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Down and Out Chapter Three
Depeche Mode plays in the background waking me up from my sleep. The damn alarm is set for 4:30 am... who wakes up this early!?!?! In spite of how early it is I have never slept so well as I did this night. To fall asleep in the arms of someone you love is the most addictively intoxicating feeling. So why am I waking with an empty feeling inside my chest?
There's nobody here with me, only an envelope with my name on it. As I begin to pull myself out of bed I realise Im still in Jakob's room, and he is nowhere to be seen. After a minor inspection of the envelope that now sits in my hand I open it to reveal a letter written by Jakob. My heart sinks after reading the first words on the page, its never a good thing when the letter starts off with "Im sorry".
"Jeremy,
Im sorry for not being there with you. We need to talk. If we are going to get serious with our relationship then there are some things you need to know about me. Things I keep hidden from everyone, things that might even scare you away. (this part is scratched out and unreadable) Im in the barn, please come find me when you are ready."
Ok, now what? Do I go to the barn to find out what the hell is going on? Or do I leave and save myself from whatever lurks out there? I'll be damned if my curiosity didn't get the better of me, damn this curiosity, damn it to hell. Why I was born with a natural thirst for mysteries I will never know!
The walk to the barn is torturous due to all of the thoughts running through my head. Im curious yet scared... what is it that he might say that will scare me? Theres so many possible outcomes, too many things that can happen... but what?
I reach the barn and I dont see him anywhere, thats when I notice that theres a set of stairs leading up to a second floor of the structure. I make the climb up and sure enough he's sitting on an old couch in the middle of the room. This section of the barn is actually really cool... theres two old couches surrounding a makeshift coffee table with a rug beneath it. I see a mini fridge next to the coffee table with a lamp on top, a locker trunk behind the couch... im kindof envious of this little hangout!
I sit down next to him and take his hand, he looks as though he had been crying for a while. "Jakob, whats going on? Is everything ok?" He stands up and walks over to the locker trunk, pulls a small metal box out from within it, then sits back down next to me again. "Jeremy, I wasn't very clear about how my mother died." With that he removes the lock from the small box and hands it to me.
"Open it and look inside, but dont jump to conclusions please."
Ok, now Im really nervous and it can clearly be seen as im shaking while I open the lid. Pink fabric? I shuffle the box around and upon closer inspection I see that theres something beneath the cloth. "Uh...Jakob, whats this?" I ask as I use the cloth to pick up a rusty military-grade hunting knife. "Jeremy, my mother was murdered in front of me... it was my dad."
"Your dad?!?!" I ask a little puzzled because until now he hadn't ever mentioned his father. I just assumed he had passed away when Jakob was a young boy. Either that or flat out left them like a coward. My mind quickly thought of something so fast it was as though a light switch had been switched on... this wasn't a RUSTY knife I currently hold in my hand, it was a BLOODY knife!!!
Jacob just sat there and watched me as I jumped up and dropped the knife to the floor. "Why was I just holding the knife that was used to kill your mother!?! And why is there still blood on it!?!?! What the hell!!!" I had always heard of murders like this, read about them in magazines, on tv in the news, but never had anything like this hit so close to home.
As soon as he saw that I had thrown the knife, he was quickly on his way to retrieve it. Wrapping it back up in its cloth he stood and stared right into my eyes, I could see both anger and pain there. He said "The blood on this knife is the only thing I have left of my mother. Of her life. Even though it was used to take that life, its all I have."
I very much felt like an asshole at that moment for what I said. It obviously hurt his feelings and made him mad at me, and it hurt me that I had done that. "Jakob, I'm sorry. I understand why you kept the knife. Please sit down with me for a second." I saw his face, the expression didn't change. He was fairly upset with me at the moment... but he still came over to sit next to me.
"Jacob, I know you think that the knife inside that box is the last thing you have of your mother, but you have more than you realise."
He gave me this rather harsh, questioning look. "And what might that be?"
I reached over and asked him for the knife, handing it to me I held it up and pointed to the blood. "This is your mothers blood, right?" The look on his face seamed to get more and more frustrated as the seconds passed. "Yes it is." he said while crossing his arms.
