking around behind my back?"

I answer, "Uh actually, I'm still a virgin, there isn't much to tell, yes, he is gay, I think he is pretty big but I haven't seen it yet, at least not in the light, and I didn't know he was gay until last night, and more importantly, why didn't you tell me about Ralphie?" Emma looks so guilty, I answer before her, "I was going to tell you about Mark today; when were you going to tell me about Ralphie?"

"Sammie, I'm sorry, but I was just embarrassed, it was so weird with him being Carol's brother." She looks at me with her sad eyes and I let it go, I'm way too happy.

"It's okay; I'm giddy as a school girl after Mark."

Emma laughs, "I know, you do have a glow about you this afternoon." Emma states while batting her eyelashes at me, I laugh.

"I should, he is the first potential date I've met in this town."

"Emma, I have to get going, and I don't need your excuse for why you didn't tell me about Ralphie, everything's cool" Emma hugs me again. and I get up to leave,

"I'll see you later"

Journey to home:

I slowly walk towards my house, wow I need like a week to process. I can't believe what happened last night, I met someone like me, and he's hot. I won the lottery.

Kyle should be home by now, my mom will be freaking out. Kyle is her fucking dream child. I love it when Kyle comes home. My mom becomes the happiest person in the world, I can actually stand her when he is home.

My mom was a housewife until Kyle left and she became completely depressed and heart broken when he left for UCLA. She had empty nest syndrome even though she still had two children living at home with her. She got into real estate and became remote with Kyle gone. I didn't realize how close they were until he left. She is a zombie without him.

Kyle is going to be a doctor and that is all she wants to talk about. She almost lives vicariously through him. I'm both jealous and repulsed. Why does she hold all her hope in him, what is her fucking problem, was she incapable of love after her first child? At least Mattie had dad, I'm left with no one, but I do accept that I don't need them. I guess I always cast them in a suspicious gaze, I was always too independent. I never wanted the bedroom story. I never ran to their bedside because of nightmares. I never needed them in that way. Emma was always my dream parent, a friend not an authoritarian.

The sun is shining and the warmth surrounds me, I steady myself. It's so hard for me to concentrate; my mind is in a million different places. I am almost home. It looks strange from this angle, and perception is so absolute. A guttural feeling immediately transpiring. Why does it feel so foreign when I join with them? I am walking into my house, is it my house? Strange familiarity paired with inhumane, disjointing civility. I am invisible, just being myself, oh, hey a rare smile, at least someone has these. My mom greets me. She takes off work when Kyle comes home. I'm not saddened by the abandonment, I'm not hurt by the tacit removal, I'm frightened by the separation and how natural it is to me.

"Hi,"

"Hi," my mom looks so high, good for her, derangement holds such pleasure

"Hi," why is it so impossible to get on the same wave length as her, it's tremendously frustrating. I want to know her more, but you can't force feeling. I must focus on different, more promising human connections.

My mom tells me in her most excitable voice, "Kyle has just completed his junior year, you should congratulate him."

"Okay," I respond in my most annoyed weirded out tone.

Then Kyle appears. And I give that all too familiar, "Hey what's up,"

"nothing much, what about you?"

"Nothing, how is UCLA treating you,"

"pretty good, what about Sheridan, I grew up here; I know it's a lot harsher."

"Oh, it's not that tortuous, it could be worse,"

"Maybe," Kyle responds and adds, "Hey you should meet my roommate Justin." Kyle goes into his bedroom and retrieves the Greek god Apollo. This guy is gorgeous.

"Hi",

"Hi," I answer back shortly. He has this whole Mediterranean thing going on. He looks Italian maybe Greek. He has short hair and he has to work out. He holds out his hand to shake it, I laugh to myself, what a square, and ouch, his handshake is a little too much, motherfucker.

"So Kyle what are you up to,"

"well, I'm back for the summer, with my roommate Justin,"

"oh, what are you two doing,"

"Well we're going to work for dad."

"Sounds cool," and I pause and smell myself, "damn, I am a little ripe, I have got to bathe." I head to the bathroom, and jump into the shower and wash the untamed love off of my shoulders. Pure teen lust down the drain. I wonder what Mark is doing, I have to call him tonight. I reach into my jeans lying so limp on the ground and in my pocket I pull out the slip of paper, and stare at it, I can't believe myself, I have a number.

