DIONYSIUS
By
Rev Jesse Penfield Gibson, MDiv, DMin
DISCLAIMER: This story contains depiction of both homosexual and heterosexual acts between college students primarily, as well as drug and alcohol use. If you offended, please do not read. Otherwise, enjoy.
Complaints, compliments, comments to revjpgibson@hotmail.com
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FIVE
Dylan was heading back from FYS in Pound Hall, cutting across the quad heading for his dorm when Alex caught up with him. He playfully shoved him and then fell in line beside him.
"You need a beer." Alex said.
"I don't drink." Dylan reminded him.
"Okay, a cup of coffee, then. We'll go get overcharged at Starbucks," Alex said, smiling and tugging at his arm. "A beer would be better, though. One beer won't kill you."
"Okay, sure. But we're both underage."
"Not a problem. Come on, we'll get my car."
Alex took him to Harry's and they were the only customer's there in the mid afternoon. He ordered some onion rings, to introduce Dylan to bar food he said, and a couple of Bud's. When they arrived, Dylan took a sip and wasn't sure that he really liked it, at least not for taste, but he supposed that people sucked them back for other reasons.
"You know, you have people worried," Alex said
Dylan jerked his head back in disbelief. Setting the beer bottle down, he asked, "Why?"
"Because you're depressed. Because it seems like you're dealing with the stress of things very well."
"Well, that's news to me. I didn't know I was depressed." Dylan said, picking up the beer and taking another swallow. It tasted marginally better.
"Yeah, well you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. It seems like maybe the pressure is building up and you don't know what to do about it. If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. If you don't want to talk about it, I'm going to get you drunk and then you will talk. But the truth is I've never seen you smile or laugh or even act relaxed. That seems depressed to me."
Dylan looked away and thought for a second. "I don't think it would mean anything to you. It's just a crisis of faith, I guess."
Alex just looked at him and said nothing. Just to fill the silence, Dylan began talking. He told about his growing doubts, how things he took for granted seem to be uncertain, how irrelevant the advice to give up and let God was. Alex let him talk, which took a while. It took long enough for him to order a second round. Dylan had to admit that with repeated dosing, the beer grew more palatable. He even developed a buzz. Finally, he said all he wanted to say but carefully didn't mention the issues he was having with his sexual orientation. He wasn't ready to go there.
"So this is all philosophical and intellectual?" Alex asked.
"Well, yeah," Dylan answered, leaning back in the booth and crossing his arms across his chest. "You make it sound trivial."
"Well, I don't buy that's all there is because there is a solution to those kinds of problems." Alex said, leaning forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Look, college is all about confronting big issues. It's about having late night bull sessions about the meaning of life, usually drunken or stoned but still. It's about exploring life on your own but with a little bit of safety net. Your problem is that you came here with all the answers all ready, all of life's issues neatly tied up, but with absolutely no sense of what the real questions were. What you're going through is a necessary part of it, getting rid of the default settings so you can reprogram yourself in a way that makes sense to you. Honestly, you didn't think it was going to be easy, did you?"
"No, I guess not, it's just that ..." Dylan said, trailing off into silence.
"Look, everybody is else is just trying to find their way too. Everybody is in kind of the same boat. It's not as easy as you thought it was going to be. The thing to do is make some friends, have some fun, explore new things. Drink a beer, smoke a joint. Or not. But live your life. Okay, so there's a party Friday night, I'm almost 100% certain that Cass is going. Invite yourself along. Have a good time."
"I don't know" Dylan hedged.
"One party."
"Are you going?"
"Yeah. You can go with me. It'll be a date." Alex grinned but saw the hesitation in Dylan's face. "I was just kidding about the date part, dude."
Cass didn't seem all that excited that he was going when Dylan told him. But that actually spurred him on more, feeling that he had as much right as anyone to go to a party if he wanted. On Friday, he fretted over what to wear, wanting to look casual but not scrungy. He selected several outfits and then reselected and pondered some more. Cass, on the other hand, just wore whatever was the least dirty. But then again, he looked good in whatever he wore. Then Alex sent him a text and asked him to ride with Cass and he would meet him there. It took some sorting out who was riding with whom since half the floor was going but Dylan ended up with Cass anyway, along with Dave and Mark. The party was on Orange Street in back of the Law School, about a mile and half from the main campus. It is a brick lined street fronted by a line of old houses, many of them from before the Civil War. But most of them were rented by students, mostly law students Dylan supposed. He had no idea who was actually giving the party and neither did any of the others. By the time they got there, a little before 9, there was all ready a crowd growing. Techno music was blaring. Groups of people were standing around with plastic cups, laughing and talking.
