Disclaimer: I don't know BSB or anyone connected to them in anyway. I don't know their sexual preferences, this is just a story. I made it all up in my own little twisted world. Well, it's not that twisted but that's not the point.
Warning: I don't know where this is going, or what will happen. I've had this story on my mind for the past couple of months. There may be sex, but if there is it won't be in the first chapter. So if that's what you're looking for you might want to look in another place. Now I'm going to try and not use any super natural beings. I may fail but hell trust me when I say I can't help it.
Authors Note: Ok if you've gotten this far in reading this story first I want to thank you, secondly you know about my symbols and how I write. I would really like to tell everyone who reads this how sorry I am that it took so long to post it. For a while now I've had a really bad case of writers block, for now it's gone away, I just hope it stays away. Now for my other stories that I've written or am writing, I'm so very sorry I haven't updated them in such a long time. I hope that this latest chapter is worth the wait, and there will be at least one more to follow. The next chapter may be the ending of this story, though I'm not for sure just yet. I think that I've taken this story almost as far as I can without really going off the deep end. Anyway I'm going to try and leave that up to the readers of this story. Thank you all so very much for reading this, and for those have written me letters thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I get a letter it makes all of this writing worth more than anything that has a price. I'm going to shut up now and let everyone read, again thank you all.
Ash
I pulled back further afraid of what would come next, what had happened to make my mothers eyes look so sad? There was the small hope that I had caused it by leaving and it wasn't anything worse. Still there was this feeling in my gut that it had to be worse, and I had somehow caused it. Yet I didn't know how it could have been my fault, I had only left to lick my wounds. Now I was back, and I could only hope that whatever had happened that I could fix it.
"So what all did I miss?" Jane looked toward Aaron, then pulled me to the couch, she sat there for a while.
"Well, a lot, but first I think we need to catch up on what you've been doing, it's been months since we've gotten any word from you." I guess that was fair enough, plus it helped ease my mind knowing that whatever had happened could wait.
"I haven't really been doing anything besides traveling and drawing, had to keep my business going. That's about it, now I'm back, why I'm still not to sure on, I mean I missed all of you, but it's like walking back into my troubles. At least when I was out and about I had to focus on other things, now that I'm back I don't." I didn't really know what else to say, it wasn't like I had fun while I was gone.
"Well, I was hoping to hear more, but I guess you want to know what I know, so I'll stop putting it off. It isn't all bad news, but a lot of it is, so you might want to brace yourself for what's coming." I didn't know if I could brace myself anymore than I already had, I was sitting, so on with the show.
"I'll tell you the good news first, AJ and Nick are now in a relationship, have been for a few months. They seem really happy with each other, so I can't be happier for the both of them. Now for the bad news, Kevin and Kristen got a divorce, and Kevin has been rather strange here lately. As for the worst of the news, the band is pretty much no more, well privately anyway. Publicly the band is working on some new songs and has ran off to a secret location to do just that. While in the real world they try to stay away from each other as much as they can. Well, besides Nick and AJ, but the others, it's really sad to see it all come to this. Brian and AJ are at each others throats within seconds of seeing one another. Kevin told everyone he just needed time alone, Howie just can't stand all the fighting so he doesn't want anything to do with it. Which leaves Nick in a confused state, he doesn't know what to do, so he does nothing." I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head wondering how I could fix this. Nothing came to mind except going to each of them and talking to them. Hopefully I could find the source of their troubles and get rid of it, or help solve it.
"Then it looks like my visit home will have to be a short one, I need to speak with each of them alone. Could you give me the address to each of their houses, that way I can act instead of sitting back. Aaron, if you wouldn't mind I could use your help, would you like to go with me, if it's all right with you Mom?" Aaron was already running toward his room, while my Mom just nodded.
"I'll let him go under one condition, that you promise you'll come back here and see me, and stay for a few weeks so we can catch up." I agreed and Aaron had his suit case in hand and a huge smile on his lips.