"Jakob, your mother gave you the best gift she could ever possibly give you the day you were born. She gave you a part of herself. Simply by giving you life she passed on a piece of her soul to you. Its her blood that runs through your vains, Jakob. Her blood is fueling your heart and its what has been keeping you strong your entire life. Half of you is in fact, your mother."
Jakob's anger instantly faded and turned to fear. "Oh my God! Jeremy, are you telling me that my Dad's blood is in me too!?!?! I don't want to turn into a killer! I don... I can't...NO! I don't want to ...."
"Jakob! Jakob, slow down a second. You are NOT your father! You're father must have had something wrong with him in order to do the horrible things he did, thats not you! You're a sweet man who's compassionate and caring. You are more of your mother than your father. Your mother is the one who carried you for nine months, not your father..." He cut me off.
"Jeremy, you don't understand! My father was normal! He was always a nice guy, someone who would do anything for anyone if they needed help! He was alw.."
"Yes, but Jakob, was he happy?"
"huh? .....I don't think... No. He was always just there. He never showed that he was happy unless he was with his friends."
"Thats what the problem was. He was never happy, and it sounds to me like he just snapped one day! Now, let me ask you this. Are you happy, Jakob? I mean, aside from losing your mother, which is terrible, are you happy with your life?"
Silence. I stayed right where I was and just tried to figure out what he was thinking by the expressions he made. His eyes were the key. He looked around the room with a sence of fear in his eyes, then he glanced at me. His look of fear softened as his eyes pressed into mine. A small smile creeped onto his lips, and then he whispered to me "I am now. Now that I have you here with me." I leaned in and kissed him, ever so gently.
"Jeremy, can we take a walk? Theres something else I would like to show you, but this time its something pleasent. I promise!" He reached out and took my hand and pulled me up to a standing position, our noses bumping as I was rising up above him. I mumbled out an "Ouch!" as I was giggling, it kindof hurt but was funny at the same time. "Sorry!" was all Jakob said as he placed both hands on my chest and leaned into me, as if asking me to hold him in my arms. So thats exactly what I did.
"Jakob, you are not your father, ok? I want you to remember what I said the next time that thought goes through your head." I felt him remove his hands from my chest and wrap them around me. He snuggled his head into my shoulder and I could swear I heard him sniffle. "Jeremy, you know my mother wasn't born in Deutchland, she was born here. In fact she was born here on this farm."
"No kidding?" I mustered out.
"Yeah, thats the next thing I want to show you. Come with me!" He grabbed my hand and practically pulled me down the stairs and out of the barn. We walked outwards away from the house and away from the road heading straight for a tree that was in the middle of this giant field. Its amazing, there's this apple tree growing here in the middle of this field with absolutely nothing around it!
"This apple tree was born the same day as my mother. Only a few hours after my grandmother had my mom, my great aunt stayed with my grandmother and her baby while my grandfather walked this field. He was eating an apple that he had bought the previous day from the local market. He was actually out here searching for a good place to bury a box full of blood-soiled blankets that were used during the birthing.
I was listening carefully to what he was saying, his story was interesting to me. "Yeah, then what happened?" I asked him.
"Well, he finished his apple right here, and seeing it as a good place he dug a good sized hole and dropped the box in. What he didnt realise is that the apple core he had finished fell in with the box and he covered both the apple and the box with soil and left it alone. Skip ahead a few years, twenty-two years to be exact. My mother had come back here from Deutchland to give birth to me."
"Wow, she really came all the way back here from Germany to have you?" I asked.
Jakob continued "Yeah, she really wanted to be with her dad when she had me. Anyways, the day she brought me back from the hospital she was walking around out here with me in her arms. She stood here looking at the tree that was symbol of her birth. Thats when she noticed THAT" Jakob pointed to a section of the tree that was about ten feet from the ground.
"That, Jeremy, is the metal box that my grandfather burried that had the bloody blankets in it. Theres still some pieces of them left in there. Its hard to believe that the tree, while it was growing, pushed the box out of the ground and the trunk grew around the box fusing the two together."
I was confused so I had to speak up "Jakob, if the tree and box are fused together, how do you know theres still some fragments of the blankets still in there?"