They made their way up to the front porch and saw Alex standing with a bottle of water talking to a tall black guy. Grinning broadly, he motioned them over. "Simon, you know Cass and Dave. This is Dylan, Cass's roommate."
"What up?" Simon said to them generally.
Dylan was struck by how good looking he was. He had milk chocolate skin and a broad nose but was stunningly handsome. "Not much" Dylan muttered.
"What are you on?" Dave said to Alex, staring at his face.
"Looks like E" Cass commented, pointing to his eyes. Dylan noticed then that his pupils were unusually large.
"Guess again" Alex said, giggling a little.
"The fucked fairy jumped up and bit him" Simon said as Cass shrugged.
"2CB" Alex said.
It meant nothing to Dylan but it did to Dave. He said in a tone of incredulity, "Seriously? Got any more?"
"Indeed I do" Alex replied. "Dylan, go get a beer. Mix and mingle. I'll find you in a minute."
Dylan was confused. He didn't know what 2CB was but he figured it must be illegal and serious. Cass pulled him along and made a beeline for the keg set up in the kitchen. Pouring himself a beer, he looked at Dylan and asked, "You drinking?"
"Yeah, I guess so," Dylan said with a shy drop of his head. "It's a party right?"
"It is that. It's definitely time to party after a long week"
"So what is 2CB anyway?" Dylan asked.
Cass handed him the beer. "What I understand is that it's like a cross between Ecstasy and acid."
"Oh, wow" Dylan said as he took a sip of beer.
Over the next few minutes, he and Cass got separated and he wandered around, seeing some people he knew slightly from class or from his floor. It wasn't really possible to have a conversation over the music. Eventually, he made his way back outside. Alex and Dave were still there on the porch with Alex talking in an animated fashion. Dave looked restless, looking around somewhat aimlessly and then fixating on nothing in particular.
As he got close to where they were on the corner of the porch, Alex spun around and said, laughing, "Get another beer and get back here. And don't take a fucking year to do it, okay?"
Stunned, he went back and got another one before heading back. Dave was really looking restless and tense. "Are you okay, Dave?" Dylan asked.
"I'm great. I just need to move" Dave stuttered.
"We're walking" Alex giggled.
They pushed through the crowd and made it back to the street. Alex led them down the street along the back side of the Law School. With the movement, Dave seemed to loosen up. It seemed like both he and Alex had burst free and were almost giddy, like children. Suddenly, Alex stopped. "Oh, shit. Dump the beer," he said urgently. Dylan looked confused. "If they see you with a cup, they pop you for open container and minor in possession of alcohol."
Dylan poured it out, wondering why Alex had sent him for it in the first place. But the moment to ask had passed because both boys resumed their walking, happily moving along. Dave noted that his depth perception was gone and Alex thought that was hilarious. They turned down Bond Street and Alex told him about the movie Wise Blood, which Dylan had never heard of, and how parts of it were filmed on this street. They talked about it for a few minutes as they walked, with Alex telling him how he needed to read Flannery O'Connor because he would really like her. Dylan mentioned that he had read a short story, A Good Man is Hard to Find, but Alex kept recommending other things she had written. They got to the end of the street, which curved ninety degrees back and ran along the side of a hill overlooking the city below. In the night, all the lights blazed.
"Best place in town to trip" Alex said as he walked part way down the hill, settling in on the back of a marble monument.
All three of them settled in with him. Both he and Dave stared off into the distance, soaking in the colors of the lights, apparently hallucinating. They sat there for a long time, both them restlessly moving their legs and hands but not really getting up or doing anything except looking. Dylan could hear the music in the distance and was wondering what he was doing here anyway. Alex turned to look at him and had an expression on his face of sympathy. He fished into his pockets and pulled out a brass stem and a little baggy, which he opened and put some marijuana into the end of the pipe. Then he handed it Dylan with a lighter.
