Dream of a Guardian Angel

"Dream of a Guardian Angel: After the Dream" By: Phantom Writer

Legal Stuff: This material is not meant to be read by anyone under 18. If you're offended by literature with homosexual themes, step off! If not, read on. This is a work of FICTION. Therefore, the author makes no claims as to the sexual orientation of any member of *N Sync. I have permission to incorporate facts from the life of my friend and neighbor in the form of the main character, Jase.

Side Note: Well, here's installment 5! I PROMISE no more 'isle' instead of 'aisle.' (See what happens when you aren't paying attention to AUTOCORRECT settings -- SUCKS!) Anywho, this one was difficult to write. I hope I make good on my work to keep improving with each installment. Please read the previous installments of "Dream of a Guardian Angel" before continuing any further - it will make much more sense. As always, for anyone who would like to send comments or suggestions, please do so. (phantomwriter73@hotmail.com)

Special Thanks: Jase, thanks for 'being' the fictional Jase. You're the best! And for all those who e-mailed, a big THANKS for the support.

Now, without further ado...

(Previously...from "Dream of a Guardian Angel: The Truth Unfolds.")

I never knew that my outburst in the night had startled the guys upstairs awake. Nor did I know that they had heard me playing the piano and stood in the doorway, silently listening and watching me in the darkness. Only when I heard someone sniffle did I turn to see Justin, Lance, JC, Joey and Chris with looks of awe on their faces as tears fell downs their cheeks. I couldn't speak. I simply turned away and continued playing the song. They could never know the meaning of sharing music with them. I remembered my dream of a guardian angel and knew this was meant to be. I had found my guardian angels.

And now, "Revelation."

I continued to play several more songs. I don't know how long the guys just stood there, not saying a word, but listening to every note I played. Playing the piano had definitely calmed me, and I once again could sing without choking back the tears. I closed my eyes and sang.

'Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?

Why should my heart feel lonely, and long for heaven and home.

When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is He,

For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy, and I sing because I'm free.

For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.'

As I finished singing my favorite hymn, I opened my eyes. I could feel the tears returning and I wasn't even sure why. I turned to look at the doorway only to find it empty. 'Where did they go? I hope I didn't offend them by not talking to them when they were here earlier. Once again, Jason, you've mess up.' I got up from the piano and walked back into the den. I stumbled in the dark. I was still not sure of my surroundings, and with the moonlight obscured by what I assumed were curtains, I just inched my way toward the couch. That is when I got the shock of the century. I sat down right in someone's lap.

"What the...Now let me think. Either I just copped a squat right into someone's lap or this couch is awfully EXCITED to see me. Let...me...think.

If this is Justin, I know you said 'You're staying with me tonight,' but don't be expectin' any lovin' BIG BOY! I have a headache." I stood up to face the couch. As I turned, someone switched on a lamp and I'll be damned if I hadn't in fact sat in Justin's lap. Justin's mouth was wide open, and as everyone's eyes adjusted to the light, we all fell out laughing at Justin's expression. I sat on the floor and stared back up at Justin once the laughter had subsided. Justin got a big grin on his face.

"DAMN, and I even brought rubbers!" Justin and the rest of the guys busted out laughing. I, on the other hand, was left with my mouth wide open in surprise.

"That's a first! I never thought I'd see Jase caught short on words!" Joey was much impressed with his observation, so I decided to send him into another 'what did he just say?' tailspin.

"Well, I'll be a suck-egg-fool." I said this with nothing short of a matter-of-fact tone and waited for the fallout.

"Ah, SHIT. There he goes again. What'd he say?" Joey again pulled his 'dumb and confused' face out for display.

"Shocked, maybe. Short on words, NEVER! If you haven't figured it out yet, I could talk the hind legs off a mule. So being short on words just doesn't fit my profile. But now I have to ask, what in the world were y'all doing here sitting in the dark? I really didn't mean to wake y'all up, especially..."

"Jase, we had only been here from the airport for about 15 minutes before you yelled out in your sleep. I had just gotten to the top of the stairs after having taken your clothes off..."

"Lance! And all this time I've been thinking Justin was the little horn-dog!" I said this smiling, but Lance looked pissed. The other guys noticed and refrained from laughing out loud.

