CHAPTER TWENTY - Heroes Held Hostage
I'm sittin' there goin' outta my skull when the phone rings. "Batz here." "Well, if it isn't the Doltish Detective", followed by some snickerin'. "Who the hell is this?" I demand. "It's not your little Boy Friday, at least not yet. Would you like to hear him?" "Put him on the phone this minute. EDDIE! EDDIE! It's me, Mike!" All I hear on the other end is moanin'. Eddie's moanin'. Good Grief, they got him gagged. "At least you know he's still with us." "what the hell've ya done to him?" The sick bastard starts makin' like Rosemary Clooney, "Come on-a my house, my house, my house, and I'm-a gonna give you Eddie!"
EDDIE - I can't believe they actually got the gall to call Mike. I hear them taunting him and I'm bustin' to break outta these bonds and bash 'em. Then the little sicko puts the phone up to my face. I got duct tape across my mouth at the time. My hands and feet are duct-taped to this chair and it's one of them steel jobs. Boy, is this gonna be a long one. They hang up and hit me in the side of the head with the phone. Then, "rip that thing out", and finally they pull that dart out of my neck, "but do it REAL slow". I can feel it being twisted around, stuck in and out in little jabs. I'm losin' my skull by now. Two slugs in the ribs ain't nothin' compared to this, lemme tell ya that. I mean, Holy Hanoi Hilton!
I'm gettin' real sore at this point, that's one of my favorite songs, too, and this guy's just murderin' it. "Where the hell is your house?" "Oh, the usual cliche thing, an abandoned warehouse, corner of 5th and Phillips, that sort of thing." "You guys don't use much imagination, and ya can't sing, either." "You hurt my feelings twice, Mr. Man. Let's see what your Little Boy Friday has to say about this."
EDDIE - I hear them say Little Boy Friday, oh God. I think I'm gonna get it now. One of them picks up a frayed wire, plugged into a wall and taps my face with it twice, sendin' me into orbit, for Pete's sake. "You hear that, Mr. Man? Two shocking insults gets ya two insulting shocks for your Little Boy Friday here."
I'm tearin' my hair out at this point. "Look, okay, uh, don't hurt the kid anymore, I'll cooperate. When do we meet?" "Um, well, I'm sort of free this evening, if I don't have to wash my hair, that is." More snickering. God, I can't stand this guy. I'd love to do to him what he's doin' to the both of us. But that ain't right. The Dashin' Detective ain't no vigilante. I don't go around hurtin' for hurtin's sake. "I'm takin' off now, I'll be there as soon as I can." "See to it."
I get to the old abandoned warehouse. My God, I still think they ain't got no imagination. Darts, electric shocks. Pretty stupid. I knock on the door and one of those creeps opens it up, jammin' a piece into my chest. "Hands up, Boss-Man, it's coffee break time." I walk in there with my hands up, go down a hallway, not many lights are on but for this flashlight in my face. Another voice says, "his arms are going to get stiff, maybe we ought to let him put them down." "Yeah, let's cuff him instead." "Aw, holy crap" They take out one of them plastic jobs they give rioters and wrap it around my wrists like a frickin' torniquet. "Now walk." Then I'm stopped. "Look left, look right, THAT's right, Dick Tracy, THEN walk." Aw, man, these sons of bitches are havin' some fun. Just wait til the tables turn, just wait. I should be ringin' my hands together except they're cuffed in the back, so I'll be wringin' my hands in spirit.
Another dark room. What the hell is with these guys? They got cat's eyes? Or they memorized the layout. I'm directed to a chair at a table, or at least shoved. I park it down and a spot light is shone in my face. "Now, then, you grubby little gumshoe, how much did my ex pay you to come after me?" "I ain't sayin' a word." "Mm, interesting. Chesterton?" "Right, boss" I don't hear anything except a slight thumping sound, and suddenly a scream. My God, it's Eddie. "Eddie! Eddie! Where they got you?"
SMACK - OW - right across the kisser - "never mind that - you can hear him, you know he's still alive, you just don't know for how long". Then this creep starts walkin' laps around me, talkin' down to me, makin' me really wanna bust his jaw wide open. If only I could bust these cuffs. Man, these sons-a-bitches are tough.
"Now, remember being in school - of course you don't seem like you spent much time there, but I'm sure you went at one point or another. Where I went to school, the teachers beat the living crap out of me until I finally gave the right answers. See, she was peeling away the layers of the onion known as lies, deceit and bullshit. Now, do we need to peel away those numerous, thick layers, or do you just cut to the chase?" "I don't care what you do to me, but you just better not harm one hair on my guy's head." "Oh, but that is already being done, you see. As you will bear witness." Another pop and a scream.
EDDIE - Geez, they get me with a dart in the club, now, they're shootin' them things at me left and right. First one hit me in the arm. Okay, bad enough, but it's a usual spot. My arm is big enough to take that whole needle in it. Now, with the second one, I was goin' crazy. They drove that second one into one of my fingertips. They're tryin' to pit the boss-man and me against each other, ya take my meanin'? I can hear him refusin' to give into them and they're usin' all kinds of stuff on me, like, he knows what we're doin' to ya, but he don't care, he's not sayin' anything. "Good, I hope he doesn't. You guys are really gonna pay for this."
