Detectives Log

This is Chapter Forty-Four of Detectives Log, titled, "Repugnant Republican Rascals". This is part one of a three-parter.

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR - Repugnant Republican Rascals!

EDDIE - Man, oh man, you are not gonna believe this! If me and Mike didn't live through this for real, he'd think I was makin' this up, but here we go. It all started bright and early on a Thursday mornin'. I was makin' breakfast for the two of us when Mike comes up to me wearin' a pair-a handcuffs.

"Hey Eddie - looky here"

Lookin' from my cookin', I turned to him and laughed, "holy jailbait! That's whatcha get for not payin' that parkin' ticket!" "Aw, crap, that ticket's a joke and we both know it, but this isn't. I've been readin' up on how ya can use mind over matter. Here, watch this."

He held his hands up and tried to pry them both apart. His face turned beet red, his teeth were gritted, he was groanin', too - just the way I like him sometimes. Anyway, a couple-a minutes go by and he actually broke the links!

"Holy houdini - how d'ya do that!"

"Just as I says, kiddo, mind over matter. I'm a pretty good built guy, pretty strong, all this steel is just a bunch-a DNA molecules that can be broken if ya fight real good against it."

I laughed again and joked, "boy, that'd come in real handy if we ever turned into bad guys"

Mike grew pretty serious after that. "Eddie, please, don't ever joke about a thing like that again."

"Aw, but, Mike, I was just....."

"Please. It don't take much to turn a good guy bad - now me-n-you met a bunch-a people along them lines and ya know how easy it'd be. Bein' on the side-a good is so precious we can't even joke about crossin' over. It's a gray line about this thin." He was holdin' his thumb and index fingers together.

"Gosh yes, Mike, you're right. But that's still a neat trick there with the cuffs."

Lightenin' up again, Mike says, "yeah, it took a little time to learn it, though, but it was worth it. Anyway, I'm starvin' to death and there ain't no mind gonna get it over THAT matter. Serve it up, Joe!"

MIKE - Just then the doorbell rings - it's new business - a client in crisis - I was about tohit the buzzer and realized I was still in cuffs. Get the keys out, open them babies - CRACK, there ya go. Shame I had to waste these, but, oh, well, I'm a man of the law, I can get plenty of these - Anyways, in walks a CEO type, 3-piece pinstripe suit, salt-n-pepper hair perfectly combed - it doesn't seem to move - he's carryin' a briefcase. I put my hand out for shakin' - "hey - Detective Batz, this is Detective Robinson - how can we help?"

He opens up his mouth to talk, tightens his lip, exhales hard and puts his head down, then looks up again. "Detectives, I hear you're the best in the business. I think my boy's in a lot of trouble and I hope you can help".

I lead 'im to the sofa, "sure, make yourself at home. Ya need anything, like coffee, or somethin' a little stronger?"

"No, thank you, I just ate before I came here. Detectives, this is very difficult to live through much less talk about, I'm not sure where to begin."

Eddie pipes in, "just tell us what's on your mind and what you'd like us to do. For starters, what kinda trouble's your son in?"

"Well, he, uh, he's only 16 years old, stays out pretty late, almost every night. He was once in the running for a Yale scholarship, had always performed very well in school. However, as of late, his grades began to fall - or may I say plummet."

"Gee, that's too bad - ya think he's into drugs, that kinda thing?"

"Well, that's what I'm hoping you'll find out. I tried to talk to him myself, but that came to nothing. I don't think the police department should be involved in this because I'm wary of bad publicity. You see, I'm Chief Executive Officer of..."

MIKE - "Holy crap", I thought to myself, "I had this guy pegged right - score one for the Batz-Man".

"and I don't wish this to be leaked out to anyone. I think this may help you deduce what's going on in my boy's life. I found these under his mattress. I think he may be gay."

"No shit", I think to myself as As I look through the stuff in the briefcase filled with issues of The Advocate, some sports magazines, and other things. Eh, harmless enough. Kid's just jackin' off to 'em. Can't blame him, though - I did some serious strokin' sometimes. Don't have to anymore, though, heh-heh.

"This is of course a serious problem. I think I would be devastated if he was, but I'd like to know for sure, so I can set about healing him."

"Beg pardon?"

"I've heard of clinics and workshops where young boys who are confused about their sexuality are re-programmed and cured of their illness."

