April 23, 1998
The Cost Of Being Gay By Martin Miller
Before Friday rolled around, I had a steady visit from the guys next door. Robert wanted to know what Nylin and I talked about, and James wanted to know what Nylin and Robert and I talked about. The most apparent thing was that Nylin was looking for a friend and Robert and James thought he would reveal something about them they didn't want me to know. I found being in the middle of this triumvirate a little uncomfortable. I found Nylin fascinating because of his boldness. I wasn't sure about his intellect because of that boldness. I thought Robert and James were a lot more involved than they wanted me to know. I visited the bushes by the bedroom windows several times, but I didn't see anything educational.
Late Friday afternoon we walked up to the bowling alley. He smoked constantly from a pack of Marlboro cigarettes. I stayed four feet away from him, and he seemed to realize I hated to smell the things. We did manage to keep a conversation up. He talked a little about things he liked. It was the first time sex wasn't the main topic with everything else flowing around it. I missed the constant erection I usually had when I was with Nylin.
He wore those silly little boy pants with the elastic around the top. I'd figure out why he liked those later that evening. It made him look ten years old, and that made me nervous. I knew he was soon to be fifteen, but he just didn't look it to me. I still found myself watching him closely and feeling like I wanted to touch him and get naked with him as I pictured him getting fucked by James as he blew Robert. I wasn't sure why, but I kept seeing him naked with me. My dick did get hard after that.
He was coming off the alley after throwing a gutter ball when the complications set in.
"Hey you little faggot. They let you in here?"
Everyone within five lanes turned to look at the tall boy standing in front of our alley.
"You bowling with this little cock sucker, Martin?"
I knew the face. It was the younger brother of a kid I went to school with. His brother was a nice guy. I couldn't say the same for him.
"Why don't you walk away? Just walk away, okay."
"You with him. I thought you was cool? Wait till I tell my brother."
"They say there is only one way to know for sure. They say if you know for sure, you have to be doing it together. Something like it takes one to know one, they say. You telling me you are a cock sucker? Is that what you want us to believe here? You been sucking cock? I think maybe I should be having the talk with your brother."
"Fuck you, Martin. I know what he is." "You're a big mouth. I think of the two possibilities here, that annoys me most. Get lost you little asshole," I stood up as I spoke and walked toward him and his two very short companions. "I'd be careful of this one little boys, seems to have sucking cock on his mind. Better watch your zippers around this one," I said, looking up at the tall skinny boy as I stepped up on the step where he stood.
He was turning red as he beat a retreat being out gunned by my mouth. I felt very uncomfortable as everyone around the lanes seemed to have forgotten the charges and had become amused by our little exchange of words. Nylin had shrunk down in the hard plastic seat beside the isle. It made him look even smaller and younger than he already looked.
"Thanks. Never had anyone take up for me."
"Yeah! I hate guys that think they know everything."
"He knows," Nylin said.
"What?"
"He said, suck my dick. I said okay. Behind the junior high school. Didn't know he was so upset about it. Came back for repeats the last few days."
"You blew him?" I asked.
"Sure. Nice dick. Really gets off. I don't know why he is so mouthy tonight. Must have bit him."
"He just figured out you are gay," I said. "He must be a little slow. He should have figured it out when his dick was in your mouth," I said, not being polite about it.
"I don't think he was thinking too good right then by the way he reacted," Nylin said, as I got up to bowl feeling really uncomfortable.
We got cokes to go because I didn't want to be seen there, with him, by anyone else he'd been with. I still looked at a little boy and found it hard to believe he'd been with guys I knew.
"Why do you do it?" I asked.
"What's that?"
"Guys like that. What do you see in him.? Why would you risk it by doing something with him?"
"Ever seen his body?" Nylin asked."The way he strutts around showing off his dick? He wanted to do it. Why not?"
"I haven't seen his body, and why not is because of scenes like that. He's a little young isn't he?"
"He's almost fourteen. He's in my gym class. He's got a nice dick. We have lockers next to each other. He caught me checking him out. He made sure I got my eye full. Said, why don't you suck my dick, Nylin. I asked him when and where. In art class he asked me when and where. I told him to come to my house, but he wanted to meet behind the junior high school where he knew a place. Just unzipped his pants, but he almost fell down when he shot off. He beat a retreat but asked me a couple more times to meet him. Came by the house last time. Played with me while I blew him."
