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LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS ~ Chapter 9 ~
From the Narrative of Harrison Ridgeway IV:
It was a new morning, and for the first time since coming home, I woke up feeling happy. I'd dreamt of the awesome blowjob Josh had given me, and thought about what I'd do in return. I admit, I was a little scared by the thought of a new experience, but I knew that I couldn't go wrong with Josh.
Last night's dinner conversation with my brother-in-law, Ronald, had got me seriously thinking about a job. I couldn't just sit at home and do nothing. I needed some career advice; maybe look up vacancies in the newspaper. Dad could probably get me any job I wanted, but I didn't want to go to him. I went through my stuff to put together everything I might need for job-hunting. I then had my shower and went down for breakfast.
"Harrison dear, you're not going out again?" asked Mom incredulously, eyeing the folder I'd thrown together.
"I thought I'd get some career advice; go job-hunting." Well, maybe I planned a little detour to a certain caf‚ on Marina Drive to see my gorgeous boyfriend (Josh was my boyfriend . . . I still couldn't believe it!)
Mom stared at me. "But surely there's no need for all that. I thought it was all decided; you'd work in your father's office and -"
I was spared having to explain by the ring of the doorbell. Mom excused herself to open the door. I wondered what I'd tell her. I just couldn't work with Dad. I know I've looked up to him my whole life, but I wasn't sure where we stood, especially after he'd threatened to kill me if I was gay. And that was when he didn't know that I was actually gay!
"It was for your father," Mom explained as she came back to the table. "Now, what was I saying? Oh yes, about -"
"Um, Mom, I have to go. See you later," I said hurriedly. I gave her a peck on the cheek and left her looking puzzled by my behavior.
I got into my car and threw the folder into the backseat. I'd already started the engine when I realized that Dad's visitor's car was blocking the driveway. Sighing, I turned the engine off and got out of the car to ask the guy to move his car.
I'd just stepped into the house when I bumped into the guy. He looked stricken to see me. I was a bit puzzled by his behavior.
"Sorry, your car's blocking -"
"It's okay, I'm just leaving," the guy muttered hastily and rushed out through the door as if a pack of wild dogs was after him.
I stared after him. He was certainly behaving suspiciously. And I thought I recognized his car from somewhere. Surely it couldn't be the same black Ford I'd seen . . .
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of crashing glass. I heard Dad's raised voice and Mom shouting, "Alistair, calm down. What is it?" I hurried into the room Dad used as his home office.
A shattered glass vase lay on the floor. Dad looked furious and Mom was cowering near the door. I rushed to her side.
"Mom, what's going on?"
But Dad didn't give her a chance to say anything. "What's going on? What's going on? You tell us!" he shouted as he threw some papers at my face. I managed to catch hold of one as they fluttered down to the floor. It was a photograph. I felt a cold shiver run down my spine as I recognized the two men in the photograph. It was me and Josh, kissing outside the caf‚!
I looked up fearfully at Dad. "Dad, I - I can explain . I swear -" I stammered. My head was spinning - how had Dad gotten this photo? There were more of them on the floor, surveillance photos by the look of it. The guy in the black car - had Dad hired him to spy on me? I couldn't think clearly, not with Dad staring furiously at me. He was scaring the hell out of me. Oh God, what was I going to do?
He shouted, "Explain? I think it's damn clear what's going on, you fucking faggot!"
"Dad, no, I'm not - I mean, you don't understand . I'm sorry!" I was babbling incoherently. I couldn't face him or Mom. I didn't mean them to find out this way. I don't know what I'd thought - I'd stupidly hoped that I'd somehow manage to keep them in the dark about me being gay.
"You'll be sorry!" Dad shouted. Mom's pleas of "Alistair, no!" fell on deaf ears.
"No son of mine is a fucking faggot!" he yelled. And then he hit me. I didn't expect that, so I didn't do anything to block the blow that hit me on the face. I just stood, stunned. Then I tried to say again, "Dad, I'm sorry -" I could taste the blood on my lip.
Dad didn't want to listen to what I had to say. He seemed to have lost his mind. "I'll kill you!" he screamed, and raised his fist again. I didn't do anything to defend myself. I probably would have let him beat me to death, if someone else hadn't intervened.
"Stop it, Alistair!" Mom grabbed hold of Dad's hand.
"Let go of me, Marcia!" Dad warned.
"No! I'm not going to let you hit our son."
"He's not my son!" Dad shouted.
Mom stared at him for a moment, and then said softly, "I'm leaving you, Alistair."
"What?" Dad looked stunned. I was equally shocked. Had my mother, who was usually so meek, just told Dad that she was going to leave him?