"Damn it, Jase. You're doing it again! Why do you always have to turn everything into a fuckin' joke or smart-ass comment!" Lance looked as if he was about to cry. I, on the other hand, had tears falling freely down my face and began trembling with the emotional outburst building from within.

By some miracle, I didn't go off. I stood, walked out of the den, and returned to the studio with the piano. By the time I reached the piano bench, my tears had stopped. I was shutting down inside, my mind overloaded with anger, confusion, guilt, and rage. Why was it that these five young men, people I had met less than a day ago, seemed to know me so well? They read me like a book, seeing the sadness behind the laughter, the pain behind the smile. My own family never knew the hours I cried myself to sleep wishing I could tell them who I really was. I spent ten years hiding behind humor to shield myself from my family ever discovering I was gay. And now, someone was calling me on my actions. I wasn't prepared to handle ten years of emotion at this moment. So my sub-conscience sent my mind into survival mode - isolate the emotions and suppress them from surfacing. I was in a daze, never registering that JC, Justin, Lance, Joey and Chris had followed me back into the studio.

"Please talk to us. Don't shut us out!" Lance began to sob. I never even comprehended what he said. I was slipping away into my safe place, the place I had spent over a week after my family's death until Leslie made me confront my pain. I knew I would have to tell them the whole story. Keeping the fact that I was gay from the guys was causing my emotional swings to decimate what little spark of joy I had left in my soul. I couldn't seem to break the cycle of confronting the pain and then suppressing it. But this was not the time. I didn't know why, but something inside told me tonight was not the night for my revelation.

I don't remember when or how, but the next thing I registered was sitting on someone's bed. I looked up to the faces surrounding me. First, I saw JC. His eyes were mesmerizing. I saw in him the controlled turmoil of someone in love with someone, but unable to acknowledge that love. Next, I saw Chris. Concern and compassion showed clearly on his face. Then I looked at Joey. The pain in his eyes showed understanding. Justin's eyes were clouded with tears, hiding the truth within. Finally, I looked at Lance and, as in the plane before reaching Orlando, my emotions overpowered me and the tears began to fall endlessly. Lance sat beside me on the bed and pulled me into a tight embrace. After I cried myself to sleep, Lance pulled the covers back and put me into bed.

While I was asleep***********

"How can Jase keep doing this to himself? Why can't he just let everything out?" Lance was perplexed.

"Scoop, can't you see it in his eyes? There is more going on than any of us realize. I saw it in his eyes in Dallas. I saw it on the flight here. Jase will tell us when the time is right. We just have to be patient. And Scoop, lay off Jase about making jokes and what not. Don't you remember him saying that was his defense mechanism? Until he trusts us, he will guard himself from us. And I think he really needs us to just be here, you know?"

Chris shocked everyone with his perception of the situation.

"But..."

"No 'buts' Lance. Let well enough alone. Tomorrow after our meeting, we can all come back here and just be with him, get to know him. I mean SHIT, did any of you know that he could sing and play the piano? And did anyone notice that Jase played and sang 'This I Promise You' and the album hasn't even been released? He's obviously a fan and yet he hasn't even asked us any *N Sync questions or gotten fanatic on us or anything." Chris had everyone nodding in agreement.

"Let's get to bed. It's nearly three in the morning and we have to be at the meeting at 10AM sharp. Justin, I'll take the couch down stairs and you can take my bed, Ok?" JC was already heading for the door when Justin spoke.

"No, I think I'll stay in here. My bed's a King Size, so there's plenty of room." JC looked at Justin in shock, but could see Justin was determined.

Joey and Chris followed JC out of Justin's room, but Lance just sat down next to me on the bed.

"Curly, do you mind if I stay in here too? I want to be here if Jase has another nightmare. It's all my fault..." Lance began to cry again.

"Scoop, it's nobody's fault. You just want to help, but if Jase isn't ready for your help, you have to wait. And, I don't mind if you stay in here with Jase and me. You'd do the same for me!" Justin sat beside Lance and put his arm around Lance's shoulder. Lance laid his head on Justin's arm. Little did either Justin or Lance know, but JC was standing in the doorway seeing the entire scene. Tears came to JC's eyes as he quietly went back to his room and cried himself to sleep.

