Desperate for Love

Desperate for Love Chapter 3

This story is 100% mine. It speaks to relationships between two young men, so if stuff like that offends you (I can't imagine why it would if you're reading this on nifty), then leave. The situations are based on my experiences, but know that the names have all been changed and the situations have all been modified. If you like my work, I'd like to hear from you... Even if you don't like it, but please try not to be mean. Please respect my work. Don't try to pass it off as your own. Don't post it anywhere else without my written permission...That's about all I can think that I need to write. I hope you enjoy.

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Chapter 3

Never

Ok, enough of this shit now!

It had been over a week since Riley and I broke up...ok, since I got dumped. Yeah, I had put on a strong face for everyone, but inside I was still dying.

Hell! What was I to do? I couldn't tell my parents why I was upset. As far as they were concerned, I AM the quintessential straight boy. I have girlfriends every now and then. I put the swagger in my walk when it's needed.  I occasionally get drunk at parties. I've even smoked up. Shit! I was so far in the closet I'm sure C.S. Lewis was thinking of me when he wrote "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe". (Yeah, yeah, I admit, humour's not really my thing.)

It didn't help that I couldn't even talk about "Riley and I" to my closest friends, Rick included. Our relationship was always soooo top secret. Riley had demanded that I not tell anyone about us and I had agreed. I guess I understood what he feared. Hell, he wasn't even sure that he was gay, so why tell people? That probably should have been my first clue that something was amiss, but alas! They say love is blind.

Don't get me wrong, a huge part of me always wanted people to know. I was damn proud of what I had; of what we had. I wanted to tell the world sometimes, but somehow, I always knew I shouldn't.

OK! Enough already! I hated the fact that even now, after everything; even on the surface I knew that I still wanted him. It seemed like every five seconds he was on my mind. His scent, his smile, and the way he tasted when we made love. I really do love him- more than anyone else in the world.

I needed to focus now, though. I needed to begin living in the present again. My senior year was to start the following day, and I needed to deal with it. This year was far too important for me to screw it up, no matter the reason.

***************************************

Almost two weeks had passed since school started. It was Wednesday of that second week, and having just completed my homework; I got up from my computer desk, turned down the lights and then sat down on my queen-sized bed. Looking at the digital alarm clock sitting on the night stand, I saw that it was 10:24pm. I lazily got up and walked into the ensuite bathroom.

Looking at the mirror I saw a haggard face staring back at me: eyes slightly red and hair unusually unkempt. I turned on the faucet, brushed my teeth and washed my face. Having finished, I dragged myself back into my room, turned off the lights and collapsed on the bed again.

There was a gentle knock at the door.

"Come in."

"Hey baby, how's it going?" It was my Mother, her sweet voice instantly soothing me with its gentleness and confidence.

"Hey Mom. I'm good. What's up?"

"Well, you tell me. You seemed really quiet at dinner tonight, and you haven't really been yourself the last few weeks..." She studied me intently, almost as if daring me to lie to her. "Is everything alright?"

Her concern warmed my heart, but under the same token, it made me nervous. Knowing my Mother the way I did, I knew that I needed to give her an answer she would believe. If I didn't, she would almost certainly continue to worry, and her being worried never bode well with me. At the same time, I knew that the truth and anything close to it was strictly off limits.

"Umm... I'm great, Mom. I promise. It's just..."

I exhaled loudly, thanking God at that moment that the lights were out, and the dim glow from the hall lights were not enough to reveal anything of my face. I've often been told that I wear my emotions quite plainly, and it would have been easy for her to see that I wasn't telling her everything.

"Well, I guess...I don't know... I'm just worried about school. Senior year, you know...college applications, Provincials, the SAT... stuff like that."

"I understand. Look, I know that it seems as though your Father and I don't pay much attention to you, but you do know that we love you very much, don't you?" She asked this almost as if she were pleading with me; willing me to understand.

"Yeah Mom, I know. It's no big deal. You and Dad work hard, I've always understood that. You just want the best for me."

