April 20, 1998
Nylin Talks By: Martin Miller
After listening to Nyling talk about his experiences in German homes, I had a difficult time doing my homework. I kept thinking about what he told me. It didn't seem like a story anyone would make up. It also seemed hard to believe that as much as I disliked my own home life, it was a barrel of laughs compared to Nylin's.
On the way home from school the next day I ran into Robert on the path. He wasn't as cheerful as he'd been before. We talked as we walked toward our neighborhood. He finally let me know what was on his mind.
"Nylin says you asked him to come over after school?"
"Yeah. We were talking. He wanted to tell me more about Germany. I'd told him it was cool," I said.
"He's not my brother," Robert said. "I know we say we are brothers, but none of us are related. James' old man is my stepfather, and Nylin's just someone he picked up a few years ago in Germany. I don't want you to think I'm like he is," Robert said.
"What are you talking about? Nylin's okay."
"Just remember I'm not related to him. He's a bit strange and I don't want you to think I'm that way too," Robert said, distressed.
"Even if he was your brother, why would what he did make me think any different about you?" I asked.
"He's just strange, that's all. Like with coming into the living room naked the day you were over. He's weird."
"I didn't care. Didn't bother me," I said.
"You looked like you were going to shit yourself. Now I find out he's hanging at your house. He's a little con man. He knows how to work people. Just remember I warned you about him."
"Robert, Nylin is Nylin, and if him and I are friends, does that mean you and I can't be friends. I like both of you fine. So, Nylin's different. So what?"
"You might not feel that way if you know what Nylin's really like. Just remember, I told you."
"I'll remember. What's he like?"
Robert got quiet and walked with his head down. He started kicking rocks on the path as we came up to the highway. We ran across together, and then he stopped grabbing my arm so I'd stop.
"You promise not to tell Nylin I told you this?"
"Sure," I said.
"He's queer. He's not related to me, but he's libel to do something. I don't want you thinking I'm that way if he does."
"I'm supposed to not like him because he is gay. That it?" I asked.
"You can like him all you want. He's okay, I guess. I just don't want you thinking I'm that way."
"I don't know why you'd think that way. You might be mistaken. There's only one way to know if someone is or isn't gay. You telling me you've checked it out for sure?"
"What are you talking about?" Robert asked.
"You say he's gay. Does that mean you know because he's proved it to you or what?" I asked, fishing for some more information.
We started walking again. Robert looked at me a couple of times as thought he were figuring something out deep inside his head.
"What kind of question is that? You asking me if I'm doing stuff with him?"
"Robert, there's only one way to be sure if someone is gay or not. You seem absolutely positive about Nylin. I just figured you made sure you know what your talking about before you told me about it."
"I know for sure," Robert said, looking to see my reaction as he searched for a rock to kick.
"That's cool. I don't see where it matters much one way or the other. Nylin's cool. You're cool. No big deal. We all have things we might not want everyone else to know. It's pretty cool you can admit you have feelings."
"You're funny," Robert said.
"A little," I said.
"No, I mean most guys want to kick Nylin's ass when they find out about him. You say, cool. You looking to let him, you know what I mean," Robert said. "You would mind if he did something to you."
"You recommending him to me."
"Sure. Says he likes you. You'd enjoy it you like that kind of thing I mean. I'm not saying I do," Robert said. "Not saying I don't."
"He says you got a big one," I said.
"What? That little turd. We're not supposed to talk about what we know about each other."
"Like you telling me he's queer. You wouldn't tell what you know, would you. He seemed positive about it. Said a guy he did it with in Germany was pretty big. Like you, is what he said. Says you are big."
"You knew he did stuff with guys?"
"Yeah. He told me."
"He didn't try to get you to do anything?"
"No, Robert. He didn't try to get me to do anything," I said.
"That's a first. He never gets enough," Robert said, shaking his head. "Stays at you until he has you wanting it every day. Little faggot."
"So do you?" I asked.
"Do I what," Robert snapped at me looking up from his feet.
"Have a big one like Nylin says? He seemed sure about it."
"That? Sure. Make money with it. That's how big it is."
"Make money with it? Give me a break, Robert."
"Not here. Guys are too uptight here. I made money with it in Germany. I did get a pack of smokes here from a guy in my homeroom."
"You going to tell me how?" I asked.