"Pick a side, I've gotta piss." Justin left the room as Lance took off his clothes. He left only his boxers on and climbed into bed. Justin returned wearing only silk boxers.

"Scoop, you ready for lights out?"

"I'm ready. Let's get some sleep. Don't forget to set your alarm though. We can't miss the meeting tomorrow."

Justin set his alarm, climbed into bed and got comfortable. He was almost asleep when he heard Lance begin to lightly snore. Justin smiled as he slipped off to sleep.

When I woke up***********

My eyes slowly opened yet again to unfamiliar surroundings. I stretched and sat up. 'How in the hell did I get in here? The last thing I remember...oh great, yet another emotional episode. These guys are gonna think I'm crazy!' I got up and saw a note taped to the door of whoever's bedroom.

'Jase,

We had to go to a meeting and didn't want to wake you. Make yourself at home. If the phone rings, you can answer it; it should be my mom. I called her this morning and told her you were my guest for as long as you're in Orlando. She will be home tomorrow and is dying to meet you.

We should be back around 1PM and the guys and I were thinking about maybe ordering pizza or something, we're not sure.

Hope you slept well. Lance and I weren't too sure with all the gropin' you did last night!

Justin

I had to read the last sentence again. 'GROPIN? What the hell is he talking about? Oh, I bet the little shit is trying to get back at me for yesterday's antics. He'll think 'GROPIN' when he gets back here this afternoon.'

It was 10:30AM, so I found my way downstairs and finally located my duffel bag. I grabbed a change of clothes and headed for the bathroom I had discovered on my way downstairs. After a good, hot shower, I got dressed, returned downstairs and grabbed the envelope from the attorneys. I read through the documents and grabbed my cell phone.

'Hey Gary...I'm doin' as well as can be expected. Listen, I'm gonna need you to take care of some things for me while I'm out of town...Orlando...yesterday. I'll be back the end of next weekend, but I need these things taken care of ASAP...I'll send you everything I have Overnight Express and then call me on my cell...Thanks, I appreciate you lookin' at this for me.'

Gary had been my lawyer since I started working in Dallas three years ago. I wanted to make sure my legal matters were taken care of properly, and he was the best. I decided to call Leslie and let her know I had taken her advice and left Dallas. Unfortunately, I got her voice mail. I decided to find the kitchen and get some coffee. Then I thought back to the note Justin had left. Maybe I should cook something up for lunch as a way of saying 'Thank You' to the guys. They had put up with a lot of my shit.

I found the kitchen, looked through the pantry and fridge, and decided to make some of my famous Chicken Alfredo from scratch. The only thing missing was the fresh pasta, but dried pasta would have to do. I got the sauce going and was about to prepare the chicken when the phone rang.

"Hello"

"Is this Jason?"

"Yes. Is this Justin's mom?"

"How'd you know?"

"The same way you knew this was Jason. Your son told me to answer the phone because you would be calling."

"Well, I'm Lynn. And listen, make yourself at home. If you need anything, just let Justin know. He's a good kid. Also, let him know I won't be back in Orlando until next weekend. I have to fly to Europe this afternoon. Tell Justin I'll call him before I leave. He may get upset because I told him I would be there tomorrow to spend some quality time with him. He's been rather distant the last several months and I'm worried, but anyway. Did you find somethin' to eat for breakfast? Justin said you were still asleep right before he hung up this morning."

"Well, I didn't have breakfast because I'm cooking the guys some lunch. Quick question, do you possibly have a grill? I'm making Chicken Alfredo and I prefer to grill the chicken rather than bake it."

"You're cooking for the guys? That's nice of you, but don't feel obligated to pamper them."

"It's really just to say thank you for last night. They really helped me..."

"Hon, you don't have to say anything. Justin told me about everything. I'm really sorry."

"Thank you." I didn't know what else to say. "But back to the grill."

"I'm sorry, the grill's on the patio. Well, I've got to go. Tell the guys hello for me and that I missed them while they were gone."

"I will. And thank you for your hospitality. It means more than you will ever know."

"It's my pleasure. Take care."

Lynn hung up the phone and I found the grill on the patio. I fired it up and got back to the kitchen. I grilled the chicken and was finishing the salad and breadsticks when the front door opened. JC, Justin, Lance, Chris and Joey strolled in but suddenly everyone stopped.

