"Dream of a Guardian Angel: After the Dream" By: Phantom Writer
Special Note: After several requests, I decided to continue "Dream of a Guardian Angel," only not in a dream. The installments will be shorter, but the story will still be emotive and entertaining. This series will, however, come to an end. In my humble opinion, knowing when the story is finished is the key to effective story writing. This story WILL end, just not today.
Legal Stuff: This material is not meant to be read by anyone under 18. If you're offended by literature with homosexual themes, step off! If not, read on. This is a work of fiction. Therefore, the author makes no claims as to the sexual orientation of any member of *N Sync. I have permission to incorporate facts from the life of my friend and neighbor in the form of the main character, Jase.
Side Note: First, for those wanting to just read about *N Sync, let me warn you that installment further develops Jase's character before he meets up with *N Sync. Please read "Dream of a Guardian Angel" before continuing any further as it lays the foundation for this installment. As always, for anyone who would like to send comments or suggestions, please do so. (phantomwriter73@hotmail.com)
Special Thanks: Thank you to everyone who sent such positive feedback to "Dream of a Guardian Angel." I'm speechless with gratitude.
Now, without further ado...
(Previously...from "Dream of a Guardian Angel.")
"And just let me say this. If I hadn't seen Justin last night, I would have never come to terms with being gay and the tragedy of my family's death. If I hadn't met you five guys, I probably would have never felt happiness or joy again. In my book, you five are my guardian angels." I allowed my tears to slowly fall down my cheeks. I had never felt as content and happy in a very long time. I couldn't imagine my life without JC, Justin, Lance, Chris and Joey.
That afternoon, the guys left my apartment and returned to their hotel. Later, I stopped by to say 'thanks' and wish them success, since they were scheduled to fly to Orlando that evening. To my surprise, when I arrived, I was greeted by a representative of Jive Records and was offered a recording contract with special guest artists by the name of *N Sync scheduled to perform on my first release. I was in shock. I knew Jive wouldn't sign me without having heard me sing. That's when I heard myself singing. I turned around to see Lance smiling as he held a mini-cassette recorder up playing the song I had sung to JC this morning. I just shook my head, grabbed a pen, signed my name...and then I woke up.
And now, "After the Dream."
I woke from my dream with a smile, something I hadn't done in a while. My dream had been so vivid, not the norm for me. Unfortunately, I remembered what was, and, what wasn't a dream. I sighed heavily, trying to prevent the tears I knew were inevitable. It had been just over a week since I had come out and then suffered the tragic lost of my immediate family. My mind began to race as the emotions once again overtook me. 'Why? Why? WHY? What have I done that's so damn terrible that God would make me suffer like this? Please, someone, anyone, explain this to me!' I wept quietly until no more tears were left.
I realized I only had 30 minutes to get ready for work. This would be my first day back at the office. Luckily, the company I work for offers a paid week of leave when a member of your immediate family dies. The intent for this week is to allow you to make the appropriate funeral arrangements and give you time to grieve before returning to work. But in my case, I had been forbidden to even attend my family's funeral. So, I spent the week locked up in my apartment trying to come to terms with the whole ordeal. Needless to say, it hadn't worked. I was more of a wreck now than when I first learned of my tragic loss. No matter how bad it hurt when my family dismissed me and turned away from me, I still couldn't help but wonder if they would have forgiven me had they been given the chance. Now, I would never know.
In a zombie-like state, I turned on the shower as hot as I could stand it and allowed the heat to penetrate my body. I cleared my mind and psyched myself out for the upcoming day at the office. I kept telling myself 'Stay true to who you are and everything will be O.K.' Little did I know what the day held for me.
I don't care what anyone says, Mondays SUCK. From the moment I walked into the office, I felt like I was in a whirling dervish. Luckily, around noon, I could finally go to my office and do some real work. I started typing a memo regarding the project procedures I had been revising for 'Legal.' That's when my day turned into something between an unanswered prayer and my worst nightmare.