"Showing it to guys. Usually they want to see it hard. When they see it hard they want to touch it to see what it feels like. I charge them to see it, and then if they want to touch it, I charge 'em more."
"So if I wanted to see it how much would it cost me?"
"You want to see it?"
"I'm part German. Sure. How much to have a look, Robert? What are your rates?"
"Not here," Robert said. "When we get home. I didn't think you'd be like that. I mean it's okay. Since you are my neighbor and all, you can feel it for nothing. You just keep it between you and me."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. You just seem so -- nice. I thought you were going to freak when Nylin came out naked. You should have seen your face. I thought you'd never speak to me again. Now you're asking about touching my cock," he said, "I guess I worried about nothing. American's are uptight. I'm glad I found someone that isn't up tight. You can touch it."
"I didn't say I wanted to touch it. I said see it."
"You don't want to touch it?"
"Is that what you like, Robert? If I touch it will that be payment for you?"
"I guess. Kind of neat having guys admire it. They all wish their's was big as mine. When they touch it I feel like they like me."
"So you let guys play with your dick, but you think there is something wrong with Nylin because he likes to play with guys dicks. I don't understand."
"I know him. He's going to try to pull something with you. I just didn't want you to hate me. I don't care what he does. He's fun to have around when you come down to it," Robert said. "I always know I'm going to get off when I want, but that's between him and me. That's different from guys admiring me."
"You mean you do let him do stuff to you? That what you are saying?" I asked.
"Something like that. He gets it when he wants it. Put it that way. You sound like you might have gotten what you want a few times."
"You could say that, Robert. I've done stuff. I'm not as nice as you seem to think. I'm still not used to guys roaming around nude in front of guys that are dressed," I said. "It surprises me."
"You should have hung around. He wanted to fool around with you. You missed out. He can make things pretty nice at times."
"How do you know I'd have let him?" I asked.
Robert looked at me before shaking his head, "I didn't then. I do now. I thought you'd think I'm queer. Now I know you've been around, I won't worry about it. No harm in taking advantage of a good thing. That's what I say."
"That being Nylin?"
"Yeah. Keeps me off the street since American dude's are so uptight about other guys dicks."
I was surprised when Nylin was leaning up against the fence when we got to my house. He was in a pair of jeans with the elastic at the top. I thought they looked strange on him. He had on a tight blue slip over shirt that showed how thin he was through his chest down to his waist. He was bare foot again.
"We going to talk?" He asked. "You said we could."
"Sure. I said so. I met Robert on the path. Can he join us?"
"Robert, why don't you get some stuff out you want for dinner. I'll be over in a half an hour or so. Martin and I are going to talk," Nylin said firmly.
"Sure thing. How about that hamburger caserole you fix. I'll chop up the onions and peppers," Robert said.
"Okay. Chop it fine. Tell James I'll be in by five, so let us talk."
"He might not be in at all. He's with Margie again."
Robert jumped over my fence and then his fence and went in the back door. I noticed Nylin was all cleaned and neat. He usually looked like he'd just rolled out of bed. He followed me to the house. I got out sodas and we sat at the table like we did before.
"The way to Robert's heart is through his stomach. That and his zipper. He'll do anything for a good meal or a good blow job. Your dad won't walk in on us again?"
"No. He's usually late."
"I kept on my school clothes so he didn't think I'm a nudist."
"Aren't you? I thought you didn't like clothes?" I said.
"I don't. No sense in letting your father know how weird I am. I don't want my friends having to answer for me. You are my friend?"
"I guess. I didn't think about it. I wondered why you were telling me all that stuff yesterday," I said.
"I don't know. You seem okay. I needed to talk about it. You just seemed available. You listened to me. Most people don't want to listen to me. Most of them think all I'm about is sex."
"And you're not?" I asked.
"Sure, I am, but I do think about other things. I have feelings. I wonder about stuff."
"Like what?" I asked.
"Like why you live over here and I live over there. Why you are like you are and I am like I am. I wonder about stuff. I wonder why people don't really like me. Why I've got to do stuff for them for them to pay any attention to me. Why they pretend they like me so I'll do what they want me to do, only they don't like me because I will do what they want me to do. I wonder about that kind of stuff."
"Robert was ready to jump when you told him," I said. "He seemed to listen okay. He seems to like you fine."