"We'll be back as soon as we can Mom, trust me on this, I don't plan on running off again any time soon." I meant it, at least for now, I had my work cut out for me, and I needed a little help. Aaron seemed like the perfect person for the job, after all he was my little brother. I called a cab which was back out front in a matter of minutes, then we were on the way to the airport. Then we would be making the first trip which was to Kentucky to see Kevin, hopefully he wouldn't mind our dropping in. The flight was nicer than the one I had taken to come back, mainly because Aaron was on the plane with me. There was one thing that he and Nick shared more than Nick and I did, they both loved to talk. It gave me time to stop thinking and just listen to him, and at times give him my opinion, or advice. After arriving in Kentucky I got myself and Aaron a room at a really nice hotel, so far our presence was unknown. The next morning I rented a car and drove myself and Aaron to Kevin's house, which was really hard to find. Yet I managed to find it without calling for help which Aaron tried to talk me into. I got out of the car and walked to the front door and knocked, Aaron was right behind me. When Kevin answered he looked a little shocked then invited us in.
"This is a surprise, you're the last person I expected to see standing there, when did you get back?" I smiled and took a seat on his couch waiting for Aaron to sit before I started.
"Well, I got back a little over twenty-four hours ago, but that's not why I'm here, I think you know the reason I'm here." Kevin took a deep breath, then walked to an arm chair taking a seat.
"You know I had a feeling that I couldn't hide forever, but I had hoped that I stood a chance at it." After walking over and throwing myself into Kevin's lap, which surprised him I smiled.
"Now you should have known that I would never allow something like this to happen, but since it did you should know that I'm going to fix it. What I really need to know is why all this happened, Mom wasn't to clear on it, so could you fill me in?" Kevin was smiling and his face was getting a little red, from what I didn't know.
"Well, to be honest, a lot of this happened because you left, and none of us knew how to deal with it. I'll start from the falling part, it was a few weeks after Brian got the letter you sent. After that things started falling apart, AJ refused go anywhere near Brian unless he had to. Howie got tired of all the dirty looks they would give one another and how they wouldn't talk to each other. He tried to set it up to where they would have to talk, that only ended up getting them into a really big fight. If Nick hadn't have gotten there when he had there's no telling what would have happened. It was then that Nick decided he wanted out, that he couldn't deal with his best friends fighting like that. I just needed to get away from everything so I could find out what I really wanted." He stopped then and looked at me with this really sad look in his eyes.
"I found that I wanted you more than anything else in the world, so it was hard for me to be around everyone else that wanted you. Brian loves you and would do anything to get you, while AJ has moved on you still have a piece of his heart. So I had a hard time being around Brian and AJ, since both of them loved you. I want you and I don't know how to go about getting you without hurting the others. It's why I came here, so I could avoid hurting anyone, then you show up." I didn't know what to say or how to really react to how he felt about me. It was something that had never crossed my mind, even in my wildest dreams. Now I didn't know if it was to wise to continue to sit on Kevin's lap, yet I didn't want to move since it had to be hard for him to tell me. I didn't want him to think that I didn't care about him, or his feelings for that matter.
"I don't know what to say, I never even had the slightest idea that you liked me like that, maybe I should move." I slowly started to stand but found that my legs were a little weak at the moment. So I grabbed the arm chair for support until I could stand on my own again. Now I wished that I had my cane which was by the couch, where I was heading.
"I'm fine, I just get a little weak from time to time, but I have checked with my doctors, and it's nothing." It wasn't anything important, after all I shouldn't even be walking around if I listened to my doctors.
"It never entered my mind that you had any kind of feelings for me Kevin, so I never thought about it. To be honest I don't think it would work out between you and I, we're very different people. I have a nasty habit of taking off when I can't deal with something, so in a lot of ways I'm very childish. While you on the other hand, you're all grown up and think like an adult. Yeah you came out here to find yourself, but that was an adult thing to do. You had a lot on your mind, and it seems that you still do, and it doesn't look like I'm helping any." I took a seat beside Aaron placing my head between my hands while I rubbed my temples. Kevin continued to tell me about everything that had happened and changed while I was gone. For a second he paused and looked at Aaron, I had turned to look at Aaron only to see him just looking back at Kevin, Kevin just continued telling me everything.
"Ash, it isn't your fault, it's no ones really, it's just the way people feel, you can't help who you are. You're an amazing guy, and I don't think you're as childish as you think you are. I don't think someone that's childish could admit it so openly, still I understand that you're heart belongs to another." He looked away then, causing my heart to turn and twist at his words.