"Jason, can I see you in my office for a moment?"
"Sure, I'll be right there." I looked up at the door where my boss had once been, but she had already left. Leslie was really a great boss. She had been so concerned when my family died that she offered to send me on a two week personal leave with pay. That would be in addition to the week I was entitled to due to my family's death. I turned it down like a dumb ass.
I walked into Leslie's office and closed the door. I sat down across from her and looked at her blankly.
"Jason, I think we need to talk."
"What about?" I knew the answer, but I wanted Leslie to spell it out.
"Jason...Jase. You don't mind if I call you that do you?"
"Of course not, all my friends do..." I couldn't help but get teary-eyed as I realized she was the closest friend I had left.
"Jase, I received a call from the lawyers settling your family's estate. Evidently, one of your aunts gave them my number as a means of contacting you. Jase, I don't understand. Why didn't the lawyers talk to you when you went to the funeral?"
I was in shock. Talk about a fuckin' Monday! I couldn't imagine anything worse than what I was facing right then. I came to Leslie's office thinking she was going to try to talk me into taking the two weeks off I had turned down. That, I could handle.
"I...I don't know...I just..." The tears began to fall. I wasn't prepared to answer such questions, and yet I knew I couldn't avoid them any longer. I looked at the floor, not knowing what to say next.
"Oh, Jason. Why didn't you tell me what was going on. The lawyers told me that your extended family had not permitted you to go to the funeral. Is it for the reason I think it is?"
My head snapped up and looked directly into Leslie's eyes. Surely she didn't know. I mean, there was no way she could know. Or could she?
"W...what reason?" I knew she could see the fear in my eyes.
"Is it...please don't take this the wrong way if you're not. But are you gay? I mean, you are under no obligation to tell me this, and it will in no way have any effect on your job. I'm asking you as a friend." I sensed Leslie was concerned that she had overstepped her authority and was in some way trying to back-peddle out of her predicament.
"How did you know? I've known you less than two years, and the family I had my whole life didn't know. How? Most people would say I'm straight as a board, but now I haven't got the foggiest idea what anyone really thinks about me anymore." My little speech caught Leslie off guard. She stared at me for several moments before she answered.
"Well, I just sort of knew. Don't ask me how, I just knew. But, now that I know you are, can you please tell me what happened week before last? I really think you need to talk about this."
I couldn't believe I was about to tell Leslie about my life. We were friends, but not really close, for business reasons. But for some reason, I felt I owed her the truth. I told Leslie the whole story, from childhood up to and including coming out to my family. I couldn't continue with the part about my family's death until I had regained control of my emotions, if that is even possible.
"Leslie, after I returned to Dallas, my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, and my two nieces were...were killed in a terrible traffic accident on the way to San Antonio. I can't keep thinking how I will never know if they could forgive me for being gay. I can't help but feel guilty that I...that I caused the accident. My parents would have never gone to my brother's place that weekend if I had just left well enough alone and let them continue thinking I was just enjoying the bachelor's life too much to get married. IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!" As I finally looked up to meet Leslie's gaze, I soon realized that I had not been the only one crying.
I looked at Leslie and suddenly fell out laughing. Her mascara had run, and as she had wiped away the tears, she had given herself the "I'm a raccoon" look. I laughed until I cried, but this time with tears of joy. Leslie looked at me with shock at my sudden change of emotions. I was so tickled, all I could do was hand her the mirror hanging on her office wall. Soon, both of us were laughing uncontrollably.
"Well, at least I made you laugh!" Leslie said fishing a tissue and makeup from her purse to repair the damage.
"I guess you were right. I really needed someone to talk to."
"I'm ALWAYS right. That's why I'm the BOSS." Leslie couldn't keep from giggling at the reference to an inside joke we had shared for several months. (Both Leslie and I had gone to a training seminar on group dynamics and team building. Part of the training session was a skit demonstrating what NOT to do. Leslie could never get over the 'I'm ALWAYS right...' part of the skit and loved to throw it at me when I needed a good laugh. It worked!)