"Yes, we do." She seemed to relax. I saw on her face the metamorphosis of emotions, from fear to concern and then relief. I had said what she was hoping to hear.

 I knew that I had just played dirty; bringing up the one topic I knew my mother would both understand and excuse -- school!  I had just manipulated her into not questioning me further, and for a brief second my mind brought up an image of Riley. I felt that I was no better than he was when he played the "hell" card, and that left me with mixed emotions. On the one hand I felt a brief flare up of anger directed towards him, and on the other hand, I felt...strangely enough, compassion.

Realizing that my actions had so closely mirrored his, I brought both of my hands towards my face and placed my fingers over my eyes.

Almost as if reading my mind, my Mom asked, "Chase, did you and Riley have a fight?"

My heart skipped then began racing. I struggled to control my breathing.

"A fight? Why would you think that?"

"Well, he's a great kid and he was always here. Now, all of a sudden he's not anymore. Also...well..." she started to look uncomfortable "well... since he's stopped coming around you've been looking really miserable...like you've lost your... best friend."

The last little bit was delivered with that penetrating gaze of hers; the one that let me know she was smarter than I gave her credit for. I started getting nervous almost instantly, but there was something about my mother that I couldn't help but find calming. Even if she knew my biggest secret, which all of a sudden I wasn't so sure was still a secret, somehow I knew not to be afraid. I knew she'd still love me. That she'd still accept me. I'd still be her son.

"So, am I right...is that it?"

A flash flood of anger surged through me. I hated that my Mother was so damn....URGGGGGH!!!! Why couldn't she be like other parents...other BLACK parents? Why did she always have to pry, dammit!? So,Riley wasn't around anymore...SO DAMN WHAT!!!

Almost instantly, I felt everything drain from me; all my frustration.

Realizing that I was getting frustrated over nothing, I took a deep breath and calmly replied,

"Yeah, I guess..."

"'Yes' is the word, Chase...not `yeah'. Can you please speak properly? We pay enough money at that school of yours for you not to sound ...like some ...hoodlum."

Rolling my eyes, I sighed.

"Sorry Mom. I meant to say `Yes'. But, you're right. We had a fight and we're not friends, anymore."

I was surprised to feel my face twisting into a sad smile.

"If you don't mind, I'd really rather not to talk about it, please."

I knew that I was being overly factitious, but really, I could care less at that point. I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts.

I heard my mother sigh.

It was laced with a mixture of disappointment and frustration...and just a tinge of hope. I knew that she was only trying to help; to play the only role she could ...but I couldn't let her; not now. What was I supposed to say? `Yeah Mom, he screwed me and then decided to be straight again!'? Even though I figured that she had an idea of my true relationship with Riley, I wasn't ready to discuss it with her. Not yet. Actually, that was the last thing I wanted her to know right then.

"Ok Chase." she said resignedly. She came over and gently kissed me on the forehead. "Have a good night, Ok? Sweet dreams."

"`Night Mom." She began to walk out the door.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?" She smiled.

"I love you, Ok? And tell Dad I love him also, please."

I could see her silhouette outlined from the hall light behind her. I saw her lips curve into a full blown grin and knew that I had said the right thing.

"I love you too, sweetie." And with that she closed the door.

Left alone with my thoughts again, as much as I tried to convince myself that I was over Riley, it was a losing battle. I wasn't sure if I ever would be over him.

The conversation with my Mother began a ricochet of emotions within me; a ricochet so loud and demanding that all of a sudden I craved a very strong dose of music therapy. Lifting my stereo remote from the night stand, I clicked the power button, and set the Boyz II Men CD `Evolution' to repeat on the song "Never".

Over the past few weeks it had become a nightly ritual for me. I would listen to the song and think about Riley while drifting off to sleep.

 Like always, I set the timer for the stereo to turn off in an hour's time, and allowed the song's beauty to guide my thoughts.

The soft, smooth voices singing those powerful lyrics instantly gave me a renewed sense of hope, just enough to carry on.