"I'm not living with a man who hits my son," she told him, staring him straight in the eyes.
Dad stared at her, and then breathed heavily, "You wouldn't dare leave me for this -"
Mom shouted at him. "I know about Jenna, Alistair!"
For the second time, both Dad and I were astounded. How could Mom know about the affair Dad had been having with his secretary? Phoebe and I had known, but we'd done everything to keep it a secret from her. We thought Mom wouldn't be able to cope with it, yet here Mom was handling it with perfect calm. There was no sign of an anxiety attack that something far more trivial could trigger.
"Alistair, I've put up with you through all these years, all the affairs, but I will NOT stand by and let you hit my son."
Dad was too shocked to say anything.
"Harrison, come," said Mom. I couldn't move; I was still in a daze. Mom dragged me by the arm out of the office.
Dad seemed to recover enough from his shock to yell after us. "You'll be back! Where are you going to go, Marcia? You come back right now!"
Mom pulled me by the arm, out of the house and into my car. She thrust the car-keys at me. Dad didn't follow us out of the house. He was sure we wouldn't have the nerve to actually leave.
"Mom, what did you just do?" I whispered. "You have to go back."
"Harrison, for God's sake, drive. Just get us away from this house."
I didn't know what to do. Almost mechanically, I started the car and drove. In the rearview mirror I could see Dad watching us leave with a look of disbelief on his face.
I only drove a block from our house. Mom didn't say a word except to breathe heavily, until I pulled over by the sidewalk.
I turned off the engine and asked her, "Mom, what are we doing? We - you can't just leave Dad."
Mom folded her arms. "I'm not going back there, Harrison. I'm not going back there without you, and Alistair has made it clear he doesn't want you there."
"No, you have to go back. He's your husband."
"And your father! He didn't behave like one when he hit you."
"Mom, it's my fault. I knew how Dad felt about gay people but I -"
"Harrison, you've got to stop this. You're always blaming yourself for everything. Why?"
I couldn't look her in the eye.
Mom continued. "No one is to blame for this except your father. He's the one who refuses to accept you."
I stared at her. "Mom, I'm gay. Your son is gay. Aren't you at least going to ask me about it?"
Mom gazed into the distance. "More than a year ago, I got a call from a friend. She told me that her son had come out to her. It wasn't as if she hadn't suspected it. There had been clues. But it was a shock nevertheless. He was their only child. She didn't know what to do at first, but she accepted it in the end. She and her husband both wanted their boy to be happy."
I was confused. What did this have to do with anything?
She looked at me sadly. "When she told me, I thought, what if it were my son? And I knew the answer straight away, Harrison. I could never abandon you, no matter what. I've loved you since the day you first put into my arms as a baby."
I felt tears in my eyes.
"I prayed that this day wouldn't come, Harrison. As much as I hated the fa‡ade I had to put on, this was the only life I've known for the past thirty years. I was twenty when I married Alistair. I stayed with him only because of you and Phoebe."
She paused, and then added, "The friend I mentioned earlier . . . it was Carol - Joshua's mother."
I was stunned.
"It was Joshua in those pictures, wasn't it? The man you were - kissing."
I nodded.
"Harrison, why didn't you tell me?"
"Mom, I didn't know it myself until recently."
"What about Melissa?"
"I thought I loved her at the time. But after what she did, how she betrayed me, I could never look at another girl in the same way again."
Mom sighed. "I never did like her anyway. Joshua, on the other hand, I've always found to be a very nice boy."
"Then . . . you're okay with this - me being gay?"
"Harrison, it's not that simple. To think of a boy being in love with another . . ."
"It disgusts you?" I asked quietly.
"No, it's just that it's all new to me. It doesn't matter if you like boys instead of girls, Harrison. Being different is not wrong. It would be wrong if I rejected you because of it. Just give me some time, please."
"Thanks, Mom." I hugged her. She kissed my forehead.
"Okay, now I'll take you back to the house."
"Harrison, I thought I told you -"
"That you're not going back there. But where are you going to go then, Mom? We just left without bringing anything with us. At least let me drop you at Phoebe's apartment."
"Alright. But you are coming with me."
"Mom, I can't. Dad will get mad at Phoebe if she lets me stay at her place."
"Then I'm not going there either."
"Mom!" But further arguments were stalled by the ringing of my cell phone. I saw the caller ID: Phoebe.
"Hello?"
My sister sounded frantic. "Harrison, where are you? I just went to the house to drop off Alan and Dad was in a rage, throwing things about. He said you and Mom left and that you're -"
"Gay?" I sighed. "I'm afraid it's true."