"Is that what I think it is? FOOD!" Justin lit up like a Christmas Tree.

"No, it's called LUNCH were I'm from. FOOD is what you find in a grocery store. I'm just finishing up, so everyone find a seat at the table and we can eat." I started bringing in the trays of food.

"What's on the menu?" Joey kept sniffing the air like a hound dog on the trail.

"Well let's see. I've got pasta, Alfredo sauce, grilled chicken, breadsticks, and salad. That gives you several combinations to mix and match to your liking." I finished bringing in the last items and sat down.

"Where did you order this from?" Joey's eyes were wide with hunger as he looked at the mounds of food on the table.

"Someone BITCH SLAP him before I pull a Justin and open a can of Whoop-ass on him."

All five turned and looked at me in shock.

"I made this from scratch, smart-ass! Don't tell me y'all do nothing but eat out unless someone cooks for you!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. But then again, when would they have time to cook?

"You're shittin' me! You made all of this?" Chris nearly fell out of his chair.

"Yeeesss. I wanted to do something to show y'all I appreciate y'all putting up with my bull shit last night. Something to try to say 'Thank You' for being there, even if I was a jerk."

"You weren't a jerk! You just needed a little lovin' that's all." Justin popped off and I saw my opportunity.

"Oh, a little lovin'! So that's why my ass is so sore this morning. I take it from your note this morning that I didn't sleep alone. And as for you other three, how could you leave me alone with these two walkin' hard-ons? Do you have no love for me at all?" I started giggling.

"Well it sure as hell wasn't my idea!" JC looked at me coldly and continued to fix his plate.

"Enough said, let's eat." Lance brought the conversation to a halt, which I appreciated. I needed to find the right thing to say to JC to help him see the 'light' and not feel threatened by my friendship with Justin. I just didn't know when the time would be right.

We ate lunch and talked little while both Joey and Justin seemed to inhale the food while the rest of us ate leisurely. Only after everything was eaten did I apologize for not preparing any dessert. Lance looked at me with a silly grin.

"So you can cook? Can you clean and do laundry too?" The other guys chuckled at his attempted joke, but I didn't take to his joke as well as I probably should have.

"You learn how to do lots of things when there's no one else to do them for you." I stood from the table, grabbed my plate, and returned to the kitchen. I didn't know why I said what I said, but I regretted it already. I returned to the dining room.

"Lance, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I must have forgotten to take my 'Anti-Bitchy' pill this morning. I'm just in a mood today. I don't like relayin' bad news." I had intended to tell Justin that his mom wasn't coming home tomorrow some time later, but life never seems to follow my plans.

"What bad news? You're not leaving are you?" Justin was concerned and moved toward me quickly.

"No, I'm not leaving yet, unless y'all are tired of being around an emotional wreck. The bad news, how can I say this. She said you would probably get upset." I was thinking out loud without even realizing it.

"Let me guess. My mom isn't coming home tomorrow. That's typical. Just when I have some time off, she is away and can't even see me." Justin walked out of the den and toward the front door. Obviously, this was old news to the guys since they all just shook their heads and said nothing.

"Justin, wait! Where are you going?" I was lost by the whole situation.

"I just need to get some air. I'm gonna cruise for a while." Justin was already walking out the door.

I grabbed the envelope I needed to send Gary and told the guys I was going with Justin and not to worry. I ran outside and jumped into the passenger side of Justin's car. He just looked at me blankly.

"If you don't mind, I would like some time alone."

"Well I do mind, and besides, if you're gonna go cruisin' around at least you can help me take care of some important business. You forgot I don't have the foggiest idea where I am and couldn't even call a cab to come get me since I don't know your address." I chose my words and the tone of my voice carefully. I didn't want another Lance incident.

"Oh yah! I forgot about that. I'm sorry. What do you need to do?" Justin had managed a little smile.

"All I need to do is go to a Post Office and then I would like to stop by a news-stand. I haven't seen the Journal today, so I want to pick one up." (That's the Wall Street Journal for those who didn't know.)

"Then sit back, fasten your seatbelt, and let's jet." Justin sped out of the driveway and we were on our way.

I sat quietly and looked out of the window. I knew Justin needed to think to himself. Justin pulled up to a Post Office and I got out without a word.