So many times during the last two weeks I felt like giving up, just forgetting about love. I mean, two failed relationships; both before I was even eighteen? That couldn't be good, right? But, as the song would play I always felt the lyrics wash over me, slowly caressing my consciousness.

This song had become my mantra, a personal affirmation that I wasn't giving up.

In this world today

Love is scarce and far away

And your heart gets so afraid

To trust someone

I was afraid... not so much to trust again, but to love. I knew my type oh too well - guys who fell for guys they knew they could never have- and the signs for guys like me were never good.

I was afraid that I would love and not be loved in return.

I thought I had love with Riley. Hell, I was almost certain I did. A year spent in an official but secret relationship where I constantly offered my body for what I assumed was his exploration and pleasure, but now realized was simply experimentation; ignoring my own needs and desires in hopes of pleasing him. Wasn't that love?

I wanted so badly to keep him...I wanted that more than anything else. It didn't matter that I couldn't tell anyone about us. It didn't matter that we were never together outside of my house.

It didn't even matter that intimacy with him was always physical...he never got that it wasn't his body I wanted...it was always about his soul...his heart.

I saw past all of that. At first, the only thing that mattered was that he had never been with a guy and that in itself... well, the mere idea of being with a `straight' boy turned me on more than anything.

That was only in the beginning, though. Quickly...almost too quickly, I began to feel real emotions for him. Now, that thing that turned me on most in the beginning was now causing me the most pain.

All the times he let you down

There was no love to be found

Well it's not the end

There'll be time to mend

And you'll love again.

Shit! I wanted to scream, but at the same time I wanted to cry and I wasn't sure which emotion I needed to express more just then.

He had more than let me down. HE THREW ME AWAY! And at that realization I felt the pilgrimage of tears cascading down the sides of my face.

I was so sure the first day of school would bring me a distraction that I so desperately needed to help me ignore the pain that had become a constant in my life, but it didn't. Instead, every class was a reminder of my failure; a constant reminder of what I'd lost; and as such, a constant reminder of that persistent ache deep in the recesses of my soul.

Everything reminded me of him.

The way my first period English teacher would absentmindedly touch his lips with that long boney index finger of his when he was thinking too hard—Riley!

The way guys would wrap their arms around their girlfriends in the hallways, ignoring all we single folk like we didn't exist—Riley!

The way everyone seemed so... _Happy!..._just like Riley and I once were. Now, what was there to be happy about?

I felt the hot tears stream down my face with much more urgency than before.

Every logical thought in my head told me to let love be...leave well enough alone...that this was the end of the "Chase and Riley" story.

Every logical thought told me to ignore Boyz II Men... but I couldn't. The more I saw love being expressed, the more I wanted it. Besides, when did logic ever stand a chance against love?

Never

Never let a broken heart

Take a chance for love away

Don't ever let it make you

Fall apart

Never

Never, ever let the pain

Take your need for love away

Never

Oh Never...

It was as if they were singing to me, standing in front of me serenading me; singing their song of hope and frustration sweetly into my ears. Imparting a type of wisdom; pleading with me to forget about Riley, to let him go before thoughts of him destroyed me...and I wanted to, but I couldn't.

I wanted to let it all go. I wanted anything that would stop the pain I was feeling. I wanted to damn it all to hell!....but again... I couldn't.

And I know it seems hard

Open up, let down your guards

But you owe it to your heart

To try again

Oh, comes the time when we must change

What the past has thrown away

Don't take the blame

Don't be ashamed

Throw your fears away...

Darkness...

**********************************************************

As I walked into the school building the following morning, I was comforted by the thought that there was only one day left before the weekend.

De La Salle Collegiate High School- one of Toronto's finest prep schools.  Sighing, I only prayed that today would be a better one.

I looked around as someone screamed my name.

Scanning the developing clutter of students I saw Rick smoothly walking towards me. There he was, a collage of khaki trousers, golf shirt and natural beauty...smiling warmly.

I smiled back at him. Rick was everything that I was not, but he was doing his best to make sure that some of him rubbed off on me. We were two of a handful of colored students (Asians and Hispanics included) at our school. Me, because my parents had the money to pay for it, and Rick because of a scholarship.

