Hi all. Shall we start with the standard disclaimers, seeing as they all apply here? This is not meant to imply anything about the members of Nsync. It is a fantasy.
First off, I want to thank Gene. Without your help, I doubt this would have ever actually been posted. You are really cool and a great friend. Thanks :-) And I want to thank Ash...you remind me that there is joy in the world and always when I need it the most.
Any feedback is appreciated. This is not my first fan fic although it is my first boy band fic. Slightly different genres so forgive me if it is a little out of the ordinary. Kameko1@excite.com
Warnings....this is a one-shot. There will be no sequels. Second...there is no sex here. Sorry...
Thanks And now on with the show......... Eriker
Doin' It
Lance sighed as he gazed at his lover. JC had crashed as soon as they'd settled in the hotel room. Lance wasn't really one for partying but lately it seemed as if his life consisted of working and watching JC, whose free time was spent in dreamland.
It hadn't always been like this. Somewhere in the last year they'd moved from fresh dewey-eyed love to old `married' couple. He could remember when they never went right to sleep. JC would always have something planned. Going out to clubs or to a nice dinner was the norm, but what Lance missed most were the nights they would sit up all night talking and end up falling asleep in awkward positions but feeling like all was right with the world. Lance would give anything for those times again, well almost anything.
He knew that JC would stay up or even go out if asked to, but Lance also knew the price they would have to pay. JC would have to use more and that was the last thing either of them needed. Lance understood or at he least tried to. JC had explained it all,...he had to do it or he couldn't keep his energy level up. He couldn't be the JC everyone expected and seemed to love. Lance, of course, loved them both. The high energy heart throb but perhaps more he loved the quiet, rather brooding man who had held him and caressed him all night their first time....hell Lance's first time ever.
Somewhere though the distinction had been lost. JC needed to use it to even get out of bed some days. Yes, getting out of bed. That would be the next step in Lance's day. He glanced at the porta-alarm on the nightstand. Ten minutes 'til it was set to ring. <> He reached over and flicked it off. Lance shifted down to kiss JC lightly on the cheek. His lover twitched a little and seemed to be coming around. "Hey love,....time to get up," Lance said softly, "Come on, love." JC's eyes fluttered then slowly came open to focus on his lover.
"Huh?" JC was ever so articulate in the mornings.
"Time to get up," Lance repeated. "We need to be in Chris's room for breakfast in an hour. If we get up now we have plenty of time." Lance had to stop himself from making that statement any more suggestive. JC was extremely sensitive about that area of their love life. Lance had to let the older man initiate all love play these days.
"Okay, okay," JC muttered as he rolled over and sat up. "I hate mornings." He was moving pretty slow but managed to stand and stumble to the bathroom.
JC always took the first shower. It was just part of the routine they had settled into. Lance sighed and pulled himself out of bed. He was mildly disappointed but he had come to expect it and he accepted the fact that they rarely made love anymore. <> He had read all the literature he could find on it once he had figured out what JC was using. Lance knew that "lack of interest in sex" was a big side affect. "Loss of ability to perform" was another. <> Lance was content holding his love at night. The sex was always wonderful but lately had become non-existent and that had to be okay. He had to be careful though. JC always wanted to cuddle and things and sometimes Lance couldn't control his reaction. He hated having to watch himself so carefully. <>
Lance got up and set about choosing their outfits for the day and by the time he had finished JC was turning off the water. <>
Just as the blond had predicted JC literally bounced out of the bathroom a few minutes later. He practically ran to Lance and tried to hug him. Lance was mildly annoyed this morning and before he could stop himself he ducked out of the way. JC looked confused so Lance covered as always. "Hey hon, let me shower first...I stink and you smell all pretty now," he said as he stuck his tongue out at JC. They had a running joke about JC's cologne. JC grinned and let Lance get around him and into the bathroom.
Once in the bathroom, Lance glanced around. A couple dirty towels were piled up in the corner. He pushed down his boxers and kicked them off before leaning in to start the shower. As he turned to move a towel within reach his eyes fell to the wastebasket. <<Shit.>> There was a wad of bloody tissue in it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. <<Put it out of your mind, Lance. He just cut himself shaving.... Yeah, that's what happened.>>
Lance stepped under the warm spray and sat about his cleaning rituals while trying to blank his mind. Once done, he toweled off before stepping out onto the tile floor. Grabbing his comb and gel off the counter he started to create his spikes. Setting down the gel, he felt something on his hand and looked at the counter. <> He brushed the white substance off his hand and grabbed his damp towel. He wiped down the counter, numb to what he was actually seeing and doing.
Grabbing his dirty clothes and wrapping a towel around his waist he stepped out into the room. JC was on the phone and so Lance started to get dressed. <> He was set to go by the time JC finished his call. He looked at what JC was wearing and as usual it was completely different from what he had laid out. That made him smile a little. "Let's go get Justin up and head over, okay?" he asked.
"Yeah....Joey and Chris asked me to go shopping after breakfast Do you want to go?" JC asked as he looped his arm around the other man.
"No. I'm still tired so I'll stick around here and take it easy. Is Justin going?"
"Nope, didn't sound like he was."
"I'll try to catch some TV or something," Lance smiled at JC. "Maybe Justin can join me."
"Okay cool," JC said as they stepped out of their sanctuary and into the "real world".