After dropping off the legal papers for Gary, I returned to the car and got back in. Justin was on his cell phone.

"I'm OK! Besides, Jase is with me and he needed to get a couple things done. I totally forgot we had kinda kidnapped him at the airport and then left him alone until after noon. Some friends we are, right?" Justin smiled at me as he said this.

'Friends? They consider themselves my friends?' I hadn't even realized this. It just seemed so odd, and yet so normal. I felt I could tell these guys anything and they would be there no matter what. Justin startled me when he touched my shoulder.

"Jase, you OK?"

"Yah, I was just thinking. Anyway, who was that on the phone?"

"JC. He was worried about me. He's always looked out for me ever since we were kids on MMC." Justin started the car and we were off.

Justin took me to get a Wall Street Journal. When we stopped, I told Justin to circle the block and I'd be waiting when he got back. I ran up to the stand and damn near fell over dead. On the cover of nearly every 'Gossip Rag' was a picture of me with Lance's arm around me in the airport last night. I grabbed two or three and read the headlines. 'Gay Shocker: *N Sync's Lance Bass Sighted with Boyfriend.' 'Mystery Solved: Lance Bass Seen with Gay Boyfriend.' 'Who IS, Who ISN'T: Well Lance Bass IS.' I bought the 'rags' and quickly returned to the corner. I rolled up the magazines and waited. Justin drove up and I got in.

"Let's get back to your house, NOW!" Justin was shocked, but could see I was serious.

We arrived back only about thirty minutes after we left. I walked into the den and didn't say a word to anyone. I picked up my cell phone and called Gary. As I waited for Gary's secretary to pick up, I threw the magazines on the coffee table near where everyone, including Justin was sitting. I heard several gasps. I walked into the kitchen for some privacy so I could instruct Gary on what I wanted.

While in the kitchen***********

"I can't believe this! How could they? Why?" Lance was close to hysterics when Joey sat down beside him. JC, Chris, Joey and Lance hadn't noticed the far away look on Justin's face. Justin began to talk to himself out loud.

"Why? Why Lance? He doesn't deserve this shit! Besides I'm the one who's gay." Justin never realized these words had come out loud.

"WHAT! What'd you just say? I can't fuckin' believe this shit!" JC never stopped to think how easily the sound of confusion and anger in one's voice can be hard to distinguish. Justin began to cry hysterically.

"Can't believe WHAT! That I'm...GAY or that your former best friend never told you before! I...I'm being suffocated by this goody-goody image of the boy next door who will marry some girl and live happily ever after. I just can't go on. I am who I am! And if you and the others can't believe this, then I QUIT! FUCK *N SYNC, AND FUCK ALL OF YOU!" Justin ran out of the den.

Coming back from the kitchen***********

I had just hung up with Gary when I heard Justin yell 'I QUIT...' and quickly made my way toward the den. That's when Justin ran into me, looked into my eyes, and increased the intensity of his sobs while he ran for the front door. I ran after him.

"Justin, what's goin' on?"

"None of your FUCKIN' business. You could never understand." Justin yelled back at me as he ran for his Benz. I jumped in the passenger side seat before he started the car and grabbed the keys from the ignition.

"You're not goin' anywhere until you tell me what the HELL is goin' on!"

"Watch me!" Justin jumped out the car and ran toward the street. He was blinded by his tears and stopped on the opposite side of the street from his house, stood there, and covered his face with his hands. Justin fell to his knees and yelled at the top of his lounges.

I started walking toward him when I heard a loud rumble from a distance. I turned and saw a garbage truck coming down the street. I took off running and was at top speed when I reached Justin. I hooked my hands firmly under his arms in mid-run. The momentum of my body and the firm grip I had on Justin was enough to throw both of us clear of the oncoming truck, which barely missed hitting us. I heard the squeal of the breaks on the truck as it came to a halt some distance away.

"Are you two OK? I didn't see that guy until right before you ran across the street. I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"We'll be fine, but I suggest you get back in your truck and never speak of this again. If you're still here when I get up, I will teach you what it feels like to 'NOT PAY ATTENTION!" I looked at the truck driver who quickly ran back to the garbage truck and pulled away. I turned my attention to Justin. He was white as a sheet and trembling uncontrollably. I stood up and made sure he wasn't injured before I scooped him up in my arms and returned to the house.

