Do What You Can

This story is about male/male relationships and contains graphic descriptions of sex.

You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal due to your age or residence.

This is a work of pure fiction.

Copyright 2003 Jason Calme. This story is the sole property of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on any website without the permission of the author.

Questions and commentary can be sent to "JasonCalme@yahoo.com".

Chapter 1

Danny Sullivan was the first gay person I ever met. Or at least the first person I met who I knew was gay.

Danny had 'come out' the year before in high school. Rumors had circulated that he was gay and he had never denied them, so everyone assumed it was true. Weird, huh?

No one hassled him about it that I know of. Maybe he got some catcalls and such, I don't really know, but he was never beaten up.

He was in the Drama Club, of course, and always hung out with 'those' kids.

He always seemed to be a happy kid, and he wasn't in your face about being gay. I didn't feel threatened by him or anything.

But then I didn't go out of my way to talk to him either. He had his own circle of friends and we just never mixed. I guess I was kind of glad of that, what with my own issues with sexual identity.

Here I was, almost 18, and sex was still a mystery to me. A mystery because I hadn't done anything beyond wanking. And yeah, I was getting pretty good at that! But I was really interested in getting together with 'someone' and comparing notes. I just couldn't figure out who to do it with. Girls I found different and interesting, but also unfathomable. What were they all about? I could chat with them, and that was kind of weird, but hanging with them? Why? I just didn't want to date them or have sex with them.

No. It was boys I wanted to do sex things with. I liked the way some guys looked. I wanted to see them naked. When I jerked off I thought about guys from school or that I'd seen on TV. Sometimes I thought about girls too, but that didn't seem to work as well. My dick was faulty or something. Occasionally I saw a really good looking woman and got a hard on, but I got more with guys.

But I didn't want to be gay.

I knew gay wasn't really bad. But I knew it wasn't good either. It was like being black. Sure! No one discriminates against blacks any more! It makes no difference if you are black or white. It's all about what you are as a person. The color of your skin won't effect what job you can get, where you live, and who you have as friends.

Yeah right! And if you believe that, you probably think George Bush got into Yale on merit!

It's crap! I'll bet you that you can't find any white person who would want to be black.

And can you blame me if I really wished that my dick would act straight? But it was like it had a mind of it's own.

So I didn't want to spend any time around Danny incase something happened. I don't know what. But I found Danny a little attractive. Not as much as some others guys, but I knew he was available. He was gay, so I could have him if I wanted. I assumed he was easy.

Why did I assume he was easy? Because he was gay. I'd read enough gay porn to know that all gays drop there pants and fuck at the drop of a hat. They are just total horn dogs.

I could have Danny.

But I didn't want to make that kind of decision. I was still trying to work at being straight. I kept thinking and hoping that I'd change and be 'straight.' I'd been thinking that for the last couple of years, and nothing seemed to be changing. If anything, I seemed to be getting less straight.

It was frustrating and frightening, and I had no one I could talk to about it.

Things took an unexpected twist when I got partnered with Danny for an English project. That was a little bit of a shock. We ended up working at the library because that was an easy and safe place to meet. It was the first time I'd spent any time with Danny and really talked to him.

It was a major revelation for me. He was so...normal.

I was a little nervous for the first 15 minutes, but his charm and friendly manner soon won me over, and by the end of the period it was like we were old friends.

The down side was that I kind of came to the conclusion that he wasn't what I thought. That he wasn't just going to bend over and let me fuck him if I asked him to. For my raging hormones that was a bit of a disappointment, but it gave me something to think about too. Maybe queers weren't raging perverts after all. Maybe, part of me thought, I could be one and still be relatively normal.

By the third time we got together things were going great between us. We made jokes, the project was working out well, and we were comfortable. I started thinking that Danny could be a friend. And part of me started thinking he could be more than that. He was pretty attractive.

At the end he got up and said he had to go as he was helping out at some shelter that night. We said goodbye and he was gone. We were going to work on the project again the following day. I was looking forward to it.

That night I thought about Danny while I was masturbating. I was wondering if I could ask him to do something other than studying with me. Maybe go to a movie.

I wondered what he looked like naked. I imagined him naked on top of me. For a moment I even wondered what it would be like to suck his dick.

I lay in bed, jerking my cock, my mouth open, imagining that tube of flesh pushing between my lips. I was close. Jerking faster. Running my tongue over my lips, wondering what he would taste like. What it would feel like. Would it be hot? Warm? Smooth? Rough? Hard? Soft?