"Illness?"

"Why, yes, of course, like alcoholism, drug addiction, even cancer, homosexuality is an illness which must be eradicated, and I would like to do that for my son."

EDDIE - I really had to keep up my poker face on this one. This guy was really gettin' offensive and it all I could do to keep from poppin' 'im one. But I had to say somethin'. "What makes ya think he's sick? Some folks say it's genetic, other folks say it's how a guy chooses to live his life."

"I am the boy's father and I've raised him to live a certain way, the same way I was raised to live and it has given me a perfect life. I need to do whatever it takes to remove what is a sick, ugly stain on my family's reputation. Now, are you going to cooperate with me or not?"

MIKE - I gave Eddie one of these gestures that says "cool it" and I told the guy we'd help 'im out here. Not that I agree with anything he says, but, well, he is a client, he thinks there's somethin' wrong goin' on, and he wants us to do somethin' for 'im here. "I can understand the stress you're under and how much this worries ya and gets ya upset. We'll do ev'rything we can. Now, the magazines will help - do ya have a recent picture of 'im so we can stake 'im out?"

The kid's dad whips out a pic and hands it to us. Holy Red Foley, this kid's pretty hot. He's got the same million-buck haircut like his dad, but it's a really rich brown. Wow, what teeth, this kid's a real smiler. He really picked the right team to play on, he'd be a pretty big hit, I thought. But, anyway, his dad's hirin' us to see what's up.

Dad gives us his card with his card with the address and phone number.

"Let's see - ya know if he's gonna be home tonight, or if he's goin' out? I think we can park a little ways down from your place, then tail 'im that way, then talk to 'im, or somethin'."

"Just find out what he's up to, take photographs and bring them all to my attention. If there's any talking to be done, I'll take care of that, thank you very much. Boys were once arrested and imprisoned for this sick behavior and I think it would do this nation a great service if such a penalty were to be reinstated."

EDDIE - Holy Mc Carthyism

MIKE - Ward Cleaver wrote out a check for the retainer fee. I told 'im I'd let 'im know about expenses and other things. "We'll keep ya posted once we get somethin'. Just hope we can help ya, is all."

"My sentiments exactly, Detectives."

EDDIE - I usually tell people to call me Eddie, but that's a kinda friendly thing, this creep don't deserve that. I'm good with "Detective". Right after the door closes on his butt, too bad it didn't hit 'im there, I had to open my trap. "Holy heartless homophobia - why'd we take his case, anyway? Isn't this a free country?"

MIKE - Eddie was burnin' up here. He was pretty uptight about my takin' the case on, but a gumshoe is a gumshoe is a gumshoe and that's what this guy needs. I had to rein Eddie in a bit. I took him by his shoulders and stared right into his innocent, beautiful wide eyes.

"Now, look, kiddo, the boy is a minor, he's not at an age of consent. His old man is only doing what he thinks is right...."

"...for himself, ya mean."

"Well, that may be true. I wouldn't take this on if he were your age, but unless he applies for emancipation, he's gotta follow his old man's lead, whether we agree or not, he wants to know what's goin' on here. Me-n-you didn't have that, where our dads gave a rat's patoot about us, but this guy does."

"Well, yeah, but all that crap he was comin' out with...."

"....he just doesn't know any better. Maybe he never met any gay guys before, he's goin' by what he heard about 'em. He doesn't know that gay men can be upright, good citizens and all-a that."

At that point, Eddie tightened his lips and nodded. I egg 'im on, "come on, kiddo, bring them hands up, slam that fist in your hand, like I like it when ya do. Say I'm right, come on, I know ya wanna - this is me yer talkin' to, huh?" He's really kinda cute when he does that, that he doesn't really like what's goin' on, but he respects that someone thinks he's doin' the right thing. That's all anyone wants to do is what's right, or what they think is.

"Oh, oh, okay" SLAM - fist goes into the hand, that's a way to make them bi-ceps bulge. Ooh, WOOF! "Okay, you're right again, Boss-Man"

"Spoken like a good boy. Anyways, we gotta get headin' out later on, try to follow this kid."

"Mike, I got an idea. Before we met, ya know, I was hangin' out here and there. I knew a guy who was turnin' tricks. Now, I never did that sorta thing, but he was a good kid. We dated a couple-a times, then when I found out what he was doin', we broke it off."