I hadn't closed the door completely when I followed Justin out, so I kicked it open and walked inside. The other guys heard me enter and met me at the bottom of the stairs.

"What happened? We heard tires skidding just a minute ago." Chris spoke with fear and concern. I didn't respond, but looked at each of them as the tears started running down my cheeks. The realization of what had just happened suddenly hit me. I continued upstairs and was glad no one followed.

I made my way down the hall towards Justin's room. Once inside, I sat Justin on the edge of the bed. I knelt in front of him and waited for him to look at me. Finally, Justin's eyes focused on mine. He just stared at me until I spoke.

"Justin, please tell me what happened. I can't stand seeing you like this. You've been here for me from the time we met yesterday. Let me be here for you. I just need you to tell me what's up. I can't fix it if you don't tell me what's wrong." I allowed my tears to flow uninterrupted. I could see Justin struggling with the decision to tell me or not. Finally he spoke. His words were so quiet, so afraid.

"I...I slipped up and let the guys know that...that...Jase, I'm gay." Justin closed his eyes. I stood in front of Justin, hooked my hands under his arms and pulled him into a standing position. I hugged him warmly, and with compassion.

"Oh, Just. I guess they didn't take it too well? I'm so sorry. But can you give them a chance to understand?"

"I can't! I blew up at them and quit the group. *N Sync is no more. It's my fault. And now, this ought to at least give the tabloids some truth to print." Justin crumbled in my arms as he was wracked with sobs of despair and pain.

I scooped him up in my arms again and positioned him on the bed. I sat beside him and stroked his hair as he cried himself to sleep. After about 5 minutes, I pulled off Justin's shoes and covered him with a blanket before leaving to go back downstairs. I was running hot as I approached the den. I wasn't sure what to expect, but what I found was not it. As I walked into the room, I found Chris hugging Joey and crying. Lance sat on the couch by JC, who was sobbing loudly.

"So I can assume you know what this all means?" I had worded my question carefully, but the response wasn't what I expected.

"YES! *N SYNC IS FINISHED! BETWEEN THE TABLOIDS AND JUSTIN QUITTING, IT'S ALL OVER!" JC was hysterical, but that's when I went off.

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T GO THERE! Y'all are sitting in here crying over the fact that your careers are in jeopardy, while Justin is in shock upstairs after nearly being killed after y'all kicked him to the curb? Tell me when the importance of friendship was replaced with your selfish goals. DAMN!"

"That's not how it happened. You're not being fair!" Joey spoke with a hint of anger in his voice.

"Then tell me what the FUCK happened to make Justin break into a million pieces. He's utterly devastated!" I was calming down a bit, realizing I truly didn't know the whole story.

"Well, when you left to talk to this Gary person, all of us were in shock over the magazine articles, but Justin was in a daze. He was speaking to himself, but out loud. Justin said...something that he had been keeping from us. We were in shock and couldn't believe what we had heard. JC, isn't that what you said 'I can't fuckin' believe this shit.' Then Justin just went off, we never got to say a word. It all happened to fast. So I don't think you have the right..." Joey was about to lecture me when I cut him off.

"Oh, but I think I do. Justin told me he was gay, so what. Did any of you stop and think before you said something to him? You have no idea what it would be like to tell the ones you love that you are gay and all they say is what JC said. How could y'all be so thoughtless." I could feel my emotions taking control. I was on the brink when JC spoke, his tears having stopped.

"We...I know. I wasn't thinking. I was in shock. Oh GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?" JC began to cry again.

"What you have done is let a very hard situation get out of hand. Justin has obviously been having a hard time with realizing he's gay. Lynn told me he hasn't been himself for months. Granted, I don't know him that well, but I know he thinks a great deal of each of you. Your opinion of him is sacred to him, and to have something he never meant to say out loud get the response it did, I understand why he thinks his life is over. You've got to fix this. Fix this while you can, before it's too late." I started crying when I said my last statement and ran back to my salvation: the piano.

Back in the den***********

"I can't believe we've been so dumb! Not just with the way we have reacted to Justin's news, but with Jase. I think I know now." Chris had calmed down and was staring at the floor as he spoke.

"What are you talking about?" Lance asked between sniffs.

