Do not read further if you are not of legal age to do so. All the usual disclaimers and copyright laws apply. "Love is All that Matters" is the second book of the "Doing Hard Time" saga.
LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS ~ Chapter 11 ~
From the Narrative of Harrison Ridgeway IV:
I went into Josh's parents' bedroom. Mom was sitting on the bed.
"Where's Josh?" I asked.
"Oh, he went to make coffee."
I laughed. That seemed to be what Josh did every time I saw him.
"He's quite enthusiastic about coffee-making now that he runs a caf‚. I remember a time when I'd have to pour his concoctions down the toilet."
Mom smiled. "Did you know then?"
I shook my head. "I wasn't sure . . . or maybe I was too scared to admit it. But he knew."
"Is that why you fought all those years ago?" Mom asked gently.
I nodded and hung my head. When I remembered how badly I'd treated Josh, I wondered how it was possible for him to still love me.
"Harrison, were you scared because of your father? Because you knew how he felt about homosexuals?"
"Yes," I whispered.
"But to hide it, all this while -"
"No, Mom, I wanted Dad to be proud of me. It didn't matter what I wanted."
Mom stared at me, puzzled. "Harrison, it's your life. Of course your feelings mattered. I don't understand why you're always this way about your father. Alistair didn't deserve a wonderful son like you. Anyone else would have hit him back."
"Harry wouldn't do that." I looked up suddenly when I heard Josh's voice. He was leaning against the doorway and looking at me pityingly. There was something in his tone that worried me. I had the sickening feeling he was about to tell her everything he knew. I shook my head warningly at him.
Mom looked at me, then at Josh and back to me. "What's going on?" she asked, confused.
"Mom, it's nothing -"
Josh cut in. "Harry, you need to tell her the truth. You can't just keep it to yourself. What he did to you -"
"He's my father!" I yelled at him. "He has every right to do whatever he wants to me."
Mom had turned pale. "What are you talking about, Harrison?"
I didn't reply. I cursed myself for my stupid outburst.
"I'll tell her if you don't want to, Harry."
"Josh, no," I made the only threat I could think of. "I swear I'll never talk to you again."
Josh looked pained. I knew I'd made the worst possible threat to him, but I couldn't let him tell Mom. But it was already too late.
"Harrison, what did your father do to you?!" Mom shook my shoulder hysterically. "What are you hiding from me?" I racked my brains for a reasonable answer but my mind was blank. The shame and terror had taken control of my thoughts.
She turned to Josh. "Joshua, you'll tell me."
He stared at her for a moment, and then spoke. "I'm sorry, Harry, but she has to know. I don't want you to be mad at me but this is the only way. You have to realize what he did to you was wrong."
Despairingly I put my head in my hands. I heard the dreaded words.
"Aunt Marcia, I don't think this is the first time Harry's father has hit him."
Mom stared at me in shock. She choked, "That's not - that's not possible . . . is it?"
I couldn't reply. Damn Josh! How could he do this to me?
"Harrison, tell me!" She shook me again, but I didn't say a word.
"I wasn't sure at first, Aunt Marcia. Harry was always reluctant to change in front of people, even if it was only me. But there were times - when we went for our midnight swims in the ocean . . . I guess he thought it was too dark for me to see, but I could."
"Could see what?" Mom's voice was getting higher pitched.
"The bruises on his back."
Mom was horrified. "Harrison, your father didn't -"
I couldn't face her. "He punished me for making mistakes. That's all, Mom."
"How -" Mom's voice broke. "How many times has this happened? And I didn't know?"
I couldn't take this any more. I wrenched myself from Mom's grip and ran from the room. As I passed Josh he reached out to grab me but I pushed him aside.
"Harry, wait!" I heard Josh call out as he chased me. I didn't get very far; he soon had me pinned against the wall in the hallway.
"Harry, please, we need to talk about this." I slid down the wall until I was hunched on the floor. I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks. Josh kneeled down in front of me.
"You're not going to try and run?" he asked.
"Why are you doing this to me? Why couldn't you just leave it alone?" I pummeled him repeatedly on his chest. He didn't try to stop me but wrapped his arms around me instead. I struggled briefly against his embrace, but he held me tight.
