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LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS ~ Chapter 4 ~
From the Narrative of Harrison Ridgeway IV:
I heard Mom call out to me from downstairs. "Harrison dear, come down for dinner. Your father is already at the table."
I steeled myself and went downstairs. Dad didn't even look up when I entered the dining room and sat down at the table.
"Alistair," Mom said gently. "Your son's here."
Dad looked at Mom. "You expect me to be happy about that?"
I looked down at my plate, feeling hurt. I could feel tears gathering in my eyes. Mom looked towards me and then back towards Dad.
"Alistair," she said reproachfully. "Harrison's come home from prison, where he served time for a crime he didn't commit. Aren't you glad that he's home safely?"
Dad glared at Mom and angrily said, "He made me look like a fool in front of my constituents. I had to publicly apologize for his mistake, and now it turns out there was no need for that. They're saying I'm a bad parent for not believing he was innocent."
That was it. I was outraged. He hadn't so much apologized as disowned me. "Well, you could have believed me when I told you I didn't do it," I snapped at him.
Dad looked at me disdainfully. His glare was enough to make me lose my newfound courage. Why did Dad always have that effect on me?
"You're right, I should've known a sissy like you could never hit a guy, not even one who deserved it."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You would prefer me to have actually bashed up that guy?"
"That damned faggot got what he had coming to him," said Dad coldly.
"Alistair, please," Mom interjected. "That poor boy didn't do anything wrong either. His parents were so worried he wouldn't make it. You wouldn't want that to happen if it were your son."
I know Mom was trying to make peace, but her efforts had the completely opposite effect.
Dad looked straight at me and said in an icy tone, "If my son were gay, I'd kill him myself."
Mom gasped in shock. "Alistair!" I felt a chill go down my spine.
I was thankful when dinner was over. I could retreat to my room and cry. My dad was going to kill me if he ever found out about what had happened between me and Caleb. I'd be dead for committing what was, in my father's eyes, an unforgivable sin. I put my head in my hands and wept.
There was no way Dad was going to accept my sexuality which I'd only accepted so recently. I wished I could go back to the way it was before, but I'd already crossed that line and given into my feelings for another man. There was no going back even I wanted to please my father. And I did so desperately want to please him, even though I knew there was no way I'd be good enough for him.
"Harrison." Mom had come into my room so quietly I hadn't even noticed. "Harrison, your father's upset now, but he didn't mean those things he said earlier. Of course he's happy that you're home."
I realized Mom thought the reason I was crying was Dad's coldness about my homecoming. Well, that was part of the reason, but I couldn't share with Mom my darkest secrets. I felt her put her arms around me and I sobbed into her shoulder.
"It'll be alright soon, I promise," Mom whispered.
Suddenly a voice flashed through my mind - Dad calling me a sissy. If he saw me here crying on Mom's shoulder, especially with him already in a foul mood, he would be infuriated. I stopped crying and gently unwrapped Mom's arms from around me.
"Mom, I'm okay now. You'd better go and get some sleep. Phoebe told me you were so excited about me coming home, you hardly slept well last night," I said, while wiping away the tears on my face with the back of my hand.
Mom looked at me worriedly. "Are you sure, dear? I could stay a while if you -"
I cut in firmly. "No, Mom, it's okay. You can go now." I knew it sounded like I was ordering her to leave, but I really didn't feel her presence would help me in any way. Mom left me in my room, glancing back at me before she shut the door.
After she'd left, I threw myself back on the bed. Lying on my back, I stared up at the ceiling, thinking about my relationship with my father. I was scared of him, yet at the same time I longed to be accepted by him, to impress him. I knew that my sexuality certainly wasn't going to help the situation at all. What was I going to do? It wasn't as if I was actually going to pursue a gay relationship. The only person I could have considered for that was Josh, and I'd already given him up to Reid. But my damned feelings for him just wouldn't go away. Even my fear of my father finding out I was gay didn't seem to prevent me from remembering how wonderful it had been when he'd kissed me.