I was non-plussed. I couldn't believe my Eddie would've hung with that type. "Eddie, that's a felony. What were ya doin' hangin' with that sort."

"Look, I told ya I broke it off when I found out. I was just as shocked as you. Anyways, I left it on good terms, this guy's into kinky stuff, and all-a that, I figured I'd show him this kid's pic and see if he knows a thing or two."

"Well, I dunno, I'm not crazy about this idea of you bein' in them areas."

EDDIE - Now I was non-plussed. "Mike, I'm a crimebuster, I'm not goin' there to get a six-pack, I'm thinkin' of goin' to try to wrap up this case."

MIKE - The arms are folded, the legs are spread-eagle, the look on my face is sterner than stern, the voice, gruff and authoritative. Yeah, this kid's my crimebustin' partner and my life partner but right now I'm becomin' his dad, that I'm old enough to be, let's face facts, and I'm all about the facts.

"Hold on a minute, sweet cheeks, YOU ain't goin' anywhere - WE'RE gonna see this guy about a tip. No way in hell I'm gonna letcha alone in a part like that. There's way too much temptation."

"Temptation? Me? I avoided that sorta thing my whole life. What makes ya think I'm....."

"I know you stayed away from all that stuff before. But that was before I knew ya. Ya didn't have me in love with ya then, but ya do now." I grab his right arm with my left hand and lightly poke his chest with my right index finger. "Now, look, kid, I know yer a good boy and ya don't want any part of that. But I'm a good MAN. Good men look after good boys whether they need 'em to or not, 'cuz that's what good men do when they love their boys, especially THIS good man. Ka-Peesh?" Before I can give 'im a chance to answer, I nod, wink and say "ka-peesh" for 'im. "Now, let's roll."

EDDIE - Me-n-Mike go lookin' for this guy I knew in the old days. I sat shotgun in the car as he was drivin', real satisfied look on his face, both of those real hard, manly hands on the wheel. I start rubbin' his leg up-n-down, the grin on his face gettin' wider. WOOF!

"Hey, Mike"

"Yeah?"

"All that stuff you were sayin' back there, settin' me straight and all - I gotta admit, I kinda got off on it. Kinda turned me on."

"I know."

"Yeah?"

"Course - I see ya gettin' all ga-ga when Batman does that with Robin. See, kid. I always try to give people what they want - I know ya wanted that."

"You're serious! Wow, no way!"

"Big way, kiddo. Why the hell do ya think ya get brash sometimes - 'cuz ya know I'm gonna grab ya, look at ya the way I do, talk to ya the way I do. That is why ya fell for me in the first place. Why the hell else ya think ya get brash sometimes - 'cuz ya know that's what gets me! Oh-ho-ho YEAH, baby! I was watchin' ya deck that thug the night we met. You were really happy to be kickin' some thug butt. When I saw them arms of yours poppin' in and outta them sleeves, I got enough wood to build a log cabin."

EDDIE - Man I was laughin' out loud. "I was turnin' ya on that much?"

"Mucher than much, kiddo. C'mere and give yer hero a kiss."

Eddie slid over and planted me one. I put my arm around 'im, like we was goin' to the drive-in or somethin', which wasn't a bad idea, but we had this sleazebag to talk to, so (AHEM) FIRST THINGS FIRST. We were ridin' for a while, then Eddie sees this kid he was talkin' about. "Hey, Mike, there he is, beep the horn."

"Hey, Richie! Richie, over here, man, it's Eddie!"

Well, if it wasn't the Midnight Cowboy himself. Ya shoulda seen this one, all decked out in a cowboy hat, painted-on tee shirt, poured on jeans - sufferin' snakeskin. He leaned over on Eddie's window, as he put his arms on the door, I could see a skull-n-crossbones tattoo. "Hey, Eddie, long time no see, man, what's the word? Hey, is that Mike?"

"Sure is."

"Hey, there, it's good to meet ya. I've read a lot about ya."

"Richie's your name?"

"Well, that's my real name, yeah, but my street name's Bronco Billy."

"Ah, yeah, hence the cowboy get-up. Looks good."

"Thanks. Hey, so what brings ya guys up here?"