"Well, now that I have wasted your time telling you my sad tale, I should really get back to work." I tried my best to put aside my sadness.
"I have a better idea." Leslie's tone was now more serious.
"What, better than me doing some real work around here? I've got to earn my paycheck some how!" I used my best smart-ass attitude, which is pretty damn smart-ass, but I didn't get the response I was expecting.
"Jason! Let me tell you something. You are the best employee I have ever managed. You get more accomplished in one week than most do in two weeks. I'm not just saying this because I'm your friend. I'm saying this as your boss. So don't give me this 'I've got to get some work done' bull shit. I really think you need to take some time off away from this office. You can't keep hiding from the pain by laughing it off or working yourself into an early grave! I tell you what..."
I was taken aback. I never knew how much Leslie appreciated my work. Sure, she always gave me a glowing review and my annual raises were generous, but she had never vocalized her feelings.
"Hello...Marianne, I need a favor. I need you to push through a paid two week LOA as soon as possible... Yes, I know it's short notice, but one of my department managers recently lost his immediate family in a traffic accident. (Leslie looked up as she spoke these words. I could only close my eyes and hold back the tears.) Sure, fax the papers to me ASAP, then I'll sign them and fax them back to you... OK, I'll inter-office you the original paperwork overnight express... You're the best... I know, but it's the least I can do... Let's do lunch next time I'm in Houston, my treat... Once again, Marianne, you're the best... Bye"
"Leslie, there is NO way I can take a leave-of-absence for two weeks right now! Phase two of the project is scheduled to start in one week and I don't know if 'Legal' will approve my revised procedures. Without the new procedures, all HELL is gonna break loose and I'll spend the next three months trying to put fuckin' Humpty Dumpty back together again!"
"Guess what? I'm well aware of the role you play in the project, but the project can be damned for all I care. I can cover all the managerial duties you perform for the next two weeks. I may not look it, but I can shovel the shit with the best of them when the need arises. I just want you to get away for a while until you can come to terms with everything that's happened. I know you feel obligated to be in the office, and if I didn't force you, you would never even take your regular vacation. But in this case, I'm calling the shots." Leslie was not taking 'NO' for an answer.
"OK, OK. Just remember, page me if you need anything and I'll have my cell..."
"Jason. Let me see your pager." Leslie's hand was out, waiting for me to comply.
"What?"
"Give me your pager! What the hell good will it do if you sit around waiting for someone to page you when the point of getting away is just that...GETTING AWAY!"
"Damn, do I know you? I'm not sure I've ever seen this side of you." While I said this, I unclipped my pager from my belt and handed Leslie my last link to the office.
"Thank you! I'll give it back to you when you return. Now go. Shut down your computer, lock your office, and I'll see you in two weeks, and not a day before!" Leslie smiled a heart-felt smile that made me realize she was doing all of this for my well being. It felt motherly in a way. But somewhere deep inside, I couldn't process the emotion I was feeling.
I walked to my office and sat behind my desk. But something inside made me at least finish the memo I had been writing some hours earlier. I decided I should cc: Leslie, so 'Legal' would have an alternate contact during my absence. After I clicked on SEND, I enabled my Out-of-Office message, changed my voice mail, and shut down the computer. Once I locked my office, I stopped back by Leslie's office to say 'thank you' and let her know I had finished the memo to Legal.
"Honey, I love you... I just wanted to call you and tell you... You never know when the last words you say to someone will truly be the last... No, there's nothing wrong..."
I felt bad listening to Leslie's call, but I couldn't help it. I walked away never letting her know I had been by. I had to get out of there before the tears started to fall.