After breakfast three of them had left and Justin and Lance had settled in to watch some TV and chill. Lance could tell that something was on Justin's mind and had the feeling that this whole shopping trip had been set up to get him alone.
"Okay...what?" Lance finally snapped after the tension got to him.
"We need to try to do something about JC's problem. We need to talk to him or intervene or something," Justin said as he sat down across from Lance.
"Justin, you know what he's like when we try to talk to him about it." This was the last thing Lance wanted to discuss right now.
"I know, but it's becoming a problem." Justin said as he watched Lance's eyes dart around the room. They were going to have this discussion no matter what Lance wanted...it was long overdue.
"Why? He's fine on-stage....he's okay whenever we have to work."
"Yeah, maybe he is for now but he isn't okay on our downtime and I miss him being healthy. How long until it seeps into the job time? He has been doing this for years...how long can he last?" Justin felt himself choke a little as he said it but he knew that Lance had to face this and so did he.
"How long?" Lance asked almost wistfully. "He never did tell me when he started. He won't talk about it"
Justin hated dissecting this. It hurt. "When I look back on it , he was even doing it back in the MMC days. I wasn't as keyed into his personality then but I remember times...," Justin sighed. "I guess I just didn't understand then. That and I idolized him."
"Just, you know...," Lance started.
"Yeah I know...he was just a kid too, but damn, he was everything I wanted to be. He was cool and popular and confident. Hell, he still is all that in a way." Justin was loosing his hold here...."Damn it! Why did it have to turn out like this?"
"Like what? Justin, we have everything we could ever want," Lance trailed off a to an almost whisper. "I have everything. I am in love with a wonderful guy. I am happy."
Justin smiled ruefully...<<God, it sounds like he repeats that to himself often enough.>> "Lance, you aren't happy."
"Yes," Lance gazed at the floor as he spoke. "Yes, I am".
"No you aren't and you still can't lie for shit. I know you...hell, I'm around you almost as much as JC is. Maybe you're happy every once in a while...but not like you were and certainly not like you describe. Yes, we have almost everything but you, my friend, are in love with a coke addict," Justin winced as he said it out loud for the first time. "And my best friend is killing himself."
Lance tried to respond but nothing came out.
"Truth hurts, doesn't it? You know what else?" Justin knew he was being harsh but the time for gentleness was over. "There isn't anything left to talk about. We can try but as long as you don't see the problem the rest of us are powerless. I know Chris and Joey are with me on this. You need to take a good look at yourself and him and this whole fucking situation." Justin blinked as the tears started to come but he knew he had to stay in control here. "Maybe it just isn't worth it anymore."
Lance stared at Justin, obviously spooked. "What? What are you getting at?"
<<Well...can't stop now.>> Justin thought to himself as he continued. "The reason JC says he uses is to keep up with the whole `us' thing....What if there wasn't an us? What would his reason be then?"
"Just,...you can't be serious." Lance was scared now...he was practically shaking.
"Why? If it's a choice between watching my best friend disintegrate and what we do. You are right..I already have everything right now. I could walk away and still be happy with what I've done and what I have." This was something Justin had put a lot of thought into...this was also as close as he could come to issuing Lance an ultimatum.
"You love it...you love performing...you love singing. JC loves it." Lance was almost panicking now.
"Lance, I will never stop singing. Performing," Justin sighed again, "I have done enough of that in my life...for now anyway. Yes, I love all this but I love JC more. Do you?"
Lance jumped a bit. "God yes. I love him more than life. You know that."
"Then why the hell are you letting this continue? Are you seriously that scared of confronting it? Does it worry you so much that life will get tough...that your situation, your routine will change?" Justin knew he was being way too hard on Lance but this was the one part he couldn't understand. If you are in love someone you don't look the other way while they destroy themselves.
"No." Lance was trembling. "No...it's just that he's doing okay. Really he is. He said he's cutting back."
Justin studied the other blond for a second. <> "Lance...listen to me. He isn't. If anything he's using more...look at me." Justin waited 'til the green eyes met his. "Wouldn't it be better to try now instead of after he has a stroke or heart attack or dies? Although I guess it will be pretty easy to make him quit doing it once he's a vegetable won't it?"
Lance winced and looked away.
"You know I'm right...," Justin said "You know it so why..."
The door opened and JC entered the small room. "Hey guys, we're back. What are you up to?"
"Hi love," Lance said as he forced a smile. "We weren't doing anything...just talking."
Justin shoots Lance a pointed look as JC comes over to the couch and sits next to Lance. "Missed you hon'," JC mumbled as he reclined against Lance resting his head on Lance's chest. "We have about two hours before we leave for the arena. I was thinking about a nap."
"Okay...tell you what...I'll sit here and hold you and maybe catch some sleep myself." Lance smiled down at JC as he settled.
"I love you, `sten." JC said as he grinned.
Justin got up, obviously frustrated, "I'm gonna go hunt down Joey and Chris...maybe we can grab a snack. I feel like eating some nice vegetables for some reason...."
Lance glares up at him as JC speaks. "You are truly weird, Curly. Bye, come get us in a while." JC curls up around Lance and starts to drift off as Justin leaves.
Lance shifts a little to get more comfortable and notices a little dried blood under JC's nose. <<...and I'm watching him sleep again...or is it watching him die slowly. Maybe they're right. God, I love him so much...please help him.>> Tears began to streak down Lance's face not for the first time and certainly not the last.