And then I came.

Maybe tomorrow I'd ask him if he wanted to go to a movie or something.

I never got the chance.

The next day, going into school, I could tell something was up. People were grouped together in little clumps, and they looked sad and worried. I wondered what was up.

"Hey Jed!" a voice behind me called.

I turned and saw Lisa, a girl from my English class, coming up beside me. Lisa and I had kind of grown up together. We had been in the same class through much of primary school, and though we weren't close friends we talked quite often.

"Whatzzup?" I called to her smiling.

She looked at me sadly.

"You haven't heard yet?" she asked.

"Heard what?" I asked.

"Danny Sullivan was hit by a drunk driver last night."

"No shit? What happened?"

"He was walking home and this guy pulled out of a parking lot and ran him down," she said.

"Shit? Is he going to be okay?" I asked. I realized my heart was beating fast and I felt really nervous. Almost panicking.

She looked at me sadly, her eyes watering, and suddenly I knew the answer.

"He's...he died," she said quietly.

"Oh my God!" I said. I was stunned. I just stood there staring at her. I didn't know what to say or do, I'd just seen him yesterday. He'd seemed so...alive. I'd thought about him while I was wanking. I was thinking of asking him to go to a movie. He couldn't be dead.

The next thing I knew I was sitting on the ground, tears running down my face. Lisa sat down beside me. She kept repeating "Are you okay?" and I couldn't even open my mouth to say anything to her. My mouth was dry. I was sobbing. I'd never had someone close to me die before. My fathers parents had died when I was young, but I didn't really know them. They'd lived across country so I hardly saw them.

Danny's death was the first experience I'd had of the death of someone I knew, and it was frightening.

I just sat there.

"Jed! Jed! Are you okay?" Lisa was almost shouting at me.

I turned to her, "I just...I saw him before he left school," I said breathlessly, "we were working on our project. We're going to work on the project today..." I trailed off.

Lisa looked at me, her own face full of anguish and concern, and then I heard another voice.

"Are you okay Jed?"

I looked up and saw Mrs. Varney, an English teacher I'd had a couple of years before, squatting down beside me.

"He had been working with Danny on a project," said Lisa by way of explanation. Put like that it didn't make much sense, but I didn't say anything.

"Are you going to be okay Lisa?" Mrs. Varney asked her.

"I think I'm okay," she said.

"Why don't you go on to home room and I'll take care of Jed."

"Okay. Jed, I'll talk to you later, okay?" said Lisa.

"Yeah," I said softly.

I turned to Mrs. Varney, who smiled at me.

"Jed, how about we get up and go inside. There's some counselors in the cafeteria you can talk to, or if you like I can call your parents."

"Okay," I said, because I really didn't know what to do, and that's what she seemed to want me to do.

I got up awkwardly and we slowly walked in. Mrs. Varney had gently put an arm on my shoulder, and I was just concentrating on breathing.

By the time we got inside I was starting to feel a bit better. I think the initial shock had passed.

"Did you just find out?" she asked me.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Must have been quite a shock," she said.

"Yeah...I...I just saw him...I was...we were going to work together today." I said, then I don't know why, I added, "he has all the papers."

"That's all right. You don't have to worry about that."

"He has my English books too!" I said. I wasn't excited or worried about it. I don't know why I said it.

"We'll get you a new one," she said.

"I don't want a new one," I said. I was babbling.

We stopped in the corridor for a moment. Mrs. Varney standing next to me. I was just concentrating on breathing, trying to get a grip.

"Do you want to go to the cafeteria?" Mrs. Varney asked after a couple of minutes, "or do you want me to call your parents?"

"Uh..."

"There's going to be an extended homeroom, and anyone who wants to can go home. But we have to call your parents. Do you want me to do that?"

"Uh...I think I'll go to homeroom," I said. I'd started to pull myself together. The initial shock had passed. I just felt a little numb.

"Are you sure Jed?"

"Yes," I nodded.

"Well, if you change your mind, just go down to administration. Okay?"

"Yes, thanks," I said.

"You're welcome Jed." She smiled, and then I started off towards my homeroom. I turned back a couple of times and saw she was standing there watching me. I waved to her at one point - a short little wave - and she smiled at me.