"I came here thinking that I could help in someway, that I could bring the band back together. Yet I don't know if I can do that now, I know that it may not all be my fault but I still had a hand in it." Kevin looked at me, and for a second I thought he was going to fight me on it, but then he shook his head.
"How did you plan on getting the band back together anyway?" That was easy but now my plan had changed slightly, if I could even call it that.
"Well, I was thinking I would travel from place to place grabbing everyone forcing them to talk. Now I don't know if that idea will work so I don't really know what I'm going to do now, any ideas?" The question went to both Kevin and Aaron, but I didn't know if either would answer.
"Well, I think the plan is great as it is, cause I don't think anyone will turn down seeing you. So I think we should just stick with it, only grab people in certain order so we have a better chance. Kevin was the best to grab first since most of the guys see him as the back bone and the father. So we should grab Howie next, then Brian, and so on, that way we all meet back in Florida." Kevin looked a little surprised by Aaron's sudden thought and the fact that he was really smart. I wasn't at all surprised, it had been one of my main reasons for bringing him, I knew he was smart. Still it was a little surprising that Kevin hadn't known that, still I guess it made sense. After all he really didn't get to spend to much time with Aaron, or as much as I had before I had taken off.
"Sounds good to me, you up for a trip Kev, or not?" He thought about it for a little bit then he finally nodded and told us he was going to go get packed. From that point Kevin took over when it came to driving and picking the flights. Luckily for us we would be seeing Howie in just a few hours, if he was home. When the plane landed and we were on the way Kevin called him, he sounded happy to hear from Kev. Kevin kept him on the phone until we pulled up into his driveway, then Kevin told him where we were. He walked out thinking it was just Kevin to find Aaron and I waiting with Kevin, he smiled then ran up and hugged me. We told him about our plan, he agreed telling me that he was glad that someone was doing something. I had almost asked why he hadn't done anything, but since he had agreed I didn't want to annoy him any. We waited about an hour before he was ready to leave, then our trip hit a snag. We had to stay over night since the next plain out wasn't until the next morning. To be honest I was a little happy about the snag since next I was going to be meeting up with Brian. It had been a long time and I had to ask myself if I was really worthy of him. After all I had taken off and never given anyone a chance to get back in contact with me. I had managed to not think about the fact that Brian was once again single, not all that easy.
What really was starting to edge it's way into my mind was that he had done this for me. That he had ended his relationship because I had sent a letter telling him what was on my mind. It had also started everything in the first place, and if I hadn't sent the letter then maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe I could have come home to a normal place and not gotten any bad news whatsoever. Then I could have spent some time home, then flown to New York and never had gotten my chance with Brian. I wasn't stupid, I knew that I was getting something major from this and I couldn't be any happier. Only I had to ask myself if I was really worthy, and had it been right to cause so much pain. Brian wasn't perfect, and neither was I, so it made it a little easier to think about a life with him. We couldn't go back and start over, that was just a dream, but we could try to start again, maybe. Still there was a lot of things on my mind, many of which didn't really revolve around myself and Brian. More along the lines of Brian and AJ, I knew Nick would be willing to work through all of this, or at least I hoped. It wasn't like I could just walk in there and demand they get along, all I could do was bring them together for the most part. Then I would have to back away a little and see if they could work it out, if not I would have to do something, what I didn't know just yet. All I really knew was that I couldn't just let it end, they had come to far to just stop now.
(Next Day)
I was now standing outside of Brian's house, it was strange to be standing in this place. For some strange reason I was calm as if I had always belonged here, and I couldn't help but watch Brian move through the house. The others were waiting at the air port since I had asked to do this on my own, they had all agreed. So here I was standing at that edge of dreams and nightmares, wondering when to take the next step. I could just stay here and look in through the windows and just watch him while he lived his life. It was something I had thought I would never get the chance to see again, for more than one reason. Only now I found it so hard to place myself in his world, because I feared I could ruin it more than I had already done. Slowly I moved to the door, only I couldn't knock just yet, I had to stand there and listen to the sounds that laid beyond the door. Mostly it was just Brian that I heard, but there was a radio playing, besides that nothing else. When I finally knocked my heart slowed down and my breath caught in my chest, I just felt so weird at the moment. The door opened and he stood before, my heart stopped all together, I had to swallow a few times before it started beating again. He had this look on his face that looked like a cross between fear and confusion, then he started blinking over and over again. All I could do was just smile and look around a bit since my voice didn't seem to be working.