"Now he's going to spread it around school," I said.
"I don't know. You put a crimp in his style. You see the way those two little boys looked at him. He was a big shot when he came in, and left two feet tall. You did good, Martin. Why? You a faggot or something?"
"I hate people that pick on other people. What I am will never change that," I said.
"You fight him for me?" Nylin asked, looking at me funny.
"Not if I could out talk him. He's a little boy. I've known him since he was five. I'm not violent. I think most difficulties can be solved if you talk about it. I just talked faster than he did. I never thought he thought he could kick my ass."
"Even if you are a faggot talking to a bigot, you woulld fight him?"
"I've never had the experience," I said, as Nylin put his hand in mine.
"I think you just did," he said. "Where do you know Jimmy from?"
"I go to school with his brother. I used go to Sunday school with both of them. I'm sure I'll hear about it."
"Sorry. I don't usually have any friends. Never thought I'd be causing you trouble. It was my intention."
"Why are you holding my hand?" I asked.
"I thought you were holding mine," he said, as he dropped my hand.
"Why do you act like that?" I said, as we turned off the highway on to the back road that led to our street.
"What? I thought you were holding my hand," he said.
"Not that. Why do you do stuff with anyone."
"Wasn't anyone. Was him. He said to do it, why shouldn't I? I wanted to do it, so I did it. That's all."
"Now you've got to live with it," I said.
"So. Once you have a reputation the offers flood in," Nylin said. "You don't know what it is like. I feel powerful. He's crying about it tonight, next week, he'll be wanting to meet me. Guys that age always want it. They just can't deal with thinking about the implications."
"Which are?"
"Fuck, Martin. Everyone likes sex. Everyone wants it. I give them a way to do it. They get so excited they forget about all the crap that's laid on them saying you aren't supposed to feel that good. Once you get them started, they can't wait to pump out the come. Weren't you horny when you were my age?"
"I am your age, and I don't know anyone that horny to risk everything for it.."
"You're old, Martin."
"Thanks. I've got a feeling I'll age fast if I hang around your overssexed ass. You're a nypho," I said.
"What's that?"
"Sex crazy," I said.
"Yeah! That's me," he said, putting his hand in my pocket to see if I was hard. I was from thinking about him doing it with other guys.
"You seem to have something on your mind," he said, closing his hand on my erection. "You want I should take care of that for you before you have to do it yourself?"
"No!"
"You don't like me any more?" He asked.
"I didn't say that. I think sex should be more than just an orgasm," I said.
"It would be with you. You a vigin, Martin?"
"No, Nylin. I'm not a virgin," I said firmly.
"You ever been with a girl?"
Nylin had managed to corner me in the middle of the road walking down behind our houses. I had made up my mind not to lie about my sexuality, and here I was thinking about lying to him to protect myself.
"No," I said. "Happy?"
"You gay, Martin?"
"Look Nylin, what you are, who you are, I could never be like that. I like guys. I don't want to be with all of them. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me."
"I want to be with you," Nylin said.
"You want to be with everyone," I said.
"No. Just most of them. Makes me feel wanted."
"What difference does it make if you are with one guy, in his arms, being loved, or a different guy every night. It's still a matter of being in someone's arms, isn't it."
"If I'm with someone different every time, I don't have to worry about rejection. I don't have to worry about him saying, get lost. I'm over you. I'm over them. I move on. I don't get tied to anyone. Too complicated."
"That's the problem. I do want to be tied to someone, and only that someone. There aren't many people I like."
"You wouldn't suck that little boy off you had the chance?"
"No. I wouldn't. I've known him all my life."
"And why not?"
I don't know why I even thought about the question. I did think about it. I pictured the kid I saw him in the bowling alley. I didn't remember seeing him since he was nine or ten, though I saw his brother almost every day at school. My mind passsed through and around what I'd done and who I'd been with, and how I felt about it. I saw Nylin kneeling in front of that kid sucking him off.
"I know his brother. He'd tell people I knew. I'd be labeled a queer. That's why I wouldn't even if he wanted me to," I said, as honest as I could be. "You can't just let guys know you'll do that. They use it against you after they get what they want."