Even though he didn't look it, Rick was arguably the smartest in the school. Easily, he got some of the highest scores without even trying.  

Yeah, he could be just a tad bit effeminate when he wanted to be, but get him angry and he became like the Hulk. He could easily teach an offender the lessons of his rough life.

He was tall, just over six feet, and had a really nice swimmer's build. Like me, he was black, just a shade or two darker, and very soft on the eyes. Strangely enough, his looks rarely got him noticed. What did get him attention however, was his sex appeal.

THE BOY WAS SEXY!

Everything about him screamed TAKE ME! The way his pants comfortably hugged his firm, muscular hips, tapering at his narrow waist while adorned with a loosely held belt.

His sexy, lazy `boy' swagger, bouncing gently to the right before rising vertically; almost as if daring anyone to judge him. Beautiful teeth surrounded by full, pink lips.

That's Rick!

When he spoke to you, his eyes locked with yours, almost like two almond-colored tractor beams drawing you into him. He took his time speaking, careful to annunciate every syllable, especially ones that caused dramatic movements in his lips. Adding to his appeal was the fact that you could never figure him out.

You couldn't help but be cliché when describing him... the human mystery, wrapped in a riddle, and hidden in an enigma.

Looking at him, you'd think he was a slacker, but like I said, he wasn't. You could never pin point his sexuality either. Some thought he was gay, others would have sworn he was straight; especially the ladies.

At first, he captivated me. I'd had a HUGE crush on him. I wanted him so bad it took weeks before I could even speak to him and not make a fool of myself, but I eventually got over it. Now, to me, Rick was simply Rick -- my best friend.

"Waz up homie?"

I rolled my eyes almost involuntarily and sighed heavily. Rick knew that I hated street talk, but it never stopped him from using it around me.

So, using my index and middle fingers on both hands to mimic the quotation sign, I responded almost indignantly "Nuttin_' homie...Whad up wit' you, PLAYA!_?"

"Why you always `gotta roll your damn eyes, dawg...and do you always `gotta be so damn sarcastic?"  Rick spat out, sucking his teeth.

I knew that my `preppie' attitude annoyed the hell out of him, but truly, I couldn't help it...well, I didn't want to change.

"What? You think just `cause ya damn eyes hazel, they cute?" he asked with an overly exaggerated look of mock annoyance on his face.

"The same reason you speak the way you do. And yes, because my eyes are cute, I roll them. That's why you've always wanted me, isn't it?" I replied coyly, softening my features and smiling sweetly at him, making sure to slowly lick my lips, giving him an almost teasing glance of my tongue.

"Whatever homie. Annnnyyywayyyyzzz..." The anyway was exaggerated and stretched. "...moving on. I was wondering, what's the deal with you and Riley? You two mad?"

I'm sure he had to have noticed the surprised look on my face, but he quickly continued.

"Firs' y'all always together and now...well go figure!"

I knew that lying to Rick would have been pointless. Like I said, everything about me shows up on my face. It's easy to see when I'm lying, and Rick, like my mother, knew me far too well. I was sure that he would have already spoken to Riley, and whereas, I was willing to bet that Riley would never have told him the true reasons behind our fight, I'm sure he told him that something was up.

(Sigh)... "Yeah well, we fought...now we're not friends. Done deal! OK?"

I tried to sound as final as I could. I didn't want to give Rick the impression the topic was up for discussion. He had an uncanny knack of getting me to confess anything to him, and I really needed to keep this one to myself. Not so much for me, but for Riley. Yes, he really hurt me, but not enough for me to tell our secret; even if it was only to Rick.

"As simple as that, huh?" he asked in a way that appeared to be sincere.

"Yup. As simple as that." I stated matter of fact.

"Well, seeing that you choose to lie to your best friend..."

I cut him off.

"What do you mean `lie'?"

 I was starting to get annoyed. I knew that he was right, and I was indeed lying to him, but he was supposed to always trust me.

Ok, so maybe I'm being just a tad bit hypocritical.