"I don't smoke pot" Dylan said. Alex continued to hold it out toward him and kept with the sympathetic look on his face. Dylan guessed that he knew that he wasn't having that good of a time and wanted to do something to make it better in his own way. So, reluctantly, Dylan took the pipe and lit it up. As soon as the acrid smoke hit his lungs he began coughing violently. It seemed like he was going to cough up his lung entirely.
"Ah, virgin lungs," Dave said placidly.
Alex loaded another hit and handed it to him. Dylan put his hands up to say no. "That's okay, I'm good."
"There is a universe of possibilities. A million choices to make. But we fall into these habits where we make the same choice over and over again. You have to step outside of yourself and look at the universe and you're place in it. Consciously make another choice," Alex said in a dreamy tone, staring out into space. "Smoke the dope, Dylan. Break a rule, experience something new"
The second puff went down marginally better. At least he coughed less. But the sensation hit him almost immediately. He felt giddy and dizzy but profoundly relaxed. He had to laugh at how good he felt. That caused them to laugh too. Dylan's thoughts were racing, as he considered so many things, the chief among them as to why he had never even tried this before.
Before long though, it was time to head back. He admired the white column mansion that stood at the apex of the hill, looking down over the city. They joked and laughed and were generally euphoric as they walked back up the street. The crowd at the party had grown and was spilling out onto the street. It was hard to even get up to the house. The music was really loud and people, drunk, were yelling and screaming, having a good time. Dylan was pretty thirsty but he didn't want beer. What he would have liked was fruit juice. In the kitchen, there were bottles of liquor and mixers. Spying some cranberry juice, he took a cup of that and chugged it down quickly. The tartness of it tasted very good so he got another cup to sip on leisurely.
He was a little more paranoid, a lot more actually, surrounded by people than he had before and he was trying to get out of the house and away when he ran into Cass, who was obviously drunk. Cass looked at him strangely, "Are you stoned?"
"Yeah, kinda"
Cass snorted, "Shit. You're gonna end up not being a bad roommate after all"
"Thanks, I guess"
"I'm gonna get another drink," Cass slurred.
"Don't you think you've had enough?"
"I can still stand up" Cass answered although he was swaying a bit.
"I think you have had enough" Dylan said
"Just one more, please, Daddy?" Cass said, laughing. He broke away and staggered into the kitchen for more.
Dylan followed him, concerned. Alex came up behind him and asked him what was going on. "Cass Is really drunk and he's going for more"
"Good for him" Alex said. "Come outside. That's where the real party is."
Distracted by Alex, he lost focus and headed off that way. "How are you doing?" he asked Alex.
"I am doing great, incredible. It's mind blowing."
He stood out on the porch looking around aimlessly. The buzz from the pot was beginning to wear off and he was stuck in a decision point, whether to try to do more and get wasted, really wasted for the first time in his life, or not. Just then, the whole yard erupted in flashing blue lights. There were lights from cop cars in front of the house on Orange Street and in back from College Street. Cops came walking up with flashlights blazing, yelling at people to go home.
"Well, it's not a party if the cops aren't called," Alex laughed. "Go find Cass and get him back here. We'll have to get him back."
Dylan dove back into the house as the cops were screaming, demanding people leave and wanting to see the homeowner out front instantly. Cass was in the kitchen and was barely able to stand. "What the fuck?" he slurred, his head bobbing.
"Come on," Dylan said, grabbing his arm. "Try to act sober. The cops are here."
"Fucking assholes" Cass yelled. "Fucking, Goddamn, piece of shit assholes. Why don't they mind their own fucking business?"
"Shut up and come on" Dylan insisted.
He led Cass stumbling out to the porch. A cop, enraged, pushed by him, demanding to see the homeowner. Another came bursting in, demanding that the music be shut down. Dylan led him onto the porch where Alex and Dave met them. Alex jerked his head toward the street and Dylan led Cass down the stairs, which he stumbled on. That caught the attention of a cop. He hurried over and shined a light in his eye. "How much have you had to drink, son" the cop demanded. The tone wasn't friendly.
"A bunch. Too much" Alex said.
"2 beers" Cass slurred
"Shut up. We're trying to get him home. If you guys hadn't come, he would have kept going until he passed out. Pretty close to it anyway."