"I guess. He knows he don't I cut him off, that's all that is," Nylin said. "He doesn't like it when I won't do for him. That's what that is."
"You really use sex to get what you want?"
"Sure. First you got to get them wanting it. Jesus, those two were hard nuts to crack. Especially James. Robert was already letting all the kids play with his big dick. I told you he's deformed that way. Can't give him but half a blow job. Once you finally get them to do it, well, you do it any time they want. That's when you get them. James was harder to get than Robert because he likes me touching it, but now he's at it all the time. My jaws are even sore from that thing. James says I'm tighter than his girlfriend's pussy. That's tight don't you think."
"I don't know his girlfriend. You're small. I bet you are," I said, without thinking about what it was I was saying and who I was saying it to.
"You can say tight. I won't think you are talking about my asshole. He says I am. Robert's too big. Haven't gotten that one in yet. He likes me to suck the tip and then he jacks off. He likes that fine. Saves my jaws some."
"You talk like it's normal?"
"What? Sex? It is normal. You don't like it? You don't do it when you get a chance? You don't wake up dreaming about it? You don't jack off? You must be asexual."
"Sure, but not to talk like you do. Not to use it to get stuff," I said. "Sex is something you share with someone you like. Someone special I mean."
"What do you think marriage is, Martin? Pussy gets you a house and food and a life. It's a trade. I'm trading just like woman trade men. Marry me and you got all the sex you want. It's all I'm doing. You really think I'm weird, don't you? Because I know what sex really is."
"I don't know if weird is the word. I don't understand how you are so open about all this. I'd die if people knew that kind of stuff about me. I like sex fine, but I want to like who I'm having it with."
"Everyone doesn't know how my mind works. I'm telling you. That's all. Robert and James don't know. Doesn't matter to them what I feel or think. They don't care how I got like this. They don't really care if I know anything at all. You seem to care. Don't you?"
"Sure. I just don't understand. You're younger than I am. I don't know how you could be so open and so--so depressing to listen to. I don't want sex to be a business arrangement. I feel confused by everything I feel all ready. You just do all this stuff and act like it's normal and there's no meaning to it, just orgasms you forget as soon as they are done."
"Normal for me. I can't help it if you can't deal with what you are. I told you, in Germany they used me every place I went. There was one thing I was good at and good for. S-E-X. Started off innocently enough with Boris, but even that told me I had power in my hands. I mean I wanted in on it after watching them for so long. Then he let me after I kept at him long enough. When he left, the other boys wanted to see what they could do with me. "I guess Boris was the center of attention because he was the boss. Then I was the center of attention because I was the youngest and weakest. No resistance either. I did what they wanted me to do. It's when I learned if you give it to them without protesting, later you can deny them and charge them for it. Soon I was getting everything I wanted. Desserts, all the goodies and fruit I wanted. I just let them bid up the price. I knew I could get what I wanted if I played the game, so I did. I had them doing my homework, my chores, like Robert. Just ask and you shall receive. Sex was the only thing I had to bargain with. Lucky for me they wanted it enough to pay me. The fact I loved it didn't make any difference to them. Made it pretty neat for me though."
"So what happened. You said you got caught at it?" I said.
"Yeah! Wow, that was a bummer. It was Herman. He's the one that was almost big as Robert. He always wanted to screw me, but it never really worked. I was even smaller than. One night he tried to force it in, and I yelled when the head went in. I thought he'd ripped me open. I yelled for him to get it out. I guess the old man that ran the place was passing the door. He came in. There's Hans waiting for Herman to finish with me so he can have a go. Old man Hecht grabbed me out of bed. There we stood. All of us naked and hard as stone. Was he mad. I thought Hans would cry. He was six foot and strong as an ox, and he looked like he was going to ball. He made us get dressed and put us in separate rooms. I was there most of the next day, and I was taken out in a car still in my undershorts. We drove about half an hour, and I was taken to another home.
"I remember going in the front door. There were eight or ten boys standing around watching me. The women, Geisla, took me by the ear and took me into the bathroom and made me shower in front of her. Guys came by the door and looked at me. Two or three of them were giggling and pointing at me. Even at ten or eleven I had a bigger dick than most of them."
"They knew what had happened at the other place?"