"So, if you were me, and he said suck my dick, and you didn't have all those things to worry about, you might go off behind the gym and suck his dick? Right? It's a nice one. He loved it. I loved it. I still don't know why not."
"So what? He didn't. I wouldn't. I'm not you," I said, wondering what it would be like to suck someone off I didn't even know or care about.
"Only because you can't you don't. I don't think I'm all that big a ho. I think everyone is a ho. They just are afraid someone will say they are a ho if they do what they want, so they don't. That's all. They don't, I do. Who oses, Martin. Me? I get what I want. Him? He get's what he wants. You. You get nothing. Who wins?"
"I must be catching it because you are making sense to me. I must need a drink or something," I said. "This is a small town. Guys talk. They're going to be talking about you."
"A drink or a blow job, maybe? We can just step into the bushes and I can take care of your problem in about two minutes. I owe you for protecting me," Nylin said, squeezing my erection yet another time as he rubbed his own bulging pants.
"Don't do that?" I said.
"Why. You hate it?"
"No. I like it, and I don't want you convincing me I'm like you. How many other guys from your school have you done something with? How many guys you going to blow tonight?"
"I don't know. I don't count," Nylin said. "Right now. Just you. I'll take care of your problem. I'll take the bulge out of your pants.
"You going to do it with that kid again?" I asked.
"Sure. When he comes back for more. He loves it. I think that's what pissed him off."
"Why?"
"To make them want it. I don't know. It's power."
"Until someone kicks your ass or worse. I'm not going to always be around," I said. "They might not always be little kids."
"I've always managed. Never had any trouble yet. Kicking my ass isn't what they usually have in mind anyway," he said. "They talk a lot. Make noise, and come back for more a few days later. Want to see it hard," Nylin asked while keeping his hand in my pocket.
"I've already seen it hard," I said, not thinking that it was through his window that I saw it.
"No you didn't. It was only half hard then. I didn't want to totally freak you out the first time. I'm about as big as you. Maybe you're a little wider. I guess I could get you a bit more turned on with something other than my hand," he said. "When you come down to it, I'm bigger than you because I'm smaller than you."
"You sure are, but it has nothing to do with size," I said.
"No. I like big ones. Not like Robert. James is about right. You're about right. I could make you feel really good before we head home," he said. "I would really like making you feel good."
"I don't think so, Nylin. It's like standing in line with you. It's not what I'm looking for. Getting a good blow job would be great, but not the way you want to do it."
"I need to come," he said. "I don't want to be too easy when I get home to the boys. I can jack off while I'm blowing you, or I can just jack off."
Nylin held my cock though my pocked and he slipped the elastic of his jeans down under his balls. This forced his equipment to stand straight out of his thick black pubes. It was impossible not to watch his hand, but I had trouble not looking at hard cocks any time I was around one. I guess his was no different. He didn't seem to care if I watched him or not, and his hand worked up and done over his shaft as he squeezed me in a rhythmic way.
"Want to touch it," he said, as his hand slowed down.
I did want to touch it, but I couldn't say the words. My mouth was dry, my dick was hard, and I was feeling a bit faint as his hand held fast to my dick
"It's okay," he said, "Let's make it fast. Someone will drive down here sooner or later."
He was hot and very hard. He took my wrist and put my hand on his cock. I squeezed it like he squeezed me. It was hot and moist and exciting. I felt up the shaft to feel the ridges around his nice cock head before letting it go. His balls were inviting and I felt the big hairless sac thinking there was room for a couple more balls in there. Before I moved my hand he was jacking off again as we strolled down the middle of the old asphalt road.
"Hold up just a second," he said, as his hand started moving very fast. The white liquid shot out in front of us. I could hear him breathing hard as we watched his come splatter on the black street. It was creamy but not as thick as mine.
"You sure you don't want me to blow you or something?" Nylin asked. "You feel ready for something. You need my lips to work it over. You won't be sorry."
"No. You just shot off. You don't ever get tired of doing it?" I asked.
"No. Not yet. I don't get tired of sex."
I really figured I shouldn't like Nylin, but I did. There was something pretty direct and honest about him. I have no trouble believing he could get what he wanted with his approach. It just wasn't something I could do. I think I wanted to be like him, but I didn't want to be like him if you know what I mean. Nylin was a confusing person to be around. He was fourteen going on forty.