"Let's see some ID. How old are you?"
"I'm 19, these three are 18" Alex said. Dylan was amazed that his speech and demeanor seemed sober. "But he's the only one that's been drinking, sir. And he's a lightweight, doesn't drink much. His girlfriend dumped him, you know, she was banging his roommate, so ...Can we please just take him home, sir?"
Cop stared at Cass, deciding. "Get him the hell out of here. Don't let me catch him around here again, understand?"
"You won't sir, thank you."
"Clear out"
They drug him across the street to the back lot of the law school, past multiple police cars. Apparently, this one party was going to tax the law enforcement capacity of the Macon Police so many cops were sent. They got to Alex's jeep.
"Hope you can drive a stick" Alex said to Dylan. "You're the most sober one of the bunch. I'm hallucinating like a son of a bitch."
"Me too" Dave added, giggling some.
They dumped Cass in the front seat and Dave and Alex jumped in the back. Dylan tried to drive as carefully as he could, out onto Orange Street then left on Bond. Dylan looked at the line of cop cars that were on College Street and decidedly didn't want to go that way. Alex must have agreed because it looked like they were stopping people trying to leave the party for DUI, so he told him to take a right and go back on the interstate. So they went down the hill to Riverside and onto the Interstate. Cass was yelling at nobody in particular as they sped from I 16 onto I75, drunkenly challenging the world. They made to the university exit and were stopped at the stop sign when Cass leaned over and puked. Dylan let him get most of it out before he hit the gas and sped toward campus. A few minutes later, they pulled into the parking lot across from Truett and parked there. Dave grabbed one of Cass's arms and Alex the other. Dylan used his BearCard to get in. They practically had to drag him up the stairs because his feet were not really providing any locomotion. But he had at least stopped yelling. Once in the room, they dumped him in his bed.
"How are you getting back to your place?" Dylan asked Alex.
"We'll walk."
Dylan looked at Dave, who laughed. "I heard that sex on 2CB is wickedly awesome. Gonna find out."
Alex smiled. "I didn't take a vow of chastity. You can join us if you want."
Dylan stared down at the floor. "That's okay. I've had enough excitement for one night."
"Okay, catch you later" Alex said as they left.
He pulled off Cass's shoes and thought about pulling off his pants but decided against it. He covered him up with a sheet. The kid was passed out but breathing. Silently, he pulled off his shirt and pants, standing there in his underwear. That's when he thought, I'm sleeping naked tonight. He grabbed a towel and climbed into his top bunk. The thoughts that he had were not pure. He thought about Alex, beautiful, bisexual and promiscuous. He thought about Dave, also gorgeous and also at least bisexual and maybe gay. He thought about the things they were doing together. He thought about Cass and the bulge in his boxer briefs, about Carlos from down the hall, about lots of the guys on the hall, naked in the shower. It seemed like everybody was getting it on but him and he was wondering why he was holding out. But he had to turn to his immediate need. His erection was throbbing and it needed attention. They call it self-abuse but it isn't really. It is self-pleasure and it's wrong at all, Dylan thought.
After he finished his business, Dylan lay in the bed listening to Cass breath, thinking. Really he had four options. The first was to do what was expected of him: find a girl, woo her, marry her and produce children. But that wasn't an option at all, he knew. Being trapped for life in a marriage to someone he could not be attracted to was profoundly wrong, hurting innocent people. He would be condemning himself to an unhappy life and dragging along a wife and unborn children to share in his misery and for what? The sake of propriety? Surely a loving God would not demand that he intentionally hurt and deceive other human beings. The second option would be to seek a cure for his homosexuality. But he knew it wasn't really possible. How many times had he prayed to be relieved of this burden? How hard had he worked to rid himself of these thoughts? It had never worked and he knew it wasn't going to work. The truth was that, at this point, he didn't want it to work. He no longer wanted to be cured. Which is why celibacy, the option he had always embraced before, was no longer an option? As he lay there and thought, Dylan resolved to himself that he was going to allow himself to have as full and rich a life, to enjoy his sexuality, as anyone else did. He had a right to do it and he was going to do it. But the result of that was clear. He could not be a practicing homosexual and be a Baptist minister. The choice was stark: he could try to find happiness or he could serve God. When he fell asleep, it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. The choice was made.