"One of the older kids worked in the office. He checked my files that were on the desk that first day. He was the first one that came on to me. He told me he could make it easy on me if I was nice to him. He was cute, Fritz. So he came to my bed that night, and he told me to take off my underwear. I did. He got into bed and I took care of him. Only when he got up there were more guys there waiting. They took my underwear away and I was naked. From that night on they stole every pair I had. The first night was the worse. I was there a few months and all I did was go to class and service the troops. That's when I realized how horny guys were. Only these didn't bring me desserts and do my homework. They had a broom handle they said they'd use on me if failed to hold up my end for them. I figured then, I'd make sure I got the upper hand from that time on. I wanted to call the shots. The sex was fine, but I wanted something for it. There was a couple guys said I was the best one they'd ever been with. I liked being with them. The rest I just took care of to keep from getting the shit beat out of me."
"So what happened there?"
"We got a new kid, Daniel. He told Geisla I was a faggot and he wouldn't stay in the room with me doing stuff to all the guys. She caught me that night. I think Daniel probably lived to regret getting me out of there. Most of the guys depended on me to take care of their needs. I think perhaps, Daniel ended up taking my place since he was the new boy. I don't know, but I think he paid a price for squealing on me. He was just a little fuck anyway.
"I went to a lock up after that. I don't remember a court or anything. I was put in with kids that did sex stuff. I mean like rape and molesting other kids. It was the only time I was scared. Luther was seventeen, and he came up to me right after I got in there. I thought my goose was cooked. He was big, and had muscles. Looked like a man. Gave me his dessert from lunch. I'd missed lunch by half an hour. Said I had two choices. I could room with him, or I could room with them. There were about eight guys sitting at the table watching me with a look I'd seen before. I told him he had a roommate and anything else he wanted me to be if he'd keep me safe."
"You must have been scared shitless," I said.
"Luther was a pussy cat. All he wanted was for me to blow him at night. Took about two minutes out of my day. I wanted more, but he couldn't give it to me. He was small and easy to suck. I had less sex in the sex jail than any place. There were a couple of guys that I liked. We found time to be together once in a while, so I kept myself in practice, but the rest of them did what they did with each other. The homes had a lot more sex going on than that place."
"So that's when Robert's father took you?"
"No. I was there a few months. I wasn't quite twelve. A family took me. Like a foster home here. They were looking at me to adopt me. I don't think they told them anything about me messing with all the guys where I'd been. They picked me up at the public office that ran all the homes. They had four kids. Two boys and two girls."
"A normal home? That was a change."
"Not exactly. Tom was thirteen and George was fifteen. Tom was the pushy one. He was doing it with George before I got there. He immediately figured I'd be a push over because I was young and small."
"Was he right?" I asked.
"I let him think he was. Like I said, you've got to get them wanting it. He loved my ass so much he was looking to buy me a ring. Took me about a week to have them doing what I wanted. Even George liked me better than Tom because I didn't make him do anything with me. He was a nice kid. Then the colonel showed up to ruin that arrangement. They'd talked to him about the American kid with the bad heart. He checked me over and said I was going with him.
"He's cool. Never around. Busy man. Robert didn't like me at all until he found out I'd do more than touch him. James treated me okay. After the first month of being a good boy. I was twelve then, I figured out I missed all the sex. Robert about shit himself when I started jacking him off one night. He just wanted me to feel his big dick at first. Weird huh?
"James got really pissed off when he found out I was playing with Robert. Told me he was going to kick my ass I ever did it again. He came in half drunk one night. He was on the couch watching a dirty movie when I blew him the first time. After that he hinted around about me doing it again. For the next two or three times I waited for him to let me know he wanted it. One thing led to another with James. He had bigger ideas right after I blew him first time. He used to pull my on his lap. I knew he was rubbing his hard dick on my ass. I just played the game. After Robert caught me blowing James one night, well, he decided he wanted me to do that to him. That's when he decided letting guys play with his cock was kid stuff. Blow jobs were the happening thing after that. Twice a day some days, but he's like Luther, quick, and here I am in bum fuck Egypt after all. Takes time to find the right people to hand with."
"You have been around. I thought I'd been around," I said.
"You're gay, Martin. You looked pretty freaked when I came out naked the other night. I figured you for a straight arrow," he said. "I can usually tell the queer ones."
