Devotion Chapter Five: Feeling Around in the Dark
disclaimer: *NSYNC may or may not be gay. Hell, I'm not even saying that they all are in my fictional story. It's up to you to decide what you think, though. Feel free to send me feedback! I'd really appreciate it! -Angel1313 ^_^
"You know," JC said, turning towards Justin, who was bouncing up and down lightly on his new bed. "We never did decided what to do tonight." Justin stopped bouncing and sat down on the bed. "Well, what do you feel like doing?" He asked his friend, glancing at the older man. JC smiled and walked over to sit next to the young blonde. "I think we should go clubbing with Joey," Chris ventured. /Leave,/ Justin mentally commanded the oldest member of *NSYNC. "I don't know," JC began uneasily. Justin immediately turned to face the older man, concern plainly written across his features. "Something bothering you, Josh?" JC turned away from Justin's caring gaze. Looking into his beautiful blue eyes only made it more difficult for the older man. "Oh, um, no. I just, well, sort of had something else in mind." Justin was all ears. "What?" JC blushed. "Nothing. I'd just rather stay in and watch a movie with you, um, and everyone." Justin's disappointment was plainly written across his face. /I wish he hadn't added "and everyone,"/ he thought sadly to himself. JC took his disappointment to mean that the younger man had wanted to go clubbing, so he laughed lightly and nervously placed a hand behind his head. "Oh, yeah, but you're legal now, Just," he said, trying to sound happy. "You probably want to go clubbing with everyone." "No, I just-" the nineteen year-old began, but JC interrupted him. "No, it's fine." The brunette then turned to Chris. "Clubbing it is! You gonna talk to Joey and Lance?" "Yeah, I'm gonna head over there before I go back to my palace," Chris responded with a laugh. Turning to Justin, he added, "I can't believe you gave up that place to have your space cramped by Mr. Spaz over there!" "Hey!" JC protested, laughing. Justin simply smiled shyly. "He's more then worth it," he said quietly. JC smiled affectionately and squeezed the younger man's hand in appreciation. "Whatever," Chris laughed, rolling his eyes. "Well, I think I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. I'll have Lance call you or something, once we figure out what's going on." Ignoring the "lovebirds" comment, JC replied, "Okay, cool. See ya later." "Bye Chris!" Justin called out as Chris closed the door, leaving Justin alone with JC. "So," he said, turning to the handsome brunette. "What do you want to do until then?" "Well," JC began, laying back on the bed. "Oh, don't you even *think* of going to sleep on me, Josh!" Justin whined, playfully punching JC on the arm. Rolling on his side and propping himself on his elbow, JC replied, "Actually, I was planning on sleeping *next* to you, not *on* you." Justin began to blush furiously. "Th-th-that's not what I meant!" He sputtered, turning away from the teasing eyes of his best friend. JC laughed. "I know, Curly. I'm just playin' with ya." Seeing that Justin still hadn't relaxed, the older man gently reached an arm across the blonde's stomach and pulled him down onto the bed beside him. "Just," he whispered, soothingly running his hand along the middle of the younger man's chest and abdomen, "You know I was just teasing you, right? I'm not implying anything about your sexuality. I'm not going to `drag you down' or anything, okay? You can relax around me, all right? I'm not going to be all over you or anything." In the back of JC's mind he noted that it was ironic that his hand was rubbing up and down Justin's torso as he said that, but he dismissed the thought immediately. Physical contact was always how he comforted Justin. It was second nature to him. Justin sat up, sliding JC's hand into his lap. It was quickly removed, and a faint blush graced the older man's cheeks, but Justin didn't notice. "Just-" JC began, but Justin raised his hand, silencing him. "No. Let me speak," Justin interrupted. JC was quiet. "Listen, Josh, I think I have to explain something to you, because apparently I wasn't clear enough earlier when I yelled at Joey." He paused and took a deep breath. JC remained silent. "There is no way that you could `drag me down' because I don't believe that you are below me. In fact, sometimes I think that you're so far *above* me that I'll never be able to reach you," Justin's voice caught, so he took another deep breath. JC opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it and closed it again. "Regardless of my personal feelings towards you, regardless of how much I care about you and what you do, there's no way that you could affect my sexuality. I already know what I am, and there's nothing that you can do about it," Justin finally finished. JC was crushed. Justin had just plainly told him that there could never be anything between the two of them. He had said it himself: no matter how much JC loved him, he would never be gay. Justin wasn't attracted to him in that way. JC felt like crying. He did cry. The tears came out quietly, sliding down his cheeks like the blood JC was sure was seeping out of his broken heart. The tears that came deep from JC's shattered soul went unnoticed by Justin, who was still sitting up, his back to the older man. When he finally turned around, the sight that met his eyes shocked him. "Josh!" he exclaimed, clearly alarmed. "Josh! What's wrong?" /I couldn't have caused this, could I?