"Harry, what your father did to you was inexcusable. You had to realize that. You had to face up to it if you want to move on with your life."
"You don't even know -"
"I guessed, Harry. I suspected it a long time ago, but every time I brought up your father, you would go on the defensive."
"He's my father." I said hoarsely. There was a crash from inside the bedroom. My heart stopped for a second.
"Oh no! Mom!" I got up and rushed back into the bedroom, with Josh following closely behind.
I was relieved that Mom had only knocked over her handbag, spilling its contents on the floor. Out of breath, she gasped, "Harrison, my pills."
I quickly spotted them lying on the floor and gave them to her. I was about to ask Josh for some water, when he handed her the coffee cup. Mom swallowed the pills with a swig of coffee while I rounded on a guilty-stricken Josh.
"You son of a bitch! Didn't you know what would happen to Mom when -"
Mom wheezed. "Don't . call your . boyfriend . names, Harrison." I was tempted to roll my eyes, but the seriousness of the situation stopped me. Mom tried to get her breathing under control.
"How long has this been going on?"
"Mom, it doesn't matter."
"Of course it matters! Harrison, why didn't you tell me?"
I said quietly, "Dad told me I'd be to blame if you had another anxiety attack."
"He blackmailed you into not telling me?"
"Mom, it wasn't like that."
"When did it start?"
"Mom . . ."
"Tell me, Harrison!"
"After Phoebe went to medical school." That was the year I started high school - when I first met Josh. I was silent.
"What happened then?" It was Josh who prompted me. I felt hatred well up inside me. Why did he have to go and dredge up all this now?
I looked down as I spoke. "Phoebe used to protect me. She'd take the blame for my mistakes. Dad wouldn't get mad at her, because she was his golden child. But when she went to medical school . . ."
"There wasn't anyone to protect you," said Mom softly. She cried, "I've failed you as a mother, Harrison. "
"Mom, it wasn't your fault. It was mine. I was the one who made mistakes."
"He had no right to hit you!"
"Dad only wanted the best for me."
"Harry, you - lunatic!"
I glared at Josh. "There's no other word for it," he said apologetically. "But you don't seem to see what he did was wrong."
"No! Stop saying these horrible things about my father!" I shouted at him.
Mom said suddenly, "He's not the one you should get angry at. Josh is right about Alistair - he is a worse man than I thought."
"What?" I stared at her. I couldn't believe Mom would say such things.
"He was always good at getting his way, at manipulating people . . . otherwise he wouldn't have made a good politician. But I never realized he would take advantage of his own son."
"He didn't!"
"Harrison, don't be dense. Alistair knew how desperately you wanted to please him. He didn't want the best for you; he wanted the best for himself. I never knew until now the lengths to which he'd go to achieve his selfish ends."
I was confused. If it had been Josh saying nasty things about my father I probably would have hit him. But it was Mom. I loved my mother, more than my father. But she was wrong about Dad . . . wasn't she?
I thought about the time when I'd gotten into a fight with another student during my junior year at high school. He'd said something less than polite about my mother, and it had quickly turned into an all-out brawl. The principal called my father to her office. He'd been apologetic, smiling and assuring her it wouldn't happen again.
When we got home, he told me how I'd disgraced by making him step into the principal's office, before taking out his belt. I didn't do anything, not even to justify why I'd gotten into the fight in the first place. I obeyed his order to take off my shirt and let him flog my back. I'd cried about it later, but not in front of him. Dad always said I was too much of a sissy for going running to my mother.
That was the first time, but it wasn't the last. Every time I got poor grades, or I screwed up at an interschool game, I knew the routine. Afterwards I'd nurse my wounds and cry in private, promising myself that I would make him proud someday. But that day never seemed to come - only more punishments. He didn't leave any marks on my exposed skin, because that would have been obvious to Mom and everyone else. He still had his reputation to maintain. It was amazing how he made me feel guilty about it, as if I had reduced him to having to use his belt on his son.
When high school was over, I made sure to choose a university far from home. I tried to avoid coming home during the holidays, returning only when it was absolutely necessary. I never told anyone, not even Phoebe. She asked me if Dad was treating me properly, and I assured her that he was. I truly believed that. Dad only wanted the best for me. Mom, Phoebe, even Josh - none of them seemed to believe that. Was I the only fool who did?