With all those thoughts swirling around my mind, it was no wonder I couldn't go to sleep. After tossing and turning in bed for a couple of hours, I finally got up from my bed. I needed to go out somewhere, some place where I could organize my thoughts clearly. I knew just the place. Pulling on my clothes, I quietly crept out of my room, careful not to make any noise that might wake my parents, got into my car and drove off into the night.
Ten minutes later, I got out of my parked car and started
climbing. It was dark of course, but the moon shone every
now and then through the trees, lighting the familiar path. I reflected on how I hadn't been here in years, but still it
had come so easily to mind when I'd been thinking about a quiet place for contemplation. The municipal corporation had recognized the wonderful view of the ocean at the top of the
cliff and built the path leading up to it, as well a bench
right at the top. Yet I'd never seen anyone else there
before.
I couldn't credit myself with discovering the spot; it was
Josh who'd first shown it to me. It was only a five minute
walk from his house. I remembered all the times we'd snuck
out of his house at night to make our way there. It was possible to climb down the steep cliff face to a small sandy
beach. I smiled sadly as I recalled the midnight swimming
races we'd had in the freezing water. I'd never have good
times like those ever again, certainly not with Josh.
I stepped out of the trees and the moonlight shone brightly, uninterrupted, onto the flat area at the top of the cliff. I started to move towards the bench, and then paused. There was already someone else sitting on it, staring out to the ocean. I could see the back of the person's head. My heart stopped. I'd recognize the curly black hair and the way he slouched forward anywhere. It was Josh.
Shit, I thought. One person I wanted to avoid and I come straight to him. How could I have been so stupid as to come here? This was his favorite spot after all. I couldn't face him after the way I'd left him earlier in the day. I silently backed away from the bench, hoping he wouldn't notice my shadow. And then, of course, I had to step on a twig. In the stillness of the night, the sound was unbearably loud. I froze.
Josh quickly turned his head around to face me. I knew he would definitely recognize me in the bright moonlight. I turned to run off, when I heard Josh's voice.
"Harry, is that you? Wait! Don't go."
I wanted to flee, but I knew there was no way I could outrun Josh, who'd always been a lot more athletic than me. I turned back around, feeling resigned. I silently cursed my fate, which seemed to be totally against me that day.
Josh got up from his seat and came towards me. The moonlight illuminated the wet streaks on his face. I suddenly realized that he'd been crying.
"Harry, why are you running away from me? Don't you like me anymore?" he asked me sadly.
I didn't know what to say. I felt like my heart was being torn apart. I wanted so much to hug him, but I knew that if I did that, it would lead to something more. And I'd given Reid my word that I wouldn't break up their relationship.
Josh continued. "Are you going to speak to me? Look, I'm sorry I came on to you so strongly this afternoon. Was that what scared you off? I didn't mean to, but I just couldn't control myself. I'm sorry, Harry. I should've known better, that you're not comfortable with this - it's all new to you." He looked at me, waiting for a reply. But I still couldn't speak. I looked down at my feet.
Josh reached out and touched my shoulder. His mere touch sent a shiver of ecstasy through my body. I looked up, into his beautiful grey eyes, glistening with tears.
"Harry, please, say something, anything," he begged. "Even if it's to tell me that you hate me. Your silence is killing me." Another tear rolled down his cheek.
With great difficulty I managed to find my voice. "I don't hate you. If we . if we were to have met under different circumstances, we might even have been able to make this work."
Josh looked at me. "What do you mean, different circumstances?"
"I mean . . . Josh, you're already in a relationship."
"But I already told you that doesn't mean anything," he protested. "Not what having you back in my life would mean."
"Josh, Reid is a far better person for you than I could ever be. I mean, he's out, right?"
Josh nodded silently.
"Well, that's already one above me. I can't have a relationship with you, or any other guy for that matter, because I'm still in the closet. And Reid is handsome and more experienced in gay relationships than I am."