"My aunt told me the story of how it got there, the same story I just told you, just a few days after I got here. I was so curious about it that I took some tools and climbed up there and forced part of the lid open. I could see two different colors of cloth in there, pink and blue. I guess they got both pink and blue because they didn't know if they were having a boy or girl."
"Makes sence" I chimed in. "Jakob, Ive got an idea. Did you get to attend your mothers funeral?"
"No, they wouldn't let me go. I wanted to be one of the guys who helped carry the casket." He said.
"You mean a Pallbearer? They are the ones who carry the coffin from the herse to the burying field."
"Yeah, one of those guys. They said I was too young, even at 15. That it was a role for the adults in the family."
"I see. Well, fuck 'em. Jakob, come with me."
"Where are we going? What are we doing?"
"You'll see" I said. He and I walked all the way back to the barn, took a good twenty minutes to reach it from the tree. When we reached the barn I told Jakob to go inside and change clothes, that he needs to "dress to impress". He was confused by my use of this phrase so I had to explain to him what it meant. So off he went inside the house while I made my way into the barn.
I reached the top of the stairs and guided my way to the box which contained the knife. I picked it up and took another look inside, pink fabric. Ding! light switch flipped on again! The pink fabric in the box, could this be a piece of the fabric from the box attatched to the tree? Wow, I cant believe I didnt think of this til now!
I took the box and placed a hammer in with the knife. Glancing around I found that there was an old t-shirt in the corner of the room on the floor, so I used it to cover the box. I tucked it under my arm and exited the barn to be greeted by Jakob who was just coming out of the house. Wow he looked great in a suit and tie!
"So, tell me Jeremy, why did I have to put my suit on just now?"
"Jakob, come with me. I promise, this is something that you need to do. This is step one in your recovery."
"Recovery?" He glanced at me with confused eyes. I led the way back to the tree, no conversation was made during the walk. Halfway there I looked over at him, head down with his eyes glued to the ground. I guess he could sence that I was staring at him because he looked up and caught our eyes in a lock. I gave him a small smile for reassurance.
A few minutes later we arrived at the tree's base. Jakob stood there looking at the box that was protruding out from the side, he was fixed there for so long that he didn't even notice that I had opened the box containing the knife. I took the knife and the hammer out and held them in my hands. I walked over between Jakob and the tree and stood there silent and still. Thats when he noticed me.
"Jeremy, what are you doing with the knife?"
"Jakob, sweetheart, for you to be able to go on with your life you must first be allowed to properly say goodbye to your mother. I think thats why you are having such a hard time letting go of her."
"I think your right. Why did you just call me sweetheart?" Jakob asked.
Without any hesitation in my voice I asked him "Isn't it obvious?"
Jakob stood there and slowly a smile crept onto his face, but it soon faded when his eyes again rediverted towards the knife in my hands. I walked over to a location beside the tree where there was a large portion of the tree's root that was growing out of the ground. I stood in front of it and turned towards Jakob and began.
"We are gathered here today to celebrate a life lost. She was a beautiful and nobal woman, but first and most importantly... she was a loving mother. A mother who was forcably and mercilessly taken from her only son. The man she loved and claimed as her husband betrayed her and robbed her of her life before it was her time."
Jakob's reaction to what I had just said was painfully clear, he was mad. I could see it in his eyes, he was at that point thats just passed pissed off. This is good, I remember when I lost my dad. When it came time for me to finally recover from my loss, anger was the first emotion to present itself. I continued...
"While this was a horrific and terrible trajedy, it is not without a happy ending. Any sin, any wrong doing that she may have ever commited in her lifetime, any lies she may have ever told, are all hereby washed away entirely. Her soul is now cleansed and now currently resides in Heaven where she was greeted by God with open arms."
I never broke eye contact with Jakob, I watched as his reactions went from anger to sorrow. My goal is to help him achieve contentiveness. While he may have one learned to cope with this ordeal someday, it doesn't even begin to compare to the healing power of getting an actual chance to say goodbye. The soothing qualities that closure can bring are unsurpassed. Again I continued...
"To the world I say this: We have lost a great woman and the world will be a little less bright without her among us. She will be missed. To her son, Jakob, I say to you: You have lost a loving mother, and not a day will go by that you wont miss her or think of her, but you have gained an Angel in Heaven who is certain to be watching over you for the rest of your life. You may be without her physically, but her spirit will live on forever. Now, Jakob, I invite you to say a few words."