It was now Wednesday and I couldn't stand being cooped up in my apartment any longer. I had come home on Monday and drank until I felt no pain, emotional or otherwise. Then on Tuesday, I woke up late and did little but play the piano and try to sort out my feelings. Usually when I play the piano, I can resolve most any problem, but I had no way to resolve my predicament. My family was dead and buried. How could I confront them and help them to understand I was the same person I had always been. Needless to say, several bottles of wine came to the rescue and I again fell into my bed without a care in the world.
But now, the third day of my exile from work, I received a call around 2PM from the lawyers settling the estate of my parents and my brother. Leslie had obviously given them my phone number since I'm unlisted. They simply informed me that I was the sole beneficiary of both the estates of my brother and my parents and that they had sent the necessary paperwork to my address. I was in shock. I never thought about getting anything from the family that had cast me out. I couldn't help but think that had the accident not occurred just days after I told them I was gay, they would have written me out of their wills and removed my beneficiary status from the life insurance policies.
Around 6PM, I threw some clothes into a duffel bag, grabbed my cell phone and called a taxi. I was heading for DFW International Airport and had no idea were I was going. I just knew I was getting the hell out of town. As I left my apartment, I noticed a manila envelope taped to my door. I quickly put it in my duffel bag and headed out to catch the taxi I had called.
As I arrived at the airport, I didn't understand why the airport seemed rather deserted. I guess most people didn't take flights in the evening on "Hump Day." I walked up to look at all departures from DFW and decided to head east. I preferred some place with a beach, or at least moderate weather. Orlando!!! I've been there twice and it's nothing but a hop, skip, and a jump to either the Atlantic or Gulf of Mexico. (For those who are not from Texas, you may look at a map of Florida and ask 'A hop, skip, and a jump?' Well, in Texas, you can drive all day and still never leave the state, depending on where you start from and where you're going, of course.)
I walked up to the counter and asked the young lady if there were any seats available on the flight leaving for Orlando in 45 minutes. She quickly brought up the flight data and said it was fairly empty since it was a multi-leg flight. I asked what leg the Dallas departure was and she confirmed it was the second leg, with a short layover in Atlanta before continuing on to Orlando. I wouldn't reach Orlando until shortly after midnight. 'Oh well, that's what you get for moping around all day and not leaving earlier.' I couldn't help but feel the sense that no matter the length of the trip to Orlando, I was in some way making my way out of the despair and sadness I had firmly entrenched myself in. With my ticket in hand, I moved toward the gate of departure.
As soon as I sat down, the PA came on announcing the delay of my flight due to the first-leg flight running behind schedule. I was pissed! Couldn't that little heifer at the counter have warned me before I bought my ticket! I would have been just as content to go to Miami, or even Tampa! Oh well, no sense in crying over spilled milk. I sat down in the row of seats closest to the window looking out to the tarmac. At least, I wouldn't have to watch people roam the terminal. I could peer out and watch the planes come and go. After thirty minutes or so, I saw the plane finally pull up to the gate. 'Shit, the damn plane just got here and the original departure time is in 10 minutes. I sure hope the delay carries over to the Atlanta/Orlando departure, or I'm screwed!
I decided to walk up to the gate attendant and ask for the new departure time. She took the ticket from my hand and wrote the corrected departure time down in blue ink and handed it back to me. 'BITCH, it was a simple question.' I smiled my best kiss-my-ass smile and decided it might be a good time to take a trip to restroom.
As I returned to my seat to get my duffel bag, I noticed a group of guys walking with their heads down, sunglasses on, and a variety of hats covering their heads. I thought to myself, 'Now I know the reason for the delay in the first leg of the flight.' I figured they were celebrities of some form or fashion, but since I wasn't a big OH-MY-GOD-YOU'RE-LIKE-FAMOUS person, I simply grabbed my bag and proceeded to the restroom.
TBC...
Not hard to guess who Jase will run into next, but it will be entertaining, to say the least. The next installment will be out later this week. As always, comments are welcome, flames ignored. (phantomwriter73@hotmail.com)