"Wow, I didn't expect to open my door to find you, how have you been Ash." His voice was thick like he was trying to hold something back, what I didn't know.
"I've been, that's about it, how have you been Bri?" He almost looked like he was about to cry, but at the same time laugh.
"Not to good, I've missed you, and the band is gone, everything's just fallen apart." I could only nod as I tried to think of something, anything to say to him. It was like my mind had just grabbed it's bags and left the building in a huge hurry.
"I know, I've spoken with the others, it's why I'm here to get you and bring you to a meeting. That and to talk about us, if there could ever be an us that is, we've both hurt one another a great deal." He nodded then opened the door the rest of the way inviting me in, I took it as a good sign.
"I think we should talk about us first, then we can talk about the rest of the shit that's happened." Again I nodded then I entered his home waiting for him to show me where we were going to sit and talk. I followed him into his living room where he turned his radio off and took a seat in an arm chair, I sat down on the couch.
"First off, I want to say that I'm happy you're back, secondly that you're a conceded prick for taking off like that. Do you have any idea how much we worried about you, any idea whatsoever?" I was a little stunned but I understood his anger, he had every right to be pissed off at me.
"I'm so sorry for leaving like that, I just had to get away from everything, I just couldn't take it anymore." He looked at me and shook his head a few times before standing and pacing back and forth.
"That's your problem Ash, you never face anything, you just run off like a little kid who just got scolded. I love you, I've always loved you, but I'm tired of it, you need to grow up and realize that running is useless, at some point or another it's going to catch up to you. Did it help you Ash, did taking off for two years accomplish anything but hurting and worrying the people that love you? Or did you fail to think about that, was it something that didn't involve you first, is that why it didn't cross your mind?" I didn't know what to say to him, here I was thinking that maybe we could make up and move on.
"What the hell do you want from me Brian?" He just looked at me like I should know the answer already.
"I want you to promise that if anything goes bad, anything, that you won't run off ever again. That's what I want, because I can't handle it if you did, you look different, maybe you've grown up. I don't know, because I don't know you anymore, maybe I never did, but that's ok. As for us, I don't know we'll just have to give it some time and see where everything heads. Now about the meeting, I'll go, but just because I'm going and you've managed to gather everyone. Don't expect it to work out, cause if you do you might be in for a huge let down." I just nodded and headed toward the door, back toward the rented car. It was there that I sat and thought about everything that had been said, he was right. Anytime there has been a problem I had taken off like a little kid, and I had planned on leaving again. Now I knew that I could never do that, but not for Brian more for myself than anyone else. I wasn't a little kid anymore, I hadn't been for a very long time, but now I could really see that. When he got in I just drove, we didn't talk all the way to Florida, the others were starting to get worried.
"Ash, what happened at Brian's?" I looked to Kevin and smiled for a moment before shaking my head up deciding to tell him. When I was finished he looked a little pissed off, even though he shouldn't have been. He should have agreed with Brian, but I think his feelings for me blinded him to much for him to see that Brian was right.
"Kevin, think about it for a minute, he's right and you know it, so don't get all pissed off it won't do any good. I've been acting like a child my whole life running from anything that hurt my feelings, it's time I grow up." He just looked at me and shook his head for a moment.
"I like you the way you are, yeah a little, well maybe a lot childish, but it's who you are Ash, he should accept that." I just laughed a little as he smiled, then I kissed him on his cheek.
"Thanks Kev, it really means a lot, but you know better than to try and score brownie points." He shook his head then returned to his seat right in time for Aaron to plant his rear beside me.
"I guess you're here to hear what happened as well." He just shook his head and smiled before punching my arm lightly.
"No, I just asked Bri, he told me what happened, and he was right so I'm just here to see if you're going to keep your promise." I just nodded again thinking it was going to be enough, he just kept looking at me.