"What do I mean by `lie'?" he stressed the word `lie' in a way that made me feel uncomfortable; like he knew something.

"Well, tell you what...I'll forgive you this time, OK? But only because I understand..."

He got even more serious, "But if you ever lie to me again, Chase, I swear I'll cut your balls off."

I was still too nervous to say anything. I couldn't figure out how much he knew, and I didn't want to give anything away, so I just remained quiet. On about the fifth step of silence, I began to get uncomfortable.

"What am I lying about, Rick?" I asked this time with a lot more humility. Something in me told me to brace myself. Something in the way he was looking at me told me that Rick may have known more than he let on, but whatever it was, I would let him talk to me. No way was I spilling anything!

Rick rolled his eyes at me and looked annoyed. I took the opportunity to chide him a little, hoping to lighten the mood,

"Now look who's rolling his eyes." I smiled.

"What-fuckin'-ever, Liar!. But anyway, I have a message for you."

To say that I was curious would be an understatement. Immediately, I began to think about Riley.

"A message...from who?" I made sure not to sound too eager.

Smirking evilly, Rick replied, "Mr. Thomas, the correct way to phrase that question would actually be, `A message from `whom'?'...not `who'. But, anyway...it's from Riley."

I couldn't help but get excited.

I hadn't heard from Riley since the day of the fight, and even though I was dying to hear from him, I had refused to call.

Sure, I'll be the first to admit that the distance was because of me...I had asked him to give me my space, but the ball was still always in his court. He had to put himself out there now... I risked everything in telling him that I loved him and wanted to be with him, and I was happy to see that he was now willing to risk something.

"What is it? What did he say?"

I couldn't control the way that I sounded. I knew that I was overly anxious, but at that point I didn't care. It only registered that Riley had reached out to me. I'd have to deal with the consequences of showing Rick too much later.

Rick looked at me, his expression somber. "Chase, why didn't you talk to me?"

"Talk about what, Rick?"

"About Riley..."

"What about Riley?"

"ABOUT- THE- FACT- THAT-YOU-TWO-WERE-TOGETHER!...Why didn't you tell me? I thought I was your best friend."

By this time, Rick had already led me into the cafeteria. I turned to face him, only to see a pained, but somehow frustrated expression on his face. I could only hang my head, gluing my eyes to the floor.

Finding an empty corner table he walked over and pulled up a chair, looking at me expectantly when I didn't follow. I glanced left at the clock on the wall hanging over the entrance way-- 8:00am; a full half hour before I needed to be in home room. I walked over to him and pulled up a chair. I still refused to look in his face.

(Sigh)... "He told you, huh?"

I couldn't quite decipher if I was more relieved to finally be able to tell Rick the `big secret' or if I was angry at Riley for telling Rick when he made me promise I never would.

His voice sounded almost sympathetic.

"Yup! Look Chase, the boy's a mess. He came over last night, practically in tears. He told me everything. How you refuse to talk to him...told him you needed space. How you got mad when he told you he couldn't love you---"

WHAT! I was incredulous. Maybe I didn't hear Rick correctly, or maybe I simply didn't understand. I felt my eyebrows furrow.

"What? Back up!!. He told you that I got angry because he told me that he couldn't love me?"

"-the --way --you --wanted --him --to !...You should have let me finish my sentence." Rick stated with his `matter of fact' voice, again rolling his eyes.

"But hold up! Before you tear my head off, know that I don't believe him...I didn't buy his bull for a minute! Well, about you getting angry `bout the love thing anyway. I know you, and I always knew what was going on between you two...there may have been many things NOT happening, honey, but hear me when I tell ya...love wasn't one of um, that shit was for real."

Through all the emotions going through my head at that moment, it surprised me that Rick's camp expression still caught my attention. It amazed me how skillfully he could segue from ghetto thug to something else.

So many questions were running through my head, though. The most important one- did Rick just say that he always knew what was going on between us? How? Did Riley tell him? I was just about to ask him, but as if he were reading my mind, he cut me off before I had a chance to speak.