"Reid's only experienced in gay sex, not real relationships. He's never even had one before."
"Except with you," I pointed out. Josh looked confused.
"But he knows that was only a temporary, no strings attached thing. He doesn't have a problem with it."
I wanted to tell Josh, yes he does. But I couldn't bring myself to say it. Despite the obvious animosity Reid had towards me, I could tell that he sincerely loved Josh. And the two of them did belong together.
"Josh, go home to Reid. Please? I'm begging you."
Josh stared at me. "You really don't have any feelings for me?"
I stumbled over my words. "It's not that, it's just . I want you to be happy."
"How do you expect me to be happy with someone I don't love?" Josh asked.
I didn't know what to say to that. I managed to choke out, "Please, Josh, don't ask me any more questions. It's hard enough as it is. Just be happy with Reid, because you can't be with me." I turned to go.
Josh grabbed hold of my arm to stop me. "Harry, I don't want to lose you again. Even if you don't want us to be lovers, can we at least be friends?"
"You'd still want to be friends with me?" I asked him, surprised.
Josh gestured around him. "Look at this place, Harry. Don't you remember the wonderful times we had here? What brought you here tonight? This was meant to happen, Harry. We were meant to be in each other's lives. Just maybe not as lovers."
He was right, I realized. Somehow, fate had mysteriously brought both of us together, in the same spot where we'd spent so much time as teenagers. There was obviously some greater design to the crazy things that were happening in my life.
"Okay," I said softly. "Friends?" I asked.
"Friends," he said firmly, before hugging me. Then he stepped back and looked at me. "Last one down to the beach is a loser!" he yelled suddenly, and took off running towards the path that led down the cliff.
I stood motionless for a moment, stunned. Then, coming to my senses, I yelled "That's not fair!" before following in hot pursuit.
Of course he beat me to the beach. By the time I reached it, he was already stripping off his t-shirt.
With my hands on my knees, I managed to say, between pants, "What . are you . doing?"
He grinned at me. "Going for a swim, duh! Just like old times."
Catching my breath, I said, "But I don't have my trunks."
Josh shrugged as he kicked off his shorts. "Neither do I." He inserted his thumbs into the waistband of his boxers (which I noticed had a ridiculous cartoon design on them - just like Josh to have those at his age!) and began to tug them down his hips.
"Stop!" I yelled in alarm.
Josh paused and looked at me innocently. "What's wrong?"
"You can't . . . well, you can't get naked in front of me!" I told him.
Josh raised his eyebrows, still playing innocent. "You mean you don't like what you might see?"
I realized I'd fallen into his trap. Josh knew very well his naked effect would have the exact opposite effect on me. In fact even seeing him in those absurd boxers was causing a stirring in my crotch.
"Damn it, Josh. I already told you we can't! If you take those off, I'll leave," I threatened.
"Okay, okay, calm down. The boxers will stay on," he assured me. There was a trace of disappointment in his voice. I was aware that he'd wanted to seduce me, so I stared at him suspiciously, but he didn't attempt anything else. I slowly pulled my own shirt over my head.
I heard Josh mutter, "Geez . . . who knew you were such a prude when it came to nudity?"
I managed to get the shirt off and snapped at him, "I'm just not comfortable with it, okay!"
"Funny, you didn't seem to have a problem with it when Reid exhibited himself to you this morning," he smirked.
I blushed. "Well, for your information, I was very embarrassed, even if he didn't seem to be."
"Yeah, well, Reid is a bit of a nudist. Now, are you going to swim, or just yak here?"
I neatly folded my clothes (Josh rolled his eyes - he always found it amusing how I liked things to be organized) and put them on a flat rock.
"Okay, now I'm ready," I informed him.
"Finally! Now come on."
We both set off running into the waves and dived in, shrieking as the cold water hit our bodies.
To be continued . . .
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