/ The blonde thought frantically to himself. "I'm sorry," JC choked out, his angelic voice hoarse from the tears. "I'm sorry for you to have to see me like this," he continued. "I just...I think something inside of me broke." "Oh Josh," Justin breathed, taking the older man into his arms. "I broke it, didn't I?" JC swallowed hard before answering. "It's not your fault. You didn't mean to. You don't have a choice," he whispered back. Justin froze. It *was* his fault. He had broken JC. He had hurt the only person that he never wanted to be even the littlest bit sad. Again. He felt like dying; JC's pain became his, and more. Justin began to sob quietly. Forgetting his own pain, JC quickly slid out of Justin's shaking arms, and took the young man into his own waiting embrace. "Just? What's wrong?" Justin gave up trying to be strong for JC and began to sob uncontrollably into the older man's chest. "I'm so sorry, Josh, I really am. I never wanted to hurt you. I don't know what I did but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he trailed off, his crying preventing him from saying anything more. "Shh," JC soothed, his own flow of tears slowed as he comforted his friend. "It's okay, it's okay." The two best friends remained in the embrace until Justin's crying finally ceased. JC then raised the blonde's face to meet his own. Gently drying the last of Justin's tears with the hem of his shirt, he finally broke the silence, "Just, you don't need to apologize. It's not your fault. I'm sorry that I implied that it was. That's not what I meant at all." Justin looked up at the older man, meeting the tender, loving gaze that his deep blue eyes held. Justin's own red, puffy, eyes looked as if they were going to spill over with tears once more. Just as JC pulled him into another embrace, the phone rang. Cursing silently to himself, JC reluctantly let go of Justin and made his way over to the phone. "If I wasn't positive that this is Lance, I'd let it ring," he explained angrily, hoping Justin would understand. The younger man laughed lightly. "Yeah, and knowing him, if we didn't answer it, he'd call hotel security to make sure we're all right." JC chuckled and picked up the phone. "Hello? Oh. Hi, Lance." Justin laughed at the monotone voice that JC used once he found out it was Lance. "Real nice there, Josh," he called out to the brunette. JC flashed him a smile before focusing on what Lance was saying once more. Justin walked over to the older man and slipped his arms around his waist. Resting his chin on JC's shoulder he whispered, "I'm gonna go wash my face, okay, Josh?" JC turned a bit so he could kiss Justin's cheek. Lifting the phone away from his mouth he whispered back, "Sure, no problem Just." Justin took one more deep breath of JC's scent before walking over to the bathroom. Gently splashing water onto his reddened face, the nineteen year-old adamantly refused to think of what had just passed between him and JC. He knew that if he began to think of JC crying because of something that he had said, it'd set him off crying again. That was the last thing that anyone needed right now. He had to be strong for JC. He *had* to be. Justin sighed and splashed more water on his face before gently drying himself off. He turned to see JC in the doorway, watching him. Justin took a step back in surprise, then smiled at the older man. "Feeling better?" JC asked, gently placing a hand on Justin's shoulder. Smiling, he added, "You *look* better." Justin laughed slightly. "Thanks." JC removed his hand from his friend's shoulder and exited the bathroom. Justin followed behind. "So, what's up? What did Lance say?" He asked, not really interested in the answer. "Well," JC began, glancing at his watch. "It's two now and we're all getting together tonight to go clubbing at nine. We're on our own for dinner, but Chris and Joey- and possibly Lance- are going out to dinner around seven. We can go if we want to, but I was, um, hoping that we could just hang out." JC paused a moment before hastily adding, "Oh, well, I mean, you can do whatever you want, but I think I'm going to stay here. Unless, of course, you want to go out with the other guys. Then I'll probably go with you, but-" "Josh," Justin interupted with a smile. "You're babbling." JC laughed, and Justin took his hand. Giving it a squeeze, he added, "I'd love to spend the evening with you. We can order in and watch a movie or something." JC smiled appreciatively and went to call Joey to tell him and the others that he and Justin would be staying in tonight. Until they went clubbing, of course.I hope you're enjoying yourself! Feel free to write me and tell me, and thanks to those who did!!