I have no idea what happened in homeroom. Or the rest of the day for that matter. I didn't cry or anything. I just sat there. Walked around. I don't know if I spoke to anyone. I was numb.

The next day things were a little more normal. Some people were still upset, but most people were back into the routine. They didn't know Danny. Had never really known who he was. Sat next to him. Talked to him.

Thought about doing sex things with him.

I was still kind of in shock, and also in mourning for what might have been. It wasn't like we'd been lovers or even friends forever, but I was still sad he was gone. I'd get over it, but the initial shock had hit me hard. In another couple of days I would probably be back to my normal self. In a couple of weeks I'd probably only think about Danny now and again.

It was just after dinner when the phone rang. My Mom went to the phone, spoke for a few minutes and then came out and said "Jed., it's for you."

"Hello?" I said.

"Uh, Jed? This is Ellie Sullivan, I'm Daniels Aunt."

"Oh," I said, and suddenly I felt my stomach drop and my eyes watered. I don't know why. I noticed that my Mom was hovering around me.

"Jed, I'm just calling because...well Daniel had some of your books and papers..."

"Oh. Yeah...we were...we were working on a paper for English together."

"Oh," she said quietly.

I don't know why I said it, but I added, "We'd worked on it on the afternoon of...the afternoon..." and I trailed off and I was crying. My Mom came up and took the phone from me.

"Hello, yes..." my mother said into the phone, and I stood there trying to wipe my eyes. "No he's just...yes...oh I don't know...I think they'd just been working together on this project for the last couple of weeks." She paused, "I think Danny made a big impression," and she looked at me and smiled. I was standing there wiping my eyes and trying to pull myself together.

"Alright, I'll tell him," my Mom said, and then she hung up.

"Tell me what?" I asked.

"Well, they were just calling to invite you to a private wake tomorrow night. There's going to be a public event on Saturday, but close friends and family are invited tomorrow. You're invited if you want to go. Only go if you want to. You don't have to go, and they won't be upset if you don't turn up. They'll understand."

"Okay," I said, "I'll think about it."

I probably wouldn't have gone. I don't know why I did. I think I felt like I had to since they'd called and asked me. It was an obligation. Maybe I was worried that hardly anyone would turn out. How would Danny's family feel if that happened? He'd been a nice kid. We'd been working together. I owed him this.

And I did miss him.

I'd never been to a wake before. My Mother came, though I was proud I managed to hold it together pretty well. It was an open casket, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't see him dead. He was still alive in my mind, and I wanted him to stay that way. I knew he was dead. I didn't need to know he was gone.

For a moment I wondered if there would be a tire mark over his face, or something like that. Pretty sick, I know. It just came to me, and I knew they wouldn't have an open casket if that were the case.

Would they?

So we stood about with some other people, in a room adjacent to the room with the casket. We didn't really say anything to anyone, and I wasn't sure what to do. I could see the casket, but I couldn't see him. Part of me was kind of curious, but most of me didn't want to go. I knew I'd do a waterworks if I saw him.

My Mom went off to get us both a drink and I was standing against a wall, trying not to be noticed. I was remembering the last time I saw Danny. When he'd said he was going to go help at a shelter and I'd been surprised.

"Really?" I'd said curiously. "Why you do that?"

"Hey, you've got to do what you can to make the world a better place!" he'd said with a serious expression on his face. Then he'd grinned and playfully punched my shoulder and said, "See ya!"

I smiled to myself, thinking about that, then I looked up and there was a woman standing in front of me. She looked kind of familiar, though I couldn't think why.

"Are you Jed?" she asked me.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"I'm Carrie, I'm Danny's sister," and she held out her hand and I took it and shook it. "Thank you for coming," she said.

I realized she looked very like Danny.

"That's okay," I said, not knowing what else to say, "I'm really sorry..." I said, trailing off.

She nodded slowly, pursing her lips.

She smiled. "My Aunt told me you'd been working with Danny that afternoon."

"Yeah," I said, "we were doing a project. After we were done he said he had to go to help at a shelter."

She tried to smile.

"He said that he..." I paused, wondering if I should say it. "That you've got to do what you can to make the world a better place."

"He said that?" she smiled, a sad smile.

"Yeah, just before he left. I think it was partly a joke at the time but now..." and I looked down.

"That was just like him," she said.

I looked up. "I didn't really know him that well. Just the last couple of weeks we'd been hanging out. He was...I really wish I'd had the chance to be his friend."