I imagine mom will want me to eat with the family, now that Kyle is back. Everything is perfect for her. I think my mom has a mental problem; hopefully she did a lot of acid. The whole family is here, Mattie and my dad are in the living room watching some 1970's Clint Eastwood movie and Kyle and Justin are in the kitchen helping my mom with dinner. Justin is one of those charmers, he is showing my mom some kind of better way to make pasta salad. This is so Martha fucking Steward, and my mom is eating this up. I stand back and let it all in. Everyone actually looks happy right now, and so do I. It hasn't settled in that Mark is mine just yet, but I'm gathering myself in the glow of the idea.

Kyle never comes home, he has lived in LA since he was a freshmen. He would spend his summers there even though he didn't have class, so my mom must be ecstatic that he is staying for the summer.

My mom greets me, "Hey, Sammie did you hear the good news, Kyle and Justin are going to be working with your dad and Mattie this summer, isn't that great, Sammie?" Wow, I totally just called that one out, damn I'm getting good.

"Yeah, sounds good." I think for a second and it hits me, wow that's weird, I could never picture Kyle out there with Mattie and dad. Kyle was never very handy or good with power tools.

"So Kyle, what are you doing tonight?" I ask.

"I don't know maybe meet up with a few old friends and go to the Pub."

"Really, maybe, I'll meet you up there."

"What you're fifteen, you can't get in there."

"Yeah, I can, I know Doris she's the owner and Carol is friends with her, me and Emma go to Pub all the time, and no one gives a fuck."

"Watch your language young man, we have a guest." my mom states.

I then state, "Oh Justin doesn't give a fuck, do you Justin?" Justin says nothing, he just stands there dazed. I really don't care if I make her mad; I know she has said a lot worse than fuck. Hell she has called me a lot worse than a fuck. She is on her best behavior to impress Kyle and Justin. Now it's my turn to embarrass her. This seems like an awful weird time for her to become a concerned parent. I leave the room and travel upstairs. She acts so fake around him. My mom hasn't said a nice thing to me for months, but now that Kyle is here she acts like she is the perfect mother, my best friend and defender of small animals. Kyle would be shocked to hear about the cunt she has been while he was away at college.

Kyle comes up stairs, "hey, what's wrong with you?"

"Uh, mom, she is psychotic, she doesn't show you, but she is a huge homophobe, she doesn't like me, at all. The only nice things she has said to me in the past year were in front of you, to show you how open she is."

"Oh come on, you are being a little too hard on her."

"No, don't believe me, ask Mattie, he'll fill you in."

"All right, all right, believe me it is kind of painful down there for me too, mom is all over the place. Why do you think I came up here?" Kyle states while laughing.

"Okay, okay, it's just suspicious; I don't like her to get away with lying about how she is so supportive of me," I sigh and add, "Well you know what, I guess I don't care. At least her fake is better than her real, plus its good having you back, it's been awhile, and you brought a totally hot friend, so I can't complain."

Kyle laughs. "Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you something,"

"Uh oh."

"It's not bad; it's just that with Justin staying here, I figured that he could stay in your room, since you have a bunk bed."

"Uh, okay." I shoot Kyle a confused look and jokingly ask, "And mom and dad are cool with their fifteen year old gay son sleeping in the same room as a twenty one year old hottie."

Kyle busts up laughing, "Hey you should be ecstatic."

"Weird, Kyle, I don't know how you pulled this one off."

Kyle then leans in and states with a whisper while widening his eyes. "Oh yeah, don't tell Justin I told you, but, he is gay."

"What, are you fucking serious, wow, does he know that I'm gay?"

"Well, yeah I told him when Mattie told me a year ago."

I respond, "Too bad he is too old for me."

Kyle laughs, "Yeah right I saw the way you looked at him."

I laugh, "Yeah but I doubt Justin is into Jailbait,"

"Uh, I also saw the way he looked at you. Ever since I showed him your picture he has wanted to meet you."

I am blushing uncontrollably. Kyle adds, "Just don't tell him I told you he's gay, he wanted to do that." We both head downstairs.

I call Emma, "Hey what's going on, oh nothing, I just feel like shit, I think I'm coming down with something,"

"Oh that sucks."

"Yeah, I'm probably going to stay in tonight."

"All right call me Sunday. I hope you feel better."

Next I call Mark and he tells me the same thing, weird, I hope I don't get sick. This is concerning, I thought we could at least talk for a while. His tone was rushed, if he was doing something else, he should have just told me. Worse yet what if he doesn't want to pursue this. No I'm being paranoid.

More to come