"I'm me, Nylin. I've been around. Certainly not anything like you, but I've tried things."
"What do you like?"
"Depends on who I'm with," I said.
"You still think I'm weird," he said.
"Never did. Just never knew anyone to walk into a room full of clothed people, naked. Especially when I didn't even know you."
"I saw you looking at me, Martin. Just like the guys in that sex jail. Your eyes went right to it. I always check to see what a guy looks at first. You checked me out, Martin. You sure you aren't gay?"
"Doesn't matter what you look at first. It matters what you look at afterwards. I'm not just a cock and balls and neither are you, Nylin. What I was surprised to see you walk out there like that. What was I supposed to look at? Your nose?"
"You don't like me do you? You think I'm a whore? I knew you were a goody two shoes."
"You don't know anything, Nylin. I like you fine. You are who you are. It's not up to me to say what you are."
"You like my body?"
"It's fine. You look young, that's all. Most guys I've--I am friends with are more mature."
"My heart. I've never really grown. Like my dick? It grew up quicker an the rest of me."
"You have a nice dick. Big for your size. It was nice. I did like seeing your body," I said. "It's not all I saw."
"What else. What did you like?"
"I thought you looked like a nice guy. Strange for sure. I guess I admired you could walk into the living room naked like that. I liked it. It just surprised me. I like looking at guys bodies. I've got to work at it to see anything most of the time."
"You are gay," Nylin said.
"I didn't say that. I told you I've done stuff. I like looking at guy's bodies. Don't mean I've got to have sex with all of them. I'm still figuring out what I like."
"I guess. You seem okay. Was it a mistake telling you?"
"I don't see why you told me. I think I understand you better. Makes me glad I never ended up in Germany. I like you fine. There's something about you I like fine."
"You think foster homes here are different?" Nylin asked. "You really think American boys don't fuck each other at night. Get real. They're just afraid to talk about it. That's all."
"I don't know. I don't think I want to know. I like you because you are a nice guy. There's something about you that's pretty cool, maybe exciting to me. I can't tell you what. Just the way it is. I knew I liked you. I still do," I said. "Nothing you said makes it different."
"You mean I didn't blow it by telling you the truth?" he asked.
"No. I think I like you better because you found a way to make it without turning into a jerk," I said. "Considering what you've been through, you turned out cool."
"Right, everything is cool, just a pervert living next door to you. I guess if I hadn't been gay, well, I might have taken it personal, but since I was gay, I just adapted and made the best of it. I didn't know what a family was like until I got with James and Robert. Want to go out together some time? Bowling? A movie?" I usually have money. I get all my allowance and half of Roberts.
"You offering to take me out on a date?" I asked.
"Yeah! Like a date. Just to have a good time. You and me."
"Sure. I can do that. How about the weekend. That way we don't have to be in so early."
"Cool. Friday night. That way we can do something over the weekend if we have fun on our date. I think I like you, Martin. I think you're okay."
"You too. You're cool, Nylin. What do you want to do with your life?"
"Me. You want to know what I want to do?" he asked.
"Yeah! What do you want to do? What are you good at? I mean something you can do for a living? I don't know what I mean? You have any talent? Besides that I mean?" I said, watching Nylin smile at me every time I said something that suddenly sounded very sexual.
"Got a sheet of paper?" He asked.
"Sure," I said, pulling paper out of my notebook.
Nylin looked at me and was writing on the paper. He looked at me a few times. I thought he was looking to see if I was looking at him. He tossed the pencil on the table and handed me the paper.
"That's me," I said. "Why'd you make my nose so big. Asshole."
"It's a caricature. You pick out something and exaggerate it. When someone looks at the image, they know that's you. Just like you did."
"My nose isn't that big," I said.
"It's your most prominent feature. Tear it up. I don't care," he said.
"No! It's good. You do anything else? Quit smiling at me," I said, as he gave me the same impish smile every time I wanted to knew what he did best.
"I paint, work with clay, and I like pastels. I guess I like them best because they are soft and warm. I take a lot of art classes. I'm going to be a commercial artist. I need to go to school for it."
"You have talent. You're pretty good," I said.
"You don't even know the half of it, yet. I've got to go feed the animal; make him happy for the evening. We'll go out this weekend. After school Friday?"
"Yeah. Sounds good," I said as he went through the door.