We were both standing there. My eyes were watering, and I saw a little tear run down her face. I felt like I should shut up. I was upsetting her. I felt terrible. I didn't know where to look. But then my Mom came up and introduced herself to Danny's sister and they chatted for a moment and the pressure was off. I sniffed and wiped my eyes and felt better.

His sister turned to go, but then stopped.

She turned back to me and quietly said "I know this sounds...well I've been away at college so I didn't see a lot of Danny the last few months...I was just wondering...was he happy? Did he seem to be happy?"

She was looking at me, almost a pleading look in her eyes.

I nodded. "He seemed really happy," I said, telling the truth, "we joked around and had a great time, and he was always smiling. He was laughing when he...when he left..."

"Thanks," she said smiling and walked away, dabbing at her face with a handkerchief.

"Are you okay?" Mom asked.

"Yeah," I nodded taking the drink she'd brought back.

"We'll go in a little bit," she said quietly and I nodded and leaned against the wall. Pulling myself together. I could do this. Just a few more minutes.

About ten minutes later my Mom said we should get going. She went off to give our regrets to Danny's Mom and Dad. I think she thought I couldn't have handled talking to them about Danny.

I was still leaning against the wall, waiting for Mom to come back, when in came someone I didn't expect to see.

Zack Taylor.

Zack was from my school. He was in a couple of my classes. A bit of a jock, he was on the swim team. He was tall, thin, with short curly light brown hair and I always thought he looked hot. He was one of the guys I thought about when jerking off.

But I'd never even talked to him. He was this God-like creature. A tall, good-looking, cocky kid, with a lot of confidence, and girls falling all over him. We moved in different circles.

He looked very different today. He was dressed in khakis and white shirt, rather than the usual faded blue jeans and tight t-shirt. But it was his face that had really changed. His eyes were red and there were tears running down his face and he looked like he was in pain. He was leaning on a woman who I guessed to be his mother. They walked slowly into the room containing the coffin. I saw Danny's Mom come over to them and hug them both and walk with them up to the coffin. Zack stood there and sobbed. Several other people had turned to see the show that was playing out before us. Danny's Dad came over to stand beside them.

Zack inched closer and Danny's Mom whispered something to him. It looked like he was reaching out to touch Danny, and then he turned and just collapsed against his mother. Danny's Dad stepped forward and helped her lead Zack out of the room and to a chair in the room I was in.

I backed up against the wall and tried to melt into it. I felt so embarrassed to have watched that. It was such a private moment. I didn't know what to think. I didn't even know Zack knew Danny.

Danny's Mother and Father were leaning down and talking to Zack and he was nodding, obviously crying, his hand over his eyes. Danny's sister came over with a box of paper tissues and offered them to him.

I was looking around for my Mom, but didn't see her. I just wanted to leave. I was starting to feel all strange again. Zack's display of emotion was making me want to cry. I had to get out of there.

Just as I felt a panic attack start, I saw Mom coming down the hall. She must have gone to the bathroom. I walked across the room to the door. As I walked I glanced over and saw Zack. He looked up and he might have seen me. I couldn't tell. We didn't make eye contact. I hoped he didn't see me. It would all be too awkward.

I didn't see Zack for a couple of weeks. I don't think he came to school for several days. Danny's death had obviously hit him hard. I heard someone say that Zack and Danny had been friends since kindergarten. I didn't even know they knew each other.

When Zack did turn up again he was a changed kid. Not that I particularly paid attention to him, but his eyes looked hollow and he didn't smile any more. He didn't do any work either. A week or so later I heard he'd dropped out of the swim team. I couldn't figure that out as I thought he was hoping to get an athletic scholarship.

It had been over a month since Danny's death and I'd pretty much forgotten Danny. He'd been a friend for a moment, but now he was gone and the reality was, we'd been friends for such a short time - never really hung out - that there wasn't a whole lot to miss.

So I was a little shocked when I was sitting in the library that day and I pulled out my English book and a piece of paper slipped out.

It was one of the books of mine Danny had had. It hadn't been with him when he died. I didn't want that stuff back. It had been in his room with some other papers of mine, and his sister had come over one day to drop them off. I was actually glad I wasn't at home when she did.

For a couple of days I didn't touch the book. But then I either had to use it or buy a new one and I decided what the hell.