"Yes, I'll keep my promise, I won't run off again, you'd think that people would get off my back after a simple nod." After that he left, I just waited for the next person to come, no one else came. I guess things had changed since I had left, normally I would have had to have gone through the whole group, now it was just my brother and a friend. Finally the plane landed, we got off and to my surprise no one really noticed us. We then drove to Nick's beach house where he and AJ were staying, it was then appointed to me to be the first to knock, while everyone else waited. It took about fifteen minutes before the door was answered, it looked like I had just woken Nick up.
"I see that you haven't changed much, sleeping until the sun sets, you should really change that habit." He looked up at the sound of my voice his eyes wide and confused, he still had a great deal of youth in his eyes. Then he grabbed me pulling me to his chest where he held me, this is what I had hoped for. Still I knew that there was hell to pay for my leaving, so I waited until he regained his senses. When he pulled back it looked like someone had just turned on a light, slowly his arms fell back.
"You left again, are you going to leave again Ash, leave without a trace so no one can follow? Did you know that Aaron almost got kidnapped, or that later that month he was almost killed? It didn't even cross your mind did it, but then again I don't see why it would." I couldn't stop my head from turning and looking back toward the others who were hiding behind a wall. None of them had told me anything like that, not even Brian when he had been venting. It then made sense why Kevin had looked toward Aaron, I guess he had shaken his head before I had looked at him. A lot of things made a little more sense, Kevin hadn't been surprised that Aaron was smart. I wasn't really sure what had surprised him, but I was going to find out when I got the chance.
"I didn't know Nick, if I had I would have rushed back, I swear I would have." He laughed at me a little, then I could see the tears falling from his eyes.
"That's the point Ash, no one could have told you, you were gone, anything could have happened in that amount time. For all you know you could have been walking to a grave yard and not my home. Me and the guys could have all died in a plane crash or even worse. You could have come home to nothing, and no one, but that didn't matter because you were in pain. I understood it at first, you needed time to heal, but I never thought you would need years of no contact. Like I was saying, it shouldn't matter to you, after all you've always looked at yourself as an outsider looking in. Always running whenever there was any kind of trouble or pain that might affect you. The thing is Ash, you're not an outsider, and you never were, we all love you Ash. More than you could ever know because you won't let us show you how we feel." He looked at me, and not once had his voice raised as if in anger, it was just a heartfelt confession.
"I'm so sorry Nick, I wish that I could have known what I know now then, but I didn't and if I did I couldn't have accepted it then. Nick I wish you could walk through my mind and my childhood then you could understand why I run. When I was a kid I had everything any little boy could want, except for one thing. I never knew what love was until I found myself, and when my brother was born I lost even more. Because I got to witness love from afar, but soon even my brother found that love faded quickly in our home. We lived in a place without love or emotion, but we got anything that we wanted as long as it could be held, and didn't breath. I learned to fear any kind of emotion because my mind wasn't able to cope with any of it for long. Then I left home and tried to find something that I had been missing, and that was love. That was when I met Jade, and she opened the world to me in one simple movement. The rest of my life you pretty much know since you walked in and changed everything. Weather you knew it or not, you saved me from so many fears and so much pain that I hadn't even know I had in my heart. You showed me a world where love existed every single second, and some of it was focused on me." I couldn't seem to catch my breath long enough to continue, it just hurt so much and I couldn't even see a foot in front of my vision.
"My point is, that with this love that you gave, that your friends, and our family gave me, it scared me on some level. I knew that where there was love, there was the slightest chance it might all be taken away. So I fought it as hard as I could without even realizing that I was fighting anything. There was no way in hell that I was going to allow myself to be pulled into this just to lose it all. I was scared Nick so very scared that I ran whenever I was faced with something that hurt, or could hurt. There's nothing I can do now that can change the past, but I've grown up now and I understand myself a lot better. All I can offer is my promise that I will never run off again, under any circumstances. If you can find it in your heart to give me just one more chance I promise I will do my very best not to let you down." We sat there for a long time, or at least it felt like a long time until Nick stood and left the room. I didn't know what to do, I had just given it my all, but it was time to pay the piper, and this was the price. All my running had caused this, and now there was nothing I could do to fix it, nothing in the world.
To Be Continued