Shaking his head, "Nah sweetie. Riley never told me nuttin'. At least not until last night; but I saw it. From that first damn day. I saw the looks you gave him... shit! I saw the looks he gave you. Aint brain surgery, bitch!"

I was shocked and had a hard time trying to contain the erupting fit of trembles.

"But you never said anything...Why?" I was barely able to whisper out.

"Well, I figured that if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me. Simple!"

I smiled. "Thanks. So anyway, what's the message?"

Rick dug around in his backpack and withdrew a white envelope. Handing it to me he said, "He told me to give this to you...he also said to tell you that he's sorry `bout the whole `hell' thing...he said you'd understand."

He then got up and walked away, leaving me alone with the letter. I fumbled it open and began reading:

            Sup homie

Right now I'm smiling to myself thinking about that right eyebrow of yours that just shot up Don't worry, I'll try to be proper. I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now, and honestly, I can't say that I blame you. I know that you said that you needed space, but please, just hear me out. When you've been with someone and heard from him every day for more than a year, it's hard to just pretend like he don't matter no more. I miss you Chase. SHIT! I miss you more than I thought I would. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I was wrong, I guess. The only person I want right now...is you.

You have to understand that it's hard coming to terms with who I am. I spent my whole damn life believing I was straight, you know...my whole fucking life, and then almost instantly, I find myself attracted to you. Shit, homie!!

 I tried so hard to just be friends, you know. I would see you looking at me when we hung out, and then I'd look at you to let you know that I knew you were looking, and you'd turn your head in this cute way. I smile whenever I think about you, baby, and then I end up crying. I'm sitting down in Ricky's room right now, writing this, and I'm crying! ME! FUCKING CRYING! I'm crying because I realized this afternoon that I fucked up. I realized this afternoon that I want you back...I need you back, and I'll do anything.

When I came to you that day, I came because I thought that I wanted out of our relationship. From the beginning I thought that what we had was wrong. You know, love is supposed to be between a man and a woman. NOT TWO MEN. I couldn't come to terms with what I felt for you, and everything I knew told me that what we had was wrong. So I became comfortable thinking that it was only sex for me, you know. But then you kept bugging bout us being intimate...bout me kissing you and all that shit. It made me realize that you wanted a real relationship with me, and I wasn't ready for that shit. So, I ran.

Chase, you know I aint like you. I don't stand up and fight. I RUN! I run, because that's what I know how to do best. I aint smart like you! I can't figure things out the way you do. HELL! Right now, I'm still fucking confused. I honestly can't tell you if I want to be straight or if I'm just confused. All I know is that I want to be with you and I want you back. Can't that be enough for right now, baby?  So I came here to Rick. I wanted you to know that I was ready to tell someone. I told him. I told him everything! I need to be with you...pleaseeeeee!. I'm ready to be with you the way you want me to..well almost. Can't we take it slow for a little while longer? You know, we could just chill a bit. See where this goes. I can't say for sure that I'm ready for all that being in love stuff, but I'm willing to try. Call me... please.

            Me

It would be impossible to describe what I felt at that moment; a complex mixture of anger, frustration, elation, and relief. I was finally getting what I wanted,...well almost, but somehow it didn't feel the way it should have felt. I wasn't even aware that I was crying...that is, until a voice jarred my thoughts.

"You alright, bud?"

Ok, so Chapter three is all done with. Thanks for sticking it through so far. I guess I should have said this from the beginning, but this is really not a jerk off story. There will be sex, but not just sex for the sake of sex. This is about a story, and about a life. Let's be honest, not everyone gets to get laid a billion times just for the sake of it...not in real, everyday life, so it's not going to happen in my story. You know what I'd really like to know? Who are you? I mean, demographically, whose reading? So maybe if you have the time, you could send that info when/if you write me about the story. Just like age, and maybe if you're cute :P :  haven00@gmail.com. I don't want to beg, but I will say that it will be a lot easier to write if I know that people are reading. Oh yeah, and don't forget to join the yahoo group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/haven00/. I will post new chapters there first. I look forward to hearing from you all.

Haven