I pulled out the slip of paper. It had some writing on it that wasn't mine. It must have been Danny's. It was just some notes from the book for the assignment. There was really none of his personality there. No message from beyond the grave. But still, I ran my finger absently over the writing. He'd written that just a month or so ago. Back when he was still alive.

Now he was gone.

This might be all I had of his I thought. I couldn't just toss it.

Then I remembered I had some other papers at home that had his writing on as well. I hadn't touched those.

I was about to throw the paper away but I just couldn't do it. It was like I was erasing him from the planet. I folded the paper up carefully and was going to put it back in the book. I'd think about it later.

Then I looked up and saw him.

Zack was sitting at a desk a few rows away. He had a book in front of him, but it didn't look like he was reading it. He was bent over it, the elbow of his right arm resting on the desk, his head propped up by his hand. He could be sleeping.

I looked at the paper in my hand, and then at Zack. And I thought about how haunted and lost he looked. And in front of me I could see a smiling face saying 'Do what you can.'

I tried to ignore it. What was I thinking? Zack'd probably just blow me off if I tried to talk to him.

A couple of weeks after the wake I had run into Zack at school. I'd been walking along, talking with some friends, and I looked up and Zack was standing right in front of me. He was looking down, lost in his thoughts, and he looked up. We looked into each other's eyes and his widened, and I knew that he had seen me at the wake. I blushed, and stepped aside to let him pass, and he just kind of looked in several different directions at once, as though unsure what to do, and walked on his way.

And even though we shared classes, I never ran into him again after that.

I looked at the paper again, and remembered something in my backpack. I found the homework assignment for History and pulled it out. Then I gathered up my pack and wandered over to where Zack was sitting.

I cleared my throat and Zack kind of shifted, and then looked up slowly.

"Hey," I smiled.

He looked at me, his eyes searching, his face a mask. The eyes were dull, the lips thin and tight, the skin pale. I wondered if Danny had looked like this, lying in that coffin.

"Uh...I was wondering..." I began, "I've been having trouble with this homework quiz and I wondered if you had an answer for number four?" I held up the paper and his eyes shifted to it and then back to me.

"No," he shook his head, "I haven't done it yet."

I bit back the urge to say 'I figured.' From what little I'd seen, Zack had pretty much stopped doing any work.

"Well," I said hopefully, "do you think you could help me with it? We could work on it together. I really want to do this as I need to keep my grades up." I was lying. But I had to say something.

He shrugged. I thought he was going to tell me to piss off, but he turned to his pack and started to search through the pile of papers he had in there. He pulled out several; none of them done, or even attempted, and paged through them until he pulled out the page I was working on.

He put it down and I pulled out the chair beside him and sat down. Out of the corner of his eye he watched me, but he didn't say anything.

"So what have you got for number one?" I asked casually.

He looked at the blank page in front of him, then turned to me with a rye smile and shrugged. "Nothing," he said with a small grin.

I rolled my eyes. "Well what do you think?"

He read the question aloud and then I prompted him for the answer. After a bit of thinking he got it and I told him it was right and he wrote it on the paper. We went through the whole page like that, me prompting, hinting and if all else failed, giving him the answers, until we finished.

He finished up the page and I jokingly told him how to spell his name. He smiled good-naturedly, and scrawled his name.

"Thanks, Man," he said.

"Kay," I said nodding. "You're in my Math class too, right?"

"Yeah."

"Wonna work on those?"

"That's okay," he said, "you don't have too..."

"I want to help." I said.

"Why do you want to help me?" he asked. It wasn't petulant or argumentative, he just sounded curious.

"Hey, just doing my bit to make the world a better place," I said shrugging, "besides, I don't mind. Actually it's good practice for me doing the stuff again. Unless it's interrupting your sleeping?"

He looked at me curiously, and then he smiled. I hadn't seen him smile for a long time.

He went back to the bag and pulled out three weeks worth of papers. I rolled my eyes.

"Geez Louise!" I said.

"I've been kind of out of it," he said apologetically.

"That's okay. Let's get to work."

We only got through one page before the bell rang for next period. He stacked everything together and I told him not to forget to hand in the stuff we'd done.

He nodded and said thanks and we stood there awkwardly for a moment. Then he said good-bye and left.

------------------------------- To be continued...

I'm going to try and post updates to this story reasonably frequently, though All The Ways I Love You is my current priority.

My other stories:

Boy Bands: All The Ways I Love You

Boy Bands: Birthday Blues