Jakob looked so emotionally drained as he took center stage in front of the big apple tree that towered above us. He found his place and turned around to face me. His eyes met mine and we shared a brief moment of silent understanding. I lightly nodded my head in assurance that it was safe to open up and say whatever he wants. With tears staining his cheeks he nodded back at me, he then lowered his stare towards the ground just before speaking.
"Mom, you were my best friend, if ever I was sad you would always be there to comfort me. It was because of you that I am who I am today. You were so supportive of me when I told you I was gay, I doubt that I would be as comfortable with myself as I am now without you being by my side. I love you, and I've missed you so much that I've spent many nights crying myself to sleep."
Jakob looks to me and signals that he is finished. I retake my place by the tree and finish my service with a prayer. The singing of the "Kaddish" at a burial service is a custom within Jewdaism, and since Jakob doesn't know the words I feel honored that I get to sing it for him in tribute to his mother:
The Kaddish (Prayer For The Dead) Yitgaddal veyitqaddash shmeh rabba Be?alma di vra khir'uteh veyamlikh malkhuteh [veyatzmakh purqaneh viqarev (Ketz) meshikheh] bekhayekhon uvyomekhon uvkhaye dekhol bet yisrael be?agala uvizman qariv ve?imru amen yehe shmeh rabba mevarakh le?alam ul?alme ?almaya Yitbarakh veyishtabbakh veyitpaar veyitromam veyitnasse veyithaddar veyit?alle veyithallal shmeh dequdsha, brikh hu le?ella (l?ella mikkol) min kol birkhata veshirata tushbekhata venekhemata daamiran bealma ve?imru amen
Jakob's sobbing now, he knows that whats coming next is the moment he must say goodbye.
He looks up at me with his free-flowing eyes and asks "What do we do next?"
I walk over to him and cup the side of his face in my hand to show him my support. "Its time to bid your Mom her final fairwell. Come with me." I guide him over to the section of exposed roots and we take a squatting position on either side of it.
"Jakob, this tree saw the birth of your mother, and so shall it see her death. Above us we see the box that contains the blankets that helped to bring her into this world. Below us, here in the root of this tree, we shall imbead the knife that helped to remove her from it. Here's the hunting knife, you get the honor of driving it into the root."
Jakob picked up the hammer in his right hand and the knife in his left. He held it straight and began hammering the top of the handle. It took him quite a long time to hammer the blade into the tree's root, but when he was done it was a good 3 1/2 inches deep and showed no sign of movement or budging. it wasn't going anywhere.
We both stood up and took a few steps to the front of the tree and turned to face it. We just stared at it in amazement The blankets that brought her into this world up on top, and the knife that killed her down at the bottom. Jakob spoke up and said "Its quite poetic, how did you think of this? I mean, I never would have thought of something even close to this!"
"Believe it or not, it just came to me... and I dont know why or how."
"Jeremy, do you really think my mother is an Angel in Heaven? Do you really think she's watching over me?" Jakob asked, uncertainty in his voice.
"I very much believe that she is. I really do.... One question though Jakob, do you think your mother would have liked me? I mean, if she were given the opportunity to meet me before?"
"Jeremy, after what you just did for me today, it would't surprise me if she was up there planning our wedding already!" Jakob said with a big laugh!
"I just wish there was a way to know for certain how she felt about you and me being together. I mean, I wish there was a sign or something!"
The moment I finished speaking I took Jakobs hand in mine and just stood there looking into his eyes. A gust of wind blew through the field, strong enough to knock over the box that once held the knife. In doing so, it caused the pink piece of cloth from within to come flying out. As we were staring into eachothers eyes, the pink cloth flew over and got cought on our hands that were clasped together.
Jakob and I both looked down to see the piece of cloth that was being pressed against our hands by the flowing wind. He looked back up at me and asked "Is that a good enough sign for you?"
The End
Please write to me at valor_101@yahoo.com and let me know if my story was any good. If you hated it, at least be nice about it, this is only the first story i've ever written after all!
There are absolutely NO truths to this work of fiction. Any similarities to any place or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.