"We're checkin' out what some kid's up to. His dad wants us to track 'im down, that sorta thing. Thinks he's out cruisin'. Here, we got a photo of 'im."

Bronco Billy, I mean, Richie, whoever he is right now, looks at the pic, recognizes the kid. "Aw, yeah, man, I saw this one a whole bunch of times. What's the deal with his dad, man?"

"He's all pissed off 'cuz the kid's only 16."

"SIXTEEN? No fuckin' way!"

"Big way, Bronco."

EDDIE - The guy acted like he found out he accidentally boinked his cousin. "This - - AW, I can't believe I did it with a kid."

MIKE - Well, I think I can tell why this one's turnin' tricks instead of doin' taxes. "Didn't ya think he looked kinda young for his age, there, Bronco Billy?"

"Well, he said he was 27, I took him at his word. I'm not exactly runnin' a liquor store, I never check ID."

"Might be a good idea from here on, ka-peesh? Ka-peesh!"

"Do ya know this kid pretty well?"

"Well, ya don't exactly do the kinda business I do without gettin' acquainted real good. We talk sometimes. We met at this club called the Bear's Den, filled with bears, admirers, that sorta thing. I'm an admirer, so's he."

MIKE - This didn't make a whole lotta sense to me, but than again, not much does in this life. "Well, if ya like bears so much, why'd ya go with him?"

"I could admire anyone that's got the cash. You got enough scratch to go to Fantasy Island, just call me Mr. Roarke."

"Uh, no, thanks, I'm good with callin' ya Richie. Anyways, where's this Bear's Den, anyway?"

"Not far, just a couple-a miles. Just head down this street til ya get to Wireton Road, make a right, there's a kinda ramp which'll take ya 'round the place, just circle around til ya can get in the parkin' lot."

"They got a cover?"

"Nah, but ya gotta be a member."

"Aw, creeps"

"No mind, kid, we can bluff our way in. Hey, thanks for the tip"

We were about to take off when the Midnight Cowboy asks me a favor. "Uh, sure, okay, what is it?"

"Ya think I can get a hug from Eddie?"

"Oh?"

"It's okay, Mike, he's a good guy. Besides, I haven't seen 'im in a while."

"Okay, but not long. We gotta go off and find...Tattoo."

EDDIE - So I get outta the car....

"DOOR STAYS OPEN!"

....and I'm chattin' with Richie -

"Yer lookin' pretty good, Eds!"

"Me? What about you? I love this get-up, MAN I wish I could dress like that!"

"NO YOU DON'T!"

"Your guy's right, I mean, I still like ya and ev'rything, but none of this is for you. You were right to take off when ya found out what I did."

"Why didn't ya ever tell me?"

"'Cuz I knew I'd lose ya."

We both laughed. It was true.

"You were just the hottest guy in the neighborhood, and one of the nicest, too. I really wish I coulda been more like you. So honest, forthright, you knew who ya were and what ya wanted to be. Ya know I sometimes got a little jealous of that scrapbook ya used to have. Ya don't still have that, do ya?"

"Til the day I die. Well, we do have to get goin'. I finally got the life I wanted, and now we gotta go live it."

"Okay. Listen, though, you take care-a yourself, all right?"

"You, too, Rich - and thanks again."

OUR HEROES DRIVE OFF TO THE BEAR'S DEN. BRONCO BILLY WALKS A FEW FEET WHEN A MERCEDES BENZ PULLS UP. "Get the hell in", CALLS A VOICE FROM THE CAR. IT DRIVES OFF. IT'S THE BOY'S FATHER! WHAT IN TARNATION'S GOING ON HERE?

"So, did you do as I asked?" "Yeah, dad, I did. Told 'em to go off to the Bear's Den, just like ya wanted." "Splendid. That picture of your cousin seemed to do the trick - uh, no pun intended, that is." "Say why do ya wanna get these guys so bad? I mean, I know yer pissed at Mike, but why do ya gotta get the kid, too?" "Well, you're too young to remember the Communist blacklisting era, but just as it was said then - - guilt by association. I can't believe Batz didn't recognize me. That plastic surgeon did me a world of good."

HOLY HOAXES! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S TO HAPPEN NEXT? CAN YOU BEAR IT?

OF COURSE YOU CAN! THE NEXT CHAPTER IS ONLY A MOUSE CLICK AWAY!