I realized that both Mom and Josh were watching me closely. I managed to say, "I wanted him to like me. I wanted it so bad, Mom. More than anything else. But he never -" I couldn't go on; I was crying too hard. Josh put his shoulder around me.
"Harrison, I'll kill that man myself. If I'd known then, I would have taken you and left him a long time ago." Mom held my hand. "I need you to promise me something - promise that you won't ever leave me."
"What?" I blinked back my tears. "Why would I want to leave you?"
"Just promise me, Harrison."
"Of course I won't leave you," I promised. "I've never blamed you for anything."
Josh said, "Aunt Marcia, can I have Harry alone for a while please?"
Mom hesitated before getting up to leave us alone. Josh sat down beside me on the bed.
"Look, Harry, I know you hate me for bringing this up."
"Hate isn't strong enough to describe what I feel."
Josh looked pained. "You seemed so eager to talk to Reid and make him feel better and I just thought you would feel lighter if you got this off your chest."
"It didn't matter to you what it could do to Mom?"
"I forgot about her condition, I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I ever accepted your offer to stay here. I'll always hate you for this. Go away."
"Please, Harry, don't say that. I love you." I could hear the sadness in his voice. He tried to kiss me but I shrugged him off.
"Harry, listen to me. I love you so much that I can feel the pain you're suffering inside. You put on a brave face for your Mom, your sister, me, and keep everything else bottled up inside of you. I know how much you want your Dad's acceptance, but you have to face it, Harry. He doesn't love you. He couldn't after what he's done to you."
Deep down, I knew he was right. That's why I hated him all the more. I refused to look at him.
"Please don't let's do this again, Harry. Don't push me aside."
"Do you still want me now that you know the truth? You said earlier that I was a lunatic."
"I didn't mean that in the way you seem to think, Harry. It's okay to love your father but you can't support him for what he did - even your Mom knows that."
"I tried, really hard, to hate him, but I couldn't."
"He made use of that, Harry. I know the physical wounds he caused healed quickly, but the emotional scars are still there. I can make it better, Harry, if you'll only let me. Open up to me, Harry, please."
"Why should I trust you, Josh? You betrayed me."
"I didn't! If you call bringing the truth out into the open a betrayal, then yes. But I did it for you, Harry . . . for us."
"You know I love you, Josh. But that doesn't mean you can do shit like this and expect me to forgive you."
"He doesn't need your forgiveness." I was stunned for a moment to hear Mom's voice. I realized she must have heard everything through the open door.
Mom continued, "He helped you admit something you've kept secret all these years, Harrison. He could have let it lie. But I think it shows how much he cares for you that he's willing to risk everything just so that you can heal. If you break up with him now, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Think about it, Harrison. I'll leave both of you alone now."
She left, shutting the door behind her this time. I looked at Josh and realized for the first time that he was crying too. I gently reached out and touched his tear-streaked face.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
He gave me a watery smile and said, "Don't apologize. I don't blame you for getting mad at me. I could've been more, what's the word, subtle?"
"Don't pronounce the B," I told him. He stared blankly. "The B in subtle, you don't pronounce it," I explained.
He raised his eyebrows. "You're lecturing me about grammar now?"
"I'm -"
"Stop saying you're sorry. If you want, you can say -"
"I love you."
"That's better." He pressed his lips against my forehead. "I hope you're feeling better too."
I thought about it. Dad's rejection had hurt, but now I realized I didn't really care what he thought. It just wasn't possible to make him happy.
"I guess you were right," I admitted.
Josh smiled. "Okay, come on then. Your Mom is going to be worried about us." He got up from the bed but I caught his hand.
"And Josh? Next time you want to try something like this? Give me some warning. Or I will make good on my promise never talk to you again."
He grinned. "You couldn't survive without talking to me, baby."
"You smug b-"
Josh pressed his finger to my lips before I could complete my exclamation. "Hush, your Mom's going to hear you. She already told you not to call your boyfriend names."
I managed a weak smile. "So I take it you're still my boyfriend?"
"If you weren't, you'll be the first to know. Come on." He slipped his hand into mine and led me out of the room.
To be continued . . .
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