"Don't y'all ever listen. Jase has given us so many clues. We've just never put it all together. Think about it. Remember back on the plane when he finally told us his family had been killed. Don't any of you remember that he said it was his fault? Then think of what he just said. Jase told us to fix this before it was too late. That's it!" Chris hadn't noticed the confused look on JC, Lance and Joey's faces.

"Just tell us, because I don't get were you're going with this." Joey was confused with the implications of Chris's analysis.

"Guys, I think Jase came out to his family and it didn't go well. And for some reason, he blames himself for not settling things with his family before the accident. He's probably been so guarded around us because he feels the same would happen with us. And since we didn't really do a hot job with Justin, I think he may never trust us now. We have to fix this." Chris stood and turned to make sure the rest of the guys were following him.

At the piano***********

I had started playing from the time I sat down. What no one knew was Justin had woke up when he heard me playing the piano directly below his bedroom. He was at the top of the stairs when Chris, JC, Joey and Lance left the den to come see me in the studio. Justin walked to the end of the hallway and stood out of sight near the door. I was trying to shut out everything around me and get myself back in check. I nearly had a heart attack when a hand touched me.

"We are going to go tell Justin how sorry we are and how much we all love him, gay or not. We screwed up big time, but we can't let this all end because of our stupidity. You were right. We are going to fix this. But first, do you want to talk about what's been REALLY bothering you?" Chris had taken a seat next to me on the piano bench and put his arm around my shoulders.

"What's really bothering me is how easy it is to say the wrong thing when your intentions are pure and true, and yet you end up hurting the ones you love." I didn't care if they understood what I meant. I wasn't ready to do what had now become my most dreaded nightmare; telling the guys I was gay and having them dismiss me like my family had.

"Jase, I think what is really bothering you is your fear of how we might react if we knew...if we knew you were...gay." Chris felt me tense up under his arm. I had to tell them the WHOLE truth, not just what I wanted them to hear. I spoke with no emotion, no feeling. My vulnerability was evident in my voice.

"As I told you, my family was killed in a tragic accident almost two weeks ago. But I'm the reason they were even out on that highway. (Tears began to fall) Two weeks ago today, I had been at a family function and had decided to tell my family I was...I am GAY. Needless to say, my family reacted badly to my revelation. I was in shock and caught an early flight back to Dallas. My family dismissed me and told all my friends and extended family about their 'deviant' son. I don't know the full details, but my parents obviously needed to get away from the situation and went to my brother's place outside of San Antonio the same day I flew to Dallas. The following evening, around 9PM, I got a phone call from the Department of Public Safety informing me that my family had been in an accident just north of San Antonio. I couldn't speak, and the officer just offered his condolences. I finally ask who had passed away, and the officer paused. That's when he told me. DON'T Y'ALL UNDERSTAND! If I hadn't told them I was gay, they would never have been driving on that highway, a highway where a 18-wheeler was out on the road with a drunk driver behind the wheel. My family's dead now and I will NEVER get a chance to see if they could learn to accept me. I wasn't even allowed to attend the funerals! NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND! OH GOD, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? PLEASE, SOMEONE TELL ME WHY!!!" I walked over to the window looking out into the back yard and fell to my knees as I let it ALL out. There were no more secrets, no more untold tragedies. Justin shocked everyone when he entered the room and walked over to me trembling, with tears clouding his eyes.

"I...I can't tell you why, Jase. I don't even have answers for my own questions, but hear me when I say this. (Justin had to pause to find the words.) From the time I met you, I knew there was something unique, something special about you. You've saved my life, literally. But I'm not the only one who feels this way. (Justin looked up to JC, Lance, Joey and Chris.) These guys feel the same way I do about you. Don't ask me why, but we all love you, no matter if you're gay or not. And I know now that they love me too. Guys, can you ever forgive me? I never meant to hide being gay from you. I was just so afraid that the public would find out and y'all would blame me for ruining *N Sync. I...I'm just so confused." Justin began to sob.

I stood and turned to him. I hugged him and we both began to cry on each other's shoulder. Before long, Justin and I were enveloped in a group hug. JC, Joey, Chris and Lance hugged us for what seemed like an eternity.

TBC...

Well, Jase is 'out.' What's next? We'll see!