Wouldn't ya know it - when I first sit down in the hot-seat, somethin' kinda dug into my back. Somethin' kinda sharp. Somethin' kinda sharp that'd cut anything, and then WHAM, I got it, this'll cut through this cuff, and I can always say my back is hurtin' and I'm movin' around a bit, just to keep from them knowin' I'm sawin' my way out of this mess. HOO-BOY! I can't wait to get outta this thing. It ain't gonna be a pretty story for these guys, lemme tell ya that.
EDDIE - OW! Holy Jesus Murphy, another one. This one's in my leg. "No talking, not from you, but from your big Boss-Man." Every time I'm hit, I have to catch my breath, it really takes a lot outta me. I tell myself to cool it, don't tick 'em off any more than they are. I know they'll make up some reason to keep dingin' me with these, but I don't wanna give 'em another reason. Good ol' creepazoid comes back into the room. "How's it going here?" His partner, who I really thought was my friend, just sneers at me and says, "look at him, all punctured up and nowhere to go. Of course, you know, he can't, but, that's neither here nor there." The two of them laugh. Creepazoid says, "hey, you know, you're kinda sexy when you're in pain." He walks over to me, bends over slowly down to where we're at face level, strokes my cheek with his gloved paw. I start hyperventilating. I'm so disgusted I don't know what to do. If I balk, I get another dart, if I give in, I'm gettin' raped. My hands are the only things that are tied, which is a good thing. I can still move my head back and forth to avoid that lizard tongue from gettin' in my mouth. Or somethin' else. I decided on the dart, after all. I give a kick with one of my legs, he sees it comin' and ducks, then I send myself flyin' backward, fallin' to the ground. The two of them pick me up and put me back into position, then start beatin' the holy crap outta me. I take it to the face, the chest, even the balls. I let out this scream what would wake the dead. "Nah, we ain't gonna get much action outta this one", says Chesterton. Creepazoid agrees with him and asks, "hey, got a light?" Incredible, the guy wants a cigarette? No, it's for somethin' much worse. Chesterton brings out a blow torch, sets up a new dart magazine, all in front of me. Creepazoid says he's goin' back outside to stick it to the Boss-Man some more. Chesterton waves the blow torch over the dart needles over and over again. He then loads up the gun. By now, with everything goin' on, I don't know if I'm cryin', moanin', freakin' out, but I keep sayin' "oh my God, oh my God", thinkin' to myself, "please don't do it. Please don't do it."
I'm gettin' more and more ticked off. What the hell are them two slugs doin' to my boy? In the meantime, I'm cuttin' more and more into the cuff. I start to hear some crackin' back there. I think I'm gettin' loose. BAM! My hand is loose! Well, all right. I'm lovin' this day. Didn't start off too swift, but it's gonna be sweet, lemme tell ya that. I whip out my phone and call the cops, tellin' 'em where we're at, and all. I'm playin' possum, I got the goods, the blue boys are on the way over to pay a call. Yep, I'm lovin' this day. Okay, then, phone goes back in the pocket, hands go back behind the back. I go back to playin' prisoner. Creepy bastard comes back out. "what're doin' to him in there?", I says. "I don't believe that's any of your concern. I'm still conduting this inquisition, not you, Mr. Batz. Ready to talk?" "Not on your mother-country life", I snarl. Another scream from Eddie, only this time, it's worse than before.
EDDIE - The creepazoid is back outside, leavin' me alone with Chesterton, who watches outside at the Boss-man. He gets a signal from creepazoid, and then......and then........"I always thought you were pretty hot, Robinson. So is this." It's like slow motion, he pulls the trigger, deadly dart dispatched. I stare at it comin' at me, one of the ones that were blowtorched, still with a bit of smoke waftin' off it. This one gets me right in the groin. My whole face contorts, my mouth opens as wide as it can, even wider. My whole body goes into spasms, I'm screamin' two, three octaves higher than my voice. It ain't just goin' through the speakers, it even goes right out into the next room. I'm hollerin', weepin' , my legs are kickin' like there's no tomorrow. I'm flyin' into such a spaz attack, my hands break free! I'm hurtin' so bad, I'm so crazy with it, my blood boils, I'm kinda like the Incredible Hunk, I mean, Hulk. Then I break my hands loose. Realizin' I'm free, I pull the darts outta me. Yeah, it hurt, but I didn't care, I was so worked up over this whole thing. I lunge right toward Chesterton. There's quite a rumble in the booth, I tell ya.
I hear all this goin' on and I just cut loose. I lunge right toward this bastard and start givin' 'im what for. I grab him and start slammin' his head against a wall. Just then the cops show up. YES! This whole thing's finally wrappin' up. The Poor Sap is gonna get his due and Eddie and I are gettin' the hell outta here in a little bit. But we got some major ass to kick first. When the cops burst in, I get outta the way, "he's all yours, boys." They order him to surrender, I go up to the booth what was Eddie's prison cell but I find out he ain't there. "Holy Jesus Murphy, what the hell's next?" I see the cops givin' it to the creepy bastard, poppin' him a couple of times. He falls down. Good for him, I says. But you ain't gonna believe what's next. I know I sure as hell didn't.