There was silence. Then she said, "Oh, Harrison, you could have warned me. You poor thing, to have had to keep it a secret all this while."
"I wasn't sure myself until recently, Pheebs. I suspected, but I thought - I hoped - it would go away."
She was quiet for a while. Then she asked, "The guy in those photos, is he your boyfriend?"
I wasn't sure. Were we officially boyfriends? I thought of our kiss again, and then replied with a definite "Yes."
"Do I know him?"
"You should. Remember Josh? He used to be my best friend in high school. I know you were in medical school at the time, but you must have seen him."
"I can't say that I do. But you love him, huh?"
I didn't need to think hard about the answer to that question. "Yes."
"Harrison, it doesn't matter to me if you're gay. You know Ronald's sister? She's a lesbian. But that isn't something that bugs me. And you're still my little brother. I'll always love you. I'm just glad that you found someone to love."
I couldn't stop my tears from flowing. "I love Mom and you too, sis. I just wish Dad would see it the same way."
"I'll try to talk to him and -"
"No, don't. I don't want him to hit you as well. He's really angry now."
"Harrison, wait. What are you saying? Dad hit you?"
"It's not . . . it's not as bad as it sounds, Pheebs."
I could hear her voice trembling with fury. "That -" She managed to stop herself. "That's why Mom left as well, isn't it? Look, both of you are coming to my house now."
"No, Pheebs, I can't do that. Dad will never forgive -"
"Screw him, Harrison! What are you both going to do? For heaven's sake, you don't even have a job to support yourself. And what about Mom?"
"No, Mom is going to stay with you for -"
Mom, who'd been silent all this while, now interrupted. "There's no way I'm going back to that house without Harrison. I won't leave you alone."
I turned to her. "Mom, don't make this more difficult than it already is. I'll probably find a motel somewhere to stay, and you can't stay there as well."
"Why ever not?"
"Mom, you're used to living in that mansion, with Sadie to help you. How are you going to cope in a motel?"
"Harrison, I wasn't brought up in that mansion; you were. My parents raised me on a farm. I think I'd be more capable of roughing it out than you."
I gave up. I knew there was no changing Mom's mind when it was made up.
"Harrison?" I heard Phoebe's voice on the phone.
"Sorry, Pheebs. I forgot you were still on the line."
"I heard everything Mom said, and she's right. You can't be alone at a time like this."
I started to protest, but Phoebe carried on. "Look, I'll put some money into your account. You can use it to get a proper room, okay?"
"Pheebs, you don't have to do -"
"It's the least I can do, Harrison. It's my Mom and little brother we're talking about here. I don't know why you're so reluctant to come to my house, but this is only temporary, okay?"
"Okay, I'll call you once we're settled in."
"Wait, does Mom have her pills?"
I turned back to Mom, but before I could repeat the question Mom replied, loudly so that Phoebe could hear, "I have some in my handbag; it should be enough for a week."
"Okay, I heard that. Harrison, take good care of her, okay? She isn't . you know?"
"No, I'm a little surprised. I promise I'll take good care of Mom."
"And take care of yourself. You're not hurt, are you? I can't believe that -" She fumbled for words. "That Man did that to you. I'll go and -"
"No, Pheebs, don't. Just leave him to cool off."
"Oh Harrison." There was a trace of disappointment in her voice. "You'll call me if you need anything?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Don't just say that."
"No, I promise I will. Okay then, goodbye."
"Bye." She put down the phone. I turned back to Mom.
"Okay Mom, we're on our own now. So where do you fancy staying?"
"That can wait, Harrison. Isn't there someone you want to see first?"
"Huh? Who?"
Mom raised her eyebrows. "Your boyfriend, you silly boy."
Oh, right, Josh. Somehow I'd forgotten all about him. But now that Mom mentioned him, I did desperately want to see him. After all the tumultuous events, he'd be a sight for sore eyes. But I wasn't sure Mom was ready to meet him yet.
"Mom, are you sure? We can wait."
She patted my hand. "No, you shouldn't have to, Harrison. Now that everything's out in the open, what are you still waiting for?"
She was right. Despite the pain I felt from Dad's rejection, there was still a little brightness in my life. Some of it was from my Mom and sister, for how easily they'd accepted me. But mostly it was the thought of my loving boyfriend.
I turned the engine back on and drove towards Josh's house.
To be continued . . .
Now with Harrison's big secret out, who knows what other secrets are going to come out of the dark past? Stay tuned for the next installment, coming soon. And don't forget to let me know what you think of this story by dropping me an email at justinr_88@yahoo.com. Thanks for all your feedback so far!